Grab a Pen, I'm Giving Advice

First - since the bulk of the emails I've received from my last post are of the "No, seriously, this time it's not you who is the asshole," variety, I'm opening up comments.  Do not make me regret it. 

Speaking of mail, I've gotten a ton of notes lately from people in their early 20's seeking advice on how to get away from their oppressive corporate jobs and do something fun, meaningful, creative, and, of course, lucrative. 

Kids?  Here's my advice for you. 

PAY YOUR FUCKING DUES. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand how awful it feels being at the bottom of the corporate totem pole.  Going from the college world of sleeping 'til 2:00 PM and wearing pajamas to class to waking your ass up at 5:30 AM to get on the train to catch the bus to then catch the second bus (because you're too broke to cab it) to then walk six blocks in uncomfortable shoes in order to get to a soul-sucking job where they talk to you like you're a slowpoke is no one's idea of a good time. 

Not only does every shit alphabetizing and stapling project land in your in-box, but you're the one most likely to be volunteered to clean hairy food out of the shared refrigerator.  It's you who has to take over the reception desk for Margie, the union employee who makes twice what you do, when she has a doctor's appointment.  No one listens to your ideas and if you dare to complain, the old-timers will cock their eyebrows and tell you, "Kid, you don't know how easy you have it," before launching into an esoteric, protracted tale having something to do with Life Before the Fax Machine.  (Which is bullshit because at least they used to get to have cocktails at lunch.)  ('Cause it's barely considered work if you get to be drunk while you're doing it.)  (Plus, they could smoke at their desks without it being considered a hate crime.)

Doing an entry level job is a lot like the hazing you receive as a pledge, except your superiors don't even do beer bongs with you afterward.  But here's the thing - you HAVE to go through this in order to figure out where you want to be next.  The mere fact you're asking me how to extricate yourselves from this situation tells me you have not suffered enough. 

Trust me, when you reach your breaking point, your next move will be crystal clear.  And maybe that will be off the corporate ladder.  Maybe it will be up.  Maybe it will be around.  But no one's going to know how you should proceed but you.

(Related story?  Fletch had his existential, angst-y, I-can't-stand-corporate-America moment about eleven years ago and he quit his entry level position administering employee benefits, opting to work as a bartender/bouncer.  Sure, he got to sleep 'til 2:00 PM again but he also had to wrestle both homeless guys who were peeing on the plate glass window of the bar and his bosses who were not only coked out of their minds but also heavily armed.  Two months into his tenure, the idea of health insurance, paid vacation, and wearing a tie to work were a lot less offensive.)

* * * * *

Anyway, I'm really, really going back to my edits now.  'Til I'm done (or sufficiently angry again) please visit Jess Riley's blog.  I'm reading an advance copy of her novel Riding with Larry Resnick coming out next summer and have to say there's something terribly, magnificently wrong with this girl.  I apologize for getting you psyched for a book that won't be out for another year, but she may well be my new favorite writer.  Also, the word you WILL steal from her is "shittacular."  (Please remember to give proper credit.)

Finally, since some of your notes specifically asked for recommendations, check out the following stuff I completely dig and in no way am being compensated for:

Monogram Marketplace - They sell the cutest Preppy t-shirts to ever exist.  Skulls, crossbones, and monograms?  Oh, HELL YES.

Philip B. - Ridiculously expensive beauty products I purchased solely because they were on the super-slash-extra-biggie markdown table at Ulta 3.  Am in serious trouble when I run out of all the sale priced bottles of White Truffle Oil shampoo I grabbed.  A black tar heroin addiction would be cheaper, yet the draw of soft, shiny, non-flammable colored hair is strong.  Also, the Nordic Wood product is like washing yourself with Christmas.  I'd give it two big holiday thumbs up except I'm driving myself crazy by inadvertently singing Norwegian Wood in the shower every time I use it, so it only gets one and a half thumbs.

Shoes, Betches - Not sure if the leopard style is only available online, but that's where I ordered mine.  They are 10,000 times cuter in 3D and fairly comfortable, too.  Be sure to page through Target's selection of heeled Mary Janes.  They aren't a perfect Manolo knock-off, but they are $535 cheaper and that has to count for something.

Back to work now... for ALL of us. 

P.S.  Twenty-somethings?  Keep at it and the uncomfortable shoes you're wearing to work could be the Manolos.

P.P.S.  I just found these!  You could pay $630 more for the little bow on the Manolo version.  And if you have this kind of cash to throw around, perhaps you'd also like to help me pay off one of my lower-balance credit cards.

   

Comments

[the governor of jennsylvania]

OK, we are NOT going to attack each other over typos around here. Comments closed.

[Monogram Momma]

Dearest Jen, the truly fairest of the all,
You? Totally rock.

[Rebecca]

Damn! I meant to say, "was not expecting some jackass with nothing better to do than put others down to come along..."

Ok maybe he had a point. Lol. However, I do actually have decent grammar. Most of the time.

[Rebecca]

A response to my last posting:

"Really? You hope they DOESN'T ruin it? Worse than the bad work ethic among my peers is the BAD GRAMMAR!!! I can not stand it. Where did you people go to school?"

Geeze I did not realize my posting was going to be edited for grammar. I was typing quickly and wasn't expected some jackass with nothing better to do than put others down was going to come along and use my one mistake to generalize me as an idiot. I went to a very good school and graduated with honors, thank you. So get a dang life.

[JessR]

Jen, you are my hero. I honestly can't even believe you fielded a request like that. A NON-JOKE request like that.

I can't even wrap my head around such entitlement complexes. Truly, this young woman's actions have achieved shittacular status.

(And can I just say I'm swooning a little to hear you like my book?! Thank you SO MUCH for reading it.)

[Heather B.]

Being a 20 something is like one giant, never ending shit sandwich that has no hopes of ending until every person in the building over the age of 40 remind you of how incredibly inadequate/dumb/fucking annoyingly chipper you are.

In two words: Sucks ass.

[BoredOnASunday]

From a post near the bottom:

"God I am so ashamed to say that I am a young 20something. I really hope that the lazy, selfish, and immature 20somethings that everyone is talking about doesn't ruin it for the rest of us."

Really? You hope they DOESN'T ruin it? Worse than the bad work ethic among my peers is the BAD GRAMMAR!!! I can not stand it. Where did you people go to school?

Anyway, Jen, you are fabulous - be it in shoes from Target OR shoes from Blahnik - and I can't wait for your next book. "Assclapper" is one of my new favorite words!

[Rebecca]

God I am so ashamed to say that I am a young 20something. I really hope that the lazy, selfish, and immature 20somethings that everyone is talking about doesn't ruin it for the rest of us. There are actually a lot of people my age willing to work their asses off to get where they want to be and do not mind starting at the bottom. However, if I do ever feel like complaining about my current position I will remember this blog and keep my mouth shut. lol. Thanks Jen!

[jodi]

I bought those Target shoes 2 weeks ago and effin love them! I'm 38...I work at a job that pays me to do not so much...it is a pain, but so is living in a box in the street...And...here is a tip...if you never want to make coffee again, fuck it up the first 3 times you make it...no one asks you after that.

[Karina in T.O]

Paying your dues huh?? I'm currently working as an Admin in the PR Department of a major bank. I'm 32, and everytime I step into the 'copy room' I feel like Jane Fonda in 9 to 5, just trying to win the war with the copier (I'll show you a jam!!)....and if I put up one more f'ing sign in the kitchen asking people not to behave like a bunch of animals at the zoo (WTF? How did this get on the wall...is it even food?)...which reminds me, I better get mentally prepared now for the inevitable furry fridge cleanup I'm sure to do next week.

....The only good thing about sometimes being a grunt, though? Having a boss who doesn't treat you like one. And in some cases thats worth all the furry fridge cleanups, and silly requests from goofy co-workers....No, you can't have different pencil leads, yes, I'm sure this is all I can get you, and yes, I'm sure these will be to your satisfaction.

I know because I've paid my dues in environments where you wonder how the boss manages to find a parking space for her broom, and you walk by cubicles only to hear the sounds of colleagues weeping and phones smashing off their cradles!! Oh gee, is it Monday Morning Meeting time already? Why yes Cruella, let me prove to you why you should keep me employeed this week...yes Ms Helmsley I'm sure I met my sales targets for the month....

And because of that I'm more than willing to suck it up now, and make some copies and get some coffee....even crap tasks are less soul-sucking if you're surrounded by people who are good (I promise!), and not complete mean spirited, stuckup, passive agressive wanksticks!

One of my girlfriends described her shit job in Corporate-land best...."These people are murdering my soul". Now that....that is paying your dues!...and needless to say, she's got a much sweeter gig now.

I like to call it CORPORATE KARMA. It will all come to you....and it will all come to your crap bosses too, they'll get what they deserve as well.

[DodiM]

What I don't get is why she asked you to pay off a LOW balance credit card. If your're going to throw your balls to the wall don't be half hearted about it! Ask for the HIGH balance payoff. Answer is the same (O Hell No)... but at least she could be more proud of her courage.

LOVED your response, btw.

[Emily]

PS: I work at least 70 hours/week, so a very polite "f you" to all those who say that twentysomethings have no work ethic. Gross generalizations and stereotypes benefit no one and are harmful, insulting, condescending, and pointless. Please think before you type.

[Emily]

To LisaN: If you think teaching makes you "utterly fucked", you are in the WRONG profession.
To all twentysomethings out there looking for a meaningful and creative career: teachforamerica.org.
Don't want to grunt your way up the corporate ladder? Work for children instead. I am a twentysomething who loves, loves, loves my students, and I get the chance to change lives every day. I can't ask for much more than that. Oh, and also, I do this little thing called "trying to close the achievement gap between wealthy students and students living in generational poverty". Check out the website for 5 minutes: it can change your life.

[Jan]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I battle the youngsters everyday with their sense of entitlement since I decided to stay working in a college town. Unfortunately we rely on the college kids for certain type of employment, and their work ethic is appalling. I hope all of us parents out there are whipping the next generation's asses back into shape by instilling some great values as well as manners in them.

[Kim]

Jen, I (seriously) hope you didn't, for one freaking second, doubt that the wibitch didn't have your wrath coming to her over the credit card payment request. I paid my own way through college, am raising a daughter on my own, and have a job where the men get paid top dollar for watching me do their damn job and mine. I am, at 43, finally getting a little respect for my efforts: I now make half as much as the men do as opposed to one third.
So hey kid with the entitlement issue: peel me a fuggin' grape and pay your dues.

[Pam]

The above comment is mine, I don't know why it isn't under my name.

[Pam]

I enjoy your say it as it is attitude. Just want to comment on the picture you posted a few days back. Does anyone else think she looks like Tiger Woods with a blond wig on?
Write on!
Pam

[iamlandlocked]

Forgot to say, "Rock on, Jen!" Can't wait for the new book. I cried when I finished both of last two, since I no longer had a reason to call in sick to work!

Oh, and I also worked as the receptionist for a chiropractor, but I can't remember a single thing about it, except that I had a spectacular pair of silver penny loafers at the time.

If I already own two pairs of mary janes (one in brown, one in black, natch), would it be too much to own a third pair? I mean, I am going to Target. I wonder if they come in a nice dark red...

[iamlandlocked]

Okay, I'm 46, so I've been paying my dues for a while now, and I'd just like to know when I can stop. Seriously.

Let's see, I've: taken movie tickets; cleaned dressing rooms (how are people so comfortable farting outside the comfort of their own bathrooms?); made blackboard erasers; inventoried books in a warehouse (not so horrible--got a few freebies and could drink as much Tab as I wanted); tutored English (in Chicago, so if you meet a lot of ESL folks with a ridiculous overuse of the word "seriously," you'll know who's to blame); been a nanny (word of advice: sitting upon children is frowned on when they're not yours, but great practice for when you have your own); operated a switchboard; filed 8-digit receipts in numerical order (8 digits! seriously!); marketed architectural services; as a Vaganova-trained dancer, taught toe, tap and fire baton to disinterested, unruly, and totally uncoordinated farm children; served as publicity director for a symphony orchestra (and was fired when the managing director took $40,000 out of the endowment fund to pay for a guest artist that the board determined was too expensive); raised money for the ballet; served as the office manager for a business owned by a husband and wife (who thought my duties included cleaning out boxes of crap from that black hole of dust balls, broken children's toys, and candy wrappers also known as their bedroom); assisted the administrator of a children's theater company (while she was going through her coke snorting acrimonious divorce embezzling money from the company to pay for the coke to get over the divorce phase); worked as an EMT; taught CPR and first aid; shaved thousands of chests (mostly men) as an EKG tech; and schlepped pharmaceuticals.

This, youngsters, is what we mean by "paying your dues." My God, when will it end?! Since I'm sure there is a book (or five) in here somewhere, I've decided to use my powers for good, and work towards becoming the George Plimpton of the distaff side. I am working desperately (okay, maybe not desperately, since I do take time every day to watch "General Hospital," and I think you could take 2 of my 3 dogs before I would miss an episode of "Curb") to get my blog up and running, which will help gelify (it is too a word) my first novel.

Wish me luck. I'm off to brave the mine fields of dog poop in the backyard, then it's cleaning toilets, emptying the fridge, a Target run, vacuuming dog hair tumbleweeds, and baking a pie. In my spare 6 seconds, I might get a page or two written, in which case I have promised myself an end-of-the-season mojito as a reward. Cheers!

[Nicole]

That's quite forward of her. What's up with that sense of entitlement? I don't expect anyone else to pay my dues for me, whenever they occur in life.

Although, I'd take a free copy of BLBA, read it and then share it. :)

[New Diva on the Blog]

Is it wrong that it makes me feel old that I now have the authority to tell a 20something to "pay their fucking dues" since I am 30something?

Thanks for the shoe recommendations--I do love me some shoes!

[AJMICK]

"Pay your fucking dues"

Amen Sistah!

[Aimee]

OK...I was really confused for a minute there. I read this most recent blog PRIOR to reading the one previous to this. So when I read the one about Kelly asking you the most absurd thing I've ever encountered, at first I thought...didn't Jen just ask the same thing in her last blog? Well, yes...you did...and even before I read the one about Kelly I thought you were just beind sarcastic and didn't think you really expected someone to pay off your CC. But then I realized (aha! moment) that you WERE being sarcastic...but in reference to the Kelly blog. So...I was going to try to defend Kelly saying that perhaps she was just trying to be witty with her pay off my CC remarks...just like you were. But since that's not possible (are you totally confused yet?) I now have to say THE NERVE OF HER!!!! What the heck is wrong with people?!

[Moira]

Target shoes rock - I just bought these: http://www.target.com/Xhilaration-Susanna-Suede-Wedges-Brown/dp/B000PIJE7M/ref=br_1_11/602-9622304-5757456?ie=UTF8&frombrowse=1

[Traci]

Dagnabit, my comment from earlier didn't post! Anyway :) I'm one of those twenty-somethings, and I have to say, any trace of entitlement disappeared during my first PR internship. I like to think of my PR years as the Godawful Hazing my wonderful sorority sisters never gave me. Luckily, my mom and dad made damn well sure I knew that I had to pay my dues before I could even think about getting to the top - I feel very sorry for some of my peers.

[TheOtherJen]

Yeah, who wouldn't want "fun, meaningful, creative, and, of course, lucrative." in a paying gig? What these kids from Generation Entitlement don't realize is, work is not necessarily supposed to be fun. Sometimes you MIGHT find a job where that's a nice perk, but it's not what you get hired for. Unless you're say...a clown. Or work in at Disney World. You have fun after work, dummy. That's called "going out & drinking" or hell, staying home & drinking - it's way cheaper that way, and no pesky DUI.

You are the funniest broad on the internet. I love how you call people out on their acts of general assholery. And I truly hope that the chick that asked you for cash used her real name. I will always and forever look at every Kelly with suspicion and wonder if she's the one. Keep up the good work!

[Thessalonika]

Hey Jen,

Just finished BLBA during my recovery from pneumonia. It's not easy to laugh when every part of my body hurts. But it sure made the last few days go by faster!

Thanks for the blog entry today. I'm about to graduate and can't fathom filing papers for a year until I get to do some "real" work! Argh! But you're right.

And that being said, I'm really (selfishly) happy at the turn of events that led you to where you are now, writing the books I love reading, and dishing out advice no one will give me. I can't get my day started sometimes without my daily Jen!

[Jaye]

Thank you for that. As someone who's subjected to 20-something's day in and day out, it's nice to hear it echoed elsewhere.

To these kids* and their entitlement...It took me 10 solid years of shit work to get where I am today. And I'll be damned if I'm giving you a free ride, so STFU and get back to cleaning my old lunch from the fridge you little shits.

*for all of the bad ones, I've met some great ones too.

[Carrie]

"No one listens to your ideas and if you dare to complain, the old-timers will cock their eyebrows and tell you, "Kid, you don't know how easy you have it," before launching into an esoteric, protracted tale having something to do with Life Before the Fax Machine. "

See, thing of it is, my boss who THANKFULLY is out of town a LOT has a full assortment of liquor stashed in his office.

I consider the fact that in the 2 1/2 years of my tenure at what I now refer to as 'Geriatric Resources' that I have not gone on a bender whilst at work quite the accomplishment!

Then again, if I was WASTED at work, while tending to the 'what the Effing heck? These crickets to feed the critters in boss's tank are WAY to big' issues and the non-stop request from other geriatric execs as to 'WHY? WHYYYY haven't the physical phone books we ordered arrived??? HOW can we call anyone???' (hello, Internet, say what?...

I might stop rolling my eyes quite so often while I continue my search to find the job that one day I will actually look forward to waking up for. :)

[Jo]

I think you just found your next book topic. ;)

[Italian-American Princess]

What is it with these dumb kids that don't realize they need to actually prove themselves before they get to do the fun stuff? Shit, I've been out of college for seven years and I JUST NOW am out of the hairy-fridge-cleaning, scapegoated kid stage at work.

[Carol]

Aren't the shoes in the pps your wedding shoes? You are so ahead of the curve...

[Sarah]

I agree with you like...er...80% (and hope to God that girl was joking about the credit card thing), but firmly believe that it is much easier to pay your dues at a shitty entry-level job when you are in Chicago or some other decent locale. I manned reception, cleaned fridges, made endless copies, ordered office supplies for 78,000 people who all wanted a different pen thickness, filed like no one's ever filed, you name it.

It was tolerable (almost pleasant at times) when I could have lunch at Iberico or wander around Fields or walk to the lake. It was even more tolerable watching the clock and counting the minutes left knowing you had an endless buffet of cool things to do after work without even having to travel anywhere. I was promoted three times, and was still more or less a cubicle monkey (isn't everyone?), only I made more money doing it. I even made it up to the 26th floor with a view of the lake on two sides and the skyline on a third.

Then my husband got a job in the burbs. Of Detroit. I'm now in nursing school. I'd rather wipe asses.

[Cndypnts7]

OMG your fucking hilarious! Keep the blog's coming it keeps me going in my grueling entry level job. :)

[Laura]

I'm almost 40 and paid my dues so blah blah blah.

I LOVE the shoes!! These are cute too:
http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod24950147&parentId=cat215406&masterId=cat50001&index=1&cmCat=cat000000cat200648cat203100cat261003cat50001cat215406

:)

[Katie]

Oh, how I love your attitude...And seriously, I get every point youre making. I feel 'em all right along with you. But as a 20-something who is exhausted, I have to stick up for us for a minute.

I'm 23 years old. I've worked a legal job since my birthday, age 16. Before that I worked illegally from age 7. And Im not talking running a lemonade stand here. Ive put myself through school, every loan in my name, purchased all my own piece-of-shit vehicles and paid every single bill (down to the food I ate) since I got that first legal job at 16.

You'd think I'd be doing pretty well by now...or at least be financially stable...but I'm not. I have huge (and by huge, I mean makes me want to vomit when I think about it) credit card debt. How does this happen you ask? Life happens. Parents drop out of the picture, and siblings still need care...Teeth break (and almost kill some people *ahem* by creating poison when they become infected) and dentists cost a fucking fortune. There's tons of things that occur.

Im not looking for a handout. Most of the time, Im the one providing one to all of my "Im-sooo-poor" friends. But do I understand that sometimes there's 20-somethings that need life to go their way, too. Some of us don't think we're "owed" anything, but feel like, "Goddamn, can I catch a break?" So while I think your handout seeker is a moron for asking for money, I dont think its because she's young that she's a moron, I think its because she's spoiled. She expected a positive reaction, probably because she's gotten it before.

However, Ive seen just as many people like this who are 55 as there are those who are 25. Entitlement ain't always about age. Most people's asshole-ish sense of "I deserve" is about who they are or how they are raised more than how old they are. If I learned nothing in 7 years of retail, its that a self-important snob kid most likely belongs to a self-important snob parent...and age doesn't change much.

Alright, if you read this, then you're really not doing enough edits, because I know Im not that interesting. But please, dont think that all 20-somethings are like this idiot, and I hope you can believe that just because some of us 20-somethings are exhausted by life, it's not because we dont deserve to be. Some people's crappy moments which extend over a lifetime are condensed into another person first 20...with only more to come (yay!)

Oh, and I don't need you to pay off any of my low-balance credit cards, but I do have this transmission problem....

:)

[Suzy Q]

Could you please shut the fuck UP about the Philip B products? I am addicted to the Nordic Wood and eye the last 3 bottles on the clearance shelf at Ulta every week, hoping they'll reduce the price even more. That shit is expensive, even with the "clearance" price. $25 fucking dollars a bottle is not cheap!

[stella]

Your emailing with people? In the words of Ms. Piggy - Hmph!

[kimbly]

Those four little words..."Pay your fucking dues"...echo round this house all the time, as in me to my 19 year old son. (I gave up long ago attempting not to swear around my child; when he was about 13 he said he'd appreciate it if I didn't swear so much. I told him that I could either drop f-bombs like a longshoreman to express my anger/frustration/utter confusion at his ADHD behavior, or I could beat the crap out of him. Needless to say, he chose the former. There goes my mother of the year award.) Another favorite is "Earn your bones!" He complains about every job he's had, which is exactly three. Though I love him dearly, he is a perfect example of the "Entitlement Generation" who think the world owes them the perfect job, the perfect house...the perfect life. As Cher said to Nicolas Cage in "Moonstruck", SNAP OUT OF IT!(And now, if you're one of those entitlement kids, slap yourself hard across the face.)

They also have no effing clue how hard it is write for a living (though your deliciously whiny posts about deadlines and edits are helpful) or the fact that having a book or two published does not make you a millionaire. Not even close.
Stay on 'em, Jen, they need to know what it's really like to be grown up. (They don't need to know that includes being a gin-swilling, snark wielding, aging prepster with a knack for sarcasm and a love for all things pop culture...such as moi!)

[carrotpenis]

I can still remember when I was the entry level pledge but now am quickly becoming the older wiser hazer. I am willing to bang down a drink afterwards though. In fact it's 3:55pm and I hear a Maker's calling now. Gather round pledges. Have a good weekend.

[McGillicuddyMB]

"Not only does every shit alphabetizing and stapling project land in your in-box, but you're the one most likely to be volunteered to clean hairy food out of the shared refrigerator."

STORY OF MY LIFE! I'm two years in to my dues... with visions of sugar-plum coated promotions dancing in my dreams. Proud to say, I'm one of the few 20-somethings who gets it.

[jeskuh]

i think you had every right to speak your mind and state your opinion about being asked for money. i mean, balls to kelly for asking, but she shouldn't expect you to actually DO that. she should be an adult and do that herself, like many MANY other people have done before her.

keep up the delightfully hilarious work. love it!

[Suzy]

Jess Riley is truly a gifted writer, the kind you read and say to yourself, "Why did I think I could write?"

I hope it's a big hit for her so I will have a real reason to kill myself and not the usual reason which is, "God, why do I have to take a shower? I just took one last week. Life SUCKS."

[Sean]

When I become a millionaire and I buy some really big company, I am totally hiring you to be my CBO (Chief Bitchy Officer). You're only job is going to be to sit around my office with me while we drink fruity drinks and talk smack about all the people in the office.

[Blonde Chick]

I agree wholeheartedly! No one gets a free ride in this world...a get out of jail free card, so to speak.

Let's all be miserable together!

[LisaN]

Keep at it unless you're a teacher. In which case you're fucked, utterly & thoroughly. Yay!

[Susan]

Thank you for the blog link! "I left our interaction feeling that I had just spent an hour with a creature that crawled from a pore on Satan’s butt." hahahahahaha. Sigh. I feel that way about a lot of people.