Fact or Fiction?

Sometimes I wonder if people believe all the dumb things that happen to me on a daily basis. 

The thing is, I know I'm credible, but I wouldn't be surprised if others thought, "There's no way her neighbors are that bizarre.  The Target where she shops can't be as chaotic as she claims.  I doubt she really picks fights with anything that moves.  I'm sure her husband's cooking is just fine.  And what kind of ungrateful wife bitches when her spouse tries to be helpful in the kitchen, anyway?"

Were I to buy a video camera, I could handily prove most of the above.  (I haven't yet because my fear this website would turn into All Maisy Movies, All the Time.)  Anyone who's shopped at the Target on Elston could verify my tales in a second, and I defy them to not leave the store ready to take a swing at someone. 

As for Fletch and his culinary skills?  Check out the email he sent me from work yesterday, titled Need A Favor:

Please destroy anything in the refrigerator that I cooked.  I think I gave myself food poisoning with the chicken cacciatore. 

To be on the safe side, destroy anything I may have touched.  Wasn't there some sort of mythical creature that destroyed crops my touching them?  Because that's me, only with groceries.

I rest my case.

(P.S.  I was fine because I won't eat food that tastes pointy.)

Comments

[Tiffany]

I worked at Target for 6 years in Milwaukee. I lived in Chicago for a year and have been to 2 different Targets there. I laugh until I tinkle when you talk about Target because it is quite accurate :)

[Tiffany]

I worked at Target for 6 years in Milwaukee. I lived in Chicago for a year and have been to 2 different Targets there. I laugh until I tinkle when you talk about Target because it is quite accurate :)

[LMD]

I just finished Such A Pretty Fat this morning. (Bless having a friend who owns and indie book store and can shell out the copies as soon as they arrive.)(I totally paid for it, though. You'll get your $2 off of me!) I lauhged myself hysterical so often that my roommate gave up an watched TV in her room.

As if the 456th rerun of Newsies this week was more important.

[Kendra]

What's scary is that I do believe you! You just couldn't make this stuff up! BTW, I was introduced to both your blog and your books by a friend a few months ago. You're brilliant! I hope you have the chance to come to Minneapolis on your book tour!

[Andrea]

I most certainly believe you. I come across idiots from all walks of life almost every single day. I just wish I had the same wit and humor to respond to them the way you do! And the stuff you write about - there is no way you can make that stuff up- NO WAY.

I am SO looking forward to your book coming out Tuesday!

[Amanda]

No, the TARGET on ELSTON is not "ghetto" as one reader suggested. I'll show him/her a store in the ghetto...ever check out K-town? Anyways, it's more like a clusterf*ck store where the milk and kitter are overpicked by Sunday afternoon. But that's Chicago, and it's survival of the fittest. Jen, gotta say, been reading the site for awhile now. I'm a fellow Purdue grad who arrived on the W. Lafayette scene just as you were leaving. Underneath all the smartassness there's a real heart that comes across...God Bless.

[Susie Sunshine]

I have seen The Gray Neighbors myself and been poisoned by Fletchtinis.

Every word she says is true.

[Molly]

Duh! You have to stay shopping at that crappy store so we can continue laughing our asses off on this end!
My sister had a landlord who wanted to take a urine sample to test...need I go on?

[Mel]

There is a reason I call the Target on Elston - "Targhetto"!

[Betsy]

Just wanted to vouch for the validity of your Target claims. I too shop at the one on Elston and I have never once had a worker smile at me. Have you ever had the dressing room lady (always the same one, by the way) ask you to move your cart so that it is not in the way of her returns cart? The worst part about this is that there are alway about eight carts idling around the dressing room entrance, and there is NOWHERE else to put my cart. So, I have to wait while she moves it around for five minutes, eventually parking it two inches from where i had it in the first place. And, I swear that lady remembers me every time. I've added her to my list.

[Betsy]

Just wanted to vouch for the validity of your Target claims. I too shop at the one on Elston and I have never once had a worker smile at me. Have you ever had the dressing room lady (always the same one, by the way) ask you to move your cart so that it is not in the way of her returns cart? The worst part about this is that there are alway about eight carts idling around the dressing room entrance, and there is NOWHERE else to put my cart. So, I have to wait while she moves it around for five minutes, eventually parking it two inches from where i had it in the first place. And, I swear that lady remembers me every time. I've added her to my list.

[sara]

i totally know what you mean by food that tastes pointy!!!! I used to tell my mom things tasted "pointy" or "brown"... you would have thought I'd said it about her skin instead of her cooking.....

[Lizzie]

Hey Jen -

Did you notice that the underpants model that plagirized you made a cameo on the last episode of The Hills? She didnt say anything, so we'll never know if she rips off your dialogue too :)

By the way, my fiance cant get enough of the part of your video where Fletch says "Jen getting fit has been the biggest pain in my ass in my entire life." I am trying to get healthy too, and I think for all the drama it causes in our house, he would greatly prefer drama-free chubbiness :)

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Tasting pointy is when the food is so sharp because of bone shards, improper cook time, etc. that it stabs your mouth and the only flavor your palate can sense is OUCH.

[Candy]

As one living a chaotic life, I totally understand how you would feel people don't believe you. I put up real stories all the time and then think, yeah no way anyone's buying that crap.

However, I will need some clarification on what pointy tastes like.

[Daphne]

I just called the Waldenbooks by my office and they have it, and I'm going at lunch to pick it up!!

[Frances]

Double YAY!!! I got your book this morning. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

[Daphne]

Can someone please tell me how they are already getting copies of Such A Pretty Fat when the book isn't due to be released until May 6? I refuse to wait a day longer than I have to!

[jonniker]

Oh dude, I totally believe you, for weird shit happens to me as well and I'm always wondering, how will ANYONE believe this absurdity? So I know it happens. It does.

We should consider ourselves lucky, I suppose, that we are writers and storytellers, for without this shit, what would we write about?

[Kelsey]

I work at a Target and one day after close, the store owner was telling us about the Target you go to (the busiest one in the world) and how they get 8 trucks a day (our store would get one truck every 2 or so days) and how it's crazy busy ALL THE TIME.

[the other Moira (who knew?)]

Sally - I'm with you. There's another Moira that posts here. Whaaaa?

[stephani]

I can totally empathize. After 17 yrs in the service, my husband's culinary skills can be summed up in one word...brown. Which is why I handle the cooking. Also, I have issues with the mental midgets in my 'hood also. Talk about the gene pool needing a thorough cleansing...yipes. Love your work...makes dealing with the cubicle dwellers a little more bearable...thanks!

[Sheenah]

One question: How does something taste pointy?

[Sally]

Also, who is this other Sally-person who apparently also lives in Chicago and periodically posts on here? I thought I was the only Sally in Chicago...I feel so violated.

[Sally]

Angela - YES! Attention JEN!!! There's a much nicer Target on Addison - it's clean and less crowded and better stocked and has the fun cart escalator thingy and is just an overall better experience. Due to the availability of this Target, I don't feel bad for people who continue to have bad experiences at the Elston Target. Sorry, Jen, but a couple more minutes in your car will save you lots of trouble. (There also is a Target at Clark and Roosevelt - I've never been but it's relatively new and most likely only South Loop yuppies shop there - so if you can deal with them then you're fine. And you can justify the drive by stopping in Little Italy for dinner or an Italian ice.)

[Katie]

Fletch shouldn't feel too bad...at least about the chicken cacciatore. My college roommate got food poisoning from that stuff at a restaurant. And to this day, you can't even start saying "chicken caccia..." without her turning green. BWAHAHAHA!

[Miss M]

The Target on Elston is my Target too and I verify that it is super crazy! I heard that it is the busiest Target in the country. I am talking no parking spots, no available shopping carts, no room to push a shopping cart down the aisles if you are lucky enough to get one, and long lines! Plus, did you ever notice how it is kinda hot in there too- I always break a sweat in that Target! Gross. If you like reality television (like Deadliest Catch) then check out my blog at www.realitytvwhores.blogspot.com.

[Nicole]

I thought I was the only one w/ crazy neighbors with antics no one would believe, until I discovered you. However, my husband happens to be a fantastic cook, so no complaints there. He also does laundry and grocery shops (no, I'm not a paraplegic). I do have to give "it" up often, though.

[Daphne]

Wait, how is it that some of you are getting SAPF already? I thought it wasn't available for another week?? No fair! NO FAIR!!! I've re-read BITNB and BLBA 3 times I'm so desperate for more Jen.

[Kirsten]

I believe you. I work with kids and in retail so you would NOT believe the crazy shit people do and say.

[Paige]

You crack me up! I won't eat anything pointy, either. Or squishy. Or rubbery. In fact, most of the time I say I don't like something, it's because of the texture rather than the taste. Mushrooms for instance. I like the taste of anything cooked with them, but I could never chomp into one of those bad boys without gagging. I'm hopefully coming to see you in Philly next weekend, but I'm totally stressed about what to wear, and since I NEVER stress about what to wear (cause I usually don't give a crap), that's really saying something! Can't wait!!!

[the other Moira (who knew?)]

so, you've got synesthesia, eh? I find it fascinating that chicken can taste pointy.

[Gina]

Your Target is my Costco.
People are always pushing their gi-normous shopping carts into my heels - and because I usually have kids with me - I grit my teeth and calmly say, please be careful.
What I really want to say, is how fucking stupid are you that you cannot maneuver a shopping cart and when the hell are you planning to leave so I can remember to stay off the road, given your skills are less then adequate to commandeer a cart, much less a car!!

[Ally]

I just got back from the bookstore and purchased Such a Pretty Fat! I can't wait to start reading! Thanks for the new book Jen!!

[blackbird]

I TOTALLY believe you.

[mep]

Target on Elston? You are right on about it. It's ridiculous.

Target on Addison? Cleaner and less crowded, but still shady.

[chigirl]

Your Target is my Target -- I fondly refer to it as "Targetto". Every time I go I vow I will never be back --(sigh) I always am.

[Jo]

The Target on Elston is my Target. I am with the others when I say I can back up every story and more that comes out of that place.

Funny thing - isn't that Target supposedly the busiest Target in the country? If that's true, how come they never have any freaking registers open?? I swear, everytime I'm in there the registers that are on the Western Ave side of the store are always closed. BOGUS.

[Joanne]

I despise the Target on Elston...I know all to well how you suffer.

[Katie]

I can also vouch for how crazy that Target is. I avoid it like the plague. I can also say with 100% certainty that your neighbors CAN be that strange. It never ceases to amaze me the level of stupidity of the human race. Not to mention how many wack-jobs are out there and their suprising concentration in the Chicago area.

[Suzanne]

Come join me at the Super Target in Algonquin, just a short 90 minute drive from Chicago :-). It's awesome, and just down the road is the public library (which welcomes local authors for readings -- hint hint) and also a Trader Joe's! There is civilization out in the boonies!

[andi]

Jen you speak the truth about that Target. I remember wanting to swing at people, and many times that was in the parking lot before I even got near the store!! What a mess that place was/is...

[Janet]

Oh, I totally believe any crazy thing that you say happens at Target. Wal-mart is even worse. Actual snippet of conversation I heard in Wal-mart the other day: "...and that's tough to do when you have gerbils! Hey! Do they sell toenail clippers here?"

[Lisa Johnson]

So glad to be blogging with people suffering through the daily b.s. I must endure. IF I could write like Jen I would title my book ...WTF Did I Ever Do To Deserve This and Don't You Dare Answer That Question! Ahhhhh! The insanity of them all!!! One of my favorite neighbor stories is one very early morning, the next door neighbor starts up his mufflerless piece of shit car and once it's warm and cozy drives off to work after waking my small children. NOT seconds later there is a knock at the door by his wife. She literally said "Can I use your phone? I just took an overdose." My thought being my heartless self was why didn't she let them start kicking in before trying to walk over to my house. I would have been more inclined to be concerned instead of royally pissed off. It's survival of the fittest or whoever owns a phone lives. I live in Bizarro World no matter what city or state I reside in. Obviously from all your posts you attract them like me as if I'm magnetized.

[rebecca]

Oh I believe evey word you say !
Luckily weird things don't happen to me EVERY day, but I have a good friend who I call especially if I need a good laugh. Her life is just a comedy of errors.
I know thats mean of me to enjoy but its just so flippin' funny!

[Beth]

My copy of Such a Pretty Fat came in Friday! Whoo Hoo! I work at Barnes and Noble except for yesterday when I simply stood behind the cash register snickering at your imaginary foiled kidnapping. Good job Hero Jen, even if it didn't actually happen!

[Melissa]

I've been to that Target. In fact I was paid to do some secret shopping there right after it opened. As for the crazy neighbors, my upstairs one is a psycho idiot. If my boyfriend claps too loud , even at 6PM on a Saturday, she pounds on her floor. if we pound back so will she. I had a REALLY ANGRY confrontation with her over this on Saturday. She tried to tell me it wasn't her that was pounding. She's CRAZY!!!

[Kristen]

Just found your blog and found myself laughing so hard yesterday afternoon that my asthma kicked in! I felt like I had written it myself (especially the bits about the neighbors). If I actually wrote about half of the things that happen to me there is noone on the planet that would believe that this many crazy sit-com like things actually happen to me...and yet they do.

Looking forward to reading your books!

[Jessica]

Also, we used to have a Target here in Des Moines that we called "Targhetto" because it was, well, in the ghetto. It is closed now...they are turning it into the DMV I think.

[Nicole]

I so know what you mean about that Target on Elston. When we lived in Rogers Park, both my husband and I worked in the strip mall across Elston from Target, so would often dash over there to pick up some lunch. It was always a complete madhouse!

Now I am a student at UIC, and living on the south side and I love the Target on Roosevelt and Clark. It is always very nice there when I run in on my way to or from school.

Can't wait to see you in Chicago next Tuesday.