I Never Do This (Except for Jolene)

My friend Jolene just tagged me for a meme.  I rarely participate in these things, but I'm making an exception for my girl.  (Also, this is a cheap 'n easy way to tell a few tales from my weekend without having to do much work.)

So here goes...

1.  Link back to the person who tagged you.

2.  Post these rules on your blog.

3.  Share six unimportant things about yourself.

4.  Tag six random people at the end of your entry.

* * * Six Unimportant Things about Jen * * *

1.  Fletch and I are the dumbest smart people we know.  For example, we've been having router troubles, so we spent HOURS dissecting the whole seven-layer OSI model and running complicated diagnostics and pinging servers all over the world to figure out what was going on with our at-home network.  At no point did it ever occur to us the problem could be the cat sleeping on top of the router in the cabinet.

2.  I have a "thing" for banana flavor. As a plain piece of fruit, I can take it or leave it.  I tend to eat them more for the convenience/portability factor rather than any great and abiding love.  However, the second you add sugar, cream, or alcohol, the banana takes on MAGICAL qualities, such as in the case of Cafe Selmarie's Bananas Foster pancakes with the caramel-toffee-rum glaze that I inhaled yesterday.  (Related note: while we were waiting to be seated for brunch Fletch was so excited to be out of the house for once that he couldn't modulate his inside-voice.  Everything he said came out as though he were announcing it, which was fine when he was noting exactly how many people were wearing NorthFace jackets, but less so when he proclaimed, "There sure are a lot of lesbians in here!"  Me.  Floor.  Open.  Die.)

3.  I'm actually able to turn the other cheek once in a while.  Let's take this morning, for example.  The construction crew next door began work at 5:30 AM - with hammers and everything - two and a half hours earlier than what is legal.  I didn't call the police to report a code violation, figuring whomever is swinging a hammer at 5:30 AM isn't doing it because he wants to.  The crew has got to be on deadline and that's something I can respect, so I put in earplugs and went back to sleep.  (The fact that Adrienne Shelley, my favorite screenwriter, was murdered by the loud contractor she complained about may have factored into this decision.)

4.  Despite the ability described in #3, I'm still really, delightfully, and creatively vindictive.  Case in point, some 20 year old emo kid just put a bunch of captions on my photos on MySpace calling me fat.  Um, hi?  Yeah, I know I'm fat; I've seen myself naked.  I've also written an entire book about having a positive body image so I'm not exactly crying into my coffee (with heavy cream!) right now.  The vindictiveness comes in because I read this girl's profile and she's all about ending world hunger and promoting peace, both lovely sentiments.  Yet as a direct result of her asshole-ery, I'm going to make donations to both the NRA and the McCain campaign from my hey-I'm-fat-book money in her honor.  Nice job, Justine from Portland.  Because of you, there will be more armed Republicans on the street.  Oh, the irony - it burns!  It burns!

5.  Every night before bed I read in a tub scented with either lemongrass, eucalyptus, rosemary, or tea tree oils.  And I'm deeply in love with Burt's Bees Therapeutic Bath Crystals because it combines almost all those scents.  (This one is kind of anti-climactic, isn't it?  No fighting, no armed Republicans, no clueless emo kids.  Sorry.  Will try harder on the next one.)

6.  I don't understand everyone's recent fascination with bacon.  I mean, yeah, bacon is good.  Meaty.  Smoky.  Crunchy.  (Or chewy, depending on your preference.)  Bacon is always a nice compliment to dish.  However, bacon is not and will never be the new cupcake.  Go on the Atkins Diet for a week and then tell me if you're still so goddamned excited about it.

OK, that's it.  Illuminating, yes?  Now I'm tagging the following people:

Kristabella - Fine, she has a cat named Bacon, but I believe she's always been a fan and isn't one of you bacon-come-latelys.

Manic Mommy - Despite her penchant for floor-candy, I'm interested to hear what she has to say.

Jess - She's likely freaking the fuck out over her upcoming book launch and would probably dig a quick distraction.

Martha - Because she hardly ever posts anymore and that is a damn shame.

Fussypants - She's adorable and always writes something uplifting, thus she can compensate for all my vitriol.

SnarkyMommy - You'll want to check out her shirts, and she'll make up for all my right-wing-edness.

The rest of you can consider yourselves on the hook for leaving one random/unimportant fact about yourselves in the comments section.  So have at it. 

(But be cool, 'cause I have my checkbook ready...)

Comments

[Sheila]

Weird fact about me: I like all of my bills to face right side up / face forward in my wallet. It freaks me out if I look in to get money and George is upside down or backwards. I'm weird.

[Lizzie]

I dont know if No. 2 can really be said to be specific to bananas...I mean, in my opinion, when you add sugar, cream and alcohol to anything, it takes on magical properties. (Especially with regard to the alcohol!)

[Dara]

I had my tongue pierced in college during my semester abroad. It has now been 5+ years and I am beginning a new career in teaching. For said career, I felt it was a smart move to remove the ring (and partially due to the bump that decided to set up shop next to the ring). When I took out the ring, I cried. A good solid cry. I felt like I was 'removing my youth'. Then, I cried again for being the type of person that thinks like that.

[Candice]

I am crazy about even numbers. When I tip or fill up my gas tank I have to round up to an even number ending in zero's.

[marta]

I'm afraid to change light bulbs. Both the taking out of the old bulb and the installing of the new one. Ohhh.. so many horrible possibilities. The bulb may break or the glass part come out, leaving the screwy base part still screwed in to the lamp and then I might get electrocuted... And then it makes me think of those circus type people who eat light bulbs.. Oh God!

[Joely]

i love when people point out the obvious...such as in #4. (which by the way, i don't think you are fat...you are beautiful!)

so i love to be like *wait a minute? you're telling me i'm fat. oh my god...how could i live my life without you? i didn't realize i was fat until you pointed it out to me. thanks genius!*

i mean seriously, i get that a lot (people telling me i'm fat) and they act like i'll be shocked when they tell me...i am me, i know what i am.

but hey, at least we are doing something about it...

[becca]

my post was switched w/ JenBun's ? I wrote about the wolf, hmmmm??

[Rachel the MILF]

I can not sleep near a window. Ever since I took a trip to the fire department as a child and saw the fire fighter with the oxygen mask that reminded me of an elephant, I think that one will come through my window to take me or that my house will catch on fire. I can sleep with the window at my head but not to either side of me. This has kept me from rearranging our bedroom for the 6 years we have been together.

[Reluctant Housewife]

Fact about me: I'm blown away that you have time to read all these comments! Wow.

[becca]

I can't sleep with my arm hanging over the side of the bed, for fear a wolf may bite it off.

yes I know.........

[JenBun]

My random/unimportant fact? Well, there are NO unimportant things about me (haha! rampant ego! yay!), so here is something random/quirky:

My dog is named after a Red Hot Chili Peppers song.

[Lauren B.]

I have a fear of animals with human like hands. This includes rats, possums, ferrets and most importantly, raccoons.

I had a bad breakup with a fellow and to console myself I went shopping. I bought a sweater and a house. I knew nothing about owning a home, but how hard could it be?

Then a family of raccoons decided to move in under my back porch and scarred me for life…. All night long they would be burrowing away, right under my bedroom window, like they were building some sort of raccoon addition back there. I did what any girl that uses her shoe for a hammer would do. I filled up my spaghetti pot full of water and attempted to dump it on the critters. And then they charged me. And then I dropped the spaghetti pot. And then I told my dad and he fell on the floor laughing. He offered me his raccoon cage, so I could catch the raccoons, drive them to the woods and set them free. Then I fell on the floor laughing. Like I’m really going to drive to a forest with a caged wild animal in my car and set it free- hell to the no.

I now live in a condo. (PS- I did find out that raccoons don’t like the smell of moth balls. I emptied 10 boxes around the porch, making my house smell like an old lady, but keeping animals with human like hands away)

[Ashley]

I love stale gummy bears. I refuse to eat fresh ones. I prefer them to be left out at least 2 weeks, if not more. My mom once found gummy bears in a jar that had been in her classroom for over a year...hard as rocks and heaven to me. Also if I eat raisins I have to swallow them whole because I like the feeling of them in my mouth I just don't like the taste, same for TicTacs.

[Lara]

I have an obsession with eggs- and not in a good way. I hate them with an undying passion. Try going to brunch or heck, even IHOP, and avoid eggs. They are everywhere- omelets, eggs Benedict, over easy, fried, scrambled. Even if you don’t order an egg dish, they all come with eggs on the side. And servers at the restaurant look at you like you’re crazy when you tell them you don’t like eggs. “Seriously? Are you a communist?” And since so many places don’t do substitutions, I’ve had to resort to lying in order to get what I want. So I am now officially allergic to eggs and tell them I will puff up like a marshmellow if they even touch my plate. So there. Side of bacon please.

My grandmother, who is a wonderful cook, would always make this egg casserole for breakfast when we visited that the entire family LOVED. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I would pour almost an entire jar of salsa on top of my slice to mask the taste (I’m from Texas, this is not that unusual). She would just pat my back and say, “Oh, you’re just like me, you love salsa on your eggs.” It became a family joke to see how long I could go without gagging.

[Kallie]

OH and one more (if I may indulge)because it seems that there in not just one unimportant thing about me ...
If my legs are the slightest bit hairy and they are touching each other in the middle of the night, I will get up out of bed and shave them. Have to. No choice.

[Kallie]

I like Peeps. I do. But not fresh ones. You have to open the package and then pretend that they don't exist and aren't sitting there peeping at you in their peepie little peep voices to eat them before they are at least 3 days aged. They are much better when they are a tad stale.

[Shannon D.]

My Random Fact: I absolutely HATE birds. All birds. They freak. Me. OUT!!!! Small or large, beautiful plumage or the skankiest sparrow you ever saw, it doesn't matter. They ALL are vile, crazy, unpredictable, taloned (?) and beaked creatures. Their beaks and talons are gross. And large birds like ducks, geese, & turkeys are mean and attack you. There's nothing like having a pissed off goose hissing at you while you are shrieking from the top of a picnic table. And put it this way- if a stray dog or even a squirrel somehow got into your house, you could scare it out or sweet talk it until you catch it maybe. But a bird?? Never. They just go batshit crazy and fly at you and try to peck out your eyes and you CAN'T CATCH THEM B/C THEY FLY!!!! AND YOU CAN'T!!!! Not to mention they carry disease, lice, and shit all over everything.

[lyns]

i have milk issues... serious milk issues... here my 3 milk rules:

1- i will only drink milk in my own house- that i bought myself- with TONS of chocolate in it (so much that it is no longer recognizable as milk).

2- NEVER, EVER take a shower after drinking milk... the shower will heat it up and it will curdle in your body... SO GROSS!!!

3- never go outside after drinking milk... for the same reasons as rule number 2... i believe the curdling happens much faster in the shower than outside... (this of course, is based on my vast scientific knowledge of milk curdling)

[Chelsie]

Random/unimportant facts about me:

1. I have to smell everything. I constantly smell my hair, and I have to smell all food before it goes into my mouth. This is not good because my 2 year old has now started smelling everything too.

2. This is so strange but I somehow in my brain belive that what kind of day i am going to have is determined by the kind of perfume I wear. I have some that I like but won't wear because they will make me have a bad day and some that make me have a good day...crazy, I know.

P.S. I had gallstones at age 17 and I also cannot sleep with my close door open

[Erin]

I hate dragonflies. Hate. They are creepy and weird and even though their mating thing where they can fly together while they are mating is kind of cool, I just...no. Can't handle it.

[Dara]

The sound of someone scratching sheets or jeans makes me cringe.

[Kristen]

I don't care what you are - I'll insult you if you donate to my cause - me! Keep doing what you're doing girl, I enjoy reading your blogs and books!

Can't wait until your next installment - come to DC!

[melissa]

I want to shank someone when I see them clip their fingernails in public!! EW, who knows where their grimy nail remnants are landing!! And, as much as I love my pets and animals in general...ugh, the sound of licking...makes me vomit every time!

[Karen Buscemi]

I wish all that nasty plaque didn't build up in my mouth throughout the day, because there is nothing I hate more than brushing my teeth at night. Does it give me glowy skin? No. Does it reduce cellulite? Uh-uh. It's just another freaking task in my long daily list.

[Shelli]

I can NOT watch other people brush their teeth. It will make me hork. I do not understand why so many commercials and tv programs need to show characters brushing their teeth.

What's next, ass wiping?

That's one random fact about me.

[Rachel]

Is is just me, or does this fabulous bunch of ladies bring back (or in) the BEST fucking words that were EVER in the English language!

Like...
Splendid
Twatwaffle
Fucktard
Asshat
Assclown
Moxie

And one of my personal favorites, calling someone who really pisses me off a douche nozzle.

Yes, I'm still in bored in class right now. Corporate Law = one major handjob. (Or shall I say, an un-moist blowjob!)

[Chandra T]

Apparently I inherited some sort of paranoid-alzheimer's-like-OCD from my Grandmother, who checked EVERY lock a million times, because now every time I leave the house I have to go through a checklist...out loud (in my head wouldn't have the same effect). I have a chocolate lab and two cats which are the source of most of the disasters in my house (not counting cooking disasters) so they are at the beginning and end of the list. Each day before walking out the door I begin the checklist with...

"Everyone's accounted for, everyone has food and water, lights are off, doors are locked, air is set, blinds are open; deordorant, perfume and jewelry (because if I don't say it, I will forget one of them)..."

And then just to be sure everything is okay when I come home, I say to the animals "guard the house, eat the burglars and be nice to each other." Otherwise I just know I'd come home to a house with broken locks, no jewelry, electronics or other valuables, with all of my shoes chewed up and the cats sleeping on my clothes.

[Jayme]

I hate all things cinnamon flavored. I have no problem with a natural cinnamon stick or a sprinkle from a jar. Bright red cinnamon flavored anything will actually make me nauseous. If you chew big red and are a close talker/personal space invader you may need a new shirt after our conversation.

[Manic Mommy]

OK, I'm back. Call me anal, but Kiki, I must address your comment:

2. I have a picking/pealing obsession.

3. Mis-spelled words are as obvious to me as cropped pants, white socks with black loafers. It's all enough to drive me to drink. (Banana flavored rum and cream soda, no less).

You spelled pealing wrong--the way you mean it to be should be PEELING!

: )

Sorry, I guess that's one of my annoying, bizarre traits too, like when I go to a restaurant and they have CESAR salad on the menu. DRIVES me crazy too!

[Dana Whitaker]

I am so thankful to have found likeminded souls who separate their Skittles.

One of my quirks (there are many...) is my high level of annoyance at the use of brand names for generic. I ask for a tissue when I blow my nose, since I don't always have Kleenex on hand. Do not refer to all those plastic takeout containers I have in the cupboard as Tupperware, they are not. We don't have an Xerox machines in my building, so I use a copier. It just frosts me when folks violate this rule.

[Jessica]

When my younger brother was born, he had a tube in his head to give him antibiotics because he had some infection. Once, when he was about 3 or 4 (I was 8 or 9) he saw a picture and asked me why he had the tube, and I didn't know, so I told him it was because he was born without a brain, and the doctors had to give him liquid brains through the tube. I also told him he had to be very careful not to hit his head too hard or his brains would leak out. I didn't tell him this to be mean, though, I told him because I didn't want him to know I didn't know the real answer.

[Rachel]

The best thing about them having those vanity plates, they went to Canada all the time (from PA, have a cabin on a lake), and every single time they went through customs, the officers would snicker yet never ask what it stood for. I like to think that the officers thought they were old and kinky.

The funniest story is that my mother-in-law and all her friends go up to the same cabin and borrow the van. When the customs officers finally asked what it stood for, she told them because "you can't give someone a dry blow job."

[Manic Mommy]

Has anyone here yet discussed a "moist twatwaffle" or am I just behind the times here in my twatwaffledness?

[Jenn]

There are three things that one can do to make me want to punch them in the face and then kick them really hard whilst shouting obscenities:

1. Pop, crack, gnaw and otherwise CHEW gum. Just Stop. It's gross, tacky, and unattractive. I don't care if you are carrying Gucci, if you are chewing gum I will assume it's a knockoff.

2. Again, it's a chewing thing. If I can SEE what's in your mouth, you need to remove yourself from my line of sight. Stop making some much damn noise, shut your mouth, and better yet, never eat again. When people eat loudly, I want to tell them that I hate them.

3. Please stop typing so loud. You're annoying me. Keyboards are pretty sensitive so chances are, if you tap it, a letter will appear on your screen. No need to throw your weight into it. Fucktard (always been by favorite).

[Rachel]

Sherri:
I too am not that fond of the word "moist"...

Ha and especially considering I have a friend that my band and I call "Blowjob", then we shortened it to BJ...

...a vanity plate that says BJ Moist? Oh my god. I bet THAT is a mini-van that must get constantly pulled over by frat boys working for that porn site "MILF Hunters". haha the things people pay for to have put on their license plates!

[Melissa]

I am absolutely scared of dolls, any kind of doll...especially the old antique porcelain ones!! eeekkkk!!

[Rachel]

In response to all the people that hate the word moist (myself included), my mother-in-law's maiden name: Moist!!! Can you believe it! The kicker: the license plate on her parents minivan: BJ Moist (her mothers initials).

[Sherri]

Just like Princess I totally seperate my M&M's, Skittles, etc. into color groups before I eat them! I then procede to eat from the color group that has the highest quantity down to the smallest. People just walk by my desk and shake their heads when they see me with my piles.

Also, bananas are made up of 3 "sections" and always have to split it up before I can eat them. (Bite off the top, squeeze gently and the sections will start to seperate down the middle.)

[Rachel]

I can not stand when people will leave a drawer or cabinet door open, even partially. My other half (because really, I am the better half, who am I kidding?) will open the cabinet to get a glass and will leave it open! Who does that? How much f-ing effort does it take to shut it? Answer: NONE!!! GRRR!

[Frothandfrippery]

Princess, I have a friend in law enforcement who lived in Alaska, and she was a true priss. She would wear her full length mink coat into the station with jewelry and everything. Keep up the good work, because there is no excuse for looking butch--ever!

I worked in the school system for 7 years with a school full of "Justines from Portland". It was pure hell. What a bunch of henpecking grouches! More than anything, I think i just made them jealous of my general cheery disposition and love of makeup. In fact, when I really wanted to piss them off, I'd wear pink.

[amanda]

I have a hard time remembering right from left. It just seems like an arbitrary assignment of title to me, and if I don't make the "L" with my thumb and forefinger, I'm not confident in my choice. Also, I didn't really learn how to tell time on a clock until I was in college.
(Please don't think I'm stupid, just a bit flaky!)

[blu_canary]

Ok, I have 3...

1. I'm afraid of chickens. Deathly.
2. I made up an awesome recipe for bacon cheddar muffins. Goes nicely with strawberry jam.
3. For the past year or so my husband's nickname has been asshat. Mine is twatwaffle. Shortened to "hat" and "waffle" so as not to receive more calls than necessary from my daughter's preschool.

[Pam]

Random fact about me - I have been trying for some time now to determine what my one major talent is in life (I mean, I am pretty good at a lot of things, but being "pretty good" does not equal talent.) I have finally determined that my One Major Talent is that I can untangle pretty much anything. Rope, twine, necklace chains. I can untangle the biggest hopeless messes known to mankind that everyone has given up on. Now if I could only untangle the mess that my life is sometimes....hmmm....

[Heather]

PS I AM one of those armed republicans of which you speak.............

[Heather]

Apparently I have a fascination with trying to find something to wear to work, that "the man" will tell me I cannot wear to work.....For instance, last year I found the most beautiful bright pink-trimmed-in-green Lilly Pulitzer blazer (they were marked WAY down from their original nearly-400-dollars:SEE MUST BUY ON MARK DOWN AM HOMICIDE COP.) So I wore that to work with white pants and matching open toe green low heel shoes. That didn't work. They just stared at me a lot. I have tried skirts (please imagine a female detective in a skirt on a murder scene to gain full knowledge of my bravery)in every Lilly color...to no avail....Are they afraid of me? Maybe it is just because I am the only female?

[Princess]

Random fact about me: When I eat any bite sized candy...skittles, M&m's you name it, I have to separate them by color...all the yellows, reds, greens, blues, whatev and then I eat them in order of lightest to darkest. My hubby(psych degree) says this is borderline OCD behavior. I say it makes me happy. Build a bridge and get over it. Ciao!

[Rachel]

Ha and I couldn't agree with FatNat even more on emo kids.

They tried to ruin MY culture: punk and hardcore music is about standing up for yourself and SURVIVING; going through all kinds of messed up shit and living to tell about it. It is also a somewhat live and let live kind of culture.

Not...wearing your little sister's jeans and whining about every little fucking thing yet at the same time, bitching out other people for how they live or look. Ha I mean come on; Jen will always be fucking fabulous and beautiful no matter what size she is.
That stupid twatwaffle will always be some ugly hooknosed tramp who wished she didn't look like a fucking man! and will always take it out on others.

[Rachel]

bwahaha everyone seems to have caught on my with use of "twatwaffle"...

I may as well throw in some others that I use constantly:

-Handjob, used in the vernacular "Fuck that was a total handjob." as someone(s) making something into a huge bother.

-Then there are several variants that "handjob" goes off on. One time my band was stuck in traffic for a huge show we were supposed to play, with one half of us stuck there and the other half at the club. My phone kept going off from our guitarist telling us about all these gear list complications then I just said, "Well, handjob be damned. This is a FOOTJOB WITH GOLF SHOES."

-Circle jerk, jerkoff session, etc. in the same manner: "Who would've thought ordering through Pizza Hut was such a frigging jerkoff session?!! It's a mass-market PIZZA, not a bomb delivery to Soviet Russia dammit!"

-Assclown: "The people who live next door to me are such assclowns!"

-Assjockey: Similar to assclown but more severe.

Can't wait for the NYC reading!

[FatNat]

I hate to add to such a long thread BUT... emo kids culture, WTF. It's called being a teenager with sucky parents more often than not. I am offically referring to them as TWSP kids for now on LOL...

I am a super sweet person...REALLY.

[LLori]

Wow, long thread. (read tomorrow) We've construction (in the backyard) next street over. They've built a new adjoining fence. Husband primed/painted it a lovely beige. It goes wonderfully w/new white trellis(s) we just bought from Lowe's. Tomorrow painting the new urns apple green. Yes, going wild with color. O.K., I know none of this is funny. However, next week . . we'll be skiing Mammoth. Yipee! Just fun.