I Never Do This (Except for Jolene)

My friend Jolene just tagged me for a meme.  I rarely participate in these things, but I'm making an exception for my girl.  (Also, this is a cheap 'n easy way to tell a few tales from my weekend without having to do much work.)

So here goes...

1.  Link back to the person who tagged you.

2.  Post these rules on your blog.

3.  Share six unimportant things about yourself.

4.  Tag six random people at the end of your entry.

* * * Six Unimportant Things about Jen * * *

1.  Fletch and I are the dumbest smart people we know.  For example, we've been having router troubles, so we spent HOURS dissecting the whole seven-layer OSI model and running complicated diagnostics and pinging servers all over the world to figure out what was going on with our at-home network.  At no point did it ever occur to us the problem could be the cat sleeping on top of the router in the cabinet.

2.  I have a "thing" for banana flavor. As a plain piece of fruit, I can take it or leave it.  I tend to eat them more for the convenience/portability factor rather than any great and abiding love.  However, the second you add sugar, cream, or alcohol, the banana takes on MAGICAL qualities, such as in the case of Cafe Selmarie's Bananas Foster pancakes with the caramel-toffee-rum glaze that I inhaled yesterday.  (Related note: while we were waiting to be seated for brunch Fletch was so excited to be out of the house for once that he couldn't modulate his inside-voice.  Everything he said came out as though he were announcing it, which was fine when he was noting exactly how many people were wearing NorthFace jackets, but less so when he proclaimed, "There sure are a lot of lesbians in here!"  Me.  Floor.  Open.  Die.)

3.  I'm actually able to turn the other cheek once in a while.  Let's take this morning, for example.  The construction crew next door began work at 5:30 AM - with hammers and everything - two and a half hours earlier than what is legal.  I didn't call the police to report a code violation, figuring whomever is swinging a hammer at 5:30 AM isn't doing it because he wants to.  The crew has got to be on deadline and that's something I can respect, so I put in earplugs and went back to sleep.  (The fact that Adrienne Shelley, my favorite screenwriter, was murdered by the loud contractor she complained about may have factored into this decision.)

4.  Despite the ability described in #3, I'm still really, delightfully, and creatively vindictive.  Case in point, some 20 year old emo kid just put a bunch of captions on my photos on MySpace calling me fat.  Um, hi?  Yeah, I know I'm fat; I've seen myself naked.  I've also written an entire book about having a positive body image so I'm not exactly crying into my coffee (with heavy cream!) right now.  The vindictiveness comes in because I read this girl's profile and she's all about ending world hunger and promoting peace, both lovely sentiments.  Yet as a direct result of her asshole-ery, I'm going to make donations to both the NRA and the McCain campaign from my hey-I'm-fat-book money in her honor.  Nice job, Justine from Portland.  Because of you, there will be more armed Republicans on the street.  Oh, the irony - it burns!  It burns!

5.  Every night before bed I read in a tub scented with either lemongrass, eucalyptus, rosemary, or tea tree oils.  And I'm deeply in love with Burt's Bees Therapeutic Bath Crystals because it combines almost all those scents.  (This one is kind of anti-climactic, isn't it?  No fighting, no armed Republicans, no clueless emo kids.  Sorry.  Will try harder on the next one.)

6.  I don't understand everyone's recent fascination with bacon.  I mean, yeah, bacon is good.  Meaty.  Smoky.  Crunchy.  (Or chewy, depending on your preference.)  Bacon is always a nice compliment to dish.  However, bacon is not and will never be the new cupcake.  Go on the Atkins Diet for a week and then tell me if you're still so goddamned excited about it.

OK, that's it.  Illuminating, yes?  Now I'm tagging the following people:

Kristabella - Fine, she has a cat named Bacon, but I believe she's always been a fan and isn't one of you bacon-come-latelys.

Manic Mommy - Despite her penchant for floor-candy, I'm interested to hear what she has to say.

Jess - She's likely freaking the fuck out over her upcoming book launch and would probably dig a quick distraction.

Martha - Because she hardly ever posts anymore and that is a damn shame.

Fussypants - She's adorable and always writes something uplifting, thus she can compensate for all my vitriol.

SnarkyMommy - You'll want to check out her shirts, and she'll make up for all my right-wing-edness.

The rest of you can consider yourselves on the hook for leaving one random/unimportant fact about yourselves in the comments section.  So have at it. 

(But be cool, 'cause I have my checkbook ready...)

Comments

[Melissa]

I hate using markers and certain mechanical pencils because they squeak when you write. Everytime I am intoxicated, I must lay in the bottom of my shower for an extended period of time. My roommates used to drag me out for fear of drowning. Also, I can not sleep without a blanket. It can be 90 degrees out and I still use a comforter because it protects me from those wolves. Finally, I've had this recurring dream my whole life that I can breathe under water. Very odd.

[Kris]

I have hundreds of candles and candleholders that take up several shelves in a huge armoire. They have to be sorted by color, size and scent. If they're not, I know it and it drives me crazy until they're properly placed. And candleholders must be organized as well... crystal tealight holders next to pewter pillars? Perish the thought! But this obsession really only applies to my candles. I've got junk drawers, and other storage shelves aren't nearly as neat as the candles. Go figure.

[Kristin]

When I get a ringing sound in my ear, I must say this little mantra or someone close to me will die. I don't have to say it out loud, but I have to move my lips.

[Heather]

I read my ex-boyfriend's wife's blog and then leave comments using fake names.

[Meg]

So after reading ALL of these, I suddenly realized that I know A LOT of people with similar neurotic tics as everyone else, but can think of very few of my own; only strange because everyone I know could probably list ten oddities about me, but I think I'm just right :) Here are random facts though:

I will always choose an animal over a person-even myself. This trait was passed on from my mother who would sooner feed stray cats and dogs than buy food for herself. We never went hungry, but not one animal in our neighborhood did either.

I'm far more spiteful than I really like to think I am. An example: my ex-boyfriend was super-OCD about folding and stacking wash cloths. They all had to be folded the same way, then stacked in order by color and placed on the appropriate shelf in the bathroom. He also had a ritual about getting in bed: he folded the comforter back at a specific angle, folded and smoothed the sheet over it, then gently got into bed, and pulled the covers back over himself, smoothing again just so it was all perfect and flat. When he would piss me off, I would lay in bed next to him and kick my feet until the sheets would come untucked at the bottom of the bed and when he got up to fix it (because he couldn't sleep in an unmade bed) I would run into the bathroom and ruffle up all the wash cloths. As he was 'fixing' those, the sheets became mysteriously untucked again. This would go on until he apologized for whatever he had done to make me mad. I know it's not right to prey on OCD tendencies, but sometimes he deserved it.

I caught myself wondering how many strokes of deodorant I put on this morning as I was applying it.

I found myself at work today giggling at the thought of a cat turning around and around on top of a router until his balls were directly over the vent; and then wondering how comforting that must feel.

[Christine]

1. I love the words "obsequious" and "quixotic". But you don't get to use them very often.
2. I hate chewing gum - I think it lowers your perceived i.q. by about 20 points.
3. My bills must also be in order in my wallet, and I always have a Disney Dollar and a two dollar bill in it.
4. I lost on both "Jeopardy" and "Win Ben Stein's Money".
5. I worked as a professional virgin - no lie. At the Texas Renaissance Festival.
6. I gained 1/2 a shoe size with each pregnancy - so I went from a 7 to a 9.

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Jen, your traffic is leaking! Thanks.
I. do. not. do. memes.
However-
When YOU tag me,
I. do. memes.

Much love to ya, Alli

[cappp]

Peeps are only good if they are hard as a rock. Week-old peeps-not so good. Month old Peeps - yummy!

[Lin]

People who say "fustrated" instead of "frustrated".

[Rachel]

...I too counted my deodorant strokes this morning and thought of her!

[Paula]

I hate when people say 'samich' instead of sandwich.

[Sara G]

Random thought to share is that your books have just bonded me with a distance friend of a friend. Now we can't get enough of reminiscing of our favorite parts. Who knew you can make friends over a book? Love it.

[Manic Mommy]

Oops sorry -- I sound like a complete idiot in the above comment... "Does deodorizes"...

Anyway, the girl who associates colors with numbers, that is way cool/interesting. People are soooo unique!

[Manic Mommy]

Can I just say to the girl who does deodorizes her armpits EXACTLY 11 times on each side each morning? I am thinking of you every morning now when I put on my own deodorant and TRYING not to count how many swipes I do!

[Rebecca]

I can't stand when people (boys) where their pants hanging down. It looks stupid!!!! You have a waist and a butt, use them!

[Shannon D.]

ayntastic-- i have never acknowledged it, but yes, i agree that the new windmills (they call them wind turbines nowadays for some reason) are weird too. i am not exactly afraid of them, but they are sorta weird in a futuristic european way. why must things from over there be all sleek, metallic, white, and minimalistic? those people invented old school style- why are they all eurotech now? i would welcome old fashioned dutch windmills across the landscape. pretty.

[chel]

Two weeks ago I joined a gym - that I have not gone to once. It is the same gym I quit two years ago because I never went one single time in the FOUR years that I had THAT membership!!

Nice...

[Lucy]

When in public, if someone sneezes or coughs (you know, the kind: over-the-top mucus, drowning in phlegm) I have to drop e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. that I'm doing -- including shopping for super cute accessories or delicious skin preparations -- I have to leave empty-handed and angry (because I left behind my carefully considered must-haves) at my intolerance for those folks who have such a disregard of spreading what are most-likely those "super germs" that everyone keeps talking about because of their obsession with all things anti-bacterial that are simply accelerating the spread of such germs.

[Colleen]

Can you catch OCD just by reading about it? I want to go by a bag of M&M's just to see if they taste better by color!

Some oddities about me that i had before I read everyone's post:

I have to check every mirrors in a hotel room for a camera. I never found one with a camera behind it, but you never know!

[Heather in Texas]

Random thing? I have to have all of the cans in my pantry facing EXACTLY front and and positioned EXACTLY the right way. Never mind that you can't sit in the passenger side of my car for lack of a seat with all of the crap piled up, or you can't see the top of my desk, again, all the crap, my pantry is PERFECT.

Banana's? Bliss has not been achieved until you have had sliced banana's on toasted bread, with Nutella and a sprinkling of chopped Hazelnuts samich. Must go clean up my drool now...

[Dani]

I'm the only person I know who can do an entire load of orange laundry. Between it being my favorite color and four years at a college with orange as a school color (and come to think of it, a boyfriend who spent those same four years at a different orange loving college) its on shirts, pants, shorts, sweatshirts...even underwear.

(and I'm super happy someone else doesn't like bacon. Thanks twin24)

[Dave]

My entire bookshelf and CD rack is arranged alphabetically by author/artist, chronological by date of publication/release, and there is NO exception to this rule. I will individually move each and every item if need be to accommodate a new entry (as I did when Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale needed to be added).

[Lauren]

Lin--I love that you understand what I am saying about large metal stuctures that scare the crap out of me. I too am scared of silos and water towers. I think about how much stuff is in there and that if you fell in you couldn't get out. I am also scared of those big things that pump oil out of the ground out in the country! Ahhhhh!

[Leigh]

I hate, Hate, HATE it when people eat while they're on the phone with me! The phone seems to amplify their chewing noises (much like those disgusting Hardee's commercials). Don't call me if you're eating! Don't answer the phone if you're eating! My mom and sister are the worst! They always manage to eat potato chips while on the phone with me. The other gross thing is when someone guzzles their beverage while on the phone. Those nasty throat sounds...Ugh!

[ayntastic]

The money in my wallet MUST be in descending order ($20's to the back, singles in front) and all facing the same way. I work in a bookstore and cannot function until the money in my till is arranged correctly. If it is not all facing the same way, chaos will ensue.
I also can't stand it if the food on my plate is touching. Ewww.
I think windmills are creepy--not the old school Dutch ones, but the modern white ones. Shudder.
I HATE people who say "ink pen". Duh.
I believe I have just the right amount of OCD to make me interesting.

[Kelly]

I love #3. Way to go.

My random fact: I hate getting water on my face. I won't go underwater when swimming and if I happen to get a few drips on my face, I need to go blot to get them off... It's a pain to take a shower and I'm awfully creative when it comes to washing my face.

[Julz]

I absolutely cannot stand the sound of bubbles popping. Like after I brush my teeth and the bubbles and water go down the drain... the sound of the bubbles popping almost makes me have a seizure.

[twin24]

My list:

-Seeing a random piece of hair (obviously not mine) is enough to make me gag- literally. It could be from my boyfriend (I mean if I had one) or my family or a friend or anyone -doesn't matter still grosses me out. The 6 inches of cat hair layered on every piece of furniture & clothing I own is not a problem.

-I floss my teeth in the shower while the conditioner is on my hair.

-Bacon, bacon, bacon. I hate bacon. I've never liked it. I don't like how it looks or smells and I definitely don't like the taste regardless of how it's prepared. Yet whenever I go to Denny's or Ihop I really believe I should have the bacon with my "moons over my hammy" and I hate it every time. But I will eat it in a club sandwhich.

-After being unemployed for the past 7 months(laid off from the mortgage industry) I was so worried about how the lemon poppyseed muffin I had 4 days ago might show up on an employment drug test that I almost completely forgot to mention the Adderall I take for my ADHD. I was so concerned about the muffin I was researching it online...

Ok, that last one doesn't seem as funny or quirky as it does sort of wierd but I think I feel better now that it's out.

And last but not least:

-I really believe I am as funny as Kathy Griffin or Ellen (ok maybe that's a stretch but not a big one) and I totally would have my own show if I knew anyone who did anything with tv or famous people or something like that. yeah, my own show.

[Lin]

Yeah, I really didn't think I would read through all these but I did...and thank you, everybody...all my OCDs have come to light.

1. HATE the word "moist" like most people here. I also despise the word "yeast". Gross.

2. I can only eat eggs when my mom makes them or myself. My husband tried to make eggs for me once...never again has he tried.

3. I hate big things like boats in the ocean...the size of them freaks me out plus all that water. Ick. I also hate silos..especially when they pop up out of flat land. I had to drive 2.5 hours through empty cornfields to get to college from my hometown and I would freak out every single frickin' time. Total stomach clenching and diarrhea.

4. I like the word "diarrhea". I think its pretty.

5. I hate seeing kids chew on knitted mittens or gloves. It makes me shudder and makes my teeth feel all nasty. For hours.

6. I can't watch commercials or tv shows about animals in distress or pain. I will cry for hours so I just have to have the remote constantly in my hand when watching something in case there is a need for emergency channel surfing.

7. I can't go to the bathroom in a public bathroom is there is a vent over or near the stall. I have a paranoia about there ebing a camera in there. One time, in my office, the maintainence guy joked about being able to see us in the bathroom. I didn't go to the bathroom at work for 3 weeks. Not even to pee. I don't know how I did it but I did. I'm surprised I didn't rupture my bladder or kidney.

[Kirsten]

I have a weird thing about my sheets. All of my friends know these rules and must obey them or else they get yelled at, and I'm not afraid to yell in order to protect my sheets.

1. There will be no shoes of any kind on the bed while you are wearing them. (When i pile my heels on top of the comforter while deciding which pair to wear in the morning...that's fine).

2. There will not any clothes that you have worn outside that day in between or touching the sheets. If you have 2 shirts on and take the top one off. fine.

3. if you go to sit down on my bed you had best pull the comforter up so you are not sitting on my sheets or you will get yelled at.

4. There MUST be a top sheet. (I don't know what the fuck is wrong with men/boys/guys and their lack of topsheetedness but i have slept in far too many boy beds sans top sheet. (those are different stories)

5. There will be no napping between the sheets unless said nap is longer than 2 hours. if it is intended to be less the couch is a more suitable place. And if the nap is going to last more than 2 hours and take place in the bed; clothes must be changed.

[Boo]

Random facts:

1. My family teases me and calls me Monk because I have a thing about germs.

2. I won't touch raw chicken.

3. I am addicted to lip gloss - must have it on at all times, even when sleeping.

4. I can look a doughnut in the eye and not eat it.

We are just individuals - thank goodness - when somebody snorts while laughing, it makes me laugh harder, which is an ab workout, so don't knock it!
Rock on, chicas.

[Karyl]

Lisa Johnson: I thought about your post all day and smiled every time I thought of it. I am so glad Dad is travelling now! Thanks for sharing.

[Karyl]

Random Fact: I am scared of ships. Not cruise ships, as they are white and shiny and clean, but the big gray ones that are for shipping cargo or oil tankers. They are mean and scary, like if I get too close they will attack me. I have lived by the ocean all my life; if there is a big scary-type ship way out there, miles off the coast, I won't go in the water. The only source of blame I can come up with is my mother, because when I was 8 years old the movie "Poseidon Adventure" came out. On the preview, there's Shelley Winters thrashing about desperately fighting for air, and my mom said her biggest fear was drowning. But I'm not afraid of drowning, I am afraid of being mauled by a ship. Hmmm...

[Teresa]

P.S. my apologies to Shannon D for referencing a bird.

Also, to Justine in Portland - in 10 years when your metabolism slows down, I am going to be laughing my fat ass off at you. Karma's a bitch.

[Teresa]

(1) I do the whole Skittles/m&m thing too, but I also have to eat them 2 at a time by color (one for each side of the mouth). If there is an odd number of any color, I can't eat the remaining one, the singles (I call them "orphans") are piled together and someone else has to eat them, or they get thrown out. No offense meant to any orphans out there... I once accidentally ate an odd number of Skittles and had to buy another pack to even things out.

(2) I love raw bananas but hate anything banana-flavored or bananas cooked or mixed into anything.

(3) Closet doors, drawers, toilet seats, all have to be closed. I was recently in a meeting about a huge bank merger and could not concentrate at all because I could see the closet door in the hallway was ajar.

(4) I can cook really complex things from scratch (and I'm a good cook, I even make my own pasta) but completely destroy simple things like grilled cheese or frozen pizza.

whew... I feel as free as a barnswallow!

[michelle]

I've spent the last hour laughing out loud at some of these posts!! I'm with everyone on the word MOIST...GAG! My biggest issue is that I can't stand to touch my food! I try to have as little hand to food contact as possible. I eat almost everything with a fork and a knife so I don't have to "feel" or "smell" food on my hands. If I am driving down the road and see someone driving and eating a big, greasy biscuit with their hands it seriously creeps me out! I feel like I need to wash my hands after seeing that. I eat popcorn with only my thumb and forefinger (pincher style) because I can't stand the feel of buttery popcorn all over my hands. If I do have to pick something up and eat it with my hands, I won't put it down...I'll hold it until I'm done eating so as to minimize the number of times I have to "feel" it. I'm very OCD...

[Leslie]

1. I have a hard time pronouncing the word "horseradish."
2. I hate unloading the dishwasher. Although I'm glad I have one.
3. I will often straighten up clutter but won't actually clean it up.
4. When I'm running, which I don't really do anymore (thanks a lot, left knee), I fantasize about being a figure skater.
5. I associate numbers with colors (1=white, 2=red, 3=gray, 4=green, 5=red, 6=gray, 7=yellow, 8=red, 9=brown, 10=white).
6. I often skip showers on my days off, even if I work out -- which sometimes includes a Bikram yoga class. But only if my husband is away.

[vyonne]

I spend at least twenty minutes a day at my job(in a big time bank) looking at pictures of otters and cross eyed cats on Google... until old people with ziplocs full of unrolled change come in demanding I count it for them, and get pissy when I stare at them with a look that plainly says "No thanks. I am not yo bitch". dont't they have grandchildren they can bribe to do that? I mean when I was little I was VERY easily persuaded with goldfish. I cleaned the baseboards of a 43 foot hallway for my own bag of them! JEEEZ

[Sally]

Weird fact not about me: I'm watching "Bad Girls Club" as I'm reading everyone's comments and a commercial came on for Time Life cd's of praise songs. Someone needs to take a marketing class and learn about target markets.
Not so weird fact that IS about me: I hate when people say "the male species" or "the female species." It's a gender, not a species. If men and women were of different species, we couldn't make babies.

[Sarah]

Okay, so I'm like the bazillionth person to post, so I'm sure no one is going to read this, but here goes...

I can't stand watching people sing on TV. If they happen to sing while dancing - and the dancing is *very* animated - then I can almost deal with it. However, someone standing there singing into a microphone? Just can't do it. Which makes it impossible to watch American Idol, which means I'm missing out on a whole segment of pop culture right now.

Luckily, when I tell people why I have no idea who Sanjaya is, they are so distracted by my total freakishness, they no longer think I'm a misfit for not watching AI.

[KLDelly]

Saw this and thought of you...
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=10621151
Love you, mean it! :)

[Heather]

My son takes bacon to school for lunch everyday. Its turkey bacon but its bacon. It is all he will eat. I tried to make him a sandwich one day and he freaked out. Also, I recently read all 7 Harry Potter books back to back. I miss Harry.

[Lauren]

Something wierd? I am terrified of things that are in the water such as large boats, bridges, light houses....It isn't the actual thing that scares me but the part that is underneath the water because I know how slimy it probably is. I am terrified of large boats because I don't know how deep down into the water they go. It sends a shiver down my spine thinking about it. I have no problem getting on a boat but the thought of touching or coming close to the part under water freaks me out and makes me want to puke.

Another thing that makes me want to puke is any name with a "th" in it. These being Nathan, Ethan, Kathy, Ethel, Matthew... Don't know why but they make me sick.. Sorry to offend any "th" named people!

[Jamie in PDX]

To defend Portland's honor (since it's a fabulous city) I have to explain that smarmy, self-righteous girls like Justine are a dime a dozen out here. Fortunately, those of us who are employed, have taste & don't look like a toddler dressed us, are thrilled the death that you will be visiting P-town on your upcoming book tour! Oh, and pay no attention to Justine when she asks you for spare change as you exit Powell's.

[Tracy]

I cannot borrow books. Ever. I must own them. And I will only loan you a book if I have an extra copy. And you've passed a very rigorous background check.

It gets expensive. But so worth it.

[Darci]

Thank god for all of you that also hate the word moist! I keep telling my husband I'm not alone! One of my best friends (who is, ahem, SEVERAL years older than me) says he loves "The World According to Darci" because I have such an interesting view of things. It's a lovely way of saying I'm opinionated as hell and it's amusing.

Also? I must have toilet seat lids closed when not in use. Not the seat you sit on, but the lid. Always. If I see an open lid at someone's house, I will close it. I close the lid right after I go, every time, no matter where I am. Surprisingly, commerical/no lid toilets don't bother me though. It's more of a Feng Shui thing, where I read once that your money goes down the drain so close your toilet seat lids and you'll have better chi. My income has more than quadrupled in the 8 years since I've become compulsive about it, so don't laugh...

[Liza]

...and I hate feet. Don't want them near me--they make me gag!

[Liza]

I want to throttle idiots who use the word 'literally' incorrectly. "I literally died!" then why the fuck are you standing in front of me??!?

[Jess]

On the topic of great words (or really bitchy words).

my roommate in college had a girlfriend who I hated..she was gross. I used to call her "dough biscuit" since her skin looked like what the biscuit dough does when you pop those cans of pilsbury!

Yeah, I'm a bit snarky..deal with it!

[TheBabblingHousewife]

I don't like to touch wooden spoons. The cooking kind or the ones that come with ice cream cups. Bleh. I have to hold them with a dish towel or something.