Setting: The bookstore in Skokie, next to the really good supermarket which is totally worth the eleven mile ride on the expressway, even if it takes 45 minutes to go that far because no one around here knows how to fucking drive if it's not 72 degrees and sunny and how can you live in this city for more than five seconds and be SURPRISED about any weather-based occurrences?
Me: Jesus Christ, why are you buying so many magazines?
Fletch: Because they all pertain to my interests.
Me: I was unaware you had that many interests. What have you got there?
Fletch: (shuffles through stack) Here's a Mac magazine, and a different Mac magazine, here's two home theater magazines, three new car buying guides-
Me: Bup, bup, bup, you are NOT getting a new car or a home theater system.
Fletch: (shrugs) I know. But I enjoy researching what's out there.
Me: (shudders) At this point, I'm not even sure where you end and my father begins. What else do you have?
Fletch: Lemme see, oh, here's the new issue of Bimmer. (the BMW enthusiast magazine, and FYI, I don't subscribe to reading materials about my car because there's no publication dedicated to seven year old Nissans that smell like dog and have dented fenders) Finally, I've got Guns and Ammo and Guns Magazine.
Me: Wow. Two weapons publications? I'm sorry, were they all out of Soldier of Fortune and the Firearms Gazette?
Fletch: What? I like reading about guns.
Me: Yeah. Someone is SO putting you on a list with this purchase.
Fletch: (heading towards checkout, but then stopping) I might get a new cookbook while we're here, too.
Me: Oh, God, please no.
Fletch: Why?
Me: (grimacing) Are you going to make me say it?
Fletch: Say what?
Me: Just, please, no more cookbooks.
Fletch: Why not?
Me: You know why.
Fletch: I don't know why.
Me: Don't make me say it.
Fletch: You're talking gibberish again.
Me: OK, how about this? Everyone who DIDN'T give himself food poisoning this weekend by eating his scary homemade pasta sauce, raise his hand. (pause) Yeah, that's what I thought.
Fletch: Point taken. No cookbooks. I guess I'm ready.
Me: Cool. (paying, then walking to the parking lot) Hey, you know what's ironic?
Fletch: Hmm?
Me: That I'm not at all afraid of your fascination with weapons. And yet the idea of you cooking? Scares the pants off me.
lissalissa this is too funny.my lovely husband who has not an ounce of fat on him, cooks only "good for you" food, which basically means i have to go through a drive through, eat, and air out the g-ride before i get home, then politely pick at the steamed veggies, steamed beige chicken, and steamed rice when i get home. any way this chick at work made homemade apple butter (or something equally precious) for him and when i was spooning it up for him it fell on the floor. the dog who eats ANYTHING smelled it and walked away. this is funny to me because the dog had no problem eating half of my mariah carey cd, i know he did because half of it was in a pile of his caca and the other half was on the floor.
Posted by: Ms. Mickey | February 20, 2008 at 11:18 PM
Please tell Fletch "hi" from another Bimmer owner. I heart my '72 BMW 2002.
Posted by: Amy in SoCal | February 20, 2008 at 11:07 PM
I love it when you share your conversations with Fletch.
And can I just say that I actually get a magazine (totally free) for my seven year old, dented Subaru and all it does is depress me? Like maybe the Subaru people are just teasing me with it, tempting me to buy a new car when I can barely put gas in the one I have?
Posted by: Jerseygirl89 | February 20, 2008 at 08:47 PM
Gawd, I WISH my husband would make something poisonous...at least then he's quit trying to cook and, even worse, no..MUCH worse...THINKING he can cook.... I harken to one no-so-fabulous weekend when Mr. Near and Dear was REWARDING me by preparing my favorite..a fabulous Italian dinner...I salivated all day imagining lasagna, veal parmesan, veal piccatta, at least spaghetti and meatballs followed by a rich tiramisu. I would have been satisfied with Chef Boyardee and a cup of spumoni.....no...I get the bane of all good carbo-whores (carbivores?) everywhere...I get vegetables.....Near-and-Dear read somewhere that stuffed peppers are "Italian food".....no, you're still wrong, you're still thinking like someone who knows how to read a cookbook....at least like someone who has ever seen a cooking show on tv....I did not get peppers stuffed with ground beef tomato sauce and rice....NNOO sir ee Bob's yer uncle....I got green peppers stuffed with YELLOW SQUASH..... thats IT!!!! he cut open the pepper (leaving the seeds in) mashed up some summer squash, shoveled it inside and threw it in the oven. Then wanted high praise for giving me "my favorite". At least if it was food poisoning I'd stand a chance at convincing him not to do it again. When he discovered I wasn't pleased with my "treat" he then turned it on me and said I "should be pleased" because its "good for me". So, apparently are seaweed and tofu but you won't catch me calling them treats......
Posted by: LissaLissa | February 20, 2008 at 08:22 PM
OMG, y'all kill me.
Except that would have been ME with the stack of mags, not hubs.
Posted by: southernfriedgirl | February 20, 2008 at 08:11 PM
HAHAHAHA! I love it when you post your 'Fletch' dialogues.
Saaayy...is that another book...?
Posted by: sheilah | February 20, 2008 at 11:55 AM
Oh, beware the home theater and new car buying guides! It all starts our harmlessly enough with a casual reading of the mags and some "research". Before you know it he's calling you from some electronics store three states over saying they have the BEST DEAL EVER and if you don't buy whatever item RIGHT THIS SECOND you will all burst into flames.
I speak from the painful experience of one who one day found herself in possession of a gigantic new TV that to this day she's not even really sure where it came from or why it's in her family room.
Posted by: Erika | February 20, 2008 at 11:32 AM
Tia also neglected to mention that she actually worked at a pasta place with the same name as the title of this post.
And, yeah, we'd ALL rather she didn't cook.
Like Fletch, it's just safer that way! =)
Posted by: Jenny | February 20, 2008 at 11:16 AM
No one but you could have had this conversation.
Posted by: Liz | February 20, 2008 at 10:11 AM
That last line? Hilarious!
My husband has caused kitchen fires three times. He is now permanently banned from cooking.
Posted by: Karin | February 20, 2008 at 07:20 AM
I never really got people who buy car magazines really...i had a friend (operative word HAD) who had a jeep and subscribed to this Jeep magazine and was obsessive about it. He would also stop and poop on the side of the road if he had too...oh yeah, maybe that's why I stopped talking to him. And ok what did this pasta have that made him sick? live organs or something?
Posted by: mrs k | February 20, 2008 at 07:12 AM
That's hysterical! After the meatloaf I made the other night, my husband might get me a membership to the NRA just to distract me...
Posted by: Trish Ryan | February 20, 2008 at 12:14 AM
Egad! My husband does all of the cooking.
His mother was Italian, his Dad a cook as a Merchant Marine. There's no hope for me.
At certain times my two kids will both ask for "Mom's specialty": Smoke Sausage broiled with BBQ sauce and Kraft Maccaroni. Yes, at those times my husband simply retreats to the bedroom and allows me my 15 minutes.
Posted by: Teche | February 19, 2008 at 10:21 PM
Did you really say bup, bup, bup?
Posted by: Kristabella | February 19, 2008 at 08:34 PM
I'll tell you what-- I am an excellent cook. Send Fletch to LA to finish packing my place up for me (move is Monday!) and I'll cook you non poisonous food.
hee
Posted by: Amy | February 19, 2008 at 07:56 PM
Sounds like a lot of $ for magazines. Get him to quit buying so many and mebbe then have more $ for a nicer ride, or at least to get yours detailed once in a while to de-dog-funkify it!
Posted by: Nicole | February 19, 2008 at 05:13 PM
He should've seen that comment coming! You're always good for a laugh with your conversations with Fletch!
Posted by: Kari | February 19, 2008 at 04:11 PM
the other day my mom commented to my husband that i could probably cook a little more.
he said "i'd rather that she didn't."
burn!
Posted by: tia | February 19, 2008 at 03:59 PM
OK, now you have to tell what Fletch put in the sauce to poison himself. I didn't know pasta sauce could be so dangerous! Of course, my cooking consists mainly of sandwiches and boxed pasta, so there's a lot I don't know.
But I can bake with the best of them. And really, which would you rather have... a roast or a homemade cheesecake? Yeah, I thought so.
Posted by: FunnyGal KAT | February 19, 2008 at 03:27 PM
What is the really good supermarket in Skokie? I don't live that far and I am always looking for new and different. Have you tried Valli's in Arlington Heeights?
Posted by: amy | February 19, 2008 at 03:15 PM
Now I have to take Fletch's side this time. I can own it, not a great cook but I try. Who knew there was such thing as "too much" cream of chicken in enchiladas? And 3 years later I still can't live it down! At least give him some props for trying. :)
Posted by: Candice Hunsaker | February 19, 2008 at 02:59 PM
My husband struggles making a sandwich. Not sure why the putting turkey on bread freaks him out so much ...
Posted by: Stephanie | February 19, 2008 at 02:45 PM
This situation is actually in reverse for me. My husband calls out the paramedics whenever I pull out a pan. So what that ONE TIME I made one lasagna with a wee little bit of glass in it? I've never lived it down.
*Everyone survived the meal just fine, thank you very much. And I'm proud to say that I had a part in spagehtti sauce now coming in plastic jars (sort of).
Posted by: Abigail Jennings | February 19, 2008 at 02:41 PM
My husband can SOMETIMES follow the direction on a box....BUT really, what is so hard about boil noodles for 7 minutes, drain, open cheese, squeeze out of bag onto pasta and stir? ROCKET SCIENCE for some!
You know there is DEFINITELY something wrong if the dogs won't even eat it! Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Somedayme2 | February 19, 2008 at 01:58 PM
I am with you on this !! My hubby once made a tofu stirfry because he thought it would be a good idea to eat healthy one night... 2 hours later after some choice words he ordered a pizza :0)
Word to the wise - tofu when cooked wrong is good to use as a sponge.
Posted by: Canadiankid | February 19, 2008 at 01:31 PM