Bronze and Purge

Hi, my name is Jen and I'm tanorexic.

("Hi, Jen!")

It's been thirteen days, twenty-two hours, and seven minutes since I tanned last. 

(cue the applause from the crowd gathered on their metal folding chairs)

I started tanning the summer before seventh grade.  We'd moved to Indiana from New Jersey the previous year into a house with a pool. I was much more concerned that first year with mastering the front tuck off our diving board so I never really thought about tanning when we moved in.  But by the time the Summer of '79 rolled around, I noticed how the older girls in our neighborhood would don their Hang Ten tube tops, slather up in a combination of baby oil and iodine, and bronze themselves in their lawn chairs, an open Peter Frampton album covered in aluminum foil to reflect more rays.

I wanted to be just like them.

(take a bracing sip of my coffee and a drag off my cigarette)

I was awkward back then, all bony angles and frizzy hair with big glasses and a chipped front tooth that had yet to experience the magic of cosmetic dentistry.  But with a tan?  I was literally (and figuratively) golden. 

After I finished my chores (and caught that day's episode of The Price Is Right, of course) I'd head out to the pool and spend my day alternating between floating face down on a raft to get my back dark, and laying on a lawn chair with my straps pulled off my shoulders to even up my front.  I knew I'd made good progress when my nose blistered and my skin radiated heat through my clothes.  Having to use the Solarcaine my mom kept in the fridge next to my dad's extensive collection of spicy mustards was like a badge of honor.

(crowd nods, some feet shuffle)

I hated winter because I'd get so pale again.  And nothing was more depressing than when all the little hairs on my arms turned from blond back to black.  I'd heard that movie stars had special little lamps they could sit under in order to maintain their tans, but such extravagance was well outside the non-existent means of a teenager in Huntington, IN.  So I'd wait for summer, the only time I ever felt pretty in my tawny skin.  And mourn whenever I saw the ghosts of tan lines that never quite faded on my chest and back.

(swirl coffee dregs in cup)

There was no high as great as the feeling of kicking back in a lawn chair, rays beating down just hard enough to make sweat rise through my thin sheen of SPF 0 Hawaiian Tropic oil, Billy Joel playing softly from the transistor radio at my side.  I loved when it was so bright all I could see was white when I shut my eyes and faced the sun

(exhale, smoke curling around the low ceiling of this church basement)

My sun salutations went on through middle school and high school and during college, I did my best to arrange employment around my extensive tanning schedule.  Each year, I'd leave campus with skin the color of a pitcher of cream and I'd return an amber goddess.  My confidence was directly proportional to my amount of visible melanin, yet my time to shine was short-lived, gone by Halloween.

(drop cigarette in cup, light another and inhale deeply)

Then they invented the tanning bed and put them in every strip mall in America.  And you all know what that means.  What had been a one-season habit suddenly became a way of life.

(crowd murmurs sympathetically)

My best friend Carol - who used to freckle in the sun, the poor dear - would layer herself in PABA and lecture me about the damage I was doing to my skin.  "Jeni," she'd say, "Your skin is going to look like a handbag by the time you turn forty."  "Pfft," I'd reply.  "Who cares?  What's important is I look good NOW.  Plus, by the time I'm forty, not only will they be able to cure sun damage, I'll be able to take my flying car to the doctor's office.  And besides, I can stop any time I want."

(crowd laughs and exchanges weary, knowing looks)

But I couldn't stop.  Not only did I lay out whenever I could, I supplemented my burnished glow with year-round sessions at a salon, sometimes going every single day in a month.  And I knew I'd reached my goal in the pursuit of copper-colored perfection when the woman at the Bobbi Brown counter had to sell me foundation made for African American women.

Success.  Sweet, sunburned success.

Yet now I'm almost forty. 

(inhale deep and long, exhale twin plumes of smoke from my nostrils)

And I finally realize my skin looks like a handbag.  When I woke up two weeks ago and counted my age spots, I said to my splotchy reflection, "Never again."  I stopped tanning cold turkey and I sought redemption.

(bow head, holding onto sides of podium to steady self before continuing)

So I went to the Avanti Clinic on North Ave on bended knee, begging, "Please, help me.  There's hatching around my eyes, creases on my lips, and my forehead looks just like Gordon Ramsay's.  I have hyper pigmentation and discoloration, parentheses around my mouth, and elevens between my brows.  Fix me."  Kristi, the aesthetician, looked at me long and hard.  "It's not too late.  I can help you.  But you have to stop tanning or nothing I do will work."

"I will," I promised.  And I meant it.

("Amen," someone calls from the back row of the seats)

So I've started the long road to recovery with weekly microdermabrasion sessions and chemical peels.  The microdermabrasion crystals feel like being pelted with beach sand on a windy day and the burn of the harsh acid is strangely reminiscent of sunburns past.  The slight ache it causes is almost soothing.  Next week I meet with the neurologist to begin the process of injecting deadly toxins under the surface of my skin with a needle in order to lessen the creases, yet I'm not penitent. 

Rather, I feel this is my penance.

("Bring it home, sister," says the session's leader)

Still, I want to tan.  I want to be brown so badly I can taste it.  I find myself driving past Palm Beach Tan on Clybourn ten times a day, even though it's completely out of the way.  I have such an urge to hover around their doors, asking people, "So, did you try the Erogline 600 bed with the aromatherapy?  What did you think of the molded plastic seat?  Pretty comfortable, right?"  But I won't.  Because I can't. 

(take one final drag before tossing second butt in the cup) 

I guess I'm glad I've stopped tanning before the damage becomes more than just cosmetic.  But every day it's a struggle, hopefully though when I'm done paying for my new face, it will have been worth it.

(sigh loudly)

I'll say it once and I'll say it loud - I'm pale and I'm proud.  Thank you.  Thank you all for listening and for your support.  God bless.

(exit podium to applause and hugs as I take my seat)

Comments

[the governor of jennsylvania]

P.S. I was wrong about the flying cars. And that really sucks.

[tutugirl1345]

First of all, two words: Mystic Tan. Or, if you want something more contoured, airbrush tanning.
Secondly, have you gone to a dermatologist yet? You should get someone to look you over for suspicious spots...

[Megan from NC]

Pale is the new tan!!!

[DCGirl]

OMG. I used to tan all the time when I was in college in Illinois...but EVERYONE did. My friend sally has been tanning at least 5 times a week for the past 6 years and nothing can be done to help her.

As a naturally fair skinned freckled person the only way I can get any decent color. I've promised that I will tan just for my wedding this summer and that's it and nothing until then. So far so good.

[Sils]

I have to say, I never tanned because I was the only one in my family born without an olive skin tone -- I couldn't tan, I merely burst into flames when outdoors for more than 10 minutes without spf 45.

That said, I look at my sisters and my mom now and I'm pretty pleased with myself and my pale skin.

Also, I turn 30 in February and I'm starting to notice fine lines around my eyes. I just moved to the desert and I invested in 2 new (additional) moisturizers for my face and have started drinking about 60oz of water a day... and I may have bought humidifiers for every room of my new apartment and my office. I'm not paranoid at all.

[Sherry]

I'm pretty sure we had the same childhood. It was move to Florida that cured me. A year there my skin started to look terrible -- must have been all day Saturday and Sunday at the beach, supplemented by tanning salons during the week.
My solution: Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar tanning cream. Love it!

[Rebecca]

I've always wanted to try those tanning salons. However I'm naturally olive skin so my pale is most people's base tan, and I've always thought that if I did the fake tan I'd end up looking like an oompa loompa. Good luck with your weekly treatments!!!!

[DG's World]

You just described my teenage years. I could NOT get dark enough. I gave up tanning a few years ago when I realized that my skin looked like a dot to dot maze.

Check out Photo Rejuvenation (Laser IPL) with your dermatologist. I did a round of 5 treatments four years ago and it was magical! All of my nasty age spots disappeared. I go once a year for a follow up treatment. I'm 37, and my skin looks better now than it did when I was 33. I live in PA - the cost here was about $400 per treatment.

Good luck! I feel your pain!

[Megan from NC]

I've been very lucky to not be a tan-aholic. I have a bit of the olive skin so maybe it's never bothered me. I'm also lucky because at 33 I'm still getting carded for to buy a lottery ticket; you have to be at least 18. But I'm not bragging or anything!!!

[Susanna]

Congratulations! The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem and all of that happy horsehit.

The Fraxel Laser is quite lovely (and quite pricey) and you're quite worth it. You and your skin are very much worth it!

You may find yourself one day being one of those people who applies wide-spectrum sunblock to the backs of her hands, neck and ears (as well as her face) and feels very smug doing so.

I applaud you.

[Patty Duke]

Good for you Jen! You know, you can still go outside and lay on the beach, just make sure you wear spf 1000. That should do it.
Oh, and completely unrelated to tanning, but I am absolutely ADDICTED to Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey. AND, they have both the British version and the American verision. The main difference is that they don't bleep out "shit" in the British version. And some of them don't have very good teeth.

[Patty Duke]

Good for you Jen! You know, you can still go outside and lay on the beach, just make sure you wear spf 1000. That should do it.
Oh, and completely unrelated to tanning, but I am absolutely ADDICTED to Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey. AND, they have both the British version and the American verision. The main difference is that they don't bleep out "shit" in the British version. And some of them don't have very good teeth.

[Heather]

SELF-TAN! SELF-TAN! SELF-TAN!!!!
Even the Hasselhock and the rest of the team on Baywatch were never in the natural sun, only when they were shooting a scene. They sat under umbrellas and waited for their curtain calls.
Make sure you exfoliate before you smear it on. Best place to apply it is in the shower. I speak from experience. I am a former Lancome counter manager in Alaska.

[Becca]

Mystic tan is really only good when you have a special occasion coming up because it only lasts about 4 days and is pretty expensive. It does look really natural though. I have always been nervous to do the self-tanners because I am sure I will turn orange but I think there are some really good ones out there now.

[Sarah]

Mystic looks natural?

seriously...

have you seen Paris Hilton lately? all kinds of orange.

no, no...we do not want to look like Donatella Versace...

tanning is over!

can someone else please tell that to my mother?

[Becca]

I have done Mystic Tan many times and I have never looked orange. I think if you go too many times in a row that could happen. But if you go to a decent place is looks very natural. Now the tan-in-a-can? That looks orange!

[Carey]

F*#k the Mystic Tan. Embrace the pale! Or shall I say... Porcelain.

I have been fair-skinned my entire life and used to cry on spring break when all of my blond-haired girlfriends baked in the sun. Porcelain is classy and graceful. If you take good care, your paleness will be more radiant than bronzer. I rock SPF 55 during the summer-time and get stopped on the street all the time with compliments about my skin.

Plus I'll never look like a handbag (or football). I am pale, hear me roar.

[Melissa]

I too am born pale and wish to be golden. The new Dove tanning lotions have saved me. I was skeptical but gave it a try and they rock. Now my whole pale family uses it. You don't have to exfoliate or worry about being orange, it really does work gradually so if you miss a spot one day you don't look like a freak. You can order a free sample off dove.com (it is called Energy Glow) and in Chicago they sell a bucket of it for cheap at the Costco on Damen.

[Kathy]

Hi. My name is Kathy. I am thirty four and I'm also addicted to... no. Stop.

Still in denial.

But Melissa, thanks for the tip. Dove Energy Glow. I must check that out.

Good Luck and Happy Peeling, Jen!

[Jennifer McKenzie]

I never had a chance to get addicted. I was whitebread all the way. I never had a tan in my life. It's burn/peel/burn/peel.
But, being a fabulous codependent, is there anything I can do to help? *twists fingers together and stares at Jen earnestly*

[Kari]

If you aren't the Mystic tanning kind of girl, my only other suggestion would be regular exfoliation which gives you a glow no one can resist.

[TheOtherJen]

I am about as pale as they come. If it weren't for the freckles I'd be transparent.
I always wanted to tan, so the blistering, peeling shoulders were never a deterrent. I at least hoped the freckles would all just run together, thereby giving me a tan. Nope. Then I read that your chance of skin cancer goes up hugely with every blistering burn you got before age 18 or something. That stopped me cold.
So now I'm 38 and paranoid that any day now I'll come down with the cancer and have to have surgery and be horribly disfigured. Now I'm the girl with SPF 50 sitting in the shade with long sleeves and a hat on. Cute, yes?
Pale IS the new tan - embrace it!

[TheBabblingHousewife]

I prefer the pasty white office glow...but if you go the Mystic Tan route...be sure you wax your upper lip before going because I have seen too many orange mustaches running around.

My dermatologists office does airbrush tans...which look better.

[Greta Hudson Honsberger]

Well, let me tell you about pathetic. I bid on a gym usage for the sheer fact that they have a tanning bed, so get this: I paid $10 for the 3 month unlimited gym membership. My ultimate goal was to merely tan. What a deal. Work out? huh? Whatever- and for the record, tanned fat is much more appealing than pale fat. So, when my membership runs out - who cares; I will think about that then.

[Greta Hudson Honsberger]

Well, let me tell you about pathetic. I bid on a gym usage for the sheer fact that they have a tanning bed, so get this: I paid $10 for the 3 month unlimited gym membership. My ultimate goal was to merely tan. What a deal. Work out? huh? Whatever- and for the record, tanned fat is much more appealing than pale fat. So, when my membership runs out - who cares; I will think about that then.