Craigslist 1, Jen 0

Yay!  I'm back! 

I've been locked out of Typepad for some unknown reason for the past few days but things seem to be back to normal now.  (This service is still ten jillion times better than my old webhost, so I'm not complaining.)  (I mean, much.)

Anyway, I'd been planning to post about Friday night - Fletch and I were invited to listen to The Police play from our friends' rooftop deck next to Wrigley Field.  But now four days and a couple of gallons of gin and tonic later I can't remember much except for:

A)  We had a blast

B) The invitation said we should dress like we did in the '80s (but that would imply I ever stopped)

C)  The Police may possibly rock harder now than they did in the '80s

and

D)  I inhaled a bug and kind of choked on it

I did manage to get a couple of photos in before the Tanqueray (can you think of a more quintessential '80s beverage?) kicked in and I began to attract insects.

The cab that picked us up.  AND TOOK US STRAIGHT TO HELL. 

Russ, Chris, and Fletch with Wrigley in the background and a gorgeous sunset.

Fletch and Kat, whose tan is better than mine.  (Yet I like her anyway.)  (Even if we did argue over which of us Sting was really singing to.)

Two.  The correct answer is two, that is if you're wondering how many photos Fletch will pose for without getting annoyed.  Whatever.  I'm just pleased that I'm back to having only one chin again.

So, while Typepad was down yesterday I decided to do something about the box spring currently living in my front hallway.  Fletch wanted to toss it after we put the new bed together but I thought maybe someone else could use it.  Plus, I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth and I'm beginning to feel bad about the polar bears so I though I'd do what I could to keep the box spring from ending up in a dump.  (I'm not sure how the act of giving away a box spring would directly save the polar bears, but this compulsion is why I'm finally recycling my empty water bottles, too.) 

I figured Craigslist was the best place to dispose of such an item, so I decided to post an ad.  As a quick caveat, I have to say I LOVE Craigslist.  It's kind of the wild west of the Internet and you can find ANYTHING there.  (Seriously, have you read the Rants and Raves section?  Or the dating boards, which, although enormously entertaining, are nothing less than NC-17?)  But even with all the ridiculously racy content, it's absolutely the best way to buy, sell, or find anything in the city. 

I've sold a couple of pieces of furniture on Craigslist before.  Because of this, I learned that unless I suddenly enjoy answering 10,000 stupid questions, I must be as detailed as possible in the ad.  With this in mind, I put the following post with the headline of I Don't Know Why You'd Want This under the Free section yesterday.

Why would you want a queen-sized box spring?  I have no idea.

Perhaps you have a masochistic streak and like the idea of laying on sharp edges and wooden slats.  Maybe you have a way to recycle the box spring and don't want me to be all earth-rapey by setting it in the trash (currently my Plan B.)  Possibly you collect old bedding from strangers.  Or you're just determined to get something free from Craigslist, damn it, and this is finally your chance.

Regardless of the reason, this box spring is free to whoever wants to haul it out of my front hallway first.

Please note this is a queen-sized box spring only.  It's by Serta.  Or Sealy.  Or something - I can't remember.  Does it matter?  It's about ten years old but it's in good shape because most of those years were spent in storage.

Again, so we're clear, there's no coordinating mattress here.

There's no possibility of a coordinating mattress here.

I will not deliver this to your house.

I will not schedule an appointment so you can come and look at it.  It's a box spring.  You know what it looks like already.

I will not hold this for you until you move into your new apartment next month. 

I will not send you a photos because if I were willing to go to that sort of effort, the box spring would already be in the garbage, instead of simply being dumped in my front hallway.

So, come and get it.

Or not.

I don't care.

Crystal clear, right?  Yet I still got a dozen questions yesterday of the "Can you deliver it?" and "Is there a coordinating mattress?" variety, as well as a number of emails telling me I was stupid for posting so much text and I should have just put up a photo and charged everyone a dollar for my effort.  (Yes.  Because my effort in writing is worth exactly one dollar.)

Late last night I got an email from an administrator at Craigslist.  I opened it, assuming one of their staffers wanted the box spring, but instead I was told that my ad was deemed "offensive" and had been thusly removed.

Offensive.

On a website where you can score horse and find multiple anonymous sex partners, MY ad is the one that rubbed people the wrong way?  Why?  Because I used the word damn?  Or because I said I didn't want to be an earth rapist and thus miffed all the politically correct out there?   

Whatever.

The box spring is now in the trash.

I'm sorry, polar bears.

Comments

[Mike Roadancer]

Jen,
This is why I STILL lust for you and why I'm crushed why Fletch won't share. :-)

-Mike

[Becks]

Also want to say that I've been singing the praises of Bitter is the New Black and of Bright Lights, Big Ass to every woman I meet...read some excerpts of the latter to my husband- he liked it too...

And I LOVE your CraigsList ad.

[Becks]

Craig's list has some real nuts posting to it.

There must be some underlying premise there... I don't know. I know I once posted a rant (some idiot created their own parking space in a driveway to a restaurant) in the RANTS SECTION of the community where I live. Got back emails accusing me of carpet munching (Berber? Wool? HAR!) and people bitching me out on the RANTS SECTION for POSTING A RANT.

In short, lots of mouthbreathers posting there.

[Mickey]

I was at the same concert. I cannot believe he sounded as good as he did -- I loved every min. of it. We had a babysitter all night, so we proceeded to get as drunk as possibly in every bar going down clark street until I stop to eat a giant burrito!!!!! Then, I come out of the burrito joint and my husband is convincing two girls to kiss each other and then he will give them the pack of cigs they are begging for. nice....

Thank god we had a babysitter cause the next day was horrible hangover day. Mommy cannot hold grey goose like she use too.

[LisaCate]

Damn. So it's in the trash already?

I was really hoping you'd just deliver it (and the accompanying mattress, of course) to my house.

BTW, I live in NM.

See you soon!

[Enwrapture]

Urrggg, Craigslist. I tried selling my 2000 Landcruiser on craigslist.com several months ago and didn't get one call. Not one bite. Not one little itsy bitsy nibble. I suppose it might mean that the population on the Central Coast (also known as SLO town)is not quite as savy as those in the big cities. And here I was trying to go green and economize a bit...

[Mandy]

Id've UPSed it to Craig's List headquarters.

Wait. *Is* there a Craig's List headquarters? Hmmm... it's probably a group of pimply 19-year-olds sitting the basement of one guy's mom's house who "administrate" during times when they're not on World of Warcraft games.

So essentially, they probably COULD'VE used the box springs...

[Deborah]

Hilarious! FYI, my Craigslist ads are frequently flagged & removed, and after much, much, much (MUCH) frustration, aggravation, and investigation, I discovered that it was a local COMPETITOR flagging my ads.

Had nada, nothing, zilch (ZERO) to do with the content.

Go figure!

You look great, btw. Loving your blog!

[Pammer]

Okay, (a) you are looking so very fierce, Mizzz Lancaster.

And, (b)?

Sting was singing to ME, bitches!

Seriously, how hott (yes, two T's) is that man?

[Izzy]

I had a similar experience with Freecycle. So you wanna know what I did? I removed myself from their Yahoo group. Oh, yes I did! I showed THEM!

[Barb]

Um, you are fanfuckingtastic!!!

[PaintingChef]

Oh hell. At least you tried.

[Christine]

This is amazingly funny! I have no clue how this could be offensive, perhaps an actual person should have decided that instead of a robot, I don't know. Thanks for the good laugh!

[shannon]

I gave away a 10-bazillion pound antique (and completely worthless) shabby-chic upright grand player piano on CL the other day, so I think I paid YOUR quota for saving polar bears from overpacked landfills (um, or whatever) as well as mine. Please say you have partaken of the oft-hilarious "Best of Craigslist" section?

[Jacquie]

Sorry Stefanie! I should have read more before making the same sugestion. :-) I must say, I was pretty speechless when I heard about the mobile home.

[Jacquie]

Hi Jen! (Probably random useless info.) BUT I just learned about freecycle.com where people will take whatever you want to give away, no questions. Too late now I know but a friend of mine got a freecycle e-mail today from someone trying to give away a mobile home. BTW I just discovered you and you're now my new favorite author. I'm telling anyone who will listen about Bright Lights, Big Ass!

[Michelle]

First, you look fabudiculously wonderful in that picture.

Second, if you want to save the polar bears, try freecycle.com.

It's a Yahoo group that uses the web to make the giving and taking of free goods work with no fuss and no muss. I got rid of two decent recliner chairs and all I had to do was give my address to one person and he took the chairs with me not even having to be available to help. It was wonderful. And it saved me from having to pay for a sticker to have the town take the stuff away. You know what they say, "one chick's junk is another chick's treasure".

And I am reallllllly enjoying BLBA. Such a fun read! Thanks for working so hard on it. It's definitely worth all your trouble. In fact, I love it so much, I'm BUYING additional copies to give to friends rather than just loaning them my copy -- more royalties for Jen and I get to keep my book for me.

[Stefanie]

And this Jen, Is why I read your books.

Rock on !

[leahg]

oh my god that ad was freaking hysterical!! if i had been reading craigslist that day i would have known that was you!! oh, why are your books not out in audio??

[The Muse]

Hah... love Craigslist. If only for the fact our local radio station does a bit called "Craigslist Confidential," where they post on other cities' CL sites in the NSA (no strings attached) section. The ads usually go something along the lines of "Hey, I want to hear your best robot voice. I'll be in town next week on business, and I need a robo-lover to keep my circuits firing."

Those voicemails they play on the radio are enough to make me almost swerve into traffic from laughing so hard.

[Kate]

I am ashamed to admit that this post made me laugh so hard I snorted. Repeatedly.

Weren't The Police freaking AWESOME?! My husband and I went to see their STL show last week. Worth every penny! (well, maybe not the $38 in pennies spent on the 4 beers we consumed...heh.)

[Kristen]

Good Lord.......I think the world would be a better place without Craig and his freakin' list. Suck it, Craig.

[Garin]

Love that you are back! And fabulous as ever!

[Lisa M]

#1 Offensive ad? I don't think so.
#2 You look beautious, just beautious my dear.
#3 Your carbon footprint will be bigger because of the box spring but you can't say you didn't try to help the poor polar bears or penguins. It's all Craigslist's fault.

[Leona]

Sting was singing to ME Thursday night! I was actually in very good seats in Wrigley Field.

[AlaskaMe]

I just spoke to the polar bears and they said they were hungry and to send more tourist up and you will be forgiven.

[juney]

hmm..perhaps the Attitude was what they took offense at? I'm just saying...

[Eris]

Thank you for verifying that I am not a freak. Almost the exact same thing happened to me on Craigslist: I posted what I thought was a totally non offensive ad for a free item and it was blocked as offensive! I kept re-reading it trying to figure out if I spelled "kill babies" out inadvertantly with the capital letters or something but there was nothing wrong. I could bet nine amputees to make passionate love to me in my car tonight but post an ad to get rid of something for free? I am an offensive bastard. Go figure.

[Jen, not Jenny]

I can see how the state of our society has been summed up in your craigslist experience... the liberal nuts who think ads for s&m sex freaks is a patriotic example of their second amendment rights, but as soon as you imply that people might ask stupid questions it's seen as personal-libel-suit material. Thank God for people like you who aren't afraid to tell it like it is!

[Thessalonika]

SO HAPPY you're back. I was going through withdrawal. Your Craigslist post is freakin' hilarious.

[Carolyn]

After two books and years of a blog, you STILL continue to shock and awe! Freakin' Brilliant!

Obviously Craigslist a. doesn't know who you are (for shame!) and b. doesn't have the capability to laugh!

[Rachel Molder]

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

[cathy walker]

The color you are wearing is very good color on you with your tan and all. Just Boootiful!!!!

[Sean]

I LOVE CRAIGSLIST! It is like my favoritest website. I love looking at all the ads from the jobs to the weird sex people. I go there just to make my day a little brighter because of all the weird people. If you ever need a really big laugh go to the houston men seeking men. These people are straight up freaks.

[alicia]

um, and apparently i don't know how to use a computer becuase it won't stop reposting that. sincere apologies.

[alicia]

I hope the picture of the ikea bed that you posted is not the one you got. if so, i cannot wait to read what you have to say about it. mine broke after a month, and you fall through it. but a suggestion...climb onto the bed from the end, not the sides. or try actually putting all the pieces together. that might be what all those spare parts are for under the broken fallen through bed.

[alicia]

I hope the picture of the ikea bed that you posted is not the one you got. if so, i cannot wait to read what you have to say about it. mine broke after a month, and you fall through it. but a suggestion...climb onto the bed from the end, not the sides. or try actually putting all the pieces together. that might be what all those spare parts are for under the broken fallen through bed.

[alicia]

I hope the picture of the ikea bed that you posted is not the one you got. if so, i cannot wait to read what you have to say about it. mine broke after a month, and you fall through it. but a suggestion...climb onto the bed from the end, not the sides. or try actually putting all the pieces together. that might be what all those spare parts are for under the broken fallen through bed.

[alicia]

I hope the picture of the ikea bed that you posted is not the one you got. if so, i cannot wait to read what you have to say about it. mine broke after a month, and you fall through it. but a suggestion...climb onto the bed from the end, not the sides. or try actually putting all the pieces together. that might be what all those spare parts are for under the broken fallen through bed.

[alicia]

I hope the picture of the ikea bed that you posted is not the one you got. if so, i cannot wait to read what you have to say about it. mine broke after a month, and you fall through it. but a suggestion...climb onto the bed from the end, not the sides. or try actually putting all the pieces together. that might be what all those spare parts are for under the broken fallen through bed.

[Anna D]

That is pretty funny, because I am selling a mattress on Craigslist here in Portland right now and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, but I think Portland craigslisters are a little more saavy about using the site so it's not quite as frustrating. According to recent articles in the paper, Portland is #2 for per capita usage of craiglist, 2nd to only San Francisco, where it originated.

I hope you are not completely discouraged by Craiglist because I absolutely love it. It is hands down my favorite website. I actually found my house on there! The first home I ever bought I encountered on craigslist! I also found my kick-ass job with the City, and have bought and sold countless items. I may have even found my dog on craigslist too, I'm not 100% sure. I do know that I have found homes for foster dogs on the site (yep, I rescue dogs too :-).

You might suspect I work for craislist after my long defense of the site, but I assure you, I am just an experienced user. Maybe people in Chicago don't quite know the nuances yet of using this amazing website. Here's to many more items bought, sold, gifted and found on Craigslist.com

[Dana]

my god that ad is fucking hilarious!people are rediculously stupid.love your pics-you are so super cute!my hubby won't pose for many pics either-they look worse the more we take anyway....esp where vodka is involved or whatever the drink of choice is that night.so now i have this site on my favs and you on myspace...so i guess i dont have to move to chi town afterall....lmao!

[Jamie from houston]

Just wanted to say that you're looking fantastic!!!!