jennsylvania

Blogs to Boots

First, some reminders of upcoming stuff: 

June 6th – I'll be on NBC 10's show 10! at, um, 10:00 AM in Philadelphia. Will I stammer and sweat less than when I was on WGN?  Will I be fined by the FCC for dropping accidental f-bombs? Tune in and find out! 

June 6th – I'll be reading and signing at the Rittenhouse Barnes & Noble, 1805 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA at 7:30 PM.   

June 7th – I'll be reading and signing again at the Astor Place Barnes & Noble, 4 Astor Place, New York, NY at 7:00 PM and there are drinks to be had afterwards... regardless of what Jenny Craig says.  (Apparently seventeen dirty martinis are BAD for you.) 

June 10th – I'll be reading, signing, and “in conversation” with Stacey Ballis on the B&N Heartland Stage at Printer's Row in Chicago, IL at 11:00 AM.  Come if for no reason other than ROBIN GIVENS appears right after us! 

July 27th, 28th, and/or 29th – I will not be at that convention and instead will be having drinks at the Four Seasons on one of those days with anyone interested in hearing my advice on turning blogs into books.  (Specifics TBA.)   

Because of the above, this would be an excellent place to post a photo of me posing with the new car with the caption “Knows nothing about turning blogs to books, and yet...” but I am not petty.   

OK, yes, I am totally petty; I just don't have an actual picture of it, but it looks kind of like this.  (The great irony is the only places I've driven it so far are to my trainer and to Jenny Craig.  Also, I gave myself a touch of whiplash because my neck can't handle the fine, fine Bavarian acceleration. Hey, look at me - I'm a human bobblehead!)   

Anyway, I'm thrilled not because we're a two car family again or because I'm no longer trapped in the house every day while Fletch has the car at work, but because this is tangible proof of how hard we've worked for the past four years.  Being able to get financing directly from the car manufacturer probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most adults, but considering where we've been, this is a gigantic leap forward.   

In other news, our old car is now housed on the street and within the first twelve hours of being parked there, it got booted.  One of our neighbors didn't recognize our car (despite the fact I've waved hello to her from it every time I've driven by on the way to my garage for the past two years) and called the police to say it belonged to one of the kids who go to school around the corner.  The police came and found our car legally parked with a permit.  So they didn't waste a trip, they ran a search of all the cars we've ever registered and found three outstanding tickets Fletch had from five years/three cars ago, and we got booted.  We immediately paid the old tickets online and then spent two days arguing with a bunch of city employees who said we didn't have a boot on our car because there were no tickets against this car in the system.  Aarrggh. 

Long story short, all is fine now and the boot is finally off.  However, what really makes me mad is we can't get the police to come when we call 911, and yet they have all the time in the world to find a way to ticket an innocent car.  At least now I know the next time there's a knife fight in front of my house or kids are selling drugs or vagrants are breaking into a construction site, I can call to report an illegally parked automobile and a cruiser will be there lickety-split. 

Also, I'm never waving to that fucking neighbor again.

Hey, at Least Forbes Likes Me!

But BecomeAlpha?  Probably not so much, either.  Yo, check it.  (Hold tight - a Forbes flash ad comes up first before redirecting the URL to the right spot.)   

My only regret is they didn't publish the part where I called Life Coaching "horseshit."

Don't Sour Grapes Make the Best Wine?

From the 2007 BlogHer Session Schedule, which takes place this summer in Chicago: 

Book to Blog and Back Again

Let's talk tactics: what does it take to get your blog turned into a book.  What are agents and publishers looking for?  What about self-publishing?  And then once you have a book, how can your blog augment and enhance the book and help its sales?  Denise Wakeman moderates a discussion with people on both sides of the aisle when it comes to Blog/Book opportunity, including blogger/author Ariel Meadow Stallings. 

I guess despite going back to press ten times and having over 100,000 copies in print of Bitter alone, I'm still too much of a dork to sit at the cool bloggers' table in the lunchroom because my offer to participate in this session was summarily rejected.   

BlogHer? You are dead to me. 

If anyone to wants to hear my take on the whole blogs-to-books thing, I'll be holding court in the bar at the Four Seasons, time and date TBA.   

P.S.  Everyone is welcome at my table.   

(Edited to Add:  Apparently all the speakers weren't set for the above session and if I'd have read the whole website with that disclaimer, I'd have known it, and should not have jumped to conclusions based on, you know, the printed course description that a handful of you sent me, asking why I wasn't included.  My plans for the Four Seasons remain the same.)

Words, Words, Words

Today I shall smack you down! 

And then chat you up! 

And leave you wanting more (maybe?) with a couple of paragraphs I wrote for Forbes yesterday about a life coaching company (but have no idea if they'll actually print.) 

BecomeAlpha claims to be a hard-core, Marine-style boot camp for individuals who are tired of complacency and mediocrity.  They say the only way to become an Alpha is to do something about it, rather than doing nothing, which... OK, sure.  That makes sense.  Doing stuff beats not doing stuff.  For example, the guy who made piles of money by inventing the knit beer can cap sat around and emptied a lot of Miller High Lifes first.  His fortune only came when he said, “Hey, what if I added some yarn?” 

BecomeAlpha instructs students on tapping into their uber-selves through a variety of workshops and conference calls.  Among other classes, they teach sessions on hypnosis.  Funny, but when my father discussed his Marine boot camp experience, he talked a lot about the 26-mile road marches on Parris Island, but never mentioned the hypnotherapy.  (To be fair, maybe Big Daddy missed Hypnosis Day because he was busy fighting a war with the North Koreans.)  BecomeAlpha also provides coursework on Intimacy and Seduction, crucial in any boardroom situation, don't you think?  (Ten bucks says they advise you pull your spouse's hair during the act of love, which may be sexy the first time, but will likely land you a spot on the couch with the dog if you try it twice.)   

My wrists hurt now.  Must administer pie.

Ringtones Are the New Black

In the new issue of Us Weekly, music therapist (huh?) Al Bumanis analyzes what stars' ringtones say about their personalities.   

According to the article, Katie Couric's phone plays the Pussycat Dolls' Don't Cha when it rings and Bumais says this means “she's trying to be younger,” which... maybe.  The more likely story is her kids got a hold of it and now she has no idea how to change it back and if it goes off one more time while she's having lunch with Dan Rather to brainstorm on how she can bring more gravitas to the nightly news, they can fucking forget about having MTV film their Super Sweet Sixteen. 

Jennifer Lopez reportedly has the theme from Sex and the City programmed.  Bumanis explains this means she's “sexy and successful” as “it's the music of a strong, modern woman.”  However, I think it's reminiscent of her happier Bennifer days, back when her dresses made front-page news and long before Marc Anthony shackled her to a dresser, placed her under house arrest, and took away her liquid eyeliner. 

Jessica Biel has SexyBack and Bumanis says it's Jessica's sly way of letting the world know she and Justin are a couple.  So... okay, sure.  But then would that mean Justin's secretly dating every fourteen year old girl in America, too?  (People, I have been to the food court and I know of which I speak.)  (Also, I could make a joke here about this being the reason Britney has I Hate You as her ringtone, but no one would understand an esoteric reference to Slayer except my husband.)   

Finally, Scarlett Johansson says hers is the theme to Psycho, but only has it programmed to ring when certain people call.  Bumanis says this means she's intense.  I say it means she's probably catty and funny and bitchy should use said phone to schedule drinks with me post-haste. 

As for my ringtone?  Could it be anything but Back in Black?   

No.  No, it could not. 

Twitter Me This

Susie and Sweetney made me join Twitter.  I don't get it, but I like it.   

Should you care to be privvy to my thoughts too banal or random to post here, feel free to friend me.  Or follow me.  Or favorite me.  Or something.  I still haven't figured it out.

My People? Is Me

Lately I've been getting a lot of email and MySpace notes where the central question is whether it's really me reading your letters or if it's one of my "people." 

OK, you guys?  ARE ADORABLE. 

Seriously, if I had "handlers," you'd get a responses from me a hell of a lot quicker and they wouldn't be nearly so scattered or profanity-laced.   

Also, if I had "people" at my disposal, wouldn't it have been them who threw out their backs wrestling the dog-pee rug out the cellar door?   

Think about it.

Possibly A New Parenthetical Record

Whoops, forgot to mention I have a new post up on Mamapop today!  (But technically I shouldn't have to say anything because you guys are already reading it on a daily basis, RIGHT?  And also talking in the forums?  Yes.  I thought so.) 

I've committed to doing a weekly Jen-Looks-at-Books column there and my maiden voyage is about Deborah Schoeneman's fascinating novel 4% Famous.  (Although I briefly delve into an analysis of the Olsen twins' lips.)  As for the column, I'll only discuss writing I completely love because I do not want a repeat of last year where I may have expressed an opinion not shared by the Scary Sadshaws and Me-Gulls (I coined neither of these terms, BTW) and was summarily handed my ass via Amazon's reader reviews. 

(Which I no longer look at due to my propensity for Google-stalking.)   

(Although if you'd like to say something nice about my books on any of the review sites, I heartily encourage you to do so and will totally give you BFF bragging rights.) 

Good Christ, I need a trail of breadcrumbs to get back to my original point now. 

Anyway, remember to check in on Wednesdays for what's new!  Next week I talk about Allison Winn Scotch's powerful debut in The Department of Lost and Found. 

(With a possible detour into the genius of Bob Barker.)   

See you there! 

The Boomtown Rats Were Right

Monday seems like the kind of day everyone says, “Hey!  I feel productive!” and then they tackle the tasks around the house they've been meaning to get to forever, like taking out Great Garbage Bag Mountain and cutting the grass and organizing the basement and washing curtains.   

Then, once they've neatly squared away all the other household chores, I'll bet they think to themselves, “Hey!  I'm not quite tired yet.  I bet if I roll up and throw away the basement rug where the dog likes to pee secretly, I can bring the Household Stink Level down from Code Red to a more manageable Code Orange.”   

And that's when they throw their backs out wresting a carpet made heavy as plutonium because of the large deposits of pit bull whiz and then have to lie on the couch for the next two days watching Man Vs. Wild on TiVo because they can't move and that can't-move business includes not being able to bend down to wash their feet in the shower which completely squicks them out. 

Or maybe that's just me.    

For now, I have about a minute left until I have to get horizontal again so I'll say this real quick – more foreign rights to Bitter sold today!  Although this is exciting to almost no one but me, I think the conversation with my agent about said sale is worth mentioning.   

Agent:  We got a bid for rights in Korea! 

Me:  Really? (pause) But aren't they Communists?  Why do they want a book about my rampant consumerism?   

Agent:  Ah, no.  We're talking about South Korea.  Kim Jong Il was not the one who made the offer, Jen. 

Me: Oh.  (pause)  Well, that's good, right? 

Agent:  Of course!  Congratulations! 

Me:  Oh, OK, then.  One question, though. 

Agent:  What's that? 

Me: How are they going to translate the word “asshat” into Korean?         

And now there's another handful of muscle relaxants with my name on them. 

Also?

Five.   

 

The correct answer is five. 

 

That is, if my question were, "How many assholes have driven the wrong way down my one-way street since I've been sitting at my desk today?"

I Can Die Happy

A reader just emailed me to say she was in the San Francisco airport bookstore this weekend and spotted THE DIVINE MISS KATE SPADE HERSELF holding a copy of Bright Lights, Big Ass and giggling.   

 

The reader didn't see if Kate bought it, but knowing she knows I exist is good enough for right now.

Everybody's So Different, But I Haven't Changed

For those wondering, yes, I will shortly return to blogging regularly here, at Mamapop, and at Snarkywood.  Just give me a couple of more days to catch up. 

As for current events, the best way to describe what's happening here would be to share my task lists. 

Yesterday's To-Do List:

• TV appearance!
• Interview!
• Hair, makeup, nails done!
• Book signing!
• Autograph session!
• Post-signing celebration at Webster Wine Bar with world's most excellent fans! 

Today's To-Do List:

• Kill colony of ants in master bedroom! 

Again, I'll return shortly, and for those of you local, see you tomorrow night!