The Final Chapter?

The idiots next door are gone.

For a while, I contemplated if I was being unfair calling them idiots.  Honestly, I never got to know them and it's not like I ever had the opportunity to administer an IQ test or examine their SAT scores.  (And like I, Miss-400-on-the-math-portion-and-seriously-how-did-I-even-get-into-college-with-that-score?, had any room to talk.) 

Maybe the folks next door had good reasons for covering their broken windows with garbage bags rather than panes of glass? 

I began to wonder if the family wasn't really pragmatic and I had no business laughing myself into a pant-wetting asthma attack when their son decided to trim up their diseased tree, wearing a scuba mask and snorkel instead of safety glasses.  And surely there was a good reason they chose not to cut the whole stupid tree down before its rotting trunk collapsed and crushed my garage, right?

Perhaps there were solid, smart environmental motives prompting them to forgo shoveling and simply pour salt directly from the shaker on their sidewalk after every storm?

Could it be they had a higher purpose in mind and they deliberately chose to never mow their backyard, and thus attract all those rats?  (Technically, I can't say they never, ever cut their lawn because that one time I did see them attack their five-foot weeds with a pair of kitchen scissors.)  Speaking of yards, maybe they intended to give back all my empty garden pots that blew over the fence last year and just hadn't had the chance?

It occurred to me that maybe, MAYBE my quick-to-judge-self was being a bit too hard on them.  Maybe they weren't idiots.  Maybe it was just me being a jerk.  (Wouldn't be the first time.)

And then I watched them move.

* * *

November 27 - I'm sitting in my office upstairs when I hear commotion outside.  It's different than the usual garbage-pirate-pushing-a-stolen-cart-full-of-scrap-metal down the street, so I peep out the window and see two burly men forcing a For Sale sign into the frozen ground next door.

My screams of joy can be heard as far as Iowa.

November 28 to December 7 - I log onto their realtor's website almost every hour hoping to catch a glimpse of what's behind their blanket-and-towel covered windows.  I don't find their listing, but do run across a number of other neighborhood properties and I'm horrified/fascinated at how much people are charging for the privilege of owning a house here.  Although, I guess if you want to buy a bag of weed locally or desire to know what traffic on the expressway is like by simply looking out the window, then my street is ideal.

December 8 - SCORE!  The listing goes live!  However, there are no photos, just a description saying the property needs to be gut-rehabbed, like, yesterday.  Pfft, I KNEW that.  Also, the place is already under contract even though all the other homes on this street have been on the market for over a year, most likely because the next door asking price was between three and five HUNDRED THOUSAND less than neighborhood comps.

December 9 - Speculation about the buyers begins and Fletch gets a lot of annoying phone calls at work.

"Who do you think bought the place next door?"

* * *

"What if I sell another book and I have to live next door to a construction site?"

* * *

"Do you think they'll just burn the place to the ground and start over?"

* * *

"What if the assholes who re-did the place down the street are hired to do the rehab and they leave a propane torch on again and almost poison us like they did the neighbors' baby?"

* * *

"What if they DON'T rehab it?  What if a slumlord bought it and turns the place into two low-income apartments and a bunch of loud people sit outside on the stoop and yell at each other every day?  I realize I said the new owners can't get worse than the current crop of idiots, but that's not true.  It can ALWAYS get worse."

* * *

"What if the new owners are a bunch of uptight Yuppies and they think we're the trashy neighbors?"

* * *

Not coincidentally, Fletch starts letting all my calls go to voice mail.

December 14 - A Realtor-type guy pulls up in front of the house next door.  In the past week, wind has caused part of the For Sale sign to come unhooked from its chain on the post.  Naturally, the neighbors have re-secured the flapping piece of metal with an old tube sock.  Um, that's one way to reduce. reuse, recycle, I guess.  The Realtor clenches his jaw before tossing the sign in the back of his SUV.  Does this mean the deal is done?

December 16, 10:00 AM - I wake up to eight inches of snow and the most glorious sight in the entire world - a UHaul truck parked across the street!  I make Fletch get out of bed early so we can sit on the couch, drink coffee, and see what kind of crap the neighbors move out of their house.

I sip and gloat for about five minutes when I realize the people next door are having to trudge through my unshoveled sidewalk to cross the street to get to their truck.  It's one thing to sit and mock them, but if I actively participate in making this move harder on them, then it's ME who is the jerk.  I throw on my winter gear and head out to shovel. 

While I'm working, the kid comes out with a Playskool My First Shovel and begins to clear his own path with his twee little tool.  Since my car is in front of their house, I ask the kid if it would be easier for them if I move it up a couple of houses, thus leaving the equivalent of four car lengths open in front of their place.  He says yes, so I do, and then because I'm not a jerk, I offer to salt their walk.  I don't salt their stairs because they haven't shoveled them yet.  I return indoors to my coffee and quiet snark.

* * *

"Hey, they've been out there a while.  Why do you think they haven't shoveled their stairs?  And why haven't they moved their truck?  There's plenty of room."

* * *

"Seriously, why haven't they moved their truck yet?  They keep walking across an unplowed street with all their shit.  Wouldn't it be easier if they just parked in front?"

* * *

"OK, it's been THREE HOURS.  Surely if someone left with the UHaul's keys, they're back by now.  Every step they take on the street is through eight inches of snow."

* * *

"Now the kid has some friends over there and they're having a snowball fight.  KIDS!  Get back to work!  You're paying for that truck by the hour!"

* * *

"There's the mom and the dad and four open spaces.  Surely one of them has the keys - use them!  It's been FIVE HOURS.  Why are they not moving their truck?  And why do they refuse to shovel their stairs?"

* * *

At some point during the afternoon, Fletch and the dogs slink off to a less yell-y part of the house, yet I can't pull myself away.

* * *

"Stop throwing snowballs, Dad, you're getting the loading ramp all wet!  And kid, you're a sixteen year old boy - you can carry more than a wicker basket and a roll of paper towels!  While you're at it, MOVE THE FUCKING TRUCK!"

* * *

"Why would they turn the truck's headlights on and then walk away for an hour?  Why?  WHY?"

* * *

"The lights are STILL ON.  And no, I'm not going over to tell them.  They keep passing in front of the truck - at some point, you'd think they'd notice.  Jesus Christ, these people are like the goddamned pandas they talked about on Fight Club who are too goddamned dumb to reproduce and save their own species."

* * *

"OK, fine, if I'm driving you crazy, I'll stop spying and go to the ATM and to Target.  But I'm taking my car and I swear to God, if they're gone when I get back, I'm parking in the space they had and FORCING them to move their stupid asshole truck closer to their stupid asshole house."

* * *

I'm coming back from the ATM and I'm stopped at a red light at Elston and Fullerton.  When it's my turn to go, I'm about to cross northbound.  Before I get the chance, I see a big UHaul truck come careening westbound against the light.  All the truck's occupants are screaming and flailing their arms like the Team America distress call.

Of course it's them.  Of course it fucking is.

* * *

"It's 1:30 AM and they're still moving shit.  Doesn't that kid have school tomorrow?  Now they can't get up the ramp because it's too icy.  YOU KNOW WHAT?  THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T THROW SNOWBALLS."

* * *

December 17 - I think they're gone.  They leave their ancient foil-covered screen door open and flapping in the wind.  If it breaks, will they have more tube socks to fix it?  Or will it matter?  The banging finally starts to bother Fletch and he goes over to shut it.  He says the stairs are covered with dirt, as though someone had hauled out bags and bags of potting soil.  There weren't any in the backyard, so the dirt must have come from the basement.  Weird. 

Fletch says the second he touches their door, the hair on the back of his neck stands up and he gets a vision of basement shelves lined with Mason jars, filled with human hands.  He runs back to our house and bolts the door behind him.   

December 18 - The truck is back.  They're still moving. 

December 18 - Still moving, still using the truck.

December 19 - Still moving.

December 20 - Still moving.

December 21 - Couldn't they have hired movers for the cost of renting a UHaul for six days?

December 22 - I wake up to more banging.  This time it sounds as though they're tearing the banister off the staircase on the other side of the wall.  The banging continues all day and at dusk, we see the neighbors haul out a huge stack of unfinished 2x4s and put them in their trunk.  Fletch comments, "There's not going to be a wire, toilet seat, or light bulb left in that place."

December 24 - The truck is finally gone and we haven't seen it/them for a couple of days.  In the garbage, there are a bunch of ten year old computer monitors.  The backs have been pried off and circuitry removed.  "Why would they pull that stuff out?" I ask Fletch.  He replies, "My guess is to keep the black helicopters away." 

December 25 - "Honey, look, they're moving today.  You can't move today.  It's Christmas.  You're either supposed to celebrate and open presents and stuff yourself on prime rib or get Chinese food and go to a movie.  You can't move today, no matter how stupid you are.  You just... can't."

I begin to feel bad.  For whatever reason, they're still moving today and it has to suck.  Moving is hard enough as is, especially when the process is drawn-out.  But today's it's got to be a special kind of hell because it's freezing and it's dreary and surely they have ten million other things they'd rather be doing.

Something odd begins to happen in my chest.  (In Whoville they say the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day.)  As I watch them rubbing their hands together in the cold between trips to the car and wrapping their scarves more tightly around their necks, I suddenly kind of don't want to mock them any more. 

I kind of want to, I don't know, maybe be...  nice.

Thoughtful.  Helpful.  Sweet.

Like, maybe... I could bring them cookies or hot chocolate or something.  You know, be the kind of neighbor that's more concerned with human decency than selling exploitative stories. 

This could be my moment to redeem myself.

I'm in the kitchen, yanking down a box of powdered Dutch chocolate and pulling out a pitcher of heavy cream when Fletch calls me back to the living room.

"Hey," he says, gesturing towards the huddled gray figures out front, "aren't those all your pots that they're loading into their car right now?"

I take a deep breath and pause for a long time before I say, "Merry Christmas, you assholes.  Maybe your new neighbors can make you cocoa."

* * *

Now it's mid-January and I haven't seen them for weeks. 

It's over.

The new owners have placed a giant dumpster in the backyard as they prepare to rehab.  Contractors have been in and out and officials with clipborads have been crawling all over the place.  What's most interesting to me is the first order of business next door was to completely cut down the rotten old tree looming over my garage.

I don't know who owns the place next door now.

But I'm pretty sure I like them.

Comments

[Cologal]

Jen,

I just finished reading Big Ass, so your post could not be more timely. I loved the book and laughed so hard that I 1)rolled off my couch, 2)suffered from blindness when my eyelashes stuck together from me laughing so hard I cried, creating a glue from my mascara, moisturizer, and eye shadow, which I had wiped all over my face during the previous bouts of laughter in the same evening, 3) drove my husband into another part of the house, and 4) convinced my book club that Bitter should be the next book club suggestion. (That makes another 14 Bitter books sold!!)

I am so sad that Denver is not on the book tour AND I have to wait until May to get the darn thing. What will I do until then? Are you working on the fourth yet?

[angeelew]

Awesome! I appreciate the dog poop advice! I'm gonna try Shannon's suggestion first ... if the cayenne pepper doesn't work (husband is going outside RIGHT NOW to sprinkle it all over the damn place), then I will REALLY have to consider using Lilly's suggestion ... how creative! Dog poop on the car door handles! Brilliant!

Jen, I am so indebted to you ... you have created such a HELPFUL community! :o)

[krystyn]

Hilarious, as usual!

Totally unrelated, but after reading your two books, I called my husband an "asshat." His response, "what is an asshat?" My response "you." Then, later he asked me again, and you know what, I couldn't really think of a good definition....so, Jenn, enlighten me, please?!?!

[Katie P in Columbus]

Dang, I meant to "Karina in T.O."
I need some coffee. STAT.

[Katie P in Columbus]

To Jane: Nope, not Matthew McConaughey (wish it was, haha)...just some artsy dude in a beret and scarf. Eurotrash-ish, but my only encounter with him so far was when I swore loudly upon realizing his UHaul was blocking my garage and car (didn't know he was standing two feet away, oops).

[kim]

I thought my neighbors were bad! Their stupid son walks through our yard, picks up my dogs (they're twee pocket sized dogs) WITHOUT SAYING HELLO, and rides his bike through our yard. My husband saw him putting something in our mailbox and yelled at him...I'm afraid it was a letter bomb and he's going to be back for retaliation. Is it bad that at 26 and 30 we each sound like Mr. Wilson already?
BTW, I'm driving from Milwaukee to Indianapolis for the reading (more of amigas are down there than in Chi-town). Soooo psyched. Although it's way early, I've never been to one of your readings. As such, I'm unaware as to how the Chardonnay swilling goes, but my friends and I are obsessed (though not in a dangerous way) with you and would LOVE to take you out for drinks. Will you be posting if you're going to have a post-reading outing?

[Jacqueline]

Long time reader, sporadic commenter...good gord, I THINK THIS IS MY MOST FAVORITE POST EVER!
Can't wait to see you in Chelsea.. I went to your reading last year and you were so funny and charismatic. (I was all stuttery and retarded and tried to explain that you were signing the book for my sister but really I'm the Super Fan and gah-it-made-no-sense-why-can't-I-shut-up?)
You need to have a talk show, Jen. Seriously.

[Christine in Indy]

I seriously just laugh/snorted so loud that I woke up my son.

Oops. :)

[Jen on the Edge]

This may just be one of my favorite posts yet. Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I now need to reapply my mascara.

[Melissa]

"All the truck's occupants are screaming and flailing their arms like the Team America distress call."

hehehehe...OMG, I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughin outloud, at work, at that. I could just see this Uhaul full of people all waving their arms above their heads, but they all looked like those puppet things in Team America. *sigh*

Anyway, glad they aren't next to you anymore. I hope the new neighbors are great and I can't wait until your new book and tour.

[Kevin]

Ok, I flew through Chicago around the time your neighbors were moving. Holy hell, it was as cold as a weiner dog's...well, you know. How could anyone in their right mind be moving in that weather, the damn cold and snow delayed our flight 3 hours (thanks Chicago) and made us miss our connection in London. (another reason why you should come to LA...it's warm nearly all year long)

I kind of feel bad for them. Did you tell them they took your pots, because this guy woulda yelled and got my stuff back?

[T. Isho]

Hooray for neighbors moving! I wish the people who live in the apartment above me would get the heck out. I don't know if their complete wackos, or idiots but I'm convinced they all weight at least 350 pounds from all the stomping I hear. STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP! Sometimes it's at like 12 in the morning. Every so often I stomp on the ceiling (no fancy acrobatics here; I have a loft bed) to see how they like it. It doesn't really help, but it does make me feel better. The noise is enough to drive a woman crazy. I think it already has.

[Lisa Johnson]

The neighbors across from my parents seem to have a problem with their riding lawn mower. It must not like to be riden. After months and months of grass growing weather, Shorty (yep that's his name) finally puts down his beer can and jumps on the mower that's been sitting proudly in front of their living room windows next to the front stoop where he got off of it the year before. Shorty makes 2 or 3 passes aroung their 1 acre yard and parks that puppy back in front of the house. What is it a frickin yard ornament? Now their yard looks like a field of wheat that some alien has made crop circles in! We can only hope this spring he'll be more inspired. Should I wag a 6 pack of Schlitz in front of him? I thought maybe he'd been tossed in the pokey again but when looking him up on our wonderful state court system I find Mr Shorty's been busted twice for EXPOSING MR SHORTY!!! He's court ordered to stay away from Kohl's Dept Store. Maybe the tall grass is camo for his peeping ways??? Or possibly deep cover from the cops??

[Karina in T.O]

To Katie P in Columbus --Dude, playing the bongos and pot smoking? Are you living next door to Matthew McConaughey???!!!

[Jane]

OK, here's a great bad neighbor story. My neighbor, next door was apparently the local drug connection. She has people in and out all day, walking across my lawn to get to her place...all day, low lifes in - low lifes out. The whole 'hood was up in arms, well, not a 'hood actually, but a very nice family community. We were constantly calling the police, and they were constantly missing all the action. I was afraid they were never going to stop the parade of losers!

Well, finally, after a year, all activity stopped next door...seems the little drug dealer was arrested for MURDER in another county! So, the house is boarded up and awaiting her release from prison.

We can hardly wait!

[Carmen]

Jen, you made my morning! And don't worry when you come to Texas I will be there with pearls on!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for coming to Dallas, I am most willing to crawl down the freeway to hear you!

[Trixie]

Looks like 2008 will be a good year for you.

Gonna miss the neighbor stories though.

[shannon]

You people make me feel so less alone in living with nightmare neighbors. Angeelew, I am also living with one particular neighbor (she has no yard, crappy apt bldg three blocks down) who 'walks' her leashless dog while she yaps on her cellphone- not paying any attention to where he's crapping. I have two dogs- plastic bags in my coat pocket don't seem to be too much for ME! Chasing her down the street in my nightie at 10pm and yelling seemed to help, yo. Also? Buy a huge container of cayenne pepper at Smart & Final and sprinkle it liberally in your grass- your neighbors pets will avoid it like the plague! Anyway, thanks for the laughs, Jen. May your new neighbors not 'flip' the property and sell it to a different fresh hell.

[Traci]

PRICELESS.FUCKING.PRICELESS.

I haven't laughed so hard, I mean you had me at 'Pandas.'

[Jessica]

Okay Lisa Ann just kilt me -- I seriously think I just coughed up a lung!

[Lilly Munster]

In my experience, when returning the poop to its orgional owner's yard, the nonsense just stops. They get the message fast.

When I was a kid my dad once took some dog poop on a stick and smeared it on the underside of the dog owners car door handle. What a surprise for them the next day when getting into their car!

[Michelle]

Our backyard neighbors are like that....when their kids talk too much, the dad yells, "Go get the duct tape, cause I'm gonna tape yee (yes, "yee") mout (yes, "mout") shut!" - As my parents say, "There's always one in every neighborhood.". Why the heck do they have to live catty corner to us!!!! UGH!

On a lighter note, the new IKEA is up and running, Jen...better than a two story Target, I hear :o)

[michelle]

That is the funniest damn story I've heard lately! You describe the nightmare in such detail I feel like I'm watching out the window with you! It is stories like this that will keep me going until the new book comes out. You have such a gift!!!

[angeelew]

The Target at Fullerton and Elston? That's the Target I used to shop at when we lived in Chicago! We lived in the Landmark Village on Diversey and Ashland ... damn, I didn't even know I was livng near the fabulous Jen Lancaster! I can totally picture your neighbors ... they may have lived next to us at one point!

Now that I'm back in Chandler, AZ, I am so lucky to have my best friends living next door (yes, we are such dorks and bought houses next to each other). And the people directly behind us are cool (no, I don't know the entire neighborhood ... a lot of people in AZ never even know what their neighbors look like 'cuz we just pull into our garages and never go outside because it is usually 150 degrees here). But the freaks on the OTHER side of us piss me off on a DAILY basis because they always let their dogs shit on our lawn and NEVER clean it up. I used to threaten to take my kid's shitty diapers and leave them face up on their lawn, but my husband physically restrained me and said the HOA might use the diapers to trace the DNA back to us (yes, our HOA is THAT crazy ... yet they don't go after the dog owners who don't pick up their dogs' shit ... WTF?). Now that Chloe's been out of diapers for years, and their dogs are STILL using our lawn for their own personal potty, I feel like shitting on their lawn myself!

I actually caught the bitch in the act (and when I say "bitch," I'm referring to the owner) of letting her dog poop on my lawn. Did she seem embarrassed? Did she immediately begin to tell me that she was going to clean it up as soon as the dog was finished? Did she even have a plastic bag with her? NNNNOOOOO! And when I asked her if she was gonna clean it up, she said she would be right back ... of course, it never happened! Who does that? God, I hate people! I think I'm going to start collecting all the dog poop and place it on her front step ... do you think she'll know it's me?

Still wish you were coming to AZ, Jen! :o)

[Serenity]

THIS is the kind of writing that drew me to your site in the first place. You had me hooked..hanging on to every last word waiting to see what was going to happen. And a final nail in that coffin that I knew would happen, just didn't know how.

DAMN I love when you write like this.

[Melissa]

ANYONE is a better neighbor than those idiots. Here's my glass in the air to good riddance.

[Melissa]

ANYONE is a better neighbor than those idiots. Here's my glass in the air to good riddance.

[Rachel]

Oh, if those were my pots, someone would've had to DIE.

[Katie P in Columbus]

Definitely had a wierdo neighbor situation as well. I live in a townhome where the next door neighbors took 6 months to abandon their home. They didn't move out when their lease was up, they stopped paying rent, packed up their stuff in the middle of the night, and booked it out of there. It took them up until two weeks ago for them to get everything out (I'm talking baby clothes, broken strollers, shoes, plants, etc) and they still left rotting food in the fridge...which they were nice enough to hose out on the driveway that we share. I almost felt bad for the guy who just moved in there (they filled it up as soon as the fresh paint dried), but my sympathy ran dry when I realized he smokes pot and plays bongos at night. Perfect.

[Somedayme2]

I feel ya there sister!

We have the "Drunks" two doors down. The BULLIES of the neighborhood...When we moved in our house, everytime we opened the front door for the first 3 months the police or ambulance was out front and going to their house! I do NOT exaggerate when I say EVERY time! So since then we have been privy to entirely TOO MUCH WRONG!!! The things that they do make your eyes bleed and your ear holes close up! I privacy fenced my back yard last year to limit the crap that we had to witness, the cool neighbors have dupped it "the compound" and guess what...they(the drunks) wanted to be our friends...so not wanting to be the Assholes, go figure, we accepted their friendship, WOW what a nightmare, having the opportunity to peer into that world! YIKES! That has since expired. I have been to the City Building to get a permit for a 30ft. privacy fence for this year...they say 8 is the highest, BUMMER.

And I didn't even get into lawn furniture or year round christmas deer on the porch roof!!! LIGHTED, like turned on in JUNE Christmas ANIMATED Reindeer!

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

Ah Jen, I just adore you! There's just nothing better than reading your blog and nearly snorting Diet Dr. Pepper out your nose at work.

I guess I'm coming to Indy to meet you...and I'm ok with that, since maybe your mom will be there as well. (Bring Fletch, too!)

PS - Lisa Ann, I loved your K-fed inspired post as well. That's good stuff!

[Lisa Ann]

When I first graduated from college, I lived in a studio apt for about a year. In the 12 months I lived there the people directly below me were dealing pot out of their window. Yep, it was a walk-up McWeed's. I actually sat there one night and video taped them as they nickel and dime-bagged their way to rent money. After they were arrested and evicted, the next tenet was just as interesting. She ran a walk-up Amsterdam-inspired peep-show window complete with red curtains and a bell. (I don't know how she rigged it, but bless her heart she re-wired something to get it to work.) The kids in the complex LOVED her. I moved as soon as my lease was up and stood in the parking lot doing my best Scarlett O'Hara fist in the air pose and vowed as GAWD as my witness never to live in anything that did not say "LUXURY" apartments again.
Which I do and was happy with right up until the day K-Fed Wanna Be moved in next door.... So if you can't beat them, join them. Every time he played some rap song that has more curse words than a sailor on a 6 month tour; I play ABBA/WHAM/The Go-Go's... He has "relations" with his girlfriend-du-jour; I bang my chair against the wall and yell "oh spank me big daddy" through a megaphone. He has a late night party, I play old Robert Tillman religious videos at 6 am on Sunday (with the volume on high and right next to his wall). Two days ago my land lord asked me what I had done. Apparently K-Fed Wanna Be was breaking his lease because the "crazy b*tch" next door was "cramping his style". Welcome to MY neighborhood :-)

[Erin]

Jen, THANK YOU for coming to Mpls. Can't wait to be there! I'll be watching for dates. Also, thank you for introducing the word asshat to my vocabulary. Love it. Third, thank you for pointing me to Miss Snark. I have lost many potentially productive hours reading her archives, but I now know that when I seek publication for my own masterpiece, if I fail, it will be about the writing, and not any unwitting asshattery (correct usage?)on my part.
Here's to new neighbors!

[Ginny]

There are so very MANY things I want to say about this post, however, I will limit myself to this: in the midst of all your Christmas Day stabbing stomach pains, pie-making disaster-after-disaster, etc., you actually contemplated making hot cocoa for those freaks??? You have a heart of gold, Jen. No matter how tough you talk and how mad you get -- a heart of gold!!! (P.S. - If you get to add any more cities onto your book tour, Raleigh, NC!! PLEASE?????)

[Karina in T.O]

You're so sweet Jen, getting ready to bust out the warm goodies for these dorksticks...the fact that you did so only moments before they seemed to steal your shit? Priceless!

I wish my neighbours were as interesting, but we live in a condo and the action is much more subdued...except with the kids use the hall like its a freakin' playroom, I don't really have much to complain about.

However your 'tube-sock' comment reminded me of my girlfriend Roxanne, who too had the neighbours from hell. When she was trying to sell her house, and put up the realty sign, the douchebags actually tied a line to it, strung up said line to their porch, and TIED THEIR LAUNDRY ON IT!!! The realter comes over, and there are socks and gitch hanging from a line that leads to the FOR SALE sign!!! He promptly gives the morons next door a not so polite "WTF is this???" When she told me that I almost peed with laughter.....

I think she'd be your kind of people!

[LauraJT77]

Why do I keep picturing the McPoyle brothers from It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia.
I need pictures

[Jenny]

Hi Jen!

This is my first time commenting, but I've read everything-- here and in book-form! This entry seriously made me laugh until I cried and snorted my coffee a little bit.

Thanks for all the funny! I live in San Diego, CA and wish you were coming here (it's sunny! and we have nice beaches! and, uh, the Zoo!) but, depending on the dates, will try to catch you in either San Fran or Seattle.

Good luck with the new neighbor-inos!

[tutugirl1345]

This story makes me feel better about going over to the neighbors' apartment 5 times to tell them to turn their thumping music down. On the other hand, I wish my life were as interesting as yours.

[laura]

LOL!!! "People watching" is such damn good entertainment.

Hope your new neighbors are a bit better. Makes me wonder though what our neighbors thought of us after our house sat empty for a month due to the stupid !@#&% mortgage, then showing up with a big 'ol 5th wheel trailer, a bunch of 4 wheelers, and 4 dogs! LOL! (Thankfully we know them all now and are friendly with them but I'm sure it gave them a shock!)