Merry Forking Christmas

First, I don't know what happened to my Christmas post.  I was fooling around with some stuff on here yesterday and I think I accidentally deleted it. 

I'm not going to recreate it, but here's a summary -

Jen and Fletch think they're all fancy because of their snappy new forks.  Thusly inspired, they attempt to recreate the entire suggested menu from last year's Fine Cooking magazine.

(But first, here are their new forks.)

(And friends.) 

(Get it?  Like a FOX and Friends pun?  No?  Just me then.)

(See?  Aren't they forking gorgeous?)

(All right, no more fork puns, promise.  Am entertaining no one but own self.)

(FYI, they're embossed with bees, which is not a fork pun, and yet seems worth mentioning.)

(OK, fine, none of this would be worth mentioning except Jen and Fletch just ended a seven-year fork-finding odyssey because SOMEONE in this house - not Jen - was obsessed with finding flatware that was sharp enough to stab pasta and ended up trying out every single piece of flatware Target and IKEA had to offer, thus wasting a shitload of money and ruining a lot of perfectly lovely spaghetti dinners with excessive whining of the non-stabby-fork variety.  So when SOMEONE - not Jen - found some forks he thought he could live with at the over-priced gourmet gadget store, Jen insisted he buy a couple of sets so they'd never run out, but he had to promise to never, ever talk about flatware again or else Jen would demonstrate the new forks' superior stabbing power.)

ANYWAY, the day before Christmas, Jen gets second thoughts on cooking her portion of the menu - a chocolate caramel macadamia nut torte.  (Or tart.  Or pie.  Jen does not know the difference and therefore claims the right to use these terms interchangeably.)  Plans are made to get up early and start on pie on Christmas Day.

Jen does not anticipate being up all night on Christmas Eve with stabby stomach pains.  (BTW, guess what Jen got for Christmas?  That's right, gall stones!  Like Jesus's version of a lump of coal in her stocking.)

(Well, that's what she's diagnosed herself with according to WebMD.  Perhaps her doctor will have a different diagnosis when he sees her next week.)

Jen gets a late start on the stupid pie in the morning.  Jen quickly discovers she didn't read past the ingredients part of the recipe.  As she begins to make the crust from scratch, she realizes she does not possess things like a "pastry paddle" or a "pie weight."  Further, she's not even sure what these things are, yet fears they may be important.

Crust number one is completed.

FAIL

Crust number two is completed.

FAIL.

The internet is consulted and she finds out how to compensate for no pie weights and pastry paddle.  (FYI, dried beans, coffee filters, hands.)

SUCCESS!! 

Except she just burned off three hours of daylight/standing rib roast cooking time.

Jen roasts macadamia nuts in the oven using specific cooking time according to Fine Cooking.

BURNT.  FAIL.

Jen swipes macadamia nuts out of candy dishes and roasts, shaving three minutes off Fine Cooking's suggestion.

BURNT.  FAIL.

Jen thinks now would be the perfect time to crack open something -pagne or -nog based, but doesn't because her stomach hurts.  Jen is out of macadamia nuts, so she improvises and roasts cashews.

BURNT.  FAIL.

Jen is hopping mad, particularly when Fletch suggests she simply roast the nuts on the stove where she can watch/control them. 

WHERE WERE YOU THREE SETS OF NUTS AGO, FORK-HEAD?

Walnuts are roasted to perfection.  At 5:30 PM.

Fletch stops heckling Jen's pie-ruining abilities for a moment and realizes he should have started to season the standing rib roast two hours earlier.  (HA!)

Panic ensues.

Fletch fools around with the roast while Jen attempts to make the pie's filling.  She needs to boil the butter, sugar, and corn syrup until it appears caramel colored but Jen screwed up and bought dark corn syrup and filling looks caramel colored from the very start.  Jen boils and whisks and mixture does not change color or consistency so she decides to taste it, not taking into account the fact that roiling, bubbling sugar-butter-syrup might be, you know, hot.

BURN. 

SCREAM.

FAIL.

Mixture is poured into pie-shell where it is supposed to firm up in fridge.

One hour passes.  Mixture not firm.

Two hours pass.  Mixture still not firm.

Three hours pass.  Mixture still pretty much liquid.  Roast not even at room temperature.

Four hours pass.  Jen melts chocolate to put on top of caramel-pie soup.  Jen tosses whole goddamned thing in freezer.  Roast now warm enough to register on meat thermometer.

Five hours pass.  Dinner is ready!  And it will still be Christmas for almost another whole hour!  Food consumed, stomach hurts, pie refuses to freeze, Fine Cooking is cursed repeatedly. 

Forks work out nicely, though.

Kitchen is cleaned, Maalox is guzzled, holiday programming is watched.  (Yes, TiVoed Gossip Girl is considered holiday programming because the Waldorfs and Van Der Wootsens were totally celebrating Christmas.)  Jen checks on pie and finds it's possibly even more fluid than when she threw it in the freezer a few hours ago.  A brief discussion takes place vis a vis whether pie filling could be sold as anti-freeze, but quickly dismissed as roasted walnuts would likely clog up windshield washer tubes.  Jen and Fletch go to sleep.

Jen wakes up in the morning and immediately goes down to check on stupid, stupid pie.  Despite freezing all night, it's still liquid. 

What?  Wait?  Did Jen just violate a law of physics here?

Jen decides to taste the damn thing and in true O'Henry fashion, has to use a SPOON to do so.

Jen decides that heated up, pie will make the world's best ice cream topping.

In short? 

FORK YOU AND YOUR HOLIDAY MENU, FINE COOKING MAGAZINE.

Next up, Jen and Fletch discover the only thing funnier than living next door to idiots is watching the idiots attempt to move...

 

Comments

[cdrobick]

I have recently found and read both of your books and I have to thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost threw up. I have sympathy for your Christmas post above as I spent my Christmas making not one, not two, but three peach cobblers courtesy of the Food Network, nearly burning the skin off of my hands while trying to transport them.

Sorry about the tummy pains.

[blackbird]

WE would kill for those forks.
WE will have to live vicariously, through you.
WE will see you in a week or so.

[blackbird]

WE would kill for those forks.
WE will have to live vicariously, through you.
WE will see you in a week or so.

[Julie]

BEST. COOKING. STORY. EVER.
The gallstones (or possibility of) suck. My husband had them stuck in his hepatic duct, so he got jaundiced so bad his eyes turned yellow...
I loved your pearls in the original posted picture, but the full (FAIL) story had me on the floor. I am going to go pre-order APF now, as previously suggested.
Thank you for bringing so much laughter to my year.

[Shelli]

I really hope you don't have gallstones. If you do have them, do not wait to have your gallbladder out. Trust me on this one.

[Wendy]

Jen-
Oh no!! Sorry about the gall stones and everything. However, your story about the foodis really funny. By the way, I love the flatware. It is really cute.

[PetitMal]

Hilarious, as always!

Girl, you need to go on the Egullet Baking & Pastry forum...those folks over there are INCREDIBLE! That entire site is addictive. The pics they post of the things they cook and bake...man. I've learned so much just by lurking!

http://forums.egullet.org/index.php?s=66ecde495de29b581080103fa701a7de&showforum=72

[Tara]

HAHA! That was great! It totally sounds like me!
I've taken to the Kraft Food & Fmaily magazine cooking now. LOL!

[The Other Jen]

Webster's Wine Bar is a place in Chicago so I'm guessing this is where they meet up for the book club. Wish I was in Chicago, it's probably a blast!

[Vanessa]

Santa wasn't being so sweet to you, hopefully the new year brings better surprises. Not relevant to the post, but how are all the pets?

[KT]

Loved the fork post! And I feel your pain with fancy kitchen gadget stores - those places are like a black hole for my wallet. Thus, I hate to say this, though: we got our Laguiole flatware at TJ Maxx on the cheap.

[ROBIN]

Fork me! This was the funniest forkin' Christmas post I've read yet! I may not be able to stop with the "fork" jokes and I have visions of chestnuts (or macadamia nuts) roasting on...well, your stove and you just made me forkin' laugh my ass off for the first time this whole miserable forking season! You rock! Fletch forks! I'm hooked! Can't wait for New Year's!!

[Poppy]

I saw the Christmas dinner post before it accidentally got deleted, and you and Fletch are our doppelgangers ... we had a standing rib roast planned for Christmas dinner, guests invited, I'm moseying around cleaning up wrapping paper at 4:00 or so, when my husband called upstairs that according to Fanny Farmer, the roast was going to take 10 hours to cook.

Whoops.

I called the guests and begged them to stay away an extra hour and a half. Then we turned the convection thingie on and nuked the shit out of that bad boy.

This proves nothing except that maybe all will be well if you're willing to uninvite guests. Which, of course, I am.

[BratGirl]

Jen - never commented before, but I'm a few months' long silent blog fan and now since Santa brought me both books (I was a good girl this year) - I'm a fan of your books too. Thanks for the laughs and for the 2 days of getting absolutely nothing done at home, but I did finish "Bitter Is the New Black" tonight: accomplishment! Now I must give some attention to my poor neglected family. Have a happy new year! Ps. Drinking + forks = accidental eye injury

[tia]

oh, to be a fly on the wall of jen and fletch's kitchen...

merry xmas!!!

[michelle]

I saw both posts and enjoyed them both but have to say this one was funnier because it included the back story and details. You did look FABULOUS in the pics from the original post! And you weren't even dressed for dinner yet! I hate baking from scratch...it rarely works out for me!! I hope the pie turned out better as the ice cream topping. Thanks again Jen for providing my daily dose of laughter...you ROCK!!!

[Bonnie]

I saw your pictures before they got deleted. The roast looked disgusting. (No offense intended.) (Although that was before it was done roasting - or whatever - and I guess it was okay that it looked gross.) (Once again, no offense intended.) You looked gorgeous, though, despite experiencing stabby stomach pains.

I hope your New Year goes much smoother!

I didn't have as eventful of a Christmas as you, but parts of mine were pretty entertaining as well. I wrote about it on my own blog:

http://babsbits.blogspot.com/

Check it out, love!

<3

[Deb]

OMG Jen I swear it's our age.....after playing the new Wii system in my underwear with my four small children (I was sweating profusely playing wii tennis)on Christmas Eve....I too was up all night with stomach pains..so sure it is because I am forty now....everything is going to hell. I knew it was not my appendix...got that removed while on vacay last summer....wtf? It's age. Hence sweating profusely while playing wii.

[Anna]

I have to say that this entry is much funnier than the original one. You had me chuckling under my breath throughout reading it, and I'm at work.
I'm sorry about the fiasco. I had canned soup and sandwiches for Christmas dinner, not because my boyfriend and I are poor, but because we are lazy and low-maintenance :-) Hope your New Years menu (whether you bake it or order it) works out better!

[Michelle]

I think this revised post is even funnier (if that's possible) than the orig.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

Now, see, I thought Fletch made you take down the picture of him. My husband hates when I put stuff of him up (something about preserving his professional integrity...whatever)

[April]

ok, don't kill the messenger! If it is gall stones you want to avoid booze, spicy things and fatty foods. I know, I know...all the things we like right? I had mine removed 10 years ago I still remember those attacks!
You'll be fine plus they will give you percocet. :)
Pee ess, sorry about you anti freeze pie.

[Amanda]

Ooh! I want to see the original picture!

You are so funny. Have a happy new year!!

[Heather]

I empathize with the Gallstones. Last year for Christmas I got a bladder infection. Not fun.

[The Muse]

As a wanna-be chef who doesn't have $40K to go to an official culinary school, I'm offering to come up next year and cook a fabulous meal for you and Fletch.

Seriously, that would be a Christmas present FOR me - I love cooking big, grandiose meals for other people!

[Jennifer McKenzie]

Gallstones SUCK BIG DONKEY ASS!!! Just sayin'
And you're cracking me up.
Your Torte story sounds like my attempts at fudge.
This year I said "Fuck the fudge".
And Yes, I dropped the "F" bomb. All that holiday careful shit is all over now. I'm back to my foul mouth self.

[Renee in Chicago]

UMMM, What is the Webster Wine Bar Book Club Allison? It sounds like something I should join as a Chick-lit lover...

I had my gallbladder out in 2003 and they do it laproscopic (sp?) so it's no biggie. Had to have it after losing weight on Weight Watchers...which I've put about 90% back on. :(

[Rebecca]

Ugh shoot me! I meant "YOUR fork puns" definitely not you're like I wrote. See what happens when the coffee ends up on the monitor instead of coursing through my system!!!!

[Rebecca]

My nice bright beautiful flat screen monitor that my boss got me for Christmas which originally smelled like a new electronic with a hint of styrofoam, now smells a lot like my rain forest nut coffee since you made me laugh so hard I kinda maybe sorta spit some out. You're fork puns were great!!! Can't wait to find out about New Years!!!

Also, have preordered SAPF - if enough of us pre-order will they release it early????

[Ginny]

Chet's Momma -- you owe $34 in late fees just on "Bright Lights, Big Ass"? They say everything's bigger in Texas and I guess that also applies to how much per day the library system charges for a late book! I think it's time to go in and negotiate how much you can pay them to reimburse for the book being "lost". I'll bet it's less than $34 and then you can keep it!

[The House and I]

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the point of the post and the rest of it was really funny and everything, but I can't get over this part from the beginning: your husband, Fletch, he wants to be able to stab SPAGHETTI?

It boggles the mind!

[Genelle]

Love the fork puns and adventures in torte/tart/pie making! I laughed so hard this time that I started doing the silent, almost pass out from lack of oxygen laugh.

[chet's momma]

ok, so i haven't YET returned "Bright Lights. Big Ass" to Dallas Public Library. I now owe $34. What does that mean, girls?

[Alison in Oregon]

Thanks again for another amusing post! And, your bad puns ARE entertaining and appreciated (at least by me!)

[Carrie]

I have to tell you, Jen, that I just finished your second book Bright Lights, Big Ass. I feel I must tell you that you have been officially deemed a literary goddess. Both of your books were so hilarious I nearly laughed myself into a set of 6-pack abs. Since I've finished reading your work, I've caught myself mentally wondering 'What would Jen do???'. I am so excited about the release of your next memoir! Keep at it, sister. You've earned yourself another faithful fan.

[Jody Yano]

Ok, so I've been trying for 10 minutes to read this to my husband, who is desperately trying to watch football, and collapse into a fit of giggle-snorts every time I get to the "Where were you three sets of nuts ago, fork-head" line. Seriously, can't get past it. Am laughing/crying even now typing it. And hubby is looking at me like I've totally lost my mind.

[Lisa]

I also read the Christmas post pre-deletion, and it was great. You should re-post the pics, at least the one of Fletch with the roast. I did a boneless prime rib for Christmas Eve dinner, which went right from the fridge into the oven. Next time try the recipe which calls for cooking the roast at 500 degrees for 5 minutes per pound, and then turning the oven off, leaving the roast in there for two hours. I was sceptical but it actually worked. Nicely. I even managed to not open the oven door (ok I had to put a note on the stove so I didn't accidentally check and ruin it).
Hope your New Year's is spectacular!

[Allison]

Jen - Allison from Webster Wine Bar Book Club here...GALLSTONES SUCK...and you probably diagnosed yourself correctly since they are often developed post-significant weight loss and/or after drastic change in diet. High fat foods will aggravate the gallstones..liquor not so much...Happy New Year!

[Ouch That Hurts]

Gallstones. Boo. Totally had them a few years ago and subsequently had to have said gallbladder removed. Not a completely horrible surgery but walking through the hospital hallway in small-town Illinois (where everyone knows your name - and pretty much everything about you) with the worlds loudest nurse screaming "IS THIS YOUR FIRST ULTRASOUND????" doesn't really help your cause when you don't have a steady boyfriend and everyone knows you like to frequent the local dive bar and get inordinantly piss drunk. And then the kicker - returning for Christmas from college obviously NOT pregnant MUST MEAN that I had an abortion.... which then becomes the talk of the town.

Wow, longest run-on story. Alas, sorry about the stones. I completely feel your pain.

[Lisa Ann]

Merry Christmas to my favorite ex-sorority girl gone bad!! Good to see the spirit of Christmas-high-jinx was visiting more than one house this year. My spirit managed to help my family prepare the diner by forgetting to TURN ON THE OVEN!! for four hours and then talk some asshat into thinking that they could make up for lost time by almost doubling the cooking temp. Did you know that stuffed lamb can explode? I didn't either. Now I do.
I however now know that I can consume my body weight in Christmas martinis and still suppress the urge to tell my aunt that no amount of Mary Kay can make whore blue eye shadow look good. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!
Looking forward to what happens New Years Eve.....

[Cologal]

I read your Christmas post and damn near peed in my pants. I continue to turn women onto your blog and they rave about how funny you are, so thank you for never disappointing. I am so relieved that someone else out there find cooking to be as difficult as I do. Damn FoodNetwork stars make it look so easy!

[Kate]

"Where were you three sets of nuts ago, fork head?" may well be the best insult ever written.

Oooh, sorry about the gallstones.

[Cathy Dee]

Isn't this why we go to our moms' for Christmas dinner?

[Meg]

Laguiole flatware is awesome!!!! It's really beautiful...and sharp. Even if it weren't though, the bees are so adorable I would still have to own it.

[Boo]

My husband barbecues a prime rib for Christmas, thus freeing up the oven. However, I am permanently volunteered for salads in our family pot-luck system because nobody trust me to cook...who needs an oven anyway? Had the same experience with a fancy pie/torte last year - same result - tasted great over ice cream. The bottom line is that you did look good in the pic and you had the self control not to start drinking while you were baking and thus there are no blackmail pictures. Happy New Year!

[sally]

Happy New Year! I love her blog smittenkitchen.com. She makes it all look easy.

[Ginny]

Yikes! It sounds like your lovely meal was a forking fiasco!!! BUT -- I saw the pics before the original post was accidentally deleted and I must tell you, even with the "drinking problem" stain on your shirt, along with your stomach pains and burnt tongue, your hair and makeup looked FABULOUS! Gourmet meals be damned -- it's how you LOOK that counts!!! ;-) (Whoever does your highlights is truly a master! AND that lipstick color looked GREAT on you!!)