jennsylvania

The Evolution Of A Bad Idea

10:15 PM - Hmm, getting late.  I should get ready for bed.

10:30 PM - Hmm, getting even later.  I should get ready for bed.

10:45 PM - Someone on the internet is mistaken and I must express my displeasure with many upper-case letters and exclamation points.

11:00 PM - It's really not getting any earlier, is it?

11:10 PM - Nightly skin inspection in bathroom mirror.  Not perfect, but not bad for my age/lifestyle/aversion to sunscreen.

11:11 PM - Hey, what would happen if I used a magnifying mirror during my inspection?

11:12 PM - SWEET JESUS, MAKE IT STOP!

11:13 PM - Re-inspect by light of bedside lamp.  Ah, all better.

11:14 PM - But what if I put in a brighter bulb?

11:15 PM - IS FURRY BEAST!  KILL IT!  KIIIIIIIIL IT!

11:16 PM - "What do you think I'm doing?  I'm looking at my skin in this mirror.  And I've either got to wax this mustache or start giving rides on it, ha ha!"

11:16 PM - "What do you mean, 'I don't think that expression means what you think it means'?"

11:17 PM -  Oh.  Then that man at Target with the "Free Mustache Rides" logo was wearing a very dirty shirt.

11:18 PM - "Then I would like to amend my previous statement.  I need to wax this mustache or learn to twirl it, ha ha!"

11:19 PM - I should tweeze this thing.

11:20 PM - I should find my tweezers.

11:21 PM - Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow.

11:22 PM - Screw this.  I need a professional waxing.  Must make an appointment.

11:25 PM - Can't.  Stop.  Fondling.  Mustache.

11:30  PM - Fine, I'll do the goddamned thing myself.

11:40 PM - Can't find new tub of wax I purchased for just this very occasion, so locate old container.  Is very old.  Is possibly the exact same tub that Moses's wife used to remove her unwanted facial hair.  (Desert light is unforgiving.)

11:41 PM - But it's wax.  It's not like it could go bad, right?

11:42 PM - "I'm not 'banging around and keeping you awake.'  I'm doing something important."

11:43 PM - Microwaving.

11:44 PM - Microwaving.

11:45 PM - Microwaving.

11:46 PM - Microwaving.

11:47 PM - I think my microwave may be broken.

11:48 PM - Ah, there we go.

11:49 PM - I don't have a stick, so I'll just use my finger to stir this hot, molten lava.

11:50 PM - "Well, what do you expect?  I just seared off my own fingerprint!"

11:51 PM - Blow and cool.  Use damaged digit to spread wax liberally on my Tom Selleck.

11:52 PM - Wait for wax to harden so can pull off unsightly hairs in one (briefly painful) fell swoop.

11:53 PM - Is not hardening.

11:54 PM - Is not hardening.

11:55 PM - Is not hardening.  Is sitting on upper lip in a big, sticky blob.

11:56 PM - Begin to tentatively peel off wax millimeter by millimeter.  (Hate metric system.)

11:57 PM - Is like removing chewing gum from underneath cafeteria table, only ouchy.

11:57 PM - Hurty.

11:58 PM - Hurty.

11:59 PM - So very hurty.

12:00 AM - Use sticky bits of already-peeled wax to slowly pry off other gummy bits. 

12:01 AM - Oh, yeah, this is WAY better than waiting nine hours to pay a professional ten dollars to handle this in five seconds.

12:02 AM - The good news is the hair is coming off. 

12:03 AM -  The bad news is, so is my skin.

12:04 AM -  How mad will he be if I wake him up to help me?

12:05 AM -  On second thought, he'd be mad for a second, but the mocking would last a lifetime.  Must cowboy-up and finish job myself.

12:06 AM - ...And it's finally off! 

12:07 AM - Except for those small, tacky bits with the Kleenex stuck to them.

12:08 AM - I know, I'll use baby oil.  That gets rid of sticky stuff.

12:09 AM - Hmm, I don't have a baby oil.  Instead opt for canola oil.  (Is hearty-healthy.)

12:10 AM - Wax is off, now to remove oil.  Need toner.

12:11 AM - But tossed out toner after that whole "who thought it was a good idea to make this stuff the exact same shade of blue as the nail polish remover?" incident.

12:12 AM - Will use Fletch's toner.  Quietly.

12:13 AM -  !!!

12:14 AM - "WELL MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN 'GLYCOLIC ACID' IN BIGGER PRINT ON THE BOTTLE!"

12:15 AM - Probably should plan to make an "I'm sorry I got shouty after midnight mousse" tomorrow.

12:16 AM - Inspect skin in magnifying mirror by light of new bulb.  Hair is gone, but lip is swollen in manner of Simpson's character.

12:17 AM - So this is what I'd look like if I had the capability of growing a big, red fu-manchu mustache.  Noted.

12:18 AM - In retrospect, perhaps "learn to twirl it" wasn't such a bad idea.

12:19 AM - Is really late.  Must get ready for bed.

12:20 AM - I wonder if anyone else on the internet is wrong?

Crisis Averted

My office is on the second floor and that's where I tend to spend most of the workday.  Because it's located an entire flight of stairs from the filtered water on the fridge door, I find myself going thirsty rather than taking the trek to the kitchen.

Yes, I understand exactly how lazy this is. 

(Do I need to remind anyone of how I once considered hiding a bucket in the first floor pantry in the old house rather than climbing twelve stairs to the bathroom?) 

(Fletch wouldn't let me, by the way.)

Anyway, I came up with a rather elegant solution.  I would buy a case of water and store it upstairs, thus I would never get thirsty to the point of dizziness again!  Genius! 

(Granted, a little bit pathetic, but mostly genius!)

I bought the water, brought it upstairs, and deposited it on the counter in the guest bathroom, where it remained in the way for the next few days.  Because this bath is right next to my office, I tend to favor it over the master bath which is a good twenty paces down the hall. 

(Y'all are noticing a theme here, aren't you?)

I kept having to work around the bulky case when I brushed my teeth, washed my face, etc. so I needed to find a place to store it.  I could bring it down to the laundry room off the master bedroom, but then I'd have to do all that rearranging to make it fit in the cabinet.

Turns out the solution to my problem was right next to me.  I drew back the shower curtain in front of the unused guest tub and placed the case in there, spic, span, and out of the way.  Plus, I figured, if anything happened to one of the bottles, leaking water would go directly down the drain.  Again, genius!

When Fletch got home, I proudly whipped open the curtain to show him where I'd stashed the water. 

He slowly looked from the case to me.  After a long pause, he finally said, "So... you've decided to store stuff in an empty tub.  Congratulations, you've just taken the first step to seeing yourself on Hoarders in twenty years."

Yeah.  I moved the bottles.

Like Cloverfield, Only Substitute "Alien Of Unspeakable Destruction" With "Fat Dog"

This really doesn't deserve its own post... and yet here we are. 

Apparently you people enjoy videos of beefy pit bulls doing stuff, so who am I to not oblige?

Following you'll see a quick clip of Maisy doing what I call the "naughty run."  This occurs when she wants to play, so she grabs an object she knows she's not allowed to have and then trots off with the expectation of being chased.

Here goes:

She moves with the grace of a gazelle dashing through the forest, doesn't she?

(Or whatever swallowed the gazelle.)

Dis This

Dear Neighborhood Thugs,

Just so you know, flashing gang signs while wearing mittens makes you come across as less of "a stone cold killer" and more like "a sock-puppet performance artist."

Please consider investing in a pair of gloves or waiting until spring to represent.

Best,

Jen

Suspect This Will Answer That Whole East Coast/West Coast Question

Okay, before I post the 2010 My Fair Lazy tour cities, I want to thank you for letting me know where you wanted me to visit.  Your input was definitely considered in making these decisions and I personally read/recorded every single one of the 3,200 entries. 

In choosing tour cities, my publisher's publicity team had to consider a number of aspects, such as space, logistics, other authors' tours, regional sales, fairness, timing, etc. so when you see the following stops, please understand they weren't chosen at random.  I lobbied hard for certain places that aren't represented (Miami, Sacramento, Pittsburgh, Bergen County, I'm so sorry!) and I feel bad that I'm not returning to some places that everyone expected (Pacific Northwest.)  I wish I had more to offer than "there's always next year" but that's all I've got. 

That being said - and understanding not everyone will be happy despite our best efforts - I'm delighted to announce these dates in the following cities:

May 4 - Atlanta, B&N Buckhead

May 5 - Birmingham, Alabama, B&N Summit Boulevard

May 6 - Houston, Borders Kirby Street

May 7 - Dallas, B&N Northwest Highway

May 11 - Detroit, Borders Birmingham

May 12 - Dayton, Ohio, Books & Co.

May 13 - St. Louis, at the Mad Art Gallery, books sold by Left Bank (and yes, they'll be selling drinks!)

May 14 - Chicago, Borders Michigan Ave

May 18 - Philadelphia, B&N Walnut Street

May 19 - New York City, B&N Union Square

May 20 - DC, B &N 12th Street NW

May 21 - Charlotte, B&N Huntersville

May 26 - Milwaukee, Borders Fox Point

May 27 - Oak Brook (Chicago), Borders

As we get closer to the events, I'll post specific dates and times.  So... see you later this spring! 

(And if not, I'm really sorry!)