The Botox Diaries - Day One

Right before I finished the first draft of Such a Pretty Fat a couple of months ago, my editor and I began to talk about author photos for the back page.  The pictures on the last two books were all serious and pose-y and I decided we should do something more funny for the third.

Without going into detail and ruining some of the Pretty Fat surprises, suffice it to say there's more than one mention of Barbie dolls in the book.  Long story short, I thought it would be hysterical to have my author photo taken with a Barbie styling head.  My editor agreed and we moved on to other topics of conversation. 

What with my propensity for procrastination, instead of finishing the book after our call, I thought I'd just take some shots of myself to get a general idea of how a Barbie/Jen photograph might look.

Naturally, this was a BAD idea.

Observe:

What bothered me about this shot (other than the fact I look BATSHIT CRAZY, especially with the dogs wrestling in the background) is how awful my skin looked.  Leathery, spotty, and in need of a serious ironing.  I kept staring at this shot and thinking, oh, honey, the sun is NOT your friend.  The more I looked, the more I wanted to print out this photo and take it around to grade schools to Scare Kids Straight into Sunscreen.

Despite my heroic lack of time management, I managed to finish the book and didn't have the opportunity to dwell on what was happening above my shoulders.  Shortly after that, my manuscript came back for editing and I got immersed again in work. 

And then I finished the revisions and I found myself with nothing but time.

And a mirror.

And an approaching (SCARY) birthday.  So I sought out a solution.

And when I found out procedures like Botox and microdermabrasion cost less than a good pair of boots or one night in a nice hotel, I said SIGN. ME. UP. 

And long story short (mainly because I hope to sell it elsewhere), I had my first session of microdermabrasion last week and this evening, I got Botox. 

And, seriously? 

It was so not a big deal. 

Getting Botox was less invasive than having my teeth cleaned.  (Only, you know, with more poison.)

Apparently it takes two weeks for the Botox to "sink in," so here's me and my Gordon Ramsays (and in all my orange glory) on Day One:

"Let's get this party started."

Comments

[A Jill of All Trades (Wendy)]

I just started reading your book Bitter Is The New Black and am thoroughly enjoying it!!! I had no idea you had another book out. I was at work when I learned that you are a fellow blogger as well, so I figured I'd come stalk you for a brief moment!!!

I'll let you know what I think when I'm finished. I'll be back!! ;)

[The Red Lobster]

You are so awesome. I look forward to seeing your progression into healthy skin. You certainly have made me step back from fake baking.

[Sils]

You look totally adorable and, really, much younger in that second shot -- and it's not even done working. Way to go! (And for not going overboard, you know so that I know it can be done and have this as an option. Because it's all about me.)

[Susanna]

You already look better without the tan! We so confuse and fool ourselves into thinking that there's such a thing as a "healthy" glow whilst basting and broiling our flesh. We can achieve a nice glow with the microderm and decent diet.

You will lurve the Botox. It will give you the most sublime relaxed visage. Two weeks? Try five days.

Nice work.

[Megn]

HA! Now give it 3 months and be amazed at the horror you will feel as the Botox wears off and all those wrinkles spring back to life. Gads! I'm addicted.

And laser resurfacing? Requires at least three Xanax, because that shit is painful.

[Bunny Bunster]

I'd give you a mean and dirty look....but darn! I can't!!!
LOVE the Botox!

[Bunny Bunster]

I'd give you a mean and dirty look....but darn! I can't!!!
LOVE the Botox!

[Diva Divine]

Botox is amazing! Give it about 5 days to take full effect. My "11"'s have decreased significantly. Just be sure to use some alpha hydroxy, too! Can't wait for the next book!!

[Angela]

Any idea when the next book will be out?

Angela

[Lys]

This is exciting :) Of course I'll live vicariously because the thought of injecting anything into my skin gives me the heebie jeebies.

[mama's got moxie]

batshit crazy... that's hilarious. and if it helps, i didn't even notice the dogs wrestling in the background until you menitoned it. :)

[sweetney]

oooooh! i'll be interested to hear how this goes, seeing as i'll be hitting the 4-0 in less than two years (don't tell anyone, ok?).

[DG's World]

All hail Jen! If God didn't want you to do it, he wouldn't have invented Botox. I feel this way about all. . . er, procedures. I'm telling you, screw the microdermabrasion. Had that done and meh, not such great results. Try LASER IPL. A laser zaps your face (it feels like being slapped over and over again - refreshing!) and all of that sun damage melts away, which while I'm on the subject, I don't even see any damage on your face in the first place. Your face looks fine, honey. I had the mask of pregnancy (hormonal spots) that never went away. Laser IPL saved my life. It's also called Photo Rejuvenation. I'm 37, so in a few years, I'll be Botoxing it up with the best of 'em. Thanks for sharing!

[Kiki]

Just one question - where did you get a life-sized Barbie!? I didn't know they still made those!

AND - you look fabulous, especially now with your mystic tan. At least you didn't pull a "Ross" (Friends) - you look pretty even.

Props to the fake and bake...

[Kristabella]

I've been thinking about it more recently. Only because my tendency to have a look of "what the fuck?" all the time has caused a serious brow wrinkle.

But then people would have to stop being stupid. Otherwise it is just going to keep coming back.

[Greta Hudson Honsberger]

Always thought that plastic surgery and anything related to "cosmetic alteration" was selfish and silly. As 40 approached and I am now in full swing of 40, all that is looking better. I really need to go in for a little maintenance on the "old" body - including the face. One theory I have is that as long as I am overweight, my face will not have wrinkles, as said wrinkles are puffed up- not unlike botox? So, maybe I should stay fat. Ah, choices, choices- be fat or be wrinkled? Well, at least I would like to just see what those wrinkles might look like under that chunky (a word I have always loathed) face. So, now, I am really all for lifts, nips, tucks, and such, so bring it on!

[TXPoppet]

Botox is great when done correctly. Good for you! "Pretty Fat"? Is that the final title? Very cute!

[Shelli]

Batshit crazy -- check

Fabulous pearls -- double check!

[Kimberly]

Yeah, I'm about to tell my husband to be damned and go and get a full overhaul. Maybe I can just order a new face and get something bionic too.

[Texie]

Have I ever mentioned that you have really awesome eyebrows? The shape is just amazing. I hope they don't sag or anything when the Botox kicks in.

[Squeaky Wheel]

You know, if you pop your collar in that photo, it'd be absolutely perfect, and I'm not even kidding.

I once got botulism poisoning so badly from a bad can of tuna that the thought of injecting that same crap into my forehead makes me feel urpy all over again.

I love that look on your face in the last pic, though...you're all, "So, bitches, here's how it's gonna be."

[Jill]

Maybe your next book could be Bright Lights, Big Ass Wrinkles. Which you don't have of course, but hey, what a catchy title. Plus it goes along with some of the same words in your other titles. ;-)

Finally found your books at a Barnes & Noble. I looked at 3 Targets and 3 Barnes & Nobles. Sista, you are too popular!

From a fellow GOP'er and Pi Phi.

[Michelle]

Jen - You look AWESOME!!!! I mean it is so different from the BSC look you had going on in photo numero uno. Love the pearls (necklace and earings), though, and the Izod is too cute! Hey, did you ever get a chance to check out that website, vinyeard vines -it's www.vineyardvines.com. You would love their stuff, of this I am sure :o)

Take care,
Michelle

[the governor of jennsylvania]

BTW, did you ever see the chicks on Real Housewives at their Botox parties? They do it with a frigging turkey baster. My doctor used something the size of an accupuncture needle so chances are good I won't end up all scary and frozen.

(Please do not let these be famous last words.)