If I Don't Have Time Later, This May Count as Today's Post

For those of you keeping track at home, the score is now...

SELF-TANNER - 2

JEN - 0

Please be on the lookout for my next book, Orange Is the New Black.

"Just add pearls, profanity, and a popped collar."

Comments

[Cheryl]

I have tried tons of self tanning products and I love Clarins Tanning Gel. Its the best. No orange, just tan. Just make sure you put some lotion on your knees, elbows and hands before you apply the tanning gel and make sure you wash your hands really good after you apply it. Do not overapply. I think if you ask and if they have any, you can get a sample of this stuff. I highly recommend it and I've been using it for at least 3 years now.

[Shannon]

Too Faced's Tanning Bed in a Tube not only smells like a Pina Colada (and it seriously does otherwise I would stop using it because I HATE the smell of self tanners), has a slight shimmer to it but it makes you look TAN.
Not orange.
And it won't make your lips look like you just got punched.

Try it. You'll like it.

[amy]

Oh, self-tanner, how I loathe thee.

Best one I've ever tried is -- by far -- the Clarins Radiance-Plus Self Tanning Body Lotion. [Yes, I copied that directly from the website where I buy it.] I began using it about a year ago when I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and I haven't used anything else since. Probably because I'm too terrified to go back to chancing it with other brands... good luck!!

[Emmey]

If you are as fair as I am, mystic tanning sometimes does not go on as evenly...every smudge or uneven part shows up...ALOT. find someone that does it by hand. You will be surprised. I found a woman that does it out of her house, and doesnt charge much at all. It looks perfect and she uses something that looks like the airbrush guns nail salons use when u get a french manicure. Whatever is in the spray interacts with ur skin pigment to give you a natural looking tan. I never look orange and dont get skin damage! u just exfoliate and shower before you go. Oh and DO NOT put on any moisturizer or anything on ur skin. it blocks it from absorbing.

[Karina in T.O]

Did I ever mention I was once asked by a complete stranger at a bus stop if "I was sick" 'cause I was yellow?? Uhm, yeah the jaundice look is so not in! Ever since that incident and after trying at least a dozen different brands I've simply given up.

Bronser, some blush....thats the ticket sister! But good luck on your quest none the less, look forward to your review of how the spray tan went.

Although speaking as someone who hates to undress in front of my man, much less a stranger, I can't even imagine the humiliation of standing around in my gitch having a stranger spray paint me! Oye!

[landis]

hon,
kiehl's self tanner.

brown, not orange. little pricey. but no restalyne injection. trust me.

[landis]

hon,
kiehl's self tanner.

brown, not orange. little pricey. but no restalyne injection. trust me.

[landis]

hon,
kiehl's self tanner.

brown, not orange. little pricey. but no restalyne injection. trust me.

[landis]

hon,
kiehl's self tanner.

brown, not orange. little pricey. but no restalyne injection. trust me.

[landis]

hon,
kiehl's self tanner.

brown, not orange. little pricey. but no restalyne injection. trust me.

[Pat]

I second the BE Faux Tan. I got a giant bottle this summer in a QVC kit that I will never get around to using since I'm lazy and don't do it too often. All yours if you want to try it.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

Oompah Loompah Doopadeedoo! Here is another lesson for you.
Oompah Loompah Doopadeedoe! Self tanning shit give you a glow.
What do you get when you miss that dark shine
And try every product, try every line.
You get day glow orange skin!

Oopah Loompah Doopadeedee! If you are smart you'll listen to me.
Give a shot at pastiness too like the oopah loompah Doopadeedo.

Sorry. I just couldn't resist. It was that picture. Ahhhhh my eyes. NO Ooompah Loopah men in the morning.

[Denise]

Thanks to a neurotic and over inflated fear of looking old that surfaced around 30, I have sworn off sun worshipping and tanning. Several friends and family with skin cancer knocked the rest of it out of my system. As I am rather pasty naturally, I have spent the last couple years in a quest for the perfect tanner. I feel as though a bronzed me is a much prettier and thinner looking me. Bronzed cellulite just doesn't seem as horrifying as the white kind does. Kind of like a raw chicken, all white and bumpy, then you slather it with butter and cook it where it then emerges from the oven looking brown and crispy and oh so yummy. Anyway...

My personal favorite is the Neutrogena Instant Bronze Sunless Tanner and Bronzer in One Foam. There is also an Instant Bronze Sunless Tanner for face although not a foam. The foam is so light and doesn't make you feel that you have just slathered your body in something that is sealing off all air to your cells. The smell is pretty light too. Best part is that you get an instant bronze while the rest of the color develops. This is also helpful to see where you have applied. I exfoliate and then moisturize with a light lotion moisturizer. Works every time.

[dodim]

The Mystic looks real. Get the medium, not the dark, and have one of the salon people help you through the hands, feet, elbows, and knees issues. (You know, because they are trained professionals even if they are only 16.) The SMELL of the Mystic, on the other hand, is troubling. It was only after my second shower that I stopped sniffing the air around me and thinking, "Holy God, what is that smell??"

Why can they make a self tanner that isn't stinky?

Sorry you're orange. Bet Fletch thinks its fun!

[Kat]

Jenn!!!! The absolute BEST self-tanner is by Arbonne, its a spray, goes on without streaking and has the BEST natural look to it (doesn't smell to bad either). I have never tried the Bare Essentuals tan, but love their products too. But I never received more compliments than when I used the Arbonne tanner. Forget OTC....this one is too important!

[trish]

Neutrogena's tan in a can is pretty great, and sprays in a super fine mist, which is great for eliminating smear marks and yellow palms. Much cheaper than Lauder, and looks way more natural. See you on the brown side!

[Suzanne]

I've sworn off the self tanners and will accept my (in Florida, no less) neon white skin.

The first time I succumbed, it was to Sudden Tan. They suckered in one of my older sisters with the "Got a minute? Get a tan".

Well, the 8 year old me didn't quite grasp the nuances of 'it takes a while for results to appear'. I made the Oompa Loompa look like a pale orange when I was done. It took WEEKS to fade. Thankfully, this occurred in summer and was gone by the time school started.

Twenty some years later, I was a store manager for a retailer who added a self tanner to our product line. The other two managers working with me that day thought it'd be great for the pale girl to see how the stuff works.

I decided to put it on one of my forearms for a before and after. A half hour later, nothing had happened. The instructions had said 15 minutes. So, out came the bottle again and I put another, more generous layer on my arm.

Ten minutes later, I had a George Hamilton dark tan. On ONE arm. It looked great a week later when I went to a regional conference and had to wear a long sleeve shirt. My district manager decided to have me come up and show how well the new product worked.

Too bad they don't still make it. I wasn't orange and the stuff made my arm noticeably darker for a month.

Oompa, Loompa, doopity do, I've got another riddle for you,
"What do you get when you tan from a can?"
A girl who looks like big giant yam!

[Mary W.]

Boyfriend in the picture needs to do something about the bright white unibrow, too...

[Carla]

The Jergens stuff? Crap. And it makes you smell like beef jerky. It's not pleasant at all and it's just insult to injury that I'm fat, orange and smell like I've spent the majority of my day snapping into a Slim Jim (or fifty).

[Ang]

Jen...hope we get to hear about your mist tan experience. I'm a fake-bake girl with this year being my LAST lying in the bed crisping up. I have compiled a short list of locations her in Chicago that offer "Fantasy Tan" where a tech sprays you, as opposed to the "Mystic Tan" which is a machine. I'd be interested in hearing which kind of spray tan you did...

[Kara]

The Bobbi Brown self tanner is the best one I've ever tried. I've Mystic tanned too and that's okay.

[Beej]

I tried the Vaseline Natural Glow stuff. It looked good, but it smelled funny. I started to notice that I smelled like I had just eaten in a greasy spoon diner. I think I will give the Jergens stuff a try, though.

[Marina]

Try Lancome---at least for your face. I'm an expert at self tanning. Do a clay face mask first and then the tanner.

For my body if I'm feeling cheap I use Bain de Soleil and Jergens.

But Lancome is the best followed by Clarins.

Estee Lauder---ick.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Lys]

I'm irish and paler than Casper the flippin' Ghost so I swear by Bare Escentuals Faux Tan... just go easy on the stuff.

[Laura]

I hope the Mystic Tan can cover orange... I want to hear about the results!!

[Sarah (the usual one.)]

fake tan and mystic tan are the devil.

though my mother swears by the jergen's glow crap...at this point she still looks like this: http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2005/12/01/WWA2_gallery__294x400.jpg

which is to say (and reitereate my first point) fake tan and mystic tan are evil.

Embrace the pastiness. Join the club.

[Vicky]

Ok. Yes, Dove Energy Glow works. I use it myself. Arbonne self-tanner works too but it's a spray and that can be daunting. The best? ORLANE. At $110 a pop it is pricey but it takes you back to Neimans or at least to their website and you girl will look glowy and as if you just got back from the islands.

Not into Orlane. Try Chanel. Perfumey yes but it works wonders too.

As a person with a skin cancer scare and more stick to finding a good self tanner or spray tan.

[Lisa Johnson]

I am a dark skinned gal and have always loved my bronzed skin UNTIL 40. Damn! that old age jumps in fast. After having spent a good chunk of change getting my face lasered and trips to the dermotologist for the first time in my life, I've embraced the new pale me. Just don't know how I'm going to handle Aruba. Maybe wearing a chic mumu and big floppy hat?

[Heather]

I always do everything wrong the first three times I try something. After being uneven and orange streaked at first, I learned to add moisturizer to the self-tan, so it wasn't as potent and mistakes weren't as noticable while I got the system down.

[Ron]

Hi Jen~

First time visiting. GREAT blog!!!! I only laughed about 100 times!

When I lived in Florida, I use to tan outdoors, tan at a salon, AND use self-tanner!! Now that I'm back in the North-East again...I look like Casper!

Oh well..."Goth" is in!

I'll be back often.

[Cathy D.]

Start with Jergens Natural Glow light. Apply it once a day for three days, then twice a day until the tube is gone. Then bump up to medium, apply once a day for three days,then twice a day for as long as you want. Works like a charm.

[Rebecca]

I actually use the Dove energy glow. I'm olive skin/black hair so I use the medium. However - I learned the hard way to use it every other day. At first every day seemed good - then I noticed my feet were orange, and so were my hands - especially in between my fingers. The exact shade of umpa loompa I swear. So I eased up - and use it only every other day. Much much much better.

[Kristi]

I feel your pain about being pale. By this time of the year, what little color I allow myself to get during the summer is gone. Jergens works well for me...I am a brunette with olive skin and use the "medium" version of the lotion. However, be sure to wash your hands and wipe down your elbows and your ankles or those areas will appear "dirty" later in the day. Other than that slight inconvenience, it's a great product.

[iamlandlocked]

I'm a fan of the Hawaiian Tropic moisturizer/gradual self tanner (similar to the Jergens) for the body. I think it leaves less of that weird odor you get with self tanners and has a nice green tea fragrance. I put it on at night before bed, so it processes while I sleep, and I can correct any mistakes in the morning before I leave the house. I have to say, it is very gradual (warning: you're not going to be fiercely bronzed), so I really haven't had issues with excess tanner. Just make sure you wash your hands well, especially under the nails, after you apply it, or wear fine disposable gloves (you can buy them in the housecleaning aisle by the heavy rubber gloves). I then take a cotton ball soaked with a little tanning lotion and gently dab the backs of my hands, so they blend with the rest of me, making sure to blend where the skin is naturally less pigmented.

Before visiting my sisters in LA, I often visit the Mystic spray-on tan booth (much less embarrassing than standing there in a paper thong having a real person spray me). Here are a few tips so you don't wind up looking like your Oompa Loompa friend in the photo:
1) Start with the lightest shade. Tell the attendant this, because they often think people want to go darker.
2) Take extra towels into the booth.
3) Pay close attention to the directions in the video.
4) Use a TON of blocking lotion on the palms of your hands, between your fingers and toes, under the nails, and around the edge of your feet.
5) Brace yourself, it will be COLD, and you will have to hold your breath. I pretend I'm rescuing a drowning victim in Lake Michigan.
6) When you towel off, start at the top and work your way down, dabbing, rather than rubbing hard. As you finish an area, drop the towel and start with a fresh one, so you don't get lotion on the palms of your hands. I always put a towel under my feet to catch drips.
7) Wear old clothes, it will rub off a little until you shower.
8) Ideally, give yourself a day before a trip or big event, to get rid of odor and excess bronzer, and to touch up any mistakes.
9) Watch out for clothes that rub too much, whites that can't be bleached, and long soaks that make you exfoliate your new tan too quickly.

I cannot "embrace the pale" any more than you can. I'm Irish, and my skin looks like uncooked poultry flesh when it's not tanned--there is no porcelain gene in my pool.

Okay, I can't spend all day being your lifestyle guru, so back to work...Good luck!

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Uncle, I give in. I'm learning I can do without the cancer, but can't do without the color. I'm doing a professional mist tan later today and HOPEFULLY it will occur without incident...

[DCGirl]

I am no good with doing the creams - I put on too much or too little and it looks weird. The one I have had luck with is L'Oreal Sublime Bronze which is pretty good but I make my boyfriend apply it to my back with rubber gloves on, which is wicked fun for him. Personally, I like Mystic Tan but the hands and feet can be tricky. Oh, and do not wear a white shirt when going to a bbq or baseball game in the middle of summer. You will sweat the stuff out and it ain't pretty.

[Carey]

There is only one solution...embrace the pale!!

Porcelain ALWAYS looks better than orange.

[Liz K]

If tanning is this important to you- then just spring for a mystic tan once a week. Its $20-40 a treatment depending where you go but it looks natural and its completely even over your entire body. Plus the whole process takes less than a minute. I get one everytime I have an important event and people think its a genuine tan.

Otherwise, the best OTC thing you can get is the L'oreal tanning wipes. Use one every three or so days, and exoliate really really well with a good sugar scrub (The Body Shop has a great, but pricey, one).

[Suzy]

Jergens Natural Glow. Comes in three shades and moisturizes at the same time. Available in drugstores. I use the medium and I'm a blonde and it makes me darker in a heartbeat. I live in LA, we have to be tanned out here. It's a state law or something.

I've tried all the high end stuff and it's the same as Jergens only cheaper. And then there's that moisturizing perk.

[tutugirl1345]

I would say the next bet is Jergen's Natural Glow, but use it every other day when you get out of the shower, and make sure to exfoliate in the shower. You can also use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide to rub away the extra orange spots.

[Kathy]

How about "Orange is the New Big Black Asymmetrical Mole"?

[the governor of jennsylvania]

And before you ask, so far I've tried Dior Bronze and Dove Energy Glow.