Smokey, Smokey, Smokey

The last post may have given you the impression that I've been doing nothing but buying cute dresses to prepare myself for the tour. 

That's not at all true - it's just that I've purchased almost nothing but Champion t-shirts and mesh workout bottoms for the last year, so shopping for pretty stuff has been a delight.  (Especially since new shoes may or may not have been involved.) 

In case you're wondering, here's what I got:

Available from Nordstrom.com.

(I got these exact same shoes, only in taupe, available on Zappos.com.  They look really comfortable, but trust me, it's an illusion.)

This swirly-skirted dress comes in white, chocolate, or lilac.  I picked lilac because the beads are silver.  I got it at Vive La Femme on Damen Ave in Chicago, possibly the greatest store ever for items size 12 and up.  (Not local?  Buy it on Alight.com.)

I bought these shoes for my book events last year and will be pairing them with the lilac dress.

They are, hmm... what's the word I'm looking for?  Oh, yes, CRIPPLING.  They cause pain to shoot up my spine with every step I take.  Yet they completely dress up shorts and a polo shirt, so you can see my dilemma.

This one's available on LolaandGigi.com.  The weird thing is, I got this exact same dress in person at Nordstrom and the label says Jessica Howard Woman but the one online is by Donna Rico.  It's almost as though these dresses were all made in the same factory in China and someone simply slapped a different label on them depending on vendor.  But that would be impossible, right?  (I also got a boring white cardigan and black shrug to wear over these because I care not to expose my armpits in a formal setting.) 

Regardless, the impromptu fatty fashion fiesta was not the intended purpose of this post but it illustrates my point nicely.  I have 10,000 things yet to do, thus I have been procrastinating like crazy.  This aversion to finishing my tasks has led me directly to the internet.  Normally I'm a lurker - I read scads of blogs but never comment.  But since commenting is much more pleasant than say, reorganizing my closet or raking up the mountain of defrosted dog poop in the backyard, I've suddenly become prolific.

Because I should strive to be more prolific on my own website, I'm going to give you the long version of the key-losing-neighbor from a couple of days ago.  Here goes:

A bothersome family moved out of the house two doors down last month.  No surprise, I was thrilled to see them go.  They bugged me because they had a very nice, private backyard with lots of lawn furniture, but they preferred to gather up all their friends and family, sit on their front stoop in kitchen chairs, and shout to each other, leading to my never being able to watch TV with the windows open for two summers running.  (FYI, it took them weeks to clear out of their house because there's apparently a rule in this 'hood that you aren't allowed to rent a truck or hire a moving van and there's only so much furniture a 15 year old Chevy Malibu can transport in one trip.)

So, it's a Friday night and Fletch has his friend Hurricane Joel over for cigars and rye and Military TV programming.  After Joel goes, I pour Fletch into bed.  (No one survives a night out with Joel.  NO ONE.)  As I'm closing the curtains, I see two huge men park their big red car in the middle of the street.  I notice they start poking around a couple of the other cars up and down the block, including mine.  They don't actually put their hands on my vehicle, but they keep diving under it.  They're super loud and they've got their headlights shining directly on themselves.  I figure if they're car thieves, they aren't particularly good ones.

I attempt to rally Fletch, but all he does is mumble, "Smokey smokey smokey," into his pillow before passing out again, so it's up to me to deal with the situation.  I'm trying desperately to stop going Gladys Kravitz all over everyone's asses because it would be nice if at least someone in the neighborhood didn't hate me.  In neighborly solidarity, I let the situation play out a little longer.  The guys poke around a while more and then I see the bigger of the two guys open up a Zippo and dive under my car again. 

OK, smile and wave at people on my street in an insincere attempt to be more friendly?  Yes.  Willingly allow arson?  No.  I call the police and they arrive in record time.

The police talk to the two guys for a few minutes and then drive away, leading me to assume they aren't criminals and are neighbors who have lost something.  But what?  Maybe someone dropped a stone out of her ring while shoving a plastic potted tree in the passenger seat?  Possibly a wallet fell out of the pants riding mid-thigh on the gentleman with the bass loud enough to rattle my fillings?  Obviously the missing item was valuable enough to keep up the midnight recovery effort.  However, even if they are my neighbors, they're still strangers and I'm not about to dash out in the dark and volunteer to help.   

The two guys continue to light their lighters and dive under cars.  I watch as they leave them open long enough to get hot, then flick them closed and wave their burned fingers in the air.  Sometimes they pause, dust off their knees, and scratch their heads.  Finally, one of them opens his cell phone and uses the dial light to illuminate the ground under my car. 

This little dance goes on for FOUR HOURS.

Lighter, OWIE, cellphone, head scratch.

Lighter, OWIE, cellphone, head scratch.

Lighter, OWIE, cellphone, head scratch.

I am flabbergasted at their lack of problem solving skills.  As the night proceeds, I find a million different ways to locate the lost object myself. 

I drive to any one of a dozen all-night grocery stores in the vicinity and buy a flashlight. 

I knock on neighbors' doors, explain what I've lost, and ask to borrow a broom, rake, or shovel to scoop out the contents of what's below the cars.

I decide the missing object is a key, so I call a locksmith because the phone in my hand is more than just a very dim source of light. 

I call a friend to help.

I say, "Fuck it," and come back as soon as it gets light out.

At no point would I use my lighter on a McDonald's cup, only to be shocked at its sudden, violent incandescent, thus singeing off my eyebrows and setting fire to the brim of my hat.  I'd probably also forgive my friend for hitting me in the face in an attempt to douse the flames and would not let the situation devolve into a shove fest.  And were I to engage in these actions, I wouldn't blame my friend for screaming, "Fucking burn next time then!" either.

At this point I go to bed because the show can't possibly get any better.  But I have to sleep in the guest room at the back of the house because of all the I-burnt-my-eyebrows-off noise out front.  Also, Fletch smells like a bachelor party.

The following Monday I'm coming back from the gym and the two guys are on the street again, only this time they're busy moving furniture out of their car and into the old neighbors' house. 

Of course they are.

They call me over to say hello.  They're very friendly despite the fact they've only got one set of eyebrows between them.  We chat for a couple of minutes and I learn about the lost key, but I don't mention my having called the police.  I just smile and nod.  Look at me, what a good neighbor! 

Then one of them tries to sell me a box of meat out of his trunk. 

And I... I... I give up.  I excuse myself abruptly and dash into my house. 

Someday I'll live in a neighborhood where people don't set their hair on fire or try to sell me a trunk full of flank steaks. 

'Til then, I'll keep buying pretty dresses and uncomfortable shoes so I look nice when I get to meet you all and tell you the stories in person.

Comments

[SarahO]

Love the yellow dress especially. And yes, all shoes with itty bitty skinny soles will cripple even the most stalwart fashionista.

And I'm sure your new neighbors will continue to provide you - and us - with excellent material all summer.

[AlaskaMe]

I have lived in the same neighborhood for five years - most of us are owners and most of my neighbors are older and have no tolerance for renters who tend to be younger. However I have always been a great neighbor and we all look out for each other however in the last 8 months I have apparently turned into the one to watch and talk about. This might have something to do with me passing out on my front porch in a mini skirt with it 20 degrees outside. So if you feel you ever need a change of venue there are a few places available in my neighborhood and plenty to keep you entertained. Of course you would have to be completely mad and off your rocker to want to move up here.

[Mickey]

WHOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!

After reading Jane's comment above, I raced over to Borders and discovered that they too had Such A Pretty Fat on the shelves! And yes, I bought a copy on the spot. Jen, you totally ROCK!

Oh,and the dresses are gorgeous.

[kendallini]

I feel the dress pain. I have been killing myself to find super cute summer dresses/clothes that make me look "in season" but 10 pounds lighter.”... Just finished a 30 day online binge racking up close to 3K in visa charges to get a range of options to choose from... In my defense, I plan on returning everything that does not work which will cut my bill by 80% or more and cause sales people across America to hate me. Plus someone needs to show America they have consumer confidence this quarter so we do not fall into a definitional recession that the dems can use against us come election time.
Anyway, the truth is that if you need clothes in a size larger than 10, online shopping is the best way to do it if you find the right brands. With that spirit in mind, I thought I would share the results of my experiment with the seasons hottest fashions. These suggestions are for any of you who are about size 12 (or in that range or larger) with large ta-tas and an otherwise curvy shape.

1) White Stretch Jeans. I hate the assclown who thought this was a good trend for the average sized woman. The jeans look great in ads, but somehow they fit real arses and thighs so much worse. With that said, the assclown inventor is also a mad genius because people have to buy several pairs because they stain so easily and are the most versatile bottoms for 2008 summer fashion. Anyway, after trying on 9 pairs, the winner for best fit for a semi-fatty is: The Noir Snowflower Bootleg Jean at White House Black Market. They have roomy thighs and a larger band at the waist than premium denim. Plus they are so cheap (now $49.99 from $88.00) Picture below.

Noir Snowflower Bootleg Jean
SALE! $49.99 (was $88.00 )

2) Gladiator Sandals. Let’s be blunt and honest on this trend—Athenian warrior chic is wildly unattractive with every piece of clothing other than a toga… or my secret discovery. Here it is: White patent T-strap gladiator heeled sandals with white jeans- dramatically elongate the leg because the white T-strap keeps pulling your eye down giving you another few visual inches. They do, however, hurt your feet like a MF… I am just more willing than a few of you to ensure mind numbing pain for the appearance of thinner thighs.

3) Maxi Dress. These are straight out of Mrs. Roper’s dressing room. But damn do they help out us big boobed, big hipped gals. This is a must buy if nothing else, where it around the house because you look hot, but feel like you are in your PJs. Plus you would be amazed at the amount of stomach/lower body spanx you can wear under than puppy- try walking around the house for awhile because I overspanxed and they had me walking like Igor from Young Frankenstein.. The best fit for me was the Lipstick red Patio Dress from Splendid. They sell is at Cusp.com But the bolder patterns are more forgiving.

CUSP

4) J.Crew- Most of my budget was spent here- and I had to return almost everything but a hot pink t-shirt. The fabrics were very thin or shiny. Everything looks great online, but I did not like any of it in person.

5) Yellow- My Yellow Shoes and Yellow Belt are going back this week. I have tried every outfit under the sun with either or both of them and can’t find anything I would wear out the house. For whatever reason, it is something that looks like it would work but is hard to pull off.

6) Tory Burch- Everything she makes is super cute. Love the totes, the Reva clutches and her signature tunics. If you need to hide your thighs in your white jeans, give this a whirl.

[Michelle BB]

I have complete dress envy. So much so that I now must go out and buy a stable of cute, work-wearable dresses (with matching adorable pumps).

My credit card companies thank you.

[Lauren]

Dangit, Jen, your dress-buying bonanza (I totally remember those cute shoes from last year, btw) inspired me to go shopping this weekend.

I who hate clothes shopping actually bought SIX DRESSES. Wholesale clothing stores and two-for-one deals in Lakeview will do that to a girl.

I will most likely be wearing one of said dresses on May 6th. Can't wait!

[BlondeMafia]

We're bringing a bunch of girls to see you in Philly. Can't wait!! we've nominated you to be our leader :)

[Dana Whitaker]

I totally less than three that second dress. I mean, they are all cute, but I lurrve the swirly one with the beading. because I have no chest, though, that style doesn't look so good on me. The flowy skirt is awesome for disguising my fat ass, but I can't fill up the top part at all.

[Heather B.]

I was totally planning on going naked (or pajamas if I'm not feeling totally indolent) to your reading but you've inspired me to actually get dressed. So Thanks, Jen!

You're going to look all cute and shit and I'm going to look like something that got run over by an Uptown bus. But I'll be sober this time!

[Traci Anne]

Damn it Jen, you're putting a severe damper on my search for super cute bejeweled sandals, primarily because I. Want. Those. You'll be wearing one of these cute dresses to your signing in NYC, yes? Because now we're going to expect it. Just saying.

[Dianne]

all those dresses rock and would totally make my size 20 body look more like a 16/18. but wow, the prices! i have champagne taste on a school teacher budget. do you know of any websites that have less expensive prices with the same fabulous style?

[Beth]

Very fashionable choices, I must say (please imagine that said a la Ed Grimley) -- cannot WAIT to see you in DC in a couple of weeks. I've had the babysitter lined up for, oh -- probably a month now.

[JenBun]

LOVE the dresses!!! Love.

And, OMG, your new neighbors are IDIOTS!!! At least they provide good blog fodder... :D

[Paloma]

OMG, you are hilarious. I can't wait to read one of your books. Apparently all my friends are doing it, and after reading your blog, I know why (cause you are funny, DUH!)!!!

Will you be in Sacramento on tour?

[BAngieB]

Easy Spirit.com - I'm telling you, I have the cutest shoes from there and they are always comfortable. The sizes are always consistent so it's easy to order. My favorites are a pair of moss green suede kitten-heel, pointy-toe pumps, and a pair of red patent, sling-back, peep-toe flats with a silver buckle.
Try it.

[Nicole]

I promise to think you look pretty without remembering that you live next door to a key-trolling, trunk meat salesman.

[Beauty411]

The dresses are totally cute! (Making a note to check out those sites). And having just come back from shoe shopping, there are so many evil, crippling shoes out now. But what about your makeup? C'mon, I want the dets! I always worry about commenting v. lurking, too, which is weird, cuz generally I have an opinion on everything.

[teachergirl]

I can't wait for you to get to Atlanta. Just.Can't.Wait. The stories we could share. The Cosmos we could drink. I'll be wearing my pearls. Oh wait.

[Sally]

Downstairs neighbor inadvertently set his apartment on fire. Had no gas for a week, apartment smelled like smoke for 2 weeks then mold due to the massive amounts of water the fire department used to put out the fire. When they redid his unit, they failed to put any insulation in his ceiling/our floor. So now I can hear him burp, microwave his dinner, snore, talk on the phone...luckily he's not getting any.

[Katherine]

A bone to pick - where the hell were those dresses when I was 50 odd pounds heavier (and... pounds makes me feel so heavy. Covert your weight to kilos like we do, instantly half your size!)
No, no pretty dresses for me, I was stuck in sweatshirts and stretchy jeans.

(AND, do we have a release date for your book in Australia? I'm running out of legitimate excuses to not study, help me out here)

[HoosierHeather]

Thanks for leading me to two great shops for summer dresses that will fit me!! I'll be so thrilled to wear those on "Snappy Casual" evenings at my upcoming sorority convention (with pearls, of course!)

By the way, when are you coming to Indy, and where will you be appearing?

[sizzle]

Well, shit. Now I have to go shopping.

(Cute dresses!)

[CanadianGirl]

Ummm so I check out Lola and Gigi because every curvey girl needs new clothes that don't make her look 80 !! Turns out it is 1/2 hr from my house!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!

[Jen Vegas]

I will totally trade neighbors with you! I live across the street from The Charleston and a posse of middle-aged, hipster moped enthusiasts..can you come over and yell at them for me?

Also, Viva La Femme is the best store ever. Everything is lovely and the woman who owns the place (whose name escapes me at the moment) is funny and smart and awesome. We used to drink together at WP/BT Chamber of Commerce Events...which is probably why I can't remember her name damn those open bar events!

[Jackie]

If you were my neighbor you would laugh your butt off at me and my family. I always seem to do something embarrassing in front of my neighbors. Picture this: My husband and I with my son watching were trying to get rid of a lilac bush that was more like a tree at the corner of our house. We have a slight hill where it was and I was squatting down trying to pull the root out of the ground when all of the sudden it breaks loose and I go flying backwards, kind of like a backwards sommersault with a root in my hand rolling backwards down the hill. To make it worse, ALL of my neighbors were outside in their yard and my husband has to say, What'd you that for? Like I MEANT to do it. So with everyone looking at me lying on my back with a root in my hand, my son almost peeing his pants and my husband yelling at me (in between the laughter) my neighbors think I'm a complete idiot. That's my life. Oh, there's a house for sale across the street from me if you ever run out of material. I could have my own reality show.
See you in Chicago!

[ie]

I am SO glad no one came into my office as I helplessly laughed, tears streaming down my face, pinching my legs together so that I didn't pee at this. My mom has no idea why I like reading blogs, so I'm going to read this post to her tonight and she will have no doubt why I read. You're hilarious!
(love, love the outfits. beware of crippling, cute shoes. they suck.)

[Barb]

Wow, I just finished "Bright Lights, Big Ass" last night, after finding it at Barnes & Noble on the (hate to say this) remainder table. It was sooo good. I'd read "Bitter is the New Black" last year & had wondered about how things ended up in your life, because I love your writing style so much. You went through so much in that book. I was thrilled to find that you have another book coming out. I think I got your first book on a remainder table also, but guess what, I'll probably pay full price for this next one, I'm so eager to read it. Plus you deserve it. I have no money, however, so may have to read it in Barnes & Noble until I can buy it. I have to own books I love.... I know you get that. Please come to Anchorage Alaska, we have a great Borders that I never go to & an even greater Barnes & Noble that I treat like a library. BTW, have you read Sophie Kinsella's books? I found them to be hysterically funny, in a different way than yours, but she definitely gets the shopping & shoes & clothes thing. It's so great to find this blog, I never realized you had one until 2 days ago. Thanks for your terrific books.

[Kara]

what IS it with people trying to sell you things out of the backs of their cars in Chicago.

My very good friend Jeff (who I fear lives in the area you called Sucktown in BITNB...off Division in Puerto Rico Ville?) has a great story about a guy trying to interest him in a cratefull of creamers (the kind you get in restaurants) on the hottest day of the year last summer. As if! First of all, dude, seriously, who's going to want a crate of creamers and secondly WHO is going to want a crate of creamers that have been baking in the sun in the back of your El Camino?

[Shannon]

Didn't need to know about alight.com. Now have a shopping cart full of clothes I didn't know I "needed". Dresses in the summer rock--I wear almost skirts and dresses exclusively when it gets above 80.

Can't wait! Only three more weeks to Portland! Woot!

[Melissa]

I so love all those dresses. I like the 2nd one and Most Excellent is the brown polka-dotted one. I'm not a dress girl but I might wear that those if I could cover up the sides of beef that are more commonly known as my arms.

Also, will there be photo opportunities at your signings, more specifically, the Dallas one? Please say yes.

[Nosaby]

Love the dresses. The polka dot one especially

And I think you were describing my neighbors who love to sit in their front yard (instead of the fenced in back yard) and drink beer until 3 a.m., yelling and carrying on.

[frothandfrippery]

I love your choices in frocks. I have actually tried that yellow dress on. I live in FL and decided against as it was lined, and frankly, that feels like Saran Wrap in the summertime down here.

I have SO caught clothing manufacturers selling under different name brands. Once, I bought my Easter frock at a fancy department store, and on the other end of the mall, found my dress $30 less at the El Cheapo Headquarters, aka, Cato Fashions.

THANK GOODNESS they are actually making cute dresses again! I have been in a dress desert for the past few years with all of those wonky Studio 54 hemlines...

[Kari]

Sounds like your neighbors and my neighbors would get along. I call them the elephants as they are so effing loud!

[scargosun]

Lovely purchases. I posted in yesterday's comments late but if you check you'll see y ou have a Deadliest Catch buddy and one who met a few of the guys last week.

[natalie]

Alight.com is my new favorite web site! thanks so much!

[Paula]

Jen? A lurker? No comments? But that would mean you don't have anything to say and I simply can't image that. You are showing a lot of personal restraint to not post on other blogs.

I never post comments on other blogs, just yours.

[LJ]

Oooh love the dresses. And why does it seem that those cute cute shoes usually kill the heck outta your feet? Sacrifice for fabulous footwear I do suppose in the name of fashion... can't wait to see the NYC signing selection. Especially loving the yellow. Would imagine pearls would be the perfect accent piece!

[Dalitza]

Wow.....and I thought I had interesting neighbors...LOL.
Just had to say that if I am having a crappy day, I know I can check out your blog and instantly forget everything that put me in such a bad mood and laugh my pants off.....ohh how I wish you were my neighbor!!!
Loved your 2 previous books and soo looking forward to your next one, I am going to try to make it to your book signing in NY.....PS- I am sure you will look fabulous in what ever you decide to wear, all the dresses were just too cute! Wow.....and I thought I had interesting neighbors...LOL.
Just had to say that if I am having a crappy day, I know I can check out your blog and instantly forget everything that put me in such a bad mood and laugh my pants off.....ohh how I wish you were my neighbor!!!
Loved your 2 previous books and soo looking forward to your next one, I am going to try to make it to your book signing in NY.....PS- I am sure you will look fabulous in what ever you decide to wear, all the dresses were just too cute!

[Molly]

Thanks for the fashion coverage Jen. I've been meaning to inquire about where you get your clothes - since I need to step up my game for a new job.

Splendid!

[Becca]

I had the cutest pair of shoes on yesterday that absolutely KILL my feet. I mentioned how my feet were hurting to my boyfriend and he went of on this "I can't understand why women buy shoes that hurt them" spiel. Geeze. Men are so clueless sometimes!

Love the dresses and the shoes.

I love reading about your neighbors. I don't have any neighbors (I am currently living with my grandparents in the middle of NOWHERE) so I get to live vicariously through you. Thank you.

[Jane]

OH MY GOD IT IS A MIRACLE!!!! I went to Books-A-Million yesterday and went down the Biography aisle looking for Slash the book(don't ask...)and when I turned the corner, I actually screamed with delight. But what did I see directly in front of me but "Such a Pretty Fat". I have only been hoping for May since December when I finished "Bright Lights, Big Ass". I'm so Shocked and it may be a Books-A-Million mistake but one I jumped on. So much so I felt as if I were doing something really naughty and I would be caught before I could get out of the door. I even picked it up and put it back down thinking it couldn't be true! Oh happy day!!!!!!!! The weather here is beautiful and I will spend the weekend in our hammock. I can't wait.

[Christie]

Love the dresses! I skip the sundress look due to that arm flab but they are too cute! Maybe I will break down. Maybe not.. Can't wait for Amazon to send me your book!

[stephani]

Already bought the new book on Amazon(gotta love pre sale!). The dresses are adorable, especially the sparkly one. Any idea if you would ever do a signing in the fine metropolis of Pittsburgh(aka the armpit of PA)? Love your books and the blog. Keep it up!

[Gina B.]

Hey girly. Cute dresses. I commend you for even buying a pair of flip flops. There are no shoes in my closet that include that painful between-the-toe-violation. I've nearly been crippled by seemingly harmless pairs of flip flops. Uber ridiculous!

[Carolyn]

Great Dresses. You are gonna look so cute!

Carolyn

[Amy L.]

Hey Jen!
All those dresses are so cute!!!! And I think you get bad neighbors to give you something funny to write about. Kind of like how I date bad men to have something to write about. LOL

[ensie]

I LOVE Vive la Femme. I found them by accident one day while waiting to have breakfast at Toast (while visiting a friend - I'm from Seattle, not Chicago). I REALLY wish they would get their website up and running as the store is fabulous and I'd like to shop there from here, instead of having to fly across country!

[Leah]

My older sister has the brown polka dot one in green, and it is fantastically beautiful.

Sooo looking forward to you coming to Atlanta, by the way.

[Cyndi]

I don't know what shape your feet are, but I find NOTHING to be more uncomfortable than a dressy flat shoe. Go for something with a solid heel and a little bit of a platform. I refuse to be uncomfortable, but I also refuse to wear anything less than a 2" heel to work (and I'm on my feel and/or hauling things in/out of my car a lot) - it can be done!

[Susan]

Love the blog and love the books! Like you I am usually a lurker but wanted to let you know (belated response to the other post) the my entire book club is going to see you in Atlanta (carpooling in from the suburbs in our minivans - what a visual)! Those of us who have read your books chose Bitter for our book for May to indoctrinate everyone else. Can't wait to see you!