Greek Tragedy!!!

While digging through some old boxes in the basement today I ran across a yellowed, fragile, vaguely moldy document titled Jen's Manual for a Stellar Rush (Be a Shining Star!!!)  I wrote this guidebook almost twenty years ago and probably haven't looked at it since.  I put this together back when I was my sorority's rush chairman.  My intention was to create a central source of hints and tips to help navigate my sorority sisters through the tricky waters of THE BESTEST RUSH EVAH!!!  (ed. For you non-Greeks, rush is a membership drive.) 

I recall being SO damn proud of all the effort I'd put into the booklet, going so far as to call it my first masterpiece.

Um, yeah.

I immediately forgot what I'd been searching for and I sat down to read, laughing the entire way through.  The yellowed pages hold such a noxious mix of self importance and the lack of self awareness, I can't not share the highlights, if for no reason other than to revisit my first true love... the exclamation point.

Feel free to laugh and mock at what's below - 'tis not undeserved.  Here we go:

On Attitude

I want all of you to ENJOY rush, not DREAD it!!!  Please keep in mind that I appreciate any and all suggestions.  (ed. I guarantee you this was a lie.)  What I will NOT tolerate is negativity about rush.  I don't want to hear complaints that "we never did it that way before."  We are going to be BREAKING NEW GROUND (ed. !!!) with this rush and I expect everyone to have a positive attitude about it.  (ed. Or I will GIVE you a positive attitude about it.)  Change can be good.  Also?  Please stop calling me Hitler!!!

On Entertainment

You WILL know all of the words to all of the songs!!!  There is no excuse NOT to know the words.  When you are singing, you are representing your SPIRIT in Pi Beta Phi!!!  Not knowing the words makes us look BAD and is INEXCUSABLE!!!  All of the songs are at the back of this packet, so feel free to practice them in the shower.  We will also be singing them at the workshops so you WILL know the tunes!!!  (ed. Beatings will continue until morale improves.)

On Grooming

Please pay special attention to your grooming.  Ideally, I would like to see everyone in AT LEAST blush, mascara, and lipstick!!!  Obviously we don't want to present ourselves as something we are not, BUT we do want to make a good impression.  Use of these basic cosmetics will make it look like we care about ourselves and that we care about looking nice for the rushees.  This is not an outrageous request and I don't want to hear a lot of flack about it!!!  (ed. And they didn't complain... at least not to my face.)

On Conversation

No matter how good our skits, songs, decor, and food are, the rushees will remember WHAT we said the most!!!  We need to make every word count because we are on a limited time budget.  So, you need to make your conversation work for you.  But don't oversell Pi Phi!!!  Not every girl will make it into Pi Beta Phi (ed.  The horror!!!) so we don't want to make them die for something they won't be able to have.  (ed. We'll save that for a Tori Spelling movie on Lifetime.)

On Fun Questions to Ask Rushees

After asking the requisite "What's your major?" and "Where did you go to high school?" you may find yourself at a loss for words with your rushee.  (This is not good!!!)  (ed. I like how I had to note that this wasn't good, as though my sisters might not realize big lapses in conversation were awkward.)  Hence, I have come up with a number of questions you may want to ask.  These questions will keep you comfortably chatting 'til the cows come home.  (Hey!  Keep the Delta Gammas out of it!!!)  (ed. Hey!  Way to perpetuate negative stereotypes about catty sorority girls!!!)

- Why did you decide to rush?

- Is college what you expected?

- Had any trouble finding parking? (ed. Way to get a scintillating conversation started!)

- Do you have any pets?

- What ever happened to Kiefer and Julia?  (ed. This is only notable because it highlights my decades-long pretend love affair with Mr. Sutherland.)

- What is your fave flavor of cream?  (ed. Not favorite.  FAVE.  Duh.)

- Ever been to Paris? 

- Where do you work?

- Are your parents cool?

- If you could only get one TV show (because you were stuck on some island) (ed. Because, yeah, that's going to happen.) what would it be and why?

- Do you like Paula Abdul?

- What do you think about stirrup pants?

- If someone were to pay you $10,000 would you pose nude for Playboy?  Even if your parents would never find out?

- How old were you when you found out there was not Santa Claus?

- If you had to be some type of fruit, what would it be?  (ed. Really?  With this attention to biting and incisive interview questions, I have no idea why I'm not already a host on The View.)

- Do you consider tomatoes to be a fruit?  (ed. The answer is NO because you would not put tomatoes on a fruit salad.)

- If you could pick your own name, what would it be?

- Do you ski?  Alpine, Nordic, or water?  (ed. Pretentious much?)

- What's your fave season?  (ed. Ah, the weather.  The last bastion of the truly boring, completely banal conversation.)

- What is your dream car?

- Do you have any siblings?

- More specifically, cute, 21 to 25 year old, with a good personality AND a gold AMEX, just dying to date a Pi Phi brothers?  (ed.  Obviously I was ALL ABOUT the sisterhood and was in no way, shape, or form in it to meet boys.)

- And when may I meet him?  (ed. Oh, wait.)

- Do you like corn chowder?  (ed.  Sadly, not a double entendre.  I'd just discovered this kind of soup and was a bit obsessive about it.)

- Do you like Fresca?  (ed. Seriously, this is getting painful.)

- If Jason Priestly were to walk into this room right now, what would you do?

- What about Richard Grieco?  Richard Gere?  Dan Quayle?  (ed. I'd probably ask Richard Grieco for a Fresca.)

- How do they get those ships in those little bottles?

- If you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Pez, cherry flavor, right?  (ed. I guess someone saw Stand by Me, yes?)

- What's the dumbest thing you ever bought?

- What are your hobbies?

- (ed. And now, the big closer, the one question that could potentially affect a rushee's entire future within the sorority, thus her college career and possibly even life beyond that!!!) How do you eat your Oreos?  (ed.  SHAMEFUL.)

* * *

The great irony here is I always thought it was my sorority sisters who were the assholes when they used to call me Hitler. 

Also?  They only elected me rush chair for one semester.  Suddenly, this makes a lot more sense.

Comments

[tiffany]

oh, rush... i, too, was the rush chair of my sorority at they same big 10 school. love the manual, & can't deny i did similar things, if not worse... INCLUDING picking out the color that each girl should wear on the day of "cokes" [one of our rush days]. some people MIGHT have thought i was on a power trip, but lets face it... i was doing all of them a favor. ;)

[LissaLissa]

This was sooo painful to read.....my most crushing collegiate moment was the night another girl on my hall got her Pi Phi bid and I didn't after being invited back to all of the rush parties....in retrospect I think I got invited to the parties because it was a re-colonization and they were held by alums....the bids came from sisters at nearby colleges....I didn't do so well with my own age group. I never told anybody before but that was a huge factor in my decision to transfer from Syracuse to UNC (who didn't have Pi Phi) and I later became a Tri Sigma. One of my dearest friends now is a Tri Sig sister who went to a different college...and dated my boyfriend (now my husband so I guess we know who won that catfight!) we both got in big Tri Sig hot water as my chapter advisor was an alum from her chapter and thus went to the formals for both schools and was shocked to find Mr. Future Nearest-and-Dearest at BOTH functions. We were strictly informed that good Tri Sigmas DO NOT SHARE!!! (neither of us knew about the other at the time)

Ps....my mother was also a heartbroken Pi Phi reject...so does that make me The Anti-Legacy?

pps....Am an ATL girl now and happy to hostess entourage et al on book signing night....Cafe Intermezzo is the best but I MUST SAY....schlepping shopping carts on an escalator is not a BIG THRILL for me. We do have several decent purveyors of CUPCAKES in the region however...may I suggest Mattycakes?

[Jerseygirl89]

I think that pretty much sums up why I never even attempted the sorority thing. But I do wonder, whatever happened to Richard Grieco?

[Alisha]

OMG, it's been 20 years this year since I rushed and pledged, and it still makes my stomach churn just thinking about it! (And I went through an abbreviated rush for two new sororities on campus. I NEVER would have suffered the real thing - we had 22 PanHel sororities on campus!) And I dreaded the other side of Rushing just as much! My senior year, I jumped ship and became a member of the PanHel Judicial Board, which enforced Rush Rules and got the hand out penalties to naughty Sororities. My picture on my sorority's chapter photo was all blacked out to keep our identities secret - so Super Secret Squirrel-like! Oh, how important we all thought we were! :-)

[Alisha]

OMG, it's been 20 years this year since I rushed and pledged, and it still makes my stomach churn just thinking about it! (And I went through an abbreviated rush for two new sororities on campus. I NEVER would have suffered the real thing - we had 22 PanHel sororities on campus!) And I dreaded the other side of Rushing just as much! My senior year, I jumped ship and became a member of the PanHel Judicial Board, which enforced Rush Rules and got the hand out penalties to naughty Sororities. My picture on my sorority's chapter photo was all blacked out to keep our identities secret - so Super Secret Squirrel-like! Oh, how important we all thought we were! :-)

[val]

Brilliant! My sorority has its first recruitment party tomorrow night. We've been told not to wear any eye make-up because they are giving us all "cat eyes" to go with our Egyptian theme.

And even as silly as a few of your questions are, they are still better than the list we came up with for our alternatives to, "So, what's your major?"

[Rebecca Marshall]

My freshman year of college I kept a running list all year of the stupid things my dorm roommate would say. She was literally the dumbest person I ever met that went to college. I would love to share them one day with everyone, because they make me cry laughing everytime I read them.

One of my many favorites:
Her friend: "You want to go see The Passion of the Christ? I heard it's really good and it's in Latin."
My roommate: "I won't be able to understand it if it's in Latin?"
Friend: "But it has subtitles at the bottom in English."
My roommate: "How am I supposed to read and watch a movie at the same time?"

[Bierrie]

Considering that I once wrote a skit (and a manual, which was incredibly pretentious and included advice on getting french manicured TOES....Gag, 2002 but I digress) called ZetaRitaVille (yes, Jimmy Buffet cheesiness mixed with Zeta Tau Alpha), I completely understand.

[Tina]

One thing that really struck me about the conversation questions is the idea that getting paid ten grand to do something as SCANDALOUS as pose for Playboy (even if your parents would never find out, wink, wink) was even a little racy. Compared to what gets posted on Myspace and Facebook today, it is easy to see how much more innocent we all were back then!

[Erin]

The only song I can remember is the drinking song:

Drink beer, Drink beer,
Drink beer Goddammit Drink beer
And if you can't drink beer like an Alpha Chi can, then you shouldn't have a Goddamn beer in your hand
Drink beer, Drink beer
Drink beer Goddammit Drink beer.

Because Rush, Rush would make you want to drink...

[Aimee]

So, um, yeah...is it bad that the best thing I got out of this was the fact that DGs were the cows at more than just my college? BAH!
Evil, I tell ya. And yet, true.

[Aimee]

So, um, yeah...is it bad that the best thing I got out of this was the fact that DGs were the cows at more than just my college? BAH!
Evil, I tell ya. And yet, true.

[Alison]

Oh. My. God. As a sorority girl myself, I was absolutely dying with laughter over this...it's so true! I was never placed in a position of responsibility for rush (probably because my Nazi-ism would have put even you to shame), but I ascribed to all these beliefs and definitely tried to, uh, "beautify" some of the more unfortunate sisters. So thanks for the memories. Incidently, my coworkers thank you for my amusing guffaws.

[LJ]

This post cracks me up! Ahhhhh makes me remember those rush days. It's weird -- I really did hate rush. But looking back, I remember so many fun things. I always loved the skits! I was disappointed that my rendition as Cyndi Lauper though was not my break through performance as it should have been. Oh well. I love your guide though. I will have to send this to some of my sorority sisters!!

[Molly]

I loved sorority life! Mock it all you want, I had a blast. Ah, the 80's....

[Amy]

The most important thing I learned from rush?

I can sneeze w/o breaking my smile. And...
I can tell what time it is w/o my watch. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA

Go Delta G! ;)

[Emily]

Phi for me, Pi Beta Phi for yooooooooou . . .

God how I hated rush! The worst part was how my cheeks hurt for a week afterwards from having a constant smile pasted on my face.

The most important thing I learned from sorority life was how to deal with 160 women with simultaneous PMS! But seriously, in spite of all the BS, I did make some best friends for life. Like everything in life, you have to take the good with the bad and learn how to make it work for you.

[Pammer]

Yes. But can you still sing your rush songs? OMG.

And what is it about rush that drives us to use 8 gafrillion exclamation points?

[Alli]

Oh Jen, thank you for the laugh and the trip down memory lane. I too, was a Pi Phi and bled Wine and Silver Blue as VP, Rush Counselor, etc back in the day. And as a recovering sorority-olic myself (15 years paint pen free, thank you very much!) there's a part of me that wonders how my previously rampant enthusiasm could be replaced by so much cynicism. (Of course, it could be the kids, mortgage, etc.) I wouldn't change my life at all - just wondering how a snapshot of my former self could be so damn funny.

[Lauren]

Jen, thank you so much for that. It's comforting to know that much of what we sorority women learned in our years during rush was in fact, completely useless for the rest of our life. I transferred schools two years ago, and while I am still very close with some girls, I sleep easier every night knowing that every six months for a week, I don't have to be identical twins with thirty-odd other girls. :)

[laura]

I might not remember all the words to the rush songs, but I do remember how to sing the greek alphabet after having learned it for our pledge test :)

And Lara, HOW DARE YOU get ill during rush..for shame :) I'm not much of one to talk though...my junior year I had a few exams during the last week of rush so some mysterious "family emergencies" developed. Sad that I had to resort to that in order to study.

I still have some great memories though of the "scandals" in the house and how everything was a life or death matter. And I have the pleasure of knowing that I was part of making it ok for us to smoke on the front and side porches so that **gasp** people might see us!!! It took convincing the house that having us walk around back in the dark at night not only wasn't fun, but I didn't appreciate sharing the backyard with the resident skunk!

Good times :)

[Erica]

Snaps to Jen. Memories are flooding back of those hot August rush weeks at DePauw (University Dan Quayle attended - thank you very much!) Still remember all the songs - and the hell week that it was! Got to love it.

AOTT all the way!

[emily]

HA HA HA! that was the BEST...

i loved it! there are certain songs i still don't know the actual words to, i only know the words our sorority sang. despite all the ridiculousness of fall rush (i was totally in charge of dress checks... line everyone right before the rush parties started to make sure everyone was acceptable. HELLO? we simply cannot have girls wearing KEDS when we specifically ordered everyone to wear jack purcells and the wrong color lipstick really does reflect poorly on all of the sisters), i actually loved rush.

ten years later, i still know all the words and hand signals to our open rush song and am known to whip out my moves after a few glasses of wine... i'll show you when you come to portland if i drink enough!

and ps, Trace & Kelly... AOT!! :)

[Stacey]

This post is hysterical!! I am a 29 year old that can't watch "Grease" without singing the wrong words that were seared into my brain during Rush. My husband still pressures me to reveal all our "secrets" (aka mystic bullshit). The drop ceremonies, the pins, the handshakes. Oh, the days as an Alpha Chi Omega at the University of Texas...
PS - Rush was in August. In Austin, TX...hard to look put together for a week when you're melting!

[Kelsey]

Oh how I understand this sad world. As a Phi Mu sister who just went through recruitment last week, I completely sympathize. In fact, I sent the link to this blog to my entire chapter. We laughed so hard <3

[Christine]

I loved rush - as a collegian, as an alumnae advisor. But it is completely nuts! I find myself singing the "Gamma Phi" words to songs that we reworked for rush . . . hard to remember the "real" words.
And I'm still in contact with some of my sisters, and have met even more since graduating. I've also been active in Alumnae Panhellenic, so I've met many alumna from other groups. It's been a great experience.

[Heide]

Wow... that brought back some memories. I'm curious on how long you took makeing cute name tags for all the Girls and the Rushees... What a great way to start the morning.

[Beth]

LOVED the rush stuff! One of your Pi Phi sisters introduced me to your work and I've been laughing my ass off ever since. Can't wait to see you in DC!

[amanda]

You will remember the words to all the songs. Not only will you remember the words to all the songs 15 years after rushing, you will remember them even on days when you can't remember what you ate for breakfast four hours ago.

*Awesome*

[Lara]

Ugh- God bless you Jen. This reminded me how much I hated rush. And it also reminded me how stupid the entire process was. I still get those dumb songs stuck in my head sometimes. "We are the Delta Gammas, we're the bronze, pink and blue, we are Delta Gammas, don't you want to be a DG too?" HORRIBLE. Who thought the skits and songs were a good idea?

One year, I had to pay a fine for missing rush even though I was in the HOSPITAL for a kidney infection. I thought my mom would come unglued. She called up to the house and gave my house mother such reaming that they let me off with a warning. "Sorry guys, next time I'll try to get deathly ill around finals instead of rush. Lord knows this is more important than my education."

And the sad thing is, my closest friends from college aren't my sisters. You should write a book about all the crazy sorority stories we could all share!

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

My brain is all flooded with fond and hilarious memories of Rush at Purdue and being in a house...Ah, fantastic! I just love you, Jen! Richard Grieco forever!

[Melinda]

PPPIIIIII BBEETTTAAAA Phi for me, Pi Beta Phi for you. We love the wine and the blue and the arrow pointing true, pi beta phi for me, pi beta phi for you, un-i-ted we'll be loyal true and true.

Oh I know the words!

[Kelly]

Oh this was priceless. I just graduated last May and this was my first year without Recruitment...kind of sad, but LORD I am glad to be done with that. That much estrogen in a room for a solid week will drive anyone batty.

What I love is how many different sororities are represented in the comments (especially my KD ladies!) and we all did the same thing...

[Texie]

Girls had to be begged to put on a little lipstick, blush, and mascara for RUSH?! Those Yankees deserved to be flogged. Good work, Jen.

P.S. I demand you go to the the two story Target in Atlanta when you are there and report back to us. In awe. In awe so much.

[Diana]

In my latest job, I'm often at lunch with suppliers where it's one of me and 10 or 15 of them. NOW I no longer have to worry about how to carry the conversation (!!!)

[Petit Mal]

OMFG!!! Now why did you fuck around and bring up stirrup pants and Jason Priestly?! I am in here cuh-*rye*-ing!!!! *dies*

Absolutely hilarious.

[AJMick]

Once again so very happy I dropped out of rush after 2 days! Hey - won't the Greek Mafia hunt you down and paint pen profanities on your house for this? I just remember all the sorority girls I knew had everything covered w/their letters in puffy paint - ugh...

[Amy :)]

Haha wow, our rush chair was a little like that one year... I was in 2 different sororities, so I totally get all that! But not gonna lie Jen, totally laughed! Just took me back to the crazy days of Rush in a panhellenic sorority!!!!

[Amy]

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=93878

You've been immortalized on GreekChat.com

lol

[laura]

LOL!!!

Most of my friends can't believe I was ever in a sorority...but alas...I spent 3 years as an Alpha Chi Omega. I de-activated because I refused to live in the house my senior year (we couldn't fill the house which was a requirement). After living with 48 other women my sophormore year I can honestly say that is something I NEVER want to repeat (seriously...at any given time there is a least a half dozen or more women with their period at the same time...way too much moodiness and bithiness!!!)

I still don't why I ever thought I would do well in an environment that "told me" who to hang out with, how I should behave, etc, etc. Don't get me wrong...I had some great times...but on the whole I like doing what makes me happy weather it's good for the collective or not :)

Thanks for the laugh!

[Nada]

Jen - this post is exactly why I read your books and your blog. That is by far my fave (!!!) post. You are a riot. Thank you for sharing your life with us. :)

[Trace]

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, you really ought to post more about your sorority days for your fellow Greek sisters... not that I'm telling you what to post. Just. Saying.

(Kappa Delta woooo!)

[Amy]

Oh LORD. Rush was bad. But nothing compared to Rush School. We (DG) reported to the house in mid=August for 2 weeks of sheer and utter hell. Each of the 1000+ rushees had a flash card w their picture on it and details and by the time rush started, we had every=fucking-thing about every fucking girl memorized and could identify them on site.

Ever since, I'll be a mall, spy a face out of the corner of my eye, and like every good brainwashing I see their flash card, know their name, remember they were wearing a green t-shirt and holding a cocker spaniel in the pic they sent to the school's panhellenic office with their rush application.

It's funny. But also alarming. lol

[Lisa Ann]

My heart is aching for the good old days of A-Phi. Those 6 days of rush can feel like the end-of-the-world-please-God-let-them-chose-me. Funny thing is, I don't keep in contact with any of my former A-Phi sisters. So much for that "Sisters for life" crap.
Kudos on the rocking questions. I would have jumped Jason in a minute, only watched BH90210 and seriously would have had to give you a run for your money on Keifer.

[Kelly]

Delta,Delta, Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya? YIKES, brought back many mid 80's memories.

[Mandy]

I did anything and everything to get out of rush. I was a Rho Chi, a fall orientation counselor, etc. I think I would have given myself mono if it was possible just to avoid it. I lived in the house for two years and rush completely consumed our lives. Yeah, having 300 strangers traipse through my room? Good times.

[Jess]

This post made me crack up! I remember the good old days of rush (KD), and how I used to hide in the closet doing homework during rush because I hated it....and I was on council.

[Dave]

After reading this, the thing I'm most glad of is that I'm not the only one with a long-term crush on Kiefer Sutherland. That makes me feel a whole lot better. Even though I have a girlfriend. And I'm a guy. Yeah.

[AtlantaDebbie]

Feeling awful that I won't be here to be your hostess, so here is a listing of things I recommend in Atlanta....

1) after your signing at the bookstore near 2-story Target, go into the two story target and get a cart and go upstairs with it. Cool, hunh? Then, go across Peachtree and slightly south to Phipps Plaza for window shopping (highend stores like Escada, Prada, yadayada).
2) after Phipps, go back across Peachtree and slightly further south for instore shopping at Lenox (Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, but some highend, too, like Kate Spade and St John)
3) after shopping go slightly further south on Peachtree, cross Roswell and look for Nava on the left. Must have their Prickly Pear Margarita! Food is good, too, but you need to try another place
4) from Nava, take East Paces Ferry until it deadends on Piedmont, and look for Kyma on the right. Amazing Greek food (get it, Greek?)! You and your entourage should order the sampler plates to share. And definitely get the Country Salad. It is NOT a waste of a selection. The tomatoes are really really good, even if not a fruit.
5) Get a small dessert at Kyma, but save room for Cafe Intermezzo. North on Piedmont to Peachtree, turn left, drive a long way (wave to your bartender at Nava as you drive past) like 3 miles, but worth it! Dessert selection like Heaven will have! And coffee and tea and hot cocoa and wine and booze!!!!!! (love those !'s)

Hope you enjoy our fair city!

[AtlantaDebbie]

I didn't have the time/cash to pledge myself, but my roommate (postcollege) was in a sorority and still considers anyone else in the same one a "sister". We were out at dinner when a woman twenty years older than us came in with the same cute,unusual, trendy purse as my roomie. That start a conversation and they discovered they were "sisters" and it was as though they were the same age. Really sweet, in a funny sort of way.