Eat, Pray, Sho- Oh, Forget It

THE BIT ABOUT THE CAR

Yeah, I'll admit it.  I kind of lost steam between writing the first post about Eat, Pray, Love and now.  I had plans to document my whole finding-myself-in-my-underpants-in-front-of-a-perfect-stranger story yesterday morning.  Instead, real life intervened. 

I said goodbye to Fletch and made my way upstairs to get dressed so I could work.  But before I got a chance to sit down at the computer, something caught my eye.  I looked past the garage and noticed chunks of snow and ice flying... almost as if having been hurled.  I heard the rev of an engine, over and over, growing more insistent.  And, despite the room's triple-paned glass, I heard obscenities. 

Clearly. 

Oh, so many obscenities. 

Four letter words filled the air in capital letters, with exclamation points, like one of the fight scenes from Batman, the Adam West era.

Our alley had claimed another victim. 

I threw a fleece on over my flannel nightgown, stepped into my woolly Crocs, grabbed my coat, and headed outside where Fletch was in a state of what can only be described as "bitchpanic." 

Fletch had gotten his car stuck in an eight-inch deep ice valley, formed in the perfect storm of snowing, hailing, melting, re-freezing, and non-storm-drain-cleaning-despite-having-asked-the-Alderman-twenty-times-to-please-please-please-do-something.  (To be fair, how can we expect proper neighborhood service when our Alderman is so busy sending us literature on why the Iraq war is evil? )

Unfortunately, I was the one tasked with rocking the vehicle rather than the more desirable job of steering, what with my propensity to hit the side of the garage even when the pavement is dry and clear.  Pajama-clad, I spent the next forty-five minutes throwing my weight against the trunk while the useless back tires sprayed me with a mixture of road salt, ice, and liquefied kitty litter.  (Fortunately, I was able to warm myself with the heat of Fletch's Alderman-inspired epithets.)   

Finally, he stopped swearing long enough to remember we had Roadside Assistance - a service not only included in the purchase price of the car, but also the main argument he'd used to convince me it was fine to get the rear-wheel drive model - and the nice folks at BMW quickly dispatched Sherpas bearing crullers, hot brandy, and a tow truck.   

OK, they didn't bring liquor or donuts, but they did arrive promptly and free of charge.

Point?  Instead of returning to my computer to write a post about inspiration, I changed into dry jammies and went back to bed until 11:30 AM. 

And no, I did not stick my foot up Fletch's ass.  He brought home a big box of pastry last night to apologize for being all shout-y. 

There's not much a nice eclair can't fix around here.

THE BIT ABOUT THE UNDERPANTS

What I really took away from Eat, Pray, Love was the concept of being able to unhook, unwind, and unplug, and I pledged to be better at it. 

"But, Jen," you say.  "You just told us a story about sleeping until 11:30 AM.  ON A WEEKDAY.  If you were any more unwound, you'd be dead."

Here's the deal - I'm either going one thousand miles an hour, or I'm asleep.  There's no middle ground.  Lately, I've been so busy and so stressed that I've not been able to unclench.  So, because I believe in the ELP message to slow down, I had the the bright idea to get a massage.  I thought a massage would address the whole conundrum of calming my body-mind-soul.

But somewhere along I line I forgot that I HATE massages. 

First of all, I think they hurt.  A lot.  I'm generally so tense that even a little manipulation fucking KILLS.  Second, I'd say the least relaxing thing I could do would be to take my pants off in front of a stranger, no matter how professional he or she may be.  Third, I actually thrive on stimulus bordering on chaos so lying in a dark, quiet room, hearing the sound of nothing but whale music and the occasional rippling of back fat is NOT my recipe for unclenching. 

Don't know what I mean?  Then how about I share some of my internal monologue from the massage on Saturday when I was supposed to be "clearing my mind"?

"I wish the masseuse had eucalyptus scented oil.  I hate lavender and my only other choice was lemon grass, which smells nice, but it totally makes me want Thai food.  Mmm, pad Thai... you know what else is good at a Thai place?  The stuff with the big fat noodles.  What is that called?  Tom something?  Lard Nar?  I forget but it's all brown and garlic-y and goes really well with Thai iced tea.  What the fuck is that stuff called?  I'll have to look it up when I get home.  Oh, I also like Pad See Ew.  It's funny that I like a food with "ew" in the title, but I totally do and OW, that fucking HURT and HOLY OW, that hurt even more.  You wouldn't think this tiny little masseuse would have such strong hands, but she does.  Bet she has a hell of a handshake and she would kick so much ass at a thumb-wrestling match.  OK, she's touching my shoulders and OW I don't like that AT ALL and now she's massaging my head and HEY LADY, YOUR HANDS HAVE OIL ON THEM AND I JUST WASHED MY HAIR.  Oh, great, I'm going to be a big, greasy lemon-head for the rest of the day because I am not showering again because I just showered an hour ago and I have better things to do than lather, rinse, repeat all damn day and JESUS CHRIST, you are going to pop my head clean off!  I'm paying a buck a minute for this?  OK, OK, I am not being Eat, Pray, or Love right now.  I need to clear my thoughts and relax and be in the moment but it's really hard to do when this little person is SNAPPING MY SPINAL CORD.  OW!!  And how am I supposed to relax when I'm only wearing underpants and a sheet?  I know this person is professional and sees people undressed for a living, yet THIS IS STILL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME IN EVERY SENSE.  You know what helps me relax?  A shirt.  Some pants.  Maybe FULL UNDERWIRE SUPPORT.  And what's the deal with this music?  It's just one long pan-flute solo?  Is it more than one guy playing?  When does he have time to take a break?  And why does it have to be all new-age-y?  Why can't they play opera?  Opera is very nice and it tells a story that maybe I could concentrate on while this little tiny person is MURDERING ME ONE HANDFUL OF BACK FAT AT A TIME.  I wonder if she'd rather work on a person who's heavier as opposed to a really skinny person?  I bet massaging them would be like gripping a baggie full of chicken bones, as opposed to me who probably feels more like a Stretch Armstrong doll.  Do they still make those?  And what'd they fill them with, anyway?  I remember how mad Donna Gordon was when I bit a tiny hole in her Stretch doll to see what he was made of and if I recall, it was some kind of green goo and MOTHER OF CHRIST, I THINK MY ARM'S DISLOCATED NOW.  You know what I like?  I like when I'm lying on the bed on my stomach reading any my cat Maggie walks on my back.  Sometimes she makes little biscuits and it's soft and sweet and DOESN'T FEEL LIKE TORTURE, FOR GOD'S SAKE WHY NOT JUST WATERBOARD ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?"

And it went on like that for the rest of the session.  When we got done, the masseuse told me how tense I was. 

No. Shit.

In quick, cheap, so-not-worth-it summary, the lesson I learned and the point I started to make five days/five thousand paragraphs ago was I need to be better at trying to relax. 

And yet when I say "unhook," that does not include my bra.

THE BIT THAT'S VAGUELY USEFUL

You all seem to like when I talk about books, so here's what's on my bedside table.

First, The Good Liar by my friend Laura Caldwell.  Laura got her start writing chick lit but has since broken out of the girl ghetto and transitioned into legal thrillers.  I haven't started this one yet, but I've completely connected with everything else she's done in this genre and am sure it'll be great.  (FYI, if you're local, Laura does the book club circuit.) 

Superstud by Paul Feig.  People, this is the man who created Freaks and Geeks and directed episodes of Arrested Development, The Office, and 30 Rock.  If you don't like him, I'm pretty sure we can't be friends. 

The Romance Readers' Book Club by Julie L. Cannon.  Mary Kay Andrews blurbed it and that's why I bought it.  Haven't started it yet, but hopes are high.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris.  Yes, for the millionth time - can you see how dog-eared it is?  He never ceases to delight.

Earthly Pleasures by Karen Neches.  I read about this book on Allison Winn Scotch's blog.  Allison has THE best taste so I knew I could trust her recommendation.  I adore this book and tore through it in less than a day.

The Girl I Wanted to Be by Sarah Grace McCandless.  I met her last year and thought she was great.  But it took me a whole year to get around to reading her stuff and now I'm kicking myself for not having done so sooner.  Also don't miss her first novel, Grosse Pointe Girl.  SO good and so real you'll think it's a memoir.

Secrets of a Shoe Addict by Beth Harbison.  Here's where I have the best job in the world - when I get to read books from my favorite authors before they're published.

Scotbom: Evidence and the Lockerbie Investigation by Richard A. Marquise.  Marquise was the lead FBI investigator when Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed and this book sums up the investigation.  (What?  Am I not allowed to read educational stuff once in a while?)

Helping Me Help Myself by Beth Lisick.  Sometimes I buy books because Amazon tells me to.  Plus I heard she's really funny, so what's not to like?

Not pictured but also highly recommended:

Someday My Prince Will Come by Jerramy Fine.  Got to read an advanced copy of this last fall and to quote my own blurb, "Jerramy Fine doesn't need a prince to corner the market on charming."  Read, enjoy, repeat.

and, coming February 26th

Happy Hour of the Damned by Mark Henry.  It's the undead socialite's guide to life!  Manolos AND mayhem?  Flesh eating zombies and artfully applied sparkle powder?  Sign me up.  Mark's book is a  bloody lot of fun.

AND FINALLY, AN ABRUPT ENDING BECAUSE I WANT A SHOWER AND SOME PASTRY, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER

Comments

[Sarah Grace]

A telegram:

Have died. STOP. Gone to heaven. STOP. Jen Lancaster i.e. the girl I WANT to be just recommended my books. STOP. Drinks in NY are on me. STOP. Also check is in mail. STOP. I should note that I use Hello Kitty checks. STOP. But are you really that surprised? STOP.

[LissaLissa]

Serious lit is good....I knew some of the Pan Am 103 passengers....one of them was the girl down the hall from me who did get the Pi Phi bid - (SU 1987-88). I know there have been more dramatic tragedies with a far more recent bite to them....but Lockerbie was the one that brought it home for me.

[jayme K]

Read Feig's "Kick Me..." You will pee.

[Kristi]

I love massages! However, I am wound VERY tight...it usually takes me about 20 minutes (into the massage) to actually enjoy myself.

My book club just read "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield. I totally agree with Monogram Mama...it was FABULOUS and not usually the genre I'm interested in reading...mystery. The book was very clever with an unusual (and refreshing) plot. LOVED IT!

[Monogram Momma]

After reading your strong recommendation for "Lost and Found: A Novel," I added it to our "ChickLit Book Club" list. I can't wait to read it!

I also wanted to tell you that I just read "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield and it was AMAZING. It's definitely not my usual genre of Chick-Lit but it's very suspenseful and has a huge twist at the end. You have got to read it if you havne't already. I will admit, it took about 40 pages to get into, but once in I was hooked.

P.S. I'm waiting with baited breath to pick up the new Jen Lancaster in May!!!

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

PS - Wooly Crocs Rock, I picked some up at Nordstrom on Illinois Ave in Chicago in Dec and I LOVE them!

It would be awesome if roadside assistance brought liquor and pastries to calm you down. Ah, to live in Jen's world.

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

I actually had to get up from my office chair and stop reading, so that I didn't bust out a huge inappropriate guffaw here at work...you are the funniest girl ever. I swear we share a brain, your description of a massage is classic and exactly where my brain goes, as well. I cannot wait to meet you on May 16th. From one 40 year old Purdue Grad to another, I heart you!

[laura]

OMG! I went to high school with Sarah McCandless!!! I haven't read her book, but from what I understand it does have a quite a few real stories wrapped up in there (I wasn't in the "cool click" in school so ran in different social circles so don't know all the stories, but have friends who have recognized some ;) )

[Christine]

Here's what's on my nightstand:
Bitter is the New Black, Jen Lancaster
and Bright Lights, Big Ass (permanent nitestand collection)
The Codex, Douglas Preston
Windows on the World, Complete Wine Course
Lipstick Jungle, Candace Bushnell

[Lauryn]

I love those little cat-paw biscuits. They are adorable, before the claws come, and I didn't know I was the only person that called them that.

[Buffy]

Ok still wiping away the tears from that one...anyhoo my hubby wanted to give you a heads up that your Wiki article is only 4 full lines plus 1 word (apparently he looked you up since I continuously read you out loud and laugh like a friggin' mental patient). Back to Wiki--we need to work on this!! It's an outrage!

[Buffy]

Ok still wiping away the tears from that one...anyhoo my hubby wanted to give you a heads up that your Wiki article is only 4 full lines plus 1 word (apparently he looked you up since I continuously read you out loud and laugh like a friggin' mental patient). Back to Wiki--we need to work on this!! It's an outrage!

[AtlantaDebbie]

I so don't understand why people like massages, either! Even when I was super skinny, I didn't like it. On the other hand, I really enjoy accupunture. You still get nekkid in front of strangers and you still get the wacko age-y music and you still are bored for a while, but when you come out, your jaw (or whatever) feels better for a week. Seems more worth the investment. Same with a facial or mani/pedi.
Still sulking that you are coming to Atlanta while I am out of town. If you changed your dates to be here when I got back,I'd bring my kitty to your hotel to walk on you.

[Mark Henry]

Hey! Thanks for the shout out. I see you're coming to Seattle to collect on the drink I owe you. Looking forward to your signing, you'll definitely see me there.

Thanks again and I can't wait for your new one.

Mark

[KS]

Hi, Jen. This morning I stopped to look at religion books in the sale section of Barnes & Noble in Huntington Beach, California, and there in the middle of the books about Mother Teresa and books by Norman Vincent Peale was a stack of copies of Bright Lights, Big Ass. I've only read your first book, so I took it as a sign from God that I should buy your second.

Please extend your book tour to stop in Southern California! : )

[Pug Mama]

Jen, I could NOT adore you more. Me talk like Jen one day.

[Lily]

Jen....I happened to pick up your Bitter book the other day as a light read for an upcoming cruise. Well, as luck would have it, my right pupil dialated and, well, I found myself pushing and pulling the book back and forth in an effort to focus. (To no avail...) I managed to read it anyways and laughed so hard! You are hilarious! In fact, you remind me alot of my sister, to whom I promptly mailed the book. I went online and bought your second book about Bright Lights and Big Asses....too funny! I don't get the joke about Morrissey either? Can Fletch please explain? I look forward to another trip down Jen Lane!

Signed: Your newest Fan

[michelle]

I can so totally relate to the massage story! The first time someone started rubbing my head with oil I thought, "What in the hell are you doing? Now my hair is going to be all greasy!" I did have to take another shower because my hair was full of oil and sticking straight out!! And all I can think about while they are massaging my back and thighs is..."You are touching my FAT!!" So, massages are not very relaxing to me either. I like the idea of them but when they are over I realize I am not relaxed and I can't get my clothes on fast enough. On another note, I can't wait for the book release and tour! I'm in Atlanta and my sisters and our friends cannot wait to come and see you!! In the meantime, I am dying for a good read so I will have to look into some of your reading suggestions. May 13th cannot get here fast enough for me. Atlanta loves you Jen!!!

[michelle]

Jen,

You need to ask for a "Fluff & Buff" if you ever decide to get another massage.

[summer]

thanks for the "superstud" suggestion. i LOVE all of those shows :)

[Reluctant Housewife]

Jen, not only are your book recommendations great, the books look downright pretty on your nightstand... Arranged by size, very nice!

[Cyndi]

I'll gladly take up collection of all massage opportunities from those of you who don't like them! I love a very firm massage and constantly have at least one tight shoulder, but can only afford one every other month or so. :(

[Debbie]

Since we're all sharing massage stories...I have been in two pretty bad car accidents in the past year. I work an office job and at Starbucks. My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, decided to surprise me by taking me to get a massage. Keep in mind I see a chiropractor at least twice a week who happily delves his hands into the deep tissue of my back. All morning I'm pestering him about what this surprise is and what I should wear etc. You would think when I asked if I should shave my legs he would have said YES! Did not happen.

So, we get in the car with our couple friends and they take me to a lovely massage place in Beverly Hills. I promptly had a meltdown as I did not want someone poking and prodding me on the one day I did not have to work. I sat in the back of the car and cried that I had hairy legs and all I really wanted was to sleep. I cried throughout most of the massage. My boyfriend was very kind about the whole thing and just said if I felt a little bit better that's all that mattered. Surprise massages, not a good surprise, a gift certificate would have been lovely.

[Shannon]

You totally had me going with the part about the roadside assistance perks! I was like - shit, i wished i owned a BMW. They bring snacks?!- my alero sucks. AND, you aren't kidding about the cat paws on the back! I L-O-O-O-V-E when my cat walks on my back. 18lbs of pressure exerted through 4 soft paws- no human massage can touch that. And no oils involved. Too bad cats are pretty much untrainable. Also- did you ever solve the ratinmyhouse problem completely?

[biff_wellington]

Good recommendations. I love Beth Lisick. I went to a reading and read this book, I've read some of her previous books. I really liked it and think you and your readers will too.

[Kelly]

Thanks for adding some books to my list. I'm just about to start "Some Day My Prince Will Come" but don't have anything lined up after that...oh what will I do!!

And I feel like I should return the favor...I just finished reading "A Hopeless Romantic" by Hariett Evans. It's totally worth reading. I completely got lost in the story towards the end...

[Suzanne]

I love your book pile! Add me to the list of people wanting to see it as a regular feature ...
... and if anyone's interested,Jennifer Weiner has chapter one of her new book, Certain Girls, on her blog. That one and Such a Pretty Fat were preordered on Wednesday woo hoo (I see two "sick" days in my future, probably the days after each of them arrive in the mail!)

[Julie]

I'm with you. Eclairs usually solve all life's problemos.

And I do NOT blame you I would have gotten right into bed and stayed there until the eclairs showed up.

And then maybe I would have forced him to feed me. But that's just me.

[trish]

David Sedaris rocks...not as hard as you, mind you, but he's pretty great! I loved his telling of the experience on the bus with his boyfriend...classic!

[Nina]

Thanks for all the good ideas on books. My friends and I love chicklits and share them all the time. We are so looking forward to coming to see you on your book tour in NYC (we live in CT.). I have recently started a blog about dieting and it is pretty hilarious if I must say. the dieting part isn't going too well, but the blog is a lot of fun.

[Kell]

Ok. When I finished howling with laughter at the mental picture of you rocking the car I remembered that stretch Armstrong was filled with Karo syrup.

[blu_canary]

Dammit, dammit, dammit. I just ordered a bazillion (no really, it was a bazillion...the mailman is gonna hate me) books two nights ago and was winging it. NOW I get good recommendations. Hmmm...looks like I need to start a new list. Yay!

All of my sorries to Dennis the mailman.

[Nanz]

"HEY LADY, YOUR HANDS HAVE OIL ON THEM AND I JUST WASHED MY HAIR." LOL! The exact same thought goes through my mind when that happens.

Me Talk Pretty One Day is my favorite book by David Sedaris. Thanks for the reading list. Always looking to get my hands on something new.

[Christa Booth]

Oh, by the way... I NEVER used oil. Too messy for the person I was massaging. Who wants oil in their hair? I used a nice thick cream with my own essential oils in it. You CAN bring your own if you want, I never objected to that.

[Sue]

I used to feel the same way about massage until I had a FABULOUS one. I finally realized that they really do want you to tell them what feels right. I always felt bad - like I was telling them how to do their job. A lot of people like it hard - still talking massage here - so therapists tend to work it a bit too hard. Once I was honest with the person about what felt good it changed everything. If you ever try it again be sure to chose the right type of massage - read the fine print on the brochure - and really let them know what you want. I'm telling you - it's worth it!
Happy relaxing!

[Sister Honey Bunch]

Ok, just ordered a couple of those. Gotta pace myself.

[Christa Booth]

Retired Massage Therapist here... And I can say from experience that being a bodyworker does not automatically make me LOVE massages. I am very picky on who touches me. Their energy has to be just right. (I know - WEIRD) but very true. And truth be told: I hate receiving massages. On the other hand.. I LOVE FACIALS!! Play with my face & I'm a happy girl! :)

Jen, have you read "A Girl Named Zippy" by Haven Kimmel? True small-town Indiana stories! Made me laugh out loud and think about growing up in Howe & Angola, Indiana. I read this before my Mom died about 5/6 years ago & we used to cackle about it!! I know that she would have loved your books too. She loved being read to and I did it often. And especially when I found books by FABULOUS writers such as yourself we would laugh out loud for hours and make it our own private joke!!

YOU ROCK JENNIFER LANCASTER!!! :)

[Jennifer]

I hate massages for the same reason. Your rambling about Thai food reminded me of the only type of massage I enjoy...true Thai massage. They let you change into these super, super comfy cotton pajamas that you get to KEEP ON and then instead of slicking you up with oil they just kind of do an assisted yoga session with you, because god knows there is no way I can do yoga by myself. Turns out, these massages are wonderful and leave you feeling refreshed instead of all greasy and in pain.

[Jessica]

I'm in the same boat with massages-- if I can get one that doesn't render me completely bruised and self-conscious, they're awesome. Unfortunately, said massage is like a damn unicorn-- mythical.

The closest thing I've found is a very close friend that I ply with bottles of Spanish champagne (which I help her finish, in the spirit of sharing), and then she works on me. It still hurts, but less, and it's easier to tell a friend to knock that shit off than a stranger. Plus, I don't mind if she sees my back fat, 'cause I've seen her stretch marks.

[Holly]

For something with a little more substance I recommend Alexandra Fuller's "Don't Let's Go the the Dogs Tonight."

[Amanda]

I am just that way too, always thinking, can't unwind. However, I think you just haven't found a good massage therapist yet, because massages really are nice. I used to hate them too, the whole getting touched by a stranger, disrobing, etc.; I totally feel where you're coming from. But when I was in law school, I was so tense and it was causing me to have really bad headaches and I just felt awful, I decided I had to do something. A friend referred this lady, and I tried it out and it was wonderful. It was a traditional swedish massage without scented oil and she let me say whether or not there'd be music, and she was very cool about not talking to me during the time. That's sort of what you need to find. They can be good. But in any event, they only feel good while they're happening and I never felt they had lasting effect.

Sorry for the drawn-out tale, but I felt compelled. Anyway, I also wanted to say that I like your taste in books, so please do keep us posted on what's good! Sucks about the ice and crap but hooray for chocolatey treats!

[Serenity]

If I'm not mistaken, it was a few years ago that you recommended, "Me Talk Pretty One Day" or it was on some list you had on a side bar, or something. I'm pretty damn sure it was you.

I bought that book because of it. I LOVED it.

SO, the POINT is, Jen definitely recommends fantastic books to read.

[Becki]

Awesome post! Laughing so hard - crying. Perfect ending to a work week. All the reasons why I KNEW I never wanted a massage.

Oh the joy if you would post more often .. .(and please, your book pile, or TBR's, once a month would be neato)

Take care!