Resolve THIS

Dear Everyone in the Entire Fucking Universe,

This is your last warning to stop asking me about my New Year's resolutions. 

Maybe I could understand your posing this question if we were actually acquainted.  But if your job is to, say, bag my groceries or make sure the check I deposit gets credited to my account, then this information is none of your goddamned business and is certainly not small-talk fodder.

The thing is, resolutions are rarely about what we already find kind of awesome about ourselves, like I resolve to continue to be a great parent, or I resolve to continue to visit my senile grandma in the nursing home three times a week or I resolve to keep adopting third world babies. 

(OK, maybe just Angelina Jolie on that last one.)

Point is, resolutions generally entail what we don't like about ourselves, as in I'm too fat or I'm disorganized or my spending is out of control.  Therefore, when you, a perfect stranger, ask me about my resolutions, you're basically requesting I lay all my flaws bare and I think it's incredibly rude and presumptive, especially when you're in no position to help me achieve whatever it is I resolve to do.

So, going forward, if you ask me what my New Year's resolutions are, I'm not going to give you the bullshit I resolve not to make any resolutions! answer.  Instead, I'm going to tell you this:

I resolve to be self-aware enough to spot potential problems within myself and to begin to work on them immediately, without a making a public announcement or waiting to start the improvements on an entirely arbitrary date.

Happy New Year, and yes, I do want my milk in a bag.

Best,

Jen

P.S.  Feel free to steal this quote when someone asks you about your resolutions. 

Comments

[April]

YES! I will be stealing that quote! I'm a hairstylist and I get asked that every hour on the freaking hour.

[JulieAnn]

You totally crack me up!

[Lisa Ann]

Good one!! I have been using this as my personal favorite (and be sure to deliver it with a big southern smile):
"I resolved not to kill anyone who asks me stupid small talk questions and if I do break part one of this resolution; I resolve to use a better method of disposing of the body than last year's Fargo-inspired chipper-shredder method. "
I usually follow it with a look that expresses something to the effect of "DO I LOOK LIKE A PEOPLE PERSON ASSHAT!?!?!?!"
It usually shuts them up real quick like.
Oh And "Have a Nice Day" :-)

[kalisah]

People are so rude.

If some stranger asked me what my NYR is, I'm afraid I might say, "I resolve not to divulge personal information to nosy strangers."

[Michele]

Between this and family guy i am dying over here.

[Kristabella]

Now I know why I didn't leave the house this weekend. Why? Why would someone ask this?

I resolve to drink more wine and eat more corn dip. Preferably at the same time.

That is all.

[Gina B.]

I resolve to stop lashing out and striking people who say stupid things or ask invasive questions. Hmmm . . . scratch that . . . I don't have the fortitude to honor that resolution. :-)

[Beth]

Consider it stolen.

[patricia]

I don't know. That's a fine enough quote but I'm worried that anyone silly enough to ask a stranger what his/her resolutions are, is probably too superficial, dumb, or rude to register the message being delivered. I think I'm gonna go with "I resolve to continue being perfect" with a small smile and a wave.

[Shelli]

I just say
"I resolve not to ask personal questions to completely random strangers"

[Sally]

For the past 5 years, I have resolved to be a better person. It usually lasts from the time I wake up on January 1 until the time I eat something on January 1. And I'm ok with that.

[Ta~Ta's]

Stole your quote...Thank you very much!

[Nora Bee]

Ha! I haven't been asked that in years (I must look too far gone for resolutions). But if so, I am READY! (And it sounds so smart) :=)

[The House and I]

I just like to give a knowing smile, look demurely off into the distance like I'm remembering good times I won't be having anymore, and let the question hang there.

Let 'em think what they like.

[Lilly Munster]

A former co-worker came up with this one.."I resolve to stop stealing, then discarding, other women's husbands." (She swore it quickly ended the conversation.)

[Lisa]

I about sprayed the keyboard with coffee on this one. And there are so many good suggestions here...not sure which to use.

[Frannie]

Yikes woman!! I seriously doubt that any of those who asked what your resolution is will actually follow up to see if you're following through on them. Hence, lighten up. I resolve to make no resolutions in case someone checks up on me.

[Cathy Dee]

One New Year's Day some time ago we were out shopping and a local TV station was camped in front of Kohl's and quizzing people about their New Year's resolutions. I spotted them coming towards me so I actually had a second to prepare before they shoved the microphone in my face. When they asked me my New Year's resolutions, I told them: "It's not to give any more TV interviews." Made the news that night.
Sometimes, I also use, "My resolution is not to make any more resolutions."

[Bonnie]

Thanks for the quote! I, too, am sick of being asked that question. I am a pretty reserved person around those I do not know. I usually just flip them the bird and walk off.

http://babsbits.blogspot.com/

[Wastin' Away]

That is insane! I can't believe that it doesn't dawn on someone that is extremely personal information.

And I will be stealing that quote...

[Heather B.]

Word. That is all.

[Cyndi]

I wanted to resolve to be a nicer person, but who am I kidding?

[iamlandlocked]

Go sister! My boss once asked me at a meeting during business hours what I was giving up for Lent (I don't even celebrate Easter other than overindulging in those Cadbury eggs). I told him I was giving up having inappropriate workplace conversations with my manager!

[Heather]

Jen,
Homicide cop here again..........best answer I have yet to give, while on duty, to the people I work with "My resolution this year is to quit smoking crack, snorting oxy's, injecting meth, and eating hydro's....yeah, it will take the fun out of work, but I need to clean up, maybe I will try methadone....and this year, I mean it!!" Heather

[Mickey]

Heather, I LOVE your answer! Jen, yours rocks too, but I'm going to have to steal Heather's since I'm a civilian employee for a police department. Guranteed to get officers to stop asking me that question...or it might just get me drug-tested. Either way, the expressions will be priceless.