Waiting for Godot... in a Totally Different Store

Today I NEED to continue to plug away on my rapidly-coming-due manuscript. 

However, I WANT to call for a boycott against Nike, Inc. but I'm waiting for their response on whether or not they plan to continue to have dog-killing thugs endorsing their products, MICHAEL VICK.  (In the meantime, Fletch spent last evening with a seam-ripper, removing little embroidered swooshes off all his athletic gear.)  (While our vicious, blood-thirsty, born-to-kill pit bull cowered in the bathroom because it was raining.)

And I WILL get started on neither, instead recounting this scene from twenty years ago that I'd completely forgotten about until I dreamed about it last night.  (BTW, if there's a fourth book in the whole life-of-Jen series, it will be a prequel composed of the longer version of hey-I-was-always-kind-of-an-ass stories like this.)

* * * * * * * * * *

It's late August, 1987.  Everyone I know is back on campus except for me.  The previous semester, I directed my academic efforts towards boys, beers, and VISA, so my university invites me to take a semester or two off with the nebulous suggestion I become less stupid.  My parents' plan for my de-stupidification is more concrete and includes work, and lot of it, should I want to continue to live indoors.  This is why I find myself in the belly of the beast, working retail at the Southtown Mall in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and having the following exchange with a harried-looking mother who enters my store:

Me:  (with the kind of forced cheerfulness our corporate office requires, knowing full well if I'm not polite that I could be fired and if I lose my job on top of being booted out of school, I will never, ever be out of trouble) Hi, welcome to Maurices'!  Can I help you find anything?

Customer:  Yes, I have a hold for Miller.

Me:  Sure!  Let's go get it for you!  (thumbing through the rack behind the counter)  Hmm, I don't see anything for Miller.  Did you hold it today?  We only keep items on the hold rack until the close of business, so if you held it yesterday, it would have been put back into stock.

Customer:  (snaps)  Yes, it was today.  The name is Miller.  M-I-L-L-E-R.  Look again.

Me:  Ooh, gosh, my mistake then!  Let's give this another looksie.  (going through the rack, pulling out every single garment) No, no, no Miller.  But let's see, I've got holds for Helen, for Heidi, for Marcy, and for Joan.  Did you give your first name?  Is one of these yours?

Customer:  No!  (exasperated sigh)  Go look in the back.

Me:  (I'm about to explain THE BACK is a cramped storage area with a mini-fridge and a small picnic table and a bunch of broken floor fixtures.  There's a wee cork board with this week's schedule posted to it, and if we're really, really lucky, the tiny, dank employee bathroom isn't too disgusting to use.  We don't put holds back here because it's tiny and gross.  And, more importantly, this is most certainly NOT where we hide all the good items that you only get to see after you specifically request we retrieve them from here.)  (And yet when I take in the customer's knitted brows and and lips pursed so hard her bright red lipstick is bleeding into all tiny wrinkles around her mouth, I think better of it.)  OK!  Be right out.  (I freshen up my lipgloss in the filthy mirror, taking my time so the customer assumes I'm looking.)

Me:  (returning)  Mrs. Miller, I'm so, so sorry!  It's not back there.  Somehow your item must have been returned to stock.  If you can tell me what it looks like, I'll find it for you immediately. 

Customer:  (slams hand on counter) Damn it, why are all you people all so incompetent?

Me:  (pauses, channeling my seething rage into something resembling polite conversation) So, um, were they a pair of jeans then?  Acid washed, perhaps?

Customer:  No!  It was a sweater!  It was a goddamned yellow argyle sweater with pink and green diamonds!  And my daughter is going have a fit you if you lost it and she can't wear it on the first day of school!

Me:  (MUST KILL)  (WITH KINDNESS)  (also, am completely sure if we HAD a yellow argyle sweater, I would already own it)  Ma'am, I think you're talking about the sweater at Ups 'N Downs across the hall.  Which is a totally different store from Maurices'.

Customer:  Show me because I am not leaving without this sweater.

Me:  (shrugging as I pass the other Maurices' employees in their mini-skirts and maxi-bangs while Customer and I exit, cross the courtyard, and enter Ups 'N Downs)  OK, then, here we are.  In this place which is a different store.

Customer:  (grabbing the sweater off a display where half a dozen of them are folded)  A-ha!  I told you you put them back!  Is retail really that difficult?  I don't know what is wrong with you people. 

Me:  (smiling with gritted teeth)  My guess is that we work in a different store.  See, that's why the music and clothing are different here and it's also why we went through that big hallway past the landscaping and the Things Remembered kiosk.

Customer:  (thrusting the sweater and her credit card at me)  Here, ring me up.  You've wasted enough of my time.

Me:  Sure!  Let me just find a clerk who works here in this store which is different from the store I work in.  (spotting an employee I know, grinning broadly)  Hey, Kendra?  Can you ring this up?  I can't, what with my not working here because this is a different store and all.

Kendra:  (punching buttons on the cash register and then handing over a slip)  Here you are Mrs. Miller, please sign here.  OK!  (hands over her package)  Thank you for shopping at Ups 'N Downs.

Me:  And at Maurices!  Which is a different store!  (customer exits, delighted with her purchase)

Kendra:  What the hell was that?

Me:  That was tangible proof of why I need to get my ass back into college.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hey!  While I was writing this entry, I got an email back from Nike:

There is no change in the status of the agreement between Nike and football player Michael Vick. Nike will continue to monitor the situation, but has nothing further to say at this time.

We appreciate that you took the time to contact us and your feedback will be passed along to the proper department.

Sincerely,

Nike

Oh, Nike... 

It is SO FUCKING ON.

Are you disgusted they've yet to part ties with Michael Vick?  Then please let them know!

One Bowerman Drive
Beaverton, OR 97005-6453
Phone: 1-800-344-6453

or

NIKE, Inc.
USA Consumer Services
PO Box 4027
Beaverton, OR 97076-4027

or

Click here for the email form you can use to tell Nike you don't buy products from corporations who ipso facto endorse dog fighting. 

Please cut, paste and repost this information to spread the word.

"Fuck you, Nike for making my mumma write a completely schizophrenic blog.  Also, your shoes don't even taste good."

Comments

[Daphne]

I sent them an email stating that my husband and I will no longer purchase any Nike products if they continue to have any ties with that hoodlum in professional-athlete clothing, Michael Vick.

I think someone should throw his dumb ass in a ring and let something rip him to shreds. If he loses, he should be wet down and electrocuted.

[Becky]

I, too, have emailed Nike and have posted the info as a MySpace bulletin. Suspending the release of the shoe isn't enough. They need to drop him. Yesterday.

[Beverly93]

Hi Jen,

Congrats on the new book - I laughed the entire time I was reading it! I can't wait for the next one. I'm Lewie's friend, by the way...

In case you don't already know this, the Humane Society has a link regarding the Michael Vick fiasco:

http://www.hsus.org/ Humane Society.

You can fill out a quick form the let the NFL know that what Vick did was wrong and cruel, and that you support him being suspended without pay.

I hope you find it useful! His affiliation with dog fighting is unforgivable.

Best to you!

[Regina]

First...love you love the books.

I was the extremely proud owner of a pit in the '80s. She is in the top five of past pets. I am an avid back of shelters and rescues. I just want to say the Fucktards at Nike and the NFL need to smarten up or lose...and lose big.
I will be passing and posting this around...

[Katie]

Jen, since it's my first comment here I feel compelled to preface it with saying that I loved both your books, and think you are FABulous. (even if you are a Repub) ;)

Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to say thanks for being a pit bull and rescue/shelter advocate as well as urging people to contact and boycott Nike, the NFL, and the Falcons until they get their heads out of their collective asses and do the right thing. I am a foster home for a beagle rescue in IL (I'm in Central IL, but we have tons of foster homes in the Chicago area), and I break into dance whenever *anyone*, let alone someone in a position to really get the message out to the public speaks against animal violence. You ROCK!

Keep it up everyone, hit Nike and the NFL and the Falcons right in the pocketbook where it will hurt the most. BTW, has everyone seen these? Love them!

http://www.zazzle.com/product/235179401079891637

[Jen]

Oh my goodness, Ups N Downs! I hadn't thought about that place in years. Shopping at the one in Woodfield (along with de rigeur stops at Units and Madigans Juniors, of course) is nicely stored in my 80s memory banks.

Re: the dog fighting, Nike, etc. That thug deserves what he has coming to him, and then some.

[Shannon]

I'm sickened by dog fighting. I cannot think of anything more disgusting. What a poor excuse of a human being this NFL player is!!! I will contact Nike and the NFL and tell them exactly what I think. Here's another link I found. Horrid!
http://blog.sportscolumn.com/story/2007/5/29/10115/8976

[Deborah]

THANK YOU for encouraging people to take action on this. I was horrified when I first heard the news, but was busy and distracted and failed to act promptly. I just sent Nike the following e-mail from the response form link you posted:

It is simply beyond comprehension that you have yet to cut ties with Michael Vick. This de facto endorsement of dog fighting -- and, by extension, dog killing -- is reprehensible.

Personally, I'm giving you one week to get a clue. If you have not cut ties with him by then, I will EMPTY MY CLOSETS & SHOE TREES -- of which I have many -- of ALL THINGS NIKE. And I will henceforth refuse to ever spend another dime on any of your merchandise, and will refuse even to enter any of your stores, ever again.

My dismay -- and utter mystification -- at your corporate policies is profound and will last for the rest of my life. I do realize that I am only one person, with a finite reach through a finite circle of friends, colleagues and acquaintances.

But I am representative of your target audience. And as such, I am enormously powerful.

P.S. The right thing, Nike? JUST DO IT.

[Linda]

Here's what I sent them...I smell a form response!

"Dear Nike, Just in time for back to school shopping! Thanks! It will be much cheaper this year because I won't have to buy any of your over priced swoosh stuff after I tell my sons what Vick has been up to. They have big mouths too, so maybe I won't have to see any of your stuff at their football games either!

Sever your relationship with him NOW and put out a statement condemning him NOW! Jeeze, I hope you aren’t paying your PR people much because they’re not doing a very good job.

And don't give me any of your "due process" BS either...it's an ad campaign, not a court of law. You can dump him in a second."

[chicksbeachbabe]

http://money.cnn.com/news/newsfeeds/articles/newstex/AFX-0013-18267819.htm

On CNN it says that Nike has suspended the release of Vick's shoes....I suppose that's a start...

[LisaCate]

Nike sucks.

And that woman in your story was a completely incompetent shopper - not someone who should be calling the kettle black.

[Heather in TX]

I have taken your link, sent my letter and then forwarded it to my entire address book and asked everyone to write their own letters to NIKE and tell them they suck. No blood money from Texas, you wankers!

Love the books! A bit of wisdom though: if you are traveling and staying in a 4 star hotel in SF, I do not recommended to read anything you write while sitting outside in front of the hotel by yourself. I tried and was very unsuccessful at giggling to myself and therefore had people passing me by giving me a 20 ft. berth and funny looks. Just a thought.

[Amy H.]

The story about your retail experience makes flames shoot out of my eyes. This is why I hate the general public.

GOD.

[Tinsley]

P.S. Just emailed Nike and am going to post this on my blog as well!

[Tinsley]

I loved the Maurices story! As for Nike, count me in on the strike. Anyone who supports supporters of such a thing is not someone I want to associate with!

[Beth]

Its disgusting. Horrifying...the things that "stars" can get away with is toe curling.

My pit girl is happily chewing the stuffing out of her bo-bo...so viscious she is...

[Deb]

Just received this...

************************************************************
PERSONAL EMAIL ALERT
- brought to you by AdAge.com
************************************************************
Nike Suspends Release of Shoe Tied to Michael Vick Football Star's Future as Endorser in Limbo After Indictment

CHICAGO (AdAge.com) -- Nike is suspending the release of a new shoe tied to Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who was indicted in relation to a dog-fighting ring earlier this week. The Nike Air Zoom Vick V football shoe was scheduled for a late August release. In a statement issued today, the marketer said: "Nike is concerned by the serious and highly disturbing allegations made against Michael Vick and we consider any cruelty to animals inhumane and abhorrent. We do believe that Michael Vick should be afforded the same due process as any citizen; therefore, we have not terminated our relationship." For the full story, see http://adage.com/article?article_id=119409 -- Jeremy Mullman

[Aimee]

The MV crap is all over the news here because he lives near where I do. I will be sending off a note to nike immediately. I hope Michael Vick not only loses his endorsements, but also his job. He is an embarrassement to our community.

[Michele V]

I got the same "due process" bullshit. And Bullshit it truly is. This fucktard needs to be banned from the NFL. You don't hurt dogs. You don't train dogs to hurt each other. Take it from the mommy of a 270 lb English Mastiff who lets a chihuahua hump him.

[KC]

You got my backing on the Nike emails...I knew I was an Adidas girl for a reason.

[Carrie]

After I received the same stock Nike response as the one posted, I boiled. So I decided to respond to the response therefore undoubtedly ruining the day of some 20-year-old intern whose daddy got her the sweetest internship EVER this summer. To wit:

Wow. Thanks for that quick response. As far as you citing "due process", perhaps take into consideration the "due process" the animals got.

Quit hiding behind his ability to fatten your wallets. Ball up. Play your man card and lose him. There are plenty of other semi-respectable athletes out there who can, for a short time, represent your brand before getting arested on a boat with hookers (see: Green Bay Packers) or juicing up (i.e. Barry Bonds) or killing people (OJ Simpson, Ray Lewis, etc.) I know this as fact, as I worked for years in the NFL. Dime a dozen, they are. Aim for one that as of yet, literally has no blood on his hands.

[AJ]

While every person is due his or her day in court, other things jackass has done in the past alone warrant Nike removing him and using one of their many many OTHER law abiding and non-asshat celebrity endorsers. I am sending my disgust email now. Poor, poor doggies.

[Lee]

I just sent my email to Nike- thanks for the link. I read that MV is saying that OF COURSE people will continue to support him and love him because after all he is Michael Vick. Disgusting.

[The Muse]

Disclaimer: I live in Atlanta. I am an NFL football fan. I am a Falcons fan. I am NOT a Vick fan (for reasons outside the alleged incidents).

I completely agree that Nike should not support Vick, should it be proved that he has had a hand in this horrible, deplorable dog-fighting ring.

However, I do acknowledge that the Nike Marketing peeps (who I can sympathise with, as I am one) are probably freaking out, and trying not to jump on too many bandwagons at once.

I will reserve judgement for possibly a few more days, as I want to see more of Nike's responses. But I do intend to send the letter, should they continue with the "nothing."

[Kim]

Jen, I worked in a bridal shop for a year and dealt with some crazy ass people, but no one that deluded! No wonder you hauled ass back to Purdue...
I also contacted Nike and I'm awaiting a response. It turns my stomach that people can so willingly and enthusiastically support this kind of cruelty. I'm on my soapbox and I'm not coming down until that asshat has to run on a treadmill chased by rabid coyotes!

[Deena]

I mean, even AirTran Airways parted ways with Vick a couple of months ago over this (and because of his behavior in the Miami airport and because he flipped off a bunch of people during a Falcons game last season). He takes stupid to an entirely new level!!

[Susie Sunshine]

Memo to Nike: KIDS LIKE DOGS AND DON'T CARE ABOUT DUE PROCESS, DUMBASSES.

Only morons who want their asses beat will be wearing Nikes at sporting events now.

[Suzy]

I c+p'd the Nike email addy to every dog lover I know and asked them to forward it.
Thanks for posting that Jen.

And OMG that store post was hilarious.

[Andie]

Ooohhh I hate that too. They had a commercial a few years back that showed fighting dogs and I hated it. Stopped with Nike ever since.

And also? For some reason your pictures don't show up for me. All I see is a blank white space.

[Monica]

Jen,

I saw this on-line. It looks like your email has worked!! Great job fighting for the cause. : )

Latest shoe drops in Vick case

By TIM TUCKER
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 07/19/07

Nike is suspending the release of a new Michael Vick shoe that had been scheduled to hit retail stores in August, the company said today.

"Nike is concerned by the serious and highly disturbing allegations made against Michael Vick, and we consider any cruelty to animals inhumane and abhorrent," Nike said in a statement provided Thursday afternoon to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

"We do believe that Michael Vick should be afforded the same due process as any citizen; therefore, we have not terminated our relationship. We have, however, made the decision to suspend the release of the Zoom Vick V [shoe] and related marketing communications.

"Nike will continue to monitor the situation closely and have no further comment at this time."

[Andrea]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD- that was the funniest shit ever. Are people in this world really that DUMB? And I totally forgot about Maurice's until I read this- that used to be my favorite store to buy acid-washed jeans *shudder* and bandanas!!!

[Rebecca]

I also wrote a nasty e-mail to Nike, I can't believe they are still endorsing him! EW!
PS love you, your books, your blog!

[SoxyLady]

I am an avid fan of you, your snark and your books. I completely support this boycott. I have posted it on my blog:
http://soxylady.blogspot.com/2007/07/boycott-nike.html

I have sent it out to my entire address book, and will also post it on my Myspace and My Facebook.

[southernfriedgirl]

I sent in my email. I hope that he gets hung by his nads.

[TXPoppet]

Here's my response:
Response (Caryn) - 07/19/2007 11:55 AM
Thank you for contacting us regarding Michael Vick.

Nike is concerned by the serious and highly disturbing allegations made against Michael Vick and we consider any cruelty to animals inhumane and abhorrent. We do believe that Michael Vick should be afforded the same due process as any citizen, therefore, we have not terminated our relationship. We have however made the decision to suspend the release of the Zoom Vick V and related marketing communications. Nike will continue to monitor the situation closely and have no further comment at this time.

We appreciate that you took the time to contact us and your feedback will be passed along to the proper department.

Sincerely,

Nike

[Nada]

I so agree with you on the whole Nike issue. The response you received was totally stupid. I found out today that Nike is going forward with the launch of their V-brand shoes. SICK! I passed your blog to all the dog owners and lovers I know.

PS. Totally love the retail story. And the pic of your puppy. Cute!

[Lisa Brown]

Not only should Nike get rid of him but so should the NFL. With the horrible things that he has done or had knowledge of and did nothing about, I don't care if he ends up begging on a street corner. I've been involved in dog fighting raids where I have had to euthanize dogs so horribly traumatized that they would cower from your touch.

Okay, okay, sorry, I'm off my soap box but I really want to put him in a ring and make him fight for his life against a whole slew of dogs.

[Molly]

OOH JEN! I've already written to the President of the Falcons, used the web form to the general organization... Next up is NIKE! I also contacted my local Pro-Pit Bull Organization (PitsAreLove.org) to give them my support.

When I read BITNB and BLBA you totally changed my perspective on Pit Bulls, and I now VOW to get one (why I get an apartment that will let me have one).

Keep fighting the good fight and show the world what a stunning example of excellence Maisy is!

[Rhi]

I live in Portland, so I shall drive by Nike and let them know. Actually, I have a friend who works there, so I'll tell her that her company is an asshat.

[Malia Campbell]

I don't normally jump on the bandwagon for boycotts like this, nor do I really care about Nike nor professional athletes, but I did feel compelled to write to Nike and to spread the word to my friends/associates as well. What a horrible man and what a sterile response from Nike to their customers! I_am_outraged.

[Italian-American Princess]

I'm with you. No Nike for me, and I'm writing to them, too.

And dammit if I didn't want a pair of those Nike Free 5.0 sneakers! Damn dog-killing thug. Hope he goes to federal pound me in the ass prison and gets pounded repeatedly.

[Jen]

I mean, for fuck's sake, people - the Daily Kos and I are actually on the same page about this issue! Check it out:

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/7/18/155425/134

Really, if this doesn't convince you to take action, what could?

(And on an unrelated note, yes, I found poop in our fitting rooms more than once.)

[TravelGretta]

I am shaking and crying, and not because it's raining. That is the funniest shopping story I've ever heard. And I once worked at the Stratford Square Limited, where someone pooped in a dressing room.

[Lisa]

What a great excuse to not go to the gym! I had to burn my Nike sneakers because I refuse to support DOG KILLERS!

Maybe I'll get myself a new pair of white Reebok high tops and some scrunch socks to replace my Nikes.....

[Ipomoea]

I heard some of the stories associated with this asshat yesterday on NPR-- I wholeheartedly support the boycott!