On Report

Fletch and I have been catching up on our TiVo cache this week so last night we watched an episode of Last Comic Standing.  Even though our beloved Jay Mohr no longer hosts, we still dig the show because it's one of the few programs we can agree on - Fletch isn't subjected to a lot of amateur singing and youthful delusion, and I don't have to see in-depth analysis of the merits of the Panzer tank vs. the Sherman tank. 

Anyway, mid-way through the show, a comic did a bit about having previously been a teacher's aid.  He talked about the effort it took to find something positive to say about children who were positively horrible, e.g. telling parents their kids had "a lot of energy," which really meant, "Put Junior on Ritalin, stat!"  The bit was funny and we laughed in all the right places, particularly since we find other people's poor parenting a great source of amusement.  (FYI, this is also why we keep shopping at our local Target.)  (I've mentioned we're jerks, yes?) 

We quietly high-fived ourselves on not being responsible for having brought any demon spawn into this world.  I sat there ensconced in my smug sense of superiority until I remembered something.  Specifically, I recalled how a look of relief washed over the vet tech's face when we announced we were there to claim Maisy and Loki on Saturday after returning from a night in Indianapolis.  Now that I think of it, the tech wasn't smiling so much as she was gritting her teeth as she practically water-skied behind the tugging, leashed dogs. 

When I asked the tech how the dogs had behaved, she hesitated before she said, "They... they felt right at home." 

It just now occurs to me when the dogs are home, they ignore any attempts at discipline, they jump on our guests, they sleep on all the beds and couches, they steal the cats' food, and they pee on the rug in the front hallway.

Oh. 

Oh noes!

I then rooted around in my purse to find the paperwork the tech handed me as we were leaving.  They'd prepared a report card of our pets' behavior.  At the time, I was proud of the dogs for sailing through their stay, receiving high praise.  But upon re-reading, I see that the kennel employs the same practices as the hopeful comedian's old school district.

"Maisy and Loki LOVE to play.  They are very excitable and very active."

(You need doggie Ritalin.  Or possibly an exorcism.)

"Both dogs are always on the move.  Maisy loves the ball and Loki loves chasing Maisy around."

(Seriously, they wore our asses out.  WTF is wrong with them?  Do you feed them coffee or something?)

"They did not engage in group playtime with any other dogs."

(Your dogs share exactly the same kind of sociopathic behavior you and your husband exhibit and we kept them far the fuck away from normal people's pets.)

"They both ate well while they were here."

(Your dogs are little piggies.)

"There were no problems with elimination."

(Maisy peed on our rug.  And in our lobby.  And on our porch.  But not outside.)

So in case you were wondering?

Comments

[Kristin]

Oh dear Lord.

My two "children" (and the help of a third temporary interloper) ate my couch last week. Literally. I walked in, and there was a pile of stuffing where there used to be couch.

They're also on their eighth pair of shoes. Something about patent leather pointed toe stilleto in pieces makes me FAR more stabby than the distruction of the much more expensive although far less able to take everywhere and look good at all times sofa.

[Denise]

Just catching up on your blog. New book was great - loved it! But now after reading this about the dogs, I am 100% sure we are living the same life only 100's of miles apart. If you ever come to Charlotte and want to feel at home, come on by! My two beast will be gald to welcome you with jumping, ball playing and pissing/puking all over the place. Maybe you can answer this - why in the hell do we have leather furniture with dogs and cats? WTF is wrong with me?!

[Kelly]

So... yeah...Well.. On the Bright Side... Um.. hmmm. OK I GOT IT, On the Bright side they are not 1 year old children. And.. U can just Tell Fletch that u have created an allergy to the filling inside all the stuff they destroy..Im sure they have a name for it.. I know tell them It Reminds u of Furries.. U know the weirdos that dress up in costumes to be all kinky.. Tell him it freaks u out. Then he can clean it up.

[melissa]

Thank you for the belly laugh. I was a teacher and always tried a direct approach for comments since being polite meant people didn't get it. But we all knew what "excitable and curious" really meant...

[princess stephani]

I am glad to see I am not the only one with a "problem child". I have two..one furry and one not so much(unless he takes after my husband...then he better consider making manscaping a daily ritual). But they are cute!

[Kathryn]

this? made me laugh OUT LOUD ... as my puppy Scout is peeing quietly on the fireplace hearth, again

[Le'Chelle]

Dude, you should sooo consider to start watching The Dog Whisperer. I am totally hooked, and I don’t feel guilty about watching hours of TV while my husband works b/c thanks to those hours my dogs now no longer run out the door when we are trying to walk through it. Although the down side is that my husband keeps poking me in the neck saying "tsst!". Anyway, just a suggestion.

[morganzmom]

that pic just cracks me up -- as a parent of a toddler, two cats that randomly pee and barf on anything in the house, and a beagle that's in serious need of doggie Ritalin, i can so relate. even tho i love my kid and all, i can't stand most other little brats who cry, scream and wail when they don't get their own way and who need a good kick in the butt. instead of non-smoking sections in restaurants? how about kid-free sections (and yes, i'm a parent who's saying that!)

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

I too was the owner of a precious kitty named Sweetie, who had the label "USE EXTREME CAUTION" on the top of his vet file...My father was so embarrassed that he tried to get it removed from the file, just like Elaine from that Seinfeld episode.

Sweetie was so embarrassing and would "act the fool" so completely at the vet, that we'd draw straws on who'd have to take him. That's when we knew he was really sick, when he'd be docile at the vet. Sadly, we had to put him down last year, at 14 years old. Man, I miss him and his foolishness.

[amanda]

It makes me feel good that your dogs aren't very well potty trained and that you talk about them peeing, etc, inside. My dog refuses to poop outside (but she will pee out there), and pretty much always does it in the same spot in our house. She's little, so it's not a huge steaming pile of poop, but poop nonetheless, so it is gross. When I talk about it, people just look at me like I'm a failure and a bad person because I don't want to put our little sweetheart in a cage all day long or rub her face in it. (Hello! I nuzzle her face, why would I want to rub it in poop?)

[Laura]

HOORAY!!!! YOU ARE COMING TO BOSTON!!! CAN'T WAIT!!

[Steph]

Wanted to say that it was great to meet you in person last Friday.

And yes...teachers really do employ those tactics. Which is why I had to get out of the teaching game, as I'm more of a shoot-from-the-hip kind of girl.

[Jodie]

Jen, if you ever stop blogging/writing books it will be one of the saddest days of my life.

[T]

It isn't you. My dog is so well-behaved and sweet the doggie daycare/kennel used her in their ads. My kid? Nothing like my dog.

[shannon d.]

i'm cracking up. and i'm a parent who secretly is smug at other people's brats. it's called discipline people, dispense some. i get it honest though, my heathen intolerant dad once asked the mother of a raging monster at the grocery store if she would like him to smack her kid for her. lol. and the mother was actually pissy about this offer of help. lol. how unappreciative.

[Bryndian]

Maybe I'm behind the times, but this is my first trip to Jennsylvania. As the CF "mom" of the Four Dachshunds of the Apocalypse (really, I have a picture and everything), this absolutely made my day. I saw the picture, and looked over at four grinning, "angelic" dachshund faces and laughed until I couldn't breathe and the hubby had to come make sure I wasn't dying.

I'll have to check your books out, too!

[Shannon]

PS- ask me about the time Shiloh pulled all the oven knobs off the oven and turned the gas on, filling the closed-up house with poison while I was at work. If I hadn't come home for lunch, boy, my neighbors woulda been pissed.

[Shannon]

Love the dog stories and the pictures, as I am the hapless guardian of two utterly delightful and entirely naughty rescue mutts. My friends with their well-trained, perfectly behaved pedigreed pooches- they don't know what they're missing! Children mostly make me grimace- dogs? I'd have 12 if I could retire on lottery winnings!

[Erica]

A picture says a thousand words.

Love it!

Someone at the dog park told me last night that a tired dog is a happy dog. I guess so they don't do stuff like this? I am not sure. Mine is currently chase an empty powerade bottle around the house and barking. I guess he could have used another trip to the dog park today.

[marveyb]

My sweet, kisses-all-around, runt-of-the-litter kitty Simon has a bright orange file at the vet's office. The large letters on the front of the file state "Wear Gloves: Will Attack and BITE." Oh the shame!!!

[KLM]

And this? Right here? Is why I love you.

[jenny]

Our lab/foxhound mix (read: giant beagle) is reeeeally tall, and is able to pull things off the counter or out of our kitchen sink... I'm short multiple pieces of tupperware, and I have to remind my husband every day to put the coffee creamer in the cabinet. Do you have any idea what powdered coffee creamer mixed with dog slobber does in shag carpeting?!

[Rachel]

LOVE those doggie faces.

[Lori]

Dogs = WAY better than kids! Ive had lots of dogs, one kid, and that ratio seems just about right to me. My dogs can trash my house. Id send a kid to reform school, or the carnival.

(Check out my blog http://www.fermentedfur.com for the 6/3 Open Letter to my Neighbors concerning MY DOGS... and there is actually a picture of the shredded screen in my bay Window. Brody gets excited. Sundays blog has great clips of Darwin swimming for the first time.)

[Lisa]

I find this post particularlty funny since I just handed out report cards to my kindergarten students! I can always count on you for a chuckle at the end of a looonnngg day! Thanks!

[Krista]

I actually never thought of our doggie daycare's report cards like this...now that you mentioned it I get a lot of "Reilley loves to bark and play keep away with his toys" (Reilley barks all of the time and won't let anyone near his toys without threatening to take a limb).

Huh, go figure.

[Katherine]

2 dogs, no kids. I once thought it snowed in the summer before I realized it was 3 couch pillows in pieces all over the back yard. Why, oh why??
On a different note, I'M COMING TO ARIZONA FOR THE BOOK SIGNING. ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS. Yes, I know you were in Texas before and it's way closer but I couldn't make the date and my best friend lives in Phoenix, hence the trip. So am I really coming to see you or her? Hmmm, both.

[Heather in Texas]

Seriously, you have to blow up that pic to an 8 x 10 with the quote and hang up! That is the funniest damn thing. Saw the pic before, but is even funnier with the quote!

LOVED, LOVED, LOVED, THE NEW BOOK!! WHEN IS THE NEXT ONE?!?!

[tutugirl1345]

I totally understand the pet as child thing. My BF's cat knows that it can get away with everything when I'm around, whereas he's a perfect angel when the BF is around. In fact, the BF told me last night in all seriousness that we needed to work on our "co-parenting" of the cat. I guess I really shouldn't have children either.

[Kelly]

Sooo loved the pictures of your dogs! I laughed so hard, just what I needed today! Just finished reading your book "Pretty Fat", it was the first of your books I have read. Am looking to read your others. I admire your honesty, and your humor. Cannot remember when I last enjoyed a book so much! Thanks!

[Kindredly]

Ohhhh.....Lovely. Sounds like my house with my two beagles a.k.a terrors. The picture, of course, is priceless.

[Carrie]

So that's what the lady at the kennel was talking about when she told me that Roy was "really excited around the other dogs." Read: He tried to hump each and every one of them.

Now, I know.

[Phyllis]

I find that my tolerance for unruly children in public increases with the age of my daughters. (They're teenagers now.)

When I used to teach, I never made up stuff about my students. I just refrained from comment. But I love what Lisa Ann said!

[Megan]

You completely made my day. Everytime I begin to brag about how my dog "really is growing out of his puppyhood"...charms shall we say...he proves me wrong yet again. Just in the past two weeks two throw pillows and a couch cushion have been sacrificed in order that he entertain himself while I am gone. And he will be 3 in September...which I recently learned is something like 25 in dog years (perhaps he just needs to get laid???). When all else fails I simply explain that he is a boy. This works particularly well when he has confiscated yet another pair of my underwear...

[Megan]

You completely made my day. Everytime I begin to brag about how my dog "really is growing out of his puppyhood"...charms shall we say...he proves me wrong yet again. Just in the past two weeks two throw pillows and a couch cushion have been sacrificed in order that he entertain himself while I am gone. And he will be 3 in September...which I recently learned is something like 25 in dog years (perhaps he just needs to get laid???). When all else fails I simply explain that he is a boy. This works particularly well when he has confiscated yet another pair of my underwear...

[Camille]

HAHAHAHA!!!! I am a teacher and YES I use those phrases....FREQUENTLY!!! Otherwise we'd get sued and fired for not showing some compassion. Some kids are bad as hell in school and I can only imagine what they're like at home. But for those parents who want the "real truth"....I'm glad I can vent to them about their kids because they know their offspring is horrible AND they actually want help. OI!!!! It will never end....the "beating around the bush." :/

[AmyPrin]

Pets or kids? You choose, based on the following two scenarios, both true. Last weekend: returned from son's graduation ceremony (8th grade)with 12 family members for a lovely meal at my home. Walked in to find a steaming pile of shit in the middle of my family room rug. Scenario two: 13 years ago, return from a Baptism of said son with 15 family members for a lovely meal in my home. Toddler daughter proceeds to firmly grip the edge of the coffee table around which family is gathered, and takes a leisurely crap in her pants. Complete with red face, grunting, and grimace. (She was barely two, so diapered.) Tough choice, no?

[Candice]

I have 2 black lab mixes and 1 is absolutely crazy! My boyfriend and I are at a standstill about who will clean up our living room which looks alot like yours...

[JellyBean]

Once I boarded my cat at the vet while I was out of town. This cat had begun to exhibit problems with aggression and never liked anyone else but me. When they brought my cat out, I noticed from afar a bright pink sticker on her cage. I was pleased that maybe she got a pretty sticker for being good. When they placed the cage at my feet, I then realized the pretty pink sticker said "VISCIOUS" in bold caps. Next time I brought my cat to the vet for a check-up, the vet pulled me aside for a "safety" discussion since I lived alone with my cat. Apparently, I needed a safety plan in case things went bad!

[JellyBean]

Once I boarded my cat at the vet while I was out of town. This cat had begun to exhibit problems with aggression and never liked anyone else but me. When they brought my cat out, I noticed from afar a bright pink sticker on her cage. I was pleased that maybe she got a pretty sticker for being good. When they placed the cage at my feet, I then realized the pretty pink sticker said "VISCIOUS" in bold caps. Next time I brought my cat to the vet for a check-up, the vet pulled me aside for a "safety" discussion since I lived alone with my cat. Apparently, I needed a safety plan in case things went bad!

[Lisa Ann]

Damn, the secret of teachers is now out in the open. This is all too true (funny as all get out and sad, but true). It is a challenge to come up with a cleverly disguised way of saying "Holy sh*t woman you should have had your tubes tied and this one drowned at birth, because the only thing he is learning is how to be a future inmate at our local correctional facility!!!"

[Lisa Ann]

Damn, the secret of teachers is now out in the open. This is all too true (funny as all get out and sad, but true). It is a challenge to come up with a cleverly disguised way of saying "Holy sh*t woman you should have had your tubes tied and this one drowned at birth, because the only thing he is learning is how to be a future inmate at our local correctional facility!!!"

[Butter Eater]

Fantastic pic. I would print that sucker out and stick it on my fridge. Or to the ceiling above my bed, as a birth control reminder. I'm stoked that The Boy and I are not the only couple who does the "cats not brats" high-five when we pass poorly behaved/ smelly/ loud/ generally ugly children.

[Carol]

"I have seen him develop quite an outgoing and funny personality this year. His peers love him and think he is so hilarious!"

Is this something like, "He won't shut up and stop distracting others. Other children laugh at his idiocy."

[Wendy]

I adore your writings and I wish you pearls and cupcakes for all your days.

[DGs World By Big D]

Heh heh heh . . .
At least they aren't grandfather clock murderers. http://dgsworldbybigd.blogspot.com/2007/09/anatomy-of-clock-murder.html

[Abigail Jennings]

The last time we picked up our two dogs from the kennel, they handed us five pamphlets for different dog behavior therapists. They even went so far as to tell us we should contact the Dog Whisperer. Although, they never have a problem when we pay our bill. Nice.

http://bigdreamswritecity.blogspot.com

[Kari]

Oh lord that has me laughing! I'm sure I wouldn't be laughing so hard in a week when I have to take my 'special needs' miniature dachshund on the airplane ride back home. Just to be on the safe side I got him some "calming" pills and diapers so he doesn't piss himself from being a nerve wreck!

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Ha ha! I am such a parent-failure! My dogs misbehave, AND I have 3 teens (so it goes without saying that they are ... um, difficult). Our leather couch in the family room looks a lot like your photo. I don't replace it becuz why bother? And maybe the dogs will outgrow this soon? But your pups have precious faces!! :)

[LJ]

Haha love the correlation between the teacher's aid comments and the pet report card. Yeah, I've given up on carpets now. Thankfully I can roll 'em up and go with wood. My yorkie is less interested in peeing on that...