You All Deserve a Hug

When I started reading the contest entries, I was drinking a diet iced tea.  Five hours, six iced lemon cookies, two mint patties, and one dark chocolate/creme brulee square later (not nearly as good as it sounds), I've finally finished and I've picked the winners. 

However, as it is both my obligation and right to Milk It for a moment, I want to make a couple of points first.

Not to go Miss America all over your asses, but I wish I could send you each a book for participating.  I'm blown away that between all the entries I received via MySpace, Jennsylvania, and email, not one of them was anything less than sincere and brutally honest.  If you guys haven't actually read the entries - which I'll admit I often skip on other people's blogs - I encourage you to do so.  You'll be sucked in for hours.

Also, I loved how I could identify with so many of your stories, like having my pants fall down at Target?  Totally been there.  Waxing poetic over foil-wrapped Ding Dongs?  Oh, hell yes.  Experiencing the aftermath of cabbage soup?  It's an incident I'd prefer not to recall, yet it happened anyway.  Eating donuts out of the garbage?  Technically I haven't been there, but only because the opportunity hasn't yet presented itself.  (What's funny is that I'm such the Paranoid Safety Queen and I won't even look at strangers yet one time when some random person offered me a menu with a bag of cookies stapled on the front, I inhaled them without even chewing.)  (I didn't say it was a proud moment.)

A number of you had entries that broke my heart, like Lisa H. and Boo and JP, yet you found ways to ultimately deliver an uplifting message.  I bet by sharing your stories, you all end up helping more people than you ever realized.  Some of you simply killed me with your humor, like Lindsay Selders, Kelly J., Jennifer Moore, and Gail M. by delivering lines about radioactive sandwiches and having bra cups people could live in.  You all rock.

OK, enough, I need to get to the results.  The winner on the MySpace side of the contest is Shannon who tells this story:

I am nearly 5’9" and in my eyes had struggled with weight all my life, but looking back at old pictures it wasn’t weight, but curves that I had. It wasn’t until I had three children that the true yo-yo of my weight began. Also, having bed rest my entire last pregnancy, add in the fact that I was having an elephant for a baby and my age the pounds never wanted to go away.

Almost 2 years after having my youngest, my husband joined the Marines so I decided not to look like the Stay-puffed Marshmallow Man when he returned. So between diet, exercise and stress I was the weight was down to a respectable 150. We went on to be stationed in New Orleans.

I floated within 10lbs of that weight until October 2003, when a medication I was given to combat anxiety and depression reacted badly with my body. I gained 40 lbs in water in 3 days. You couldn’t see my toes, could put on shoes it was horrible. The doctors are sure what happened but it reeked havoc on my body.

The depression of this and other factors at my life at the time caused me to stress eat. This stress/self medicating eating ballooned me up to 262lbs. I hated myself. I wouldn’t go anywhere without having a panic attack. I was lost on many levels, and all of my own doing. Plus, how can you not eat and drink in a city founded on that very thing! In late 2004, I got a job requiring a lot of walking and dropped to 245 which began to help. On to our next duty station, North Carolina.

John got transferred for training in California. I was alone with a toddler in a town with no family or friends. I stressed but this time I dropped to 215 instead of stress eating I was stress fasting (both are very bad for you). When Katrina hit I stressed to a whole new level, 206.

In December 2005, I was unjustly fired from my job in North Carolina. I didn’t deal with the rejection well, but instead turned to writing to vent instead of as many boxes of cookies. By the time May 2006 arrived and we knew for certain we were moving back to Ohio I had reached 225 and thanks to enjoying one last summer at the ocean.

I never could break the 200’s though, This would frustrate me so I would yo-yo eat. This combined with coming home to John’s family who love to cook I got up to 242. I felt defeated, so I took my self loathing internally. I would dress crappy because I felt I deserved it for being overweight.

Then in December 2007 I had a break through. While watching How to look good naked, I realized that size doesn’t matter, it is the glow from within that speaks volumes. Instead of doing plan to start dieting when the new year approached, I would give myself the best Christmas present: The permission to love myself, not diet, and to live every moment as fabulous as I could. I began wearing makeup again and getting my hair done. I started taking the time to dress nice for work and for play. I just let myself be happy on the inside and outside.

On December 27 I got on the scale at 235, took my measurements then recorded them and decided I am ok with that. If that is weight I am meant to be so be it. I wouldn’t starve myself, but I wouldn’t kill myself with junk and fast fried foods. I would love my body and show it I loved it by stopping the things that were bad for me. This included my diet coke addition, sitting down and eating a giant bowl of brownie sundae. I would hydrate myself with good things like water and vitamins. I would also not deprive myself. If I felt like a piece of chocolate I could eat it, no guilt, no beating myself up.

Which leads me to today, I am 215. Why? Because I stopped the inside hatred of myself. It was like my mind and body had been at a long and hard battle for so long by calling a peace treaty gave immeasurable (and much needed) relief to my system. I let 20lbs of hatred, 15 inches of loathing off my hips, and 8 inches off my waist of fear all go.

Do I still have bad days where I hate my body? Sure, I am human, but I deal with it directly and stop it in its tracks rather then try and mask it with a box of Twinkies. I realize that the mood like time, will pass and life will go on.

Well told, Shannon. 

For the email/website entries, I picked Elizabeth with this story:

My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was a little girl. And since we belonged to a close knit church and community, any time she was hospitalized, we were overwhelmed with casseroles. And she was hospitalized A LOT. Over the course of several year. These friends automatically sought to please the three kids in the home, so most of the casseroles involved cheese, potato chips, cheese, mayo, and more cheese. Mmmm. I never noticed my weight because my brothers and I were involved in a lot of activities to "distract us." But the problems started when I hit puberty at 9. Suddenly, while my older brothers were trying to gain weight for wrestling, mine was sticking, even with sports and dance. Still, I don't think anyone was worried, and seriously, who is going to stop a little girl who has a dying mom from having a bowl of ice cream after dinner?

My mom died when I was 11, and if I thought we had a "friends bringing food by" problem before, this event multiplied it by 100. Friends and neighbors filled both our fridges, and implemented a plan to keep us fed for 2 months, making sure the widower with little cooking experience could keep his kids alive.

At this time, I also became a latchkey eater...I mean kid. With no one home to supervise my snacking, I'd pour a bowl of doritos, eat them all, pour another and hide it behind a pillow on my bed (those grease stains never came out by the way) so I could munch in secret while I did homework. Occasionally I'd mix it up with a bowl of ice cream, or a large candy bar. I'd decided to take a break from activities for awhile because I wasn't into it. Obviously, I realize now that was eating to mask my grief.

One day, about 4 months after my mom died, my dad looked at me and saw an eleven year old who was already wearing a B (almost C) cup, and whose pudge couldn't be explained by baby fat anymore. Since I was the youngest and the only girl, he didn't know much about raising a girl through through puberty. But he knew enough that he wanted me to be healthy and happy and he had to do something. Although people are kind of appalled at what he did now, I still am grateful for it.

He asked me to weigh myself. And when I told him how much I weighed, he told me he thought I was getting too heavy for my body type and height, and offered me $2 for every pound I lost. And in 1990 when my only income was very sporadic babysitting, that was a huge motivator. (To be honest, when he put the stakes out, my first thought was, "that's a lot of Sweet Valley High books!").

I discovered my bike again, started eating carrot sticks, and switched out my two regular sodas for one diet one. I skipped desserts, and took long post dinner walks with my dad. And it worked! I slimmed down to a weight that was appropriate. And I got to forge a much closer relationship with my dad...one that I still rely on today. I helped him lose weight too, encouraging him to cut out the sugar in his coffee and those big candy bars I used to steal from him.

My weight still fluctuates, but I attribute the healthier lifestyle that I lead to what happened in that difficult time. I give props to my dad, who although he could never fathom taking me shopping for a bra or other "girl" stuff, made a decision about/for me that helped change my life.

In fact, he still makes weight loss bets with my brothers and I. He won big for his own wedding, and we're now setting new stakes. It's $5 a pound now, but the losers have to pay the winner. I'm aiming to get at least $50 from him this time...18 years later.

Elizabeth, is it weird for me to tell you I'm proud of you?

Before I decided the winners tonight, I made a quick grocery run because Fletch has contracted my Pan Asian Death Flu.  And as I cruised the aisles shopping for soup and juice, I couldn't get Jennifer from Tempe's story out of my head.  It goes like this:

If you're looking for some quality self abuse, take the exercise class I did last night.

Innocently titled 20/20/20, this class involves 20 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes of toning and 20 minutes of core training. I figured, Hey, I can do 20 minutes of anything! And since it was held at the local park district, I stupidly assumed that it wouldn't be too bad.

Well, after I met my perky instructor (i.e., The Nazi) Maria, I realized how my assumptions may very well kill me.

She started us off with the cardio. Now, keep in mind, the woman standing in front of me was probably about 60 and there were people of all sizes and ages. But that didn't stop Maria from bringing her A game. Well, I THINK it was her A game, but I'm actually not clear on what happened after the first five minutes because I blacked out. The goal was to quickly get your heart rate up - but it didn't work for me because my heart instantly exploded, popped out of my body and skidded halfway across the shiny gym floor before coming to a stop in front of one of the two men in the class. Luckily, his heart had already burst out of his body as well, so he didn't mind, as he was passed out on his mat. And The Nazi DIDN'T EVEN BREAK A SWEAT. Nor did the 60-year-old. Go figure.

I finally came to when we started on the toning section of the workout. The only good thing about this part was the entertainment value. We used long rubber bands in varying colors (each color offered different tension. I selected an imaginary one, because I don't need any more tension in my life.) And The Nazi didn't tell anyone what the levels were, nor how to properly use them. So as we were going through the 10 different ways to pull a muscle, people were dropping like flies. Even better, as the 20 minutes passed, you would hear SNAP and then "Ow!" throughout the room. Turns out the bands were a little old, and that, combined with our inexperience with using them, meant that the bands were snapping mid pull and hitting people in the face. Great fun!

I must say that my favorite part was the core training section. That's probably because we got to lay down for most of it. If I could figure out a way to do cardio without getting up or getting naked, I would. It was just too bad that every part of my body was shaking from the previous 40 minutes of exertion, so my core work looked more like a seizure than the smooth fluid movements The Nazi was expecting.

After it was all over, The Nazi had the gall to suggest that we eat something when we get home "Have some trail mix, cottage cheese or some yogurt. I'm going to have some delicious salmon myself." Look lady - two people died in your class tonight - I'm going home and eating half a pie and then wash it down with a milk shake. Salmon, my ass.

And this was THE FIRST CLASS. Only nine more to go. I can't wait.

I have one extra book.  And Jennifer from Tempe is getting it because her snapping bands made me snort up and down the aisles.

Shannon, Jennifer, Elizabeth, please send me your mailing addresses and I'll get your books out tomorrow(ish.) 

And the rest of you?  Give yourselves a round of applause (or a cookie if you prefer) because you deserve it.

Comments

[Gretchen]

PORTION OF A NOTE TO MY TRAINER: WHO CONSTANTLY COMPLAINS THAT I LACK COMMITMENT (aka time)
a short fable for you: a very white, hurried professional woman
showers, dresses, gets 3 kids up, dressed, fed, to school, drives to
work, walks through large metropolitan hospital over 3 floors,
harvests kickass endoscopic vein from 89 year old leg, proceeds to sew
vein onto shitty 89 year old coronary arteries, walks back through
hospital, goes to innerbarrio high school in plano, tx where she picks
up son, takes him to drivers license office where they spend an
unbelievable 60 minutes (only!) getting his drivers permit, goes to
gym, walks on treadmill, drives children to kumon where she walks the
dog, drives son to karate and then goes home. at this point, she
realizes that she has not had a back on one of her diamond studs all day, b/c there it is on the bathroom floor. BUT THE EARRING IS STILL THERE.
moral of the story: trainers, men, nutritional theories, calories,
scales,etc are BULLSHIT and only DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER!

[Jeannie B.]

Kudos to you, Jen, for hosting the contest, and to all the brave and funny ladies who entered. You all rock!

[Brandi]

Re: Michele

I would just like to say that was very rude of you to say. I don't think it was your place at all to say what you did. Yeah, obviously you can get heart disease, diabetes, all that good stuff, right? News flash, pretty much everyone knows that. The point is she is no longer depressed, yet happy.

Shannon I just want to tell you not to even pay attention to her. I am so happy you have finally found a way to start loving your body. I know you know the feeling of putting on clothes you just wore 2 months ago and silently crying to yourself because you can no longer fit them. I'm there too. Anyway, I just want to tell you how great that is, and I am so happy for you. Do whatever makes you happy. I bet you look great!! :) :) Keep being sexy!

[Jen]

I love the comment about the 6'3" guy spotted laughing out loud reading "Bitter". I read the last few chapters of "Bright Lights" last night - and had to put the book down and GUFFAW - tears streaming - for about eight minutes...something about our governor giving birth to an 8 lb. rib roast whilst attempting to bend at the waist. Soooooooooo funny!!!!!!!

[LLori]

Read an hour & found all stories remarkably brilliant...not to mention extremely Brave. Awe struck at generosity in sharing personal struggles (& humbled). Seems we all have our stumbling block w/trying to keep it all good (emotional, spiritual, physical). Thank you all for every moment. Now, to get back to 'em. One more time..the blog is really insightful & continues to amaze. O.K., now I'm just running on...the '20/20/20' Nazi exercise class was priceless.

[Manic Mommy]

Thanks for the blog link too! That rocks!

[FemaleVeteran]

I really enjoyed all the stories and while I'm sure I'll catch flack for this, 215 lbs for a woman is not a healthy weight unless said woman is about 6'3" tall. I'm very happy that Shannon has stopped hating herself but I want to ENCOURAGE her to keep trying. A weight of 215lbs can lead to heart disease, diabetes, joint problems and other health issues. I'm a retired, 47-year-old (female) Air Force Sgt. and I find that just not drinking anything with calories (I do treat myself now and then) and taking a long, brisk walk or short jog twice a week keeps my weight around 135. I'm 5'7". For her HEALTH, I hope that Shannon keeps trying to lose some of her weight.
Ok, go ahead...bring it. I'm just concerned for her.

[Michele]

I so enjoy this blog and all the clever people who comment in it!! The only way that the contest could have been better is if you actually did give every participant a book! The winners all rock and it's so nice to know that I am not alone in this (constant)struggle to lose the poundage.

[erin]

Jennifer from Tempe, you made me spit beer and Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips out of my nose! That was one of the funniest things I've read (outside of the great and powerful Governor of this fantastic website) and I actually copied it into an email. You funny lady!

[Kelly]

Jen - great choices!

**** I just have to tell you this story. Today on the Boston T, Green Line at Boylston Street to be exact, I saw the following:

Tall guy. 6'3"-ish. Black hair with a pink streak. Black eyeliner. Black leather jacket. Black leather pants. Big black boots with big silver buckles.

...Reading Bitter Is The New Black. And laughing out loud. :)

[Jen]

Jen? You rock. You make me laugh out loud through the tears in my eyes. And we all know through the wise words of Truvy (Steel Magnolias) that laughter through tears is one of the greatest emotions. Thank you.

[jonniker]

"Look lady - two people died in your class tonight - I'm going home and eating half a pie and then wash it down with a milk shake. Salmon, my ass."

Honestly, that line has had me snorting all day. I love the bonus round choice, Jen. Love.

And the other two winning stories honestly made me cry, because oh my hell, the HUMANITY. This is one of the best things you've ever done, and I'm coming out of lurkdom just because of it, and to let these women know that I love them. Love. Them.

Incredibly big rounds of applause all around.

[blackbird]

Those were great stories.
Tell Fletch I hope he feels better soon.
(Oh, and you too, but I have a crush on Fletch.)

[Suzanne]

Just a thought, but was the Pan Asian Death Flu the result of your "pre-eaten" Costco bread?
Hope you both feel better.

[Danielle]

I have to say that even though she didn't win LisaH really inspired me and I want to thank her, whoever she is!

I have been struggling with my weight for the past few months and making excuse upon excuse not to get back on the Weight Watchers plan and your story really hit me hard.

It actually inspired me to get back on track and thanks to you, I lost 4.5 pounds this week!

All the stories were amazing (((HUGS TO YOU ALL)))

[Sara]

God, I am SO with you, Jennifer from Tempe! I have taken so many exercise classes where I am surrounded by light, bouncy people and the instructor is hollering at us to "stay light on our feet" and I am thinking--there is no way that this body can stay light on these feet. Then the instructor says "HOW ARE WE ALL FEELING?!" and half the crowd whoops, and I want to scream "LIKE A FATA**!!!"

[Chunky A]

Your delay on the winner forced me to pick up Bright Lights finally!
And I was already preordered for Pretty Fat!
They will keep me occupied during the hard times of being newly single(and happy!)

(My proposal at 150# boyfriend is no more)

Thanks for all the inspiration!

[Kate]

WOW! I went from crying to laughing so hard I was crying. My kids now think I'm even crazier. Thanks a lot! ;) Wonderful choices.

[ChelsieH]

While I did not enter, but definatley could have..as i have had a weight problem since the day i was born. I MUCH enjoy reading through all the entries. They kept my boring work days interesting and motivated me a little as I am currently dieting..lol. Everyone's stories were GREAT and thanks for sharing.

[summer]

not to be a biotch... but those are well over 500 words!

[sizzle]

Thanks for putting together this contest. It was great to read all the entries!

[Trish Weidig]

Whoa. I'm blown away. Blown. Away.

Shannon, Elizabeth, and Jennifer (as well as the countless others who submitted)deserve PARADES in honor of your fortitude. I'm sending you all hugs from my laptop. (*squeeze*)

It was probably wrong to read these stories while noshing down on Fannie May chocolate Easter eggs, but...look, don't judge me. I'm on vacation, okay?? (she typed defensively) Anyway, Jennifer's story made me spit chocolate egg on my monitor. So, in that sense, you saved me some calories right there, Jennifer! Now, all I need are some weakened exercise bands and a Nazi health instructor, and I'm good to go....

Again, PARADES should be held in honor of all submitters. (Ugh...must go. Three year old is LICKING infant....)

[Caitlin]

I had the same type of realization with How to Look Good Naked. It's an amazing show. I wish I could have watched it as a teenager. I could have come to terms with my body a long time ago

[Manic Mommy]

Great choices! And I love reading all the entries!

[LJ]

Wow, what beautiful stories. I'm glad you reposted them here Jen so they didn't get lost in the original listing. Very powerful ones from some strong ladies.

[Becca]

I definately agree with those choices! I sat down one day and read through every single one of the entries on this site. I loved them all! Congrats to the winners!

[Sandy Nelson]

I whole-heartedly agree on the choices too, great job Jen!I also planned on purchasing the book and absorbing it in a day. Thanks girl, this was a fun contest. :o)

[PetitMal]

Great choices indeed. I too was sucked in for hours, and I didn't even see the MySpace entries! I'm also happy to say that I did end up getting an advance copy of the book on Friday (shoutout to my girl at NAL), can't wait to start it!

[Teresa]

Shannon, I love you. Strictly in the platonic sense...

[tutugirl1345]

Good choices! I really enjoyed reading all of the stories throughout the week.

[AJMick]

Elizabeth's story almost made me cry! I lost my mom entirely too early as well but I was still much older than Elizabeth was when her mom passed. Her dad did a good thing... sure, it may have been an awkward start with the weighing thing, but it worked, and he had good intentions at heart. I'm glad her family made it through and continue to stick together and challenge each other.

[heather]

Kudos to you for running this contest, what a great idea. I got overwhelmed just reading a few of the entries; picking the winners surely turned into a much bigger project than you had anticipated. Excellent choices. You rock!!

[antof9]

I was going to buy it anyway :)

Nice job picking the winners, BTW. I just got some dust in my eye, that's all.

[Jessica]

I just wholeheartedly want to thank you for holding this contest. Even though I didn't participate (not because I have no stories, but because I didn't have the time or wit to write anything down!), I immensely enjoyed reading them. They made me laugh, cry, laugh and cry, and were just generally fabulous. And I'm so glad Jennifer got recognition. Her story had me on the freakin' floor!!! She's an extremely talented writer, and I bet if she lived near you, ya'll would sweat chardonnay together!

[Patti_Mayo]

Congrats ladies...

Splendid choices Jen....I wouldn't have wanted to be you to decide who won...there were alot of great stories...

I still can't wait til Such A Pretty Fat comes out...

[Suzanne]

Great choices, though I can't imagine how hard it was to pick the winners. I've only gone through some of the entries and I liked them all.