And Party Ev-e-ry Day

If you read Bright Lights, Big Ass, you already know how I feel about today so I'll spare you the extended Ctrl+Alt+INSERTOMGIHATEHALLOWEENSOGODDAMNMUCH macro of the annual holiday booby trapping of the yard and the celebratory taping of garbage bags over the windows.

However, during dinner last night I began to question my extensive preparations.  "What if neighborhood children manage to penetrate our festively armed perimeter?" I asked. "It's one thing to be the mean old curmudgeons who encourage their dogs to bark when kids walk on our grass.  But what if we're forced somehow into opening the door?" 

Fletch interrupted to ask, "Why would be be forced into opening the door?"

"Well, like, what if UPS arrives to deliver my new pink track pants and when I go to sign there are a bunch of little Harry Potters standing on our steps?  We can't send them away empty-handed.  That's just shitty.  I'm not going to bark, 'No candy for you!' in a kid's face.  Even I'm not that cold.  So what do we do?  The only treat we have in the house is half an exotic bacon-chocolate bar* from Vosges.  Do we give each of the kids a bite?  Otherwise, what can we offer?"

Fletch chewed his salad and looked thoughtful for a moment.  "There's a whole case of canned San Marzano tomatoes we could pass out.  When the kids say, 'Trick or treat' we'll ask, 'Would you prefer with or without basil?'"

"That seems like a really good way to get the front of our house pelted with cans," I replied.

"But they're San Marzano," he countered.  "They're the Rolls Royce of canned tomatoes."

(The man is dead serious.  Again, this is why we aren't having children.)

"Hmm.  Maybe I'd better run to Target, just in case."

So now if any kid manages to survive the obstacle course leading to our front door and catches us before we head out for an evening of diner food and upscale furniture store window-shopping, he or she will be handsomely rewarded with a fun-size Snickers bar and the affirmation, "Well-played, Harry Potter.  Well-played."

*You might think the combination of Applewood smoked bacon, Alder smoked salt, and chocolate is sick and wrong and not of the Lord.  You would be wrong.  Here's more info if you're curious.   

* * *

Anyway, my whole point is to grudgingly wish you a Happy Halloween (if you're into that sort of thing) and also to inform you the greatest costume in the world was already worn thirty years ago.

 

"I want to Rock & Roll all night - or at least until Donny and Marie come on."

Comments

[Karina in T.O]

Halloween morning when I saw the first of many grown men dressed as some sort of ghetto version of Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean, I thought of your anti-halloween musings in Bright Lights. Nothing says "Have I got the best low interest mortgage rate for you", like a banker dressed up in full costume! Idiots!

Which reminded me of the time, many many years ago when my boyfried Kirk and I still lived at his mums place (I couldn't have been older than 20). One memorable Halloween Kirk descided to carve a pumpkin.....because all the lights off in the house and boobytraps in the front lawn didn't suffice.....the pumpkin said "F**k You" in it's smile....done in italics if you will, quite difficult to read, you needed to look at it REAL HARD. But more than once we heard from the front stoop "Thats it! We're never coming to this hours again!!" Hmmmm, yeah, they got the message.

Luckily we moved into a condo a few years ago, and now there is no trick or treating allowed in the units. Saves the kids from our vulgarity, I guess....

[Sarah]

hmm...bacon & chocolate eh?

Guess I have no room to talk, I just had cheez-its and milk duds.

so cheese and caramel? not so great...

but popcorn and milk duds...mmm, heavenly.

I was too lazy to hand out candy.
I set out a basket full on the patio and when I returned from my festivities...

well it looks as if it wasn't touched!

what am I supposed to do with 50,000 lollipops and sour gum?

I think I may have to walk down the street and pretend I'm in a parade, pelting the people who pass me. that could be fun.

[LJ]

Wow, guess I'm on my own. Afraid to own up to it but um yeah, enjoyed Halloween including costume last night {wince}.

No tomatoes, please.

And vosges look divine. Mmmmm.

[Dani]

We didn't get any trick-or-treaters in my building, which is fine with me; our Halloween candy has been open since last saturday when I put it out for a Halloween party and those tasty little fun-sized Butterfingers have really taken a hit in the numbers department. When I called my parents last night to see what they were doing for their anniversary today, my dad excused himself to hand out candy and I had to laugh. There haven't been young kids in their neighborhood in years and they live on a rather impressive hill (right at the halfway point too). He pointed out to me that if those kids wanted candy bad enough to trek to another neighborhood and up the hill he could give it. (Not a huge sacrifice since they buy their halloween candy in May.)

[Michelle]

You should go to your next book signing in that KISS costume.

[rmac]

My husband and I closed all window coverings, turned out lights and camped out in our bedroom all night, so as to avoid any trick-or-treaters.

My husband did have a couple of ideas that maybe we'll try next year -- he wanted to hand out all of the hotel soaps and shampoos he's been collecting from all of his work travel. Kids have to wash off that makeup, right?

[Kathy]

I went to Target also! I rolled over one Tinkerbell, her mother and a Hermione to get to the Butterfingers, Crunch bars and Reeses cups... all MY favs. Which is great because I had not one knock on my door.

It's all miiiiiiiine! Muuuuuaaaaah ahhh ahhhh!
(i love 'weenie day)

Nice Gene Simmons costume, btw.

[emily]

boo & divadivine... i totally feel your pain. i teach high school so things weren't too crazy today but i thought my head was going to blow up when one of my seniors, who is seven and a half months pregnant, told me she is going trick or treating dressed up as a baby. i had no words. i still don't... halloween is so dumb.

[Boo]

I am a teacher, too, and next year, I am definitely going to be ABSENT on 10/31 - great idea! I am so pooped that I have no funny words left, but thank you all for making me laugh like an adult. Vosges is new to me - I just tabbed over & looked them up - who cares what they cost if they are legal...

[SnarkyMommy fka Sprengblingbling]

We just had another round of trick or treaters stop by. It's 8:15. I thought this shit ended at 7?

While we had Jack -- or should I say Nemo -- out trick or treating (that is, collecting candy for mom and dad since he's too little for candy) there was a group of kids without costumes. The homeowner said "No candy for kids without costumes" and the kid didn't miss a beat, telling him "This is my costume. I'm a gangsta." He was wearing all black and gray and wearing a school backpack. I am putting him at about 13.

That's Lincoln Park, folks. You get all kinds.

[Jessica]

OK, after looking at the amazing and mindblowing combination of BACON and CHOCOLATE, I promptly looked to see who carried Vosges near me.

And now I'm off to stalk the candy aisle at Whole Foods for a candy bar that will make the husband cry for sheer joy and disbelief. Thanks for the perfect thing to enjoy on Halloween in our very kid-free apartment building.

[AJ]

I heart Vosges! I have not tried the bacon one but I love the sea salt and almond one. Now you have me thinking about bacon and chocolate and I am gonna have to go get a bar tomorrow at work. Damn the fact that Hannah's Bretzels sells them so close to my office.

Sign me up for the I Hate Halloween side. I did see a guy dressed up as a dead ringer for Zoolander that made me laugh but otherwise- Bah Humbug.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

That was one part of your book I adored. I, too, HATE HATE HATE Halloween. I actually blogged about it today.
I spent the day with my kids kindergarten and first grade classes.
Don't you wish you were me? *Rolls eyes*
I often wonder if I should have had kids.....and then, on Christmas Eve, I put out stuffed animals with cookie crumbs (using honey to keep the crumbs on) so my kids think their "friends" had a party with Santa.

[Jen-Again]

Mmmmm- San Marzano. Can I come trick or treat at your house? I am down to 2 cans in my cupboard and that is cutting it too close.

[spikat]

Never thought I'd witness childfree adults who didn't fill the Halloween void with adult costumes and such.

My heros! (I used to bartend and hated Halloween - try to card someone with all that makeup on.)

My upstairs neighbor left a LOT of candy and asked me to pass it out until he got home. I have been, to myself; teehee. He just better be home by the time Pushing Daisies starts.

[Karen Vogel]

You've got to wonder about those adults who dress up. But Halloween is a great kids' holiday. Don't you remember how fun it was to get all that loot and then trade it with your siblings for hours (or days?).

[Bethany]

Man, that kind of combo in a candy bar, kinda makes me ill! You should totally do what this chick over at suburban turmoil does (http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/) I believe it's a great idea for trick or treaters! (young and old!)

[Ashley]

That bacon bar may be the best effing chocolate bar ever made. I mean 2 of the best things ever in one package (chocolate..mmmm...bacon..mmmmm), GENIUS. I know they are $8, but I am fairly sure they contain some sort of crack and now I am hooked and cannot stop eating them.

[mickey]

I don't usually dress up for Halloween and I work nights, so there's no candy giving for me. However- I stayed up til 3 a.m. baking goodies for the police officers I work with. (who, honestly, are WORSE than kids when it comes to treats)The bosses let me wear me sort-of sexy witch costume in today- I wound up going home to change clothes because we couldn't get the boys to leave me alone!

So now my shift-mates and I are watching the scary movie marathon on AMC and chowing down on popcorn- Happy Halloween!

[the governor of jennsylvania]

OK, track pants are here, garbage bags are taped, perimeter is secured, and waffle fries await.

Whew!

[Kimberly]

All I have to tell you is that Target sells gorilla costumes and my husband actually purchased one. He has been scaring the ever lovin' shit out of me for days. What's worse is - I don't think he plans to put it away after the holiday. My daughters and I are all terrorized here. If I can find it, I'm burning it and I'll take a picture for you.

[DivaDivine]

I also dislike halloween. I am a school teacher and for the past two years, I was not at school on Halloween because well, I am an expert at planning days off. This year however, I couldn't dodge the bullet and I have been in a room with 15 Halloween crazed pre-teens. I now need a drink and a bag of fun size snickers to calm my nerves. I am with you Jen, Halloween blows.

[Sleepynita]

I am OK with Halloween and think the kids are pretty cute all dressed up. But BUT today I took my toddler to Costco dressed in his Monkey costume to see Granny and wile I was there I saw a grown up Minnie Mouse, a Grown up Chinese girl all afro'ed out and a adult Prostitute (pleas oh please tell me it was a costume).

Adults shouldn't be dressing up for public daytime stuff. No. Yuck. Halloween parties, sure if you wanna look dumb for all time, but daytime shopping? WTF?

[Regina]

I am on your side...I hate Halloween. I want you also know that as a Bank Teller I refuse to wear a costume. I agree with you who wants to give their check to some big gorilla?

[MIAMIJET]

i thought of bright lights today...when the already creepy bank teller was dressed up like a witch. the other lady had on a sombrero and some sort of poncho, since when is it okay to dress up as a stereotype? i am totally confused as well as distressed.

[Badger]

Okay, the real question here is: what kind of freaks are you to have HALF a Vosges bar in the house? In my house, there are either whole Vosges bars (those being the ones I don't know about because someone hid them from me) or a marked absence of Vosges bars (those being the ones I pork down my gullet in their entirety IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME). This eating half the bar and then not eating the other half? This, I do not understand.

But, you know. It takes all kinds of people to make a world.

[Rebecca]

Ahh the joys of shared custody! I got the joys of baking a hundred cupcakes and ghost cakes last night. And now tonight while dad is forced to buy a costume, walk the neighborhood, and all that jazz...I'll be in NYC drinking and eating till it's November!! (And then perhaps continuing since it's your birthday gala week and all, not to mention my birthday is next weekend - hehehehe)

P.S. - the rolls royce of canned tomatos - that almost made me pee myself laughing - thanks fletch!

[Debby K.]

I would like to receive a can of tomatoes! Delish! But, I can't commiserate with your hatred of Halloween, because I am currently dressed as my 14-year old self from 1984 complete with blue eyeliner(Gack!) allllll the way around my eyes, frosty pink lips (double gack!!!) and a flirty pony to one side with not one, but two polo shirts on. Collars up, thank you very much! But, you are spot on with the greatest costume ever! You totally rocked!

[kygirlkris]

So, my baby is scared of his adorable pottery barn kids spider costume. (It's cute, it's not like it's a tarantula!) So? We did the same as you. No candy for kids. If my kid doesn't like Halloween, then no one else should benefit either.

[tutugirl1345]

I had actually forgotten about Halloween until lunchtime...when I ran smack dab into a life size Planter's Peanut. I was fairly pissed to have my bliss of ignorance ruined.
I say be a bitch...kids don't need candy anyway.