I'm Back! (Until Tomorrow)

Setting:  The front hallway, right off the living room.  My giant suitcase is open and I'm sorting its contents into piles before I take it back upstairs to re-pack for Boston.  Fletch sits catty-corner in the living room watching me work.

Him:  What's that big stack of colored paper?

Me:  These are gift bags.  Check out some of the presents people brought to my readings!  (use Vanna White-type skills to lift and display items such as engraved bookmarks, gourmet caramels, hand-crafted mugs, Target dog, etc.) 

Him:  Wow.

Me:  I know, right?  How cool is that?  I'm just glad people actually come to these things.  Presents are totally a bonus.

Him:  (points) What kind of wine did you get?

Me:  (gestures to the bottles) These are all Chardonnay.

Him:  But I thought you only drank German wine.

Me:  No, honey.  That's you who doesn't drink Chardonnay.  I like anything white.  Plus, I'm always writing about "sweating Chardonnay" because it sounds funnier than "sweating Riesling" so I imagine that's why people chose what they did.  Also?  You should have seen all the cupcakes I got!  One girl made me Margarita flavored ones and they were about the best thing I've ever tasted.

Him:  Oh.

(long pause)

Him:  (looking thoughtful) Hey, you know what you should do?

Me:  What's that, honey?

Him:  Before you go to Boston, instead of saying you like wine and cupcakes, you should tell everyone you like bourbon and five dollar bills.

* * *

Speaking of Boston, don't forget I'll be at the Borders on 511 Boylston St. at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, June 25!

(No bourbon or five dollar bills required.)

Comments

[Meagan Farrell]

Hey Jen,

So I just started reading Such a Pretty Fat and I almost fell out of my chair when I read the part about your mom and her healthy cooking. I thought I was the only kid in America who had to grow up eating wheat germ pancakes! I am glad to know that I am not the only one bareing these emotional scars.

Your books rock! Keep writing them.

Meagan Farrell
Washington State

[Maddie]

Hope that the Boston tour was good. Although I was one of the people who begged you to put it on the list, I was out of town for work on Wednesday and missed you. I'm totally bummed. Hopefully next time! :)

[Julie B]

Setting: Me watching ‘So You Think You Can Dance” weekly kick-off edition. Boyfriend: frantically packing in order to move in two days from our place in Fenway/Boston (Mecca) to new place in Jamaica Plain/Boston (near Sam Adams Brewery).

Me: Avoiding reading your 3rd book so I can save it to read tomorrow while waiting seven hours for furniture and washer/dryer deliveries; decide to read Jensylvania.com

Boyfriend: Wrapping 6 year old bottles of unopened hard alcohol to bring to new home to continue to sit unopened on shelf in new home for 10 more years.

Me: Drinking wine and start to read Jensylania. Me yelling out, “Boyfriend, that author I love and keep reading her books was in Boston yesterday and I had no idea.”

Boyfriend: “Really.”

Me: Devastated. How could this have happened? I have told all my friends about you, begged them to catch on, passed on your books, and even brought you up on the night we went to see Sex and the City the movie – yet no smoke signal from friends or the Gods to let me know you were in town : (.

Me to You: Please write 4th book ASAP, and come back to Boston to promote it ASAP.

[Laura A.]

THANK YOU for coming to Boston last night! We really enjoyed your visit! Such a cute dress too!

It was nice seeing your mom and all your aunts too. I hope Fletch enjoys the Max Brooks book! Sorry there were no five dollar bils and /or bourbon attached! Enjoy the rest of your tour!

[Rob]

Jen, I'm the boyfriend of the girl who made you the margarita cupcakes. First of all, I'd like to apologize because I ate half of the first batch she made for you. I didn't know you were coming to Phoenix, and the "if they are left on the counter and she's not home to stop me" rule went into effect. Spending the night on the couch with no pillow was almost worth it.

Second...Fletch, watch out. These are the best damn things you will ever have. Because of these cup cakes I now have to compete in a heavier weight division in my judo tournaments. She has been able to divert my attention away from numerous televised sports events with them.

Thanks for coming down to Phoenix, you made my girlfriend's week!

[LB]

You were amazing in Boston last night and looked awesome! Your family is so cute, too. Maybe pull for a bigger location next time? I think there were over 5x as many people as chairs. We were all hanging out in the stacks of DVDs. Awesome reading, and I hope Boston made it worthwhile for you to add us to your tour schedule!

[janay]

Great to meet you last night in Boston....can't wait for the new book. We had such a good time...tell Fletch sorry but were running late and didn't buy the Jim Beam.

[Alison Driscoll]

Came to hear you read last night in Boston and you are even funnier in person, if that's possible. I had forgotten about your "girl doctor" escapades and have a solution for your next visit: Healing Threads hospital gown.

They're cute, comfy and available in pink! They keep everything covered except whatever the doctor needs to see at that moment; look at the pics on the website for a better idea of what I mean. They're genius, if you ask me!
http://www.spirited-sisters.com/

Thanks again for making the trip to Boston! Your family is adorable.

[Sarrah]

Hey Jen -

On a side note... have you heard of goodreads.com? I would think you have. It's really a great site - I've been on there for about 1 year now. Hope to see you on there! :)

- Sara.

[Jenn in AZ]

I'm so glad you liked the cupcakes! Next time you come to town I'll make the full-sized cupcakes instead of the mini ones!

For anyone who wants the recipe, send me an email to margarita.cupcakes@yahoo.com.

I'll try to get the recipe sent out by this weekend!

[pineapple]

oh...

my...

god...

BEST NIGHT EVER!!!! thank you thank you thank you for coming into Boston and not thinking I'm 100% completely a spazz AND for having an awesome possum reading!

YAY! cannot wait for book #4 (and more!)

[blackbird]

Is catty-corner the same as kitty-corner?

[Suzanne]

Add my name to the list for the Margarita cupcakes...they sound awesome!

[Daszzle]

Margarita flavored cupcakes and other goodies?! Now I always wanted to be a writer, but that takes the cake. I'm sold :)

[lesli]

I saw you on Showcase Minnesota while you were in Minneapolis last week. You looked and sounded great! Loved that cute dress. Sadly, I missed your book signing as I had another obligation. Glad you got so many great gifts! Cupcakes and wine. :)

[Kristen]

I don't like boubon but I like $5's - sorry I didn't bring a gift but I thought my kickin' rain boots were inspiration enough. Next time, I'll bring something unique.

[pineapple]

literally counting.down.the.hours. until borders tonight! YAY!!!

hopefully the weather is a bit better round these parts, it's all melty/soggy/chewy/melty/rainy.

[Andrea]

I just wanted to tell you that I finished "Such A Pretty Fat" last week and laughed so much that my husband decided to read it as well (my Mom is next in line). Now my husband swears that you and I were separated at birth...almost everything you wrote about in your book I have done or felt at some point. My husband is a dog trainer and really appreciated the part about wearing the bear skin and scaring the dogs. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for writing a book that allows me to accept my large frame AND motivates me to be healthier. I am SO TIRED of being told, "At least you have a pretty face, some fat people aren't that lucky".

[Missy]

Did you come to Houston and I missed it? If not, are you coming here?

[myrtle]

Margherita cupcakes?? GAG... I can just imagine the cake tasting like tequila.. and what for frosting?? .. a thick layer of salt on top?? Blech...

[carrotpenis]

Have Fletch shoot me an address and a phone number. I'll messenger him some bourbon over; he'll have to rely on you for the fins. Love your blog; may have to break down and read a book. www.beamglobal.com

[carrotpenis]

Have Fletch shoot me an address and a phone number. I'll messenger him some bourbon over; he'll have to rely on you for the fins. Love your blog; may have to break down and read a book. www.beamglobal.com

[Ariella Kadosh]

Love your books, I know you sold the Korean rights, but are there any other foreign languages? I checked Sifrutake (people who sell american authors in hebrew), but i couldnt find you. I want my mom to read your books and her english stinks. Please bring your books to hebrew! :)

[Alison Driscoll]

So excited for the Boston reading tomorrow! Can't wait to hear the snark dripping in your voice.

[A Jill of All Trades (Wendy)]

Margarita flavored cupcakes?!?! *GASP!!*

Fletch has a good idea!

[shannon d.]

Jen- My aunt and cousin saw you at your Denver signing, and since I couldn't be there (I am in So. IL, and travel is too expensive right now), they took a cell phone picture of you to send me. THANK YOU!!!! It totally made me not feel so bad for not getting to meet you. And they have a signed book insert thing for me--- THANKS THANKS THANKS!!! Love your books, love your blog! (And btw, it IS catty-cornered, in reference to earlier comment, lol)

[Becky from Boston]

I just finished "Bitter is the New Black" I found myself laughing on the train and bus - people stare but I really don't care. Sorry you had such a rough time in your job search but glad to see you never gave up. I will miss you at Borders although I would love to be there I am back in the 'burbs' for martini's with my spin buddies by 6. I have your other two books to read and hope they are as funny as the first. FYI - I read about the books in the Metro newspaper - a friend found the article and turned me on to your books.

[wendy]

Come to DC and I will bring you a big bottle of bourbon for Fletch and Riesling for you.

[Erin]

Shameless. But that's why we like you. Now please come to St. Louis...we have Bourbon and $5 and you don't even have to go to the East side.

Safe travels!

[Katherine in TX]

I am totally LMAO. Loved you in Phoenix. Wish you had more time.
Boston people, get there early, it's worth it!!
I am sweating Chardonnay today after a girl's night out and too many bottles of wine.

[stephanie]

loved the book...as an Atkins dieter at the moment, it's the easiest one for me, having tried all the methods you tried.

I'd bring you bourbon and $5 bills and chardonnay and cupcakes from a local hot spot if you just came to Sacramento!

[LivitLuvit]

I'll see you in Boston Jen! Ask Fletch if he likes Irish Whiskey- it flows like water here...

livitluvit.blogspot.com

[Bonnie K.]

Jen: I gotta tell you...I am the 10+ years older repressed version of you, and my husband is the thin "I only eat to live" version of Fletch. It's nuts. Up until I started reading the memoirs of your (or my) life, I would only THINK what you actually SAY and then come home and tell my husband "What I REALLY wanted to say is.........". Example: I always pick up his race packs (he runs) and when it comes to the t-shirt line (he's a S or M), a tall, skinny, muscle bound woman says "XL"? I used to say "No, it's for my husband..." and slink away like a snake pig. Last time, I said "How about a medium, hon, 'cause I like 'em to fit nice and tight?" The tranny almost fainted. Thank you for liberating me.

[Finnegan]

I am not Tanya, this is Finnegan.

[Finnegan]

You have to come to milwaukee, you live right on top of us,besides you have to explain what a WRAP AROUND IS!!!!!!!! I am as old as your mother.

[Tonya]

LOL, smart man.

[dodim]

I saw Jen in Denver - and if she comes to your town GO!!!! It was a great time. See Jen on my blog:

http://djmlife.blogspot.com/

[Andrea]

I thought I had everything set to see you up in Boston. I got the time off work, conned my dad into letting my mom and me borrow his new GPS gadjet, and secured a car for the trip up. But of course my car decides that last saturday would be a perfect day to kill its transmission.

I am currently calling out to whatever higher powers decide to take mercy on me.
Sincerly,
Car troubles on The Cape

[smason7]

Soooo excited that you're coming to Boston!! My friends and I can't wait! You are fabulous!!!

[sweetney]

finished the book. loved it and gifting it to everyone i know, forever and ever amen. xo

PS: please come to baltimore? please?

[Jodi]

Jen,

You are the absolute BEST!!!! I laugh through my lunch hour reading your books!!! I'm almost done book 2...and can't wait to read "Such a Pretty Fat"....its next on my list....and Fletch?? He is too funny!!! keep writing...we need more JEN!!!!

[Nina]

So not an important point, but I was so glad to see you write "catty corner". I always say that and everyone tells me that I am wrong and that it is "kitty corner".

[alg]

So bummed I couldn't make it to your signing in Phx. (Damn unreasonable gas prices...)
You rock. Hope to catch you next time you're in the Southwest --
Amy, Tucson

[Stephanie]

So great that you used Vanna in your post, I am currently watching Wheel of Fortune from Chicago. Just finished bright lights today can't wait to start the next on vaca next week!

[Elisa]

I know you probably like 5-dollar bills, but do you actually like Bourbon? Or would that be for Fletch's benefit? :-)

[southernfriedgirl]

A friend got my book signed for me while you were in MN. I'm so excited.

I hope with your next book you do more southern dates - specifically, New Orleans. :)

[rebecca]

I hate to be the one to break the news but here in Boston its frizzy totally sucky hair weather!
see you Wednesday !!!

[The Daily Rant]

Just finished "Pretty Fat" and not only did I LOVE it, but I think we were seperated at birth. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper. SO, SO similar that it was actually kinda creepy. Good creepy, though.

I think you are fabulously funny, just the right amount of bitchy and quite beautiful. I also want a step-by-step post about your skin care and make-up application routine. I am 40 also and have always had FLAWLESS skin and an equally flawless makeup application, but this year the lack of flaw seems to be slipping away.
I want your recipe for radiance!!

I will be buying your other two books and passing this one along now that I'm done with it. I travel the country for my job (I'm a truck driver, believe it or not) and I will do my very best to get to one of your book signings.

And please, don't EVER consider moving to Texas - I almost had heart failure when I read that - stay FAR, FAR away from the Lonestar state. It's so not you.

Thanks for the great read! And thank you (and Fletch) for the "Don't Try. Do or Don't Do." credo. It's my new mantra.

Salena Lettera
The Daily Rant
www.bellavenere.blogspot.com

[paige]

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but since you are coming to Boston, I think you should know that a cupcake cafe recently opened in Back Bay. I haven't been, but it looks delicious!

http://www.sweetcupcakes.com/index.html

[Kelly]

Now I am not only obsessed with picking out the perfect outfit (think I'm settling on a wrap dress from kiyonna) but I also have to think of the perfect gift! Am afraid if I bring booze I will drink it in line. Ditto with eating any cupcakes. Is it gauche to just bring target gift cards?