Wednesdays with Stacey

Setting:  Stacey's house, last night during our weekly Top Chef/Project Runway/Whatever Bravo Tells Us to Watch get-together.  I'm panicking about the idea of spending three weeks on book tour and she's trying to help me find practical solutions so I don't get so wigged out. 

Stacey:  What about luggage?  Do you have good luggage?

Me:  Not really.

Stacey:  Get a TravelPro bag.  I've got the Platinum series and it was worth every dime.

Me:  Yeah, but...

Stacey:  Too expensive?

Me:  No, it's just that I saw these really cute bags in a catalog and they're flowered and striped and all the colors in them would match my polo shirts.

Stacey: (blinks and stares)

Me:  Wait, real road warriors don't worry about matching their shirts to their bags, do they?

Stacey:  Um, no.  But what catalog was it?

Me:  I'm sort of embarrassed to tell you.  When I got it I didn't look at the cover.  As I was thumbing through it and I looked at the furniture and linens and stuff, I was all, 'This stuff is SO the real me!'   

(pause) 

Turns out it was a Pottery Barn TEEN catalog. 

(pause) 

Meaning I have the design aesthetic of a twelve year old girl.

Stacey:  (nodding) From the suburbs.

(conversation continues, I obsess more)

Stacey:  ... and I try not to sleep on the plane because that will wreak havoc later when I try to go to bed in the hotel.

Me:  Oh, no.  I can never sleep.  I have to be awake and using my mind-power to keep the plane in the air.

Stacey:  (pause)  Oh.  Yes.  Of course.  Another good idea is to not drink on the plane because you're already going to be dehydrated and flying will just make it worse and that will mess with your sleeping, too.

Me:  No, no, I have to drink or I get too nervous.

Stacey:  I see.  And the drinking doesn't interfere with your, um, mind-power?

Me:  Nope.  I steer the plane better drunk.

(conversation continues, I obsess more)

Stacey:  What are you going to be wearing to your events?

Me:  Hopefully it will be warm and I can wear my standard summer uniform of black or khaki shorts and a pastel polo shirt.  But what do I do if it's cold?

Stacey:  Maybe you could bring a little trench?

Me:  But if I wore a trench over shorts, I'd look like a flasher.

Stacey:  Bring some Capri's to wear.

Me:  But I want to wear my shorts so everyone can see that I have nice calf muscles.

Stacey:  (sigh)  Um, fine, then why don't you pack a cute jean jacket?

Me:  OK... but I'd have to go back to 1985 to get it.  Bah! BAH HA HA HA HA!

Stacey:  (tight lipped)  Right.  Then how about-

Me:  BAH HA HA HA!  1985!  HA!

Stacey:  Maybe you could-

Me:  HA!  JEAN JACKET!  GET IT?  NO ONE'S WORN ONE SINCE 1985!  GET IT?  HA HA HA!!

Stacey:  (gives my brilliant humor a small nod and then tries to continue, unsuccessfully)  So-

Me:  HA!  HAA!!  1985!  I'D BETTER PACK MY TRAVELPRO TIME MACHINE!  HA!!

(finally composing myself five minutes later) 

Me:  Oh, wait.  This is why no one ever wants to help me with anything, isn't it?

 

 

Comments

[Texie]

Pottery Barn Teen? Thank god. For a minute there I was so scared you were going to say Fingerhut.

[vy]

I'll be seeing you in Atlanta, and I dunno about a jean jacket in May, you'll probably need a towel... unless you don't mind sweat pooling in the small of your back. I adore it May through October!

[Suzy]

No one wears jean jackets? On what planet resideth thou? Come west my friend, we all wear them. One of mine has pearls all over the back in this astro cool design. It's LA, everything goes.

[Katy]

I think I've had almost this EXACT convo...with my hubby playing the part of Stacey. I spit out my macchiato reading the jean jacket part.

[Painting]

http://www.sammoon.com/web3/product.asp?img=luggagemain&cat=luggage

[Candy]

I am totally with you on staying alert and using your mind-powers (aided by the all-important Bloody Mary) to keep the plane in the air. Don't take your eyes off of it for a moment!

1985. heh. That was funny.

[AmyB]

Whew! I'm glad I read above comments. I too, am wearing a jean jacket RIGHT NOW! Over my pajamas. It's perfect for early spring daytime wear (after getting dressed) as well, when it's too cool for just short sleeves, but too warm for your regular outerwear, leather coats, etc. It can easily be removed as the day warms up. Go get you one - you will thank us later.

[Tami]

I second Manic Mommy - Xanax is the only way to fly. Doc gives me 10 or 20 at a time (2 - 4 per trip depending on distance). When I call for refills they ask me where I'm off to now! (Sometimes I tell them I'm going on a trip if I just want to have a really nice day...) Thanks for the laughs, Jen.

[Jessica]

OMG Jen, I was at Nordstrom Rack last week and they had BETSY JOHNSON luggage! I had to remind myself that if I brought home black and white striped luggage with cherries all over it, the husband would cry.

Seattle is a crapshoot in May. While it snowed yesterday, I've been living in jeans and a sweatshirt for the past three weeks. In May you're probably safe with khakis, shoes you don't mind getting unexpectedly wet, and a short-sleeved shirt with a jacket and umbrella standing by (umbrellas are generally only acceptable if you're from out of town around here).

[Christina]

Hey to just follow with the Vera Bradley comment, love love love their stuff. And they know have rolling suitcases that can be checked or carried on!

http://www.verabradley.com/Site/Store/ViewCategory.aspx?dept=302

[Manic Mommy]

I totally giggled ALL three times when you mentioned the '85 jean jacket. I got it! (Literally AND figuratively!)

And screw the drinking on the plane... want me to send over a couple .5 xanax? They won't dehydrate you either!

[Antof9]

Why oh WHY aren't you coming to DENVER?!

... and Stacey has the patience of a saint :)

[Maryann]

I cannot wait to meet you in Dallas. Word to the wise, I grew up in Northern NJ in one of the ten preppy capitals of the US (don't ask me the others, I just picked that number because it sounded good). Truth be told, Dallas isn't a preppy-haven - which surprised me. They are very au courant though. (Am I using that right). Let me just say that your Prada purse would be right at home here. :

I didn't get the memo that jean jackets were back "in" but I can't get past the acide washed one in my past...so I might have to skip this fad.

Also, I totally second the Vera Bradley option - they have VERY cute luggage, but it's usually soft and thus, not very checkable (No, it's not a word but you knew what I meant). I will say, if you have a chance while in Dallas (although they might have this store in other locales), Steinmart has the BEST luggage - brown with pink polka dots, etc. Also, there is a luggage store right next to the B&N that you are signing at that used to have this awesome set of hot pink luggage. So, my proposal, pack as you can but plan to buy new luggae in Dallas and fill it with stuff. :)

I can help.

You need to be introduced to the God that is Sam Moon.

[Bridgette]

Any update on the Minneapolis date?

[Kristy]

You crack me up. Too bad Casper, Wyoming isn't on your book tour schedule. :p I'd so love to meet you and get my books signed.

[Marta]

I love your conversations! Thanks for making me smile on such a dreary day! Are you coming to Ontario (Canada)?

[Stephanie]

Good lord, woman. Why aren't you coming to BOSTON!?

[sally]

I don't drink on the planes because I have the bladder the size of a pea and it means I'll have to use those airplane bathrooms. I'd rather have my left breast cut off. There is also hartmann's for luggage.

[Sally]

I've been reading your blog for a while now and I think this might be the first time I've felt offended. I have a jean jacket and love it! It's not acid washed and doesn't have NKOTB buttons all over it so I don't think I look like I did when I wore a jean jacket back in the day. But it's super cute with khakis or a little black skirt. Just as long as you don't wear it Canadian tuxedo style (with jeans) you're all good.

[Brandy]

I had that exact same jean jacket conversation with a friend of mine last week while flipping through a recent fashion magazine.

[Tammy]

Oh my! I think I know exactly which bags you're referring to...I liked the blue and green....although the pink and orange was cute too. I shouldn't be admitting this but, damn it, they were cute!

[Amy Brewer]

A well made denim jacket NEVER goes out of style! Well, so long as it doesn't have rhinestones, zippers, is cropped above the waist, has 3/4 sleeves, or some kind of logo on the back...and May in NYC is PERFECT Denim Jacket with Khaki's Weather! Yay!

[Malia]

Jen! I just had to share with you a picture of my GORGEOUS new work jacket! I have a casual office (most people just work in their jeans), so in the summer I'm planning on pairing it with a pair of pink linen Bermuda shorts (too cute), a pink-and-green striped tunic top (from Target, yay!) and Target's finest black Mary Jane pumps! All topped off with a pink pink headband and Noni's pearls, of course.

http://www.bluefly.com/pages/products/detail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=2070840505&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=10193595&N=10193593&Ns=Popularity%7c0%7c%7cProduct%2bCode%7c1Ν=Product+ID

[sizzle]

I.Can't.Stop.Laughing.

:)

[Gina]

Hey! I use my mind power to fly planes too!
However, after having kids, I can't concentrate so much anymore, so I simply choose not to fly until I'm mentally stronger - which might not happen until the kids are OUT THE DOOR!

[JET]

what about the vera bradley luggage? very cute.
twinset and shorts is still cute right? it is only about that chilly outside of cincinnati in the spring. you never know here. i saw college aged girls in flip flops yesterday. cute, but not march appropriate if you ask me-which no one does by the way :)

[Ginny]

Yay Susan, who obviously has GREAT taste! Harold's is my absolute FAVORITE store!!

Just a couple of weeks ago on "What Not To Wear", one of the cute and chic new outfits included a stylish and very flattering denim coat -- fitted and about mid-thigh length. Probably would be too long to look good with your shorts, but I wish I knew where to get one for myself!

And the Pottery Barn Teen catalog has really cute stuff. I love all the bright, fun colors! Why is it, when we're no longer in our teens and 20's, we're supposed to automatically stop loving bright colors???

The DJ's on a morning radio show a few days ago had a call-in contest to see if anyone could guess (because one of them had read it in a magazine) "what should NO woman over 30 be carrying?". Everyone kept guessing "a backpack", which is true but not the right answer. Know what it was??? A colored cell phone! So, once you pass 30, apparently you are supposed to only like things in nice tans, black, and gunmetal grey. NOT ME! I might be 40+, but I'm not giving up my colors without a fight!

Finally, before you make the southern swing on your book tour, get in touch with your inner Belle by checking out Celia Rivenbark's books "Bless Your Heart, Tramp" and "Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank". She is about as southern as they come and very funny!

[CigLess]

Hey Jen,
Will you be doing a reading or a signing or both, at the Phila stop in particular?

[Susan]

Jenn - Check out preppy Harold's (based in Dallas) for a cute denim pick-stitch jacket - very stylish with your long shorts.

Can't wait to meet you in Hot-Lanta! I think after spending a little time in the South, you'll discover that you're really a Belle at heart. Bless your heart, it sounds like you've already been a "Deb on hard times." Love you and love your writing style. And as the sweet potato queens say -Cute shoes - tell your Mama hey!

http://www.harolds.com/harolds/Product.aspx?Category=women's+outerwear&Item=81S28C&AllowPaging=True&Page=1

[Sandy Nelson]

Maybe Mr. Ralph Lauren would have to argue that point with you missy! I just bought a fabulous JJ of his this year and it is so NOT 1985!

[Cathy D.]

Oprah says, a white jean jacket is in this year, and who can argue with O?
http://www2.oprah.com/beauty/fashion/slide/20080220/fashion_20080220_205.jhtml

[tutugirl1345]

May in Atlanta is definitely shorts weather. I plan on wearing a sundress and a jean jacket :). Make sure you take time to go see the two story Target!

[Somedayme2]

My husband still tries to wear his acid wash jeans. I still can't get him to stop wearing hight tops, BUT he did finally get rid of the mullet! THANKGAWD!!! In our house hoodies have now taken the place of jean jackets (but the acid wash and regular levi's jean jacket with the bullet in the red tag are safely tucked in a garment bag in the back of the closet for SOMEDAY again)so I would have been laughing right along with you Jen!

[Jen]

Jen-I just discovered your work a few weeks ago when I was browsing through Barnes and Noble, bored and looking for something compelling to read. I have to say I am already a huge fan after having read Bitter is the New Black and now I am reading Bright Lights, Big Ass. When I didn't think you could get funnier-you have. I cried (literally cried) when I read the part about the woman in Ikea opening the drawer twenty times-the drawer full of kittens.. ohhhh i am so stealing that from you!!! Keep giving us something to do when we are too bored to work, and thank GOD you got fired!!

[Julie]

Okay, I may be wearing my jean jacket right now as I type this at work. But it's a Calvin Klein that's only a year old. And, to counter that, I didn't even know Pottery Barn had a teen catalog. I really wish you were coming to the Detroit area. I already told my husband if you ever do, I'm taking the day off to go to your book signing and he's coming with me. Actually, he kinda wants to meet the author who can make me burst out laughing like a crazy person.

[CATHY WALKER]

Jen u r HILARIOUS please come to a Boston area Barnes and Noble SOON i WOULD LOVE TO ME YOU

[The Modern Gal]

I may or may not be wearing a jean jacket right now. But I'm going to pretend you're not mocking me.

[Susan]

Sitting here at work, I would probably laugh harder, except that I am sitting here wearing my jean jacket. At work. Jean jacket. That I bought after the new millenium. Umm....so yeah. I don't think that I can really laugh at that right now...

[Melissa C]

May in Dallas? Yeah, you bring the shorts, I'll bring the wine.

Oh yeah, and one time, not at band camp, I was so insanely jealous that my step-sister had a Guess jean jacket and I didn't, that I stole hers. Totally got busted too. Good times.

[Jill]

I just retired my Pottery Barn Teen duvet cover last year. Among other colors it (naturally) included pink and green.

[Jocelyn]

It snowed yesterday and today in Portland, Oregon... BUT, we've also had 70 degree weather in February, so it's a crap shoot. Just bring an umbrella and you'll be good. Once Spring Break hits, we all wear sandals and flipflops. Even in the rain.

[Jocelyn]

It snowed yesterday and today in Portland, Oregon... BUT, we've also had 70 degree weather in February, so it's a crap shoot. Just bring an umbrella and you'll be good. Once Spring Break hits, we all wear sandals and flipflops. Even in the rain.

[JenBun]

Hilarious!

[Muffy Willowbrook]

Sweet Baby Jesus, I can't wait to meet you in Minnie.

Thanks for the great laugh today.

[Kim]

I just bought a jean jacket last year. Actually, its cut like a cute denim blazer. I always wear it with skirts or khaki pants. I had no idea I was in a time machine.

BUT I haven't seen my acid-washed jean jacket (with a cute bow and a ZIPPER up the back -- what the hell WAS that??) since c1985!!

[LJ]

Haha hopefully come May, NYC's weather will definitely comply with a khaki shorts ensemble. That's too funny on Pottery Barn Teen. Is it wrong that I now want to check out what they've got?!?