Wash Me (Or Not)

Imagine you are in your basement organizing which of your work clothes should be taken to the drycleaner.  While sorting, you run across your wife's favorite bathing suit drying on a rack. 

What do you do next?

A)  You put it right back where you found it because your wife expressly instructed you to only grab your work clothes.  And as this is plus-sized women's swimwear, you're pretty sure you've never worn this piece to the office.  Also, she yelled at you the seventeen times you accidentally washed and dried it last year, too.

B)  You put it right back where you found it because your wife expressly instructed you to stay the hell away from her laundry as she's still pissed off you shrunk most of her polo shirts when you washed them in boiling water and dried them within an inch of their lives last week.

C)  You put it right back where you found it because your wife begged you to please, please, please ask her if you ever have any laundry-based questions.  And, really?  Since you work hard, maybe just leave everything for her because she promises you she doesn't mind washing all the clothes, especially since nothing gets ruined that way.

D)  You take the bathing suit directly to the drycleaner.

Try to guess how Fletch answered this question.

Here's a hint:

I'll truly consider it a Miracle Suit if it doesn't explode next time I put it on. 

Comments

[Liz K]

this reminded me of a most tramatic event in my life, when my fiance (then boyfriend) washed and then dried my favorite jeans within an inch of their life, shrinking them to barbie size. i never got to wear them again :( wah.

[clownie55]

My husband decided it would be a good idea to stick my brand new Dolce and Gabanna shirt in the dryer...
The good news is that he is walking again, the bad news is that we can't have children anymore.

[Shanna]

OMG..make him wear it!

[justzoot]

They cannot possibly be as stupid and helpless as they appear. It's got to be some clever underground thing men do to get out of helping around the house. Sheesh.

[justzoot]

They cannot possibly be as stupid and helpless as they appear. It's got to be some clever underground thing men do to get out of helping around the house. Sheesh.

[justzoot]

They cannot possibly be as stupid and helpless as they appear. It's got to be some clever underground thing men do to get out of helping around the house. Sheesh.

[TravelGretta]

I didn't even read this, I was too busy being thrilled at your new blog design! It looks GREAT! Now I'll go read.

[PaintingChef]

Good news. My Miracle Suit (the black halter one that gives good cleavage) endured similar dry cleaning trauma and came through just fine. And Patrick has never again set foot near my dry cleaning pile. Now? When he wants to be sweet and thoughtful and considerate? He goes with baked goods and cream cheese icing.

[Michele V]

That is too funny. I wish my husband would ruin my shit in the laundry so I could go binge shopping and blame him for it. As it is, binge shopping must be carefully planned so I can smuggle new clothes into the house.

[Lizz]

ok, so im only 16 but hahahaha.
seeing what Fletch did just cracked me up.
my mom's laying on my bed, asleep, and i started laughing so hard she woke up and got angry cause i was loud.

my sister has just finished bright lights, big ass, and now im waiting on it to come down my way.

=]

keep up the good work!
your funny as heck!

[Kelly]

OMG, I snarfed my Cherry Coke Zero trying not to make too much noise while still enjoying a hardy laugh at this, as my husband is on the phone with Vonage AGAIN and I was told to "hush". We totally cannot agree on laundry practices. This hits me... right in the heart.

[Kristina]

I have the opposite problem. My husband "does the laundry", but is so worried that he will harm something, that he sorts all of my work clothes into a "special" pile that he just allows to sit there because he is afraid he will ruin them. So, when he says he has done all the laundry, I still have nothing to wear!

[kalisah]

SUCH a man-thing to do.

[Jean-Luc Picard]

Good luck with the bathing suit!

[Barb]

That settles it. No husband for me, ever!! I like my bathing suit just the way it is....

[Daphne]

I take some comfort in knowning that I am not the only woman out here who turns into a screeching loon everytime her husband ruins her clothing by not paying attention to the care instructions.

[Aimee]

Hmm...do you think it's possible that they are smarter than we think? That maybe they do the laundry poorly so we don't ask them to do it EVER AGAIN? lol

My guy is almost afraid to do it - he asks me about EVERYTHING. (can I wash this? do i dry this?) It's quite fun. But at least he's careful. hehe.

[Jennifer]

Hysterical. I do not have a husband but I share the washer dryer with my upstairs neighbors (both straight guys) and I have threatened them within an inch of their lives to never EVER, EVER put any of my laundry in the dryer. EVER!

tee hee. I hope you bathing suit is safe. Who would think to bring a bathing suit to the Dry Cleaners anyway? Too funny. I'm suprised they dry cleaned it!

[miriam]

oh. my. god. My husband is your husband. He's not even a Mormon.

[Michelle]

What a classic spousal story!

Sounds like the same kind of thinking that my husband had the time I sent him to the store for baby carrots and he came back with a jar of baby food.

Love your books and blog!

[Jessica]

Bless his pea-pickin' heart! That's so very sad, but he was trying to help. He probably wondered why in the sam hell you wanted your bathing suit drycleaned, but since you are a princess, he wasn't gonna argue. Of course he had no recollection of all the times you told him not to touch it. He's a man -- whaddya want! Hee!

[Dani]

OMG, I am honestly, seriously LAUGHING OUT LOUD.

Ok, since I have trouble reading things in the order in which they appear, of course I looked at the picture first. And here is my train of thought:
"I cannot believe Jen hangs her bathing suit on a hanger."

Then, as I start to read your post:
"She hangs her bathing suit in the closet with her work clothes? I didn't think they had THAT much closet space."

Then when I finish the post and try to catch my breath because I'm laughing so hard: "Wow, my husband must share a brain with Fletch, because that is EXACTLY something he would have done!"

[Alisha]

During the first year of our marriage, my husband washed and machine dried a pair of linen pants of mine. And a silk knit sweater. And a Shetland wool sweater (no biggie - we'd moved to Florida, so I really didn't need it, and it was truly amusing how tiny the damn thing got!)

That was 12 years ago. I'm still begging him - pleading with him! - not to touch anyone's laundry but his own. And yet, what do I hear from down the hall last evening as I brushed my teeth? "Honey, your bras don't go in the dryer, do they?" Well, he's asking now, so he's making progress. But if he hadn't asked and HAD shrunk one of my brand new $50 Wacoal bras, I would have punched him in the neck right before I charged three more to his credit card!

I'm convinced this is why men usually die first. If not, their clothing would all be pink and two sizes too small with bleach stains.

[Lisa M]

Well, at least Fletch takes things to the dry cleaners. My husband? He thinks everything that says DRY CLEAN ONLY really just needs to go in the washer on gentle. Oy.

[The Kept Woman]

I once had underwear that had ironing instructions on them. I mean it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't a thong...like what am I going to iron?

Back on topic though...a bathing suit? To the dry cleaner's? Ummmmm...that's right up there with those folks that iron their jeans.

Total mystery to me.

[Me]

Would drying cleaning really hurt the suit? Hm. I'd be more upset at the waist of money. Still hilarious.

[Busted]

BWAHAHA!! I love it! I think my husband would have washed then neatly folded it and left it on my pillow.

Oh and I just finished your book Bitter is the New Black and I loved it! I didn't realize you wrote so many books until I saw your blog (which I didn't know was real until I finished the book) I'll be checking out 'Bright Lights...' asap

[Lisa]

Dare I say LOL?? I know how much you love that acronym. Or how about diet cream soda squirted out my nose from snorting after seeing the bathing suit pic? Too funny. Loved both books, just finished Bright Lights, have told everyone I know about Bitter, will begin campaign to get all previously hassled friends on the bandwagon to read this one too, it was great.

[Lisa]

Dare I say LOL?? I know how much you love that acronym. Or how about diet cream soda squirted out my nose from snorting after seeing the bathing suit pic? Too funny. Loved both books, just finished Bright Lights, have told everyone I know about Bitter, will begin campaign to get all previously hassled friends on the bandwagon to read this one too, it was great.

[Carol]

Yay! comments!

We need something there for scale in that photo.

Just think about Pete and how he killed the microwave and how he gave the mohawk to the nine year old and you will feel better.

[LisaN]

The Joy Luck Cleaners? Amy Tan has sure fallen on hard times, huh?

[Tinsley]

Ha ha this sounds so typical for Fletch from his doings in your books. Priceless!

[Are we on COPS Again?]

That just made my morning (well, that and the triple shot latte I just pounded). Thank you!

[Cheeky]

Ok so just lock the laundry room and refuse him entry.....have a shoot where he can drop the laudry but make it a one way shoot.....

[Cindy]

I don't mean to brag, but my husband always does (or doesn't do) what I tell him. But, then again, he's afraid of me.

Kids are just as useless as husbands though. My 16-year old daughter just washed AND DRIED my brand new bathing suit. I was already squeezing into it in an attempt to make myself feel skinnier so there's no freakin' way it's gonna fit.

[Michelle]

My husband only goes into the laundry room to "fix" what he shouldn't touch.

Last night (9pm) he soo kindly pulled out the washer and dryer, so I could CLEAN behind them.

The problem?
1) he wasn't asked.

2) if the cat/dog hair, hangers, utensils (??) and baby bottle (my youngest will be 11 soon) bothered him so, the broom and mop are neatly hanging right next to the appiances.

3) because he disconnected the water, not only will this mess still be here when he arrives home at 3:30 today, so will the accumulating laundry.

I am still recovering from yesterdays events, of which I had to take my 3 daughters for their immunizations. I have a son as well, but he will miss this round of terror, as it was for Gardisil (HPV shot).
8% of girls will pass out during or shortly after the injection. Apparently, my 15 year old falls in that category. She turned gray and hollowed eyed, hits the floor like a sack of potatoes. The 10 year old, who was waiting her turn, screams, "Oh HELL NO" and shoots out of the room, hurdling over her passed out sister, while the 16 year old is laughing her ass off.It was only 10 am. My reward? Cleaning behind the appliances? Uh Uh I don't think so.
Shell

[LitChick35]

Oh HO! Why are men so insistent on washing EVERYTHING in hot water, then putting the dryer to the hottest setting (which really doesn't dry stuff any better, really just makes me towels muggy!). I'm still waging a battle with my boyfriend to turn his clothes right-side-out before putting anything in the hamper!

[Jayme]

My husband is not allowed to laundry either, not because he shrinks things but for the fact he enjoys crossword puzzles and does not know how to remove them from the back pocket of his pants. My clothes at least fit (well the ones that don’t I have to blame on cookies and not my husband) but every fleece piece of clothing I own now has tiny bits of newspaper cemented to them.

[Kristen]

That is fantastic! My husband is not allowed to touch laundry either, though he is notorious for leaving wet dirty clothes mingling with my white shirts (and not telling me)!

[southernfriedgirl]

Oh it would be ON.

You received a blog award on my blog.

[Phil]

How can husbands be so bad at mundane things? Being a husband myself I find it embarrassing that there are men out there who don't do dishes, can't navigate a grocery store, don't know how to do their laundry, and the worst offense, having wives who enable this juvenile behavior. Mabye I just was brought up by a Wolf Mother, but I was cooking at age 9, doing dishes before that, and doing laundry around the same time. Sounds like a training issue here.

Namaste.

[Lala]

Bless him! That's hilarious. I can't help but think that even if that is totally a clueless thing to do, its also incredibly thoughtful of him.

[Lala]

Bless him! That's hilarious. I can't help but think that even if that is totally a clueless thing to do, its also incredibly thoughtful of him.

[Rebecca]

I HAVE THE SAME BATHING SUIT!!!!!!!! That just made. my. friggin. day.

[Sean]

Have you ever considered getting a lot of Post its and putting "DON'T TOUCH" on all things that Fletch is supposed to leave alone? Or do you think he would just ignore those too.

[Rhi]

How about E: You were never aware your home had washing an drying devices?

[disgruntled dispatcher]

That is great!!

Being a man he probably sees no prob with it. LMAO

[disgruntled dispatcher]

That is great!!

Being a man he probably sees no prob with it. LMAO

[motherofbun]

Its oddly comforting to know that your husband has ruined some of your favorite clothing pieces too.

One of these days, my husband is going to be walking around in a strange way. And that would be because I finally got tired of him trying "help" me out and there is now a lovely black high-heeled shoe up his butt. What? Its an old pair. Out of date anyway. Chunky heel too.

[eowyn_2]

ROFL.

Yeah, I got me one of them too.

Except he doesn't take washable stuff to the dry cleaners, he throws a wool skirt in the washer and dryer.

I think it's a sneaky way to get me to do all the laundry, except I don't mind keeping my STUFF FROM GETTING RUINED THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Other than that, he's great. :)