The Glamorous, with Thanks to Fergie (Oh, the Flossy Flossy)

With over a thousand people requesting I come to their town, one might believe my ego is raging and all this attention has given me Such A Pretty Fat Head. 

This would probably be the case, were I not actually living my life. 

Not buying it?  Then how about I give you a quick snapshot of the past twelve hours of my day?  Here goes:

6:41 AM - Been asleep for about three and a half hours because stayed up late reading.  Dogs don't care because they need to go out NOW NOW NOW NUDGE NUDGE NOW NOW NOW.  Note to self: no matter how much begging, never again allow dogs taste of roasted root vegetable soup.  Dogs do not need high colonics.  (FYI, good soup in theory, BAD SOUP IN PRACTICE.)  Pull hoodie on over jammies and put on Crocs to go downstairs.

6:43 AM - As usual, pit bull has to be dragged outdoors.  Pees on welcome mat at bottom of stairs and returns indoors in less than twenty seconds.

6:47 AM - Hoodie and Crocs off, back in bed.   

7:07 AM - Fletch needs coffee.  Apparently both hands are broken and Starbucks has ceased to exist.  Pull hoodie on over jammies and put on Crocs to go downstairs to make coffee.

we flyin' first class, up in the sky

7:16 AM - Hoodie and Crocs off, back in bed.

7:26 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.

7:33 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.

7:39 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.

7:44 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.

7:45 AM - Phone rings.  Someone better be bleeding.  Pull hoodie on over jammies and put on Crocs to walk over to phone in office.  Listen to the voice mail and discover Fletch has put in requests to Service Magic.com for junk hauling and for cleaning service, using my name... which he failed to mention last night.  With his hectic red-light-running-schedule, imagine it would be easy to forget this detail.

poppin' champagne, living my life in the fast lane

7:46 AM - Hey, here's a thought - if you'd like to haul the garbage out of my basement or clean my house for a fee, maybe you shouldn't YELL at me over voice mail.  (Keeping your pants on while so doing would be a bonus.)

7:47 AM - Hoodie and Crocs off, back in bed.  Must lie on tiny sliver on the edge of the bed because stinky pit bull has repositioned herself horizontally and cannot be budged.

by the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

7:55 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Start making plans to clean house/haul junk my goddamned self.

7:59 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Seethe.

8:08 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Seethe.  Get shoved further to the edge of the bed by pit bull and new addition of German shepherd and old, pushy, vaguely crazy gray tabby who wants to sleep on face but will be content just to walk all over it.

wear them gold and diamond rings, all them things don't mean a thing

8:12 AM - Phone rings.  Jump out of bed without hoodie and Crocs to answer phone.  Bark, "WHAT?" into receiver.  Is Pottery Barn, calling to schedule delivery of bed frame for tomorrow.  Apologize but don't have energy to explain why so cranky.

8:14 AM - Hang up.  Back into bed, celebrating fact tomorrow this goddamned mattress will finally be off the floor for the first time in adult life and thus may be more difficult for animals to climb on.  HA.

chaperones and limousines, shopping for expensive things

8:15 AM - Granted, am still sleeping on a mattress got for free on Craig's List, but still, happy.  Baby steps.

8:21 AM - Phone rings.  Consider smothering Fletch in his sleep with old, pushy, vaguely crazy gray cat this evening and then bed will be ALL MINE.  Turn off ringer, insert ear plugs, go back to sleep.

9:07 AM - NUDGE NUDGE NUDGE NOW NOW NOW.  Fuck it.  Will just be tired today.  Get out of bed, put on yesterday's sweats, hoodie, and Crocs and go downstairs to let dogs out again.  Stupid soup.  What kind of dogs like parsnips, anyway??  Draw drapes in living room.  Notice fresh tracks in snow right under the window, meaning people STILL walking dogs on my lawn.  And not little strip of grass that belongs to the city on other side of sidewalk - I mean REAL lawn.  Great.  Will have to set up another sting operation.

I be on the movie screens, magazines and boogie things

9:21 AM - Head down to laundry room to wash comforter.  Someone threw up a shrimp tail on it last week and am just now getting around to putting it in the washer.  Gross.

I'm not clean, I'm not pristine, I'm no queen, I'm no machine

9:33 AM - Mainline coffee and start logging all city visit requests on Excel spreadsheet.

10:05 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Still logging and drinking coffee. 

10:24 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Still logging and drinking coffee..

10:39 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Still logging and drinking coffee.  Woo!  Am popular.

10:56 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Still logging and drinking coffee.  Woo!  Am really popular.

11:05 AM - Phone rings.  Ignore.  Still logging and drinking coffee.  Woo!  Am so damn popular! 

11:06 AM - Still logging.  Wait, if so popular, how come no invitations for New Year's Eve?

11:07 AM - Seriously, not one person, not one party.

11:08 AM - Granted, anyone who knows us understands we are red-light-running, canceling-plans-at-the-last-minute people and thus should not be afforded invitations.  Still logging and drinking coffee.

I still go to Taco Bell, drive through, raw as hell

11:11 AM - Get email from mother, thanking me for the spa day I got her for Christmas that came in the envelope I specifically requested she not open until Christmas, what with it being her Christmas present and all.  Arrggh.

No matter how many records I sell, after the show or after the Grammys, I like to go cool out with the family, sippin', reminiscin' on days when I had a Mustang

11: 31 AM - Phone stops ringing.  Mostly likely because every service professional in the world has ALREADY CALLED ME TODAY.

11:34 AM - Still logging.  Totally high on coffee.  Could seriously use a temp.  Perhaps Fletch can request one on ServiceMagic.com because you know what else I need?  MORE RINGING PHONES.  (Also?  More coffee.)

11:39 AM - Hungry.  Practically only thing to eat in the house is Colon Blow Chowder.  Um... no.

I'm talking champagne wishes, caviar dreams, you deserve nothing but all the finer things

12:50 PM - Still logging.  Must eat before getting ready to go to the gym.  Have a PBJ on squishy white bread, glass of milk, and an orange cut into wedges.

12:59 PM - Check on comforter.  Still shrimpy and doggy.  Re-wash. 

Lifestyles so rich and famous, Robin Leach will get jealous

1:05 PM - Friend having oral surgery today to fix a receding gum-line and can only have liquids for the next ten days.  Order her a copy of Sandra Lee's memoir, figuring will certainly turn her off food for awhile.

1:10 PM - Shower and get ready for gym.  Can't find any clean sports bras or workout pants, so rummage in laundry basket.  Apply ample quantities of perfume and Febreeze.

Takin' trips from here to Rome, half a million for the stones, so if you ain't got no money, take yo' broke ass home

2:00 PM - Have terrible workout, fueled by only peanut butter, white bread, and gallon of coffee.

3:13 PM - Wrestle with Rottie puppy at gym.  Is awesome.

3:44 PM - At UPS Store.  Struggle to carry seven packages into store while three employees in UPS shirts brush past me and into front door.  HATE.

4:43 PM - Drive about three miles in about an hour.  HATE.

4:49 PM - Pit bull picks peanut butter jar out of garbage and begins licking.

5:08 PM - Call to check on delivery status of presents had overnighted yesterday.  Talk to assclown in shipping department who tells me they will ship tonight.  Get into argument over concept of "overnight" meaning over the singular course of one night and not meaning over two or more nights.  No resolution.  SO MUCH HATE.  Also, so much licking.

5:16 PM - Talk to junk hauler who says can clean out/haul items from my basement for $150 to $300.  Because is an "environmentalist" he doesn't throw stuff in landfill or drop off at charity.  Rather will sell my garbage at flea market.  And keep the profits for himself.  Did I mention I would pay up to $300 for the privilege of him keeping/selling my stuff?  Yes.  Sign me up.

I've got problems up in here, I've got people in my ear, tellin' me these crazy things that I don't want to know.

5:27 PM - Logging.  Have four pages of cities so far.  One vote for St. Croix and two for Hawaii.  Must work on fan base in tropical locales.  BTW, ever heard a pit bull work a peanut butter jar for an hour?

5:28 PM - Like nails on a chalkboard.  Only wetter. 

5:29 PM - But not quite as offensive as sound of whining pit bull when jar taken away.

5:34 PM - Dog still licking.  Self still wincing.

5:35 PM - SLURP SLURP SLURP

I've got money in the bank, and I'd really like to thank all the fans

5:48 PM - Notice Heather in Texas left comment with tallies already in hopes to bring me to Houston.  NICE!  Not up to me to give extra credit, but if the tour decision mine, would TOTALLY pick Houston. 

5:49 PM - SLURP

5:50 PM - Courtney in Baltimore promises to give crabs if I come.  Heh.

5:56 PM - SLURP SLURP

5:59 PM - Tracey says dogs outnumber kids in Seattle.  Again, if it were up to me, SOLD.  (Unless Seattle dogs all have peanut butter jars.)

Thank you really though, 'cause I remember yesterday when I dreamt about the days when I'd rock on MTV, that'd be really dope

6:49 PM - Finish logging. 

6:50 PM - Dog not finished licking.

6:51 PM - Am suspicious peanut butter will make an unwelcome appearance. 

6:52 PM - Most likely tomorrow morning.  At 6:41 AM. 

Damn it's been a long road and the industry is cold, I'm glad my daddy tell me so, he let his daughter know if you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home

See?  Not glamorous. 

(And not flossy flossy either.)

Comments

[Melisa]

ROFL!
I bet Fergie would trade places with you ANY DAY...right?

And the peanut butter thing? Ick. I can imagine it sounds about the same as my beagle trying to get the Cheez-Whiz-type Kong Filling out of her Kong toy. Gross. But the way I look at it is, it keeps her busy...

[Melisa]

ROFL!
I bet Fergie would trade places with you ANY DAY...right?

And the peanut butter thing? Ick. I can imagine it sounds about the same as my beagle trying to get the Cheez-Whiz-type Kong Filling out of her Kong toy. Gross. But the way I look at it is, it keeps her busy...

[Tomi Lancaster]

My dearest Jen -

I feel I know you, not just because we share that same name, or the fact we are in the same geographical location & have probably crossed paths at least twice in the last 10 years....but, because you are a smart ass and I totally get it and appreciate it, and love it!

So - anyway.....I just read "Bitter is the New Black" (Is that the name? I'm a bottle..or two..into tonite) and, (well, I'll keep the commentary short) All in all, I enjoyed it. I do think I met your Russian mob construction crew tonite at a suburb bar. They were running the place, and the only ones there - other than me, and the girlfriend I was with, (Jen, ironically) - who is searching for her alternative to a dead end marriage....hell, Russian, Polish contractor? Why not?? Right???

ANYWAY!!!

Official New Years Invite - my house! Lancaster party. Trust me, I won't even detail what you're in for. It'll just be fun.

Because I'm in the suburbs, you can bring the dogs!

I have no idea what my initial point was, I'm sure it was meaningful and poignant. OOPS. dRRRRZZUUUUUNK...

So, hey, need New Years Fun? I'm here.

[landis]

LOVE YOU.

have taken to hiding peanut butter jar in highest cabinet

two pitties have taken to stalking said cabinet as if it were a deer.

or chewing voraciously on purple "squirrel" kong, ripping through it's little head to get to remnants of peanut butter past.

[Tracie]

THIS RIGHT HERE is why I fell in love with jen :)

[Aimee]

JEN! You are the best part of my work day! Thank you for being hilarious! I am familier with days like these.

[Kate]

So I had this open for 2 hours at work before I could read it when the boss was not around. So worth the wait. I had to clamp my mouth shut to keep from laughing out loud and drawing attention to myself and my slacking. Thank you so much for that, I was having a crappy day.

[andrealynn MSU]

I have a personal love of looking at Craig's List. I found the most amusing request for a roommate that I will send to you. I have never seen so many demands on what a person wants in a roommate (waxing is involved somehow).
Also, my puppy loves peanut butter too. Did the same thing and a few hours later I saw the peanut butter did not like him!

[Chrissie]

Your post cracked me up ;) And I just had to say that Service Magic is the most *annoying* company ever. They call all day, every damn day. On the office line and the damn cell phone.

PS. Fort Lauderdale/Miami would be good ;)

[Katie]

Katie again, just leaving a friendly reminder for you to come to the sunshine state....c'mon Jen...Miami + New Years = Hella fun!

[Paige]

Another vote for Sacto.

[Heather in Texas]

Good grief, y'all, read the day to my husband who laughed almost as hard as I did (also, note, he said he would never wake me up for coffee, he knows better. Good boy.)

Lisa Ann, don't know if you win, but you definately get the suck ass day award.

Bullylover, there ain't nothin' like a stinky bulldog. Love the colonic description; very appropriate, Otis will be proud of his new title.

[Karina in T.O]

Totally unrelated.....I just realized why I've been tossing out the word douchebag so damn much.....Remembered in BLBA when you e-mailed your girlfriends about the profanity Fletch spurted out in his sleep. I'll take 'Who's the douchebag who threw the grenade' for $500 Alex.....

Yeah, hit the bookstore at lunch 'cause I was too impatient for Amazon to deliver the first two books (the pre-ordered one will have to come on its own..so sad)...need new and pristine copies for my bookshelf, am passing the originals to all my girlfriends to read. One by one, they shall be converted!

$19.50 & $17.50 Canadian, my dear...may my meager contribution one day make it past the publisher to your bank account!

[MissMel]

SAN DIEGO was voted the most dog friendly city in the country by "Dog Fancy" magazine, (I work at the Humane Society here, so that's how i know)... It's almost Christmas and people are still wearing shorts, T's and flip-flops... you know you want to come visit here!

[Kristie]

I loved your books and have been telling everyone to go buy them. I cannot wait for the next one. The man here at home (Kevin) read them and realized there are more women like me out there. I think it scared him. Oh well he is in it for life....besides I told him if he ever wanted to leave I would maim him so severly no one else would want him.....Of course, it was said with a great deal of love and charm.....

I might be the only request so far, please consider coming to Pittsburgh, PA. Doesn't sound too glamourous, but you might be surprised as to what this town has to offer. Chardonnay and martinis shall flow freely.

[Sara]

For NYE - my suggestion - Matisse (on Diversey in Lake View) It's 1 - inexpensive compared to other Chicgao events ($75/pp vs. $150/pp) and 2 - includes unlimited appetizer orders (anything from quesadillas to mussels) I believe and unlimited drinks! They also have a fun martini list and THE BEST white wine sangria that will ever pass your lips. I became a huge fan over the summer - my friends and I can't get enough -plus it's a young professional crowd (read late late 20's and UP) It's a cozy tavern and I think you'll love it! (p.s. good for couples and singles!)

[Lisa Ann]

7 am get up after 30 minutes of snooze alarm. Only got 2 hours of sleep because I HAD TO finish Bitter is New Black.
7:15 am - jam mascara into eye while attempting to multi task (pour coffee and apply make up). mascara stained tears runs down face. Coffee burns my tongue.
7:30 run first pair of good pantyhose (what f*&whit thought these things up anyway?)
7:32 run second pair of good pantyhose, fall against night stand, huge bruise begins to form on hip (now swearing bodily harm to said maker of pantyhose)
7:35 run third and last pair of good pantyhose. Get out nail polish and goop polish all over left leg. Getting high on fumes.
7:45 spill full cup of coffee down front of clothes. Go back to bedroom to change.
8:00 lock door and rake stairs...third step down stairs my heel breaks....on BRAND NEW SHOES!!
8:10 changed shoes, leave house, get in car....battery dead....left lights on over night.
8:10-8:45 stand on street waiting for triple A or a good samaritan to jump me...(in my neighborhood, it's a 50/50 shot of who was going to get jumped first: car or me)
9:35 get to work. Sit in newly replaced chair....pants rip from being caught on a loose screw hanging off the end.
9:45 co-worker stops me from banging my head against the desk.
9:48 Boss wants to see me.
9:50 GET FIRED!!!!!

Do I win?????

[Ash]

OK... former UPS call center employee. I'm telling you ALL right now, stay AWAY from the UPS stores! They're franchised dealers who charge you for any and all contact with your package (hence, why they walked by you... you must pay in advance). They can charge whatever extra fees they want. Go to UPS.com and schedule a pick-up. It's actually cheaper! Or, if you've already got the packages wrapped and all that, take it down to one of their centers instead. Cheapest way. UPS stores are con jobs. Actually worse than UPS themselves.

And the sad part is, FedEx is worse. Don't get me started on DHL.

Case in point: one woman complained that she was charged over eight times what the actual company charges by a UPS store. I shipped a 5 lbs package from VA to CA for about five bucks. UPS store wanted about thirty.

Just doing my part to stick it to the stores that resulted in thousands of people calling ME and bitching my ear off.

[Ginny]

I'm sorry -- after only a few hours of sleep and YOU being the one to get up and potty the dogs, you were again forced out of bed at 7:07 AM because Fletch? Needed COFFEE?!?!?!?! Ahem ... I believe some sort of a penalty shot is in order here (a la your punching game whenever you hear a Journey song being played)!!!! And honestly? Write up some instructions on how to work the goddamned coffee maker, post them on the cabinet right next to it, and give Fletch the most sincere promise of severe bodily harm if he even THINKS about making you get out of bed to make his freaking coffee EVER AGAIN!!!

[Jessica]

There are literally a crapload of dogs in the Seattle area, which suits us just fine. You should come out here. Just sayin', we're literate and dog-loving.

[GatorLuvrgirl]

Come to San Diego...are malls are outdoors...we have Starbucks...the Gaslamp Quater...trollys...and more dogs than anywhere. Sunshine...boats...drinks...Please come.

[Jennifer]

It just took me close to 4 hours to drive 18 miles! Lovely weather in Boston! God I hate winter. If you choose to come here I would reccomend coming in the summer... PLUS then you could stop by NANTUCKET. I guarantee you would LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

[Rhi]

Portland! Portland!

[Paula]

I didn't realize you were making your poll all official and entering it in Excel. Since that seems to be the case, I need to put in a vote for Minneapolis.

I didn't originally vote because it wasn't clear if we need to vote for Minneapolis since you mentioned that you'd probably stop there. I just need to know the rules.

In Minneapolis we have dogs, wine, martinis, margaritas, pearls, pink and green everything, cupcakes, crocs, and starbucks. Plus, 10,000 lakes, the biggest shopping mall in the world, and skyways.

We also have lots of fat people, so 'tons' of people will buy your book.

[Les~]

You can come to Vegas for New Years Eve with 2 million other peeps....

Fun times, yo!

[Nicole]

You post breifly took me away from my sad gray cubicle to the funny world of shrimp remains and soggy crocs. For that I thank you. For the rest of the day I will think about the idiotic corporate crap I have to do orchestrated by Fergie.

I guess I am glamorous as well.

[The Modern Gal]

You might as well have been describing my own needs-to-be-dragged-outdoors, lays-horizontally-across-bed pit bull. She's sitting on the door stoop right now because we're having a battle of wills. Won't let her in until she takes care of her business.

[bullylover]

OMG!! I couldn't stop laughing at this. In my world crocs are haute couture. And I can seriously empathize about sharing a bed with horizontal dogs. Old or new, bulldogs always smell like they've had colonic soup. But when my feet are cold it's worth having them around. Come to SEATLLE...home of the original Starbuck's, where hot men throw fish around all day...c'mon what's not to love? COME TO SEATTLE!!!

[Jodie]

Thanks Jen, I owe you one, all this time I have been singing "oh the flouncy, flouncy"!

[Heather]

What? You were NOT impressed with the offer to come to Anchorage, AK? Me and my pomapoo would show you a great time and feed you king crab legs a yard long dipped in lemon butter and fresh halibut with cream AND cheese.

[Kelly]

Boston...home of the BOSTON TERRIER??? I mean, it's a dog...named after my city...what more could you ask for? :) Aren't you sold on Boston yet?

P.S. I will be driving 3 miles in 3 hours today when we get hit with this storm - I think it's the same one you just got - joy.

[Rachel]

Hawaii is fabulous for New Year's...

[LJ]

Your day is cracking me up!! Can't wait to see when you come to the Big Apple. **So** there...

[Karina in T.O]

6.41am? Jen, that is glamour!!!

If you were at my house you'd get the old dry-heave-cat-vomiting on your bedroom carpet wake up call at about 5.45 in the morning, at least twice a week (our 3 cats rotate the puke duties accordingly). Followed by what I refer to as the 'polar bear stomp' on the chest at around 6am -again these duties are rotated between the ladies.(Think polar bear stomping on ice to try and crack it....yeah, go with the visual) After said cat-heaving was ignored.

Girl, you have more patience that I after that lack of proper sleep.....and by the way....Buy yourself some instant oatmeal! That way if you're totally out of food and need to hit the gym, you can get a little carb boost to go with your coffee kick...and a vitamin wouldn't hurt either! A bit o' carbs, java and vitamin can make for a peppier workout.

Oh hey...just remembered. Amazon.ca has the new book available for pre-order, I've just popped the cherry on my new Visa with this initial online purchase!! No pressure...but I'm waiting... ;)

[Liz K]

Substitute Root Vegetable Soup for Chicken Wing bones retrieved from the garbage they tore into induced doggie colonic, Shrimp for Cat Litter barf on the comforter, and the Shepard for a Rottweiler and that sounds eerily like the past two weeks of my life.

Totally agree with your previous statement that a Pit Bill staking out its territory in bed is about as hard to move as depleted uranium, just know your not the only one out there "sleeping on a sliver." :) Not only can I not get him off the bed, but I cant even get him to at least sleep vertically...has to go horizontal. Must be a Pit Bull thing.

[Renee]

Referring back to your "Snow Porn" post, my husband was at his BFFs house in Bucktown last Saturday and saw one car with "DO ME" written on the snowy windsheild and another with a wang drawn on it. Upon telling him about your post, he said "where does she live again?" to which I reply "dunno, lost track, but she's moved 6x in 10 years." I hope your moving days are over for awhile. Oh and there's a Fresh Market off of the Lake Ave. East exit of the Edens/94. I suspect it's much closer than Lake Zurich.

[Angela]

Don't forget my beer and ice cream offer for St. Louis!!!!!

[Michelle]

Cindy in Cincinnati - We forgot to tell Jen that the new IKEA is set to open in January 2008 in Union Center!!!! She could visit Cincinnati, meet all of her fans at Bravo! for drinks, and then we could skip over to IKEA :o) Cincy, Cincy, Cincy, Cincy....

[Mark]

I just finished your first book, and really enjoyed it. Having lived in Wicker Park, and loosing my job around the same time, I can easily relate. Hope you will consider a siging in boystown.

[Heather in Texas]

Thank you for the morning coffee through my nose. Particularly special so early in the morning.

Hey, at least extra credit would be given if possible. I'll take that. At leat I didn't get blasted by the others this time (keeping comments about Texas to myself helps)

Stinky, smelly, bed hogging dogs are much better that old ones, trust me. (probably don't have much perspective at 7am with a sleep deprived head though)

SEE YOU IN HOUSTON!!!

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Cindy - I didn't know they were on WGN that day. That explains why they're both overwhelmed and fucking clueless right now.

Shelli - yes and no. We got it free off Craig's List but it had never been used. We're getting a new one as soon as we figure out what we want.

[Shelli]

Please tell me you don't sleep on a used mattress!!

You are cordially invited to come to Cleveland for a lovely martini fueled New Years Eve Party and can sleep on a brand new mattress!!

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

Wow, and Samswine.com looked so reputable when I saw their feature on WGN Tuesday morning, before I took my life in my hands and left the safety of my Chicago Hotel to venture out in the ICE STORM...wait, there was no ice storm. Any way, they did look reputable and their 6 pack of wine looked real fun. Oh well. I guess you can't always trust what you see on TV.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

FYI, it's not even 8:00 AM and I've already had to yell at two people. Samswine.com, YOU SUCK. Don't give me this "we can't find the order" shit when I have a confirmation number. If you can't find my order in the system, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIX YOUR SYSTEM. GOD. I AM NEVER EVEN BUYING A BOTTLE OF CLUB SODA FROM YOU AGAIN.

And God help the bed delivery people if they aren't here on time this morning.

[carolyn]

Wrigleyville New Year's Eve Party! Consider yourself formally invited. Be warned we're all barely out of college and drunken messes...champagne and vodka (and if you RSVP the chardonnay too!) flow freely around here!

[Mary W.]

Girlfriend, you are hereby invited to my house for New Year's Eve. Hockey game and much alcohol.

[Lisa]

Can I also add that in Sacramento we refer to the different neighborhoods as East Sac, West Sac, North Sac, Old Sac, etc. Think of all the material you would have (i.e. we live in Itchy Sac). O.k. I am done begging for now.

[Lisa]

If you come to Sacramento (or anywhere in Cali), I will buy you and your publishers crabs... or wine, or anything else more exciting locales are famous for, but which can be easily shipped to Sacto by some assclown (I had to borrow that perfect title). Will this help?

[Jocelyn]

Please, please PLEASE come to Portland, Oregon. Well, to be specific, Beaverton (suburb of Portland - less loonies out here than in the city).

We need you here - snarky humor abounds!
Thanks for considering.

[Petit Mal]

Girl, you are a mess. I love it. LMAO!