RATINMYHOUSE RATINMYHOUSE

OK, I'm calmer now. 

Somewhat. 

The exterminator is en route and I've finally stopped clasping my knees, rocking back and forth, muttering, "Rat in my house.  Rat in my house.  Rat in my house." 

Here's the situation - again, lest you think we're filthy - Fletch and I ordered exercise equipment and it's in the process of being installed as I type.  We love our gym (West Loop represent!) but some days it can take up to thirty minutes to get there even though it's only three miles away and I find myself skipping cardio when I'm short on time.  Which would be fine if I didn't, you know, have a book on weight loss coming out in the spring.

Anyway, we ordered a deluxe set up - there's a treadmill, an elliptical machine, an all-in-one weight machine, and a heavy bag/speedbag dealie.  (I'm not sure what my life will be like now that I have something to hit, but am interested to find out.)  Point is, it took FOREVER to clean out enough space to get it all set up.  (Yes, we measured wrong AGAIN and we're going to have to walk sideways through the basement now, but it's not like we don't do that in every other room in this place.)  We made multiple trips out to the garage and garbage over the past few days and the basement door was open for quite a while, essentially inviting the rats to come inside where it's warm and nice and happy.   

Today it took the set-up guys a couple of hours of in-and-out to get all the pieces into the basement, hence more open doors.  Again, we may as well have set out a RATS WELCOME mat.  (Technically I should be glad it was only a rat.  Maybe I should count my blessings that it wasn't a bear or a coyote or, considering where I live, a vagrant.  But I digress.) 

Because of all the comings and goings, I locked the cats in the guest bedroom and the dogs in the master.  But since it's been an all-day process, the dogs had to go outside a couple of hours ago.  Afterwards, Maisy and I were sitting on the couch and Loki was positioned by the ottoman at my feet.  Fletch was on a conference call and I was waiting to talk to him before the dogs and I went back upstairs.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement.  I turned my head to look, subconsciously expecting to see one of the cats.  Instead I saw something smaller skitter past.  My initial reaction was Oh, look, cute!  Fuzzy!  Pear shaped! until my brain fully engaged and....

RAT!

RATINMYHOUSE!

RATINMYHOUSE!!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT!

The rat, looking plump and healthy with nary a care in the world, wandered around the corner from the kitchen and had strolled halfway to the living room before he caught my eye.  With zero sense of urgency, he turned on his heel and sauntered back into the kitchen while I sat there paralyzed. 

Did the pit bull , A CARNIVORE, notice the rat five feet away?  No.

Did the German shepherd, ANOTHER CARNIVORE, notice the rat five feet away?  No.

Did any of the four cats upstairs, whose Spidey-senses really should have been tingling to the point they were compelled to hurl themselves at the door, make any sort of noise?  No.  (Related story, guess who paid $1400 yesterday for annual cat exams and now won't be able to go on vacation to the Atlantis in the Bahamas because all four cats require oral surgery?)

Anyway, when we locked eyes I inhaled so quickly and deeply that I sucked all the air out of the house and we passed out for a moment.  When we came to, I very quietly told Fletch there was a rat in the kitchen, in my house, in my house, IN MY HOUSE.  Fletch went to inspect and I mustered every bit of calmness I could and dragged the dogs back upstairs before they noticed, as I didn't want this afternoon to turn into the squirrel scene from Christmas Vacation.  Except with blood. 

Fletch went into the kitchen, found nothing, shrugged, and returned to his conference call, mouthing that it was probably a mouse and more than likely found its way back outside.

Yeah.  Like I'm going to take that chance.

Upstairs, I googled "Chicago Rat Extermination" and began to make calls.  The first place didn't believe me when I said my pit bull - part of the Terrier family, meaning they instinctively go after things that are terrestrial - didn't notice the rat who was practically whipping up a batch of gourmet soup in front of her face.  I eventually convinced them I wasn't A) crazy, and B) living in squalor, but it didn't matter because they couldn't come until Thursday.

I left out the pit bull part when I called the the second place.  However, they kept  telling me about their patented no-kill collection process which I'd normally be all about if they rats were, say, in my alley.  Sure!  Let them live!  Take them to a nice farm in the country!  But in my kitchen, the pristine place where pink and green birthday cake is served?  NOT SO MUCH. 

I talked to a guy at the third place and when I said, "Then he turned the corner," he interrupted me and said, "Hey, it could be a she." 

Really?  REALLY? 

I mean, yay for equal rights and all, but is now the very best time to play the politically-correct pronoun game?  Then he said something about HER being pregnant and I think I may have passed out again.  Clunk.  Hang up.  Dial vendor number four.  Extract promise to coming bearing poison and traps NOW NOW NOW. 

So I'm waiting for the exterminator to show up while my pulse slowly returns to normal and I attempt to unclench. 

UPDATE:  The exterminator can't come tonight.  Looks like I'm going to Home Depot to purchase 10,000 traps.  Perhaps I'll put little bows on them to make them look festive as they're strewn about the house.  BTW, who wants a cookie from my rat-infested kitchen? 

UPDATE:  The vet hospital called with lab results - one cat has early stage kidney problems and another is borderline diabetic.  Obviously we're going to do what it takes to keep them healthy... even though it's going to mean the Vegas trip is off, too.  Sigh.   

UPDATE:  The gym is done and Maisy has already claimed the treadmill for herself.  Yes.  Acquiring a treadmill for the dog.  THAT certainly merits getting rats.

UPDATE:  Fletch still says it was a mouse.   

Comments

[the governor of jennsylvania]

I get what you're saying, Anon. However, I don't think you understand where I'm coming from - I'm more than willing to sacrifice creature comforts to take care of the minor (albeit expensive) needs of my pets. No one else (other than me and my overwhelming desire to bake in the Bahamian sun) is going to be put out by my opting to pay for oral surgery and prescription foods in lieu of vacation. Do you really think I could happily lay on a beach, knowing my cat was going to die years earlier because I preferred to spend my money on strawberry margaritas?

Things would be different if I had actual HUMAN responsibilities, but I don't, therefore I choose to do right by my pets. My point was it kind of sucks to make sacrifices for creatures that don't even offer a modicum of mouse-killing services in return.

Also, I don't appreciate the implication that I don't understand how to prioritize the events taking place in MY life. That's pretty presumptive, don't you think? And I'm not seeking advice on how to better allocate my own funds. I'm not looking for advice and I don't consider myself a "rabid" pet owner; I'm simply offering commentary on experiences that others may have experienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous is not a coward. Anonymous has a legitimate opinion, posts here often and really doesn't want to be flamed by rabid pet lovers.

I have pets. They get health care and trips to the vet. But if the cost is exorbitant(sic) in relation to their age, quality of life and reasonableness then sometimes the harder choice has to be made,.

In the volunteer work I do, $1400 etc go could so much farther to help a human.

And that is a good point Governor. You are choosing to sacrifice frills which is your right.

But what about my husband's friend, who was going through a tough financial spot, and spent $2500 on his dog's surgery. And the dog died 3 months later. And his KIDS had to go WIHOUT ALOT FOR QUITE AWHILE until that bill was paid,.

[KayLa]

So sorry abuot your kitties :( I have four as well, ranging from 3 to 19 years. My 19 year old has a disintergating lower intestine and her food wasnt going all the way through her very comfortably. (very disgusting, i know, but imagine how SHE felt.) Luckily, I was able to feed her a special high fiber probiotic food to get her back on track, and shes good as new now! It's very expensive to have this many cats but I love all of mine so much and couldn't imagine it any other way, even when people call me crazy cat lady :-p

[Sheri]

My cat was a victim of the pet food fiasco almost a year ago. I took him in because he wasn't eating and drinking incessantly. I was hoping it was NOT diabetes - but alas, my precious FDK (that's his name and it stands for Front Door Kitty because that is where we found him and yet my husband I have both have MBAs and that's the best name we could think of) was is full-on renal failure. So - after a week in the hospital at PetSmart on IVs for antibioitics, fluids and anti-nausea, and a $700 bill (which was about half since we have pet insurance - highly recommend BTW) I administered IV fluids myself in the scruff of the neck and now he's fine. On perscription food - but fine....Be glad you caught it early and good luck with the rat.

[Karina in T.O]

Holy shite!! I almost spat on the the computer screen with my water while reading this!

As crazy as this is, you've got to think positive here Jen, honestly, it could be worse....thank your lucky stars its a fat, furry rat, and not a racoon or something. Those things are crazy!

When my hubby was a heating and A/C guy he once had to go to a ladies house and find out what was stuck in her chimney (it was causing her furnace to spew soot all over the basement).....uhm, yeah.....it was a HALF a racoon. Yes, thats right, just the one half of him...he'd somehow managed to fall into the chimney and hit the grate in such a way that he chopped his own bean off!

She FREAKED! And she got a hold of herself she then (with a straight face) asked him "did you bring that in here?" To which her replied "Thats right lady, I walk around with a dead, headless racoon in my pants!".

[Alison in Oregon]

Re: Your cat with early kidney problems . . . You likely can avoid a worsening by simply changing the cat's diet to a special, low protein food. My cat (who's 16 years old and was diagnosed with kidney issues last year) has been eating prescription foods, Prescription Diet "k/d" and Royal Canin "Renal LP," and he's doing really well.

The other cat, of course, has other issues, and she's on a special prescription food as well.

Hopefully your newest pet, the rat/mouse/small pear shaped fuzzy thing, won't require special foods too!!

[Lisa Ann]

I second your belief and commitment to your pets. I ate PB&J for 6 months because Bud E. Phat Cat (the love of my life and best tail I ever got :-) has FIP and had to have every one of his teeth pulled. Quality of life is good and the vet said he could live with out them just fine.

Cat from rescue: $95
Exam, Oral Surgery and follow-up $1,500.00
Fancy Feast for the rest of his life (est. 15 years): $20,000
The love I get ever single night while he snuggles next to me and purrs so loudly I can't sleep: PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Boo]

I can totally relate to the rat infestation (one counts as an infestation in my book). I am a teacher and the brilliant maintenance guys (the work order guys, not our usual MacGuyver resident janitor) sprayed over break and when we got back, the whole school reeked of dead rodent and chemicals. When they came back a few years later, we had all these rules about no food out and no food in garbages and we were majorly vigilant...particularly when they were running across our room during Open House. The next day, one who freed himself and his broken leg from a trap crawled across the room during class and I saw it and didn't even swear in front of the kids...I feel your pain. I am sure my indoor luxury-living cats would just look and go back to sleep on the treadmill, their new favorite place to sleep. Hopefully the exterminator will arrive in a uniform and not need to change clothes in your hallway...

[AJMICK]

And it's comments like those of Anonymous up there (who is an obvious coward who cannot even include a name on their post) that remind me of why I sometimes enjoy the company of animals more than that of many people I meet. Jen, I'm sure you will do the right thing whatever that may be... and like you said the vet indicated it was early stage so it could likely just mean a diet change and you're good to go. Hang in there!

[Kathryn]

we had a rat in the house once - my mother booked us in to the Ritz for the night and the house was on the market the next week

nope, she didn't over-react at all

[Jen]

Im sorry about the rats, and I totally know how it is for pets to ruin vacations. On another note, Atlantis is the greatest place ever! You definitely need to go when the pets get better and less expensive.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

My priority is to honor the commitment I made to the animals when I took them into my home. Their health improves my quality of life far more than a long weekend in the Bahamas ever could.

[Melissa]

To some people pets ARE worth that much money. To some living things that you are attached to are worth more than material things, Deb. Hang in there Jen. I work at the Humane Society in San Diego and kidney issues are not uncommon in cats. Sometimes diet and the right meds can make them quite comfortable and happy.

[Anonymous]

Pets are rarely worth that much money. You need to prioritize.

[Deb]

I'm so sorry about the sick cats. I just lost my 11-year-old kitty to kidney failure. Unfortunately, she got sick very fast, and by the time we got her to see a vet, she was in bad kidney failure. But, I have a cousin whose cat had early kidney disease, and she was fine with special food. There's meds and all sorts of other stuff you can do when you catch it early enough, so I'm sure your kitty will be just fine.

[Laura]

OK one more rodent story for you. When I was in undergrad, I was in the bathroom with my roomate and a mouse fell out of the ceiling, hit my roomate in the face, fell into the toilet and drowned! I kind of thought it was funny because I did not like my roomate so I figured it was karma. That is besides the point. We were afraid to flush it so we pleaded and whined to the next door frat to send over a pledge to fish it out of the toilet in case it clogged it up and/or somehow came back to life.
On another note...I am so sorry to hear of your cats. I went through a similar issue this summer where they thought my cat had bladder cancer. I was a mess I feel for you and hope your kitties a pain free and happy life. BTW...my cat did not have bladder cancer. After $2000.00 I found out she was constipated d/t FUS. Basiclly I gave a her a $2000.00 enima.

[dodim]

Know what would get rid of that rat? A Python! But.... ewww... that is probably even worse to have around the house.

Good luck with the Rat Infestation of 2007! At least you'll be in shape and look fabulous! (And, really, you can get through anything with the right pair of shoes. Yes?)

[Amanda]

OMG.... get lots of cool traps and put peanut butter on them.... rats/mice love peanut butter, but their body can't handle it... just make sure Fletch is around the dispose of the body...

[Bouncing Betty]

I can relate. I live in the country and in the fall the mice move in to the house. You would think my three terriers would dispatch the mice, they DON'T!! Instead I have to set traps, clean the traps, all those fun things. The dogs just sniff in the places the mice like to live (behind my hot water heater, under my couch).

I opened up the pull out couch last week only to find a small stash of dog kibble, obviously the mice think my couch will make a nice winter home!

I also spent more on vet care for my animals last year than I did for myself.

I hear ya babe. I can relate, good luck with the cats.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

Ugh!!! Hope you get rid of the rat soon. It's funny, I'd tell you my rat stories, but then you'd think I lived in squalor.
Nothing beats finding a DEAD rat in the kitchen.
Just sayin'.

[Cathy D.]

I don't suppose you want to read about this:
Giant rat discovered in Indonesia jungle: Finding new species of mammals in the 21st century is considered very rare: www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22290101

[Mrs. SpaghettieBender]

oh I needed a good laugh this morning... so funny. I feel your pain though. If I had a rat in my house I wouldn't be living there long. I hope you finally got an exterminator and can return to your Holiday Joy! = )

[Trixie]

Alright, someone with more pets than me! Jen, I had a cat who was early stage renal disease and we just put him on prescription canned food. That kept his kidneys healthy (he died of other causes). We've also had a mouse in our house, but my cats (OK, only 1, the other just happened by to see what the commotion was about) were smart enough to corner it in a cabinet -- where it was ultimately freed by Hubby and fed a piece of, I believe, Gouda cheese out in the yard so it wouldn't starve.

[Dara]

Hey Jen,
I'm sorry to hear about your cats :(...I'm not so much a cat lover, but it's really sad when your pets are sick. My uncle is a homeopathic clinical nutritionist and he has two cats of his own that he absolutely adores. I urge you to check out his website to see if there is anything he can recommend for the cats...I'm sure he could help!!
http://www.naturopath4you.com/
--Dara

[Julie Bolden]

I had a freaking squirrel come into my apartment one time - ripped through my window screen after scaling the building. I found it happily sitting on my bed - MY BED!!!! And squirrels? Nothing but rats with better press. And me? Terrified of all rodents. I slammed the door and starting dialing pest control. No one would come and help me. Luckily said squirrel left the way it came in. I, unfortunately, spent the next four stinking hot summers with the windows open just [this] much. This was all before I had pets, but I would bet my last dollar that neither of the cats (one currently trying to unwrap all the pretty presents under the X-mas tree and the other lounging on my couch) or the dog (sleeping on his couch) would do anything about a squirrel!

I'm thinking good thoughts about your cats.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

I only got a voice mail from the vet so I don't really know what any of the cat stuff entails. As I was in the middle of the rat crisis, the cat business hasn't really sunk in yet.

My plan for the cats will be to do whatever extends both quantity AND quality of their lives. Sounds like there's stuff that can be done and that's what we'll do, damn the expense. (Lisa Ann was right - Vegas will always be there.)

Conversely, I've tried so hard to give the guys long and happy lives but I'm not going to let them suffer, not even for a minute if it comes to that, just because I'm not ready to let them go. (Easier said than done, right? Shit, I'm already choking up thinking about it.) I don't want it to be the case of fifteen great years and six awful months, you know?

At the moment, they all seem fine, so hopefully this is just a vet being extra cautious. On the other hand, the guys are between thirteen and fifteen and aren't going to live forever.

For now, I'm just going to appreciate the fact that five out of our six pets are snuggled up to me on the guest bed. (Maggie's in the closet close by, peeking out now and then.) I need to always remember to recognize these as special moments and let them know how much I love them despite their piss-poor abilities to catch rats...

[tutugirl1345]

Ew, ew, ew...we once had rats living in our basement. The stupid exterminator set out poison, but forgot to take into account that the rats would crawl away and DIE. Dead rat under the floorboards is NOT a nice smell.
Congratulations on your home gym though...I'm so jealous!

[Melissa]

I totally feel your pain. I had a GIANT rat in my apartment that entered via the massive hole he gnawed in the cupboard. Yes, IN the cupboard. He learned to open and close the cupboard doors to get in and out. I called to land lord to have them come and fix the hole and bring traps however the first time they came they clearly didn't believe me when I told them it was comparable to the Rodents of Unusual Size from Princess Bride. They had to come back again with traps twice as big... we never caught him, but the handy man successfully closed up the hole. I still wasn't able to sleep soundly for a month after.

Oh and P.S I have a Rat Terrier. A RAT TERRIER! Do you think she caught the damn thing? Do you think she did the very freakin thing she was bred for? Oh no, sure she sniffed around and got a bit excited, but you think the scent and sound at night of the little bastard lumbering around in my kitchen would awake her... YOU WOULD THINK... god bless her lazy ass...

[Lisa Ann]

Bloody Hell!! I'm with you. 10,000 traps from home depot, 10 bottles of two-buck-chuck and that little fucker would be history. Matters like these are best taken into your own hands. Rather the hands of some crack-showing-pants-and t-shitrt-with-name-name-on-front guy named Joe who wanted to be a Made Man with the mob but settled on this as a second career choice.

P.s. Prayers for the kitties. Vegas will always be there...

[AJMICK]

Sorry to hear about cat blood test results. I have one with early stage kidney problems but with proper treatment you would never guess she's sick when she goes tearing around the house like a flying squirrel (see! rodent reference!) Anyhoo... it will take you awhile to figure out the right plan but a good vet will write you prescriptions so you can buy your supplies online and save buttloads of money. Seriously. Good luck w/all your pets... including the *new one*... ugh...

[Jill]

Have you read the story about the rat in the tub in Augusten Burroughs collection Magical Thinking? It is fucking hilarious.

I give you credit for actually staying IN your house...I would be sleeping in my car, I think.

[Michelle]

Clark W. Griswold - "Where's Eddie? He usually eats these god damn things!"

Catherine - "Oh, he recently read that they're high in cholesterol."

[blu_canary]

Would you even like to hear about the snake I brought home to babysit during Spring Break in high school? We'll just cut to the chase and I'll say that we found him hibernating in a basement window a few weeks later.

So...during that whole time. Snake. Loose. In. House. I like snakes, but shaking out the sheets every time I crawled into bed got a little old.

[dcfullest]

You REALLY, REALLY want it to be a boy rat. Girl's have babies.
AHHHHHH!

[iamlandlocked]

I had a baby squirrel in my house once. My cat thought it was the BEST CAT TOY EVER and completely snubbed me for a week after I sequestered it in the bathroom and removed it with a shoe box (thank God for my love of footwear!) and a piece of cardboard. Of course I had to completely empty the bathroom closet with my son's plastic robot arm before I could find it--no way was I reaching in there blind with my bare hands!

Since then we've had numerous small birds in the chimney create more chaos. One Rottweiler sleeps through every episode; the other just wants to boss the birds around and make them jump at her discretion. The Labrador, showing his fine field skills, play bows and barks at them. Sounds like your crew are in good company.

P.S. Yes, be glad it wasn't a vagrant or worse, a raccoon or skunk.