I'd Even Settle for Men in Black at This Point

Since my parents sold their house with the pool last fall, this is the first Fourth of July in years that I won't spend wallowing in the shallow end with a trashy novel and a banana daiquiri. 

Honestly?  I'm fine with that.  I'm thankful for the decades I had to enjoy the pool and I'm happy my parents moved within walking distance to their grandchildren, even if it means there's no place to wallow in their backyard now. 

(OK, fine, technically there's a lake in their backyard, but it's a non-swimming lake and please don't get me started on how you can have a lake and not be able to swim in it because it's a freaking LAKE and that's MADNESS, I tell you.) 

(Although it may have something to do with the snakes.)

Anyway, I figured I'd simply indulge in my second favorite Fourth of July tradition, which is watching Independence Day starring the divine Mr. Will Smith.  I love every single thing about this stupid movie - the stripper with the heart of gold, the ridiculous special effects, the heavy-handed environmental messages, the hilarious stereotypes, the completely implausible coincidences, etc.  But regardless of the cheese factor, and despite having viewed it no less than fifty times, I never fail to choke up when President Bill Pullman gives his big speech in front of the new civilian Air Force about today being our Independence Day. 

USA!  USA!  USA! 

And oh, beautiful for spacious skies!

For amber waves of grain!

And God bless America and...

Ahem.

So, after I unloaded the new blender and banana daiquiri fixings out of the car (see?  I improvised!) I ran to the TiVo to figure out which of the inevitable fifteen different re-broadcasts I'd watch.  I scanned the guide and was surprised to see it's only airing once, which is fine.  Once is all I needed. 

I clicked to record and only then did I notice something odd about the show's description.

It was written in Spanish.

Which means the only television station to see fit to broadcast the very best Fourth of July movie ever is Tele-freaking-mundo.

Somehow I feel like the terrorists just won.

Comments

[Jen]

P.S. And now I'm annoyed, so comments are closed.

[Jen]

OK, Happy Lady, let's take a big step back before calling anyone a racist and get a couple of things straight:

1) My point, so neatly summed up by Judy, was about my disappointment over no English-speaking stations showing ID4. The Spanish channel was the only one not to drop the ball. (Also, if the URL and IP address attached to the comment weren't somehow altered - which would be awfully hard to do with the IP address - 'Jose' is someone who's obviously still pissed off about some literary criticism I provided last year.)

2) As I've never had a conversation with you, you don't know that "the terrorists have won" is one of my go-to expressions. And had I not used it already in this particular blog, I'm sure I'd have trotted it out for the one where my husband dry-cleaned my bathing suit. Would you have then jumped to the conclusion I was being racist about my Korean dry cleaners?

3) I assume the other assorted "racist" writing to which you're referring is the story where I couldn't speak Spanish to the family in Target. I thought I'd clearly expressed the issue was IT IS ME WHO IS THE ASSHOLE and that no fault was assigned to the family. If you interpreted it otherwise, that's not on me.

4) My only problem with bilingualism is that I'm NOT. I work in words and it frustrates me when I can't use these words to connect with others. As for people from other countries coming here, how could I possibly have a problem with that when I'm the grandchild of immigrants? I am anti-ILLEGAL immigration but you'll notice it's not something I discuss in this forum because it's a polarizing topic. I let it be known I'm conservative yet I leave political ideology out of my writing because people like my stuff not for political dogma but because they think it's funny.

5) Why on earth would I dislike someone for their race where there are so many other reasons I could hate them? For example, I hate the people across the street not because of their European ancestry, but because they let their dog shit on my lawn. I have an issue with the people two doors down not because they're Puerto Rican, but because they think a party on the sidewalk in front of my house on a Monday night at 3:00 AM is a good idea. I am ecumenical in my dislike for anyone who disrupts my life, liberty, or pursuit of sleep.

6) Finally, I don't disagree with the majority of your points. However, I feel the more you look for things which could be interpreted as racist in your life - despite it not being their intent - the more you're going to find them.

Jen

[Happy Lady]

The comment was racist. Though I enjoy your writing, it too is peppered with racist remarks. Because I like your literary voice, I like to assume that the racism comes from being uninformed about a culture rather than from any true malice. Latinos or Hispanic-Americans have been an integral part of this country's identity for hundreds or years (Hello? California? Texas?). In addition to which the process of assimilation is helped and spurred by books, movies and programming that helps immigrants identify with their new country. Though your book hints that bilingualism is an affront on America, actually every nation in the world understands the importance of speaking more than one language if they hope to partake of the capitalism that you love so much. Especially in our global market place. The monolingual immigrant, or one that only speaks their native tongue will have limited opportunities in this country. They will stagnate in the "ghettos" so colorfully (and funnily) described in your book. But their children, be they monolingual in English only or bilingual, will have a chance to thrive and succeed. As your parents' parents hoped for their kids.

Terrorists win when they manage to close off possibilities in people. They win when they get us to see enemies where we should see friends. The movie you and I both love so much (I too choke every damn time I hear the FOJ speech!) is about what people overcome when they get past their differences.

"And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind. Mankind -- that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests."

Maybe today's interest is not saving ourselves from human-opposed, planet-stealing aliens, but the more banal interest of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness".

Anyway, I enjoy your books and I see so much of myself and my friends in your laugh-out-loud writing. Imagine that! You have something in common with a Latina!

[Jennie]

I laughed at your post because I noticed it was only playing once too--while I was on vacation and inside enjoying Southern central airconditioning (seriously, it was the Fourth of July and I was wearing a sweater).

I watched it anyway in Spanish for about 6 minutes thinking "Wow, I can almost understand EVERYTHING and I didn't take Spanish--I took French". Of course after those 6 minutes thinking I was the smartest person in Atlanta, I realized that I have seen the movie so many times, I know the dialogue by heart....

"What happened Mommy?" "I don't know baby, I don't know"

I rest my case.

[teachergirl]

Ole, Jen!!

The best movie of all time. Okay, maybe not all time, but I absolutely love it. From the opening strains of "It's the end of the world as we know it..." until the very last credit. And Harry Connick, Jr. piloting a fighter plane? Sheer genius.

Happy Fourth of July, albeit late.

[Erin]

Onto happier things - MUCH happier things, as any summer beverage would be - how do you make your banana daquiris? Recipe, please?

[Erin]

Onto happier things - MUCH happier things, as any summer beverage would be - how do you make your banana daquiris? Recipe, please?

[mrscollins]

Umm first of all Jen's comment was not racist towards Spanish speaking people! She was simply making the comment that it was funny that they were the only ones who showwed it. So fars as FOJ being a holiday to immigrants also, I agree...just not ILLEGAL ones :)

[Judy]

Jose,
When I read Jen's post, I took the comments to mean that no English speaking stations are ceremonious encough to air such a great movie on our national holiday, NOT a slam against any spanish speaking stations. Grow a thicker skin, howaboutit. And since we're calling names, here is one for you that I learned from my favorite author...Asshat.

[Lisa M]

Jen...

Eloquence... you have it baby!

[melbearz]

Are you really moving to Austin?

And that was a good comeback. I stand in awe of your snappiness.

[Camille]

Good "come back" Jen. I was waiting on that one. Loves it!

[Jen]

Hi, Jose,

A couple of points to clarify:

1) Having Independence Day on in Spanish is like hosting our national grammar rodeo in Canada. Not xenophobic - just not what I'd expect on our Fourth of July.

2) Seriously, cottage cheese doesn't even describe it! You should see the back fat spilling over my bra straps - it's awful! I should try to get a publisher to pay me six figures to write about trying to lose this weight.

Oh, wait. I already did. My bad.

Viva Zapato!

Jen

P.S. Does this mean you won't be there with a welcome basket when I move to Austin next year?

[Gina]

haha that is so funny. last night i turned on the tv looking for independence day and only found it in spanish too! instead, i went upstairs and finished reading your book. true story.

[Jose]

Thank you for two things-

1. Causing me to violently throw up my breakfast thinking of your lard ass squeezing into a bathing suit.

2. Showing your true racist colors Likening spanish speaking americans to terrorists. Your ignorance is almost as glaring as the cottage cheese spilling from your elastic waisted unitard.

[Italian-American Princess]

Yo no freaking hablo, yo! What next, Independence Day in Arabic?

[Judith in NYC]

Ha, ha. I linked from Martha's site and found this hilarious. Sorry for the non-Spanish speaking fans. HOWEVER... I must take umbrage at Brianne's comment. First, a lot of US citizens who speak Spanish and love this country believe Independence Day is their holiday too. We are here to stay--deal with it.

[Judith in NYC]

Ha, ha. I linked from Martha's site and found this hilarious. Sorry for the non-Spanish speaking fans. HOWEVER... I must take umbrage at Brianne's comment. First, a lot of US citizens who speak Spanish and love this country believe Independence Day is their holiday too. We are here to stay--deal with it.

[Judith in NYC]

Ha, ha. I linked from Martha's site and found this hilarious. Sorry for the non-Spanish speaking fans. HOWEVER... I must take umbrage at Brianne's comment. First, a lot of US citizens who speak Spanish and love this country believe Independence Day is their holiday too. We are here to stay--deal with it.

[Jessica B.]

It is an absolute travesty because you are right, it is the best Fourth of July movie EVER. And when Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum are struting across the desert after taking down the bad guys, so hot. One of the best scenes in film.

[Contrary]

I'm with you on Bill Pullman's speech. Makes me wanna go blow up an asshole alien. However, the only aliens we have around here are of the Mexican variety and they're such nice hard working little aliens that I feel it would be wrong to blow their mothership all to hell. Plus, I'm not sure they have a mothership.

I also have severe issues when the SWTHOG (Stripper with a heart of gold) and her little boy and the dog are in the tunnel and she kicks the door in and yells 'Boomer!' and here comes the dog and OMG he's not gonna make it, he's not gonna make it, GO, BOOMER,GO, run you little yellow bastard!

And also, I heart Judd Hirsch.

[Cassandra]

You could have watched all five episodes of Rocky yesterday on SPIKE. To me, that screams USA! USA! Most notably in Rocky IV where he kicks some Soviet ass.

[Jessica]

TNT is showing 16 straight hours of Law & Order. Almost as good. Almost.

[melbearz]

That is a totally awesome movie. I remember when it came out (this was before kids), we went and saw it THREE TIMES over the weekend. The theatre by our house was showing it 24 hrs a day for the weekend and of the shows we saw was like at three in the morning. And people cheered each time. Ahhh, those were the days...

Now I have to settle for lame Transformers for my FOJ movie fix. Sigh.....

[Pat]

Jen, next year you can come up to Wisconsin and use our lake house for the 4th. I would have offered it this year but we just closed on the place and there is no furniture. Price of entry is one copy of BLBA since I left my BRAND NEW barely read copy at the car dealer.

[Jen]

Did you see that Mr Will is AGAIN saving the world, this time in "I Am Legend"? Apparently he's the last man on Earth or something like that. Hasn't he been through enough? Doesn't he deserve a nice long break from saving the planet?

It comes out in December. I am so there.

[jamie]

Say Anything is on....Lloyd Dobbler

Spanish::::shaking head:::::Spanish

Happy 4th!

The pool and a drink sound much better!

[Mandy]

Favorite scene EVER is when Will Smith is carrying the alien through the desert and GOES OFF! Cracks me up every time!

[Brianne]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that got screwed with the telemundo version of Independence Day. I was baking cookies while my best friend found it on the television and then five seconds later, I heard him scream "What the f**k is this horse sh*t! Spanish? This isn't their f**king holiday!"

[Sils]

I can not watch that movie, the part where the dog barely makes it freaks me out too much. No lie.

[Stefanie]

You are not alone. It is also only showing here on Telemundo. DH is pissed!

[Jamie]

I am so glad that someone else will come out publicly and admit to loving that movie! My family mocks me everytime I watch it which is everytime I run across it on TBS or some other station. I can't help but get sucked in!

[Jessie]

Now I totally want to watch that movie, and we don't even get Telemundo. I hope someone else is playing it today. And here I was, worried about not having 4th of July plans.

[Jen]

Sí, Martha - Senor Smith, el queso no es viejo ni mohoso!

[Martha]

Yo estoy enamorada con El Senor Smith. Es verdad. El tiene un sitio permanente en mi "Lista De Cinco."

[Thessalonika]

Jen, you're freakin' hilarious. I was contemplating one of the other MALM beds on the same day you posted your entry. I decided against it since I'm by myself and they don't let you take the carts more than 3 feet from the store and I'm not about to carry an 80 pound frame. So I said screw it, my bed will have to sit on the floor for a while longer. I'm sorry to say I haven't yet read Bright Lights, Big Ass because I'm in year-freakin'-round school (graduating December 07, Accounting) but I'm going to be reading it as a major reward for the work I've done. Keep 'em coming and if you're ever in Texas I'd love to meet you! (No, I do not own a horse.)

[Suzy Q]

Oh, snap. They're only showing it in Spanish? Arrrgh. LOVE that movie. In ENGLISH! As in, the language of the US of fucking A! Gawd.

[Jessica]

You have no idea how you just struck a chord with me. I, too, have seen that damn movie about 50 times, no lie. I LOVE that movie! People think I'm crazy, but I'm with ya, sister!

I'm sorry it was only in Spanish -- that's sacrilige. Somebody ought to be fired over that there screw-up, post haste!

And yay for banana daquiries - never thought of using nanners!

[Michele]

OMG i just snorted when i read that. Hey did you ever get your bed delivered?