Or Maybe I Should Just Stop Doing Meth Before Bed?

Many authors are inspired by their dreams, creating interesting characters and dramatic plot points courtesy of their subconscious.  Sometimes when they're writing and they can't quite get the story to flow, they'll go to sleep and their dreams will provide crystal clarity as to exactly what should happen next. 

You know why I don't write fiction? 

Because my dreams are boring. 

Almost every night as I lay me down to sleep, I end up with dreams that are a complete rehash of my day.  If I spend the day gardening, I will tend that same green patch in my dreams.  If I'm online a lot, my dreams will feature Internet Explorer and familiar websites.  If I watch television before bed, I'll dream about Survivor.  Maybe my subconscious will add a small plot twist, like instead of Jonathan getting airlifted out three damn episodes into the Fans vs. Favorites season, Parvati will get eaten by a Bengal tiger  - oh, wait, that's a fantasy, not a dream - but that's generally about as creative as I get.

However, when I'm under a lot of stress, my subconscious will cut me a small break and not make me rehash everything that's making me anxious.  Instead, I'll have funny dreams.  And I must be all freaked out right now, because for the past few days I've woken up to the sound of my own laughter.

Here's what I can remember...

DREAM ONE - THE POWER OF CITIBANK COMPELS YOU

My brother is forcing me to be a member of the Road Rules/Real World Gauntlet cast.  I do NOT want to participate, but he makes me do it anyway because he's a jerk even in my dreams.  I keep bitching that I'm too old for this kind of stuff, but my brother says no one's as old as Big Beth and if she's still doing challenges, then I can't pull the age card.  (Anyone who watches fine, fine MTV reality programming will understand this.  The rest of you might want to skip to the second, less esoteric dream.)

There are about sixteen of us left in the Gauntlet competition and we're paired up in male/female teams of two, placed in line chronologically.  I'm matched with Jon from the LA season of The Real World and I'm pissed that not only do I have to do a stupid physical challenge, but also because Jon and I are the oldest group.  I'm still all, "I'm 40 - why am I on MTV?"

I stand in line and fidget, totally dreading my turn in the wrestling challenge.  (Which is taking place in my parents' old garage, BTW.)  I'm not afraid of getting beaten, I just that I don't want to make the effort.  I'm tired and lazy and old.  As I explain to Jon, "Wrestling is really hard work."  I whine, I moan, and I complain to the point my brother decides that I have a bad attitude not because I'm 40 and still doing reality television, but because I've been possessed by a demon.  So, he yanks me out of the competition.

We go inside and he orders me to get into bed in my old room while he consults the Yellow Pages to find a priest specializing in demon possession.  He finds one rather quickly and the priest comes over bearing a cross, holy water, and a laminated pamphlet with pricing on it.  My brother can choose between single, weekly, or monthly sessions.  He tells the priest, "She's REALLY possessed.  Let's do the six month package for $279."

Then my brother gets my purse and grabs MY credit card to pay for the priest's services. 

OK, this? 

Right here? 

Is the exact kind of dick move my brother would pull in real life.

The priest takes out a portable credit card verification machine and he tries to run my card.  But every time he attempts to punch in the numbers, the demon inside of me mixes them up.  The bank name on the card keeps changing, too.  The more the priest tries to run it, the more the numbers change 'til the point where they perpetually flip, like that big National Debt clock.  The scene gets tense and my brother and the priest grow angrier and angrier.

So there I am, strapped to the carved cherry wood twin bed of my childhood, wearing a Laura Ingalls Wilder-type nightgown while my brother and the priest shout at me to knock it off so they can run the damn card already. 

My response?

"I guess I don't like to be exercised OR exorcised."

(And that's when my laughter woke me up.)

* * *

DREAM TWO - REDUCE, REUSE, RETARD

I'm in a television studio, dressed in a lovely organic burlap suit, being interviewed on a national morning show.  I'm there because I've written a new book about saving the environment and I'm offering viewers on some handy tips. 

(I wish I'd written them down as soon as I woke up but I didn't, so here are the three I remember.)

Take Every OTHER Breath - Americans are the largest consumers of fresh air on the planet.  If our citizens would stop sucking so damn much wind and only take breaths when we feel like we're about to pass out, we could reduce our carbon dioxide emissions by 60%.

Recycle EVERYTHING - So many of us choose to cremate out pets when they pass on.  But cremation puts pollutants into the air.  So when Fluffy crosses over to The Great Beyond, why not choose taxidermy instead?  Honor her memory by keeping her around forever.  (At this point during the show, I demonstrate how to make an attractive end table out of a stuffed cat and a piece of wood and how to convert your big dog into a standing coat rack.)

Landfills Are for Suckers - We have to stop putting all our garbage in the ground because it will never decompose.  Instead, why not access Nature's Toilet?  My solution is throwing all our trash into the river because everyone knows that eventually every river feeds into the ocean.  Seventy percent of the earth is covered by water - let's use it to store our refuse so we can save our valuable landfills for public parks instead.

And then I end my interview with my book's tag line: 

"If you want to reduce your carbon footprint, stop wearing such floppy carbon shoes."

* * *

Fletch always said if he could explore my subconscious he'd need to take a flashlight... and a handgun.

Comments

[kristin]

I just found your blog, and I would totally come see you in person, and even shop for a fun spring dress in honor of the occasion; but I don't understand why you would totally miss out on visiting such a vital part of our country, a significant part of your fan base, a great tourist opportunity (Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, Finger Lakes wine country, the Jello Museum, and more)? Yes, I'm talking about Rochester and Upstate New York!

Please come soon.

[Paige]

So you're telling me you're even this funny WHILE SLEEPING?! That's just not fair.

[Karen Mc in Dallas]

Sqquuueeee!!!! Was at the Border's in the West Village yesterday to pick up the book recommended recently by Jen by Allison Winn Scotch. Imagine my delight when I saw "Such a Pretty Fat" already displayed for purchase!!!! Soooooo excited that I let out a whoop and truly embarassed myself!

[Christina Yamasaki]

OMG, I love this. I have the weirdest dreams too. And I also wake myself up laughing when I am stressed. My boyfriend thinks this is strangely cute.

I'd also like to say I recently picked up your books in a never ending quest for amazing chick lit, and was wonderfully surprised! I finished the first in about 5 hours (books to me = crack) and am halfway through the second. I read parts out loud to my boyfriend and he has decided the reason I like them is that you and I are the same. I haven't decided yet if that's good or bad. :)

Keep writing--you are amazing.

[Julie]

I am so glad I am not the only one to dream about rows of toilets with no dividers. Where does that come from? I also have this dream where I am late for high school and can't remember my locker number or combination. So I walk up and down the halls looking for my locker while everyone is rushing to class.

[Dani]

I should have known all I needed to cheer me up about the fact that I've been having totally frustrating dreams lately was some wisdom from Jen. I've also found that nothing takes a seriously depressing dream and makes it bearable like having magical super jumping powers...bummer setting, unfortunate people, lousy outcome...BUT HEY, I had magical jumping powers!

[patricia]

Dallas heart Jen Lancaster!

Excellent interview with O8sis.
Looking forward to your book signing on the 14th!

FYI: re your dog poop dilemma... there are companies that will come to your yard & clean it up for you. Pet Butler is one, & is a national chain, so might have a franchise in your area. They have fun slogans, like 'we're #1 with #2".

[beth]

I know this is strange, and I've never replied before but you were in my dream last night so I thought this the perfect time to finally comment. In the dream I met you at your book signing in Philadelphia. We were hanging out at a bar and all I really remember asking you is where you grew up because funnily enough I went to Lincoln school(in Wyckoff, NJ), lived in Chicago for 17 years and used to own one of those "chic" salons you frequented and wondered if perhaps our paths hadn't crossed previously. I also remember thanking you for writing the exact book I would have written if I had the talent and you encouraged me to try to write one. A tame dream, but it was funny to log on today and read your dreams post. Looking forward to the book signing.

[Paloma]

Haha, every other breath.

[Laurie]

FYI: I finished your book while laying by the pool this week and hating myself in a bathing suit and you have inspired me to go back to WW!! Your/Fletch/Yoda's Motto is very inspiring to me and now I am going to be a Doer!! Thanks for a wonderful book, cant wait to see you in Seattle!!

[Laurie]

FYI: I finished your book while laying by the pool this week and hating myself in a bathing suit and you have inspired me to go back to WW!! Your/Fletch/Yoda's Motto is very inspiring to me and now I am going to be a Doer!! Thanks for a wonderful book, cant wait to see you in Seattle!!

[December]

I just had a dream about our mutual acquaintance Jess Riley - She was supposed to give a book reading, but it turned into a seminar on Prairie skirts and vests.
I didn't want to take this seminar, since I don't look good in prairie skirts (I do look smashing in vests.)

So I decided to take a shower, and dry off with a clear plastic Raincoat.

Jess didn't seem to mind.

[Sara Ralph]

"instead of Jonathan getting airlifted out three damn episodes into the Fans vs. Favorites season, Parvati will get eaten by a Bengal tiger"

Love it, love it, love it!

I am reading your new book and I love the comment early on about how a life without cookies is probably not worth living. We're also the same size (well, the size you were before your weight loss) so I am hoping for some inspiration from the book.

[Kirsten]

One night I was reading Bright Lights in bed before sleeping and that night I woke myself up laughing as if the most hillarious thing ever had just happened. totally freaked out my ex. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" I have no idea what I was dreaming about. Must have been about the book though cause it def makes me laugh out loud.

[Lisa Johnson]

Last nights dream, I'm vacationing in Rome and all I have for footwear is flip flops. I'm milling around outside an Italian Target/Walmart waiting for them to open frantically asking the locals where the shoe aisle is so I can quickly get there as soon as the store opens. They keep looking down at my feet and sneering because I'm offending their culture with my sandals.

[MJ]

Jen, Love your books and love your blog (although I just recently 'discovered' you, since I'm a new mom and parenting books have occupied my free time away from the office). Glad I found out that I'm not the only ex-sorority chick that makes snarky comments about almost everyone I meet, goes to the gym in full-on makeup and pearls, and lives to shop for nice stuff.

Your dreams are hilarious - thanks for sharing them with us!! FYI, I have a recurring dream where I'm locked in a mall overnight and I'm on roller skates, and I keep skating from store to store and trying on all the clothes, but I get really pi$$ed because I can't get the pants up over my skates! Can't wait to meet you at your reading in DC.

[Jacqueline]

No joke--One of my dearest friends is a producer on Road Rules. Want me to put a good word in for you? Or better yet..maybe we can somehow "draft" your brother into it?

Unrelated, I know, but am HEARTBROKEN I have to be out of town on Wednesday for your NY reading. Just got the word I have to fly to freaking MICHIGAN. (No offense, Michigan). I was really looking forward to stuttering ridiculously again when you sign my book. Hope the reading goes well. You rock those cute shoes and that hot dress, girl. Spill one for your homie exiled in Michigan.

[Jill]

Jen, to comment on the "boring dreams" - this may actually be a sign of your highly superior intelligence! I teach human physiology and one of the things we talk about is how scientists think that part of the purpose of dreaming is to practice and perfect things that we do every day, enhancing long term memories. So, you think your internet explorer dreams are boring, but scientists think that you are practicing and perfecting the perfect way to get the best deal possible on a new pair of shoes!

[magpie]

Tears running down my face funny. Seriously.

[rachel]

I. LOVE. YOU.

[A Jill of All Trades]

Um...I think you're dreams would qualify as some bizarre kind of catalyst to another untold story.

Yeah. The first dream sounds like something out of Scary Movie....a parody.

I like it. Keep on dreamin'!!

[marta]

What a nice subconsience you have, to give you funny dreams when stressed! I have had some HOT dreams with Brad Pitt, where Brad wants me,,BADLY! Last time Angelina showed up too. Brad and I tried to play it cool, but she could tell what was going on and was all whiny and bitchy.. Hmmm, so I guess my subconsience is.. narcissistic? and well,,horny... Hate to wake up from those!

[Rebecca]

Love your books. Love your blog. Thought I would finally share something...(Could possibly be the rum induced web surfing buzz too). A little while ago I had a dream that there was a person whose head was a giant plasma TV and when you met this person they would play flashbacks of your life for you on the screen. Strange.

Did anyone give you some hippy feedback on what your dreams mean? Just for shits and giggles I look it up sometimes. I googled yours (again, probably the rum).

From DreamMoods.com website: "To dream that someone is stealing your credit cards, suggests that something or someone is robbing you of vital energy."

And Dream Moods says that wrestling "signifies that your are grappling with a problem in your personal or professional life. You are dealing with ideas and habits that need to be brought back into control."

So, get the hubby to make you a martini and order out some dinner. You obviously have problems (at least that is a good excuse).

[donna]

take every other breath .. . bwahahaha!
OH, and my husband stakes claim on the trash in the ocean idea, seriously!

[Betsy]

Jen,
I just finished reading the chapter of Bright Lights Big Ass where Fletch chases the Coyote. Seeing as they just killed a cougar in Roscoe Village, I'm not that surprised. But I was wondering, what was Fletch planning to do if he had actually caught up with the coyote? I know I'm going to dream something bizzaro tonight because of this story.

[Malia]

Jen, I once had a dream that Mulder and I (yes, Mulder from the X-Files) were on a mission to destroy a giant cheeseburger that was eating my hometown. FYI, I come from a Boston suburb with 1800 people and a feral goat problem: we're not interesting enough for a giant cheeseburger to invade and want to eat our residents. Anyway, Mulder and I roll up in our Hummer and start shooting the giant cheeseburger with AK-47s; unfortunately, Mulder becomes a martyr for the cause when the cheeseburger eats HIM, but on the bright side it gives me the impetus put a slug in his weak spot (a pickle), and make him break into a billion normal-sized cheeseburgers that I give to the children of Africa to solve world hunger.

Of course, most nights, my dreams involve taking out red-eye with Photoshop and calling angry parents who want to know why their yearbook hasn't arrived yet - in other words, what I do at work.

[Krin]

FYI, Stacey, they get paid 5 thousand for a weeks worth of "work," and they get to keep any of the prize money... And how are people getting this book Early!?! All my bookstores are rather rude about the fact that it doesn't come out until next week. JEALOUS!

[Sarah]

I have now learned my lesson and will not read this while I'm at work or in a crowded public place because people will give me weird looks.
Also apparently I shouldn't have pre-ordered your book from Amazon as it's the last place to get it... Oh well, I'll have it soon enough. If I got it now, I'm sure I would bomb my final and never finish my huge paper.

[jay]

Thank you! I totally needed that laughter! Such a Pretty Fat has been making me laugh out loud a lot this week too. You rock :)

[Roni]

SORRY! I meant to put that comment under "Fact or Fiction" OOPS!! I'm such a knothead sometimes. Anyway, you are the funniest person I've ever had the pleasure to read!! :)

[Roni]

I never thought you were'nt telling us the truth! :) I think you are an amazing talent and you make my world so much happier when I read your books!! THANK YOU!!

[Bailey]

I was laughing out loud reading your dreams--which is making it really hard to pretend I'm working and not reading blogs at work.

[Nicky]

Just as I'm reading the first dream, which is hilarious, a co-worker's cell phone starts chiming. The ringtone? Theme from the Exorcist, of course.

[The Wife]

I love that you are sarcastic and hysterical even in your dreams.

[Suzanne]

I knew there was a reason I look at your blog in the late afternoon when I'm about to go crazy at work. Totally made me laugh.
I had a dream once where I was waiting for my brother in the produce department of a grocery store and the Three Tenors were there singing Ole Solo Mio ....

[Shan]

I'm with Andria -- the anxiety dream is usually the only one I remember. It's all about school and exams I'm not prepared for - particulary calculus (Gaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!). Also, am usually naked or in bad nightgown and in desperate need of a pedicure. Paging all analysts! (And estheticians)

Jen, I saw a sci fi movie where they were recording dreams. Jennsylvania pals get first dibs on your reels if they ever manage it.

[deb]

ummm, not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but you have the funniest, wierdest, most vivid dreams when you are pregnant. I type that hesitantly because I know from your books you don't want children. crossing my fingers for you.
Oh, and I cannot wait to get your new book, I pre-ordered it on Amazon...counting the days!

[Chelsie]

Um that first dream is hilarious. Thank you for sharing. I had a dream last night that i was at a water park and i was trying to teach an old man to go down the water slide and his wooden leg kept coming off..lol. Wierd

[Sarah]

I dream about toilets and bathrooms ALL THE TIME. I've dreamt about huge bathrooms with rows and rows of toilets, but no dividers in-between. Trying to find a secluded toilet, but someone always sits beside me. Or giant toilets with a bunch of people perched on the edges. Sometimes I dream that I can't find a bathroom, so I pull down my pants, sit on a chair, and pee. Then in the morning, I'm really paranoid that I actually did pee on a chair... I dreamt that my boyfriend was yelling at me for peeing on chairs.

[Brandy]

LMAO I wish my dreams were that good. I have the same two recurring dreams that I've had since high school. One involves the road to my grandparents' house, which dips way down between two ponds, that I always dream is a shaky wooden bridge over lava (à la Bowser's Castle from Super Mario Bros.), or a combination of my high school/college/some random HUGE school that I always get lost in.

[jenmakesmehorselaugh]

great dreams and all, but really Im just curious to why amazon cant go ahead and send me my book. I want it now, I knew I should have went ahead with the super fast shipping. Damn it, I cant wait.

[amanda]

I wish I had dreams like that when I was stressed. My stress dreams are always the same: I'm in college, I thought I dropped a class but I didn't do it properly, so I'm expected to take a final exam after never having been to class. Horrible!

Something like that happened to me in reality, only I didn't drop the class, I just skipped almost every class. I showed up one day to find out that the midterm was that day! Got a C+. Not too bad....

[Andria]

Too funny! I always write the most PERFECT blog entries as I am falling asleep. They are wonderful, insightful, and I always think- there is NO way that I will forget the words spewing through my brain.
The next morning, I can't remember crap.

[Stacey]

I too wonder what all the Gauntlet participants do in REAL life! How do you survive as a 40 year old contestant on MTV? How much do these people get paid for their a month long Field Day? Although, I'll probably still be watching Road Rules XXXIX when it comes out in 2024...

I also once had a dream that I was late to a high school dance because I couldn't get in my bathroom to get ready. Because my toaster was taking too long of a shower. Weird.

[Jumpin on My Last Nerve]

Hysterical! I do the same thing when stressed out. I had a dream the other night where Tom Cruise & Katie were great friends with me and DH (I'm not a huge fan of either). They would come over when they wanted to "get away from it all" and we would play endless games of scrabble while our kiddies played together. Freaky!

[Lynn in Canada]

I actually just read on-line that your body can be used to heat homes. Apparently in some places in Europre creamtoiums have been hooked up to power the city. The heat used can generate power for everyone. Yeah.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/04/30/dead.bodies/index.html

[Jeannine]

Oh. My. God. Exercised OR exorcised?? Grooooooooan. Not gonna lie though - I laughed. I'm jealous, though. I can't even remember my dreams let alone manage to be punny. So kudos to you.

[Scargosun]

I am not sure why but I keep laughing at the part about the Laura Ingalls dress.

[The Muse]

Those dreams are HILARIOUS. I love the exercise/exorcise remark... (and my younger sister would do the same thing with the credit card and take it out of my purse).

I once had a dream where all of my friends turned into vampires while I was hosting a dinner party at my castle (snort) in Ireland. I woke up laughing because I was throwing steaks at them... yeah, nice cuts of filet mignon hurling through the air.

[Shannon]

Recycling dream is funny! I wouldn't share it in P-town though--you know we have tons of damn dirty hippies that might actually REALLY try to do those things. So, then, we're stepping over semi-conscious hippies on our way into Nordies. Just sayin', is all.