Sunday Mourning

So...

Yes.

Apparently I sent some email last night.  Before I show you what actually went out, here's the message I was trying to communicate:

Hi, Angie,

What's happening?  Hope all is well with you!  I feel like I haven't talked to you forever because I've been so freaking busy.  And not good-busy with a lot fun chores - rather I've been caught up doing 10,000 things I don't particularly like.  Blah.

The good news is I was finally able to cut loose this evening.  My gym hosted a party at the Fulton Lounge and Fletch and I went.  BTW, did I ever mention this place before?  It's a way-too-hip-for-me bar in the West Loop with a lot of low benches, flattering lighting, supermodel cocktail servers, and the most amazing girly-foo-foo seasonal martini menu featuring flavors like pumpkin spice, Key lime, holly berry, etc.  So good!  So, so good!   

I hadn't been there for a while because I had, um, kind of gotten kicked out last time I was there.  Let me just say this - if you own a bar and choose to decorate the area by the fireplace with a bunch of encyclopedias from the '80s and you serve me fifteen banana cream pie martinis, well, then don't be surprised when it suddenly strikes me as a fine idea to tear out all the pictures of Ronald Reagan and stuff them in my purse. 

(Fletch said I also stole a bottle of cleaning supplies from there that time, but that is untrue.  I bribed the restroom attendant $10 to let me take it.  I mean, come on, in huge type the can promised that one squirt would stop the spread of HIV!  How often do you actually encouter A REAL-LIFE CAN OF COOTIE SPRAY?  I had to have it!)  (Also, there may have been an additional conflagration later that night with the cootie spray and the cab driver but the details are - rim shot! - foggy.)

So, last night passed without incident, except for when I tried to lure away the bar's pit bull/English bulldog mix mascot.  (The dog wasn't interested and the bouncer was kind of a jerk about it, if you want to know the truth.)  But we were totally leaving anyway so it was fine.

I came home, played with my own enthusiastic dogs, had one Lean Cuisine (fine, I ate three and burned my mouth, shut up) and then went to bed with a small stomach ache. But all in all, it was a great night.

Talk soon,

Jen

So, yeah.  That's what I meant to say.  But here's how the above comes out after a supermodel over-served me a flight of candy-coated, ice-creamy martinis:

OTT!  OPTTT!   OTYT
2@@!  TEN  M ATIKNIE!  TEN OF DELICIOUS NEEWSSS!  TEN MASTININEs111 SON GOOOND!@   MASBNY NAHYY ,MANY ,ANY ,AMY ,AMNHJY MANY MANY MATNIENS SOO COOO SCOO SOOO VERYYY COOOD!  VERYT GOODS!  DELICIOUS !  ,MYSATR MAKE THROW UPS NOW!  SPOPPP GOPOPDS!11   NOICE   DELCIOU7S!  NOW  NO 3 SOOO GOOD DELKUIOSUOD!!

HI9 FOR LATER!

;PVER ;;;V ;LOOVE.
KEM

KEM
NEM
HEH

JEN
LIKE A FRESAYH PUIE   ZSIOIOOPOOOO GOOOD SOOO GOOD PUIE!  [PIOR!  POOIE!11 PIE!! PIOR
EEE  PIE
111   ;ER,ON CREONAN PI3111  PIE
!!!~   WHBY DOB;T YOU UNDERQASTAND TGA T IATE A PIE THAT TASTED LIETE MATINIE?

pIER !

PIER

PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE TO SPIT NOW/
PIE
1  PIE!  PIE!!1 PIE!!! OMG PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Hey, at least I didn't make a bunch of phone calls.  (Or, wait, did I?)

What sucks is now I'm going to have to work a trip to Betty Ford into my busy schedule. 

Blah.

Comments

[Lyn]

Hi Jen,

LMAO at your story here! :-D

I am currently reading your "Bright Lights" book and your Rachael Ray chapter had me laughing so much I had tears rolling down my eyes. I am happy to find this site, so I can keep up with you! Keep the laughs coming!

[Kate]

I also demand you not go to Betty Ford. I too would totally miss your unintentional plagerism (sorry, I suck at the whole spelling thing) of my life. FYI, I was so glad to read/hear that I'm not the only one to go on Ambien induced late night online shopping binges. See you at the B&N on Webster in May!!!

[pheebee]

Oh...so this wasn't a post about Brett Favre. Nuts. Anyhoo, next time you consider Betty Ford, remember my sorority motto:

AA is for quitters. :}

[Stephanie]

This is why I'm not allowed to drink lemon drops anymore. Last time I went to ladies' night I almost took out the side of the garage.

[jodi]

once, after several...ok...a lot of...vodka and cranberrys...I text'd my mother that I wanted to do dirty things with her...uhm...my mother, not my husband...turns out MOM comes right after HUSBAND in my phone...and...well...the deets are sketchy...but the night did end up with me giving a lap dance to my sons pee-wee football coach...so he could be captain...shut up. You know if it would work, you'd be trying the same thing...And...it worked...

[Lisa Ann]

I actually started my blogging life as a result of Two-Buck chuck and my computer. Yep, NOTHING you do is a good decision at 3 am after getting Buck-Chucked all night. :-)

[Rachel]

I had a night like this at my boyfriends company Christmas party this past year. We went to the new happening restaurant in downtown Baltimore and 5 martini's they called jorjito's (pronouneced WHORE-hitos) later, I was calling people I haven't talked to in years trying to catch up with them. At least this is what my boyfriend said I did the next morning.

[Kiersten]

Hey, at least you didn't drunkely order a $95 dildo online, not remember ordering it, and then freak out two weeks later when it arrives on your doorstep. Only to realize that the credit card used to buy it was your own.
Haha...good memories :)

[Sleepynita]

Whoo

That is worse then drinking and dialing, because now there is PROOF!

[Magen]

Last time I overindulged in the lovely booze it involved a drunken apartment tour where I called the dining room the living room and then cursed out my guest for correcting me. That hangover lasted for days.

[Badger]

And here I was thinking that the Angie I know speaks fluent drunk, so everything would be okay. But it turns out she needed a TRANSLATOR? I think going legit has scrambled her brains.

[Jacqueline]

I am so glad you posted this today!! I am still feeling the effects of Saturday night..a dear friend threw this elegant dinner party and I drank my body weight and its not even the hangover so much as the REMORSE. Oh dear god!!! I'm sure I was the biggest drunken jackass of all time. I am DYING! My husband keeps reassuring me that I was "fine", but he has this funny smirk on his face when he says it.

[Shanna]

To quote (okay, paraphrase) my favorite memoir instructor, "It's all grist for the mill." Looking forward to "Rehab Is The New Bitter" and "Such A Pretty Drunk." Or possibly "Bright Lights, Big Lush."

[Poppy]

I kind of saw this entry coming.

Just remember: friends do not let friends drink and Twitter.

[Steph]

I swear someone should invent a breathalyzer for my computer... it would save me from A LOT of drunk myspacing...

[Joy @ Big Time Fancy]

If I had a dollar for every drunken text or email that I sent out over the past 6 years, I'd have about a hundred thousand dollars.

[Nanc']

"...in huge type the can promised that one squirt would stop the spread of HIV! How often do you actually encouter A REAL-LIFE CAN OF COOTIE SPRAY?"

Ok, as a certified germaphobe, I GOTTA KNOW WHAT IT IS! WHAT IS IT???

Also, there should be some type of sobriety test on the 'phone and e-mail accounts. We've all done it.

[LJ]

Bahaha um yeah, I'll have what **SHE'S** been drinking, please... love it. Man, those drinks sneak up on you, don't they??

[Liz]

Your trainer and the other gym people didnt give you a hard time when you were downing all those calorie laden cocktails? I would have felt self conscious, and nursed one gin and tonic. Way to show them who's boss! If I was there, I would have ripped out all the pics of Ronald Reagan too, but I think you and I would have different endgames in mind.
You-mural, with lots of stickers and hearts.
Me-bonfire.

[OHmommy]

Nice. I am the QUEEN of drunken emails. I have learned to shut the damm computer off after my 2nd glass of wine. LOL.

That was a seriously funny post! nice!!!

[Carey]

There is photographic proof of me straw-sipping a spilled chocolate martini off a table at the Grand Central.

Oh yeah, and it is also dripping down my chin in the picture. Classy.

[Patti_Mayo]

That kind of looks like my drunk text messaging when I'm out at the bar drinking with friends....I feel the need to let everyone in my cell phone know....

[Michele]

Remember when we were younger and there was no incrimiating e-mail??? You could just embarass yourself with your voice only. Ahh, the good old days!

[Katherine]

OMG LOL for a very long time. I've done that on text messages before. That is hysterical! Thanks for the post workout laugh. 6am time change workout is a bitch.

[Ginny]

I believe in your video you said you need go "grow the hell up"??? NEVER do that, Jen. You are too damned funny just the way you are!!!

[Wicked]

Dear Jen Lancaster,

I love you. If you ever come to Boston, my best friend and I are totally not allowing you to pay for your own drinks.

[Wendy]

Ahhh, but at least you didn't have to fork out $150 the next day to have your new car detailed... I totally blamed it on "a friend", but after looking at my jaundiced complexion and bloodshot eyes I don't think the guy believed me for one minute. (Sprigs of eucalyptus scattered around the car do help to eradicate the stale G&T-Pinot Grigio-Thai food smell, by the way.) Haven't been able to drink gin since.

[Michelle]

Oh ma gaw. "MYSATR MAKE THROW UPS NOW!" I'm trying not to laugh too loud...hubby and shorties are in bed :o)

HI9 FOR LATER!
Michelle

[Izabis717]

By The way soda coming out your nose, does NOT feel like bliss but it was worth it to read this. Dont feel bad about the crazy email I am the queen of retarded text messages, my favorite was:

i drinkeded two mch loste key kanow iz peepn in da bobby of partnt.

(I drank too much, lost my key, and now i am sleeping in the lobby to my apartment)

[Mamikaze]

that brought tears, I was laughing so hard!
A few nights ago, my husband and I played we after sharing 2 bottles of wine. Good times.

[Susie Sunshine]

I ran the email through the martini version Jennslator.
The keys words I was looking for were "puking" and "cab".

[Sils]

Are you doing San Antonio for your book signing? I can't remember.

I'm here on business right now.

Go to Swig. Have the wedding cake martini. SO GOOD.

[CanadainGirl!]

I am known for drunken emails, facebook notes and msn messages!! lol

Oh and the random call to my sister in law at Univ asking what bars are cheap that serve people already a few in :0)Her roomies love me!! At least in my mind they do...

[trish]

Could have been worse...I spent one VERY drunk evening (or was it morning) calling friend's answering machines, my parent's answering machine, and puking all over my dorm room...I don't know what was more torture, cleaning up my own stale vomit, or dealing with my mother when she heard the message I left them! Let's keep this between us, shall we?

[Trish Weidig]

Heh. Heh. Heh. Why is it that the yummy drinks always turn on you later? Snarky little things....

--T

[Lys]

Ahhhh... so tipsy emailing is the new black then! Phew - better than drunk texts or drunk cell phone calls ;)

[giselle]

That was sooo funny! Love it.

[gillian]

Please don't go to Betty Ford. I love your drunken shenanigan stories most of all! C'mon. Drink up. Do it for me. :)

g

[Wendy]

Hahahahaha!! I was having a bit of a rough day and I really needed that. Don't feel to bad. We've all been there and done that :)

[Mimi]

AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Too good! I myself have had too many yummy cocktails in my time....

21st birthday after 12 Tom Collins (it was a cool drink at the time...)
"Can I haz anover...um...Bob Johnson?"

29th birthday (in Bermuda) after drinking far too many Dark and Stormys (they are the national drink after all)
"I need ooo more Drunk and Sloppy!"

Fond memories...

[Dani]

I'm sitting at work, looking at a canister of SaniGuard dry sanitizing surface spray, which not only is effective against the HIV germs, but also against herpes, staphylococcus and E-coli, to name just a few. Might this be the cleaning product you borrowed from the Fulton Lounge?

[cayce]

I came home from Fulton Lounge last weekend feeling exactly the same way! The holly berry is to die for, although I'm not always a fan of walking down stairs to the restroom after a few too many martinis.

[Jennifer McKenzie]

LMAO!!! I, too, drank a bit much last night at my best friend's birthday bash. I'm afraid I may have harassed the band, possibly flirted with her twenty-five year old son and danced with two other women to "Hard Working Man".

I kind of remember it.

I had too much trouble getting my cowboy boots off to email anyone.

[Tiana]

Your timing is impeccable. I had a run in last night with shots of whiskey, and really, the only thing I know is that SOMEHOW I hurt my ankle and made some young men very angry. SOMEHOW.