Yet Another Cupcake Emergency

I'm seeing my friend Stacey tonight to watch Top Chef, as is our Wednesday tradition.  Her birthday was on Sunday, which I totally forgot until yesterday even though I had prominently written it in my calendar because I am the Best Friend Ever. 

To make up a little bit for being a jackass, I bought cupcakes to bring to her house yesterday.  BTW, Chicagoans, I totally gave Sweet Mandy B's another chance.  I think I just got a bad batch the first time.  Anyway, now I really appreciate their product because their cakes stay fresh, meaning I could buy cupcakes yesterday and serve them today without issue.

That is, except that sometime between when I left for the gym earlier today and now, a cat barfed all over the cupcake container which I'd left on the table.  Even though the cupcakes inside are fine, I can't in good conscience serve dessert with vomit a la mode.  What would I say to Stacey as I handed her a sullied container?  "Happy birthday!  I cared enough to hose off the chunks!"

Now I have to go out and buy more cupcakes and I'm embarrassed to go back to Sweet Mandy B's because I was just there 24 hours ago.  Normally I don't care about anyone's opinion, and I'd be all "Cupcake up, bitches," but I get the feeling if I went in there, I couldn't stop myself from trying to convince the cashier, "A cat barfed on my cupcakes so I came back for more and I totally didn't eat them all in one sitting like the last time."  I imagine I would seem as credible as when I told the pharmacist I accidentally dumped all my Xanax down the drain - totally true, FYI - and no I did not use them recreationally even though they pack a super good buzz, particularly when chased with a glass of Savignon blanc and now I need some more, yes, right now, please, and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME WITH THAT MIX OF PITY AND FEAR? 

You know what?  I've probably said too much.  

Comments

[A Jill of All Trades]

Just tell them your containtainer was destroyed and ask them for another one then transfer the cupcakes.

No harm no foul!

[Kate]

The Goddess & Grocer cupcakes are my absolute faves here in Chicago! They will even keep in your freezer for at least a week or until you take a sick day and your boss finds your secret stash and tosses them out because he CLEARLY does not understand that when interior designers throw carpet samples at your head the only thing that makes the rage dissipate is devil's food with mounds of sweet, sweet buttercream on top. But I digress. And now I'm making a pit stop on my way home from work tonight.

[JD]

This story made me chuckle and remember the time a patient came into the pharmacy I worked at and blamed her cats for knocking her open bottle of Xanax laying on the counter into the dishwater, thereby dissolving the tablets and necessitating a replacement supply. We gave it to her, so tuck that one in your back pocket for future use :-)

[Stacey Ballis]

I much appreciated the non-vomitous cupcakes that Jen brought over last night, and while I myself would have just transferred the originals out of the upchuck container and put them on a plate, nevertheless, Jen got major extra points for TWO cupcake runs.

She does not, however, get extra points for bringing me SIX different flavors and then refusing to eat any, and leaving me alone in my house, slightly tipsy on pink champagne, with them.

Because I? Managed to taste (read: eat half of) all of them while watching Without A Trace reruns, going to bed at 2am in a major sugar coma. And then forgot my little bacchanal until I woke up this morning to what looked like a cupcake autopsy in the box on my coffeetable.

"This one appears to have been neatly sliced by a four inch blade of butter-knife proportions, while THIS one has ragged edges and clear toothmarks. I think we can pull a partial thumbprint off the frosting on the Red Velvet one..."

If I am arrested for wanton cupcake massacre, just remember it was Jen's fault.

[Soren]

Please Please Please come to Toronto? It's an awesome city, like NYC but cleaner :) and we soooooo love you up here too!
It's only an hour flight from Chicago!
pleeeeeeease? At least consider/mention it to the powers that be.

[Shawna]

That is a serious dilemma. I think you should take Robyn's advice. Dazzle them with your brilliant personality but the heck out of those cupcakes!

BTW, I just stumbled upon your books and decided to start at the beginning. I am reading Bitter and I just finished the chapter about the marathon/favor. I just wanted you to know that I was laughing so hard I almost wet my pants. I can't wait to see what happens next!

[jenn]

You know what? If I had a crest, you know on a shield hanging on my living room wall..."Cupcake up, Bitch" would totally be the motto on it.

[Alyssa]

Thank you so much for Boston! Will be there!

[iamlandlocked]

Cupcake dilemmas. These are the kind of problems we should all have. Throw on a hat, go buy new ones for Stephanie, and enjoy the old ones for yourself. You could make smiley faces in the icing with Xanax. (If you use your dog's Xanax, not that I would ever do that mind you, you will have more to work with because they're bigger tablets.)

Personally, I prefer my Xanax with vodka (Hangar One Mandarin Blossom, thank you).

If I'm really going to mellow my harsh, red wine (like a nice big cabernet) with Vicodin is the way to go. I have exactly 7 left from my knee surgery last year. I hoard them for special occasions the way some people do vintage champagnes.

[Julie]

SWIRLZ - http://www.swirlzcupcakes.com/

Yummy Yum, Yum

Try them.

[Julie]

SWIRLZ - http://www.swirlzcupcakes.com/

Yummy Yum, Yum

Try them.

[meira]

just wanted to say i think you da bomb diggity! :)

i'm reading your books out of order. i dunno why, but who cares? i BOUGHT them. :)

because you rock and i want you to get more royalties.

am so glad you're now famous successful writer. felt so sad reading of your fall from dot.com royalty and am so glad you are now queen of the funniest blog in cyberspace. :)

yeah, i know i'm late to the party. but i brought compliments, so that's cool, right? :)

[Tamara]

CUPCAKE UP BITCHES!!!!!!!!
Line of the day.

[Miss M]

I think my comment might be too late, but try Cupcake (yes, that is the name of the store) or Swirlz- both are fabulous and both should be close to you!

[Lisa Johnson]

Just tell them your friend loved them soooo much that you're buying them to take to another friends house for dessert. THEN WINK. They'll spend sooo much time trying to decide just what the wink meant you'll be in and out before they realize what happened.

[Carey]

Okay I know from personal experience that Sweet Mandy B's is a judgement-free zone. That shop single handedly added six inches to my ass when I was a freshman at DePaul. While I have high esteem for SMB's (okay, you know you've got a problem when you give them a nickname), I have been really into Molly's Cupcakes lately. Two words... RED VELVET!

[Shannan]

You seriously freakin' crack me up! Pllllleeeeeaaaaaaaassssseeee come to Southern California (LA area)!

[Valarie]

Damn...now I want a cupcake...

[Soren]

I don't understand why you can't put the cupcakes in a new container???
But if you must get new ones, by all means, hold your head high and go in and get them-- and consider getting a wholesaler discount, given that you have proven that you can move volume of their product!

[Phyllis]

So, I have two thoughts on this.
1) Why can't you just put them in another container? There is no way in hell I'd throw out perfectly good cupcakes if they'd not been touched by cat vomit.
2) Obviously your cat was trying to be helpful, given all of your fitness-related efforts. Trying to save you from yourself.

[Rachael]

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but I probably would have (very carefully) taken the cupcakes out of the box, placed them decoratively on another dish, wrapped them in Press-N-Seal, and taken them to my friend anyway without a word! :)

[Christine Burke]

Yeah, do Jen Cognito proud. Don the pearls say "Shalom Motherfuckers, give me the cupcakes!!"

[LJ]

Oh! Sounds like the cats don't properly appreciate the importance and value of cupcakes. Smart move by you. And let them look on. Must. Have. CUPCAKES! :)

[Sara, Chicago]

OMG, so glad you gave Sweet Mandy B's another shot! There are no words to describe the way I feel about their cupcakes. It's a joke with my in-laws...we have Sweet Mandy B's, call Sara over. If we were BFF's ;) we could share the duties of picking up the cupcakes!

[Jodie Kash]

I feel the same way every time I "spill" or “break” or “lose” an entire bottle and return to the sweet Armenian man behind the counter at the liquor store.

[Carrie]

I would feel the damn guilt too - even though you are totally legit.

Also -- I can't put your book down! I brought it to my son's baseball practice and told all the other ladies how stinkin' funny you are.

They were all like, "What's a blog?" Sheesh, they need to expand their horizons a bit, don't you think?

[MazingAmy]

You didn't say too much. :) Xanax/Vicodin and wine together is a good (accidental) buzz I've felt before too. In an "I'm a dumbass" way by taking the xanax for anxiety or insomnia and then an hour later drinking wine, forgetting I took the pill and then POW OH HAI AM LOOOOOOOOPY. LOLZ

[Spyder]

"My cat puked on it" ...lol I'm so going to use that. It's even better because everyone knows that I don't have a cat, so it says that I don't even care if you know I'm lying. lol.

Reminds me of when someone asks me a question or for directions or something and I respond, "Look dude, I don't speak English alright? Yes. No. Please. Thank you. ...Bathroom. Beat it."

...or I give directions to wherever. Makes ME laugh! ...or when they ask you to take their photo, I ALWAYS cut their heads off. LOL!!! Digital cameras kinda ruined that one for me. Hopefully digital cameras are a fad and will be out like the hula-hoop in no time.

[Taylor]

Were you excited as I was to see Spike get the boot?

[Beth]

Xanax? Totally needs a Gerwurtztraminer. Pinot grigio is best when chasing effexor.

And now, completely unrelated from a new reader.

Okay, seriously? I appreciate you. I mean, your writing. Rock. Its so awesome to find a (semi-)public figure who is willing to not only make fun of the morons around her, but recognizes that she is also a little absurd at times, a little off-kilter, and is okay with it. Some one who isn't a size two and swears that "just a few more pounds, and she'll be perfect." Thank you for being happy with who you are. Thank you for being willing to say what you think. I've been the girl with no filter between her brain and her mouth for freakin' ever, so its nice to have some one who is willing to say, "Yeah, I said it, deal with it or go away," put their story, their thoughts and issues out there for the world to consider. Thank you.

[amyinbc]

And you say it so well!

I'll second that. Xanax and a glass of wine is a delicious combo. Not that I would know but... ;)

[Ginny]

I have a long-haired cat who threw up hairballs every few days. I've started giving her about 1/2 teaspoon size squeeze of Laxatone hairball remedy mixed into her breakfast each morning which has reduced the barfing quite a bit (now only maybe once every couple of weeks). That and I also brush her at least every second day to try to remove as much loose hair as possible.

I don't know how many cats you have and/or whether any of them are long-haired, but it just seems like you deal with a lot of kitty barf all the time! Maybe some Laxatone would help?? (Most cats love it and will lick it right out of the tube but my little princess has to have it mixed into her wet food so she doesn't know it's there before she will eat it ... SO spoiled, I know!)

[SnarkyMommy]

The definitely don't have the same people working everyday. It's sad that I know that isn't it?

BTW, went to New York last weekend and stood in line for 45 minutes (no lie) at Magnolia for cupcakes. And damn, they were good. But I am going to have to say Sweet Mandy B's are better. The cake is moister than the cake at Magnolia, but Magnolia has an edge on the frosting.

[Aphrodite]

I think Jen was soo hammered when she posted this. I post like that, too, when I'm buzzed. Like right now! HA!
I find a petite syrah works wonders!
Rock on!

[blackbird]

You're so SILLY - Xanax goes with PINOT GRIGIO.

Sheesh.

[LuLu]

Please don't care! If you want to buy 85 cupcakes to break them open and wallow around in their velvety goodness until your fabulous arms, shoulders and excellent muscles get wrinkly - so what?? What happens during Top Chef stays...ummm...somewhere, but still - enjoy!
You deserve it - just read SAPF and really felt inspired to become an early morning work outer today. So those cupcakes? Are yours!

[Leslie]

Molly's Cupcakes on Clark just north of Deming is fantastic. The Ron Bennington cupcake has so many good things in it. And they even have dirt and worms cake (the chocolate-y, Oreo-y, gummy worm-y goodness of our youth) served in adorable little flower pots!

[brandi]

mmmm...cupcakes and xanax...and wine...where's the party?

[Kristine]

When I read this, I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe. I have a kitty with chronic hairballs too with really weird aim. I hope you got more cupcakes and kept them away from the cat. Cheers!

[Poppy Buxom]

Jen, just march boldly in and dazzle them with your beauty, wit, charm, pearls, and PR skills.

Order those cupcakes, and while they're packing them up, mention how you blogged about their excellent cupcakes on your extremely popular blog, and have they ever thought about starting a mail-order delivery service because the thousands of readers who hang onto your every word would be thrilled to order their cupcakes.

BTW, this is not just readers outside of the Chicago area. Yahoo! Maps tells me that storefront is only 19.5 miles away from me. With an estimated travel time of only 33 minutes.

[Robyn]

Wasting those cupcakes would be like wasting the 14 tons of still sealed and packaged Double Stuf Oreos that were spilled on I-80 in Morris last week. Do we really need another dessert tragedy? Get your friend new cupcakes (if they know what's good for them and their business they will take your money and shut the hell up) and five-second rule the vomit ones (or however long it was...)

[Bittersweetheart]

If they know what's good for them and their business they will take your money and shut the hell up. Who's to say you didn't have two friends with birthdays and you wanted each friend to have superfresh cupcakes?!

Also? Wasting those cupcakes would be like wasting the 14 tons of still sealed/packaged Double Stuf Oreos on I-80 in Morris last week. Do we REALLY want another dessert tragedy??? Get your friend new cupcakes, five-second rule the other ones. (or however long it was... 0:-)

[Heather B.]

I walked into my kitchen to stick a bottle of Riesling into the fridge to chill and the second I stepped on the floor I felt my foot slip a little. I looked down to see a massive pile of chunky cat vomit. And if that isn't bad enough, there was a trail of cat vomit and then another spot of upchuck and then another trail and another spot of upchuck. So be thankful.

Also; you're welcome for that story. Still want me to come visit?

[Rhi]

I'm going to have to use the cat barf excuse as well. It's a good one. And, anyone who knows my cat, knows that she's a compulsive over-eater, so it's totally believable.

[Holly]

mmmmm, Miette. I just discovered their Confiserie is a few blocks from my middle-of-the-downtown-ghetto-located office. Moose, please do not eat all the salt caramels before I get there!

There is no shame in going back for more cupcakes - you can just say that they were such a hit at the party the night before, that you needed more for tonight!

[Rachel]

Mmmmm....cupcakes. I made banana cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and I might have to go have one now.

[Fe]

Purveyors of cupcakes are not allowed to pass judgment.

[Moose]

I'm totally using your cat barf excuse the next time I go into Miette (home of the best salt caramels and chocolate ganache in this dimension) and the salesgirls greet me by name. Which they do. Because I (apparently) spend a lot of money on salt caramels. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.

[JenBun]

That is a perfectly legitimate cupcake emergency. So who cares what the cupcake ladies think?!? It's for a BIRTHDAY!

[TheMama]

Ok, this would SO be me! I have a mini-freakout when I'm out writing at a cafe and then pick up another little something for TheHubby on the way out. I feel like after I leave the cashier and the barista will have a conversation a little something like -

"Hey, wasn't that chick sitting in the corner with a coffee and a muffin for like an hour?"
"Yeah! Did she just order something else to go?"
"Uh-huh! Gawd, what a FAT ASS!"

I've even gone so far as to read the order off of a post-it to make it clear that it's not for me. I also gave a drink back once to get whipped cream on it and made a point of saying that he specifically asked for it so I wouldn't look like a crazed sugar fiend.

Whew! Confession really is good for the soul.