I have a spare half hour before I have to get to the gym and that's not enough time to write a cohesive blog entry with a clearly defined beginning, middle, and end.
However, thirty minutes is PLENTY of time to throw some random shit up on this page about what's been making me smile this week.
* * *
SMILE: The Onion's headline Kitchen Floor Conflict Intensifies as Rival Housecats Claim Same Empty Bag.
(But I just wouldn't be me if I didn't include the reverse of what's making me unhappy.)
FROWN: This same kind of conflict taking place at 4:00 AM with my very shout-y cats. On my face.
* * *
SMILE: The new season of America's Next Top Model, the Hey, The CW Finally Gave Us a Budget! cycle.
FROWN: Not understanding when the Somali model talked about having her, um, downstairs ritually mutilated and thus Googling the images. (Seriously, that wasn't a lunar eclipse last night - it was the physical manifestation of all my screaming.)
* * *
SMILE: Reading about how Baltimore is trying to keep the stray pet population down through the use of the "neuter scooter."
FROWN: That the bulk of the strays are pit bulls.
* * *
SMILE: New books from all my favorite authors are coming out this spring/summer, e.g. Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner, Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin, One Fifth Avenue by Candace Bushnell, Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger, Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella, The Beach House by Jane Green, The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death by Laurie Notaro, and This Charming Man by Marian Keyes.
FROWN: That Such a Pretty Fat will be competing against the above.
* * *
SMILE: The fresh batch of Botox has finally kicked in and suddenly I look 30 again!
FROWN: Now it's kind of impossible to frown OR scowl. Instead, I must express my displeasure with a raised, clenched fist.
And... there you go. A page full of random shit in thirty minutes or less.
Augusten Burroughs has one coming out too! "A Wolf at the Table," I think, and I believe it's out sometime in April. SO I get Burroughs in April, Lancaster in May, Sedaris in June...it's like the hat trick of awesome reads! Also, can't wait to meet you in New York!
Posted by: Malia | February 25, 2008 at 01:13 AM
The only book I'm excited about this spring is Such a Pretty Fat. I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas!
Posted by: Lindsay | February 23, 2008 at 12:25 AM
Great blog. We own 8 Domino's Pizza stores in Corpus Christi, TX and I love that you mentioned us! Have a sexy weekend with the new 30ish face.
Posted by: katherine | February 22, 2008 at 05:38 PM
I'm so excited that all of those books are coming out and that you love all of the authors and that your's will also finally be here. (I support the use of run-on sentences.)
Also, an old OLD favorite Onion headline: "Non-crime fighting dog takes bite out of couch."
Posted by: devon | February 22, 2008 at 03:46 PM
Better than Dominos because it's calorie free!!!
I heart you!!!
Posted by: michelle | February 22, 2008 at 03:10 PM
Hey there, I received an email at work today from our Director of Media Services regarding recent information about the T.V. shows that went missing during the writers strike. I wanted to share and I hope the list makes you smile and not frown!
Formatting this was a bit tricky so I hope it's not too confusing. The last numer is how many episodes are left.
Enjoy!
Returning Scripted Series:
Network Program Day Time Date # Original
Episodes
ABC Samantha Who? Mon 930-10PM April 7 6
Boston Legal Tue 10-11PM April 8 6
Desperate
Housewives Sun 9-10PM April 13 6
Brothers
& Sisters Sun 10-11PM April 20 4
Ugly Betty Thu 8-9PM April 24 5
Grey's Anatomy Thu 9-10PM April 24 5
Lost Thu 10-11PM April 24 5
CBS How I Met
Your Mother Mon 830-9PM Mar 17 9
The Big Bang
Theory Mon 8-830PM Mar 17 9
Two and
a Half Men Mon 9-930PM Mar 17 9
CSI: Miami Mon 10-11PM Mar 24 8
Cold Case Sun 9-10PM Mar 30 5
Criminal Minds Wed 9-10PM Apr 2 7
CSI: NY Wed 10-11PM Apr 2 7
CSI Thu 9-10PM Apr 3 6
Without a Trace Thu 10-11PM Apr 3 6
Ghost Whisperer Fri 8-9PM Apr 4 6
Numb3r Fri 10-11PM Apr 4 6
NCIS Tue 8-9PM Apr 8 7
Moonlight Fri 9-10PM Apr 11 4
Rules
of Engagement Mon 930-10PM Apr 14 6
Shark ??? ??? ??? 4
Fox House Mon 9-10PM Apr 28 4
Bones Mon 8-9PM Apr 14 6
Til Death Wed 8-830PM Apr 16 ???
Back to You Wed 830-9PM Apr 16 8
NBC My Name is Earl Thu 8-830PM Apr 3 9
30 Rock Thu 830-9PM Apr 10 5
The Office Thu 9-930PM Apr 10 6
Scrubs Thu 930-10PM Apr 10 9
ER Thu 10-11PM Apr 10 6
Law & Order: SVU Tue 10-11PM Apr 15 5
Law & Order Wed 10-11PM Apr 23 5
CW The Game Sun 9-930PM Mar 23 9
One Tree Hill Mon 9-10PM Apr 14 6
Smallville Thu 8-9PM Apr 17 5
Gossip Girl Mon 8-9PM Apr 21 5
Reaper Tue 8-9PM Apr 22 5
Supernatural Thu 9-10PM Apr 24 4
Aliens in America Sun 830-9PM Mar 2 8
Everybody
Hates Chris Sun 8-830PM Mar 2 12
Postponed until nest season:
ABC Pushing Daisies
Private Practice
Dirty, Sexy, Money
Fox 24
NBC Heroes
Chuck
Life
Status unknown:
ABC Women's Murder Club
Carpoolers
Eli Stone
Men in Trees
CBS Jericho
The Unit
Fox Prison Break
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
NBC Las Vegas
Medium
Lipstick Jungle
Friday Night Lights
Most likely or already cancelled:
ABC Big Shots
Cashmere Mafia
Cavemen
Notes From the Underbelly
October Road
CBS Cane
NBC Bionic Woman
Journeyman
Fox K-Ville
CW Life is Wild
WWE: Smackdown
Girlfriends
Posted by: Jennifer | February 22, 2008 at 02:42 PM
I puffy heart Botox!
And you too!!
When, Indy??
Posted by: Bunny Bunster | February 22, 2008 at 01:38 PM
I actually think you have a leg up on the competition- most of those books are coming out in hardcover, and yours always goes straight to paperback, so I think a lot of people will buy yours because it will be half as much, and wait until the others comes out in paperback.
Posted by: Liz | February 22, 2008 at 01:32 PM
The idea of the raised clenched fist is great! That should really be the way that everyone shows displeasure, plus, it doesn't leave frown lines! Out of all those books that you listed, I'm most excited for yours.
Posted by: Sheenah | February 22, 2008 at 10:12 AM
Jen you make my day.
Posted by: Tracie from WI | February 22, 2008 at 09:43 AM
'...Pretty Fat' is already in my shopping cart alongside Marian Keyes, Jennifer Weiner and Laurie Notaro, just waiting for the day...
Posted by: DIANE SHIPLEY | February 22, 2008 at 08:29 AM
I love your post. And I wouldn't worry. I've been planning on buying your book for a looong time. I'll find the money. In fact, if I can preorder already on Amazon, I will do so today.
And I love the line about shaking your fist. I find that is very effective anyway.
Keep up the great work! You have my laughing out loud!! (The people in my office are going to send me to mandatory counseling. Again.)
Posted by: Laura | February 22, 2008 at 08:18 AM
The problems is not that there are so many great books coming out this spring, the problem is that I will finish them within days of receiving them -- I cannot delay my gratification! This blog is the cure for the between-book blues.
Posted by: Suzanne | February 22, 2008 at 07:45 AM
Awesome. Perfect 30 minute or less spiel. Once again, you rock in a big, HUGE way!
Posted by: Jessica | February 21, 2008 at 10:53 PM
I will trade you your face-sitting cat fight any day for my fat three-legged cat. He takes his nightly constitutional in his cat box and then washes his paws...every night. every.night.like.faithful.clockwork. the only problem with this is that he comes to our bed to do his clean up...and, you guessed it, sits on my face. right on it, with his freshly emptied but not always freshly cleaned booty-hole on my face!
wanna trade now?
Posted by: Dianne | February 21, 2008 at 08:47 PM
you are part of that group of writers in my mind!!! i love your books. they are the most passed around between my girlfriends! I am going to pre-order your book right now!
Posted by: bethany | February 21, 2008 at 08:07 PM
Jen:
The Onion's coverage of the feline Mason-Dixon rivalry had me laughing so hard I was crying AND hyper-ventilating. My own household Hatfield and McCoy engage in a similar version every night at exactly 9:30 (seriously - you can set your watch by it)! Their dividing line is the hallway to the bathroom.
Bully for the Botox! As a fellow sister in the toxin-injected sorority, I haven't made a facial expression since 2005. I LOVE IT. Since I am 296 days away from 40, I intend to continue my expressionless disillusionment with the world.
Really, I am smiling!
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa Ann | February 21, 2008 at 08:04 PM
Those are going to be very fun books. I LOVE all those writers and, of course, you too! Can't wait for Spring.
Posted by: Lesli LeJeune | February 21, 2008 at 07:32 PM
I'm still working my way through a whole stack of books you recommended (Girls of Riyadh, Pug Hill, etc.), but I'm always happy to add more to the pile. Since we have about 80 feet of snow on the ground, it's hard to envision myself camped out on a deck chair, a mojito in one hand and your new book in the other. Now I have a meditation image for the next month!
BTW to the poster who wanted a Botox alternative: try Freeze 24/7 cream from Bliss. Minute amounts gently patted into those creases and fine lines will plump them up within minutes. It lasts 8-12 hours and is best applied to bare skin before your moisturizer or makeup. I would wear the Freeze 24/7 during the day and keep using the Olay at night. As a 46-year-old sun lover, I am the voice of experience. Good luck!
Posted by: iamlandlocked | February 21, 2008 at 07:03 PM
Wow those are a lot coming out but as others mention, yours is up at the top of the must purchase list (and helps to confirm my streak of reading lots will continue).
I was shocked about the girl on ANTM. I cannot even imagine that (and *definitely* could do without seeing the pics - wince...)
Posted by: LJ | February 21, 2008 at 04:19 PM
Holy Cats I am going to read like a fiend this summer. Outstanding!
I want to see Botox pix too! Share with the class!
Posted by: Renee in Chicago | February 21, 2008 at 04:13 PM
Your book is the first on the "must have" list. The others can wait ;)
As for that article re: Kitchen Conflict - my eyeliner didn't stand a chance! That was too much!
Posted by: Lys | February 21, 2008 at 03:35 PM
OOh! I like all of those authors! whee!
Posted by: sally | February 21, 2008 at 03:30 PM
A raised clenched fist is a great way to demonstrate one's displeasure. Who needs a facial expression!? ;)
That's some great reading on the horizon.
Posted by: sizzle | February 21, 2008 at 03:14 PM
Holy cow! Five of my favorite authors (including you!) coming out with books this spring... I've got my work cut out for me. If only I could find a way to get paid for all this reading.
Don't think of it as competition. After all, I found Bitter because it was on the same table as Jane Green, and Jane Green because she was on the same table as Sophie Kinsella. Plus, think of all the "people who read this also read 'Such a Pretty Fat'" sales you are going to get out of it!
Posted by: Melanie | February 21, 2008 at 03:07 PM
oh Jenn, you make my work day so much better. I heart you.
Posted by: Alison | February 21, 2008 at 03:00 PM
Oh you just made me so excited for lots of Summer reading/tanning.
Can we see pictures of the Botox? Since you're shafting Boston on the book tour, it's the least you can do.
Posted by: Alison | February 21, 2008 at 02:26 PM
Oooh -- I didn't know Marian Keyes and Laurie Notaro had new ones coming out... perfect for the beach... ummm, I mean, sitting inside not damaging my skin.
No competition... I always finish yours in about one sitting, so that will be done weeks before theirs come out. And even if yours came out at the same time, there's plenty of demand for smart, witty, female writers :-)
Posted by: Tracy in NYC | February 21, 2008 at 02:26 PM
The Humane Society is running a program simliar to the one in Baltimore called Spay Day USA. And as a promo they're also putting together a pet photo contest — you should totally enter Maisy!!
http://www.spaydayusa.org/
Posted by: Jeannine | February 21, 2008 at 02:21 PM
Don't forget - David Sedaris has a new book coming out as well - When You Are Engulfed in Flames. But by the time that comes out in June, I will have already finished your book :)
Posted by: Sally | February 21, 2008 at 02:07 PM
How was ANTM? I totally forgot to DVR it! My hub was watching Idol and I fell asleep! Ugh.
Lots of books coming out...fantabulous. I pre-ordered Pretty Fat (!!!) as a treat and the rest I will wait for used on Amazon (Sorry, I'm a poor girl who will be paying off her wedding until she dies.)
Botox = my dream. But, I am 1 - broke and 2 - super chicken. I think I am going to try this on for size as an alternative:
"Olay Regenerist Filling & sealing Wrinkle Treatment - The dual action process works in two ways: penetrates into the wrinkle surface to immediately reduce the appearance of wrinkle depth and length. At the surface, it creates a micro-bonding network that seals in moisturizer to regenerate skin's appearance, and diminish the look of fine lines & wrinkles all day.
Olay Regenerist Filling + Sealing Wrinkle Treatment fills inside creases and seals at the surface to diminish the look of fine lines & wrinkles. Precision delivery system targets key wrinkle-prone areas around the eyes, mouth and on the forehead."
Sounds good, no?
Has anyone tried this? Does it work???
T.y.
Posted by: Sara | February 21, 2008 at 02:04 PM
How was ANTM? I totally forgot to DVR it! My hub was watching Idol and I fell asleep! Ugh.
Lots of books coming out...fantabulous. I pre-ordered Pretty Fat (!!!) as a treat and the rest I will wait for used on Amazon (Sorry, I'm a poor girl who will be paying off her wedding until she dies.)
Botox = my dream. But, I am 1 - broke and 2 - super chicken. I think I am going to try this on for size as an alternative:
"Olay Regenerist Filling & sealing Wrinkle Treatment - The dual action process works in two ways: penetrates into the wrinkle surface to immediately reduce the appearance of wrinkle depth and length. At the surface, it creates a micro-bonding network that seals in moisturizer to regenerate skin's appearance, and diminish the look of fine lines & wrinkles all day.
Olay Regenerist Filling + Sealing Wrinkle Treatment fills inside creases and seals at the surface to diminish the look of fine lines & wrinkles. Precision delivery system targets key wrinkle-prone areas around the eyes, mouth and on the forehead."
Sounds good, no?
Has anyone tried this? Does it work???
T.y.
Posted by: Sara | February 21, 2008 at 02:04 PM
Jen -
You are such a great writer, you are PART of that group of writers and don't have a thing to worry about and even if you did - who could tell with the Botox !
Posted by: Bing | February 21, 2008 at 01:56 PM
I am so excited...New books from you, Jennifer Weiner, Sophie Kinsella, Jane Green AND Marian Keyes?????
Its like Christmas!
Posted by: Carrie | February 21, 2008 at 01:40 PM
Don't worry about the competition...I have plenty of space for all of those upcoming titles, including yours. :) When is the release date again? Soon?
Posted by: Timre | February 21, 2008 at 01:17 PM
Did getting botox hurt? I am considering it, but don't know anyone who's had it done.
And, totally can't wait for your book to come out!! I wouldn't worry too much about competition. I think most book lovers are the same--it's not "this over that", it's "let's get both!!!" At least in my house.
Posted by: amanda | February 21, 2008 at 01:17 PM