New Year's State of the Blog Address, 2008

UPDATE:  Thank you all for thinking of my mom - she's gotten over 300 greetings so far and you guys have totally made her day!  I'm taking the link down now because I guess we have kind of overwhelmed the volunteer staff.  Thank you again!

A lot of you guys have been emailing me about what I've been up to as the site's technically been dark since last year. 

But before I get into updates, I've got a request. 

My mom's in the hospital recovering from surgery (short version is she's going to be fine, long version is when your doctor tells you to avoid certain foods for the rest of your life OR ELSE, you should maybe listen) and I found a way for people to send her a quick electronic greeting.*  She's definitely on the mend because she's getting restless, so I thought she'd get a kick out of hearing from anyone who's interested. 

*I'm hoping this hospital has some redundancy/latency built into its network and the act of you guys sending e-greeting cards doesn't cause it to crash or slow down.  I admit I'm slightly dubious because this is the same town where my 4Runner broke down back in 2002 and it took the auto repair shop almost six weeks to fix a cracked engine block.  (I sensed I was in trouble when the tow truck guy showed up and said something along the lines of, "I ain't never seen no car like that before."  Yeah, Toyotas are EXOTIC, ain't they?  Of course they charged us $1500 for a repair that would have cost $5000 up here, so it wasn't a total loss.) 

Anyway, onward and upward.

As for me, I haven't posted because the only thing I would have written was OW OW OW over and over again.  Among other assorted holiday maladies, I had the GENIUS idea to cash out the rest of my 2007 FSA by getting all my dentistry taken care of on New Years' Eve day as I was not about to let that $255 go to waste.

Again, GENIUS, right?

A bit of advice, if I may?  If you ever decide you'd like to shitcan all ten million of your silver fillings and trade them in for porcelain ones because you are vain enough to think anyone cares what the inside of your mouth looks like, keep in mind the process will HURT LIKE A BITCH and that doing them all at the same time is EXTRAORDINARILY STUPID.

Also?

NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHAT THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH LOOKS LIKE. 

So, instead of going to any festive New Year's parties, I spent three days crying every time air hit my teeth and sucking down the Codeine Fletch had previously ferreted away from me because he figured I'd have used it recreationally.  (Strong is the force in that one.)  I have high hopes to begin chewing again this week.

What else?  Oh, yeah, I wasn't even going to address this because it kind of isn't worth it, and yet I've gotten enough email to be annoyed to the extent I have to respond.  People, I don't think New Year's resolutions are a bad thing, OK?  And if you've made resolutions, stuck to them, and found ways to improve your life, that's great!  Good on you!  The point of my post was that everywhere I'd gone that day strangers asked me about my resolutions and I thought it too personal a question to pose as a generic silence-filler.  Period.  So please cease and desist attempting to engage me in an argument about whether or not resolutions are effective and sending me detailed lists of all the things you've accomplished via resolution because I don't care, WHAT WITH YOUR RESOLUTIONS BEING NONE OF MY BUSINESS.  Aarrggh.  (And no, I didn't respond to each of these emailers suggesting they resolve to improve their reading comprehension.)  (I blame the Codeine for taking away my edge.)

Finally, the ratinmyhouse situation... two weeks ago Fletch said there was no way any rodent would still be here, what with the six hungry carnivores we keep.  He swore up and down that nothing could survive the killing fields of our house and that the second the guys caught the scent of vermin, their instincts would kick in and it would be over.  Dogs and cats would work together to circle and trap their prey, snapping and tearing and rending flesh before going all Lord of the Flies, putting the tiny rat/mouse head on a stake as a warning to any other who dared cross their paths.

Fletch sounded convincing, yet when I looked at the five furry mass murderers, all snoozing comfortably together on the guest bed, I had my doubts.  (FYI, the sixth killer was in the guest room closet, curled up on my cashmere sweaters.)  Oh, yes, he promised me again and again over the course of his Christmas vacation, that rodent was long gone, so I returned to eating my room-temperature soup and trying not to cry.

A couple of days ago, Fletch had to access a plug in his little back-porch office.  I heard him moving furniture to get to the outlet before poking his head into the kitchen to ask me, "Hey, why do you think there's a hundred pieces of dog food behind the couch?"

"Hmm," I replied.  "I guess maybe because the ratinmyhouse you promised had left?  Didn't."

The good news, and I use the term loosely, is we've definitely determined him (please, God, let it be a him) to be a mouse based on, um, what he left behind.  The bad news is he's evaded every means/person we've employed to chase/capture/kill him. 

Also, the creature in question is definitely NOT Remy from Ratatouille because he much prefers his traps loaded with plain old Wisconsin cheddar over the more nuanced flavors of artisanal Machego and smoked Gouda.  (Yet another unimportant side note?  I thought watching Ratatouille would make me less squicked out over the idea of having a ratinmyhouse and yet I swear my heart stopped beating every time I saw the vermin congregate.)

Even worse, this goddamned creature is turning me into Carl Spackler from Caddyshack as I try to get him with non-traditional means and by non-traditional means, let's just say there's been more running around the kitchen banging pot lids together than I care to mention. 

Last night I decided the reason we haven't been able to flush him out is because we don't know where he's hiding anymore... so I came up with yet another GENIUS idea.  I spread flour out in front of all the places I thought he might be, thinking he'd walk in the flour, leave little powdery footprints and I could ambush him in his home.

Again, did I mention the GENIUS part?

Here's what I learned from this little CSI: Martha Stewart exercise:

• Although they will leave a slash where their tail trails (thus confirming their continued presence) mouse-feet are too small to pick up enough flour to leave tracks.
• Cat-feet, however, are not.  Would you like a detailed account of every place each of my extraordinarily busy cats walked last night?  Because I can give it to you. 
• Stupid pit bulls named Maisy think raw flour is the most delicious treat imaginable and will lap that shit up until the combination of flour and saliva glues her jaw shut.
• Flour, particularly when having been licked to the point of adhesion, will never, ever completely come out of hardwood.  Or leather.  Or wool.

Aarrggh.

So... that's what's been happening around here.

Aren't you glad you asked?

   

Comments

[Rebecca]

It took us two months to get the nasty little mouse in our house. Peanut butter and snap traps are what led to his demise. I was just glad we weren't out of town longer. Who knows how long he was in that trap? Sick.

[tutugirl1345]

HAHAHAHAHA...that just made my day of shepherding wanna be sorority girls around so much better :)

[Kathryn]

my trusty guard-golden retriever was more afraid of the teeny tiny field mice we had a few years ago than me - way to earn your keep, Maggie!

the best solution we found was to get one of those electric radio wave thingys that you plug in and they emit these super high-pitched sounds that rodents HATE and cats and dogs cannot detect

[DGs World By Big D]

Jen - I did the same thing with my old silver fillings a few years ago. I was about to lose my dental insurance, so my husband and I raced into the dental office for loads of work before the bitch expired. Yep. It hurt. But, hey, I got Valium AND Coedine out of it - so all in all, a success.

Now. Tell me about BOTOX. How goes it??? I'm dying to know. I'm thinking about doing it as a preventative measure. The dermatologist tells me now is the time, before the lines get deep. Agree or disagree? Thanks! Love the blog.

[Katie]

I have 2 words - GLUE TRAPS.
We had a mouse in our apartment once and it only took a day and a half to catch it with glue traps.

Growing up we once had a ground squirrel in the house and our blood thirsty cat saw it run and just sat there and did nothing. We finally found it a few days later and the cat still didn't care. But if it was outside we would have found four little ground squirrel paws outside our back door.

[Jen]

Seriously, you're the greatest. Granted, I just snorted quite loudly in my cubicle at work but I'll still continue to check your site everyday on lunch regardless of the consequences.

Good luck with the rat situation...I have 3 cats and I can't even remember the last time they killed anything. Oh wait there was a spider once that one stared at so I went to look at what she was looking at, only to scream at the size of the spider and promptly run away. She continued staring long enough for me to find someone else to take care of it. Great job huh?

[Ani]

Thank you thank you thank you for cheering me up this morning - and I'm sorry it's at the cost of your misery. But really, thank you. My crappy night and morning has suddenly gotten better.

[Rebecca]

We've had a couple mice here in the office. As much as it pains me to say this, and I only am because I like you more than mice, peanut butter in a mouse trap works wonders. They can't resist it. My boss killed 3 in his office. I was rooting for the mice, I kept leaving the door cracked for them to get out, and I thought surely after the first one ate the peanut butter the rest would get the hint and am-scray, but alas - mice are not genius.

[Amy]

What about your gall bladder? I'm sitting here as I type recovering from that surgery... and thought you were having issues too.

:)
Amy

[Heather]

I just watched Ratatouille last night myself, and there were definitely parts that squicked me out! Good luck with getting rid of your uninvited guest!

[Hilary]

I agree about the peanut butter - also, if you can find the snap traps that have the holder thingy (where you put the PB) that looks like cheese, those always worked the best for us! (Don't ask why I have so much experience...)

[the governor of jennsylvania]

State of the gall bladder is unsure. Stomach problems have lessened so the doctor is sending me for tests. (She isn't being nearly as aggressive as my zero years of medical training tells me she should be.)

On the plus side, the nice thing about not being able to chew is that I don't want to eat.

[Linda]

Hi Jen,
This is not a complaint, just a question. Can you make the font a little bit bigger on your (comments)? I'm having a really hard time reading them.
Love YA!!!

[Tracie]

ZOMG soooo funny. I laughed out loud at my desk for this entire post. I can just picture all the kitty feet all over the house. One of my own three cats prefers to sleep on my sweaters also. :)

[Vanessa]

General FYI? Newly flocked Christmas trees will provide the same white feet on everything effect if the cat is allowed to help.

Hope you and your mom are on the mend soon!

[Heide]

Glad to hear the Gall Bladder is not acting up... But that prob. has more to do with not eating too much so it can't. You need to get an ultrasound of your gall bladder to see if you have stones and then a HITA scan to confirm after that... I had gall stones last year and then had to have "Gladys" taken out. And yes, I did name my Gall Bladder. It ended up being better to talk about Gladys then my Gall Bladder. Avoid Fried foods and I had problems with pasta... Good luck!

[Susan]

Ditto on the snorting/laughing at work comments. I have developed, unfortunately, a very "special ed" type laugh that seems to come out when I read something that cracks me up like the CSI: Martha Stewart maneuver.

Jen, remember when in elemenentary school kids would make paper-machier (sp?) masks by putting wet newspaper strips over balloons? Then, once dried, you'd pop the balloon and paint it? Remember what was used as glue to saturate the paper strips? Flour and water. Go figure!

[Jamie]

OMG. I had my gall bladder removed for cosmetic reasons five years ago and I still have a problem with fried foods and pizza (of all things).

CSI: Martha! Ha! You're too much. Good luck with the mouse. I've found that screeching irrationally and incoherently and jumping on the furniture at odd and inconvenient times to be a large motivation to the male species to do something.

[AJ]

I totally sent your mom a card- I think that is such a cool idea!

[Vanessa]

Jamie, I'm so curious..."I had my gall bladder removed for cosmetic reasons five years ago" What were the cosmetic reasons?

[The House and I]

First of all: I hope your mom's okay.

Second: Sympathies on your Dental Damn. I've been going through (and, to the dismay of my readers, blogging about) one of my own for the past four months. You are smart. Do it all while it is paid for. Do it now (well, not NOW, because now it is January and you might as well wait another year).

Third: I always advise people that cats are the answer to their mousey problems, but I guess I'm wrong. I guess I just got lucky. Rock on, Stupid Cat!

[Nicole]

Jen, supposedly old-fashioned mercury fillings do leach into your system over time and the white ones are supposed to be much healthier. I know, Botox (with the key part being TOX) and all, you probably don't care, but I wanted to let you know that aside from vanity there may be other unseen health benefits from ditching those fillings as well. Hope you feel better soon.

[Mimi]

I can't stop laughing! Thanks for posting with an update...you always make me laugh.

I love the whole flour/dog thing (although I am aware that you probably don't).

And, as a teacher, thanks for the shout-out to poor reading comp...adults are sometimes worse than my second graders....(sigh)

[Kimmy]

I am very afraid of the dentist needle that freezes my mouth, so my dentist replaced fillings on 1 side of my mouth at once. They were very sensitive for a long time cold. I found that Sensodyne toothpaste really did help.
I also had gallstones (I had my gallbladder removed), but I found when I had attacks, taking Advil when the attack starts helped a lot with the pain.

[Heidi]

Years back, we had a mouse in our house. We set out traps, but he had absolutely no interest in the cheese, so we couldn't catch him that way.

However, he absolutely could not resist the salami we left for him. Seriously? Try it.