The Audacity of Audacity

I'm knee-deep in re-writes at the moment and I hadn't planned on blogging while I'm working because during the editing process, my focus is way more intense than the first draft stage.  (Which, you may recall, I cried so much about for most of the summer.) 

Writing is all about ideas and general concepts in the initial manuscript process.  In editing, I go line by line to make sure it's as on-point as I can get it, adding not only my own corrections and improvements but also those from my editor.  (This is where I take out all the egregious ums, OKs, reallys, and seriouslys, because, um, OK, really, seriously, sometimes I need to open a Thesaurus.) 

The upside is the editing process quite appeals to my inner perfectionist.  The downside is until I'm done and present a manuscript with proper organization and fully fleshed-out ideas, I don't get paid. 

And, um... OK?  Really?  Seriously? 

Getting paid is the whole damn point of why I write. 

Professionally, I've done contract negotiations and fetched coffee and juggled spreadsheets and sat in three-hour meetings discussing amorphous mission statements, and far and away writing is the most satisfying way I've found to cover my rent.

I love what I do and I don't mean to sound like a mercenary.  Were I so concerned about garnering a paycheck, this site would be covered in text links, graphics, and pop-ups.  As you can see, there are no ads on this page.  I don't collect marketing data from visitors, even though you guys are one hell of a demographic.  And I politely decline any gifts or free samples from vendors and businesses in exchange for a mention.  If I say I like something on here, it's because I like it.  Period.  (Don't misunderstand me - there's NOTHING wrong with making money off your blog, because, yay, capitalism!  Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.  This is simply not a choice I've made.) 

Because I feel extraordinarily fortunate to be doing this job, I've not pounced on every opportunity to generate revenue.  I'm so appreciative people enjoy my work and that's why I've paid a designer and a hosting company to provide this improved forum with no obligations to the readers.  My gratitude is why I do stuff like travel to book clubs and cover any incidental expenses such as parking.  Gratitude is why I don't require a speaking fee.  Because I'm thankful, as often as possible I donate whatever I can in terms of time, books, or cash when queried by charities. 

Sometimes people want me to send a note to a friend who's lost their job or to check out their daughter's website and I'm touched be be held in the kind of esteem where what I might offer or say matters.  I can't do everything I'm asked, but I try so damn hard, often to my own financial detriment.

And that's why my head exploded when I read this paragraph at the end of what had been a lovely, chatty, very personal email from a gal named Kelly:

"If you are successful at [writing books], I don't want much in return.  However, helping me pay off one of my lower balance credit cards would be really, really helpful as I had to move in with my nagging but loving mother."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I've been stewing over this for the past two days to the extent I had to stop the editing I was doing to properly address my roiling anger.   

Just so we're clear, Kelly, I'm happy to pay off your credit cards as soon as I finish taking care of the following items in my own life:

*  The $40,000 Fletch and I still owe the Department of Education for our student loans

*  The $20,000 outstanding on our car notes to get them paid in full

*  Finishing cleaning up the remaining $3000 dollars on our credit report we still owe from old collections back when we were unemployed and NOT living for free with my mother so we can can get a fucking mortgage and start building some equity instead of flushing $24,000/year down the toilet on rent

*  Oh, and maybe $50,000 for a down-payment on the as-yet mythical starter house which will probably be so far out in the western burbs it will be in Iowa and may or may not contain indoor plumbing (again, if we can even GET a mortgage, let alone one with an interest rate that isn't considered usury)

*  The $1000 on my own credit cards

*  The $2500 it will take to get my cat the oral surgery he requires so his breath stops smelling like hot garbage water

*  The hundreds and hundreds of dollars we spend monthly on silly stuff like gas, electric, insurance, groceries, dry cleaning, and all those other accouterments that go hand in hand with living indoors and wearing pants

*  And maybe, just maybe whatever cash it would take to purchase a plane ticket and pay for a hotel and some sunscreen so I can go on vacation for the first time in five years

I cannot get past the audacity of this request.  I just do not comprehend the sense of entitlement here.  You like my books, ergo I should give you a handful of money for having said so?  Are you talking about those funds Fletch and I have both worked our asses off for the past five years?  And for which we made ten billion sacrifices in order to get to a place where we have the above liabilities but aren't cowering in the dark, shaking in financial impotence at impending doom?  Is this the account from which you'd like me to cut that check?  Or should I get it from my savings account?  (Which might be rough because it only contains $7.) 

People always say, "It doesn't hurt to ask!"  But in this case, it DOES hurt to ask because Kelly's having done so makes me way less enthusiastic to honor any other request I get.

And now, um, OK?  Really?  Seriously?  I've stated my point and I need to get back to work so I can get paid.

Because I have hot garbage water breath to fix.

Comments

[Mickie]

This is what happens when "savekaren" is successful and on the TV for too long. People get soooo confused about who owes them what. I HATE the people that bail these girls out, and let the cycle continue!!! Where is Kelly's work ethic?!? I'd even respect,

"Dear Ms. Jen, please advise me on the publishing market, as I need to do work OF MY OWN to rebuild my life, and you are a glowing inspiration. Thanks, Kelly"

In fact, change "Kelly" to "Ms. Mickie" and answer if you get the chance... ; )

[jenny gardiner]

Okay, first of all, I have been MEANING to get to your site ever since I picked up a copy of Bitter is the New Black--I jotted your website down on a grocery list and stuffed it in my purse and there it languished forever, until...my blog mate Jess Riley sent me over here checking out her fab mention and then I was having so much fun reading your blog I got down to the thing about some strange effing chick asking you for money and I so can't believe someone would have the incredible audacity (not to mention cojones) to do that, it leaves me nearly speechless. Well, I am seldom speechless, but it leaves me breathless, how about that?
What is WRONG with people?????
So, are you lending out money? Just joking ;-)

[Petit Mal]

Ha! Tell Kelly to post an ad in Erotic Services like the rest of us do when times get rough.

[Karina in T.O]

My first thought after reading your post was 'OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!' But alas, the dorkstick did......as I have learned the hard way there are always those who love to sponge off of others, whether they be friends, relatives or complete strangers. The saddest thing is really that Kelly thinks that mooching off anyone she's 'nice' to is normal, asking never hurts?? Oh yes it does....when you think you're entitled to what someone else has....f'ing wanker! Needless to say Jen, she'll be smart enough not to send you any more e-mails asking for anything (hopefully).

Althought with her sense of entitlement the wankjob may thing she's deserving of an apology....HELL NO!!

Keep strong Jen!

P.S While I loved the pic of Loki with the Crock I have to agree with Caroline....those things are fugly! Please tell me you only wear them in the garden or while taking the dogs for a walk....its a fashion sin to own those. Lacoste would be mortified!

[eowyn_2]

Yeah, I thought she (Kelly) was joking too.

But seeing Jen go off is way more interesting than a lame joke. Cuz I'm teaching college right now and want to shake these lazy entitled brats until either the rocks fall out of their head or the apron strings break. Or both.

Cuz Jen, honey, I feel ya.

[Tippy]

Shame on Kelly for thinking that because she wrote you a glowing email you would help pay off her debts. But like someone above said, you never know until you ask. I know a woman that wanted to get plastic surgery (tummy tuck) and decided to have her blog readers pay for it. Amazingly a number of people helped finance the surgery. By the way...I love your blog and your books. Can't wait for you to finish the edits. Until then, the blog will have to suffice.

[Amanda]

Hot garbage water. That's funny.

[Beth]

Am I the only person who thought maybe Kelly was joking? I guess I'd have to see the rest of the e-mail to know for sure.

[rebecca]

Dude seriously, you are fantastic and I love reading your blog and all your books. Someone needs to open a large jar of whoop-ass on that girl.

[Leah]

Sometimes I sit in amazement at how much I absolutely adore you. I'm a writer and you should just know (for what its worth) that you're my hero- and I would never ask you to pay off my credit card. Haha.

[TheOtherJen]

I will not give Kelly a break. She is a senseless twit and if I knew her, I would totally kick her ass. Being a senseless twit is an ass-kickable offense in my book.

[Moira]

you are my hero. 'Nuf said.

[Carrie]

Mmmkay, so because some misguided individual bought, read and liked your book, she then assumes you and Fletch are spending your Friday nights throwing money on the floor and rolling around in it, then using it for kitty litter?

Huh. Who knew? :)

I guess EVERY person who writes a fabulous, brilliant and funny book instantly gets invited to all the best parties hosted by J.K. Rowling herself to indulge in all the wonders of the millions that roll in...

What??? No? Shit. Well, darn, there goes my 5 year plan to find some drivel I could write about (lacking writing skills and talent being an after thought of course) :P

However, I do forsee your books one day being grabbed up to make the big screen and would totally pay the $7 to see it!!!

If that happens, the combined cost of both current books and movie cost + food consumed at said movie would mean I spent about $30 being highly entertained... does that mean you'll pay for my first born (if there ever is one) to go to college?

I mean REALLY, I've been reading books for years and it never occured to me to solicit the author of said books, that brought me so much joy to help me out. :)

Perhaps Kelly needs to take this 'post' and resulting comments as a lesson to possibly 'WHY' she is out of work and living with a nagging mom...

just saying... :P

[pheebee]

Give the poor girl a break. I didn't know published authors didn't make oodles of money (and by oodles, I mean millions) until I went to college. On the other hand, if I were Kelly and I'd read both your books, I'm pretty sure I would have figured out that you didn't make millions...(yet!!! you're day is coming!!!) Ok, so we've already established that she's a moron. 'fair nuff.

Kelly aside...garbage water breath? Gross. And by the way, why do you know what hot garbage water breath smells like?

[Busted]

Am I the only one here that can't stop singing "Kelly Kelly Kelly" by Woody in Cheers??

DAMN YOU KELLY MAKE IT STOP!!

[TravelGretta]

FIVE YEARS WITH NO VACATION??? Call Kelly's mom immediately and get her AMEX card number. You & Fletch are going to Aruba.

[Rory]

I agree with Caroline. If Kelly read you she certainly wouldn't be asking for money.

I just started reading your blog, after finishing Bitter is the new Black while on a flight from Mexico home to Oregon. (I think everyone on the plane wondered what the hell was wrong with me because I kept laughing out loud)

I finally have a job with internet access, so now I can spend the better part of the day reading blogs and of course flipping back to actual work when someone pops by my desk. :-)

[Christine]

Imagine how many of those kinds of emails Oprah gets. Kind of sobering.

Keep the faith- she'll find some poor sap to marry and graduate from Mom's guest room in no time.

[Michelle Gebhart]

You know what the worst (ok, second to worst) part about all this is? She is going to keep asking people for handouts like this, and someday, some dumbass is ACTUALLY going to accommodate her! Grumble.

[Michelle Gebhart]

You know what the worst (ok, second to worst) part about all this is? She is going to keep asking people for handouts like this, and someday, some dumbass is ACTUALLY going to accommodate her! Grumble.

[AJMICK]

Okay, I think everyone else has this one covered, but, I do have one question. Did "Kelly" even read your books? Because if she would... well... she wouldn't be asking you for cash. Duh! But then there was that one chick that started the website about being in debt and people gave her enough money to pay it off so I guess sometimes you just gotta ask... wow... the nerve of some people! Yeah, I got debt, and I'll get my sad ass outta debt, too.

[Caroline Kistler]

I really have no words for Kelly. I think you and all the posts have said it all, quite well, I might add. There are idiots amongst us all and they don't know they are idiots! You have twirled about this Kelly long enough, she isn't worth it. Just keep doing what you are doing. You go girl!

[Lisa]

I'm sorry but I had to laugh out loud when I read the reprint of that email from Loser Girl asking for a hand-out. I think the comments already posted say it all, so all I'm going to ask is this, the picture you posted of your dog with the white Croc on his head, please, please tell me that is not your Croc. Please tell me you don't actually own a pair of Crocs - a.k.a. the ugliest freaking shoe ever made on earth, no matter how comfortable, they are a blight on the face of the planet. I will cry many, many tears if this is true. And then I will ask you for money to cover my therapy session. :-)

[Caroline]

O my Christ. I am A LIBERAL (please don't hate; does it soften the blow to tell you that I'm a MODERATE liberal? and a huge fan of All Things Jen?) and I think Kelly oughtta be horsewhipped. Nothing is more offensive than a misplaced sense of entitlement.

[Ree]

Oh Mah Gawd. No fucking way. I'll send you a sample pack of Oral-B Brushups - (textured teeth wipes!) if you think it'll help Hot Garbage Water Breath until you raise (or beg) the funds ;-)

[rachel]

I am sitting here in disbelief that Kelly asked you that...the balls!! I am in loads of debt, but I got myself in that situation and I will get myself out. To quote Lone Star in the movie Spaceballs, "Welcome to real life!"

[Kristabella]

Are you effing kidding me?

I'm totally writing a letter to Brad and Angelina. Because they totally need to pay off my student loans. Because I went to see Mr & Mrs. Smith. In the movie theatre! And got popcorn!

[ane]

seriously, what are people thinking. did "kelly" see a big "ask me for money" sign outside your house? all i can say to "kelly" is when you sleep with the dogs you're gonna get fleas.

[Charity]

Wow...okay so the crazy, chatty Kelly was way out of line asking for money but what do you expect? Some people are always going ask for things when you have money, fame, recoginition, are their family, a blog etc. It's just part of the game. Now, use it for your own good and put it in the next book!

[natalie]

just when I'd thought I'd heard it all.... and i live in NYC.
wow i don't even know what to say about this "Kelly". I'm speechless. but don't stew over it anymore. shes not worth your time/energy... which in my opinion, is worth even more than the money she requested.

[Jennifer]

Damn. You write books, you don't run a charity for idiots with plastic! Sure, I have credit card debt too, but I dug myself into that hole, and I'm the only one who can accept responsibility for it.

[Lisa Novachek]

Holy shit! I like your books too, can I have a dollar? Jen, some people are not worth the rope they hang themselves with. Don't stop doing the really nice things you do just because of one asshat with a Macy's card. Can't wait to read the new book!
Lisa in Wisconsin