Monday seems like the kind of day everyone says, “Hey! I feel productive!” and then they tackle the tasks around the house they've been meaning to get to forever, like taking out Great Garbage Bag Mountain and cutting the grass and organizing the basement and washing curtains.
Then, once they've neatly squared away all the other household chores, I'll bet they think to themselves, “Hey! I'm not quite tired yet. I bet if I roll up and throw away the basement rug where the dog likes to pee secretly, I can bring the Household Stink Level down from Code Red to a more manageable Code Orange.”
And that's when they throw their backs out wresting a carpet made heavy as plutonium because of the large deposits of pit bull whiz and then have to lie on the couch for the next two days watching Man Vs. Wild on TiVo because they can't move and that can't-move business includes not being able to bend down to wash their feet in the shower which completely squicks them out.
Or maybe that's just me.
For now, I have about a minute left until I have to get horizontal again so I'll say this real quick – more foreign rights to Bitter sold today! Although this is exciting to almost no one but me, I think the conversation with my agent about said sale is worth mentioning.
Agent: We got a bid for rights in Korea!
Me: Really? (pause) But aren't they Communists? Why do they want a book about my rampant consumerism?
Agent: Ah, no. We're talking about South Korea. Kim Jong Il was not the one who made the offer, Jen.
Me: Oh. (pause) Well, that's good, right?
Agent: Of course! Congratulations!
Me: Oh, OK, then. One question, though.
Agent: What's that?
Me: How are they going to translate the word “asshat” into Korean?
And now there's another handful of muscle relaxants with my name on them.
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