Such a Pretty Contest

I'm too sick to be creative today (Pan Asian Death Flu) (or possibly just a bad cold) so I'm going right to the point.

I'm giving away two autographed advanced copies of the new book, one to Jennsylvania.com readers and one to my MySpace friends.  To be eligible to win, tell me your best (or worst) weight loss/diet tale.  Your essay can be funny, sad, poignant, motivational - really, whatever you want to write.  I don't care if a version of the story already appeared on your blog; as long as it's your original work, it's eligible. 

Rules:

1)  Use 500 words or less.  (Sorry, I don't actually have the time to read your whole manuscript.)

2)  Post your story in the comments section of Jennsylvania.com or my MySpace blog.  You may only enter in one place or the other.

3)  If you have a problem getting your comments to post (my SPAM filter tends to operate autonomously) then send me your story in the body of an email, NOT an attachment.  Emails with attachments will be deleted without being opened, but not before being mocked.

4)  You have until 1:00 PM CST on Friday to enter.  Winners will be determined by me and announced on Monday.

5)  My friend Jolene Siana is not eligible to enter because I already have a book for her and she just has to send me her most recent address because I didn't copy it off the envelope because I'm lazy sick.

6)  If you don't have a best (or worst) weight loss/diet story because you've never struggled with your weight, then your fortunate genetics and willpower are already prize enough.

7)  Void where prohibited by law, rules subject to change upon my whim, no deposit, no return, etc.

Ready, set... go! 

Comments

[Dara]

Wow...you really have your work cut out for you reading all of these...i'll try to keep this short.

I'm 20 years old and for my entire life I have been a meat eater!! A couple of months ago I was watching the news when I saw about what they were doing to the cows in California. I started to research the way all animals were treated on these farms, and that was the day I stopped eating meat...cold turkey (ha ha no pun intended). I feel so much healthier after giving up all meat, eggs, and dairy. It also makes me feel like I am making a positive contribution to the world every time I enjoy a meatless meal! I always enjoyed the quote "Be the change you want to see in the world!" and now I feel like I am!

[Jen]

I was just newly married and had finally quit smoking. Hubby and I went to the inlaws for Thanksgiving and his Grandmother tells me not 5 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner (the meal you look forward to for a full year!), "my you certainly have filled out this past year". Thanks Grandma.

[Lindsey]

I’m not sure how many people I know have had their best friends measure their ass size behind their backs (they actually used a tape measure and I had no clue- stop laughing). Most people won’t have sympathy for my story which is fine, BUT- no matter what size you are, you can still go through a struggle with your weight. The real issue isn’t how much I weigh, but how I finally became COMFORTABLE with my weight. Thank you for doing this contest and allowing us to share our stories. (Even if I don’t win I’m still buying your book!!!).
Call it the “freshman 15” or just call it “Lindsey got chunky”. Whatever. Being a competitive gymnast my entire life, I should have realized I’d balloon up like a blowfish as soon as I quit the sport and went to college (go Spartans! (Ok, I’m an Indiana fan, too- GO BIG 10!)). I’m sure the combination of not working out 4 hours a day, staying up late, eating bagels and ice cream in the café- all contributed (btw, I stole numerous boxes of Lucky Charms from the Café 2 Go in our dorm… such a rebel!). By Thanksgiving I had put on close to 25 pounds and it was quite embarrassing considering less than a year prior I was dancing around on a spring floor and showing off for the judges. No way I’d put on a leotard again.
When I went back home for Thanksgiving (my first visit back to Kalamazoo (Yes! There really is a Kalamazoo!) ), I knew that people would say something. But what I didn’t know is that my closest friends would hurt me the most. About a month later, I found out that one night when we were hanging out in my kitchen, I was leaning over the counter and 3 of my guy friends actually took a tape measure and measured my ass. Something set off inside of me and it was the beginning of a very tumultuous time in my life. From that moment until I was 24, I became the stereotypical “eating disorder ridden” girl that I’m sure you hate. I hated myself too. At first I stopped eating and lost 30 pounds. It was so gross. Then I put it all back on and became bulimic (throwing up is the worst thing ever, who would actually make themselves do it?!). It was such an awful time in my life and I felt like I’d never feel good about myself again.
Long story short (seriously, how can I tell this in 500 words?!)… Through a lot of emotional healing, I finally became comfortable with my 5’4”- 140 lb frame (please don’t punch me), when I tore my ACL in a freak wakeboarding accident (by “freak” I mean I thought I was good and obviously wasn’t). It wasn’t until I started concentrating on getting my knee healthy that I actually got back into shape. I wasn’t thinking about being smaller or eating better or what I used to weight. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be able to bend down again to play with my neices and nephews. After 6 months of physical therapy, my knee was healing and I had somehow lost close to 20 pounds. Now when I workout, I still focus on making sure my knee is staying strong, and not if I can fit into a size 4. It’s sad that it took an injury to realize this, but I must admit that I am so grateful that I couldn’t complete the 180 degree spin on my wakeboard that day. I feel mentally healthy and never want to go back to that time in my life again.
Thanks again for doing this Jen! I don’t expect to win, but it feels good to see how far I’ve come.

[mrsrcruz]

I come from a family of weight loss rejects. (you wouldn’t call any of us thin, and my husband likes to call me “thick”.. seriously I hate him) My mother has been dieting her whole life; poor thing since her mother is the weight of an Ethiopian & her sister (she’s 6’2, we’re 5’6) probably weighs the same weight as me.

My sister has been dieting since the mid 80’s (skin tight rocker jeans, tucked & rolled are only attractive on the thin), and her birth to twins has not helped the matter or her head banging. I however was blessed to have lived through the MC Hammer era, leaving me plenty of room for yo-yoing.

As an adult I have struggled with the same 5-10 pounds. This has wreaked havoc on my closet since I must have on hand at least 3-4 clothing sizes at any given time. There once was a brief period where I did loss my ever loving mind and decided that 2 hours of working out a day (7 days a week) was completely appropriate while taking in maybe 1000 calories. Thru the many dizzy/fainting spells I looked AWESOME (a size 2), which I kept for a period of time till I got pregnant (on birth control) and here I am back to the 5-10 pound yo-yo where my only saving grace is the baby doll top!

[AJ]

This is from Oct 2005!

On My Weight Loss Techniques-

Oh yeah, ya'll, I'm writing a book. I'm thinking that people can benefit from my weight loss techniques. As I joke with my friends, my motto is why deprive yourself of carbs and sugar when you can just not eat anything for a couple of meals!

People always want the quick way to lose weight. Well, all you need to do is get a Lupron injection (it's for decreased bone density, bitches), work 15-20 hours a week, and take full time grad school classes, and I guarantee that you will lose that extra 10 pounds, lol. Not really, but that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

[Stephanie]

Let's call this "Rejection as Diet Drug."

I hit puberty at a young age (and I do mean YOUNG, my period came at age 9 - we hadn't talked about it at school or at home yet, so when it happened I thought I was bleeding to death). As a result, I am bigger than every other little girl in my fifth grade class, so of course I get made fun of. Around then, my dad also decides to nickname me "Two-Ton Tessie" because I am now too heavy to pick up, so at that point I decide I am fat (although in retrospect, I wasn't).

In junior high, I start swimming competitively, and while my eating habits are terrible, I basically stay in the "normal" range for weight due to the 6x a week work-outs. I still feel fat.

High school, have to quit swimming because of stupid, stupid asthma, continue to eat as if I am swimming, jump to 165lbs and a size 14 at 5'2". Realize I look like a whale (the skater-kid jeans with the 50" leg openings and green/blue hair cut in the traditional "fat girl bob" probably didn't help there), and decide to diet.

"Diet" wanders into the land of "eating disorder." Not good. Drop to 130lbs, but can't maintain my ridiculously under-nourished lifestyle, and settle out about 10lbs heavier. (But not before looking fabulous and shocking everyone with my hotness in my sparkly, slinky, backless Sweet 16 dress.)

Go to college, lose 10lbs the first year, then meet a loser (hereinafter to be known as "Captain LoserPants") who introduces me to the wonders of binge-drinking and late-night take-out. Get fat.

Senior year - Catch Capt. LoserPants at a bar with his tongue down some tiny blonde girl's throat. Cry, drink bottle of white wine accompanied by pint of Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream ice cream, then put down the Ben & Jerry's and lace up the running sneakers with the goal of trying to get skinny enough to win him back.

Reach my goal weight (125lbs) and acquire fabulously toned ass along the way. Also acquire 180lbs of fabulous, muscled, blue-eyed gorgeousness in the form of my wonderful new boyfriend. Laugh and hang up when LoserPants sees a new picture of me and calls to confess that he's in love and wants me back.

(Also secretly keep my "fat pants" because I still don't trust myself to keep the weight off... I may pay an extra $200 a month in rent for the extra closet space, but secret cache of fat pants is worth it.)

[Erin]

If weight watchers had a frequent flyer program I would be fluent in 14 languages. My passport would look like my 4th grade sticker book(minus Rainbow Brite and Holly Hobby). I could tell of times spent on the Great Wall, at the Sistine Chapel, and on the ice road(I love those truckers). I would have chanted with monks, hung ten, and danced with wild abandon at Carnivale. I could have worn a thong on Bondi Beach and went topless in Cannes, if only for the irony.

Alas it is not to be as I find myself yet again hanging out like a herded heifer awaiting my turn with the shriveled up skinny bitch and her "I lost 50 pounds" smile, eager to declare to all within earshot that Satan's tool of torture indicates I have entered the elastic pants zone. I understand why all the lifers who have absconded before me pulled out their own personal paper towels to place atop the purveyor of doom, rather than weigh in wearing their four ounce flip-flops. I hang my head in shame as acknowledgment of my wayward days spent espousing the health benefits of lime in my margarita as I tried to figure out how they actually fry ice cream. I will now kneel before the calorie counting Gods as I seek forgiveness for the extra sauce and extra cheese that have left my booty extra big.

I dejectedly amble from the fiery gates of scalesville, with the white hot burning record of today's weight buried deep in my unused food journal, to the semi-circle of support. I sink sullenly into the very comfortable metal folding chair as I wonder if anyone else's apple bottom actually fits within the frame. I reassure myself that I happen to have chosen the one child size chair in the room, as I consider that I have just agreed to pay strangers to weigh me in weekly. I am beyond mortified that another human being knows my actual weight, a number that up to this point could've taught Fort Knox a thing or two about security. I sit sucking it in trying to appear supportive and applaud politely for those who have reached their goal, as I secretly covet their gold key chain and the freedom from flab it represents. I have concluded that the secret to weight loss in the world of weight watching isn't a sensible plan but sheer dreadful public humiliation. I might as well have the threat of nude public speaking before a bikini waxing convention hanging over my head.

I will embrace my veggies and abstain from all that is good in the world be it iced, creamed, or sprinkled. I will try to make it a straight line from point A to goalsville instead of the whirling dervish I've been stuck in for the last year. A place so easily attainable with the wondrous support of hubby who offered, after my first successful point counting day, to reward me with a mint mint chocolate chocolate chip waffle bowl at the Coldstone Creamery because "you deserve it honey." God I love that man.

[Lisa]

Not for the contest, but slightly funny - I once went on this protein diet that let you have any food you wanted for one hour per week. I pretty much plowed through the entire kitchen in one hour and promptly threw up. I wonder now if this was the point? I am pulling for the woman whose huband wore her pants -- I feel for you sister!!! Once I read your story, I decided not to enter -- I find that one unbeatable. Did he have camel toe?

[Jackie Ragano]

Tuesday nights are known in my household as "Biggest Loser Night", not Just because the bigger loser is on TV but because I always make big warm homemade chocolate chip cookies during the show so we can eat them during the weigh in.
Sick, I know, call it denial, and NO I don't really need to be eating them either.

[Chandra]

i love ur books, Jen!! i can't enter this contest cause - don't hate me - i was born with a fast metabolism. i've been following this contest and i want to weigh in (no pun intended) with my opinion: i vote for the girl who had to leave in the middle of her wedding from a nasty side effect to her diet. that story cracked me up!!
and i also love the woman who's husband wore her pants. classic!
loves it!

[Amy]

Best: Lost 25 pounds in one weekend due to... a metabolism I wish I still had (And stress, but if it means losing weight...)

Worst: Gained 70 pounds through laziness, err stress, and medications - don't listen to them when they tell you birth control may help. They lie!!

[Margot Rudon]

Ok, so here's the deal on my weitht loss adventures. I really need to lose 10 pounds by my next doctor's appt. I thought if I just walk for 20 minutes 3x a week that may help--NOT. So then I go out and buy a new scale, cause my old one was inaccruate. Now every day, I just weight myself and hope that the weight comes off. I have only 3 weeks left and so far...nothing. Maybe I should consider cutting back on what I eat!

[Erin Lynn]

I am just starting out in the radio industry and am coming to realize not only does it pay shit, but you also have to look good even though no one can see you (go figure!). So when I had the opportunity to endorse LA Weight Loss for $150 a week I jumped at the chance to lose some of my extra poundage and get paid for it! Yes, I am a complete sell out. 5 months in it was going great – I lost 30 lbs and was starting to look like the little hottie that got swallowed up by the fat girl long ago. Then all of the sudden, they dropped me. They said they were not getting enough of a response from my endorsement anymore, and that was it. I was pissed, but decided I would feel better about it once I got my money. That never happened. Not only did they up and drop me one day without any warning, they also screwed me out of $1350!! So, out of spite, I said decided they sucked and began eating whatever I wanted. My spite gained me my weight back and now I am once again fat and poor. But I did learn to get the money up front before I put my fat ass on the line again.

[Renelle]

Dammit, a grammatical error was left unrepaired in the last sentence of my entry. Boo to me.

[christi]

I'll keep it simple, the word diet is just die with a t on the end.

[Baltimore Hon]

I'm older than most of you but I have to tell you my story. I was a skinny little thing most of my life but always had "stomach problems". Between 35 and 40 I blew up. Went from 120 pounds at 5'6" to 170 pounds. During that time I was hospitalized with horrible stomach/intenstinal pain four times, put through every test known to mankind and always sent home with a clean colon and no explanation. Finally at age 48 I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease - an auto-immune deficiency where I can't tolerate gluten. Within 3 days of going on a gluten free diet my stomach problems disappeared and within 6 months I dropped 30 pounds. Like the stupid NutraSystem ads say - My body just melted away. I'm not a skinny minny by any means now but at least now I'm not bloated and miserable. I'm still struggling with that last 15 pounds I would like to lose but detest exercise and love my wine. But I'll live with it.
I know this isn't a "dieting" story but it is a "DIET" story. Girls go research gluten and what it does to you. You don't have to have Celiac for it to affect you and to totally sabotage your weight loss/management efforts.
From Dr. Susan Larks Web Site
Food allergies can trigger responses that cause bloating or fluid retention. When the body detects an allergen, it releases histamines and other chemicals to the affected areas, which swell up in response. As we age, our production of digestive enzymes diminishes, creating a greater chance of developing allergic reactions to foods. The two most common food allergens are wheat and dairy.

* Wheat contains a protein called gluten, which is difficult for the body to break down, absorb and assimilate. Women with wheat intolerance are prone to fatigue, depression, bloating, intestinal gas, and bowel changes.

I wish I had seen this 40 years ago.
See you in Northern VA Jen.

[Amy]

Always was a bit chunky. Very sedentary lifestyle, no exercise to speak of unless you count those frantic "I'm going to get hot!" weeks sprinkled throughout the year where I would run up and down the stairs in my house about eighty times a day.

Up and moved to Chicago. Walked places, every day- lost 30 pounds that year! Not even on purpose! Don't hate me.

During that time, I worked for a large chain bookstore whose cash registers occasionally spit out coupons for free baked goods from the cafe with the customers' receipts.

Hoarded the coupons myself and gave them to the skinniest, hottest girls-

I said: "Look! You won free cheesecake! It's really yummy, you should go over and pick it up right now!"

I was thinking: "Skinny bitch. Go get fatter so I can be skinnier by comparision. Even if you puke it up afterward you're bound to absorb at least a few calories. "

[Caroline]

A billion years ago, I was working in a Honolulu bank. I went to a Mainland conference, and when I returned to my office, I received a postcard about a West Coast marketing service that looked intriguing.

I made the call. The CEO’s voice was like cognac and butterscotch and hot sex, a sound that seduced me as I’d never been seduced in my life. He was smart, romantic, funny, wry. I was all that, too—with an ass the size of South Dakota. After a few weeks of conversations that left me dizzy, he said he wanted to meet.

I panicked! I looked at the calendar. In December, I’d turn 30. I told him I wanted him for my birthday. That gave me six months. Surely enough time to turn my ass from South Dakota into New Hampshire! I put myself on a strict diet, joined a gym and started running. I was determined. I was nuts!

As our relationship progressed and got quickly, crazily hotter, we’d send each other elaborate packages stuffed with quirky ephemera and provocative tokens and steamy words. Oh, and photos. His were delicious. I sent him old photos of a skinnier me, and carefully selected newer ones that made me look sorta thin.

When he asked for panties, I panicked again. My ass wasn’t as large as South Dakota anymore, but neither was it the size of New Hampshire. I think I’d closed in on Michigan. I bought a tiny pair of Dior skivvies, in a divine pale peach, and sent them off with fingers crossed against the fib. Of course, he adored them. Guess he never noticed I’d ignored his request for a photo of me wearing the damn things.

Finally, the big day came. Fueled by lust and wishful thinking, I went to fetch him at the airport, wearing a slinky dress, a shade of lipstick I thought of as Fellatio Red, and a pair of rubber underwear that hid the unruly borders of my ass (West Virginia by now!) As he strolled down the jetway, I was a bit taken aback. Was his ass actually bigger than mine? And that weave looked rather like a small squirrel, perched atop his ruddy face. I didn’t care. I was in love! He’d wooed me and won me with that voice and those words.

My friends later told me they’d been quietly horrified. Said he seemed like a creepy used car salesman. But as it turned out… by the end of the weekend, HE’D rejected ME. Chemistry just wasn’t there, he said. He went home early, the day after my birthday.

I was devastated. I asked him to return everything I’d sent him. When the huge box arrived, I went through it all, letters and handmade cards and elaborately wrapped tokens. Finally, I found those panties. Those damn panties! Weeping, I stripped and tried them on. With disbelief and a sense of vindication and joy, I looked in the mirror…

THEY FIT.

[Hallie]

I have struggled all my life with my weight. Over the years I had lost more than 100 lbs twice and more than 75 once. I could just never keep it off. Finally I hit my heaviest and topped the scale at 330 pounds. I couldn’t walk a flight of stairs without sucking wind. My knees, hips and ankles were shot. I wasn’t even 35 and decided that was no way to live life. I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. After a year of insurance approvals, medical tests and a psychological evaluation my surgery was scheduled. The surgery itself went fine. The recovery was a little rough. I ended up in the hospital for 15 days instead of 3. Where they reattached my colon to my stomach swelled shut I couldn’t eat or drink anything without throwing up. I had to get all my food intravenously. Obviously the doctors wanted to send me home so they gave me a central line. The doctor that put in didn’t do it correctly and I ended up infusing two liters of liquid into my chest cavity. Within 48 hours I was back in the hospital with a collapsed lung and congenital heart failure. I spent another week in the hospital with two days in the ICU. When I came home I was extremely weak and breathing at 58% capacity. I had a rough road back but I made a full recovery. I ultimately lost over 150 lbs. I’ve had some plastic surgery to remove the extra skin and have kept the weight off. It will be 5 years this November. I don’t regret my decision at all. I am healthy now. I can do physical activity without it causing me physical pain.

[Laura Anderson]

I won't say I have battled my weight all my life, but pretty much all my adult life. The "freshman 15" started me off and next thing you know I was joining Weight Watchers to fit into the wedding dress I bought that was 2 SIZES SMALLER THAN I WAS! I did lose the weight (though the seamstress, a woman named Brunhilde, still had to add material to the dress under the arms so I could lift my arms high enough to dance with my hubby).

Anyway, I've been up and down ever since. I was at my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER (thanks to WW and a stomach bug) and thinking I looked pretty damn good when my husband (he was my boyfriend then) said, "Great, now we just need to get rid of this little tummy here..."

Pass the sour cream and onion chips!

Recently, I've heard all kinds of little cutesey remarks from my sons, ages 7 and 10. Just last night one asked me, "Mommy, do you have 2 chins?" Adorable.

Once during a crafty moment I helped them make "magic wands" and when they decided to play Harry Potter, my older son said to my younger son "I'll be Harry and you can be Ron" and then he turned to me and said "AND YOU CAN BE HAGRID!" to which my younger son added"BECAUSE YOU'RE SO BIG AND FAT!" (and at the time I WASN'T!)

Things have gotten so bad that I am over the 200lb mark (for the first time WITHOUT another human growing in my body!) and my good friend is thinking of contacting Candy from the show "Intervention" to break me of my Cadbury Mini Eggs habit. (Ironic her name is Candy, isn't it?)

So, do I get the book or what?

P.S. LOVE YOUR BOOKS JEN, YOU ROCK!

[Renelle]

As a junior and senior in high school, I gained quite a bit of weight by eating until my stomach hurt--Thanksgiving style--each and every day. Why? I know not. I remember being horribly disappointed with myself, vowing to start a healthy weight loss plan (and soon!), spending waitressing money on a stationary bike, a mini trampoline, various weight-loss/management books. . .all to no avail. I'd wake up not hungry, eat breakfast anyway, eat a hearty lunch--again, though not hungry. I'd proceed to my after-school waitressing job where I and my co-workers indulged in all we wanted. Mostly broasted chicken and bread pudding served a la caramel sauce and heavy cream. Long story short, I ate three squares + numerous snacks. I was literally never hungry. Five feet tall, I ended up weighing 48 lbs. more than recommended for my height on those fucking height weight charts with which everyone is so familiar in high school. Clearly I had some sort of food issue. Driving this point home: one day after school I found myself alone with a crock pot full of barbequed hamburger sandwich meat. I ate one dozen barbequed hamburger sandwiches before my hardworking mother got home and had to create an alternative meal for me and the rest of the family--oh, I'm sure I ate the alternative meal, though I'd had a substantial appetizer in the form of a FAMILY SIZE CROCK POT FULL OF SUPPER. I'm sure my mom thought I was a. high (I didn't get high) or b. had an unauthorized party from 3 to 5 p.m. during which I fed almost a dozen of my friends (I wish I had). Months passed, I went to college. The little money I had was typically spent at Vanity and Mankato Citizens Telephone Company. I did have another waitressing job, and we could eat for free. . .but they watched us like hawks, we had to write down EVERYthing we ate on a guest receipt (basically this was a food diary), and we were told, "Don't make it your only meal of the day." Well, I'm no idiot. If I'm broke and eating is free at work, it's my only meal of the day. Basically I ate four days per week at the restaurant, and Smack Ramen noodles @ 6 for a buck the other three days. I wittled myself down to a blechey 90 pounds. Some short lived family dysfunction prevented me from comfortably calling home for food money; had it been sent, I probably would have drank it anyway.

[CinnieF]

WEIGHT WATCHERS. And not because of the lame weekly meetings where most people made excuses about why they gained weight the prior week. No, because for the first time in my life, by jotting down what was going in my mouth during the day, I became very aware of WHAT and HOW MUCH I was eating and drinking.

30 lbs later look and feel like a hot 50 year old! And I don't care if I win, cause I've already purchased the new book from Amazon and will be clutching it in my hot little hand come May when I meet you here in Portland, Oregon, hoping for your autograph in person!

[Jen on the Edge]

I started losing weight last fall. After I'd lost about 25 pounds, my jeans were too big. I continued to wear them, even though they were constantly sliding down my hips. Well, I wore them until the day they actually fell off my butt in the middle of Target. I hitched them up and then walked over to the women's department and bought some smaller jeans.

[Amanda]

Food: My Arch-Nemesis

OK…So I’m not sure if this is going to come across as tragic, humorous, or a little of both; but here goes nothing…

I am currently 5’4”, 115 lbs, and it will be a medical miracle when I am able to gain weight. Don’t hate me. Yet.

I popped out of the birth canal at 10 lbs 5 ounces and didn’t stop crying for 6 months straight due to colic accompanied with projectile poop (and YES, I do give my parents major props for not putting me on a church stoop or in a garbage can for that matter).

Basically, my first words out of my mouth were “my tummy hurts” and so at the ripe age of five my medical adventures began. Before I was even legally an adult, I had been to countless award-winning “specialists,” who each had given me false hope that this one last test will solve the mystery of my stomach woes. Thus, I have endured innumerable blood tests, a few torturous allergy back-scratch tests, 3 endoscopies, 2 colonoscopies (which you are correct for thinking, “aren’t you suppose to wait till you are 55 for such torture??”….and PS, the second one they threw in just in case somehow they screwed up the first one…and they have the nerve to call themselves specialists?!?!), a barium test (which is another S&M medical test in which you are forced to drink liquid chalk without puking because that would require you to drink more white shit (which ironically is exactly what happens to your own shit) and then get turned all which ways in a large machine…jealous??), as well as a number of others of which I will spare you the gory detail. All of these promising tests came out as inconclusive (again, revise specialist to dumbass and I will begin to feel better). The final test I partook in before college declared that I would find relief if I stayed away from a 10 page (no exaggeration) list of food and environmental factors. In fact, it went so far as to suggest that I was too allergic to gasoline to pump my own gas…WTF?!?! I decided to give up on an answer, suck it up, and go to college to live it up…probably a bad choice because beer and liquor were definitely on the 10 pager.

Anyway, in the past 4 years, back to the “specialists” I have gone…and this time accompanied with new tests, the highlights of which include a blow test (get your mind out of the gutter) and a radioactive sandwich eating test, which probably has a more technical name but hell if I remember…I had to eat a radioactive sandwich!! Now this last test I mention is special because it required me to fast for 24 hours just so at 7 am in the morning I could eat an egg-salad sandwich, from the hospital cafeteria no less, in which I watched the technician inject radioactive material with a syringe… Seriously? There are no words for the nastiness. After this tasty snack, I was forced to lie in a gianormous scary machine for 3 hours. Of course, all the tests this round were decidedly NOT normal but also inconclusive. Why, you ask, did I take part in the craziness listed above…well at this point my stomach problems had turned into sinus problems which had turned into migraines which had turned into a whole lot of pain, medications, and a sneaking suspicion that I was going to drop dead from a mystery illness at any moment.

Anyways, you want to know the kicker…the person who finally gave me the correct diagnosis was not the numerous gastroenterologists, neurologists, internists, allergists, ENTs, or any of the other ‘fun’ specialists….no, it was a nutritionist, who found my adrenal glands (you know, the things in your body that provides adrenaline at pertinent times in your life) were failing due to a destroyed stomach lining from years of eating food that I my body was attacking instead of digesting (aka I was allergic to)….yea, somehow none of these “specialists” (aka dumbasses) had figured this out…in 25 years!!! So now, food is the enemy…I am allergic to wheat, gluten, soy, corn, milk, and a handful of other things; luckily the problem is solved and I am on the mend….but 25 years? Seriously. Come on Docs…stop with the insane tests and use your heads…PLEASE!! And, back to my first point, when my stomach lining finally restores to some state that resembles normal, and I can start to absorb the nutrients from my food, thus putting on a pound or two…it will literally be the medical miracle I have been waiting for my whole life. Now you can hate me if you wish.

On a more serious note…your books have kept me laughing through this year of recovery, and for that I could not be more thankful. Don’t stop writing…EVER!

PS…I know my story is verging on a memoir but I tried to keep 25 years of my life within the 500 word limit…and I’m not so sure it worked…sorry!

[DGs World By Big D]

Well, Jen, I just ordered your book on Amazon the other day, so I won't enter either. That said, I've tried every type of diet on the planet, from sheer starvation to workout insanity, Nutri-System to Atkins, and my latest thaaaang: I don't eat anything after 5PM. Wanna know something weird? The no-eating-after-5PM seems to work with my metabolism. I've always been fed the line "It doesn't matter when you eat, but WHAT you eat." Well, bullshit. At least for me. In the last five months I've dropped around 15lbs - and I haven't censored a single thing I've eaten during the day. I eat whatever I want. I just don't eat after 5PM. I'm not a huge dinner eater anyway - too much food in the gut at bedtime gives me cramps and gas. So, not only have I lost weight, I have the added benefit of less tootin'.

Can't wait to read the new book!

[Katie]

Senior year of high school - went from running 8 miles a day to hobbling on crutches because of knee surgery, and gained 25lbs because eating was about all the physical activity I could do. I went from size 2 to 6 and somehow couldn't fit in my prom dress. Went off to college, discovered alcohol, gained 10 more lbs. Started running again, tripped while running in a 5k, pulled a ligament in ankle, stopped running. Graduated from college at size 8, worked out to impress a boy, he didn't like me, stopped going to the gym, continued to pay $70/month membership. Today, size 12, after working 50 hour weeks, continuing to drink way too many key lime and chocolate martinis, I'm supposed to run in a 5k in a few weeks, but haven't run in 2 weeks. I look at my Abs Diet book everyday and continue to tell myself, I'll start tomorrow, even if I have 4 weddings to go to this summer!

[Lauren]

Well, seeing as I preordered your book on B&N the day you posted this contest, I'm not even going to enter. But I will say... while I did love the fourth grader story, I'm throwing in my vote (yes, I know, it doesn't count) for the Maria the Nazi story! It was the highlight of my work day :)

[Jennifer]

I have always struggled with the bottom half of my body. I grew up a dancer and when I went away to school and joined a sorority, I gained that freshman fifteen in two seconds flat! I have had success over the years with yoga and pilates. When I lived by myself, I would come home from work and immediately pop in the DVD and roll out the yoga mat. Then I met my husband and everything changed. I came home from work and jumped in the shower to freshen up before heading over to his house to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. Two years ago, this man of my dreams got down on one knee (after an over the top proposal on a score board... yes, I am a cliche!) and I embarked on planning the perfect day. After 5 months of Windsor Pilates, I walked down the aisle a slimmer version of myself. We then settled into domestic bliss and all of the eating and drinking that go with it. My vice-- a great California Cabernet and my husband's fabulous cooking. 10 pounds later, we began fertility treatments to start a family. 20 pounds later (and no baby in sight), I am over it!! I want to be the cute girl my husband fell in love with 3 years ago. I began taking over the duties of walking our dog and doing sit-ups every morning. I convinced my husband that blackened chicken salads were the perfect meal. And then, I broke my knee chasing our Huskey in a thunderstorm at 1am while my husband was overseas for a meeting. Pilates will have to wait, but reading your book early would make it all worth it!!

[Ev Straker]

Ever heard of Anxiety??? It's weight loss' best secret...

Highschool - Athletic, Average (Approx 125-130 lbs)
College - oops! What happened there? Oh about an additional 20 lbs.
Married - Stayed the same.
Got Pregnant - Holy Crap!
Got Pregnant a 2nd time - Good Lord!

Turned the Big 3-0 - Went to celebrate the scary milestone with the man in NYC. Left the kids behind, big City, left a boring life of a stay at home Mom...was anxious the entire trip. Picture the Sex and City Bus Tour with a crazy lady breathing in and out, counting to 10, trying not to barf (Me). My husband looking at me like I've seriously been posessed. I had one sip of my Cosmo and told the husb we were ditching the stupid, suffocating bus and going shopping. Went to DKNY, met Donna Karan and bought some cute tops. Came back 20 lbs lighter. I didn't lose the weight only in the one week. But I was anxious about the trip for a good month and came back and had a good anxiety hang over. The good news, I lost some weight and husband didn't leave me.

Almost a year later....gained 15 lbs since the loss. The last 5 lbs are a but a cheesecake away. Time for some more stress...

[kristin Kaminski]

I have found THE diet secret. Seriously. It's free, actually SAVES you money, AND I have lost about 20** lbs in 3 days! how? you ask. Wellll....here is it....

Move into a new place with no refrigerator AND no cable just for a few days, 2 or 3 even. This limits you to foods that are sustainable only for a few hours, and or food that can live on a counter, like wheat bread and bananas. Now you may be saying to yourself, "yah, I would just eat fast food, the perfect excuse for a McDonalds bender!"

ahhhh, you would be WRONG. so so wrong. This is where the NO CABLE comes in. When there is nothing to watch on TV, and NO REASON to plop onto your couch, you become so depressed that even McDonalds is no longer appealling, cuz really, where are you gonna eat it? inside the actual McDonalds???? GOD NO! You haven't been INSIDE one of those since they had the big plastic Ronald and Hamburglar figurines all around. No, instead you will become sooo frustrated with life, and all the limitations no cable and no fridge put upon you that you will just sigh, grab a stupid protein bar and throw in the towel.

Now you think this is all of it....BUT WAIT! as an ADDED bonus, forget to hook-up you electricity too! Without that, there are no night munchies, cuz you can't see anything, and your days of watching nick at nite with a bag of oreos in bed are OVER! Then with nothing to do and nothing to see and no cell phone or computer (they have all lost power too) you have no choice but to get a good night's sleep. AND THEN when dawn breaks, you are UP because you are SO excited that there is LIGHT!! And since no one else is up, and you can't cook any breakfast, or surf the net, or call anyone, you just go out for a walk, given all other opportnities are now exhausted.

AND you just keep walking, cuz really, there's nothing to come home to anyway, so may as well.

SO you see? THIS is the foolproof diet we have been needing, and it costs you nothing AND your electric bill is nothing!!!

and I am proof cuz my pants all fit now, I don't need to shop at Lane Giant and it has only been 3 days!!***

**results a-typical

***as an added enhancement to this diet, and for faster weight loss, move out of your 3 bedroom overly furnished house to an upstairs apartment.

[Arwen]

The Girl Who Ate Manhattan

Once upon a time I used to be skinny…okay slim… okay, okay, I was average at best. I used to not be fat. Then I met a handsome prince who asked me to be his wife. Actually we dated for about seven years and I managed to expand only marginally during that time. Then we got married and I kind of let myself go… just a little bit.

Fast-forward a few years and a few pounds and my hubby decides to take me to NYC to celebrate my big 3-0. We had a fantastic time, probably the best long weekend we’ve ever had and I have the pictures to prove it. Wait - correction – I had the pictures to prove it. You see, I took one look at those pictures and promptly destroyed them because for the first time I saw myself as not soft, or rumpy, or even plump… I saw myself the way I really looked and that was FAT. In four years, I had managed to pack 40 lbs onto my 5’3” frame.

Needless to say that was my moment of realization, my turning point. And the day we got back home, I marched myself to the nearest Weight Watchers meeting and haven’t looked back since.

Now this isn’t intended to be a plug for WW, because it’s not the right choice for everyone, but it was the best choice for me. I started the program the very next day and jumped head first into my new lifestyle… and OH MY GOD IT WAS HARD!!! So hard… First came Easter…hard. Then came summer…really hard. Thanksgiving, Hallowe’en, Christmas, birthdays…Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I added a regular fitness regiment…Torture.

But I kept at it, learning along the way to treat myself when I needed to, and how not to overdo it… and how to get back on track when I did (which was often). I celebrated every pound I lost, and cried over each one that came back and next thing I knew, I looked in the mirror and saw the real me again – by no means skinny, but certainly not overweight. I looked healthy and fit for the first time in my adult life.

Now the problem with maintaining a healthy lifestyle is you have to keep it up. You can’t just eat well and exercise for a few years and reap the benefits for years to come. You have to keep at it… and I don’t think it gets much easier, but I’m two years and counting…

My husband has joined me in this new lifestyle, because even handsome princes can get love handles, and we both look better than ever. But I’ll be honest; we often discuss giving up and “letting ourselves go”… Just not quite yet, because we look good, we feel good and, well, we’re waiting for our friends to let themselves go first!

[nina]

I started my own blog (dietingtothe10thpower.blogspot.com) about 1 1/2 months ago about dieting. It is not
ultra serious. I try to be somewhat comical about it. It is not the conventional type of dieting, but I have lost some pounds (some being the operative word). Below is from one of my blogs.

Today was decent, but I am way too hungry and so I am thinking I may not have eaten enough today, which is probably due to my overeating yesterday.

I went to the grocery store to buy just a "few" things. First off, that never, ever happens. I never buy just a few things. To me "few" means $10.00 or less, not $40.00 or more. I ate a bowl of cereal before leaving so I wouldn't buy extra food in the store just because I am hungry. That isn't a myth either, it is true. I have many many extra rolls on my body due to just that, buying everything in sight at the store because I am hungry (and it is never the healthy stuff).

I was doing good; I got some veggies, some goat cheese, which I love and it is healthy too. I got low-fat sour cream cheese and low-fat cheese slices. Yea for me!! I am doing good. Then I pass by the chicken. Yum, Yum fried chicken. Oh how good that skin would taste. That's the best part, the fried skin. My mouth is watering and my nose is my best friend right now. God, how badly I want that fried chicken, but I am good and so what do I do? I buy the rotisserie chicken. I still get a little skin (believe me not much) and the chicken is healthier too.

I get home and am dying for the chicken, but it is the middle of the afternoon and I know if I eat then I will eat later in the evening too and so I try to hold off as much as possible. It is 3:50pm and I cannot stand it anymore. I go out to the kitchen, tear off the label, break open the plastic covering, grab some paper towels and what the hell I get some honey too. Hey, honey is good for you and it's a good sugar too isn't it? I go sit down and dig in. It tastes so good. But then after about five minutes or so, I am getting full. Really, I am getting full. Weird. So, I sit it aside and clean up and think I don't want anymore of it. I think that maybe I'll make some chicken salad tomorrow. Thanks to my friend I have a yummy recipe for it.

I am feeling good about today. It's still hard. I am thinking about food A LOT! All I have to say is thank god for coffee. It cures my hunger. I am seriously thinking about hooking up an IV bag to the coffee pot.

[Jacky]

I gave birth to full-term, full-size twins. I’d put on 65 pounds, but was assured by our Lamaze teacher that breastfeeding for two would blast that off in no time. (No.) So there I was, five-six and small-framed, at 185 lbs., and it was enough just getting through the days, recuperating from a C-section while caring for two newborns. Finally managed to get my head above water enough to peel off close to 20 lbs., but 167 on my frame was still…fat. While browsing in a boutique one day and flipping through racks of oversized tops, a sales girl innocently asked me, “When are you due?” I laughed and replied, “Seven months ago, but I never got over it.” That was it: I refused to be that fat-ass pushing the stroller, the one they would say “used to have a cute figure before she had kids,” and I could not face the idea of reaching my babies’ first birthday fat. Luckily for me, a very prominent doctor who specialized in women’s weight loss and who’d written several popular books and done all the talk shows had a practice not far from me. I told her my tale, and that I couldn’t seem to push past this plateau I’d hit. She laughed and said, “Anyone can lose twenty pounds: I could publish a book tomorrow called the ‘How to Lose 20 Pounds Diet’ – but honey, you’re in the big leagues now.” She put me on powdered Optifast (which she said to mix in the blender with diet soda instead of water, and jazz up with various flavor extracts) plus one daily prison-meal, which consisted of lean protein, a vegetable, a salad, and a fresh fruit – no fats, no starches, no sugar, no alcohol. At my first week’s check-in, I’d lost seven pounds. The good doctor was surprised, but I was paying this woman, and driving 30 minutes each way to see her each week, so why screw around? I blasted off 35 pounds in less than three months, bringing me, by my children’s first birthday, well below where I started when I got pregnant. My kids are in college now, I'm even slimmer still (now I refuse to be a fat middle-aged woman), and I first learned the term MILF when my I found out my son’s friends applied it to me!

[Kayleen]

Okay, this is pretty embarrassing for me to even write to anyone, But I love your writing so an autographed book of yours is totally worth it. I live on a Reservation, And our town is Verrry small. Seriously, everyone knows everyone and everyone else's business. Anyway, our health team here started a "Biggest Loser" competition (Yes, its a rip off of the reality show )a few years back to motivate people to lose weight in our community and to decrease their risk of diabetes. I had NO intention to ever entering this contest. EVER. But my sister was entering this year and on our break from work one day she wanted to go to our clinic to sign up, So I went. When we got there, it was empty and nobody was signing up. As she was filling out her form she asked if I wanted to enter. I said “Nope, it’s a waste of $10 bucks” . You see, everyone pays ten dollars to enter, and the winner not only wins the satisfaction of kicking everyone else’s ass, but they win all the money. So my sister said she would even pay for me to enter, but I still wasn’t convinced. So all the health ladies that were in there started showing me all these info sheets about weight loss and dieting, and I’m thinking “Yah, this is gonna make me jump right in the competition”. And its usually all the older people that enter, so I felt kinda stupid (I’m only 22) So I was like, I will get all my measurements done and then decide if I want to or not. OMG, I was so shocked at my weight!! I seriously wanted to cry, So I signed right up. My attitude towards the whole thing was like “Psssshhhh….I don’t need that contest to lose weight”. Ha Ha…Boy was I Dead wrong. I completely underestimated my weight So now I go workout on my lunch break and am more disciplined with working out. The contest Just started and ends in May. But honestly, the biggest motivation is the money. My sister and I signed up the very last day of sign ups and they said 175 people have signed up. 175 people might not sound like a lot, but like I said….Small town. Anyway, That’s $1,750!!!!! For losing weight! Talk about win/win situation

[Kelly J]

I'll be brief... The day I quit eating crushed Oreos over Haegen-Dazs vanilla ice cream was preceeded by this horrifying conversation with my husband:

DH: Hey hon, where did I get these jeans? They make my package look big, dontcha think?

Me: I don't know, babe. Let me see. Hmmm, your package is lookin' large. But I never realized guys looked at that in the mirror. What brand are those, 'cuz I've never seen you wear them before?

DH comes over and to show me the label on the back

Me: Oh. My. God. Those are my jeans.

Fade out to me bursting into tears at the realization that my 6', 210# husband not only fits into my pants, but looks better than I do.

[Liz Pardue]

Skinny girls always keep one slightly chubby girl around for laughs and image-improvement. She’s never disgustingly obese, but always a good 20-30 lbs heavier than the rest of the stick-figure gaggle that naturally sets her apart. And that overly-humorous-pathetically-self-conscious-blimp-by-comparison was always me. Throughout high school and college, it didn’t matter that each of my friends weighed in at a healthy 110 lbs. (dripping wet and wearing wool) I was always preoccupied with my blatant sore-thumb presence. It’s painfully cliché when it comes right down to it.

Anyway, fast-forward to 10 years out of high school when I’m no longer a mere 20-30 lbs away from this image of ingénue-perfection. In the last ten years I have lost and gained over 200 lbs, I have owned wardrobes from size 6-16 and I. Am. Exhausted.

Exactly a year ago to this weekend, I was deep in the throes of yet another dietary experiment when God decided to hurl a monkey wrench into my plans; six weeks later, I learned I was pregnant and I threw up my hands with the realization that my body would forever be completely unsalvageable.

Despite my fear of this unexpected (but surprisingly very wanted!) pregnancy, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to waste another second worrying about my weight. At every monthly exam, I refused to hear my measurement as I bogged down the scale and I gave in to every craving my body declared. I’d eat all day sometimes, slowly enjoying frozen candy bars and fake sushi by the pound. The people at the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru would greet me by name and even started a pool to guess when the baby would arrive (no, seriously.) Additionally, I was living with a man who found me irresistible and, although my bodily transformations scared him from time-to-time, he was always begging me to let him photograph, sketch, or paint portraits of my ever-expanding body. It was the first time I’d ever been happy to be enormous.

Alright, my story is laden with sentimental drivel, but here’s the thing: I’m genuinely proud of my fat ass. This body brought a healthy 8lb. 13 oz. little girl into the world without any weird/horrific complications and has recovered seamlessly from a c-section. Somehow, I’ve shed all but 4 lbs. of pregnancy weight (losing 30 lbs in 2 weeks while scarfing Milanos by the bag in the hospital = Best. Feeling. Ever.) I’m still a size 16, but I can’t bring myself to berate myself too much anymore.

Meanwhile, the Bony Brigade I hung out with in high school is still more or less emaciated, being passed around by insecure douchenozzles as they do the twenty-something-drug-induced-self-seeking thing.

So… um… I totally win.

~ LP

[Joely]

I started my weight loss journey two years ago. Though, my story is unlike many others since I need to melt away 1,640 sticks of butter or 410 pounds. Now that you’ve picked your jaws up off the ground, I will tell you that I have shed 235 of those 410 pounds since starting, WITHOUT surgery. So yes, I’ve rid myself of a football player, but I still have the Olsen twins to get rid of.

I’ve been heavy on and off throughout my life, but it got worse and worse after I bought stock in McDonald’s – you know, trying to keep my wallet fat, but I really only made myself fat. Okay, that is completely a joke, but I do have an eating disorder (compulsive overeating), which I obviously let spiral out of control.

What was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back? No, I didn’t actually break a camels back (although I’m sure I would have, had one been walking by and I got the urge to jump on it), it was actually when I had broken yet another chair. Granted, the last chair was a few decades older than my grandparents, but still, that is every overweight person’s nightmare! No one wants to admit that even a chair can no longer support their weight. That and getting one of those flimsy plastic chairs stuck to your ass so badly that they need to call in the reinforcements to suction it off you.

The other event that catapulted me to my new lifestyle was trying out for The Biggest Loser, but finding out that I was TOO fat to get on the show. Now seriously there’s got to be a prize for that - when you are too fat to get on a weight loss show. If that wasn’t going to be my eye opener, nothing was and trust me, it was.

I started my journey the week after I found out I was rejected and I’ve never looked back (other than to check out my butt getting smaller in the mirror!). I’ve had to retrace some steps a few times (okay, more than I want to count!), but I’ve never given up. I think that is what is most important for all of us to remember, NEVER give up. We may fall off of the wagon and get run over a few times and kick and scream and break nails as we try to get back on the wagon (since really, there are only so many carrots one can eat, but one can never eat enough chocolate or drink enough margaritas, or so I like to think!). But, as long as we can pull ourselves back up and keep going, one day we will eventually get to that prized land of being at goal and being healthy.

There is nothing more that I want than to get these two annoying twins off my back, so I will not be giving up, however long it takes!

[Beatrice]

I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. I was the fat kid who got picked last for sports teams. I was the girl no one asked out, unless it was as a joke. I was the only coed who gained the freshman fifteen all four years of college.
Over the years I’ve tried almost every diet or food management program out there. All of them gave me the same result: food obsession. I couldn’t eat without counting points, weighing my food, reading labels or agonizing over how much fat was hiding in the food on my plate. After years of being miserable and hating food and myself for eating it, I made peace with my refrigerator.
At thirty I realized that I don’t have to be a size four to be beautiful.
Then I moved to Japan.
The Gap there carries XXS to L. Evil, much more evil than any movie monster that comes from the land of the rising sun.
For three years I was surrounded by tiny little doll like women; hundreds of itty-bitty women who could live in one of my bra cups and have room to entertain guests.
Suddenly I went from curvy and bold to the awkward fat chick who takes up too much room on the train. It was as if I had reverted to my formative years, but with subtitles.
My Japanese friends were fascinated and terrified of my weight. They assumed I would eat much more than them. I was forever explaining that my breast and butt were real and not implants. Shopping ended with handbags and makeup while my miniscule friends tried on designer outfit after outfit.
Now comes the best weight loss ever: I returned to the United States.
After stepping off the plane I realized that I was no longer Jumbo Freak Woman but among my peers and fellow bearers of cellulite.
The first thing I did was go to a mall and buy clothing, oodles and oodles of clothing, in my glorious size 16.

[Linda]

In addition:

Present: Realized that I lost some intelligence (most likely from too much binge drinking and not enough losing of fat surrounding brain. Using "word" such as "unrational".

[Linda]

Pre-1998: Always fat. As a child the Dr. would threaten to send me away to lose weight. Did that scare me? No. Scar me for life about doctors? Yes.

1998: Lost 80lbs. Got down to 180. I looked HOT.

2001: Massive panic attacks ensued. Lost 20lbs more from unrational fear of food and sleeping.

2001 - 2006: Prescribed Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. Gain 200lbs. Not 20. TWO HUNDRED.

2006: Have gastric bypass. Lose 80lbs. Plateau.

2007: Lose job and 20lbs. more. Hmmm..job loss, sleeplessness and heavy drinking helps weight loss? AWESOME.

2007 - 2008: Start own business. Work from home. Exercise now and then but mostly never. Stay on the computer alot cause its "off season" for my business. Still fat...

Gotta go take a nap now.

[Jill]

Jenn,
Let's be clear I am Canadian and therefore not eligible in most U.S. contests but I noticed you made no mention of that so thanks for including all of your fans. It was decided that I would try to lose weight the day my husband came home from work and wanted some left over Doritos from 2 days ago. Since they were not in there usual place he asked if I ate them. They were from two freakin days ago or course I ate them, two days ago. He then told me he is going to have to start hiding the "good stuff" so that it is around when he wants some. The scary part is that's what my mother does with my over weight father who has had 2 heart attacks. It was then I decided he should hide "the good stuff" if he wants it because I don't and if its in my sight I will eat it. I have since bought myself a treadmill and I run on it half an hour most nights. I have also bought an i-pod that helps to motivates me. I try to eat better but don't deprive myself because I know me and I will make up for that later. So far I don't look any different but my clothes do fit better and that's all I want anyways. Ps. You should have a skill testing question all contest do. Ask the winner what the title of the new book is. Only true fans will know!

[Shannon]

Seeing as I'm only 25, I think I've caught my weight issues fairly early in the game.
Growing up, I was always that skinny little bitch who could eat whatever she wanted without working out or worrying about calories.
Fast forward to my early twenties where I packed on the weight due to my boyfriend being a fantastic cook. I gained 45 lbs. in 2 years.
Terrific.
So from that point on, I've tried it all.
Atkins, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem etc., etc. and could only drop about 10 lbs. before I got bored and hungry.
Of course, I gained it all back and then some.
But just recently a local university announced they were doing a weight loss study, where they PAY YOU to lose as much weight as possible and help you keep it off.
I just had to join!
5 lbs lighter I realized the only way this big fat bitch will become the skinny little bitch again is if you pay me.
Motivation enough.

[Liz]

Well, being as that my wedding is in 6 months I'm in full wannabe anorexic mode... Well, not anorexic, but at least not having cravings every half hour or so. BUT, obviously this is not possible because I love cheetos as much as Britney Spears and cupcakes as much as Jen soooo obviously this whole diet thing? Not exactly working. I have now resorted to pulling my miniature poodle on walks with me at all times of day/night/morning and he is about ready to eat me in my sleep (that is, if he didn't weigh 7.5 pounds). I need to win this book because maybe, possibly, it will motivate me to not look like a fat cow in my wedding dress... and every girl knows how I feel!

[Laurie]

I have been "chubby" my entire life. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor when I was about 6 and asking for diet pills. My dad would often give me "the look", when I was eating. He basically made me feel like I was disgusting, and not worth much if I wasn't thin. My mom was (is) an enabler. She would send me to the store to buy chips and dip, but then hide them from my dad. If we heard him coming when we were eating, we would scramble to hide the evidence. I still do this with my husband. One time I was scarfing down a huge piece of banana bread slathered with butter and I head him coming into the room. I threw the banana bread under the TV, but it was too late, he saw me throwing it. I felt like a fool, and he thought I was crazy.

In my early teens my dad said he would give me $1000 and pay for driver training if I lost 25 pounds by the end of the summer. I lost about 15 pounds by starving myself. Needless to say, I didn't get the $1000, paid for driver training myself, and felt more disgusting than ever.

My mom would dry my tears when I was crying over some jibe from my dad about my weight, but would then tell me she was releived I was finally trying to lose some weight, because my face was starting to look like a full moon.

I finally had a huge blow-out with my dad. Basically I told him that he was not allowed to mention my weight anymore, if he wanted to have any kind of relationship with me. He has been great ever since.

I am married, with 2 small kids. Right this minute, I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I would have to lose at least 40 lbs to be able to shop in a normal store. My husband thinks I'm great either way, but I am afraid I will die of a heart attack before my kids get to high school.

In reading this, it sounds very sad, and I guess it is. I am actually very positive, and always trying to figure out why I over-east, why I love food so very much!! I don't blame my parents any more. I make my own decisions about food, and have grown up enough to know they were only tring to help, in their "special" way.

Every day is a battle with food, and my biggest wish is that I don't pass my fight onto my girls. So far, so good, I don't think they have any idea that their mom has big problems with food..

I haven't read any of your books yet. In fact, I just stumbled upon your site a few weeks ago. A signed copy of your latest would be a great place to start!

[mair]

The Best Way to Lose Weight

Long time live in boyfriend just before Valentines Day says he’s leaving in a week to go cross country to San Diego for a 6 month job contract. You are not invited to come along. Get really depressed, have Valentines Day dinner alone at your favorite Indian Restaurant. Get so stressed and get the flu that puts you to bed for three days. Co-Workers thing you have slit your wrists, when in fact all you wanted to do was sleep and drown your sorrows in a lot of alcohol. Get better, get up, get some spine, buy a ticket (on his credit card that he left for “emergencies”) to visit friends in London. Friends in London says looking good is the best revenge. Go back home and actually use gym membership, hire a personal trainer, take spinning classes and give up beer in favor of Gin and Diet Schweppes tonic.

After three months of actually working out on a regular basis, and being accountable to very cute personal trainer who loves to make your sweat, lose 35 pounds, get very toned, AND get a real life. Visit BF in San Diego, he is amazed at your “transformation” and you get hit on by all his new co-workers. Realize Long time BF is a LOSER. Go home, get a great hair cut and cute highlights, get new male friends, get a real life and dump boyfriend the week he comes back to your city thinking he can just take up where he left off by telling him you are just one pissed off woman AND he forgot your birthday as well.

Looking good is the best revenge and revenge the best way to lose the weight.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

I once lost 20 pounds in about two weeks because I had some awful cold/flu! The drainage made me gag to where I just felt nausous the whole time. I couldn't take in much more than a little Cream of Wheat or some hot tea.

I LONG to get sick like that again.

[ayntastic]

The story of my weight is the story of my life. Name a year, I'll tell you if I was fat or thin.
1973-as a skinny 9 year old, I move from a Cleveland suburb to a small college town. Over summer vacation I gain 30 pounds and my days as the fat girl have begun.
1982-as a senior in high school I decide college will be a fresh start. I devise a diet that allows 1 slice of American cheese a day, but only after I've walked to & from school (a mile each way) and done an aerobics class. I lose 40 pounds by graduation and gain hypoglycemia which I still have today. Over the summer I experiment with laxatives as I try to add food back into my life.
1984-boyfriend at last! He sticks around, even though the weight crept back on.
1989-I'm engaged and don't want to be the fat bride. I join Weight Watchers, lose 45 pounds and get married. I never show my face at Weight Watchers again and within 2 years I gain it all (and more)back.
1993-fat and pregnant. Even fatter after the baby.
1996-2004-lose and gain, lose and gain. My closet is like a women's specialty store with every size from 8-18.
Sept. 2004-fat and 40, lying on the sofa, feeling like shit. Tired of feeling like shit (mentally & physically) aand can't believe I'm 40 and don't know how to feed myself. As you said on your youtube video, it was time to "grow the hell up." By Christmas I'm back at Weight Watchers and at my goal weight.
March 2006-Spring is in the air and I decide to go running. I'll never know why. What kind of maniac starts running at 41? I can't run to the end of my street but I stick with it (VERY unlike me) and a funny thing happens--I lose some more weight. It turns out that I DO have a metabolism (sweet vengeance--gaining a metabolism as your peers lose theirs. Take that, bitches!). I feed myself well, but realistically and go to Weight Watchers meetings and the food craziness is gone. I never turn down an invitation because I'm embarrassed about being fat or because I'm on some crazy diet and can't eat with other people. The 25th high school reunion was pretty sweet too. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

[Michele]

Once my sister and I were doing the whacked 7 Days Diet. You know the one. You get a copy of it from your mother, who got it from some lady at Safeway, and it looks like it was Xeroxed 88 times and was originally typed on a manual typewriter?
The first day you eat "Fruits and Veggies Only", the next "Fruit Only", then for kicks they throw in the "Milk and Bananas Only day", to be followed by the "Beef and Tomatoes only" day, and so on.
At some point during the "Milk and Bananas day", we were sitting in a 7-11 parking lot, swigging milk from a quart bottle, and peeling our 3rd banana, reflecting on what BS it was. We made up our own diet, with days including "Sauerkraut and Ice Cream only" day and "Bologna, Pineapple and Pork Rinds only" day. I typed it up, made some copies and left them in the changing room at the Y.
Since I have not gotten an 88-times xeroxed copy of the Sauerkraut and Ice Cream diet from the lady at Safeway, I am thinking it was yet another dieting bust.

[Stephanie]

After hearing about a new diet approach on the morning radio show today (which involved giving "x" amount of money to a friend unless you lose 1 lb a week), my hubby presented me with a new challenge along the same lines.

He turned to me out of nowhere and said:

LOSE 10 LBS IN 10 WEEKS AND GET A COACH

Hell yeah! If there is one way to motivate me, it's by pretty new things! Brilliant idea! And right in time for spring with the new line! There are of course terms, which I now have in writing but I won't go into detail. I've had Ariana & Danielle look over them for legitimacy issues and fairness, etc. Oh, and I had a few extra clauses thrown in that were “hidden” just as to make sure I could get any purse I chose (I don’t do well with limits). As far as I'm concerned, as of March 26, 2008 - that purse is mine!

So here's the catch, I need a new program because let's face it, 10 lbs may not just "melt away". So here's where calorie counting and running come into play. I've never counted calories in my life (though obviously I should have been). So this is be a bit new to me. Ariana is now deemed my Personal Trainer and has a regimen for me. And Danielle has taken it upon herself to be my Personal Nutritionist (she's already taken over my breakfast habits, as I now had to throw out the breakfast I brought this morning).

Fast-forward 9 weeks.

Now we're one week until my deadline and I've been exercising 4 times a week at a local gym for weeks. Did I mention I hate to exercise to begin with? I hate to exercise. I don’t like being sweaty and smelly. I like to smell like pretty things – perfume and flowers for me please!

I am totally working my butt off here. Only to have gained weight! What?! Yes, I actually managed to gain weight.

My total loss to date = 1 lb.

Goodbye my sweet, white, summer Coach fantasy…

[iamlandlocked]

"I've got dogs to walk," he said with obvious impatience. Translation: "I'm doing everything I can to avoid spending the night with you."

She stepped away the car and slammed the door, the taste of the pan seared scallops and Sauvignon blanc still fresh on her tongue. By the time the key turned in the lock, his headlights were disappearing down the block. In the hall, two dogs greeted her, dogs who didn't know a size six from a fourteen, for whom the scale had no meaning. Didn't they know how worthless she was? How grotesque?

It had always felt like this, but now when she complained about her weight, there was silence where there once were protests. No one to admonish her for being so self-deprecating about her dancer's body. She hardly brought it up any more, certainly not with him, since it only seemed to precipitate a discussion centered around "Why don't you just sign up for Pilates?" and "Shouldn't you be eating yogurt for lunch?"

Her arms felt heavy and her chest ached as she lay on the sofa, the Bach washing over her. When did the music stop being enough? When did she start letting herself eat food?

The things she did to avoid this, traveling mere steps from anorexia all those years. Abstaining from parties. Bringing her own food everywhere. Diet everything. Walking extra blocks instead of taking the subway. A mind numbing and grueling discipline bordering on the ascetic.

She remembered a day when she would have contemplated chewing fiberglass to make it too painful to eat. In the long run, it was easier than bulimia. Now just the remembering seemed exhausting, like trying to start a car with a dead battery.

Perhaps that was it: maybe discipline came in limited quantities, and when it ran out, it was simply gone. Done. Or maybe it couldn't show itself in the face of other things, like loss or grief.

That was probably closer to the truth. A tortuous path that was too raw to retrace, even if she had the strength. She tried to grasp this last question before yielding to sleep: how do you start again when you don't even really know how you got here?