And Speaking of Freaking Barbie Dolls

Setting:  My living room yesterday, on the phone with Susie Sunshine, prior to all the unpleasantness.   

 

* * *

Me:  Did you see Poppy's giving away a bunch of Barbies?   

 

Susie:  Yeah!  And the Little Debbie one looks just like me!  I even owned those pants once!  Gingham!   

    

Me:  She's got dozens and dozens of people who want them.  People with kids and people who support charities for kids with cancer and such.   

 

Susie:  Yeah, and?   

 

Me:  The thing is, I want them.   

    

Susie:  Because you totally deserve them over the children, particularly the sick ones, right?   

   

Me:  No, seriously, like, I really want them.  A lot.   

 

Susie:  You can't enter.   

 

Me:  I'm not greedy, per se.  I would be very happy with just the Little Debbie one.  And I'd totally help the cancer kids, too.   

 

Susie:  No, you are greedy.   

 

Me:  But the Little Debbie one is so freaking awesome...    

 

Susie:  No way man.   

 

Me:  But she has a hat!  And sensible shoes!  And a wee cardigan!  And an itty bitty bag-o-treats with the Little Debbie logo!   

 

Susie:  Jen, listen to me - YOU CANNOT ENTER.   

 

Me:  I know I can't enter!  What am I going to say in my comment where I put my hat in the ring?  "Please don't let the sick kids have your toys!  Give them to me to add to my Barbie collection which is a direct result of ordering a whole bunch of them off the internet when I was high on Ambien!"   

       

(long pause)       

 

Susie:  OK, as long as you're aware you can't enter.   

 

Me:  I know, I know.   

      

Susie:  Good.   

 

Me:  Besides, if I actually won, I'd just ruin the new dolls by styling them like Russian figure skaters, same as all the other ones I have.   

       

* * *   

   

But just so you know, fans-of-Poppy, if the winner wanted to trade the Little Debbie Barbie for an autographed advanced reading copy of Such a Pretty Fat, I could make that happen.   

      

* * *

And in case you thought I was kidding... who's embarrassed by my late-night e-tailing?   

   

"It's like Shark Week around here, only for shame."

   

Comments

[Ginny]

Hey! Did you notice Poppy picked a Barbie winner named Mandi and that Mandi's comment specifically mentioned that she found out about the Barbies from YOU? I say Mandi owes you the Little Debbie -- STAT!!!

[tutugirl1345]

That purple outfit in the back looks like something out of Dancing with the Stars.

[Texie]

What I gotta do to get that book that don't involve Little Debbie Barbie? You haven't had us jump through hoops for your amusement ina while--how about that?

[booyah]

The three sitting on the left holding miss blue look like Hef's bimbos.

[Shannon]

Barbies rock. My little angel loves the Disney Princess collection...but she must have them all nude. Except for their shoes and crowns. I find that disturbing.

She also covets pearls, jewelry, shoes, purses, and all things angel, at the ripe old age of two. My hubby blames me--can I help it if mommy's obesssions are rubbing off?

[Poppy]

Yay! Comments are on!

Now I can say how much fun I'm having with this giveaway. I've had a big shit-eating grin pasted on my face since Barbiegate started. If my face turns into a mass of wrinkles and I start to look like a Shar-Pei, it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

And Susie Sunshine's. Of course.

Speaking of complexions, please get some SPF30 sunscreen for your Barbies. They're looking way too tan. It's terrible for their plastic, you know.

[Kate]

If you only knew the things I ordered on Ambien and of course had no recollection of the next afternoon. Why can't that shit knock you right out like it used to. Any toy supporting the yummy goodness of Swiss Cake Rolls should be cherished forever.

[CONNIE GIRARD]

Jen, E-bay has several 'Lil Debs for under $20, also check-out Nude Barbie with pearls.

[Kate]

Seriously, Babrie rules. She's like a mini-Trixie that you can dress up except she doesn't talk back or give me the Evil Eye for being a fat girl. Interesting fact: at one point Mattel was the world's largest producer of clothing because of the sheer volume of Barbie clothes they made.

[HeatherAK]

Hey, Jen! Did you see my posting on Poppy's site? She even changed the posting name to include yours because of the chatter that was started.

Please notice that I was the first one to try to buy your love. I also promoted both of your books...

Just in case you missed it heres my posting:

Please, oh please pick me!!!! I have been trying to get Jen Lancaster, the AWESOME author of "Bitter is the New Black" and "Bright Lights, Big Ass," to write me back for a solid two years. She is totally coveting the Little Debbie Barbie. If I win, I could maybe BUY her friendship. I promise to give the other two Barbies to the Children's Hospital, here in Anchorage, AK. Our winters are so long, cold and DARK, these would surely cheer some children up.

Just thoughtI would try begging some more.

[Susie Sunshine]

Little Debbie Barbie could take on this entire group without even mussing her hair.

(Except maybe the bitch in the front row with the yellow purse "accidentally" whopping hot pink tutu gal in the face. She looks a little tough.)

[Lisa Ann]

OHHH I am feeling your shame. Ambien and Barbie....not a good mix. I do think you have a legitimate deal for the Little Debbie doll if the winner wanted to swap. It's a fair deal.

[blackbird]

I only wish I had known about this collection whilst in Chicago...

[amanda]

I don't know if it's my computer, the angle of the shot, or what, but the one on the top right (with the crown) seems to have a particularly devilish expression on her face.

I must admit, I'm like Poppy's daughter with Barbies, but I always had fun brushing their hair.

[Jen on the Edge]

Oh my god, you gave them jazz hands! You rock!!!

[Mrs. K]

Funny that's exactly what my daughter's barbies look like. Except she likes to dress the men in dresses and run around laughing and saying 'look! you can see his butt!'....I run around and laugh 'cause we can see the peepee-Sometimes she's much more mature than I am