jennsylvania

With Apologies to Clint Eastwood

The Good:

I'll finish my manuscript by Friday and then will send it to my agent.  She'll inspect and advise and I'll spend next week making improvements with an official done date of September 10th.  (For anyone who doesn't know, it's a book about losing weight by any means possible.)  (Considering all my pants are way too big for me now, I'd say it went well.)

The Bad: 

I am in the throes of a terrible summer cold, sniffling, wheezing, and achoo-ing all over the place.

The Ugly:

I just sneezed so hard in line for coffee at the Target Starbucks that my too-big shorts unsnapped and then FELL DOWN.

Yes. 

Chew on THAT visual until I get back to posting regularly. 

(You're welcome!)

A Little Duck Told Me...

Just read on DuckyDoesTv that my BFF Veronica Mars (also known as 'Kristen Bell') has joined the cast of Heroes.

Say it with me, people... SQUEEE!

(And in book deadline news, I've got 70K+ words written so everything's humming along as it should.)

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE, OOH!

OH, HOLY SHIT, THE MOVIE THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE IS ON ENCORE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

 

WITH ANDREW DICE CLAY BEFORE HE GOT ALL OLD AND CREEPY!

AND A KOALA!

AND LAUREN HOLLY IN THE ROLE SHE'D RATHER WE NEVER, EVER MENTION AGAIN, THANKS. 

GO! 

TIVO IT! 

GO! 

RUN!!

(I cannot be held responsible if you hate it.)

(Actually, I haven't seen it in fifteen years.  It's possible I may hate it now.)

(Am willing to take that chance.)

Puts the Cat Barf into Perspective

The good news is the dogs FINALLY played a game of tug together.

The bad news is there's a reason why we have to buy new pillows every six months.

"What?  You said you wanted a good reason to go to IKEA."

I Break for Brilliance

I hate being sold to.

I don't hate buying things (obviously), but I loathe the feeling of being on the receiving end of a sales pitch.

Because I despise being pitched on what to buy, I almost never watch commercials, thanks to two heavily employed TiVos. 

Advertisers understand I'm not alone in my dislike, so they're trying different means of catching our attention such as product placement.  Often these attempts fall flat and only serve to annoy me more, e.g. Top Chef.  What are you saying, Padma?  That I should cook my Bertolli pasta in this Calphalon pan and then save the leftovers in Gladware, all of which I can purchase at Wild Oats Market after I've driven there in my RAV4?  Each week my friend Stacey and I watch Top Chef together and contemplate playing a product-placement drinking game, except neither of our livers can process that much liquor.

Honestly, I'm tired of being told I can vote for my favorite contestants via my T-Mobile phone.  I can't stand hearing the ANTM hamsters woodenly discuss how long-wearing their Cover Girl mascara is and how cute their Payless shoes are.  And if Jack Bauer mentions Cisco one more time, he will no longer be my pretend boyfriend.  I'm sick to death of being assaulted by a constant barrage of ads for shit no one needs and this is exactly why you'll never see them on this website.  (However, I do post links to purchase my books, as I consider these to be part of the "shit people do need" category.)

Anyway, all of the above reasons are exactly why I'm so freaking in love with this piece of viral advertising by Smirnoff.

I'd like to offer a hearty congratulations to your ad agency, Smirnoff, because A) I'm pimping your product for you without renumeration, B) I'm taking time away from writing my book to do so, and C) I'm still not even sure what it is.

I just know I want it.

OK, back to writing now.

(And possibly compulsively checking the Big Brother 8 message boards.)

Briefly

Overheard at the grocery store tonight:

"So I said, 'Get your clothes on, we're going to Red Lobster, bitch.'"

Two hours later, it's still funny.

FAQ Me

So it's come to this.

The dreaded auto-response.

Anyone who's emailed me in the past few days has received a form letter back saying how I love hearing from you but I'm on deadline and I don't have the bandwidth to respond to every single email personally.  I'm so sorry; it's such a douche move.  I fully appreciate the only reason I have a deadline right now is because you guys read my books and I can't thank you enough... yet the time issue remains. 

A lot of what I find in your emails are questions - about book tours, about what I'm writing next, about how my friends in NOLA are doing, about whatever happened to my rehabbing neighbor, etc.  Until I get caught up, how about we split the difference?  In the comments, feel free to ask whatever it is you've wanted to know and in a few days I'll post the answers to your most frequently asked questions.

Cool?

Until I'm back to posting more frequently, please check out the following:

Caprice - She's one of my favorite authors and now she's making short films.  Visit her MySpace page to find out more about her books or watch Passing the Time.  (Saw it yesterday and loved it!)

Jennifer C. - She's a big reason I'm on deadline right now, so stop by and say hey!

Brenda - Author of Monkey Love, one of my favorite books from last year.  Monkey Star, her new book, is out now!

Ducky - Has somehow tapped directly into my brain to cover the best TV has to offer this summer.

Jezebel -  If Gawker and The Superficial had a baby, it would be Jezebel.  And she is beautiful... without airbrushing.

Thanks!

Neither Eating Pizza Nor Learning about Cuba

I have less than a month to finish the manuscript for the third book, and with the pressure I feel at the moment, I can't fathom why anyone would want to be a writer.

But for those of you who've asked, here are some terrific resources to get you started:

Ask Allison - A friendly, open forum where you can ask anything about breaking into the freelance business and Allison won't mock you.

Miss Snark - She's not taking any new questions, but everything you'd ever need to know about the right way to seek representation is housed in her archives.  She's brutal... but she's also right.  (Check out the comments, too - they're equally invaluable.)

Pub Rants - Completely informative about the business of publishing - basically, there are tons of answers to questions you had no clue you should ask. 

Publisher's Marketplace - An excellent resource if you want to make yourself crazy seeing who just got a deal.  (Or if you want to see what kind of stuff sells so you can tailor your pitch.)  Subscription required.

Backspace - A place to reach out to thousands of other writers and learn about conferences, agents, groups, etc.  Learn, connect, and enjoy!

Preditors & Editors - A comprehensive guide of how-to and why-not.

Writer Beware - Protect yourself from those preying on your enthusiasm and naivety.

GalleyCat - Fun, gossipy, informative!  Sign up for their daily media newsfeed to find out up-to-the-minute happenings in media and publishing.  Plus these newsletters advertise tons of terrific courses, e.g. how to write a chick lit novel and pitching a women's magazine.

What's great is each of these websites link to a ton of other helpful/informative sites.

I'd also suggest you peruse your local Barnes & Noble because they have an entire section aggregating the above content.  Any of their books will contain the basics, such as the difference between a novel and a memoir and how to not only perfect your pitch but to insure you're pitching the right person.

Or, you know, you could just decide to do no research whatsoever and email me - a complete stranger - repeatedly, ignoring the fact I'm on deadline, and demanding I help you since you read my book. 

But then I'll show up at your house on prom night and force you to discuss U.S. History. 

The Supercilious

Following please find the random thoughts I had driving home from the gym a little while ago, windows open and AC blasting in a bid not to barf.  (I'm healthy - I just had my ass kicked by my trainer today.)

* In the area around Elston and Milwaukee Avenues, there are dozens of full color signs up about a lost pet.  Obviously posting these notices shows how much the people cherish their lost family member and I feel for them; really, I do, and I hope the pet makes his way back safely.  However, the animal in question is a parakeet.  I'm not sure he's "lost" so much as he simply "left." 

*  I was behind a guy in a brand new convertible Mercedes today with a vanity plate reading ALL MINE.  Um... dude?  Showing a modicum of humility or self awareness can make the difference between being a happy motorist and being the guy whose car gets keyed every day.  Perhaps when it's time to renew your plates, you'll opt for a more benign VRY GNROUS or U LK PRTY or TNY UNIT.  Just a thought. 

*  I'm completely loving having access to the community pool although I'm also aggravated at myself.  I've lived within two miles of it for the past ten years and I never went there before this week.  The water is really nice and the whole scene is way less Caddy Day at Bushwood than I thought.  (Or, at least somewhat.)  I'm hoping the pool staff is better at preserving life than they are at preserving order, though.  At some point I assumed the lifeguards would stop the fourteen year olds from trying to drown each other, but not so much.  Am sorely tempted to bring a whistle and start beaching the troublemakers myself. 

OK, am less queasy finally, so I'm going back to work.

Or possibly the pool. 

My Love, Let Me Share It

Yesterday I got tagged by the enormously talented Allison Winn Scotch and I've been tasked to name the bloggers who "when you reflect on them, you get a sense of pride and joy... of knowing them and being blessed by them."  Instead of arguing with her that my posts are normally filled with profanity, mockery, and puerile humor, I'm just going to accept the compliment and play along because she's someone I really respect.

This would be a lot easier to accomplish if I'd update my links list already - I could cut and paste and be done before you know it because I dig everyone on my computer's bookmarks list.  Then I could spend the rest of this entry describing all the tattoos I saw at the public pool yesterday or why I'm completely obsessed with Big Brother 8.  (Alas, I'm not that organized.)  (Nor do I have that kind of time.)  (And Jameka, how is exclaiming, 'God is gangsta!' not totally blasphemous?)

I could direct you to the five blogs I refresh seventeen times a day, specifically those belonging to Susie, Martha, Amy, Quinn, and Melissa, but I've recommended each of them more times than I can remember and at this point I suspect you guys are all, "Yeah, we KNOW they rock, alright?"  Or I could send you to the various LOLcat, celebrity gossip, and Big Brother update sites I read, except these are less "inspiring" and more "capable of sucking away an entire afternoon."

So, I'm tagging some of the ladies I met when I crashed the BlogHer cocktail reception this weekend.  Not only do these gals inspire the whole pride/joy/blessing business, but they're damn fun, particularly after swimming in a vat of gin.

The Cheeky Lotus - Team Mamapop represents!  Lena didn't even flinch when my opening line to her was, "What the fuck is going on with your house?"  See?  That's what happens when your writing is engaging to the point I can't wait to read what's next.  (It's also why you shouldn't leave me hanging on whether or not your home sold when you leave for the weekend to attend a blogging conference.)  I read all her blogs religiously and recommend you do the same.  I promise you won't be sorry.   

Joy Unexpected - I've been following Yvonne for years because I love her humor and her honesty.  She's even more delightful (and cute!) in person than she is online.  This is neatly evidenced by the fact she smiled the whole time I was shoving her and shouting "Shut up!" - my standard vehicle of enthusiastic expression after two drinks - never once reminding me she has a neck injury.  Also, she throws a damn fine party... cheeseburgers?  Genius. 

Suburban Turmoil - Friendly to the extent that I almost didn't hate her for being so lovely.  (Almost.)  Then she opened her mouth and was all clever and articulate, thus making the hate impossible.  Her blog makes me feel smarter for having read it and now I wish I hadn't officially boycotted BlogHer so we could have spent more time together. 

Mommy Needs Coffee -  You'd think I'd run from any sort of blog with "Mommy" in the title, wouldn't you?  But there's a huge difference between "Mommybloggers" and mothers with blogs and Jenn's an excellent example of the latter.  We totally clicked upon meeting and now she and I have Something Planned once I finish my manuscript - details to come when we get closer to that point. 

No Pasa Nada -  Claims to have accosted me about my political affiliations, of which I have no recollection.  I only remember smiling, laughing, and admiring her truly magnificent hair.  Regardless, her blog is fantastic and so worth reading.  But she makes me wonder - with this kind of self-awareness and wit at 23, how much more is she going to be able to have accomplished by the time she's my age?  Oh, yeah, she'll probably be running the country - maybe that's why she wanted to know how I vote?

Again, this is only a partial list of the inspiring folks I talked to on Saturday.  Honestly, I met so many funny, interesting people that I regret having crashed the party in a shirt with wine stains on it.

I've got to crank out some pages now since I played hooky at the pool yesterday.  I won't be blogging for a few days while I catch up, so please use use the comments section to discuss the blogs/bloggers you dig the most. 

(Or name the best Big Brother update sites - 'cause I'm down for that, too.)