Fact or Fiction?

Sometimes I wonder if people believe all the dumb things that happen to me on a daily basis. 

The thing is, I know I'm credible, but I wouldn't be surprised if others thought, "There's no way her neighbors are that bizarre.  The Target where she shops can't be as chaotic as she claims.  I doubt she really picks fights with anything that moves.  I'm sure her husband's cooking is just fine.  And what kind of ungrateful wife bitches when her spouse tries to be helpful in the kitchen, anyway?"

Were I to buy a video camera, I could handily prove most of the above.  (I haven't yet because my fear this website would turn into All Maisy Movies, All the Time.)  Anyone who's shopped at the Target on Elston could verify my tales in a second, and I defy them to not leave the store ready to take a swing at someone. 

As for Fletch and his culinary skills?  Check out the email he sent me from work yesterday, titled Need A Favor:

Please destroy anything in the refrigerator that I cooked.  I think I gave myself food poisoning with the chicken cacciatore. 

To be on the safe side, destroy anything I may have touched.  Wasn't there some sort of mythical creature that destroyed crops my touching them?  Because that's me, only with groceries.

I rest my case.

(P.S.  I was fine because I won't eat food that tastes pointy.)

Comments

[jc]

i really think we may be cosmic twins, separated at birth. You make me LMAO. If only that would really make my literal ass smaller.

[tutugirl1345]

I think it would be fun to see a video of Maisy! I devoured Such a Pretty Fat this weekend- its absolutely amazing!

[Kristi]

On my way to B&N today to see if your book is available and CAN'T WAIT until you are here on the 14th! :)

[Nancy]

My non-blogging best friend sister tells me I should blog about the daily happenings in my life/family/work. [as she is crying from laughter]

I told her if I did, nobody would believe a word of it and my friends and family would all get pissed.

So, I believe every word you write =)

[Karen]

Hilarious! I believe you. I have my own adventures that seem unbelievable but damnit, they're true!
I had a question though. Do you still have Loki? You don't really talk about Loki and I wasn't sure if you still had him.

[Andria]

Longtime reader, delurking to say that I love each and every story.

[Aimee]

pointy? hehe

[Hallie]

I also shop at the Target on Elston - I can totally back you up. I have also had my fair share of bizarre-o occurrences happen there.

Can't wait to get Such a Pretty Fat.... my last final is May 13th and then I'm gonna be all over it.

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Loki is here, fine and happy. I just forget to talk about him because he's not compelled to be touching me twenty-four hours a day.

[Daphne]

Having lived in Bucktown for many years when the Target on Elston first opened, I absolutely know that you are 110% honest and telling the gods honest truth in describing the chaos. We now live in the South Loop, and even if we moved back to Bucktown, I still wouldn't visit that Target. Ever. Never. No way, no how.

And, knowing how insane our neighborhs have been, I don't doubt your experiences in the least.

[Malia]

"Such a Pretty Fat" Pre-Ordered?: Check.

Cute "Meeting Jen" outfit bought?: Check.

Making Jen Lancaster my BFF: *sigh* If only.

Receiving an e-mail yesterday afternoon that makes me fairly certain Fletch and my boyfriend are soulmates?: Check

"Hey babe! How's class? Just so you know, I just checked and that milk I used to make French Toast this morning? Expired last week. So, uh, if you get sick.... Sorry about that. Also, what do you put on a BLT? Is it ranch dressing? If it is, I owe Dan $5. Thanks for packing me lunch today! I forgot a fork, though, so I had to go to the Vietnamese market around the corner and they wouldn't give me a plastic one without me buying something, so now I have chicken parm AND spring rolls. See you after work. I love you! PS-Should I buy Tums, too?"

[Stacey]

My close friends call us the Fiascos, everything goes wrong or cooky no matter what it is. Home projects, daily life, vacations, you name it.
They love the stories, makes them feel better about their lives but I don't think the outside world would believe a word of it!

In the middle of BLBA...awesome, pee your pants funny, especially the visit to the gyno!

[Daphne]

So I'm not a dork for putting "Such A Pretty Fat" on all of my calendars as a remider for next week? Good :)

[angela d, a fellow scorp (11-6-67)]

waaaah, i need to get a "meeting jen" outfit!!!! (may 14th!)

[Tami]

LOVED the new book (of course!)
I believe every story that comes from your keyboard - I live in the same world as you, and have so many stories of my own. Only difference being the ability (talent) to write about them - you have it, I don't.
Have a great book tour...sorry I will miss you.
PS What is "pointy" - I usually so get what you are saying, but just can't figure this one out.

[Tami]

LOVED the new book (of course!)
I believe every story that comes from your keyboard - I live in the same world as you, and have so many stories of my own. Only difference being the ability (talent) to write about them - you have it, I don't.
Have a great book tour...sorry I will miss you.
PS What is "pointy" - I usually so get what you are saying, but just can't figure this one out.

[Poppy Buxom]

The one and only time I went to the Target on Elston, I was scarily pregnant with my second child. I had gone to stock up on disposable diapers and baby wipes, because they were on sale that week.

You do not want to tell a woman who is that pregnant and who has driven 30 minutes to get to the store that she needs a raincheck. Her hormones, which are already raging, will race up her throat and explode out of her mouth in a stream of invective that will splatter every employee within 500 yards.

So you see, I got your revenge on that Target you before I discovered your blog. That's how good a friend I am.

[Tami]

OMG - I usually scoff at those that post the same thing twice - can't they figure out something so simple...?
But I SWEAR I did nothing to make the above post 2 times...please don't laugh at me.

[Angela]

Girl, so with you on the Target thing! I haven't lived in Chicago for 7 years now and I guess it hasn't changed. Even finding a parking spot was an event at that Target.

[Angela]

I will back Jen up - the Target on Elston is full of psychopaths, and I swear some of her neighbors have been my neighbors at some point. She speaks truth! Can't wait for the new book.

[Laura]

I admit I wondered if it was ALL true, but for the most part I did. I read your first book not even knowing it was a true story :P

I totally believe that Fletch can't cook... never had any doubt on that one! :)

[Angela]

I'll vouch for your Target-on-Elston shopping experiences. Doesn't everyone in the city know that's the Ghetto-Target?

I'll settle for the 2 story one on Addison, but much prefer going up to the one on Peterson.

[Shannon]

I am Fletch with plants. Me garden? That's umpossible, because everything but clover and roses DIE.

You're my new linky love this week, BTW. I'm going in to pick up my copy of SAPF today and shop for a new argyle sweater. ;)

[shannon d.]

i believe you, and appreciate that i am not the only person that strange, random things happen to on a regular basis.

[Butter Eater]

Someone took a dump in line at our Ross yesterday. I believe every word you write.