Riding in Cars with Jerks

Setting:  My kitchen, late Friday afternoon.  I'm grabbing a bottle of water when Fletch returns home from the gym.

Me:  Hey, good workout?

Fletch:  Yes!  And guess what?  I came up with a new term - ASS-STAIN.

Me:  Gross.

Fletch:  (grinning)  Isn't it?

Me:  (pause)  Soooo, did you come up with it as an academic endeavor or did you shout it at someone in traffic?  (Did I ever mention my husband is the O.G. when it comes to the drive-by shouting?)

Fletch: (nods)  In traffic. 

Me:  Was there provocation, or did you come down with Tourette's?

Fletch:  I was by the railroad tracks and this jackass in a huge Cherokee pulled up and blocked the on-ramp.  She trapped a whole string of cars so I began honking and she didn't move.  So I honked some more, and nothing.  Then I rolled down my window and started shouting "Ass-stain!  Hey, ass-stain!  Move your Jeep!"

Me:  Nice.  Although, wait, where were you?  At Elston and Damen?  Were you by the homeless guy I always threaten?  (Long story, but trust me, he deserves it.  And if you've ever been stuck at the light at Elston and Fullerton, you already know what I'm talking about.)  (All I'm saying is your decision to live outdoors does not give you license to bang on windows and screw up traffic for the thousands of people who pass through there every day.)

Fletch:  Beyond that but before the underpass.

Me:  I can't picture where you were.

Fletch:  Here, I'll just whiteboard it out.

Me:  No, that's OK-  (He erases the grocery list on the fridge and five minutes of diagrams later, I figure out where the incident occurred.)

Fletch:  Understand now?

Me:  Yes. But that's five minutes of my life I will never get back.

* * *

Setting:  Later that day, in the car, coming from the Dominick's off Fullerton, headed to the strip mall with the Sports Authority and the McDonald's.

Me:  McDonald's for dinner is fine.

Fletch:  Are you sure?  Otherwise, we could just prepare some of what we just bought.

Me:  Yeah, I'll get a salad and just pick off the cheese and use my own-

Fletch:  OH, MY GOD!  (rolls down window)  ASS-STAIN!  ASS-STAIN!  HEY, ASS-STAIN!  Look!  Look!  That blue Cherokee!  Right there?  Do you see?  That was the ass-stain from earlier today!  (shouts at retreating tail-lights)  See you later, ASS-STAIN!

Me:  (sigh)  That's right, ladies.  He's all mine.

Comments

[Katherine]

Down here in south Texas, we just shoot the homeless guys. There was a guy on the highway medium last month and he pulled out a machete and the cop had to shoot him.(10 times) Tames the whole group for a couple of weeks.
My husband likes "road whore" when he gets mad at women on the road. He is forbidden to use it on me.

[carrotpenis]

I try very hard not to be your husband but alas I am not very successful.

[blackbird]

So, sort of like a skidmark in that it is automotive in nature - and yet still has something to do with someone's ass, right?

[blackbird]

So, sort of like a skidmark in that it is automotive in nature - and yet still has something to do with someone's ass, right?

[The Other Me]

Me,

Remember that you said you liked that your boyfriend was non-confrontational if and when you get married. Marriage changes everything.

[Me]

Thank you for helping me realize that it is a *good thing* that my boyfriend is non-confrontational.

[Lilly Munster]

I think "fuckrag" is the winner. I would love to borrow the term for my own use, but I have recently made a promise to my husband to clean up my vocabulary. Being a sixth generation New Yorker makes is almost impossible! (Wish me luck)

[Tiana]

I gotta say, I love both douche-nozzle and ass-stain. However, MY alltime favorite is fuckrag. It really creates a visual if you're unfortunate enough to stop and think about it for a moment.

[Anna D]

It is pretty funny the way you tell it, but by the title of your post, I wonder if deep down you were mortified... I don't know if it's more acceptible the further East you get, like in NY it's expected that people are rude and mean, but here in Oregon, I absolutely want to die when my boyfriend does something like that when I am around. Maybe I am being too sensitive and taking it too personally, but I have almost broken up with him over public displays like that.

[Christine]

OMG Classic!!!! I love it. Thanks for the new verbage. :)

[Michele]

I about died laughing when I read this.. OMFSM he is definitely a keeper

[HoosierTom]

F*cknut is a great word, a stand by and a classic that I have used for years. That being said I have already called 4 drivers in central Indiana "Douche-Nozzle" but I think only one of them heard me. I am currently contemplating purchasing either a mega-phone or a flashing neon sign I can switch on and off that would "illuminate" the douche-nozzles as to exactly my opinion of them and their driving ability!

[Amy H.]

Sounds like he rivals our "turban lady" here in town. She stands at intersections and puts curses on people as they drive by. Maybe they should date.

[LisaCate]

I think I'll stick with my all-time fave, "f*cknut."

But I'll pass ass-stain on to my hubby. He's always looking for new things to shout and/or teach our 4 year old. :P

[sarah]

That intersection is the worst in the city! And that guy is horrible!! I've almost hit him on my way to CostCo multiple times. The tube sock guy also has a friend (or maybe its the same guy) who sometimes appears at the exit for Midway from 55 and also downtown getting on the highway on Ohio. Who are all these people that need socks in their car?!

[michelle]

I think my new term, at least for today may have to be "Douche-Nozzle". That's just freakin' hilarious...

[Kate]

I am ashamed to say that I identify with your situation.

My husband's latest?

"Douche-Nozzle," which has henceforth replaced "ass-hat," and, "no talent ass-clown," in his daily vocabulary.

We're so proud of him.

[Shanon]

Honesty, I am having a terrible day and that totally made me laugh out loud...I love it!!

[Lisa M]

The exclamation of Ass-Stain will not catch on, I'm just saying. Nice try Fletch.

As I have lived in the southern part of Illinois for the last 3 yrs, sadly I know of who you speak at Elston and Damen. I cannot believe he's still there. Isn't there a life expectancy of strange homeless men who stop traffic?

[SprengBlingBling]

A. That homeless guy is cra-zy.

B. How about the guy on Elston, right at that light, but on the side closer to Target, WHO SELLS TUBE SOCKS?! Seriously. He sells tube socks. On the street. At red lights. I don't get it. Do you look down and slap your forehead and say, "Shit, I lost a sock since I left home. I better buy a new pair."

C. We used to do that when I still lived at home. We would grocery shop and then go to McDonalds on the way home. Every Sunday. It was tradition.

[Busted]

I used to be (like a few months ago)totally vulgar and yell out c**k s*cker when someone really pissed me off but I've learned that here in VA I said it waaaay too much since everyone here drives stupid. So now I just yell out "damn tourist!" and that seems to piss people off even more. hehe

[Amy]

Please let me know when Fletch drives in the 'burbs.

[Barbara]

Please do not leave for 6 days again. I have no life, and no Fletch.

[Amanda]

I will never look at skid row the same way again. It puts a whole new perspective on "hitting the skids". Most of Alaska is too cold for people who are domestically challenged, they do build whole camps in the woods just off major roads and shopping areas in the summer.

[Michele V]

I know it's a bad day already when at 10AM I read this and the 40 at Piccadilly is sounding so damn good.

[Cathy A]

I work in Washington, DC. We have a guy who carries a sign that says "Why lie? I wanna beer." I must say he does quite well at rush hour.

[Nichole]

This sounds exactly like my fiance. And we don't have a "homeless" guy where I live (Champaign, IL) but we do have a guy with one leg that stands on the Prospect Avenue and I-74 interchange with a sign that says "Bone Cancer... please help. He can't get over to my car to bang on my window, and his silence and sad sign actually make me feel bad for him. He'd probably take my money and get a 40 at Piccadilly.

[Jen]

Seriously, think of the economic impact this asshat has on Chicago. People desperately try to avoid him and end up shooting out into the six-way intersection against the light. Then their cars block the triangle and no one can move, thus delaying every single person who passed through by at least five minutes.

Thousands of people x five minutes of lost productivity = a damn good reason to dial 911 to squeal every time I see him.

P.S. Didn't you tell me his limp was totally fake?

P.P.S. The new nail salon right there in the old Banana Realty storefront is really cheap and clean and you don't need an appointment.

[Deanna]

I hate that homeless guy! I live on Diversey between Damen and Ashland so I see him almost every time I have to drive down Damen to get to the highway. Yes, that's daily.

One of these days I might accidentally swerve and put him out of his and our misery. I'm not kidding, either.