Technically, the Category Should Be Ants But Whatever

THE PART ABOUT THE COOKIES

Did I mention I was back from tour yet? 

I can't remember if I said so or not because I'm still so freaking tired.  Mind you, I'm not looking for sympathy here as it's not merited.  Seriously, what could you say?  "Oh, I'm so sorry you're tired from flying all over the country and staying at nice hotels and ordering room service French fries cooked in white truffle oil.  It must have been SO HARD for you to meet all kinds of lovely people who gave you gifts in addition to buying your books."

However, this next story should illustrate my level of exhaustion last week.  I'd had about three hours of sleep the night before the Seattle event because I had to fly out of Portland at the asscrack of dawn to make an early call time for a TV show.  By the time the Seattle event was over, I was a complete zombie.  But because I received so many cool presents that night, I couldn't go right to bed as I had to totally re-pack my bag to make room for all the treats.  (I know, I know.  I told you I didn't deserve any pity.)

As I was unwrapping and stowing, I came across a twee little box wrapped with a ribbon.  I tore it open and found a stack of beautifully decorated sugar cookies and without a second thought, I began to stuff them in my mouth.

By the way?  I inhaled these despite the fact that they:

A) WERE CLEARLY MARKED AS HAVING COME FROM THE DOGGIE BAKERY

and

B) THAT I WAS INFORMED THESE WERE FOR MAISY AND LOKI WHEN GIVEN TO ME.

While eating them, I was vaguely aware that they weren't as sweet as I'd have liked, but they were so pretty that it took me two whole cookies to fully realize what I'd done.

Shameful.

What's even worse is if I weren't basically sleepwalking, I'd have still been tempted to try them.

Double shameful.

THE BIT ABOUT THE ANTS

I'm blaming the exhaustion for my utter and complete hysterical breakdown in Menards on Sunday. 

We needed to buy poison because there are such huge ants in my office that my throat keeps hurting from all the screaming.  (They're the size of wasps without wings.  UGH.)  While Fletch busied himself looking at garden tools, I perused the insect-killing aisle.  I didn't know what to get, so I just picked up various packages and began to read.  Here's the description from the box of Terro that not only prompted me to purchase it, but also caused me to double over and cry all my eye makeup off from laughing so hard:

Attracts and kills all common household ants including Argentine ants, Ghost ants, Cornfield ants, Pavement ants, Acrobat ants, White footed ants, Little black ants, Odorous house ants, Crazy ants, Big headed ants, and other sweet eating ants.

Acrobat ants?

Big-headed ants?

CRAZY ants?

My guess here is that someone who works for the Terro corporation is an extraordinarily frustrated copywriter, e.g. "I have a Master's in English and I'm writing about fucking ants," or there are brands/varieties/species of ants that do some wacky shit. 

Either way, I'm still tired enough to find this very, very funny.

Now it's time for some ant genocide... and possibly a nap.

Comments

[Aimee]

Jen...I love you. Why? Because I am having a shitty year. My husband left me in January after 15 years of marriage one week after we moved into a house we had just finished having built for us. In February my Dad passed away. Easter weekend I found out about my 40 year old husband's 23 year old girlfriend. Tonight my husband picked up my beloved 7 year old daughter for his weekend with her...and I am sitting home alone feeling very sad. But you? Can still make me laugh out loud! Thank you! By the way...loved the new book!

[Courtney]

Terro is amazing stuff-my mom always had horrible ant problems, and that stuff took care of them in no time.

On another note, I'm really disappointed that you're coming to Denver, because I just moved away from there.

[Kristin]

Terro is a great an mass murder aid. I throw that shit on them when I find their dens of sin outside...they no longer venture into my abode.

[Jenn in AZ]

I am thrilled that you are coming to Phoenix! I will be expressing my gratitude to you with margarita cupcakes.

Also, my friends and I would be happy to introduce you to a restaurant that makes a heavenly CHARDONNAY SORBET!

[micci]

If it makes you feel any better, I work at Petco, and sooner or later, the other employees will goad you into trying some of the duplex cookies at the dog bar. I hate to say it but they're actually pretty good. Like generic sandwich cookies. The ingredients read like human cookie ingredients (except the garlic, you can't taste it, so WTF?). The pretzels are kind of bland, though. Yes, I know how weird this makes me sound. The really funny thing? My dog won't eat them.

[Jenn in AZ]

I am thrilled that you are coming to Phoenix! I will be expressing my gratitude to you with margarita cupcakes.

Also, my friends and I would be happy to introduce you to a restaurant that makes a heavenly CHARDONNAY SORBET!

[Andrea Burke]

Thanks Jennifer. That was one of the funniest things I have read in a while. Looking forward to reading the new book! Mu husband just bought it for me.

[Shan]

OK. Just Googled carpenter ants. Man, those are ugly suckers.

One benefit to living in the Canadian North: fewer nasty bugs. -40 winters tend to keep the critter populations down.

You'll be glad to know, though, that contentment on the bug front doesn't reconcile me to the climate between January and March. I don't like big bugs, but I'm not crazy.

Yet ... still living here. Hmmmm.

[sheilah]

I am wondering who picks up the ants to determine if they are 'white-footed ants' or 'big-headed ants'.

And the 'sweet eating ants'...is that 'sweet-eating ants' or sweet, eating ants (I'm gonna eat me some sweet ants...) or SWEEEET eating ants?

[Liz]

Had a blast at the signing in San Francisco! (Hi, if you are the daughter of the woman from Ireland that I met, and sorry I cannot remember your name. I sat next to you with my aunt during the reading).

I really thought this story was going to involve you accidentally ingesting ant-infested baked goods, so thank god you didn't go there!

[CATHY WALKER]

WHERE IN BOSTON ?????????? I CANT WAIT

[deb]

One last idea, white vinegar also works to get rid of ants, or at least that is what I've heard.
Good luck getting rid of them.

[Gina]

OMG I am SOOOO excited you are coming to Phoenix!!! I will be there with all 3 books and a camera!!!!!

[Jamie]

Ok, I have bought my dog cookies from the fancy dog bakeries before, and they are GOOD, dammit! One time I got ones called Snickerpoodles that tasted just like snickerdoodles, except they're healthier cuz they're made with honey and wheat flour and stuff. My husband makes fun of me to this day because I would go to the cabinet where we kept the dog treats and eat one of these cookies, and our dog would cock her head and give me a "uh, Mama? Whatcha doin? Those are mine" look. THERE'S NO SHAME IN IT! EAT AWAY! See, since they're healthier you're actually helping your diet by not eating REAL cookies!

[Jessica]

I am cracking up over here!

Do the acrobat ants do little tricks and make their own little ant trapezes?

And do the crazy ants have several personalities that speak to each other and confuse their relatives???

Are the bigheaded ants ridiculed by all their friends and neighbors?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not exhausted and I find this all extremely hysterical!!!!

[Kristabella]

I have one of those crazy ants, my mom's sister.

She is a bitch to get rid of.

[A Jill of All Trades (Wendy)]

I'm waiting for the "housecleaning ants" to show up and get busy doing what they do best.

[sarah]

When I stopped laughing, I googled each of those "types" of ant and holy shit! They actually all exist!

Hope you got rid of the ants and had a fabulous nap!

(I'm going to try not to triple post this response...wish me luck)

[Ginny]

Damn! What about the Cirque du Soleil ants (the ones in the snappy unitards)? And the Spiritualist Yogi ants (they only pilfer your granola)??? What poison works on THOSE guys?!?!

[Genelle]

Thank you so much for visiting us in Seattle despite your sleep deprivation! I thoroughly enjoyed hearing your words in person. You are hilarious, cannot wait until the next book! Thanks for signing my collection and polaroid pic. :)

I had no idea there were so many types of ants! The ants I'd least like to have in my house? Acrobat ants. I would so move into a hotel until the circus left town. Good luck!

[Mary W.]

I recall once having ants so big in a flat we lived in that they CRUNCHED when stepped on. Step, crunch, gag. That was my day. At work that afternoon, I asked the exterminator guy about them. HE said don't bother with an exterminator until after you've tried boric acid. It's extremely safe, even though it sounds deadly. They sell boric acid powder at the pharmacy, people add it to warm water and use it as an eye rinse-how dangerous could that be? Anyway, I filled a spray bottle with warm water, added a few tbsps. of the powder, and sprayed every baseboard in the house. Never saw (or crunched) another ant. If that gets rid of them, they aren't carpenters. If it doesn't work, call in the pros.

[CariZ]

Um, apparently you have never been to South Florida and therefore do not know the vile nature of the crazy ants. Actually, while I type, crazy ants are crawling across my keyboard as well as all over my spotless kitchen. They are tiny ants that seem to come from nowhere and unlike cockroaches are not attracted by food. So, no matter how clean your house is, you will find microscopic ants crawling on everything. It's enough to drive anyone crazy...

[Christine]

Saw and actually MET you in Seattle- it was blissful. I didn't, however, give you doggie treats- or any gifts, sadly, as I had just come from work and dealt with traffic without any murder occurring. But I finished your book, and really loved it. I will commence to return to the gym pronto.

Thank you again for coming!!!

[Darci]

I just want to vouch for the fact that Jen was a zombie after the end of the Seattle event... I was the 2nd to the last person in line, and it was after 10pm so the store had to stay open for us. We were just worried that Jen wasn't going to make it back to her hotel! I hope you had a driver!
It was great to meet you anyway, even though we could tell you were exhausted... we were having enough fun for everyone. :)

By the way, the porno theatre on the way to the Seattle event, with the funny signs? Was that in downtown Seattle, and was the sign pink? Because that would be The Lusty Lady, and it's a peep show (like the Madonna video, or so I'm told) not a theatre. Which is even funnier, because they have funny signs like that all the time. As crazy as they can get and not get in trouble.

[Jennifer]

Ok, read the whole book! On my way to Boston
Which I am so sad that I won't be there for your book tour

ANywho

I just googled those ants..
The crazy
acrobatic and big headed

THEY ALL EXIST

OMG

Kill them all now

[Marie]

First of all, I find it hilarious that you voluntarily did what I tricked my daughter into doing when she was little, and I was feeling particularly evil (in a funny way, of course). The twist? By the time my daughter turned four she picked up on the fact that Beggin' Strips are NOT real bacon.

As for the ants, I admire your restraint. When ants invaded our home last summer, I moved into a hotel while I forced my husband to hire an exterminator. When that didn't work within my required (and perhaps unrealistic) 12 hour time span, I went to Menards and purchased EVERY ant killer they had and asked (read forced) my husband to apply them all. Then I bought a Dyson to make sure I could suck them out of the carpet in case any little tiny ants were still living below the surface where I couldn't see them. After stakes, traps, pellets, and spray outside AND Terro, spray, and traps inside, the ants decided to retreat. And yes, I used the word retreat because about a day into the week long ordeal I apparently sniffed too much of one of the pesticides, and coupled with the Cold War graduate class I was taking, managed to create a whole scenario in which the ants were mini-communists and if I could just find and kill the leader, all would be okay.

Well, at this point, you either are amused or think I am crazy so I will end my rant here.

[Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat]

Dude...there's such a thing as ghost ants? I'm totally afraid of ghost PEOPLE. I had no idea.

[Abigail Jennings]

Ya know, if you would've had the wine open we gave you in Seattle, I bet the rest of those "cookies" would've gone down nice and easy. LOL! I totally feel for you. After eating room service for weeks on end your taste buds were probably all screwed up! God bless you for helping the rest of us doggy biscuit eaters to feel better about ourselves!!

[Kelley]

I'm laughing hard about you eating the dog cookies! But not about the ants. We had those in my daughter's bathroom a few years ago. Definitely sounds like carpenter ants and I agree with Soren that you need an exterminator out for those.

And I just recently read about the crazy ants. They're called that because they don't walk in orderly lines like other ants. Also, they will actually kill fire ants so they are now my buds!

[Randi]

I started reading your book while at my ob's office being monitored for potential pre-term labor. I was throwing off the machine, because I kept laughing to the point of snorting. So bummed that I missed your Seattle event -- so near, and yet so far. As a pregnant lady, I was puking up my guts, but I was there in spirit.

No ant advice, but cinnamon sounds like a yummy remedy.

[Kate]

2 items of note:
1) If you can find the source of the ants, you can lay down a line of cinnamon and they will not cross it. For real. It's the only thing I ever found to keep ants out of my house.

2) I was reading your book in Chicago while you were reading your book* aloud in Portland, my home town. Big sad face.

*While flying back from Chicago, I laughed SO hard at Fletch's description of the Chinese factor workers and your shorts that I spit a hot nut from my mouth.

[Dangerous K]

No comments section on the post below but... Boston?! BOSTON?!?!? REALLY??? Don't toy with my emotions! You really listened to my pleas for attention!

I'll SO be there! If you didn't have better things to do, I'd bring you to my favorite dive bar afterwards. Unless you don't have better things to do. In which case, come get sauced with your fans!

[Valarie]

So I just finished your second book on the plane somewhere between Tampa and Cincinnati last night and I must tell you that the whole plane thought I was insane for laughing so loudly but I didn't care - it actually made my flight just delightful.

(This is saying a lot coming from another woman who tends to attack general crazies every time she takes public transportation or is stuck in any moving vehicle with complete strangers!)

I bet you get a lot of crazies on here professing their love for you and all but I just have to say I really would love to go hit up a Target sometime with you - it would be tons of fun. (Oh and I just moved into a new place across the street from a Super-Target...this is a bad move as I will never save a dime again!)

Keep up the good work!

[tutugirl1345]

I just spent 20 minutes this morning talking to a friend about how her dog loves eating ants. She told me that one had bitten her dog's tongue and refused to release! It took her killing the thing to get it off. I guess the point is don't let Maisy and Loki eat the ants!

[Soren]

I'm unfortunately experienced in the ways of the ants in the house-- I recommend you call an exterminator, for I fear you have Carpenter Ants. They're sort of like termites in terms of the damage they can do, but they don't eat the wood for food, they just live there-- that's not really much better.
Usually in a wall where there has been some water damage, but they can make various nests around the house... they are BIG suckers, and they can bite. They come out this time of year as the house warms up, and then you won't see them as they leave the house to forage for food outside, then go dormant through the winter.

I know-- lots of info, but I'm 100% serious-- I've had them in 2 old houses I've owned-- a good exterminator/ant expert will find the nest(s), drill into the wall/window casing/whatever, and put stuff in there (and it can be non-toxic for the pets, though you might want to move them out for a few hrs anyway)... DON'T let them just spray the baseboards and outside, they have to get INTO the walls.

sigh... wish I didn't know all this.

Loved the books, can't wait for more :)
Soren sorenkkg@yahoo.com

[Rachel]

Well, they are safe for dogs, so they can't be too bad for humans.

Just finished your book. LOVED it.

[Melanie]

okay so I'm sitting in my office at work (which is an old historical building so bugs are normal) and I have once again found myself killing ants with the eraser on my mechanical pencil when I read the post from Beckie about cinnamon. At this point I would do anything to get rid of the ants then I realized that I have cinnamon on my desk drawer (random I know) and have found myself sprinklig it all over the floor in my office and watching the ants to see what happens. So for the last several minutes I have been watching my little friends run into the cinnamon and then turn around and find the quickest way out of it, I can see that my afternoon will be spent seeing how many I can capture in a ring of cinnamon..so far I have three. If only I had spearamint gum.......

[deb]

First, I loved Such a Pretty Fat, I finished it this weekend, laughed my crazy-ant ass off! Thanks, I needed it.

Second, Yeah me! You are coming to Boston, Yeah Boston! We are on vacation in Maine that week but are going to bring the 4 kids into Boston for dinner just so I can have you sign my book.
So. Excited.

Third, yuck on the doggie cookies. You must be tired.

See you in Boston.

[LB]

On the Cape, there is this doggie bakery that put this delicious looking frosting on doggie cupcakes. Definitely have found myself subconsciously licking my figures after getting frosting on them while feeding the dogs treats.

So excited you are coming to Boston (on my birthday)!

[Melissa]

glad to hear the book tour is going well!! are you coming out to printer's row book fair next weekend?? thought i heard a little blurb that you were making an appearance :D

[Kari]

That's just too funny about the biscuits! As for the ants, my grandmother use to put out sticks of spearmint gum. I don't know how it works, but the ants went to the gum and then died. Strange, but true.

[laura]

If you were given the dog cookies in Seattle I'm guessing they might have been from the Three Dog Bakery. I will shamefully admit to having sampled some of their biscuits and cookies before giving them to the dogs...sad thing is that they're actually not to bad!!!

[Dana]

LMFAO!are ghost ants the ones you imagine you have but really dont then you think that shit works?and as long as you didnt bark after eating beautiful dog cookies i think you are safe ;)

[Karina in T.O]

LOL. Ouch, I just hurt myself laughing! Jeez! I can't belive you did that.....to the cookies......

And while the Acrobat ants intially had me make an wierd face, (like did someone make a spelling error on the packaging or something?) it was actually the 'white footed' ants that made me laugh out loud....like, what? I've never seen ants wearling little fucking pom-pom socks before! And 'crazy' ants.....awesome, they're running around all foaming at the mouth and such.

I'm going to assume that you're having to take these drastic measures because your animals are looking at the ants like "ooooh, look we've got little buddies."

[Sils]

I am unable to express how excited I am about you coming to Phoenix.

I asked my boyfriend if he would come with me to the signing and he said, "Who is this again?" I said, "She's the one with the Djibouti story that I made you read while I was laughing so hard I was crying. ... Djibouti. Hahahahahahahaha (gasp) HAhahahahahaha"

[Squeaky Wheel]

Believe it or not, those are all actually acceptable labels for the various types of ants that wreak havoc on homeowners' dwellings...and the areas around it. Crazy ants use the bodies of their dead to make bridges over areas they can't cross without help. Creeeeepy.

[Kristi]

I, too, am sleep deprived today...three-day weekends always seem to throw off my sleep pattern. Anywho...I laughed myself silly this morning describing a scene from The Office to a co-worker...the one where Dwight "freezes" Angela's dead cat, so that she can properly say "good-bye" to the kitty. Angela is a bit suspicious of the situation because there are claw marks on her freezer items. My friend and I snorted from laughter, which caused some odd looks from other employees. Clearly, it's the little things in life that bring me joy! :)

[Kitkat]

Did you know that they used to make a doggy treat called Jerky. I know, because I was about seven and could read Jerky. I ate two pieces which tasted pretty good before my asshat of a brother pointed out that it was for the dogs. Oh well. It was still a tasty treat.

[Beckie]

First - LOVED LOVED LOVED THE NEW BOOK!!! I read it all in one sitting (but don't tell those pesky child rights people because I totally ignored my kid in the process!)

Second - Cinnamon. Works wonders on ants. It's like a picket line for them - they won't cross it. Just in case the Terro stuff doesn't really work on the crazy acrobat big-headed ants.