The Jen Point Quiz, Weekend Edition

It's late in the evening and you're just about to head upstairs, take a bath, and read a bit before bed when you hear noise in the front yard. Upon drawing the curtains, you come face-to-face with a hipster who's using your lawn/the corner of your house as a urinal.

What do you do next?

A) You smile and shake your head. Ah, the capriciousness of youth!

B) You frown and shake your head. You don't like it, but you understand this kind thing happens sometimes when you live in an urban environment.

C) You call the police, knowing full well if they even bother to respond to your call, the hipster-pisser will be halfway through his can of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the neighborhood watering hole before they ever arrive.

D) You throw open the front door and scream profanities at the hipster, causing the stream of urine to soak his skinny jeans. And as he egresses at a brisk pace, you shout, "Doesn't matter if you run, motherfucker, because I know where you're going!"

E) You spend the rest of the evening standing by your open front door, shaking your garden shovel at everyone who's unfortunate enough to park on your street.

F) Answers D and E.

Scoring:

Award yourself zero points for Answers A-C, five points for Answers D-E, and ten points for Answer F.

(And give yourself one extra point if your shovel is rusty.)

Comments

[Patti_Mayo]

Do we get points if it's a metal baseball bat??

[Susan]

I had a mattress delivered last Monday. The delivery man had his son with him. Oh cute, I thought. Until I opened the door and the little guy was peeing on my driveway. The dad looks at me and asks if I mind if he pees there. Ummm, yeah, kinda. It's my DRIVEWAY. I told him he could use the bathroom but he said "no, it's a guy thing." Fantastic.

[Kitty]

You missed G: Run to the kitchen and get a jug of icy cold water to throw while implementing D and following up with E :)

P.S. As I got the the botox post party too late to comment, damn you're cute :)

[Geri]

I love you Jen. You batshit crazy Sicilian woman. I would do that, but also MAYBE run out with a can opener. Or some bannanas to throw at him, or something.

[Gatorlovergirl]

Definately F.

Heres one for you...the dog and me out for an evening walk...late evening.We live on a fairly dark main-passage-through-town-street where streetlights are few and far between. What do we stumble upon a man/boy pissing in the bushes...WTF? He says "oops" as we approach and the dog growls. I respond with, "Oops, really oops is the best you can come up with as your standing here pissing under the f***ing streetlight? Maybe you should rethink this plan." The dog lunged as he walked away.

Whats with the-wind-on-my-willie mentality?

[Peggi]

*sigh* must remember to edit my posts - that would be "F WORD", not "F work"

maybe I am a crazy bitch! Mwaaahaaa....

[Peggi]

Yeaahhhh....mark me down for F. I live right behind a middle school, where the little shitheads go to smoke. More than once, I've earned my reputation as "that crazy bitch who screams the F work at 13 year olds". Hey, their parents should thank me :D

[Jennifer McKenzie]

D, but not E. That seems a waste of my time and I'm not letting a pissing hipster get any more of my life.
LOL.

[Fe]

This has been bothering me for a while - the fact that there are many men out there who find it perfectly fine to pee wherever. On more than one occasion, I have seen some dude cross between trains on the subway and pee onto the tracks. I've witnessed this stunt with the train stopped at the station, and also while we were in motion. Now, not only is it gross and rude beyond belief, there is a little thing known as the third rail, which carries a shitload of electricity. Last thing I want is to get stuck in the subway tunnels because some barbecued drunky who couldn't hold his piss long enough and had to onto the elctrified third rail. I honestly don't get it. Must be a penis thing.

[Christine]

Bozeman, MT- drunken carnie peeing in my carport- Yay! The fair is in town again!

[kim]

Gross. My friend lived in a shady part of Milwaukee, and everytime we came home from the bars she would have one of five different homeless individuals either peeing or passed out in their own vomit on her stoop. I only have urine stories by association, fortunately I don't have any of my own to contribute.

[Kari]

Oh how I wish I was there to scare the kid so much he got pee on himself. What an asshat!

[Ginny]

I've been reading Jennsylvania for too long not to KNOW the answer would be "F". I love Kimberly's idea. Someone design that sign and we can have a contest to win one of those, too!!

Now, I assume Jen was the resident described in "F" above but ... what was Fletch's reaction to the peeing and fleeing perpetrator??

[KarenMc in Dallas]

Reminds me of the night that I went out on our balcony (we live on the 20th floor in a highrise), and the guy in the Condo below us was standing there butt-naked, holding a beer and smoking a cigarette. YIKES! What's a girl to do? We just looked at each other and smiled.....

[Caryn]

Hilarious! I admit, I would probably choose B. I would figure he was drunk, and I've known a few mean drunks so I wouldn't want to risk him doing something to my house. But then, I don't live in an urban environment, so I'd probably be too surprised that anyone was doing this in my neighborhood to do anything at all.

[tutugirl1345]

Totally a 10. The sad thing is, this happens to me and my roommate on a weekly basis. Oh, and the windows they pee on are right next to our heads when we're in bed.

[Mimi]

LOL!! Love it! Although I do have to say it reminded me of the time that my 34 year old sister peed on her own car in my driveway in my suburban neighborhood. Let's just say, I'm glad we moved!

[Reluctant Housewife]

Can someone please design the sign that Mary suggests (in above comment) because I think I need one... But, then again, I don't have a lawn, so I guess I'll have to get one of those to put it on. On the other hand, no lawn = no one peeing on my lawn.
Now tell me how to deal with the tapper who lives upstairs (taps for HOURS on end) and the neighbors who love guitar hero a bit too much (guitar hero... loudly for hours... it's less fun through a wall). kthxbai

[Dana]

Wow, that was by far the funniest thing I have ever heard. I will have to remember that the next time the drunks next door have a party.

[Kimberly]

Maybe a shovel and a camera. Yard sign for weekends that reads "I am a Goddess of the internet and this is my lawn. If you choose to whip it out, be ready to see it (and people laughing at it) online."

[Mary]

oy vey...what is this world coming to? My mom and dad live in NC up in the smokey mountains and as my poor mother is puling into their driveway one day she sees the UPS van and then sees the FEMALE UPS driver peeing on (and yes I mean ON) her driveway!!!! She said they just kind of looked at each other for a few seconds and then my mom decided to pull into the garage like nothing was happening...the woman made a thief-like getaway as mom shut the garage door....she said she didn't call to complain about the woman because she didn't want to get her fired and she DID get her packages on time but she couldn't understand that with all the bushes around why the UPS woman chose the driveway as her outdoor toilet!!!

[Ash]

Personally, I would consider somebody pissing on my house completely worth it, if I scared them into pissing ON themselves.

Now I have a goal. Yay me.

[Lisa Ann]

I'm a 10!!!
Finally :-)