Resolve THIS

Dear Everyone in the Entire Fucking Universe,

This is your last warning to stop asking me about my New Year's resolutions. 

Maybe I could understand your posing this question if we were actually acquainted.  But if your job is to, say, bag my groceries or make sure the check I deposit gets credited to my account, then this information is none of your goddamned business and is certainly not small-talk fodder.

The thing is, resolutions are rarely about what we already find kind of awesome about ourselves, like I resolve to continue to be a great parent, or I resolve to continue to visit my senile grandma in the nursing home three times a week or I resolve to keep adopting third world babies. 

(OK, maybe just Angelina Jolie on that last one.)

Point is, resolutions generally entail what we don't like about ourselves, as in I'm too fat or I'm disorganized or my spending is out of control.  Therefore, when you, a perfect stranger, ask me about my resolutions, you're basically requesting I lay all my flaws bare and I think it's incredibly rude and presumptive, especially when you're in no position to help me achieve whatever it is I resolve to do.

So, going forward, if you ask me what my New Year's resolutions are, I'm not going to give you the bullshit I resolve not to make any resolutions! answer.  Instead, I'm going to tell you this:

I resolve to be self-aware enough to spot potential problems within myself and to begin to work on them immediately, without a making a public announcement or waiting to start the improvements on an entirely arbitrary date.

Happy New Year, and yes, I do want my milk in a bag.

Best,

Jen

P.S.  Feel free to steal this quote when someone asks you about your resolutions. 

Comments

[Michele]

Between this and family guy i am dying over here.

[kalisah]

People are so rude.

If some stranger asked me what my NYR is, I'm afraid I might say, "I resolve not to divulge personal information to nosy strangers."

[Lisa Ann]

Good one!! I have been using this as my personal favorite (and be sure to deliver it with a big southern smile):
"I resolved not to kill anyone who asks me stupid small talk questions and if I do break part one of this resolution; I resolve to use a better method of disposing of the body than last year's Fargo-inspired chipper-shredder method. "
I usually follow it with a look that expresses something to the effect of "DO I LOOK LIKE A PEOPLE PERSON ASSHAT!?!?!?!"
It usually shuts them up real quick like.
Oh And "Have a Nice Day" :-)

[JulieAnn]

You totally crack me up!

[April]

YES! I will be stealing that quote! I'm a hairstylist and I get asked that every hour on the freaking hour.