Or Maybe I Should Just Stop Doing Meth Before Bed?

Many authors are inspired by their dreams, creating interesting characters and dramatic plot points courtesy of their subconscious.  Sometimes when they're writing and they can't quite get the story to flow, they'll go to sleep and their dreams will provide crystal clarity as to exactly what should happen next. 

You know why I don't write fiction? 

Because my dreams are boring. 

Almost every night as I lay me down to sleep, I end up with dreams that are a complete rehash of my day.  If I spend the day gardening, I will tend that same green patch in my dreams.  If I'm online a lot, my dreams will feature Internet Explorer and familiar websites.  If I watch television before bed, I'll dream about Survivor.  Maybe my subconscious will add a small plot twist, like instead of Jonathan getting airlifted out three damn episodes into the Fans vs. Favorites season, Parvati will get eaten by a Bengal tiger  - oh, wait, that's a fantasy, not a dream - but that's generally about as creative as I get.

However, when I'm under a lot of stress, my subconscious will cut me a small break and not make me rehash everything that's making me anxious.  Instead, I'll have funny dreams.  And I must be all freaked out right now, because for the past few days I've woken up to the sound of my own laughter.

Here's what I can remember...

DREAM ONE - THE POWER OF CITIBANK COMPELS YOU

My brother is forcing me to be a member of the Road Rules/Real World Gauntlet cast.  I do NOT want to participate, but he makes me do it anyway because he's a jerk even in my dreams.  I keep bitching that I'm too old for this kind of stuff, but my brother says no one's as old as Big Beth and if she's still doing challenges, then I can't pull the age card.  (Anyone who watches fine, fine MTV reality programming will understand this.  The rest of you might want to skip to the second, less esoteric dream.)

There are about sixteen of us left in the Gauntlet competition and we're paired up in male/female teams of two, placed in line chronologically.  I'm matched with Jon from the LA season of The Real World and I'm pissed that not only do I have to do a stupid physical challenge, but also because Jon and I are the oldest group.  I'm still all, "I'm 40 - why am I on MTV?"

I stand in line and fidget, totally dreading my turn in the wrestling challenge.  (Which is taking place in my parents' old garage, BTW.)  I'm not afraid of getting beaten, I just that I don't want to make the effort.  I'm tired and lazy and old.  As I explain to Jon, "Wrestling is really hard work."  I whine, I moan, and I complain to the point my brother decides that I have a bad attitude not because I'm 40 and still doing reality television, but because I've been possessed by a demon.  So, he yanks me out of the competition.

We go inside and he orders me to get into bed in my old room while he consults the Yellow Pages to find a priest specializing in demon possession.  He finds one rather quickly and the priest comes over bearing a cross, holy water, and a laminated pamphlet with pricing on it.  My brother can choose between single, weekly, or monthly sessions.  He tells the priest, "She's REALLY possessed.  Let's do the six month package for $279."

Then my brother gets my purse and grabs MY credit card to pay for the priest's services. 

OK, this? 

Right here? 

Is the exact kind of dick move my brother would pull in real life.

The priest takes out a portable credit card verification machine and he tries to run my card.  But every time he attempts to punch in the numbers, the demon inside of me mixes them up.  The bank name on the card keeps changing, too.  The more the priest tries to run it, the more the numbers change 'til the point where they perpetually flip, like that big National Debt clock.  The scene gets tense and my brother and the priest grow angrier and angrier.

So there I am, strapped to the carved cherry wood twin bed of my childhood, wearing a Laura Ingalls Wilder-type nightgown while my brother and the priest shout at me to knock it off so they can run the damn card already. 

My response?

"I guess I don't like to be exercised OR exorcised."

(And that's when my laughter woke me up.)

* * *

DREAM TWO - REDUCE, REUSE, RETARD

I'm in a television studio, dressed in a lovely organic burlap suit, being interviewed on a national morning show.  I'm there because I've written a new book about saving the environment and I'm offering viewers on some handy tips. 

(I wish I'd written them down as soon as I woke up but I didn't, so here are the three I remember.)

Take Every OTHER Breath - Americans are the largest consumers of fresh air on the planet.  If our citizens would stop sucking so damn much wind and only take breaths when we feel like we're about to pass out, we could reduce our carbon dioxide emissions by 60%.

Recycle EVERYTHING - So many of us choose to cremate out pets when they pass on.  But cremation puts pollutants into the air.  So when Fluffy crosses over to The Great Beyond, why not choose taxidermy instead?  Honor her memory by keeping her around forever.  (At this point during the show, I demonstrate how to make an attractive end table out of a stuffed cat and a piece of wood and how to convert your big dog into a standing coat rack.)

Landfills Are for Suckers - We have to stop putting all our garbage in the ground because it will never decompose.  Instead, why not access Nature's Toilet?  My solution is throwing all our trash into the river because everyone knows that eventually every river feeds into the ocean.  Seventy percent of the earth is covered by water - let's use it to store our refuse so we can save our valuable landfills for public parks instead.

And then I end my interview with my book's tag line: 

"If you want to reduce your carbon footprint, stop wearing such floppy carbon shoes."

* * *

Fletch always said if he could explore my subconscious he'd need to take a flashlight... and a handgun.

Comments

[Kristi]

OMG...I am cracking up! I, too, have bizarro dreams when I'm stressed/anxious (which is most days!), though I rarely remember the wackiness the next morning. Thanks for sharing and for the laughs this morning!

[Heather in AK]

One time during my 12 years in college to get my double BA's, I was studying for a Calculus test. I could not figure out the formula. Out of frustration, I went to bed. I dreamt about the equation and was able to process it. I went on to Ace that part of the exam. Saved my butt because it was like the third time I had tried to take Calc. One of the reasons it took me 12 years to double major.

[Angela]

Just wanted to share an exciting moment. I was shopping around the local DC Borders when on the "New Paperbacks" table I see a stack of "Such a Pretty Fat." Thinking it was a farce, since Amazon says its release is not until May 6, I pick it up, open it and yes! it is your new book available for purchase! So excited! Now I can't wait to read it :) Congratulations, Jen!

[Stephanie]

Jen, that is hilarious! I have to tell you though, I had a dream about you last night, so it is funny that you posted about dreams today! I am re-reading your first 2 books before the new one next week, so I guess that you were on my mind. I am heading to Chicago in June with my sister and that's where my dream took place.

Here's what happened...My sister and I were in a Payless Shoe Store and you were the girl behind the counter. But you didn't look like you, you had long hair and it was pulled into a ponytail on the top of your head. But I knew it was you because you were wearing your pearls! I don't remember much more that that. I hope that if I do ever run into you, it's not at Payless!

[JenBun]

OK, those dreams are HILARIOUS!!! The last line of the Exorcist dream, and the entirety of the Recycling dream, have me cracking up over here.

I tend to dream about very strange, overly emotional things. Sometimes they are funny, but usually they are only amusing after I wake up. Last night was no exception-- I'm just WEIRD in my dreams! :)

[Shannon]

Recycling dream is funny! I wouldn't share it in P-town though--you know we have tons of damn dirty hippies that might actually REALLY try to do those things. So, then, we're stepping over semi-conscious hippies on our way into Nordies. Just sayin', is all.

[The Muse]

Those dreams are HILARIOUS. I love the exercise/exorcise remark... (and my younger sister would do the same thing with the credit card and take it out of my purse).

I once had a dream where all of my friends turned into vampires while I was hosting a dinner party at my castle (snort) in Ireland. I woke up laughing because I was throwing steaks at them... yeah, nice cuts of filet mignon hurling through the air.

[Scargosun]

I am not sure why but I keep laughing at the part about the Laura Ingalls dress.

[Jeannine]

Oh. My. God. Exercised OR exorcised?? Grooooooooan. Not gonna lie though - I laughed. I'm jealous, though. I can't even remember my dreams let alone manage to be punny. So kudos to you.

[Lynn in Canada]

I actually just read on-line that your body can be used to heat homes. Apparently in some places in Europre creamtoiums have been hooked up to power the city. The heat used can generate power for everyone. Yeah.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/04/30/dead.bodies/index.html

[Jumpin on My Last Nerve]

Hysterical! I do the same thing when stressed out. I had a dream the other night where Tom Cruise & Katie were great friends with me and DH (I'm not a huge fan of either). They would come over when they wanted to "get away from it all" and we would play endless games of scrabble while our kiddies played together. Freaky!

[Stacey]

I too wonder what all the Gauntlet participants do in REAL life! How do you survive as a 40 year old contestant on MTV? How much do these people get paid for their a month long Field Day? Although, I'll probably still be watching Road Rules XXXIX when it comes out in 2024...

I also once had a dream that I was late to a high school dance because I couldn't get in my bathroom to get ready. Because my toaster was taking too long of a shower. Weird.

[Andria]

Too funny! I always write the most PERFECT blog entries as I am falling asleep. They are wonderful, insightful, and I always think- there is NO way that I will forget the words spewing through my brain.
The next morning, I can't remember crap.

[amanda]

I wish I had dreams like that when I was stressed. My stress dreams are always the same: I'm in college, I thought I dropped a class but I didn't do it properly, so I'm expected to take a final exam after never having been to class. Horrible!

Something like that happened to me in reality, only I didn't drop the class, I just skipped almost every class. I showed up one day to find out that the midterm was that day! Got a C+. Not too bad....

[jenmakesmehorselaugh]

great dreams and all, but really Im just curious to why amazon cant go ahead and send me my book. I want it now, I knew I should have went ahead with the super fast shipping. Damn it, I cant wait.

[Brandy]

LMAO I wish my dreams were that good. I have the same two recurring dreams that I've had since high school. One involves the road to my grandparents' house, which dips way down between two ponds, that I always dream is a shaky wooden bridge over lava (à la Bowser's Castle from Super Mario Bros.), or a combination of my high school/college/some random HUGE school that I always get lost in.

[Sarah]

I dream about toilets and bathrooms ALL THE TIME. I've dreamt about huge bathrooms with rows and rows of toilets, but no dividers in-between. Trying to find a secluded toilet, but someone always sits beside me. Or giant toilets with a bunch of people perched on the edges. Sometimes I dream that I can't find a bathroom, so I pull down my pants, sit on a chair, and pee. Then in the morning, I'm really paranoid that I actually did pee on a chair... I dreamt that my boyfriend was yelling at me for peeing on chairs.

[Chelsie]

Um that first dream is hilarious. Thank you for sharing. I had a dream last night that i was at a water park and i was trying to teach an old man to go down the water slide and his wooden leg kept coming off..lol. Wierd

[deb]

ummm, not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but you have the funniest, wierdest, most vivid dreams when you are pregnant. I type that hesitantly because I know from your books you don't want children. crossing my fingers for you.
Oh, and I cannot wait to get your new book, I pre-ordered it on Amazon...counting the days!

[Shan]

I'm with Andria -- the anxiety dream is usually the only one I remember. It's all about school and exams I'm not prepared for - particulary calculus (Gaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!). Also, am usually naked or in bad nightgown and in desperate need of a pedicure. Paging all analysts! (And estheticians)

Jen, I saw a sci fi movie where they were recording dreams. Jennsylvania pals get first dibs on your reels if they ever manage it.

[Suzanne]

I knew there was a reason I look at your blog in the late afternoon when I'm about to go crazy at work. Totally made me laugh.
I had a dream once where I was waiting for my brother in the produce department of a grocery store and the Three Tenors were there singing Ole Solo Mio ....

[The Wife]

I love that you are sarcastic and hysterical even in your dreams.

[Nicky]

Just as I'm reading the first dream, which is hilarious, a co-worker's cell phone starts chiming. The ringtone? Theme from the Exorcist, of course.

[Bailey]

I was laughing out loud reading your dreams--which is making it really hard to pretend I'm working and not reading blogs at work.

[Roni]

I never thought you were'nt telling us the truth! :) I think you are an amazing talent and you make my world so much happier when I read your books!! THANK YOU!!