The Eyes of Minnesota Are Upon You

If I promise to put up a real, has-nothing-to-do-with-pimping-my-own-book related post later today, will you guys help me out for a minute?

We're at the tail end of figuring how everything's going to work for my book tour, nailing down specs on events, TV and radio spots, print mentions, flights, cars, etc.  And by "we," I mean Mary Ann, my long-suffering publicist who is also obligated to field my random, asinine calls about reality television in the middle of all of this, e.g. "Hey, did you catch last night's episode of The Bad Girls' Club?  I totally heart Tanisha." 

(BTW, the job I've assigned myself is to make sure I have sufficient supply of pretty summer dresses.) 

(Check!) 

My dress purchasing has gone swimmingly and most of my favorite shows are about to wrap for the season, so I'm now free to obsess on new things, e.g. finding severed heads in the toilet, catching the plague from the neighborhood rats, and wondering how I'd groom myself if I ever went blind.  (Once in a while I'll practice doing my hair and/or makeup with my eyes closed just to see if I'd be up for the task.) 

(I can't be the only one who's ever tried this.  But for those who haven't, I am sorry for your woeful lack of preparation, particularly now during the height of April-showers-umbrella-eye-poke season.)

Since it's not my nature to worry about stupid shit alone, yesterday I decided to call Mary Ann.  "Hey, it's Jen!  How are you?  Hey, listen, I know you're swamped, but I have a couple things on my mind - first, did you see Jason Castro's performance on Idol last night?  Listen up, jackass - when arguably the most famous and prolific composer of our time gives you notes on how to sing his song, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING LISTEN.  Oh, also, what would happen if I had all these events and no one came?"

Note to self:  Do NOT do that again. 

Buying Mary Ann a pretty summer dress isn't going to stop her from wanting to murder me. 

What might get me out of trouble is to assure her that yes, you guys will be there.  Seriously, if I'm ever going to be allowed to tour again, people have to come to events.  The upside for you is I promise to swear and sweat Chardonnay and blather on about totally inappropriate topics.  (Last year in Philadelphia I was obsessed with Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch.  Half the crowd were also fans of the show and they dug the discussion - the other half were all, "When the fuck was she a professional crab fisherman?") 

Anyway, if you're vacillating about attendance, I'm asking you nicely to Choose Jen.  (Also, we haven't got a date set for the Minneapolis reading yet.  I'm worried if the tour doesn't go well, then I won't be sent up there.  So, you know, no pressure or anything.)   

If you're already in, can you please give me a quick shout out in the comments section about where I'll see you?

Thank you in advance for keeping Mary Ann from gutting me like a trout.

(Or a cod.) 

(Which is what they use to bait the pots when fishing for Alaskan King crab.)

(And also Opilio.)

(It's a really good show.)

Comments

[Anna]

Are you coming out to the Chicago suburbs at all??? I don't see it on the appearances list!! Maybe a visit to your old suburban stomping grounds?!? :)

[Linda Parker]

I'll be first in line if you visit San Diego. Please visit San Diego!

[dcfullest]

I will see you in DC (technically Northern Va).

[Loren]

I'm going to drive from Houston to Austin (Round Rock) with a couple of friends on May the 15th!

[Nina]

Jen, I need you to come to Arkansas!! I can guarantee 5 at a Little Rock event just with the people I have gotten hooked on you!!!
Pretty Please!!!!!!!!

[Sister Honey Bunch]

Dude. I'm your biggest fan in MICHIGAN. Get thee to Traverse City and I'll fill up the joint for you.

[Alison]

Since you are sadly ignoring Boston, I am flying down to visit a friend in Philly and we will be in attendance for you May 9th appearance in Philadelphia.

[Shelly]

I'll be seeing you in Atlanta! And I'll have at least 3 friends with me :)

[Magen]

I will be at your Chicago reading, but all of my peoples are from Minneapolis, and I promise to encourage (Read: violently coerce) to attend whatever readings occur there.

[Christine]

Jen
I will see you in Philly. and I CANNOT
wait. It is a Friday. although I prefer
red wine I think we will do just fine.
LOL I've already made my plans to be
there!!

[Jenn]

My friend and I will see you in Chicago!

[Angry Kitten]

Will DEFINETLY see you in Chicaaaaaago.

[Christine]

did I mention I'll be at the Philly
reading?!!!!!

[Linsey]

Philly!

[carolyn]

I'll be there on May 6th. With bells (and pearls!) on.

Also, I do have to tell you ever since I saw ANTM where queen-Tyra made the contestants put on their make-up in under five minutes without a mirror, it has been my life goal to be able to do so. I can gladly report that I can do my entire face, without looking, in 4 minutes, while driving. The last part I shouldn't be so proud of...but with an hour and 20 minute commute, I gotta do something to fill my time on the "expressway" that never moves...!! Can't wait for May 6th!!!

[Cassandra]

PHILLY!!!! Woohoo!

[sandy]

Minnapolis please!!
my sister and me already have plans to come see you if you come here. ..ready your blog every update...cant wait to meet you in person. love, love, love! your books.

[Lyn]

You'll see me in Minneapolis!

[JJ]

Arkansas is the place to go!!!. ..It’s beautiful and most of us really do read...You would fill up the place. You should truly consider us a must stop place. I would try to tempt you with the presidential library (although it does look like a mobile home. I wasn't involved in the creation) but your republican side might not appreciate the sentiment. However your pampering side may enjoy the hot baths and spas in Hot Springs...I will finish along the lines of the above Arkansan...pppllleeeaassee!!!!

[Lindy]

I totally rescheduled a planned trip to visit my aunt in Ohio so that it would coincide with your Cincinnati appearace, since they didn't see fit to let you visit Kansas City this time around. (And we still have to drive from Columbus to get there.) We'll be there with pearls on!

[justAcliche]

Since you are not appearing within 4 hours of me I will be unable to attend. Tell your people to book you in Western NY and then we'll talk. (& I'll be there)

[Rachel]

No Boston??? boooooo!
I might get my boyfriend's brother's wife (did you get that :-)) to go to your reading in Indy to get signed copies for us Bostoners.

[Jessica]

I will be seeing you in Portland, OR (bring a pretty rain coat, and dont forget one for Mary Ann!!!!)

[Kristi]

I'll see you on May 14th in Big D, and I'll have at least 5 friends with me! Can't wait! :)

[Becki]

Jen - I would be there, unfortunately you WONT be here. But I will buy your book on day 1 or 2!

Deadlies Catch is AWESOME - I TOTALLY CRUSH on Sig Hansen and love the pranks.

Poor Jason - HE knows his own style. My Mom adores him, the only one she will pay to see, have to confess me too. And if Andrew Lloyd Weber was trying to get him to sing like a diva.. well. . .NOT his style. Plus it is pretty well known he was very sick with Pneumonia and had to get shots the day of in order to just perform. Ummm. yeah. Not like I am the only Cougar voting for him, lol