Resolve THIS

Dear Everyone in the Entire Fucking Universe,

This is your last warning to stop asking me about my New Year's resolutions. 

Maybe I could understand your posing this question if we were actually acquainted.  But if your job is to, say, bag my groceries or make sure the check I deposit gets credited to my account, then this information is none of your goddamned business and is certainly not small-talk fodder.

The thing is, resolutions are rarely about what we already find kind of awesome about ourselves, like I resolve to continue to be a great parent, or I resolve to continue to visit my senile grandma in the nursing home three times a week or I resolve to keep adopting third world babies. 

(OK, maybe just Angelina Jolie on that last one.)

Point is, resolutions generally entail what we don't like about ourselves, as in I'm too fat or I'm disorganized or my spending is out of control.  Therefore, when you, a perfect stranger, ask me about my resolutions, you're basically requesting I lay all my flaws bare and I think it's incredibly rude and presumptive, especially when you're in no position to help me achieve whatever it is I resolve to do.

So, going forward, if you ask me what my New Year's resolutions are, I'm not going to give you the bullshit I resolve not to make any resolutions! answer.  Instead, I'm going to tell you this:

I resolve to be self-aware enough to spot potential problems within myself and to begin to work on them immediately, without a making a public announcement or waiting to start the improvements on an entirely arbitrary date.

Happy New Year, and yes, I do want my milk in a bag.

Best,

Jen

P.S.  Feel free to steal this quote when someone asks you about your resolutions. 

Comments

[Jamie! (may be a pseudonym depeding on your mood)]

I'm sorry you are irritated. Please let your anger pass. I miss you. And your posts.

(Ah. That's stalker-ish, right? I can't help it. You make me laugh. But please notice I didn't demand a new post of you. You are not a trained seal or dog. You are a human person with feelings. Very funny, highly entertaining feelings.)

(And probably on vacation, like me.)

(You are pretty smart, too. Not to mention flawless taste and have shiny teeth.)

(Is the flattery working yet???)

[Frankie]

I just finished reading Bitter is the New Black for uh about the 5th time. And I have to admit..I still crack up every single time I read it, to the point where I get funny looks from people.

Thank you for writing books that after only reading a couple pages make my whole day better :)

[Ms. Mickey]

Jen I want to be you when I grow up. Actually I am 6 years older than you, and considerably fatter. You give me great hope because I too am overweight, disorganized and "messy with money" (as my dear normal weight husband put it). But I am fabulous in so many ways, as are you and your fellow bloggers. Do you ever come to California? (I live in Rancho Cucamonga) Yes that is a real place. I have a neurotic terrorist male Shih Tzu (Buddy) who wears bows on each ear to match seasons and holidays. He insists he is not gay, just fancy.Buddy has his own Facebook.

[Don]

Just stopping by to say hi.
How's life been treating ya?

[Tracie]

This has nothing to do with New Years eve. Mine was spent watching Alice in Wonderland with my six year old daughter and my black lab puppy! Not as pathetic as it sounds. I probably was the only person in Newark, OH who did not have a hangover the next day, thus allowing me to drink copious amounts of wine with dinner that night. Anyway, what I wanted to request, was that you please add Columbus OH to your book tour itinerary. We love, you, hered!

[LJS]

here is mine:

"I resolve to tell everyone I meet about my joy. Sister (or brother) has anyone shared the good news of Jesus Christ with you?"

then I just stand there with dewey eyes and wait.

[Lydia]

You are freaking hilarious!!!! I found your first book on amazon. After I read the title I had to buy it. I read it and sent it immediately to my best friend. We now worship you and your snarkiness. Long live Princess Jen!!!

[Lydia]

You are freaking hilarious!!!! I found your first book on amazon. After I read the title I had to buy it. I read it and sent it immediately to my best friend. We now worship you and your snarkiness. Long live Princess Jen!!!

[asoom]

OH cool I didn't know you had a regularly updated blog! A couple of weeks ago I bought both your books on amazon after hearing they're hilarious. I admit I have to open either I still have like 3 more books to read...but I'll be checking your blog often.

BTW I'm a former Philly resident!

[Molly]

Yes! I love it. I think I'm going to resolve to drink more and extend my 6 month Us Weekly subscription into a year long adventure of judging celebrities while simultaneously living vicariously through them.

[Jayna]

I never make resolutions because I am a procrastinator. I usually figure out my resolutions for this year just before next year and then they are pretty much irrelevant.

Oh well. I'll worry about it later.

BTW - I read both your books. I laughed my ass off. Keep writing!

Jayna

[BratGirl]

I agree - I hate being asked about my New Year's Resolution. And I was so exhausted with last month's stranger/small talk question: "Are you ready for Christmas?"

My resolution is to finish Christmas '08 shopping by Jan. 31st. Then I'll be prepared for Dec. 2008's dumb question.

[Sarah Grace]

Jen -
F*ck. Right. Love this, love the blog, can't wait for your next book, hopefully your promotions will take you through NY again. Your rat stuff killed me. Had a similar experience in our apartment, except it was a mouse, and he was so goddamn dead he might as well have had X's for eyes (now known among friends as "The Mouse-acre" or "CSI: Weehawken"). Hope to catch you next time you are in NY, maybe you, me and Jolene? I'm from Grosse Pointe, girl, so I can rock the pearls - and the martinis!- with the best of them!

Happy New Year,
Sarah Grace

[Stefanie]

Happy Forking New Year!

[Melissa]

I never really thought about it that way but you are so right.

[Nicole]

So I baked great cupcakes today and people were turning them down because of their resolution to diet. SCREW THAT! 3 weeks of torturing yourself just to give up and binge on junk is so not worth it. Trust me, I have done it every year. My resolution this year is to eat more lettuce. It's not a diet. It's a way of positive thinking. I will not deprive myself of anything anymore. I will just fill my body with better food instead.

Those Damn resolutioners ruined a perfectly good cupcake party.

[Kaye]

Okay I do have a resolution - and it is if Jen Lancaster comes within 4 hours of Dalton, Georgia I am going to see her with 25 of my closest friends!!! All 25 of us have made this resolution!!!!

[Tamara]

I have to say, you make an excellent point. If your only motivation to make a change is because a new year has begun, you're destined to fail (just like if you're court ordered to go to rehab, you'll likely relapse shortly after, but if you check yourself in you might be more successful). The reason is: you can only change if you really want to. Sure, the time of year has got me thinking about things I want to do differently, but I'm hesitant to make them resolutions until I am fully committed to changing.

[countrymouse]

I work in a pharmacy. People tell me ALL KINDS of things that I don't need to know. On New Year's Eve, a woman who was picking up a refill on her controlled drug told me (unsolicited, mind you) that her resolution was not to get that prescription refilled anymore. And my answer? "Ummmm . . . " Yeah--I was so smooth!

[Chelsea]

woa, looks like I DID drink to the that, I meant DRINK...not...dirnk or whatever I typed.

[Karlie]

ok so this is random, but i wanted to let you know, jen, that I was reading Bright Lights in the airport on the way home from college and was sitting by a pretty cute guy about my age. I got to the part where you go to get your "girly parts" checked out and proceed to rip your paper gown in a few places... I was laughing so hard that I SNORTED and choked on the water I was drinking. I continued to cough for about five minutes until I finally composed myself. Then, because it was so funny I read it once more and laughed just has hard again... and snorted again.

love it.

[Stephanie]

I resolve to spend more time drinking Scotch and reading celebrity gossip!

The path to high self esteem is through setting (and reaching) attainable goals.

[Gatorlovergirl]

I am so glad that it's not just me...I work as a teller and I get asked these type of questions so often I have to resist the urge to run screaming into on-comming traffic. Thank you for a great quote to steal...

[Holly]

Of course i want my milk in a bag!!! how else am i supposed top my world record of 19 grocery bags on my arms, making only one trip from the car???

[dodim]

Now you know that if I ever run in to you, even if it's in July I'm going to ask you what your new years resolutions are, right? Just to hear you rant.

Because I? Am so fond of you when you rant!!

Happy New Year. Best of luck to you and Fletch and the animal menagerie this year!!

[Shelley]

Consider that quote stolen! Fantastic response.

[NorCali]

Like anyone really cares. That question is the same as "How are you?" on any other day. Noone is listening to your answer or even wants to hear it.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

I resolve to make absolutely NO resolutions. That way I only disappoint my whole family and not me as well.
But I love Heather's resolution. LOL.

[Jessica]

Someone over at Feministe said their resolution was to start approaching situations and saying to themselves "What would Jordan from Scrubs do?"

Maybe I'll borrow both that and yours!

[Kate]

"Fortunately for you, I've resolved to quit smacking stupid people who ask me dumbass questions. Oh, wait, it isn't 2008 yet..."

[Mickey]

Heather, I LOVE your answer! Jen, yours rocks too, but I'm going to have to steal Heather's since I'm a civilian employee for a police department. Guranteed to get officers to stop asking me that question...or it might just get me drug-tested. Either way, the expressions will be priceless.

[Heather]

Jen,
Homicide cop here again..........best answer I have yet to give, while on duty, to the people I work with "My resolution this year is to quit smoking crack, snorting oxy's, injecting meth, and eating hydro's....yeah, it will take the fun out of work, but I need to clean up, maybe I will try methadone....and this year, I mean it!!" Heather

[iamlandlocked]

Go sister! My boss once asked me at a meeting during business hours what I was giving up for Lent (I don't even celebrate Easter other than overindulging in those Cadbury eggs). I told him I was giving up having inappropriate workplace conversations with my manager!

[Cyndi]

I wanted to resolve to be a nicer person, but who am I kidding?

[Heather B.]

Word. That is all.

[Wastin' Away]

That is insane! I can't believe that it doesn't dawn on someone that is extremely personal information.

And I will be stealing that quote...

[Bonnie]

Thanks for the quote! I, too, am sick of being asked that question. I am a pretty reserved person around those I do not know. I usually just flip them the bird and walk off.

http://babsbits.blogspot.com/

[Cathy Dee]

One New Year's Day some time ago we were out shopping and a local TV station was camped in front of Kohl's and quizzing people about their New Year's resolutions. I spotted them coming towards me so I actually had a second to prepare before they shoved the microphone in my face. When they asked me my New Year's resolutions, I told them: "It's not to give any more TV interviews." Made the news that night.
Sometimes, I also use, "My resolution is not to make any more resolutions."

[Frannie]

Yikes woman!! I seriously doubt that any of those who asked what your resolution is will actually follow up to see if you're following through on them. Hence, lighten up. I resolve to make no resolutions in case someone checks up on me.

[Lisa]

I about sprayed the keyboard with coffee on this one. And there are so many good suggestions here...not sure which to use.

[Lilly Munster]

A former co-worker came up with this one.."I resolve to stop stealing, then discarding, other women's husbands." (She swore it quickly ended the conversation.)

[The House and I]

I just like to give a knowing smile, look demurely off into the distance like I'm remembering good times I won't be having anymore, and let the question hang there.

Let 'em think what they like.

[Nora Bee]

Ha! I haven't been asked that in years (I must look too far gone for resolutions). But if so, I am READY! (And it sounds so smart) :=)

[Ta~Ta's]

Stole your quote...Thank you very much!

[Sally]

For the past 5 years, I have resolved to be a better person. It usually lasts from the time I wake up on January 1 until the time I eat something on January 1. And I'm ok with that.

[Shelli]

I just say
"I resolve not to ask personal questions to completely random strangers"

[patricia]

I don't know. That's a fine enough quote but I'm worried that anyone silly enough to ask a stranger what his/her resolutions are, is probably too superficial, dumb, or rude to register the message being delivered. I think I'm gonna go with "I resolve to continue being perfect" with a small smile and a wave.

[Beth]

Consider it stolen.

[Gina B.]

I resolve to stop lashing out and striking people who say stupid things or ask invasive questions. Hmmm . . . scratch that . . . I don't have the fortitude to honor that resolution. :-)

[Kristabella]

Now I know why I didn't leave the house this weekend. Why? Why would someone ask this?

I resolve to drink more wine and eat more corn dip. Preferably at the same time.

That is all.