Setting: Our bedroom at midnight last night. Fletch is trying out his brand new sphygmomanometer (which sounds dirty!) (but is actually the polar opposite of dirty!) because his doctor says he needs to monitor his blood pressure due to his stressful job and also because he's getting older.
(But not me! I'm not worried about getting older, despite the fact I'm going to be forty in less than two weeks. I embrace my years and all the changes time has wrought! Age is just a number!)
(Although I'm going in for a consult tomorrow about Botox, Restylane, and Regenique for an entirely unrelated matter.)
(Anyway, I was saying?)
Me: You're doing it wrong.
Fletch: (adjusting the cuff) I'm not doing it wrong.
Me: No, I'm pretty sure you are.
Fletch: It's fine. It's supposed to go like this.
Me: It's not fine.
Fletch: IT IS FINE.
Me: Bzzt! Wrong!
Fletch: (gestures to digital display) Do you realize your 'help' is causing my blood pressure to rise as we speak? (fools around with some buttons to record his reading)
Me: Do mine next! (thrust left arm at him and he begins to adjust cuff) Ow! Owie! You're doing it wrong again!
Fletch: (deep sigh) You're supposed to feel pressure. That's why it's a blood PRESSURE monitor.
Me: (whimpering) Is it done yet?
Fletch: Yeah, you're good. (puts cuff and monitor away)
Me: Well, how many pressures do I have?
Fletch: You're fine.
Me: But how many? Or how much?
Fletch: You're fine.
Me: Give me the damn number.
Fletch: (sighs again) You're 120 over 66.
Me: Is that good?
Fletch: Yes, it's good, especially for the diastolic.
Me: Then why didn't you just say so?
Fletch: Because I figured you'd spend all day tomorrow bragging about your "outstanding" blood pressure on Twitter.
Me: Pfft, I wouldn't dream of Twittering about it.
I mean, really? Outstanding blood pressure needs to be noted on my blog.
What's twitter? I don't get it.
Posted by: Amanda | October 25, 2007 at 10:14 AM
Ha! I saw Twitter but I resisted! *Goes off in a cloud of self righteous idiocy to Facebook*
Posted by: Jennifer McKenzie | October 25, 2007 at 09:58 AM
OMG curse you for showing me Twitter! Like I needed something else to waste my time on! :P
Posted by: Amy | October 25, 2007 at 09:09 AM
Hey! You're funny! But, I guess people have already mentioned that. I'm going to go find your book.
I was a Jersey girl, too.
Posted by: Karen Vogel | October 25, 2007 at 07:11 AM
The best part about having husbands is beating them at stuff. I like to beat mine at cholesterol level, blood pressure, and Scrabble. And then gloat.
Hey, I'm no walk in the park but he knew it going in.
Posted by: tia | October 25, 2007 at 12:43 AM
w/hereditary, high b/p, tell Fletch walk 3-5 x's/wk (for an hour). . after couple of months, slimmer waistline & low b/p. Just a consideration, really works. Its lifestyle verses living w/medication. Good luck - Best wishes.
Posted by: LLori | October 25, 2007 at 12:15 AM
I picked out thirteen of my favorite quotes from your books and posted them on my blog. It was difficult to only choose thirteen!!!! Fun though.
The hard part was finding SHORT quotes. I wanted to include entire chapters. Like how can you take one part out out of the Thousand Waves Spa?
I angsted. I wasted time. I called it networking.
Posted by: Jennifer McKenzie | October 24, 2007 at 10:41 PM
I recently turned 30 and have already been for a Botox consultation. (Have not pulled the trigger yet, but Santa's on his way.....)
My conclusion - it's cheaper to be proactive (Botox) than to be reactive (facelift.)
Go for it!
Posted by: Michelle Fesi | October 24, 2007 at 08:54 PM
That? Is a lovely blood pressure. Totally proves how young you are. Botox be damned.
And ps, I totally love that you used the word "sphygmomanometer" in a post.
Posted by: Kate | October 24, 2007 at 06:36 PM
I rang in my 40th with a huge party and I was wheeled into the room in a pink castiron bathtub, covered in balloons. I popped out of the bathtub in a bright pink dress with "Princess" ironed on the ass and waited for all my friends to clap and cheer. Which they did. It was the best party ever. Much better than my wedding 16 years ago!!!
My blood pressure is low and my husbands is high. He's on meds!! I'd like to keep him around a while longer. He says I'm the reason it's high. Probably true. Take care of the boy!
Posted by: Katherine | October 24, 2007 at 05:43 PM
I too have low BP. Actually, my work does this wellness program where you get screened for all sorts of things and I was ranked ideal in every category!! I won't lie... I was pretty impressed with myself seeing as I'm not getting any younger and I'm probably 10-20 lbs overweight.
Go you for being in the low BP club! And how dissapointing that the sphygmomanometer was just a boring blood pressure machine! =)
Posted by: Melanie | October 24, 2007 at 03:44 PM
I think outstandingly low BP should be blogged AND Twittered! Mine's 110/60 most of the time, and I'm thinking of having that added to my business cards, resume header, signature line, maybe tattooed on my forehead...
Posted by: Dana Whitaker | October 24, 2007 at 03:23 PM
Before you get all crazy and Botox-ed up, go for something small...perhaps Retin A creme? You know, baby steps??
Posted by: Karina in T.O | October 24, 2007 at 02:28 PM
One word for you, my almost 40 friend:
THERMAGE.
(Woot woot for your bp!)
Posted by: dodim | October 23, 2007 at 05:56 PM
Hey Jen- So on Friday I was all pumped and ready to go to The Book Cellar to finally meet you. I left an hour early knowing LSD would be a bitch-in-a-half in rush hour coming from the southside. I followed the mapquest directions and with 20 minutes to spare, I came to Licoln. Then I got a phone call. Normally I don't pick up the phone when I'm driving, especially when I'm looking for parking or in an area I'm not familiar with. However this time I did b/c it was a friend who always bitches at me that I never answer when she calls and I didn't feel like getting yelled at again. Long story short, I answered, lost my sense of direction, ended up being 15, 20, 25, 30 minutes late, never found the place, and missed your whole fabulous visit. needless to say I WAS PISSED and my night was ruined. All I wanted to do was say how much I love your work (I know you get that all the time) and wanted you to sign my copy. Are there any other events you'll be at in the near future?!
Posted by: Aileen Vertiz | October 23, 2007 at 04:52 PM
I've been eyeing the brochures from my dermatologists office about the Restylane, but the Botox? I'm still a bit dodgy of that one.....Yeah, yeah, so its not REALLY botchulism in my face (pardon the bad spelling) but really, what's next? Ebola in my ass....hey, wait a sec, isn't that the flesh eating disease? I may have caught onto something here....
Posted by: Karina in T.O | October 23, 2007 at 04:21 PM
You can update your facebook status to say something like: Jen Lancaster is: rocking a low BloodPressure 120/66 woot woot..... and then throw a sheep at Fletch
Posted by: SleepyNita | October 23, 2007 at 03:29 PM
Botox?? Totally worth it!!
But then again, I don't pay for mine.....
I kinda, sorta, get it for FREE every three months.
Yeah, I know it vacuums profusely to be me....
Anywhoo. I too have Low BP, so yes we should start an exclusive club!!
Posted by: Bunny Bunster | October 23, 2007 at 02:38 PM
I had a really witty reply but lost it when I collapsed in hysterical laughter at Sarah's post! Buhahahahahahahaw! (Or LOL for those who cannot express droll humor without using abreviations).
Is it scary knowing that there are people reading your book and QUOTING it? Wait until you see my Thursday Thirteen.
And my husband loves Rachel Ray too.
But, back to the topic. I take pills for my blood pressure. And whiskey. But then I have small children AND dogs.
Posted by: Jennifer McKenzie | October 23, 2007 at 02:15 PM
And why shouldn't you twitter about it? ha ha
Posted by: Kari | October 23, 2007 at 02:09 PM
Whilst trying to come up with a relatable comment am realizing all my snarks have to do with part of the book I just finished reading. Which under normal circumstances might be considered annoying and non-applicable…seeing as the last book I finished was written by a certain blogger (namely this current blog’s owner) maybe it is a bit more relevant.
Reason’s for Fletch’s need for a sphygmomanometer (which my brain keeps pronouncing “sphincter-meter” very bad.) might include, but not limited to: cooking 15lbs of meat loaf…or anything from, the incessantly perky, Rachael Ray’s cooking books…and many more ‘enjoyable’ tasks.
In other news…I have mounds of credit debt, and wondering, since I did purchase and read your latest memoir if you’d like to help me out by payi-
Oh, wait, it’s been done.
-Sarah
Posted by: Sarah | October 23, 2007 at 01:50 PM
Fantastic. I too have excellent blood pressure. We should form a club and not let any of those other saps in.
Posted by: Jenny from Chicago | October 23, 2007 at 01:10 PM
Heh. Congratulations, Jen! Are you still working out and eating nothing but groats and shrubbery? Amazing how all those pesky little health-related numbers normalize when one is Living The Right Life (and ignoring all those little happinesses like Ring-Dings, Doritos and the occasional pint o'cheer).
Am looking forward to your next volume of snark! Aloha from Caroline
Posted by: Caroline | October 23, 2007 at 01:06 PM