The Eyes of Minnesota Are Upon You

If I promise to put up a real, has-nothing-to-do-with-pimping-my-own-book related post later today, will you guys help me out for a minute?

We're at the tail end of figuring how everything's going to work for my book tour, nailing down specs on events, TV and radio spots, print mentions, flights, cars, etc.  And by "we," I mean Mary Ann, my long-suffering publicist who is also obligated to field my random, asinine calls about reality television in the middle of all of this, e.g. "Hey, did you catch last night's episode of The Bad Girls' Club?  I totally heart Tanisha." 

(BTW, the job I've assigned myself is to make sure I have sufficient supply of pretty summer dresses.) 

(Check!) 

My dress purchasing has gone swimmingly and most of my favorite shows are about to wrap for the season, so I'm now free to obsess on new things, e.g. finding severed heads in the toilet, catching the plague from the neighborhood rats, and wondering how I'd groom myself if I ever went blind.  (Once in a while I'll practice doing my hair and/or makeup with my eyes closed just to see if I'd be up for the task.) 

(I can't be the only one who's ever tried this.  But for those who haven't, I am sorry for your woeful lack of preparation, particularly now during the height of April-showers-umbrella-eye-poke season.)

Since it's not my nature to worry about stupid shit alone, yesterday I decided to call Mary Ann.  "Hey, it's Jen!  How are you?  Hey, listen, I know you're swamped, but I have a couple things on my mind - first, did you see Jason Castro's performance on Idol last night?  Listen up, jackass - when arguably the most famous and prolific composer of our time gives you notes on how to sing his song, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING LISTEN.  Oh, also, what would happen if I had all these events and no one came?"

Note to self:  Do NOT do that again. 

Buying Mary Ann a pretty summer dress isn't going to stop her from wanting to murder me. 

What might get me out of trouble is to assure her that yes, you guys will be there.  Seriously, if I'm ever going to be allowed to tour again, people have to come to events.  The upside for you is I promise to swear and sweat Chardonnay and blather on about totally inappropriate topics.  (Last year in Philadelphia I was obsessed with Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch.  Half the crowd were also fans of the show and they dug the discussion - the other half were all, "When the fuck was she a professional crab fisherman?") 

Anyway, if you're vacillating about attendance, I'm asking you nicely to Choose Jen.  (Also, we haven't got a date set for the Minneapolis reading yet.  I'm worried if the tour doesn't go well, then I won't be sent up there.  So, you know, no pressure or anything.)   

If you're already in, can you please give me a quick shout out in the comments section about where I'll see you?

Thank you in advance for keeping Mary Ann from gutting me like a trout.

(Or a cod.) 

(Which is what they use to bait the pots when fishing for Alaskan King crab.)

(And also Opilio.)

(It's a really good show.)

Comments

[maggie]

Minneapolis - And while you are at it - you should do radio - 107.1fm - chick station. The Lori and Julia show - althought Colleen and the boys are a riot too!

[Sara Jean Flanagan]

I'm coming next Tuesday in Chicago and I'm super psyched! Plus, I'm bringing along my roommate and her work friend.

[Kathy]

I will see you in San Francisco! Mark Twain's comment about the coldest winter he ever spent is a summer in San Francisco is true! If you wear summer dresses in San Francisco you will probably be cold! Oakland is warmer though...

[Nicole Marie]

Dammit, woman, why aren't you coming to Boston?

[Karen S]

Boston is in the house - or shall I say - I will be in the bookstore! My sister and I were so bummed out that you weren't coming to Boston so we had thought about a road trip to NYC. Unfortunately the 4 hour drive wouldn't have worked out well for us midweek but . . . .my husband and I are vacationing in California for 2 weeks for our anniversary in May. It just so happens that we will be in San Fran/Oakland when you are there! I'm so excited to meet you. I just love the books and my sister and I email each other as soon as you have a new post on your blog. You just crack us up!
So - I may just win the prize for traveling the furthest (3100 miles) to see you! (um -that is - if you had a contest for something of the sort!) lol
Can't wait to see one of the cute dresses!

[Denise]

I've never worried about how to do my hair if I became blind, but I have wondered what I would do if I broke one or both arms. Good-bye sassy straight bob! Or I dread what I would look like if I were in a coma and my mother was in charge of my hair and eyebrows. EEEK.

[Mickie]

See you in Cincinnati

[Jen]

I will be seeing you in Minneapolis!! You better get yourself here!!!

[Chandra T]

I'm coming with a couple of friends to see you Dallas on the 14th. Can't wait!

[Janelle Loe]

I promise to attend the reading in Seattle if you promise to make me laugh. I think it will be easier for you to hold up your end of the bargain than for me to slog up to the north end, but I'm willing to do it. Can't wait!

[Janelle Loe]

I promise to attend the reading in Seattle if you promise to make me laugh. I think it will be easier for you to hold up your end of the bargain than for me to slog up to the north end, but I'm willing to do it. Can't wait!

[mandi]

Philly, Philly!!!!
Me plus my 2 girlfriends!

[Sarah]

I'll be there for the Philadelphia stop!

[Allison]

Will TOTALLY be at the Seattle event - already have numerous gift purchases planned!

[Meredith]

My girlfriends and I will see you in Philly. I'm getting a babysitter!!! Can't wait! I almost bought a cute little argyle pink and green number at Target, but I figured it would be too Stepford-ish and creepy for you rather than flattering! (Just know that I thought about it....that'll be the flattering part)

[Stephanie]

See you in Cincinnati!

[Erin]

Cincinnati it is! (But if you came to Columbus, that would be even better!) Can't wait! P.S. I totally blame you for my new addiction to Stardoll!

[Tracy]

I will see you in Minneapolis!!!

[Emily]

DC/NOVA! I am there fosho!

[kimberly]

See ya in Big D...

[Anna]

I'm coming to the NYC Borders :)

[LisaD]

May 20. Seattle-ish (read: Lake Forest Park--seriously, I had to look it up. WHERE IS THAT?!) Me + the girl who could be your twin (seriously... it's like you share the same internal, slightly off-centered spirit) will be there.

[Kristin]

I will definitely see you in DC, along with everyone I know! (Which unfortunately may or may not be that many people)

[Kelly Duncan]

See you in Atlanta!

[Molly]

See you in Indianapolis! Friends from northern Indiana are driving down just to see you that night with me...so count on 3-4.

[tnoll]

I can't wait to see you in Philadelphia! Of course, now I'm rethinking my wardrobe... are pretty spring dresses the desired dress code for the book tour? If so, I have some shopping to do!

[Elizabeth]

A carload of Iowans are planning a trip to Minneapolis to see you speak. Hopefully the rest of the tour doesn't suck (how could it?!)so we get a chance to road trip.

[Alisha in Ohio]

See you in Cinci!

[Maryann]

Jenn - Jennifer and I will absolutely be in NY. Jenn ingratiated herself with your family last year at Barnes & Nobles. I know she'd love a repeat performance.

[Nicole]

Can you please come to Baltimore? I would have a HUGE crowd waiting. There's a lovely Barnes and Noble in Towson, Md. It's right next to a MALL.

[Lisa]

San Fran -- cannot wait! We have had it calendared since you announced the date. I have been trying to get my girlfriend to grow some and take the whole next day off so that we can celebrate without fear of arrest or homicide on the road home to Sacto. Regardless, we will be there!!

See you soon -- great dresses! Do you have Kohl's in Chicago --kind of hit or miss, but I just got a really cute skirt set and a springy suit from there in their size 14 and up section.

Also a quick thank you for recommending Lost and Found --great, great book!

[Jenn]

Please come to Phoenix!!!

I promise to make you MARGARITA CUPCAKES!!!

[laura]

See you in SF!

[Allison B]

Mpls, please?
I have a new spring dress and no where else to wear it!

[Alicia]

I'll see you in DC with 2 friends!

[LizaK]

I'll be in Dallas with my sister and her friend who introduced me to your genius books a couple of months ago. It sounds like I will be the only one there NOT wearing pearls, but please don't judge... :)

[Lindsay]

MINNEAPOLIS. Thank you.

[Lindsey]

I wish you were coming to Boston, Jen! Best of luck on the tour!!! We all love you!

[Trixie]

I hope to see you in Chicago for the June event. It is my 5 year wedding anniversary, and sadly, my husband does not appreciate the fact that your humor is extremely similar to his bride's. Love truly is blind.

[Dawn]

I am anxiously awaiting the delivery of my pre-ordered book! Have gotten every friend I have to also fall in love with your books and we are all planning to see you on May 13th in Atlanta! There should be at least 6 of us!

[Susan]

My snarky posse and I have been wating anxiously to see you in Seattle! Thanks for adding us to your tour.

[Leah]

My mom and I will be there in Atlanta!

[Kimberly]

I'll be at the 5/12 VA stop. I'll have my girls all sweaty from soccer that I'll have to bring with me to make it in time. Don't worry, I'll make them go wait in the kids section so you don't feel bad about swearing freely.

[Laura]

Thanks for clarifying Borders, not B&N in NoVa. Still coming alone, though. And it's my husband's birthday...but also Mother's Day MONTH so I always call it especially since I usually give up MY mother's day to pay homage to the creature who birthed him.

[Syl]

Dear Jen:

I just finished your book "Bitter is the New Black" and I am never leaving home without it, screw American Express. From now on I just might ask myself "what would Jen do?". I have to say that if no one nominates you for the Nobel in literature they are all idiots (but most likely they are all men, which would amount to the same). Since I opened the first page I totally relate. And to those idiots that did not hire you, I have the answer. They were just jealous that you could probably do their job blindfolded. Thanks for the inspiration. Girl, you are the best thing since Einstein.

Syl

[Kelly]

Concordia College NY has your back!!! We'll be there!!! <3

[Margie]

Jen, I am coming to Portland, OR to see you ON MY 43rd BIRTHDAY!!! Me and several friends are making the drive over from Bend, Oregon (about 3 hrs away!)We would absolutely LOVE it if you could come out and play with us after the book signing!! PLEEEEEASE! Can't wait to meet you...Margie

[Shelly]

See you in Northern Virginia!

[Dennille Ferguson]

I will definitely be seeing you in Dallas!

[Celeste]

I love the first 2, they have a very greek godess look about them! When do you go to Atlanta? Can you post your tour dates and times (or a link to them)? I only live a few hours from Atlanta, and I could totally tie your reading in with a trip to Trader Joe's (none in Alabama). I already preordered your book from Amazon. I can't wait to read it!!!!! Have fun touring.