Teh Winnahs (and Obligatory Lecture Because You Knew It Was Coming)

First, everyone, thanks for participating!  Your captions completely cracked me up yesterday and the following are my favorites.

First up, Babs's entry. 

Next, Stace's contribution.

Third, Malabama got creative.

But my very favorite is Jessica who I think best captured the whole LOLCAT vibe with these dual entries.

Jessica, congrats and please send me your address so I can mail your your book!

* * * * * * * * *

And now for the lecture...

Yesterday Mindy posted in the comments she couldn't play our captioning game because she thought it was too sad.  Thank you all for not attacking her and calling her a troll because she wasn't wrong. 

This IS sad.  But here's why I think a little public shaming will do Lindsay Lohan some good. 

Right now Lindsay should be building a life and a career because she IS talented.  Who didn't fall in love with her in The Parent Trap and Freaky Friday and who wasn't completely delighted by her performance in the movie Mean Girls?  She seemed like the kind of like the little sister we'd all want to have, right?  I certainly don't think of her in the same class as Paris who's famous because she paid a publicist to make it happen.  Lindsay Lohan has a place in the spotlight because she earned it.

I'm not completely heartless and I'd like to say the world should be more kind and understanding of Lindsay's problems.  We can't imagine the kind of pressure she's under and, really, who among us didn't fuck up at her age?  Of course, for most of us, we were forced to deal with the consequences of our youthful actions.  For example, when I got myself kicked out of college after my sophomore year, no one patted me on the knee and said it would be OK.  I'm not saying my parents weren't empathetic; however, they understood the best way for me to keep from screwing up like that again was to send me off to work and have me pay for my own schooling. 

And now I have the degree (and student loan debt) to prove they were right.

When I imploded, it was up to me to reassemble myself and I never forgot what I learned in so doing.  Yet after Lindsay's first DUI - and when public shaming (or a couple of months behind the cash register at Maurices') would have done her a world of good - she still found herself in every magazine being touted as a role model, a trend-setter, an icon... a celebrity.  Just look at any recent glossy tabloid - sure they've talked some smack, but the pictures they show portray a completely different message, e.g. When Lindsay's in rehab, her beverage of choice is SmartWater!  Lindsay enjoys drying out poolside in Catalina brand swimwear!  Lindsay hides her bloodshot eyes in a classic pair of RayBan aviators! Shit, I'm surprised Mercedes didn't hire her to be a spokeswoman to tout the crashability of their S-class model.  So, to a certain degree, I can understand the cognitive dissonance she must experience in trying to come to terms with having fucked up while an entire industry exists solely to take her photograph.

I believe Lindsay is the product of overly-permissive Boomer parents who've done nothing but use her as show pony to serve their own needs.  (*cough*Lynn Spears*cough*)  And I am sorry.  However, Lindsay IS of age and has been for three years and the choices she's made recently are her own.  Her parents didn't pour cocktails down her throat.  They didn't fill her pockets with cocaine.  Neither Mom nor Dad pushed her behind the wheel and held a gun to her head saying, "Drive!"  She did this by her own volition. 

Maybe her behavior is due to addiction and because of this, Mindy's point is we should be tolerant.  With an average person, I wouldn't disagree.  Addiction is heartbreaking.  Devastating.  Honestly, I really was happy when Lindsay went to rehab after her DUI.  I hoped the group meetings and counseling and introspection would allow her to emerge from this period of her life wiser, yet unscathed.  My wish was she'd come to terms with how she was living her life and realize exactly how selfish and dangerous it was to drive a car in an altered state.  I wanted her to really live the steps and emerge from Promises a strong and stable person, capable not only of taking responsibility for her actions but also determined to use her fame and fortune as an agent for positive change. 

So I bought the magazines because I wanted to monitor her progress.

However, as her stint at Promises wore on and more and more photos were released, I began to suspect her inpatient status stemmed not from a desire for a cure, but because her publicity machine said she had to go.  I don't doubt Promises is in the business of helping people get better.  But I wonder if she was admitted with the understanding she wasn't addicted and just needed it to look like she was doing something?  This would explain why she was allowed to come and go at will and attend parties.

Regardless, within days of graduating Promises, there she was on the road, legally drunk, carrying drugs, and endangering the lives of the very people who buy both the magazines and the products they see her use. 

Again, no one made her get into the car.

This is the choice she made. 

A very bad choice.

And there are no more excuses.

Her choices this time demonstrate she didn't learn a damn thing the first time around.  Since it's well documented she doesn't come from the kind of people who'd give her the swift kick in the ass she so desperately needed, the onus fell on those of us who see her movies and read about her in the tabs.  Instead of passing judgment, we sent Lindsay hope, hugs, and good tidings.  We forgave her bad behavior because we felt she'd eventually right her own course.  We crossed our fingers she would "let go and let God."  We were sadly tolerant and we gave her a second chance, clasping our hands in prayer that she'd find her way. 

But you know what?  Our kid-glove approach didn't work.

We failed her.

And she blew it. 

Again.

So fuck tolerance.

It doesn't work.  Being sad for her isn't going to save her.

Bring on the shame.

Comments

[Kim Thomas]

If Lindsey Lohan doesnt wind up dead it will be a surprise. She had so much going for her it's absolutley terrible how she has ended up.

[Poppy]

Lindsey Lohan makes me feel ashamed to be a baby boomer. Somehow, I feel so ... dirty.

And now, please excuse me. I have to go chain up my children.

[l]

She's on my list of folks I treat like scary drunk pan-handlers: Give No Money.

Also on the list:
Micheal Richards
Robert Downey, Jr (regretfully.)
Woody Allen (not so regretfully)
Mel Gibson

and many more.

[Melissa]

Amen, Sister Jen. I was reading an interview with Shia LaBeouf recently and his take about the whole "just making the same mistakes as everyone else--but doing it in public" mentality. He talked about how he stays out of the whole party scene and won't do the typical 21st birthday celebration and didn't feel he was missing out because of this. His quote "sure everyone turns 21; not everyone gets to be in the next Indiana Jones". Here's a young man who appreciates his life, and his dad was a heroin addict when he was growing up. So much for the "blame the parent" mentality. But whereas Lindsay makes the covers, he's on page whatever. Paris is on Larry King. When did celebrity journalism become about celebrating the biggest loser behavior?

[patti]

there is much to be said for public shaming...

[agnes]

hey jen

i must be prophetic or something. 2 days before the latest lindsay arrest, i wrote on my blog regarding her sad sad sorry (and slutty) state. tut tut.

www.beakerblog.bigblog.com.au

[Marcy O]

Okay, as I've been sitting here watching TV this evening, once again annoyed that the 2008 presidential campaign started about 2 years ago yet we still have well over a year to go, it has now struck me - you need to run for president. Not only are you highly entertaining, you are real, you are not afraid to speak the truth, and you are extremely intelligent. Which is all the more reason you probably are overqualified to run for president.

[Rebecca]

You couldn't have said it more eloquently. Once again - you rock!!! Bow down to the queen bitches!!

[Michele]

Are you SURE the parents didn't put the cocaine in her pockets? I don't know. Also, Dina is saying today that Lindsay was wearing someone else's pants. Someone please explain to me why that would be OK. Girl needs to live like a normal person for a few months.

[Italian-American Princess]

Very well said. I couldn't agree with you more. Someone needs to give Lindsay that very swift, very hard with steel-toed-Doc Martens kick in the ass she desperately craves.

[Sils]

I'm glad someone else finally pointed out that she's a big girl and responsible for her own actions. You know, I was raised in a very dysfunctional family and managed to come out of it with a college degree, no addictions, and live a productive life that doesn't threaten the lives of others. I get very tired of hearing people blame their actions on their childhood, or their parents. Although I realize there are exceptions to every rule, there comes a point where you have to pull up your socks and take same damn responsibility for your own actions.

[ztakim]

Ditto Hayley! AMEN JEN!

[Travelphile Jen]

I can't even watch Mean Girls or Parent Trap anymore...too depressing when I know that adorable, talented girl on the screen is now a burnt-out addict.

[Geege]

I agree with what most of you are saying - Lindsay does need a good kick in the pants...HOWEVER. Her parents are not the ones who are going to do it for fear of getting booted from the gravy train.

They're too happy to be where Lindsay's success has put them, so why would they let a little DUI or drug problem make them stand up and take responsibility for the monster that their greed helped create?

It's easier to sit on your ass and let others "fix" your daughter then to stand up and do the right thing, thereby risking the loss of your cushy life (ahem, Lynne Spears).

Dina and Michael (and a load of other family members, I suspect) will get involved and put Lindsay on the right path...but not yet. Right now, she's still making money and financing their life - when theres a threat of that disappearing they'll (hopefully) step up to the plate.

[Ben O.]

Parent Trap was great, but it was like 1,000 years ago.

All she does now is . . . uh . . . wait, she doesn't do anything!

Why are we interested in her?

Anyone?

Beuller?

Ben O.

[MB McGillicuddy]

I just want to see the California courts make right with this one. If she did what they say she did, she should get the punishment for it. That'll change her tune REAL quick.

Before this DUI/coke business I was considering seeing her movie this weekend. Not anymore! I won't support her actions.

[Jennifer]

Very nicely put.

[kate]

I could not agree more. There is a point where we need to stop blaming bad parenting and blame ourselves for the shitty stupid choices we make.

I am so sick of Lindsay, Paris, all of them feeling they can put the lives of others at risk by driving while intoxicated, etc. Hey you wanna hurt yourself go for it but leave others alone!

[Lisa M]

Word.

There are times when one needs tough love. LL needs tough love for her parents were a couple of pansy asses.

Also, as someone who had to do it for herself, I am more proud of the education I earned for myself after I quit college while my parents were paying for it. Sometimes all it takes is a swift kick in the arse. LL NEEDS a hard kick.

[Jessica]

I agree that it's just so tragic. She is an amazingly talented young woman, but over the last years I've watched the ravages of drugs and alcohol turn her into something very loosely resembling the Lindsay of yore. My heart goes out to her -- she is in some serious, deep, deep shit. I hope she's able to pull it together.

Paris, however, is an entirely different story. She is a complete and total skank and her parents should be ashamed of her, as well as themselves. Rick's parents must be so proud. I've never heard tell of Kathy's parents, so I'm guessing from trash she came, and trash she is. It's a damn shame. Makes me sick to think of all the young women that look up to Paris. Blech.

Love you, Jen! You rocketh in a big, huge way!

[dawn]

I do agree with the comments overall. Lindsay is in the throes of her addiction and she's in denial as well. Speaking from personal experience - tough love doesn't usually do it. One of my best friends had a serious alcohol/cocaine addiction. I tried to be supportive, retrieved him from all sorts of seedy places, visited him when we (family and friends) convinced him to go to rehab. He just kept relapsing over and over again. After a while, I couldn't watch the downward spiral anymore and stepped away. He finally got sober when HE decided that he couldn't continue living that way. He's been sober for 3 years now. Unfortunately, we're no longer friends (too much went on, it was exhausting), but I know he's doing well and wish him only the best and continued sobriety. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, Lindsay is really on her own and no matter how much forceful talk and tough love is shoved down her throat... it won't work until she wants it.

[Colleen]

word X 3
Sad, but sometimes "tough love" is needed. We all screw up but enabling parents just don't help.

On another note, glad to hear I'm not the only one who flunked out of college after my sophomore year. Lucky for me, my parents only made me WORK my way through summer school (in order to try to get decent enough grades to prove myself - being rejected by IUPUI was a VERY sad day). It was enough to learn my lesson. I now have the degrees (thankfully, minus the student loan debt) to prove it also....

Keep writing Sista....love your work.

[Tinsley]

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said other than this. If Nothing else, I salute her being arrested for her stupidity. If you are going to make the bad decision of getting behind the wheel drunk (and with drugs on you), probably don't get into a semi-high speed chase when you're bound to attract attention from the fuzz! DUMB-ASS-HAT!

[kalisah]

I agree with your comments, but I think if we really want to look at this for what it is, you have to take it out of the Hollywood and celebrity context.

I don't think anything she's doing has anything to do with her celebrity. She's in the throes of her addiction and let's face it - there's an awful lot of people in this country who are habitual DUI offenders. The majority of people - regular every day people - who go to rehab don't get it the first time. Or the second or the third.

So yeah, the celebrity (and the enourmous sums of money at her disposal) may complicate it a bit, but the truth of the matter is - the girl's an alcoholic & an addict and sometimes you gotta play the tough love card.

She's also a complete train wreck and it's pretty funny to have a laugh at her expense.

[Wendy Sherman]

Jen-
I agree 100 percent. The girl needs some serous help. As do both her parents. You especially are an amazing example to all of us who have hit the bottom and came out on our own much better people. Keep the books coming.

[Kat]

Dude. You are 100% correct-a-mundo. She needs to accept responsibility for her actions and do some time in the slammer. How many people are drunk driving these days, let alone people who live their life in the public eye.
Her parents are completely to blame also. How many times can Dina say that she is OK, she just likes to be social? How many times can Michael blame it on the fact that all of Lindsay's friends expect payouts. ENOUGH.

Blah. Im so done with her. Makes me ashamed to admit I'm from Long Island.

[Beth]

I agree with all of the above. Miss Lindsay, along with the other two members of the Axis of Evil, Britney and Paris, need to start acting like the grown-ups their birth certificates indicate that they are. Did I screw up when I was 21? Hell yeah, but I didn't have the luxury of checking into a spa, I mean rehab, to chill out for a month. I had to dust off my clothes, put on my big girls panties and take responsibility for my actions. I had to face the people I puked on the night before at work the next day. Did it suck? Oh yeah. Did I learn from it? Hell yeah.

Yes, I had the luxury of fucking up outside of the public eye, but I still had to take ownership, which is what these young ladies have never been forced to do with parents and flunkies on the payroll telling them that they are geniuses and that everything they do is art.

Lindsay needs a shock of reality, not another stint at Promises. Stephen King wrote a column for Entertainment Weekly reminising about his time in rehab, and noted that it was nothing like the spas that Lindsay and Britney are being packed off to with high thread count sheets and messages. Perhaps a stint at one of California's finest correctional facilities is just what the doctor ordered so this obviously talented and troubled young lady can get the help she needs.

Oy...just re-reading what I wrote...when did I get possessed by the spirit of my senior year high school theology teacher?

[Kari]

She gave an interview to a magazine not long ago (I cannot for the life of me remember which one) in which she basically admitted that she loved the paparazzi attention and would feel terrible if they weren't paying attention to her.

I have said it before and I'll say it again. There is a whole new crop of starlets that are addicted to fame. I think Lindsay is more addicted to fame than anything else.

[Aimee]

Girl...you are good! You took the words right out of my mouth. Ok. Maybe not the exact words. You are much more eloquent than I am (which is why you write books for a living and I do not). Yesterday I posted somewhere that until they get Lindsey out of Hollywood and quit giving her work (and paying her millions of dollars) she will never feel the need to change her ways. It's all about the almighty dollar. Her agents, managers, publicists etc...continue to push her because she is their paycheck. If she does indeed need rehab it needs to be somewhere out of the lime light and for longer than a couple of months. If any of the people around her truly care about her they will realize this. But truly? She may not be an addict. She may just be a rich, spoiled 21 year old going through a "party phase". My God...if someone had been following me around taking pictures at that age....well...let's just say a lot of people would probably think a lot less of me. Thank God I was able to get through that stage of my life anonomously and without doing permanent damage to myself or someone else. (and while I'm at it thank God I didn't end up in jail...because I came close a couple of times). Anyway...my point is that if this is just a bad phase for her all the more reason for them to get her out of Hollywood and/or Las Vegas and away from the paparazzi for awhile. The key there is that they have to be willing NOT TO TELL THE PRESS where she is going. It won't happen...she's surrounded by people who care much more about how much money she makes them or what club she can get them into than about her well being. Too sad.

[Nina]

Word x 2. I wholeheartedly agree.

You know what pisses me off most? The fact that we even CONTEMPLATE what we can do for Lindsay (Larry King...gah! What happened to real interviews? When did you turn into Nancy Grace? Cripes) instead of wondering, "Now, why is the system any different for her?" I know if it were me or someone from my family, in spite of the fact that my own mother is a well-respected government official, I'd suffer the consequences FIRST and then the chance to rehabilitate. Celebrities suck. Then again, I do read the People, so who am I kidding...?

[Kristabella]

Word.

First off, her parents (read mom) totally share a lot of this blame. Hey Dina! Stop trying to start your career as an E! correspondant and be an effing mother to your child! I mean, I don't have kids, but isn't all this underage partying she's done in the last 5 years a cry for freaking help? And not "hey mom! Help me by giving loads of interviews to Access Hollywood."

Also, girl needs some true friends. Because they are the ones who smack you and tell you "driving drunk? NOT a good idea!" And they take the keys from you. Whether you're pissed or not.

I've done my share of partying. And I know I've made stupid mistakes. Plenty of them. But I have no sympathy for someone with a crapload of money who CONTINUES to get behind the wheel of a car while drunk/high/stupid, whatever. If you want to chase someone in your car, hire a driver!

And one more thing, emailing Access Hollywood to say the coke wasn't yours makes you look even more stupid. Plus, let's say it "wasn't" yours, you still had a blood alcohol level above the legal limit. Oh! And you're damn license is suspended.

While it's probably better she's going to a hard core rehab facility like Betty Ford, it still doesn't matter one bit until she wants to change. And as we've seen, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.

[AlaskaMe]

I agree with you 100%. It's time to cut the apron strings.

[Hayley]

Amen, Sistah!

[Kelli]

Jen-
I have recently read both of your books and have recommended them to ALL of my friends. You are the funniest author I have read in a long time, and I believe if we had met during college, we would be friends. We think alike!!
As far as Lindsay is concerned, you hit it right on the head. The wasted talent is a shame!! Fans needs to give her (and the other ones--Brittany--who, did I hear right, is pregnant AGAIN, and doesn't know who the father is this time, Nicole, Paris) some tough love and just start ignoring them. Stop going to their movies and concerts, stop reading the tabloids, stop acknowleging their bad behavior. Just ignore them. I think Lindsay needs to be put in a REAL rehab facility--where they don't get to leave whenever they want to go party. Fortunately, my 11 year old daughter refers to Lindsay as "the train wreck".

[shutmymouth]

Right on and amen, Jen! Michael and Dina Lohan are worthless peices of boomer shit. I am tired of seeing "they did the best they could" in print. I wish California's child protective services could step in and help the two younger siblings before they go the way of their big sister. But Lindsay needs to grow up and get over it. Paging Drew Barrymore.....

[Jane]

Yo Jen...you are the funniest chick alive! My friends and I LOVE your books, and I don't loan mine out! I make them buy their OWN!

On Lindsey, do you think these Hollywood Ho's are all going to end up in jail now? I mean, Paris did it...so it must be cool right?