Maybe You Should Let It Go to Voicemail Next Time?

When Fletch gets home from work tonight, we might be having The Talk. 

This is a lousy way to start my gala birthday week, except I kind of have The Talk coming because I keep breaking his "please don't call my BlackBerry unless it's an emergency" rule.  Fletch has a personal cell phone and also an office line I'm supposed to use for the what-do-you-want-for-dinner-no-not-spaghetti-I-already-had-that-for-lunch-type conversations.  He ALWAYS answers his BlackBerry, regardless of if he's in a meeting or at a lunch with vendors or in a seminar. His BlackBerry is his Bat Phone.

I started skating on thin ice last week when I accidentally called his BlackBerry to tell him we didn't get a parking ticket because of my fast thinking.  And then I phoned to cry about how many squats and lunges my trainer made me do and how I could no longer walk down the stairs or sit on the toilet, and I followed it up by telling him the place next door put up the world's ugliest curtains.  (Seriously?  They're a weathered set of psychedelic sheets, circa 1967.) 

He began to show serious signs of annoyance when I redialed again to let him know I ran across my 6th grade boyfriend.  That night, he gently reminded me I should use that number for, "Floods, fires, and felonies, not Facebook."

And this is why I fear my most recent call to inform him, "Maisy just humped your pillow," may well have pushed him over the edge.

 

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Comments

[Monika]

Happy Birthday! Loved your books, and have bought / recommended them to so many of my friends - and pretty much any other woman that I know who needs a good laugh.

[Jackie]

Rightous anger is in order! I can't imagine anyone being upset by not being informed immediately about their dog's private parts being rubbed on their pillow. I love my four dogs but I would not be happy if my husband knew of the humpy, humpy pilow talk and didn't interrupt, say negoiations for world peace and let me know. (Not that anyone wants me to negoiate world peace, but you get the gist.) PS Happy, Happy Martini Birthday!

[Sarah]

Next time wait till he's come home from his long day, so sleepy he walks upstairs like a zombie...and as soon as his head hits the pillow, then you tell him. When he's up washing his face in the sink you can say, "Now that's why I call the Bat Phone, kind of important isn't it?" or you bring about the "Jen Phone" so he can get a cell just for you. If he protests, all you have to do is remind him...walking around all day with 3 cell phones, people will think he's uber importante. yes, I mixed languages, it's a talent.

[Laura]

Happy Birthday!!

I personally think that Maisy humping his pillow is well worth his time to take the call b/c I know 5 min. later I would forget and he would be sleeping on that pillow and it would hit me at my 2am wake up to pee. Better now than 2am after his face is shoved in :)

[Bethany]

Seriously, as I sit here wondering why I waste so much time online.... THIS RIGHT HERE, reminds me that it's all worth it! TOTALLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES!

Have a great birthday! Make sure you don't use his pillow ;)

[lena]

Seriously. I do that all of the time. As soon as a new thought comes in to my head that I find brilliant I am dialing the number. I feel it is my duty to make aware how fabulous I am, how funny may day is, the fact that my dog just peed on the guest bed.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Later today I began to write down all the stuff I felt compelled to call Fletch about. My list reads as such:

wings batter! spicy!
daylight saving
stooopid
the cheese thing

I have NO IDEA now what any of these topics mean and we spent most of dinner trying to decipher them.

Also, as for the neighbor's curtains, I'm still fascinated by them. They just listed their house ($300K-$600K below neighborhood comps - tell me that place isn't a pit inside) and I assume the funky curtains were in an effort to spruce up the place. Maybe I just watch too many house-flipping shows but each time I see them, I end up shouting, "Neutral! Neutral! Neutral! GOD!"

And yes, these are the "idiots" from book title number two. As much as they annony me, I sort of hate to see them go. Are the new neighbors going to have a creepy little teenager I secretly call Columbine and laugh at when he trims his tree in a scuba mask? Will new people replace the garbage bag windows with actual panes of glass? Am I going to share a wall with a very loud construction site for the next nine months? I kind of don't want to know.

[trish]

1. how unfortunate about the curtains
2. at least it wasn't his toothbrush in the toilet
3. happy birthday

[Michelle]

Happy Birthday, Jen! You know, that would be a cool way to raise some money for Kim and law school....Auction off a phone call from you, and the proceeds go to Kim's law school tuition! The highest bidder gets to chat with you about, well, YOU, the dogs, the new book coming out, Vera Wang's ride on Isaac Mizrahi's coat tales - (ie) Kohls vs. Target, America's Most Smartest Model...

Have a fun b-day week!

Michelle

[Lys]

Happy Birthday and he should know the rule - regardless of Gala Week - it's Gala Month - such is the rule for all Nov. birthdays!!!

Not that I'm biased or anything (I'm on the 4th).. He'll learn and any call from you is important!

[Danielle Pagani]

Happy Birthday!

And seriously, shouldn't there be a rule against having a TALK imposed upon you on your birthday week? And really If he is that upset he could just not answer. If its really that much of an emergency I'm pretty sure you'd call back a second time.

[Melanie]

Happy Birthday!!

I would be happy if someone called to let me know the dog humped my pillow... that's important info!!! You could have not told him until he had his head on it that night... he should be happy you called! =)

[Jennifer McKenzie]

See, this is why I hate that my husband is out of cell phone reception every day. I think I should be able to call him every time HIS dog pees on my shoes.
But really, enough alcohol and you won't notice THE TALK so much. That's always my solution.
Happy birthday early.

[tia]

Happy Birthday!!

And remember, you're married!! That means that the ONLY important phone calls are from you.

[Becca]

Happy Birthday Jen!

And seriously, he must know you well enough by now to know that you are usually calling about something way more entertaining than an emergency. I wish I had someone calling me with entertaining stories all day. He should consider himself so lucky to be with such a creative and fun woman! You should call him on his Blackberry and tell him I said that.

[Josie]

Gee, Jen, It's a Blackberry - just email or text him! God knows if he's answering the damn thing that he probably picks up every incoming email too.

I know, not as satifying....And Happy Birthday!

[Ami]

Happy birthday! Drink something pink and fizzy...I find those to be the most celebratory of drinks.

[Suzy]

I'm on the 5th, Happy Barfday because isn't is all about drinking?

[sally struthers]

You crack my ass up.

[Karina in T.O]

Oh girl....you're in trouble!!

But, Maisy is sooooo damn cute when she looks guilty!

[Rebecca]

Happy early birthday!!! I can't start my birthday week gala till next week (I'm the 11th) - so drink something pink and fabulous for me!!!

P.S. - Good luck with "the talk"!