Bronze and Purge

Hi, my name is Jen and I'm tanorexic.

("Hi, Jen!")

It's been thirteen days, twenty-two hours, and seven minutes since I tanned last. 

(cue the applause from the crowd gathered on their metal folding chairs)

I started tanning the summer before seventh grade.  We'd moved to Indiana from New Jersey the previous year into a house with a pool. I was much more concerned that first year with mastering the front tuck off our diving board so I never really thought about tanning when we moved in.  But by the time the Summer of '79 rolled around, I noticed how the older girls in our neighborhood would don their Hang Ten tube tops, slather up in a combination of baby oil and iodine, and bronze themselves in their lawn chairs, an open Peter Frampton album covered in aluminum foil to reflect more rays.

I wanted to be just like them.

(take a bracing sip of my coffee and a drag off my cigarette)

I was awkward back then, all bony angles and frizzy hair with big glasses and a chipped front tooth that had yet to experience the magic of cosmetic dentistry.  But with a tan?  I was literally (and figuratively) golden. 

After I finished my chores (and caught that day's episode of The Price Is Right, of course) I'd head out to the pool and spend my day alternating between floating face down on a raft to get my back dark, and laying on a lawn chair with my straps pulled off my shoulders to even up my front.  I knew I'd made good progress when my nose blistered and my skin radiated heat through my clothes.  Having to use the Solarcaine my mom kept in the fridge next to my dad's extensive collection of spicy mustards was like a badge of honor.

(crowd nods, some feet shuffle)

I hated winter because I'd get so pale again.  And nothing was more depressing than when all the little hairs on my arms turned from blond back to black.  I'd heard that movie stars had special little lamps they could sit under in order to maintain their tans, but such extravagance was well outside the non-existent means of a teenager in Huntington, IN.  So I'd wait for summer, the only time I ever felt pretty in my tawny skin.  And mourn whenever I saw the ghosts of tan lines that never quite faded on my chest and back.

(swirl coffee dregs in cup)

There was no high as great as the feeling of kicking back in a lawn chair, rays beating down just hard enough to make sweat rise through my thin sheen of SPF 0 Hawaiian Tropic oil, Billy Joel playing softly from the transistor radio at my side.  I loved when it was so bright all I could see was white when I shut my eyes and faced the sun

(exhale, smoke curling around the low ceiling of this church basement)

My sun salutations went on through middle school and high school and during college, I did my best to arrange employment around my extensive tanning schedule.  Each year, I'd leave campus with skin the color of a pitcher of cream and I'd return an amber goddess.  My confidence was directly proportional to my amount of visible melanin, yet my time to shine was short-lived, gone by Halloween.

(drop cigarette in cup, light another and inhale deeply)

Then they invented the tanning bed and put them in every strip mall in America.  And you all know what that means.  What had been a one-season habit suddenly became a way of life.

(crowd murmurs sympathetically)

My best friend Carol - who used to freckle in the sun, the poor dear - would layer herself in PABA and lecture me about the damage I was doing to my skin.  "Jeni," she'd say, "Your skin is going to look like a handbag by the time you turn forty."  "Pfft," I'd reply.  "Who cares?  What's important is I look good NOW.  Plus, by the time I'm forty, not only will they be able to cure sun damage, I'll be able to take my flying car to the doctor's office.  And besides, I can stop any time I want."

(crowd laughs and exchanges weary, knowing looks)

But I couldn't stop.  Not only did I lay out whenever I could, I supplemented my burnished glow with year-round sessions at a salon, sometimes going every single day in a month.  And I knew I'd reached my goal in the pursuit of copper-colored perfection when the woman at the Bobbi Brown counter had to sell me foundation made for African American women.

Success.  Sweet, sunburned success.

Yet now I'm almost forty. 

(inhale deep and long, exhale twin plumes of smoke from my nostrils)

And I finally realize my skin looks like a handbag.  When I woke up two weeks ago and counted my age spots, I said to my splotchy reflection, "Never again."  I stopped tanning cold turkey and I sought redemption.

(bow head, holding onto sides of podium to steady self before continuing)

So I went to the Avanti Clinic on North Ave on bended knee, begging, "Please, help me.  There's hatching around my eyes, creases on my lips, and my forehead looks just like Gordon Ramsay's.  I have hyper pigmentation and discoloration, parentheses around my mouth, and elevens between my brows.  Fix me."  Kristi, the aesthetician, looked at me long and hard.  "It's not too late.  I can help you.  But you have to stop tanning or nothing I do will work."

"I will," I promised.  And I meant it.

("Amen," someone calls from the back row of the seats)

So I've started the long road to recovery with weekly microdermabrasion sessions and chemical peels.  The microdermabrasion crystals feel like being pelted with beach sand on a windy day and the burn of the harsh acid is strangely reminiscent of sunburns past.  The slight ache it causes is almost soothing.  Next week I meet with the neurologist to begin the process of injecting deadly toxins under the surface of my skin with a needle in order to lessen the creases, yet I'm not penitent. 

Rather, I feel this is my penance.

("Bring it home, sister," says the session's leader)

Still, I want to tan.  I want to be brown so badly I can taste it.  I find myself driving past Palm Beach Tan on Clybourn ten times a day, even though it's completely out of the way.  I have such an urge to hover around their doors, asking people, "So, did you try the Erogline 600 bed with the aromatherapy?  What did you think of the molded plastic seat?  Pretty comfortable, right?"  But I won't.  Because I can't. 

(take one final drag before tossing second butt in the cup) 

I guess I'm glad I've stopped tanning before the damage becomes more than just cosmetic.  But every day it's a struggle, hopefully though when I'm done paying for my new face, it will have been worth it.

(sigh loudly)

I'll say it once and I'll say it loud - I'm pale and I'm proud.  Thank you.  Thank you all for listening and for your support.  God bless.

(exit podium to applause and hugs as I take my seat)

Comments

[the governor of jennsylvania]

The final word before I close comments on this entry?

Self tanner takes finesse.

(And my wrists look filthy.)

[Julie]

I used to tan back in high school. Then the tanning salon I frequented was shut down because someone found cameras in all the beds....
Um, ew?
That was all the convincing I needed. I'll stick to fake bake in a bottle.

[Lisa]

I too am a recovering tanaholic.

I even lifeguarded my way through high school, college and grad school (screw a full time job with benefits! I want the flexability to be able to get paid for sitting in the sun all day!).

My friends swear I used an oil that had a scull and crossbones on the back of it. It was some Bananna Boat product that had "tan amplifiers" in it and a warning that there was no SPF and I slathered it on.

I turned 40 this year and I promised myself I would go to a dermatologist and get checked for skin cancer, but I'm terrified. I never did the indoor tanning thing because it just wasn't the same as laying in the sun poolside with a pitcher of lemondade and a good book for hours. And hours. And hours.

I did the spray on tan for a special event and on me wore off unevenly and I looked weird. I had one person ask me if I had "the same disease Michael Jackson has". That was the last time I spray tanned!

[stepho]

L'Oreal Sublime self-tanning lotion turns my natural deathly pallor golden in under four hours, and doesn't turn me into an oompah loompah. It comes with shimmer AND you can get it at Target.

[stepho]

L'Oreal Sublime self-tanning lotion turns my natural deathly pallor golden in under four hours, and doesn't turn me into an oompah loompah. It comes with shimmer AND you can get it at Target.

[erin]

I had melanoma, stage 2, at age 27, and i never went out in the sun. What a cruel trick that was played on me by the powers that be. I say visit a dermatologist and stay safe in the shade!

[Karina in T.O]

Oh honey! Welcome!! Welcome to the land of pale, fresh mico-peeled and exfoliated skin! I too am a recovering. For years I was a golden wanna be goddess....one of my favourite scents is that tanning salon...coconutty, creamy almost burn smell..you know the one! My fave vacation memory? Tanning my week away in Vegas, where my Kirk and I were regulars at the Imperial Palace pool for 3 hours a day, every day for a week, oiling up and drinking to our hearts content....heavenly, it was. (That of course after a good month spent in the 'Super' stand up tanning booth...ooooh, I'm going to need to post those pics to Facebook, that tan was fab!!)

But something happened when I turned 32, I made an effort to stop smoking and tanning. Aha! The 'cancer trifecta' as my friends called it was broken! I've gone for 4 glycolic peels in the last year, and quite smoking last December (well, really....I've been known to break down and have 1 ciggy a month!) But the point is....there's a certain point where we've got to take better care of ourselves! I don't want to be the dumbfuck who's responsible for giving myself skin/lung cancer!

Also, I promise, once you've grown to love your 'pale' you will balk at every fake tanned, orange skinned, tightfaced, baseball glove-like face you see!

Go to Sephora right now and buy yourself a beautiful bronzer and a pretty pink blush, and a bottle of Oil of Olay Spf 15. Your skin will love you for it! And keep wearing pink sweaters baby....they'll keep you from looking washed out.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

BTW, I got the BEST comment about this on MySpace today. A girl commended me on stopping the tanning madness and said it's a good thing - she's a cancer nurse and she does NOT want to have to wipe my butt because she's pretty sure I'd be a terrible patient.

[Lisa M]

I could have written most of that entry. You crack me up.

[Jacqueline]

I'm glad you swore off the tanning and all, but...sugar, I went to your book signing in NYC, and there's no EFFING WAY your skin looks like a handbag. I'm five years younger than you, wear sunblock daily, and have NEVER been a tanner and I feel like my face looks like a damn catcher's mitt compared to your's.

[Andre]

Is pale really in now?? Finally, I'm in style. I am a redhead with ghostly white skin. My best friend calls me Powder. (With friends like that who needs enemies?) I NEVER spent much time in the sun AT ALL. If there was 6 inches of shade, I was in it. Yet, at 23 years old, I discovered Stage Two Melanoma and was pretty darn close to having a serious situation.

Tanning beds are the devil!

If I - the girl that never ever ever sees the light of day - can get cancer....YOU CAN! Just say NO!

[SnarkyMommy fka Sprengblingbling]

I did the spraytan at Soleil on Madison in the West Loop for an entire summer and for my wedding. It looked awesome, not orange, and very realistic.

Try that place. Little more pricey, but it's worth it. I also did Mystic Tan, but this was superior.

The place is across the street and a little bit west of the Starbucks there. I think it's like a half-mile west of Halsted.

[Cyndi]

Another vote for the land of the pale (blonde, green eyes, burns easily - I'm screwed). I used to be so jealous when all of the rich kids would come back from Spring Break with beautiful, golden complexions and my radioactive legs would betray my "vacation" plans.

So, before my wedding, I tanned every single day for a month. I was radiant, the darkest I've every been. I did NOT match my ivory wedding dress!

Then, I got my wedding pictures back. You can't even tell and I still looked like a ghost next to my "owns her own tanning bed, but is starting to look like leather already at 25" bridesmaid.

I wear SPF 20 moisturizer every day now. It just wasn't worth the bother or expense.

ps Thanks for mentioning which Indiana town you're from. I spent a great deal of the book trying to figure out if you're from a larger town in IN than me. Trust me, you are.

[k8]

Methinks you should celebrate your new pasty perfection with this: http://www.localcelebrity.com/catalog/womens/view/pale_t_shirt/

It's what helped me.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Step One: Go get a Mystic Tan, like, today.

Step Two: Go to the dermatologist because you guys are freaking me the hell out.

[Sheenah]

In college I tanned all the time. Almost everyday. I tried different creams, beds, all that stuff. It helped that a friend of mine worked at my favorite, yet pricey, salon. But then I noticed a picture that was taken at Christmastime. My friends we all normal colors, still slightly tan (I live in Florida) and there I was, standing next to them, an Oompa Loompa. After that, I stopped using creams. Eventually, I realized that I am pale naturally and maybe, just maybe I should embrace it. So that is what I am doing. Embracing the pale.

[Wendy]

I'm so glad you stopped!! Remember when you asked me what wrinkle cream I used because I didn't have many of them? It's because I avoid the sun, not because of a cream. When I want a little color on my scary white legs I use the build a tan lotion or the kind that's mixed into regular moisturizer. It's enough to keep from blinding people. And remember, your little Ellie is fair skinned and beautiful!

[tia]

Mystic is hit or miss. But as a cosmetologist , I will tell you that airbrush tan is the way to go, because it's actually a PERSON spraying you rather than a machine, so your skin is covered much more evenly and you don't get blotchy. At my salon the person who does it charges $40 I believe.

Exfoliation beforehand is really important and airbrush also lasts only a few days but it is worth it right before, say, a book signing or something?

Just sayin'.

[Jessica]

I completely feel your pain, sister.

[Jen]

I'll add another vote for Mystic. I get it done at that Palm Beach Tan on Clybourn. "Level two, no bronzer" is my cocktail of choice. I've found that it's the bronzer that makes you orange. I'm naturally very fair, and the Mystic looks totally natural and pretty on me. Give it a shot!

[blu_canary]

Alabaster. Not pale. Not fish-belly white. A beautiful creamy alabaster! And an SPF so strong even my children won't be able to tan.

Let's hear it for untanable (nontanable? intanable? whatever) women and the tan-reformed!

[Jenni]

I have incredibly pale skin. I'm 23 years old and went tanning throughout high school and college. I just had a skin biopsy and found out I have pre-cancerous cells on my leg from a sunspot. No one my age should have any sunspots or pre-cancerous cells. I've pretty much sworn off all tropical vacations without a bottle of SPF 75 in my hands.

So please go to a derm and get that checked out, just in case. It's better to be safe than sorry. And embrace the pale! I did and I'm glad.

[samantha]

I'm a long time freckler. I gave up on the tan thing early on. Back in the day I would sit on the beach draped in gauzy cover ups and huge beach hats with spf 45 slathered over every exposed body part with a spritz bottle of water to stay cool. My tan friends would ask me what the hell I was doing and I'd always say "I'm working on my pale" FINALLY!!!!!!! Pale is the new tan!

[Greta Hudson Honsberger]

Well, let me tell you about pathetic. I bid on a gym usage for the sheer fact that they have a tanning bed, so get this: I paid $10 for the 3 month unlimited gym membership. My ultimate goal was to merely tan. What a deal. Work out? huh? Whatever- and for the record, tanned fat is much more appealing than pale fat. So, when my membership runs out - who cares; I will think about that then.

[Greta Hudson Honsberger]

Well, let me tell you about pathetic. I bid on a gym usage for the sheer fact that they have a tanning bed, so get this: I paid $10 for the 3 month unlimited gym membership. My ultimate goal was to merely tan. What a deal. Work out? huh? Whatever- and for the record, tanned fat is much more appealing than pale fat. So, when my membership runs out - who cares; I will think about that then.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

I prefer the pasty white office glow...but if you go the Mystic Tan route...be sure you wax your upper lip before going because I have seen too many orange mustaches running around.

My dermatologists office does airbrush tans...which look better.

[TheOtherJen]

I am about as pale as they come. If it weren't for the freckles I'd be transparent.
I always wanted to tan, so the blistering, peeling shoulders were never a deterrent. I at least hoped the freckles would all just run together, thereby giving me a tan. Nope. Then I read that your chance of skin cancer goes up hugely with every blistering burn you got before age 18 or something. That stopped me cold.
So now I'm 38 and paranoid that any day now I'll come down with the cancer and have to have surgery and be horribly disfigured. Now I'm the girl with SPF 50 sitting in the shade with long sleeves and a hat on. Cute, yes?
Pale IS the new tan - embrace it!

[Kari]

If you aren't the Mystic tanning kind of girl, my only other suggestion would be regular exfoliation which gives you a glow no one can resist.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

I never had a chance to get addicted. I was whitebread all the way. I never had a tan in my life. It's burn/peel/burn/peel.
But, being a fabulous codependent, is there anything I can do to help? *twists fingers together and stares at Jen earnestly*

[Kathy]

Hi. My name is Kathy. I am thirty four and I'm also addicted to... no. Stop.

Still in denial.

But Melissa, thanks for the tip. Dove Energy Glow. I must check that out.

Good Luck and Happy Peeling, Jen!

[Melissa]

I too am born pale and wish to be golden. The new Dove tanning lotions have saved me. I was skeptical but gave it a try and they rock. Now my whole pale family uses it. You don't have to exfoliate or worry about being orange, it really does work gradually so if you miss a spot one day you don't look like a freak. You can order a free sample off dove.com (it is called Energy Glow) and in Chicago they sell a bucket of it for cheap at the Costco on Damen.

[Carey]

F*#k the Mystic Tan. Embrace the pale! Or shall I say... Porcelain.

I have been fair-skinned my entire life and used to cry on spring break when all of my blond-haired girlfriends baked in the sun. Porcelain is classy and graceful. If you take good care, your paleness will be more radiant than bronzer. I rock SPF 55 during the summer-time and get stopped on the street all the time with compliments about my skin.

Plus I'll never look like a handbag (or football). I am pale, hear me roar.

[Becca]

I have done Mystic Tan many times and I have never looked orange. I think if you go too many times in a row that could happen. But if you go to a decent place is looks very natural. Now the tan-in-a-can? That looks orange!

[Sarah]

Mystic looks natural?

seriously...

have you seen Paris Hilton lately? all kinds of orange.

no, no...we do not want to look like Donatella Versace...

tanning is over!

can someone else please tell that to my mother?

[Becca]

Mystic tan is really only good when you have a special occasion coming up because it only lasts about 4 days and is pretty expensive. It does look really natural though. I have always been nervous to do the self-tanners because I am sure I will turn orange but I think there are some really good ones out there now.

[Heather]

SELF-TAN! SELF-TAN! SELF-TAN!!!!
Even the Hasselhock and the rest of the team on Baywatch were never in the natural sun, only when they were shooting a scene. They sat under umbrellas and waited for their curtain calls.
Make sure you exfoliate before you smear it on. Best place to apply it is in the shower. I speak from experience. I am a former Lancome counter manager in Alaska.

[Patty Duke]

Good for you Jen! You know, you can still go outside and lay on the beach, just make sure you wear spf 1000. That should do it.
Oh, and completely unrelated to tanning, but I am absolutely ADDICTED to Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey. AND, they have both the British version and the American verision. The main difference is that they don't bleep out "shit" in the British version. And some of them don't have very good teeth.

[Patty Duke]

Good for you Jen! You know, you can still go outside and lay on the beach, just make sure you wear spf 1000. That should do it.
Oh, and completely unrelated to tanning, but I am absolutely ADDICTED to Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey. AND, they have both the British version and the American verision. The main difference is that they don't bleep out "shit" in the British version. And some of them don't have very good teeth.

[Susanna]

Congratulations! The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and all of that happy horsehit.

The Fraxel Laser is quite lovely (and quite pricey) and you're quite worth it. You and your skin are very much worth it!

You may find yourself one day being one of those people who applies wide-spectrum sunblock to the backs of her hands, neck and ears (as well as her face) and feels very smug doing so.

I applaud you.

[Megan from NC]

I've been very lucky to not be a tan-aholic. I have a bit of the olive skin so maybe it's never bothered me. I'm also lucky because at 33 I'm still getting carded for to buy a lottery ticket; you have to be at least 18. But I'm not bragging or anything!!!

[DG's World]

You just described my teenage years. I could NOT get dark enough. I gave up tanning a few years ago when I realized that my skin looked like a dot to dot maze.

Check out Photo Rejuvenation (Laser IPL) with your dermatologist. I did a round of 5 treatments four years ago and it was magical! All of my nasty age spots disappeared. I go once a year for a follow up treatment. I'm 37, and my skin looks better now than it did when I was 33. I live in PA - the cost here was about $400 per treatment.

Good luck! I feel your pain!

[Rebecca]

I've always wanted to try those tanning salons. However I'm naturally olive skin so my pale is most people's base tan, and I've always thought that if I did the fake tan I'd end up looking like an oompa loompa. Good luck with your weekly treatments!!!!

[Sherry]

I'm pretty sure we had the same childhood. It was move to Florida that cured me. A year there my skin started to look terrible -- must have been all day Saturday and Sunday at the beach, supplemented by tanning salons during the week.
My solution: Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar tanning cream. Love it!

[Sils]

I have to say, I never tanned because I was the only one in my family born without an olive skin tone -- I couldn't tan, I merely burst into flames when outdoors for more than 10 minutes without spf 45.

That said, I look at my sisters and my mom now and I'm pretty pleased with myself and my pale skin.

Also, I turn 30 in February and I'm starting to notice fine lines around my eyes. I just moved to the desert and I invested in 2 new (additional) moisturizers for my face and have started drinking about 60oz of water a day... and I may have bought humidifiers for every room of my new apartment and my office. I'm not paranoid at all.

[DCGirl]

OMG. I used to tan all the time when I was in college in Illinois...but EVERYONE did. My friend sally has been tanning at least 5 times a week for the past 6 years and nothing can be done to help her.

As a naturally fair skinned freckled person the only way I can get any decent color. I've promised that I will tan just for my wedding this summer and that's it and nothing until then. So far so good.

[Megan from NC]

Pale is the new tan!!!

[tutugirl1345]

First of all, two words: Mystic Tan. Or, if you want something more contoured, airbrush tanning.
Secondly, have you gone to a dermatologist yet? You should get someone to look you over for suspicious spots...

[the governor of jennsylvania]

P.S. I was wrong about the flying cars. And that really sucks.