On Notice

I just found the Stephen Colbert "On Notice" Generator via someone's blog.  I can't remember whose exactly, which is a shame because it's a clever blog and I'd like to give it proper due.  (A drawback of using Google Reader and subscribing to every post that looks interesting is all posts are formatted the same, which is why I opt to only allow the first paragraph to be shown because if you're going to be inspired by something I wrote, then damn it, I want you to remember it came from me because I'm picky like that.)

Anyway, I thought the notice board was hysterical and I wanted to make my own but when I tried I realized I couldn't just list a single word or phrase because brevity?  Not my strong suit.  In my mind if one word = good, a hundred words = SO MUCH BETTER. 

The thing is, I'm putting Fletch on notice.  However, I don't want to just do so and leave my meaning open to interpretation because the Internet tends to jump to a whole lot of wrong conclusions, e.g. when Dooce got a new puppy a few weeks ago and ten million commenters lost their minds because they wrongly assumed the death in her family she mentioned was that of her primary (and highly photogenic) dog, Chuck.  The fact I quietly freaked out myself over the fate of Chuck is neither here nor there because at least I didn't actually post a comment about it and add to the fray.

Point is even though I'm putting Fletch on notice, the state of my marriage is just ducky, thanks. 

And now, without any more extraneous explanation, here are my who, whats, and whys of those on notice.

FLETCH - I'm happy to share any and all of the bath products I buy, but when I spend thirty four goddamed dollars on a tub of Bliss Warming Rosemary and Eucalyptus Salt Scrub and I leave it in the shower, only accessing a drop and only on special occasions and definitely only with dry hands and a salt-brush as per the instructions, count on me being very unhappy when you plunge your damp paw into it, slathering twenty-five dollars worth all over your ass and in so doing, getting water in the container, thus causing the scrubby grains to liquefy and turn to pleasantly scented, completely ineffectual blue fluid.  Granted, you offered to buy me more, and yes, I purchased it with your money in the first place.  Regardless, I want to exfoliate RIGHT NOW and I can't, hence you're on notice.

MY DOCTOR - Contrary to your belief, I do not make up maladies just so I can come to your office, pay you twenty five dollars, and spend thirty minutes in a waiting room filled with nothing but flu germs and six month old copies of ESPN magazine.  Further, if I can actually see my glands when I look in the mirror, then in my mind THIS IS A PROBLEM.  I'm pretty sure my neck should not have buttresses.  And why is it such a freaking challenge for you to pick up a prescription pad?  Why so stingy with the pills?  It's not like you're paying for them.  Here's a hint - GIVE ME DRUGS AND I WILL GO AWAY.  Also, I hate that I have to see YOU, anyway.  I love my old doctor who used to work in your office before she gave birth, which leads me to the second part of my this particular notice which is even though I think being a stay-at-home mom is about the best thing in the world you can do for your kids and totally honorable, if you provide a valuable, difficult-to-replace service to me, say as a primary care physician or colorist, then I'm going to have to ask you to sign a chastity pledge at the beginning of our business relationship because I am TIRED, TIRED, TIRED of all the talented people getting pregnant, quitting their jobs, and lavishing their skill and attention on some ungrateful BABY when I am perfectly willing to pay you Fletch's good money for the services you used to so competently render.

THE GROSS GUY BEHIND ME IN LINE AT TARGET LAST NIGHT - You were buying meat-free corn dogs, a six pack of Sam Adams, and a box of thirty-six magnum condoms.  I know WAY TOO MUCH about your weekend plans/lifestyle right now.

BRITNEY SPEARS - Can you just stay home for one night?  Please?  If you need something to do there (other than hold your children hostage) maybe you could buy a copy of Guitar Hero or something?  Seriously, I am so very tired to tuning into FOX for primary election results and instead hearing about your latest escapades.  Plus, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE NOT BRITISH, SO PLEASE STOP TALKING WITH THAT STUPID ACCENT.  We will tolerate that shit from Madonna, but you, young lady, are no Madonna.  Also, I am burning WAY too much gray matter trying to figure out the deal with your new, married paparazzo boyfriend Adnan.  There's a part of me that wonders if he's going to go the way of the Federline, actually proving himself to be mildly decent and self-aware and, like, I wonder if maybe he's covered you for so long he actually cares about your well-being and is looking out for your best interests.  More than likely he's just going to sell some gynecologic-quality snapshots of you in the near future, but because I've been diverting so much thought to figuring it out, I no longer remember how to drive a stick-shift.  Thanks a lot.  Also?  Please stop shopping at gas stations, unless you find one that sells Guitar Hero, in which case, pick it up, take it home, and don't come out until you can play Rock You Like a Hurricane.

Ahem.

I think I'm done now.

OK, now I'm done.

Comments

[Jennifer Leeland]

LMAO!!! I am SOOOO with you about Britany. I was watching the results of EVERY caucus and primary, only to have the news plastering the new meltdown in the middle of it.
I love my politics and don't like them muddled up with Hollywood nonsense.

[Jeanne]

Jen Lancaster, you crack me the fuck up. I'm mid-way through Bright Lights, Big Ass, and I just had to surf in. Of course, I'm a writer doing what writers do best - procrastinating. Gotta get back to that . . . eventually! Jeanne

[tutugirl1345]

OK, I came here 10 minutes from a full scale breakdown, and now I'm laughing so hard and grinning so wide the lovely people at Panera are all staring at me now...You totally rock.
As for the drugs, as the daughter of a doctor, I used to get meds whenever I wanted them (mostly antibiotics). Now I still get sick all the time, but I have immunity to the 5 meds I'm not allergic to. So, I'm not claiming to know whether or not you needed them or were justified in asking for them, but just make sure you don't turn out like me!

[Karina in T.O]

Oh boy.....someone is definitely going to get put 'on notice' now....I'm feeling a doctor vs. patient American Gladiators style verbal joust any minute now....

[Rebecca]

Hmmm...you can see your glands? Oh, but I'm sure you're just fine. Don't worry about it.

Yeah. Right. I feel your pain. Rock on with the demand for drugs- and find a better doctor who actually takes the time to LISTEN to you!

[eowyn_2]

Well, a few people have beaten me to part of it because I had to walk away and cool down before I wrote a post I would regret.

Honey.

You go to your doc to find out IF you need something. Your doc is not a vending machine. Your doc went to school for a very long time and had endured a lot more whiners than you (often for 24-36 hours at a time without sleep) so he/she could figure out when a drug is needed and when it is not.

And honey, I'm all for patient self-determination and the importance of understanding your body but STOP.

JUST STOP.

I am so sick of patients walking in and demanding something that they don't need. Uneccessary drugs cause harmful side effects; to you, and in the case of antibiotics, to everyone around you as well.

So dammit, either let me do the job that you're paying me for or stay out of my office and let me take care of people who are truly sick. It really frosts me when I have a complicated patient that I can't give my best attention to because of all the snotty noses demanding my attention (and drugs!) at the same time.

No, I'm not always right, but my training and experience gives me a hella higher chance than you have. I'm so sick of my profession being abused everywhere I go, and I think it's important that patients see the other side as well.

Here's hoping you can take it as well as you can give it, because otherwise we're soulmates...

[Sahori]

Dear Jen,

First of all, I must say that I love your books and blog!! In fact, I am reading your blog all the way from Japan where I'm originally from. Your blog is so funny that it makes me laugh so hard every time I read it, so I just wanted to thank you for writing such an interesting, funny and insightful blog despite your busy schedule.
I've realized yet again that a good sense of humore does help us all get through difficult times in our lives, and your blog(and of course your books also)just does that! Personally, I am going through a hard time having my boyfriend back in Philadelphia and me back home in Japan. Right now I am debating if I want to go back to the states for him or stay here. Sure, we all have some sort of stress or difficulties(whatever it is) that we have to deal with, don't we? I realize that it is actually hard to do so as I say so. However, I become pretty positive and can face with whatever that I have to deal with and I feel good about that! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your sense of humor and look forward to reading your upcoming book! Thanks again! :) Cheers,

[Sahori]

Dear Jen,

First of all, I must say that I love your books and blog!! In fact, I am reading your blog all the way from Japan where I'm originally from. Your blog is so funny that it makes me laugh so hard every time I read it, so I just wanted to thank you for writing such an interesting, funny and insightful blog despite your busy schedule.
I've realized yet again that a good sense of humore does help us all get through difficult times in our lives, and your blog(and of course your books also)just does that! Personally, I am going through a hard time having my boyfriend back in Philadelphia and me back home in Japan. Right now I am debating if I want to go back to the states for him or stay here. Sure, we all have some sort of stress or difficulties(whatever it is) that we have to deal with, don't we? I realize that it is actually hard to do so as I say so. However, I become pretty positive and can face with whatever that I have to deal with and I feel good about that! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your sense of humor and look forward to reading your upcoming book! Thanks again! :) Cheers,

[Leigh]

Speaking of checkout lines...first, let it be known that I'm pregnant and I have managed to catch cold number fourteen (in just under four months). As a result, I have a very sensitive gag-reflex. I can smell or think about something gross and immediately start to dry-heave. Anyway, I was in the checkout line at Target the other night and the most disgusting, emaciated-looking, dark stringy-haired couple got in line behind me. And then I heard it...THEY WERE KISSING AND MAKING OUT IN LINE! I shot them several dirty looks but they kept doing it. The sounds they were making were horrifying. Why do people do this? To make it worse, they were so friggin pale, they looked almost transparent. WHY?

[CLA]

Oh it bothers me so when the freaks arrive at Target. I thought the deal was that the freaks got Wal-Mart and left Target to us normal people. Maybe we should put the freaks on notice?

[Lori]

JEN! I adore you, but STOP insisting receiving drugs for every ailment! There is an immense problem of bacteria becoming resistant to antibiotics because people are prescribed them for viral infections (antibiotics kill bacteria, NOT viruses), or they do not take the entire course of antibiotics they were prescribed.

Please check out the following website (from the Centers of Disease Control):

http://www.cdc.gov/drugresistance/

I shall now step down from my soap box and mourn for your salt scrub, that damn Fletch!

[Lisa Johnson]

My husband also found out just how wonderfully tingly Tea Tree is!!! Now it's hands off all of my products. Love love love Target in fact stopping there on the way home from work tonight for a ceramic garden bench they have advertised in this weeks sale. One thing to be said, no matter how low the people can be at Target they are miles better than the best at Walmart which I will NOT step foot in.

[jaclyn]

Hi,

I just wanted to help answer your question as to why your doctor doesn't write you a prescription. For a lot of viral infections you will feel terrible, but drugs won't actually shorten the duration of your sickness. If you take too many antibiotics, bacteria will mutate faster to become immune, and this is why MRSA is spreading so much faster. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/20/MN1234A1.DTL&hw=mrsa&sn=001&sc=1000

Hope you are feeling better!

[jaclyn]

Hi,

I just wanted to help answer your question as to why your doctor doesn't write you a prescription. For a lot of viral infections you will feel terrible, but drugs won't actually shorten the duration of your sickness. If you take too many antibiotics, bacteria will mutate faster to become immune, and this is why MRSA is spreading so much faster. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/20/MN1234A1.DTL&hw=mrsa&sn=001&sc=1000

Hope you are feeling better!

[Karina in T.O]

To Nicole in Seattle - be very careful what you wish for, sister! Its a slippery slope from your man using a little scrub once in a while to a full blown metro-sexual who's in there creaming, buffing and gelling himself up for a good 20 minutes! I've actually gotten nudged out of the mirror a couple of times now.

On the other hand, if you offer to do the scrubbing for him, giddie up! You can do your part for the environment and conserve water and exfoliate his back, ya know what I mean??

[Shelli]

AMEN Sister!!

[dodim]

You are on notice for informing me that there is such a thing as meat free corn dogs.

What the f^ck????? Did people actually sit around a board room and think, "Hey... know what those herbivores are missing? Corn Dogs!"

Gag.

[trish]

Okay, you will appreciate this...I had filled a gel pump dispenser with TEA TREE shampoo for ease of dispensing, and since my husband cannot read, he assumed it was regular "shower product". He propmtly washed his entire self, and nearly set his balls ablaze with the tingly sensation tea tree promises...needless to say, he no longer uses "my stuff" in the shower...

[Christa Booth]

DOOCE ROCKS!!! JENNSYLVANIA ROCKS!!!

My two favorite and ONLY blogs I read. Why you ask? Because nobody can make me laugh like you two.

I heart you Jen!!! (I'm not a stalker!!)

[Allison de la Garza]

I second Jennifer from Dallas' comment. My husband's ass would also benefit from a nice scrub. I mean, shouldn't I get the same respect as him? My nicely exfoliated ass smells like a flower every time he has to kiss it; His? Not so much.

[Sally]

I am concerned because, based on this and previous posts, I am under the impression that you go to the Target on Elston. You need to go to the Target on Addison. It is 2 floors, a lot less crowded, cleaner, sold out of a lot less stuff, and if you go to the back of the store and take a right, you can park in the parking garage so your car won't get snowed/rained on. All over a much better experience than the Target on Elston. And while I am certain there's still some "unique" shoppers at the Addison Target, in my experience, there are less per capita than at the Elston Target.

[Nicole in Seattle]

I, for one, would love it if my husband took to beauty products. His ass could use a good scrub.

[Jennifer In Dallas]

What? I am so lost...what did the first half of your post mean...I get the part past fletch. and laughed sorry to be so dumb, since everyone else seems to get it. OH, and I love love love that your coming to town. I will be dragging everyone I know so let me know when so I can start threatening/inviting my posse.

[Katie C]

Stop everything! They sell beer at Target?

That doesn't happen at the Target I frequent, here in Salt Lake City.

Good think, though, because if it sold Pinot, I swear to god, I'd never leave.

I love putting people/things on notice. I honestly can't remember how I expressed frustration before Stephen Colbert came into my life, er, tv.

[mamikaze]

tofu dogs, beer and condoms? what a wild night.

I heart Steven Colbert. His new book is hilarious, even better in audiobooks.

writing in lieu of therapy is the only way to do it!

[Cyndi]

I.
love.
you!

Colbert is on my celebrity freebie list (come on, admit it - you have one, too!) and your On Notice list is hysterical. It's perfect!

[Erin]

Writing for therapy seems like a smart move to me! Let's see... going to a therapist, you pay them. Writing and selling books, people pay you. What's more therapeutic, really? I am thinking very seriously about who (I was told "whom" is outdated- agree?) I would put on notice. There must be so many. Where to begin...

[Liz]

Jen, after this post I just re-bought Bitter is the New Black (my punk friend stole my other copy and refuses to give it back because she loves you so much). I love you and I'm considering planning a visit to my parents' to coincide with your trip to Indianapolis! Ahh, such a stalker.

[celticbuffy]

How is it that news about Britney Spears seems to suck us all in? She's everywhere!

Love the on notice board! It's not just significant others that use/ruin that precious body scrub....so do teens and pre-teens! I've taken to hiding mine because it seems that if it's in the bathroom it's considered community property.

Thanks for brining another great laugh into my day!

[Liz K]

I am putting myself on notice because of all the times I dragged my fiance into Sephora & Kiehls with me, and wished he would stop whining about it already and let me shop in peace, he now has spent so much time in the men's sections that he has tried a lot of the products, and now likes to shop there too. Now there are two people in one household spending too much money on bath & beauty products and this past weekend he asked if we could go to Sephora because he "just wanted to get something..." Be careful what you wish for :)

[Sister Honey Bunch]

I just need to share that I am LOVING Bitter is the New Black and shared it on my blog. It is freaking hillarious. I am so happy I found you!!!!

P.S. I am not a stalker.

[Cori]

Hey, Jen- I want to offer you my services as a physician! I am also an asthma specialist. I have one daughter and still work part-time. You have to come to Kansas City, though!

[Kelly]

Got one Target story to really throw you. Two of my girlfriends were shopping at our local Target when they happened upon a stay at home father of children we know. His partner, also male, goes to work. And what would he have in his cart - the largest tub of Vaseline made. I'm just saying...

[Gail]

Jen, is this the website? I am at work and it is blocked for streaming media, so I hope it's right...
www.shipbrook.com/onnotice

[Karina in T.O]

LOVE IT Jen! I feel your pain!!

I've advised Kirk the only 'girlie' item he can use (without asking permission from his day shift supervisor -ME!!) are the Oil of Olay products. Otherwise all Bath & Body/Sephora purchased items must be used only on special occasions.

I've taken care of the colourist issue by finding a gal who's well past child bearing age and not quite into the rheumatoid arthritis part of her life.

The Doctor? Same thing, found a woman GP who's a good 15 years away from retirement who isn't afraid to whip out the prescription pad....

And the Brit thing? Does it make me a bad person that since the Anna Nicole Smith debacle I've wanted to start an office 'death pool'? Because eventhough I don't wish her any ill will I can just....ya know....feel it coming?? I've also put cash on Wolf Blitzer to have to make any such announcements, seeing as with Anna Nicole he clearly drew the short straw and had to attempt to keep a straight face for hours on end covering this 'breaking news story'. From Presidents to Popes to Poptarts.

P.s. Going through my second reading of Bitter....still love it just as much, still getting odd looks on public transit when I have laughy fits.

[booyah]

grrr bath and body stopped carrying the salt scrub from the spa line, so now I know what the good stuff is like, but cannot get it anymore!!!!!!!!!

[Jen on the Edge]

This post proves once again why your books are so damn popular. Thanks for the snot-and-tear-inducing laughs this morning.

[Alexandra]

At least you can still string a sentence together - thanks for the belly laughs this morning! (and Fletch? Don't just offer to buy more - actually do it without being asked - mucho points for effort with that one!) XOXO

[Trixie]

Jen, you're so right on the necessary services. My stylist is pregnant with #2, and #1 led to one bad cut and one OK cut. I seriously doubt her daughter appreciates her more than I do. Anyway, I'm already stressing.

[Chelsea Talks Smack]

That notice to Britney needs to be on a fucking billboard outside of every Shell station she stops at, just as a reminder...."we're all pullin' for ya Brit...Don't let the people down!"

and the paparazzi man- is a douche.

Britney should let someone hug her.

[patricia]

Oh, I don't know. Writing in lieu of therapy has been working for me so far. Besides, if I'd gone the therapy route, I wouldn't have had the money to buy my very pretty MacBook which gives me access to the wonders of the internets. Now that would be a pity for sure! Given a choice, porn wins over sanity EVERY day. Yes.

[carrie]

Why don't guys understand the "salt scrub in the shower, no touch-ee" rule? (I have a gloppy, runny tub of pink goo in my shower to prove it is in fact an XY thing!)

[Vanessa]

Why is it that all the weirdos come out and immediately head for Target? I love that place and sometimes the experience is just ruined for me by the freaks in the check out line. Like the lady with the produce bags on her feet and plastered over the handle of the shopping cart telling me she didn't like what was in my shopping basket because there was cauliflower in there. Ok, Lady? YOU are NOT the voice of reason here!