Greek Tragedy!!!

While digging through some old boxes in the basement today I ran across a yellowed, fragile, vaguely moldy document titled Jen's Manual for a Stellar Rush (Be a Shining Star!!!)  I wrote this guidebook almost twenty years ago and probably haven't looked at it since.  I put this together back when I was my sorority's rush chairman.  My intention was to create a central source of hints and tips to help navigate my sorority sisters through the tricky waters of THE BESTEST RUSH EVAH!!!  (ed. For you non-Greeks, rush is a membership drive.) 

I recall being SO damn proud of all the effort I'd put into the booklet, going so far as to call it my first masterpiece.

Um, yeah.

I immediately forgot what I'd been searching for and I sat down to read, laughing the entire way through.  The yellowed pages hold such a noxious mix of self importance and the lack of self awareness, I can't not share the highlights, if for no reason other than to revisit my first true love... the exclamation point.

Feel free to laugh and mock at what's below - 'tis not undeserved.  Here we go:

On Attitude

I want all of you to ENJOY rush, not DREAD it!!!  Please keep in mind that I appreciate any and all suggestions.  (ed. I guarantee you this was a lie.)  What I will NOT tolerate is negativity about rush.  I don't want to hear complaints that "we never did it that way before."  We are going to be BREAKING NEW GROUND (ed. !!!) with this rush and I expect everyone to have a positive attitude about it.  (ed. Or I will GIVE you a positive attitude about it.)  Change can be good.  Also?  Please stop calling me Hitler!!!

On Entertainment

You WILL know all of the words to all of the songs!!!  There is no excuse NOT to know the words.  When you are singing, you are representing your SPIRIT in Pi Beta Phi!!!  Not knowing the words makes us look BAD and is INEXCUSABLE!!!  All of the songs are at the back of this packet, so feel free to practice them in the shower.  We will also be singing them at the workshops so you WILL know the tunes!!!  (ed. Beatings will continue until morale improves.)

On Grooming

Please pay special attention to your grooming.  Ideally, I would like to see everyone in AT LEAST blush, mascara, and lipstick!!!  Obviously we don't want to present ourselves as something we are not, BUT we do want to make a good impression.  Use of these basic cosmetics will make it look like we care about ourselves and that we care about looking nice for the rushees.  This is not an outrageous request and I don't want to hear a lot of flack about it!!!  (ed. And they didn't complain... at least not to my face.)

On Conversation

No matter how good our skits, songs, decor, and food are, the rushees will remember WHAT we said the most!!!  We need to make every word count because we are on a limited time budget.  So, you need to make your conversation work for you.  But don't oversell Pi Phi!!!  Not every girl will make it into Pi Beta Phi (ed.  The horror!!!) so we don't want to make them die for something they won't be able to have.  (ed. We'll save that for a Tori Spelling movie on Lifetime.)

On Fun Questions to Ask Rushees

After asking the requisite "What's your major?" and "Where did you go to high school?" you may find yourself at a loss for words with your rushee.  (This is not good!!!)  (ed. I like how I had to note that this wasn't good, as though my sisters might not realize big lapses in conversation were awkward.)  Hence, I have come up with a number of questions you may want to ask.  These questions will keep you comfortably chatting 'til the cows come home.  (Hey!  Keep the Delta Gammas out of it!!!)  (ed. Hey!  Way to perpetuate negative stereotypes about catty sorority girls!!!)

- Why did you decide to rush?

- Is college what you expected?

- Had any trouble finding parking? (ed. Way to get a scintillating conversation started!)

- Do you have any pets?

- What ever happened to Kiefer and Julia?  (ed. This is only notable because it highlights my decades-long pretend love affair with Mr. Sutherland.)

- What is your fave flavor of cream?  (ed. Not favorite.  FAVE.  Duh.)

- Ever been to Paris? 

- Where do you work?

- Are your parents cool?

- If you could only get one TV show (because you were stuck on some island) (ed. Because, yeah, that's going to happen.) what would it be and why?

- Do you like Paula Abdul?

- What do you think about stirrup pants?

- If someone were to pay you $10,000 would you pose nude for Playboy?  Even if your parents would never find out?

- How old were you when you found out there was not Santa Claus?

- If you had to be some type of fruit, what would it be?  (ed. Really?  With this attention to biting and incisive interview questions, I have no idea why I'm not already a host on The View.)

- Do you consider tomatoes to be a fruit?  (ed. The answer is NO because you would not put tomatoes on a fruit salad.)

- If you could pick your own name, what would it be?

- Do you ski?  Alpine, Nordic, or water?  (ed. Pretentious much?)

- What's your fave season?  (ed. Ah, the weather.  The last bastion of the truly boring, completely banal conversation.)

- What is your dream car?

- Do you have any siblings?

- More specifically, cute, 21 to 25 year old, with a good personality AND a gold AMEX, just dying to date a Pi Phi brothers?  (ed.  Obviously I was ALL ABOUT the sisterhood and was in no way, shape, or form in it to meet boys.)

- And when may I meet him?  (ed. Oh, wait.)

- Do you like corn chowder?  (ed.  Sadly, not a double entendre.  I'd just discovered this kind of soup and was a bit obsessive about it.)

- Do you like Fresca?  (ed. Seriously, this is getting painful.)

- If Jason Priestly were to walk into this room right now, what would you do?

- What about Richard Grieco?  Richard Gere?  Dan Quayle?  (ed. I'd probably ask Richard Grieco for a Fresca.)

- How do they get those ships in those little bottles?

- If you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Pez, cherry flavor, right?  (ed. I guess someone saw Stand by Me, yes?)

- What's the dumbest thing you ever bought?

- What are your hobbies?

- (ed. And now, the big closer, the one question that could potentially affect a rushee's entire future within the sorority, thus her college career and possibly even life beyond that!!!) How do you eat your Oreos?  (ed.  SHAMEFUL.)

* * *

The great irony here is I always thought it was my sorority sisters who were the assholes when they used to call me Hitler. 

Also?  They only elected me rush chair for one semester.  Suddenly, this makes a lot more sense.

Comments

[jodi]

Ah...the good old days. I still have a lot of my old sorority stuff...including my "jacket" that made me such a badass...with my collar flipped up. It was 1990...One semester, I was elected "pledge mistress" how completely unPC is that? The girls had to "greet us" when they saw us...and lord forbid they didn't. I loved rush, because I was such a people person back then, I thought everyone should get the chance to meet me!! (Not at all self centered!)I was a fraternity sweetheart...and honestly, why there was not a statue erected in my honor, is still a mystery to me.
Thanks for bringing back the memories...I am going to dig out my scrapbook and call one of my "sisters!!"

[LizClara]

Greek life was not a big deal at my college, at least not to the extent it is at other schools. My only experience with it was living next door in the dorms to two girls who were rushing, and their little test or whatever they had to do was to walk around the floor saying the most vulgar things, as well as write them on other people's dry erase board. There is nothing like trying to make it out the door to an 8 am class and seeing, "I love the way your pussy smells" written on your door!

[Ginny]

I watched "Sydney White and The Seven Dorks" with my daughter a few days ago and thought their portrayal of sorority life must have been grossly exaggerated in the name of comedy. After reading Jen's post and the above remarks, however? Not so much!!!

Good stuff, Jen! Hope you're planning to work some of this into the next book you write!!!

[Kate]

Oh, my gosh. I ran Rush one year and nearly lost my mind. And now I'm being recruited to direct reruitment for my residency program, and no one understands why I joke about our interview gatherings as Rush functions and being Rush chair and then cackle maniacally (because I amuse myself so much). I'm so ripping this off for interview season next year. Particularly "If Richard Greico offered you a Fresca, what flavor would you take?"

[Kari]

Oh dear lord, I would've surely ended up telling someone off. I love the conversation openers. Jason Priestly was my favorite! Even back then you were hilarious, though it can't even compare with your books now :)

[Jara]

OMG, that is TOO funny! That "manual" and your comments totally play into every sorority stereotype. And it's awesomely bad! Sadly, I wish our rush chairs had been kinda like that when I was in school (I hope you liked Trideltas!). I, however, will admit that I (a la Jen) took matters into my own hands when I chaired one of our rush parties. I enforced a dress code, had a chi-chi menu all planned out (baked brie in phyllo with apples and water crackers, petit fours, spanakopita, and New York Style Cheesecake - pretentious much?), and directed (and by directed, I mean dictated) the "actors" in our skit. Yeah, I wasn't a party chair again. But our party got rave reviews from rushees!

[Kristie]

Hi Jen

Love this post... It brings me back to my days of avoiding KD rush week (I had a thing about everyone wearing the same outfit - funny that now I strictly enforce the "grooming guidelines" and have been heard to say things like - "it's a uniform for a reason people... we want you to look UNIFORM!" at my job, oh well - working for the man will do that to you). Anyhow... I am new to blogging (and I love it BTW) and I am also looking for a Book Club... you mentioned the Book Club Circuit... can you give more info - or a link where girls like me can try to find an already established club?

Thanks,

Kristie

PS I am local - and i think we may have had the same Dr. how rude of her to leave us... I am still traumatized.

[kim]

Yeah, I meant sorority life. Sorority live sounds like a stage show...

[kim]

Ah, sorority live, how I've missed you. 5 years after college graduation, I still keep in very close contact with 6 of my sisters (which is good, right?). I was also a Rho Chi (recruitment counselor) senior year, and it was such a blessing. Unfortunately, I was also the new member chair my junior year. Talk about a thankless job! I wasn't even an officer! My points were equal to the girl who organized the phone tree! Sorry, clearly still bitter... Also, I STILL don't know our founder's names, except for one. And I don't remember when we were founded. Shameful!

[trish]

The gospel according to Jenn...LOVE IT!!

[Travelphile]

I completely identify with this. I was also in charge of sorority rush, and I also wrote a manual. I too recommended that the girls try just a wee bit of makeup for rush, and I'm pretty sure my sisters hated me for my power trip, too. The one difference is that my manual also addressed the training of pledges, so you can just imagine the hilarity there. Surprisingly, I'm still involved as an alumna member AND a college advisor, but I've, uh, since learned to chill the f--- out.

[Stefanie]

Ahhhhhh Sorority Rush... Oh the insanity. This brought back tons of memories!

[Heather]

When my daughters leave for college (7 years 6 months, not that I am counting) and they ask why I didn't join into the sorority life at the great University of Tennessee, Knoxville....I will now be able to show them this printed blog and let them choose for themselves!!!!!!

[Jennifer6]

Um... starting with number four, these are all questions I would still ask. Is that bad?

[Rosalind]

OMG. OMG!!!
That you were brave enough to do this... and put it out there to entertain your masses... Thank you.
I recently threw out all my "deep thought" highschool diaries because after reading five pages I was shocked that I actually became a functional human being....

[Shannon]

So, so sad. But funny! And we had to be catty against SOMEONE--I mean, it's not like the campus was teeming with other sororities! (Although I am glad that the recruitment days for me are long behind me.)

Brilliant, just brillant. As a side note, you 'll be happy to know that some things change, but some remain the same. My pledge class was responsible for causing the DG's to send the Hanna ragdoll to archives--apparently, taking her to Showgirl 2 and giving her a sharpie tattoo that says "I (heart) Pi Phi IN Eta" was the final straw.

Funny, I thought sending pieces we cut out of her with ransom notes would have done it.

[tutugirl1345]

I'm suddenly remembering why I decided to be a Recruitment Counselor this semester instead of going through all this stuff. Ah, the joys of wearing whatever you want while your roommates spend an hour and a half getting dressed up for 6 hours of uncomfortable conversation

[Shannon]

No offense to you ex- sorority sisters, but i never did understand the appeal of sororities. Now i know why. On a side note jen, i love the conversation savers! Did you really ask those questions?

[patricia]

So, my big question is, how many of your sorority sisters do you still keep in touch with? Just curious if the whole 'you make friends for life' thing is true.

[Caitlin]

hahah my best friend was rush chair in the fall and sadly (with the exceptions of the questions) everything is still the same (but a lot more influence on the grooming and clothes )

[Cherine]

As a former sorority girl myself, I thoroughly enjoyed this because it reminded me of just how awful rush is, and why I managed to wiggle my way out of at least some nights each year :)

My "fave" question of yours was, "Have you ever been to Paris?" Don't know why, but that was just brilliant.

[Christi]

You should see sorority rushes now. The secret lingo during rush on whether the girl is great or a loser, there are a lot of hand signals flying about. I even doctored a document for my friend to get her out of rush, ah the beauty of photoshop.