Lazy Is Not the New Black

Setting:  My house, upstairs, three weeks ago.  I'm sprawled on the guest bed talking to Susie Sunshine and freaking out over my looming deadline.

Susie:  Oh, stop panicking.  You're always done on time. 

Me:  (sigh) I guess.

Susie:  Don't give me this 'I guess' shit.  You meet your deadlines and you know it. 

Me:  (another sigh) I guess.

Susie:  So, once you finish the book, then what?  Are you going on vacation?  Starting a fourth book?  Working on the screenplay you told me about?  What are your plans?

Me:  When I finally finish, I am going to watch SO MUCH TV! 

Susie:  (long, awkward pause)

* * * * *

If I knew how to do a screen capture (or weren't too lazy to find out) I'd post a shot of my Netflix queue which is nothing but the complete seasons of Survivor, Grey's Anatomy, Entourage, Weeds, etc. 

I know, I know.  SHAMEFUL... especially with the fall season already beginning!  I've got the new listings printed out and have highlighted everything I want to see; it's an ocean of fluorescent yellow. 

(Note to Biggest Loser fans:  OMG, Jillian's back!  "Beatings, beatings, beatings, and more beatings!"  Woo!)  (I've already mentioned the shame, yes?)

Anyway, I finished the first draft of the new book on Friday and this weekend, Fletch and I drove around looking at places we'd like to live next year as we've decided to stay in Chicago.  We found an area we love and I'd like to say we're buying a house there except they're outside our budget. 

(Note:  Also, just because we say we're going to buy a house doesn't imply any bank/mortgage broker will agree.  Thanks a bunch for the new interest rates, defaulters!)

As we strolled past all sorts of lovely, appropriate homesteads, I felt bad because we can't afford what I want.  And then it struck me like a load of granite counter tops.  I only work about three months a year because I am lazy.

Lazy = working one quarter per year.

Work = money.

More work = more money.

More money = home ownership (and probably a yard without rats.)

You guys know where this is heading, right?  (If you don't, here's a hint - it's not to the couch to watch Richard Hatch run around bare-assed nekkid.) 

So here's my question - what do you guys want to read next?  Some of you've already suggested I have children and document that experience, to which I respectfully reply I would rather live outdoors with the rats. 

Since the third book is a complete narrative like Bitter, I'm kicking around the idea of another book of humor in essay form, like Bright Lights.  I've got a bunch of stories from childhood on up and I'm considering using them in a funny prequel to Bitter.

What say you?

While you're thinking, here's something else I've been doing in my downtime:

Hey, at least I'm not watching TV.

Comments

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Thank you, thank you! I've got a good idea of what I should do now... basically a little bit of everything suggested. (Except selling t-shirts.) (Although I will post my old Cafe Press link once I go in and update the stuff on it.)

[Flo]

Seriously, are you insane? All for working and what not but did you not just FINISH something? Go watch some TV! I don't even know you (except in the stalker-y,obsessive blog reading way) but I think you need to take a break. But if you must I vote for sorority/dating stories!

[Carla]

I think a Prequal to Bitter is an excellent idea! By the way...what WERE you up to before you met Fletch? Im thinking there's lots of good stories there!

[Deb]

I'd love another essay-style book from you. Sure, sometimes I can manage to spend a whole weekend on a book, but more likely, when I get busy (like these days), the essays are easier to digest in the smaller doses of time I have for reading (hence my of-late-blog-addiciton). As for topic - I'm sure anything "Jen" will have me laughing to tears!

[Kristina]

As one pup Mom to another PLEASE write about the pups.
I have one very zen like dog and then we got a puppy that was found in a junk yard and my house always looks like the picture of the "exploding pillow line from JC Pennys". I wanted to post a picture of the book I found chewed up one day "How to raise a puppy" as irony has now replaced my husband as my companion.

[Kim]

Jen, in a chardonnay infused haze, I feel I must warn you that home ownership results in HUUUUGE, unthinkable responsibilities. Such as coming home from Vegas to find a possum in your garage. And having your husband leave for work one week later complaining of a weird smell in the garage. And picking up a piece of plywood the next day to find the possum...not so active as it was last week. There are no words, really. I just keep flashing back to William Shatner playing a possum in that cartoon. Moral of the story? Stay in a condo and have someone else pick up the possum for you!

[LLori]

Bought Bitter to take to Jury Service (struck me I was in this kinda mood). In the waiting room, people were starting to watch me. . because I was laughing out loud (not that I cared). It was too good to be self conscience about that! So, periodically..someone would walk by my table to look at what I was reading. I could not contain myself (felt wonderful!) So, I want to thank you for being my best friend for a day.
I do check in your web site to get a good laugh & want to thank you for that too!
I have bought BLBA. . . saving it for my vacation.
I would buy anything you wrote. You are blessed with talent. The merchandise option is great. . sign me up . . Great gifts for one & all!

[Carrie]

Okay, so maybe someone else has already made my suggestion, but as 'Lazy IS the New Black' in my world, I didn't read all the comments. Sorry. I suck. :)

Seeing as you are wanting to write more often and get more books out there and I am a huge lover of all animals and stuff, what about a book written from your dogs perspectives? Or even better, the dogs AND cats perspectives! ("The woman person is home more now and she is depriving me of my nap time and taking up the best seats in the house... the cat"... etc...) :)

How THEY have interpretted everything that has gone on since you rescued them and all the goings on and changes and adventures? Especially, since one is a Pit Bull, a breed that, due to assholes and people who should be fixed or humanely euthanized are now not seen as the once loyal and smart breed, but a vicious time bomb that provokes fear and loathing in people who encounter them.

You could have a whole chapter about how everytime M. Vick is on TV the dog goes insane and barks at the TV... I think with your wit and way with words, you could showcase these puppers in a way no one else could. :)

Also, I'm sure it's been mentioned, but your take on sorority life would be priceless!!!! :)

[Lucy]

Obviously, a prequel would be a great idea and I think you've pretty much decided to give that a go (after some much needed rest and TV time of course!).

My suggestion is to try to market yourself as a columnist for some Chicago City Paper...not sure what one would be called there, but you all must have one (in DC its literally called The City Paper...Buffalo its called Art Voice).

ANYWAYS, I think that would be great for you...and fun. It's like getting paid for blogging. Don't know how lucrative it is, but if Carrie Bradshaw could buy a shit load of Manolos on a columnist salary, why cant you? Or write guest pieces for Womens magazines?

You can do it! We have faith in you and I'd love to see you get more exposure. Just think what it could do for your book sales!

[Tracey]

Oh My God, I have both that shoe and that dog. Did someone sneak into my house and put my shoe on my dog and photograph it. Why didn't I think of that. Oh, my dog is in so much trouble.

[Liz K]

If you make a pre-quel, please do the long form version of the story where you wrote your sorority president a check for new party clothes...that was hilarious.

I just rescued a Pit Bull that someone abandoned in an apartment in my complex...and he is just the sweetest thing! I definetly re-read the section of Bitter where you first got Maisy right after I finished steam cleaning the carpets!

Thanks for the laughs :)

[Emma]

I agree fully with "ME".... I have to hear about what your college life was like.

I'm already laughing and I don't even know.

[LJ]

Love the children's story idea... now that we've seen the modern day humorous tales, would love to take it back to the prequel!

[Carrie]

Bright Lights is the FUNNIEST book I have EVER read! So I vote for something like it. But, I thought Bitter was hilarious, too, so I am up for anything. I think you should just keep writing. A LOT. I am counting the days until the new book comes out.

[Rebecca]

1. Prequel would be fantabulous!!!!

2. I adore the target bag in the picture!

3. You are the only author I care enough for to pay full price - so write more and I'll do my part to help you get your new house.

4. How perfect would merchandise be that is exclusively carried by Target!!!! And Trader Joes...And Ikea (although you might have to cross the pond to make that happen)

I would sooooo buy anything that says Fucktard on it (I officially fell in love with you way back when I read Bitter and you called the kid who put the crayons up his nose a fucktard) or just BIG ASS. Could you hook up with Kate Spade and make a line of purses???

[Miss Mack]

WOOT! So psyched everyone wants you do do merch! I hope you consider it...you should also consider writing a treatment for a sitcom... Get your agent to connect you with a TV agent (or email me here or through Myspace and I will do it). You're the BEST!!!! I hope it all works out and until then I am looking forward to the new book.

[Sheri]

Jen - get with Beth on some Juicy-like stuff (but no baby t-'s because - really - who can wear them except for...well...babies) and I love love love Nicole's ideas on a "daily book" with Jen-isms...can't wait for the third book! Muwah!

[Kristabella]

I'm all for a prequel! There has got to be great Jennsylvania childhood stories!

[Pahkcah02]

To do a screenshot in Windows:

1. Hold down Control
2. Hold down Print Screen (probably located above the Insert key)
3. Open a new program and click Paste. You can then save it as a graphic to upload to your site.

[Mishi]

Love the idea of writing about your childhood. Can't wait to read the third book.

[Aimee]

You'll be happy to know that I no longer own your books. Well, I own them, but I don't have them. Why? (you ask) Because I lent them to my sister, who passed them on to her friend, who passed them on to HER sister and so on.... Lord knows where they are now. I may have to resort to buying them again...because I like them. A lot. And I miss them. I'm so glad you are finished with another book because you are blogging more and it gives me something to look forward to every time I get on the computer. BLBA is my favorite of your books (so far) so I like the idea of you writing another in that style. I was in a sorority in college so I am thinking it would be quite amusing to read your take on the whole college/sorority experience (that is if you actually remember enough of it to write a whole book) (I only said that because I don't really remember a lot...um...because I spent a lot of time in a state that does not allow for very clear memories). Anyway...whatever you decide to do or write...I will be happy to read it (or about it!)

[Veronica]

"Beatings, beatings, beatings and more beatings" complete with fist pounding. Yes indeed, Jillian is back! Feels good, doesn't it?

[Veronica]

"Beatings, beatings, beatings and more beatings" complete with fist pounding. Yes indeed, Jillian is back! Feels good, doesn't it?

[Annie]

I loved Bright Lights--anything similar to that would be great and I CANNOT wait for the new book! A prequel would be a good idea-as a fellow former sorority member I know the hilarity of college situations! No kids though, I agree!

[Lisa]

I really need a baseball hat with "ASSHAT" on it... or "Shalom Bitches". The merchandising idea is genius -- its a no-brainer...don't forget stuff for the dogs too.
A prequel would be great. The letters at the beginning of BITNB were so funny, more of those and some stories from childhood and sorority life would be awesome. I also like the travel log idea --or maybe you should go on one of those religious missions and report back, I would bet that you would have a ton of patience for that!

BTW, thanks for the recommendations on your MySpace page for the Caprice Crane books -- I had to read something while waiting on your third.

[Barbara in SD]

Prequel to BLBA with childhood stories - YES! I know you'll keep me laughing no matter what.
Thanks!

[Judy]

Jen,
If you want info on clothing/merchandise - FREE info, e-mail me. I knew only how to shop when I decided to start a clothing company. I used to run into the girls who started "Juicy" at my sewing contractor.....they've done just a little bit better than I have! I read both of your books while I was in France. You can always tag along on MY latest adventure. I'm restoring a 14th century apartment building in the South of France that we bought without seeing the inside. Turns out it was so awful the cockroaches were trying to escape. Did I mention I don't speak French and have a BUDGET? And the dollar hit an all-time low today? Free place to stay in the South of France - bring Fletch. AND free advise on the clothing angle. I am teaching myself iweb - makeyourowndamnbreakfast.com
my dog's web site is bettykicksass.com

[Beth]

as a fellow owner of a sweet-but-misunderstood pitbull, i vote for a book about the pets. i know my dog would love it ... before she chewed it to bits.

seriously, i'd read pretty much anything you wrote.

[Kari]

I would die for another read similar to Bright Lights! Bitter made me laugh, but the second book made me damn near wet myself! What about tapping into some of those sorority memories? Honestly, I just dig reading your day to day observations and obstacles. If you just write what's going through your head, I guarantee it's going to be a success! Thank you for always being as sarcastic as I am and the great work!

[Cat]

The merchandise idea is great...but how about a book of Jen-isms?? I love quote books that you can pick up and open to any page for a good laugh, like The World According to Jen. Or a thought a day book? 365 pearls of Jen wisdom? The Bitter Girl's Life Companion?

[Nicole]

Maybe you and the hubby should go on a trip and write about that...I went to France and Italy and have think I'm hilarious while re-canting some of my stories!

[Kim]

I'm jumping on the prequel bandwagon. As a fellow Hoosier, I would love love love to hear the Purdue sorority stories!

On a completely unrelated note, who are you/were you rooting for on "Big Brother"? I'm having a reaction to the season where I lay awake at night and think of ways Daniele won't win. fyi, there aren't any. Would love to read some insight from you!

[MlleClaire]

in my most humble opinion, i would love for you to write a prequel to BITHB. i'd love to read the fleshed out version of your childhood, as the abridged version in your first memoir was enough to knock me down on my ass laughing. but, i love the humor book style as well.

as i have just stated, i love both styles of your writing, the essay and narrative versions. just because i am anal retentive, i would like to see a book of humor after the narrative one, (just to make it a set pattern).

if you read this jen, you are fabulous and i can't wait to read the next book!!!!

claire

[Fe]

Screen grab (if you have a mac) Apple Shift 4. Just drag the cross-hair thingy and it even makes a camera sound. Thought I'd share.

[Dodi]

Jen, doesn't that Dooce make her money just from blogging? Advertise on your blog. You're as good a blogger than she is... maybe better if that makes you feel good.

Things I can see you writing?
A self help book for the overworked.
Sarcastic Letters to the Editor.
A Guide to Overcoming Unemployment.
A sit-com.

Years ago there was a book by a guy that wrote crazy letters to companies, and then also showed the replies and subsequent follow-ups. You? Would be hilarious in that capacity. It's been done before? Yes, but so have memoirs and chick lit - and that doesn't stop anyone from producing even more!

I will read and re-read whatever you publish. You are the funny, risk taking version of all of us "everywomen" out here and I think you're fabulously talented!

[Liane]

Write a new book!! I am just finished with BLBA- I found your first book last summer when looking for "fun reads" and passed it along to both of my sisters- we all love you! I went out to look for info on you recently (got breast cancer last year- I'm only 35- it sucked-I'm done now- growing hair- recovering still) anyway- thought- wow, would love to see if she has anything else out!! Found BLBA- have passed it on to one sister, will pass it along to the other.... um- where was i- (chemo brain!!) OH yeah- so I will buy 3 books- one for each of us, if you write a new one- to help you pay for your house :) Oh- and if you ever need a jacket done for a book- or anything creative- my husband just got laid off for the 2nd F*&^%%%g time in under a year- he's a Creative Director- worked for a mortgage co- so I agree- thanks a lot A-holes for defaulting on your loans!! Hmmm- losing 2 jobs & cancer all in under a year- if you need any stories to go along with a book- just lemme know!
Sincerely, one of your newest and now most devoted fans-
Liane

[suzanne]

Anything you write would be welcomed!!! You are like the Seinfeld of chicklit. You write about everyday things but make them so hilarious. I can't believe we have to wait until may 2008 for your next book!

[Heather]

Your dogs are pillow biters? Awesome. My dog is an ass biter. As in walks up behind you when you least suspect him there and gooses your rear with his teeth. Have I mentioned I dislike this dog and he's lucky he's cute?

[Kelly]

WRITE ANYTHING!! My hairdresser just turned me on to your books and I read Bitter then went out and bought BLBA. Anyone who watched Paradise Hotel as religiously as I did is one to be read. (Didn't ya just love to hate Toni and Charla made me want to puke)So dear, just write. You're my kind of gal.

[kimberly]

I think you should definitely write more. Pre-Bitter stories would be awesome, but whatever you write, I will buy it. I read both of your books within a week. I just couldn't put them down! I have passed them on to one of my girlfriends, and two more girls want to read them next. Whatever else you do, please WRITE MORE SOON!!

[Ginny]

I hate to be Professor Obvious, but you've gotta write about college!! Your sorority experience alone will undoubtedly provide you with page after page of snarkily delicious recollections! Tell ALL!! And NO loyalty to the sisterhood allowed!!!

And I can't believe I didn't find out about Snarkywood.com until yesterday, when I clicked the link in your Brit post, and laughed myself into near hysteria! BRING BACK SNARKYWOOD!! I'm completely bummed I missed out on all that great snark when it was current, but there are so many new targets available! Perez Hilton has nothing on you, Martha, Danny, Susan and Lauren. Get'em, guys!!!

I'm still waiting for my library system to get a copy of "Bright Lights" and can't wait to read it! I HATE LIVING ON A BUDGET!!! WANNA GO BUY IT NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

[armywifetoddlermom]

Mrs. Lancaster,

Just finished Big-Ass and loved it. It was exactly what the Dr. ordered indeed.

Loved it, and am actually going to send it to a friend that could use a pick me up. (I know you totally do not make any money, when i "send" books to people so forgive me, I bet I am poorer than you!)

Anywho, loved it bunches, and I will buy the next one!

[Melissa]

Prequel! Prequel!

Stay far away from children--it would be more contrived than the product placement on 24.

Go with your strengths--you know, being bitchy and catty and obnoxious:) It's what makes us all fans.

[Jessica]

JEN LANCASTER: THE COLLEGE YEARS

[ME]

Go for the prequel!! U need a house, I need entertainment. It works! Plus, I loved when you wrote about your childhood in Bitter. The babysitting part was hysterical. Do it! Do it!

[Carol]

You're not moving to Texas?!

[kim]

OMG! JIllian yay! My husband looks at me like i crazy for sqeauling about beatings! and more beatings! He's asked me twice about who the hell is Jilian and why do I care so much about this person he doesn't know. Also I vote for a prequel. I know growing up in Indiana must ahve more than enough hilairous tales. Plus I love to read about your life, it makes mine seem sorta sane.

[Carrisa]

I totally started a Biggest Loser Bloggers challenge on my website yesterday. Lots of people are participating with me. Too bad there's no cash prize at the end of it all.

What if your next book was just a straight up fiction chick lit novel? No one says you have to only write memoirs right? I'd probably read anything you wrote.

[Lea]

I'm late to the Jen party!! I actually got your second book just a few weeks ago and read it (LOVED IT - my BF also named Jen is reading it now and LOVES IT) so I am just starting the first book, which I got this weekend. I did really enjoy the essay format, so more random Jen stories would rock.
Merchandise - yeah! I want a shirt that says "Shalom, Motherf*ckers!" - I have been yelling that at my cats every evening when I get home. Not too much response but hey, it makes ME laugh.

[tutugirl1345]

I agree with the idea of you doing different jobs, but I wouldn't throw in trying to get fired from them. Just find jobs with the right amount of interaction with people and you'll have hilarious stories fall into your lap. You could work at a Starbucks, a McDonalds, as a delivery person, or even door to door salesperson (I'm sure you'd find people doing all kinds of sketchy/funny things at their houses).