Outsource THIS

PART ONE

Brrrring!  Brrrring!

"Good morning!"

(What?  I can be pleasant in the AM, particularly now since I've got a French press coffee maker, a burr grinder, and Peet's finest.)

-

"No, he's not.  May I take a message?"

-

"I'm sorry he won't be home until tonight.  He's at work."

-

"Specifically?  Specifically after work, my guess is after 6:00 PM.  May I ask who's calling?"

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"Well, I'm married to him so it absolutely is my business."

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"OK, don't tell me."

-

"Listen, any 'serious legal matter' he's involved is probably something I should know about."

(Here's the thing; I am unfailingly polite.  That is, until you begin to waste my time.  Then all bets are off.)

-

"Suit yourself, Matlock.  You can discuss your 'serious legal matter' with him when he gets home after 6:00."

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"Uh huh.  And my point is he won't be home until after 6:00 PM, so if you keep calling him before that, you will succeed only in pissing me off."

-

"Excuse me, but how is telling you that I will be angry because you're blatantly disregarding what I'm telling you a threat?"

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"Yeah, then apparently your call center dwells in the land where logic does not live."

-

"Nope, also not a threat."

-

"You know what?  My coffee's getting cold and I have a book to write.  Bye!"

PART TWO

I use Google to look up the caller's phone number.  My search reveals it's a credit card company's collections arm. 

What? 

Collections?  We're (finally) well past the collection stage.  And I just paid all the bills on Saturday.  What on earth could this be about?  This will require some research.  Unfortunately, I can't do it until later because I've got a training session.

PART THREE

Brrrring!  Brrrring!

"Good morning!"

-

"No, he's not.  May I take a message?"

-

"I'm sorry he won't be home until tonight.  He's at work."

-

"No, don't call back.  I'm authorized to speak for my husband and I can help you."

-

"Yes, I absolutely can authorize myself."

-

"According to God and the State of Nevada Gaming Commission."

-

"You know what?  I'm not having a transcontinental argument about marriage vows.  We're going to resolve this right you.  You called ten times yesterday while I was out running errands.  I finally did some research and I found out that you're calling about a credit card bill for THIRTEEN DOLLARS.  That was due on MAY 30.  Which is not even a week past its due date."

-

"Wrong, thirteen dollars is NOT a serious legal matter.  It's THIRTEEN DOLLARS.  Plus, I sent out bills on Saturday, so you'll receive full payment of the THIRTEEN DOLLARS, most likely today."

-

"No, 'Bob,' I do not want to pay the thirteen dollars over the phone for a number of reasons.  First, I don't give out secure banking information to international strangers, second, I'm not paying by phone if it's going to incur a seven dollar convenience fee, and finally, the bill has already been paid."

-

"'Bob,' you are working my last nerve."

-

"Well, I'm certainly sorry you feel that way.  But I'm willing to roll the dice and bet that the American legal system has more pressing matters than a four-day-overdue debt of thirteen dollars.  Gotta go, 'Bob.'"

-

"Oh, really?  Well, here's the thing.  I'm going to be home all day.  I'm trying to write and a ringing phone doesn't aid the creative process.  So, when you call back like you've promised, I'm going to answer the phone.  And I promise you I'm going to find the most pornographic thing I can on the internet and I'm going to read it to you.  Sure, it will make me uncomfortable, but I know it will make you even more so because you're not allowed to hang up.  And I'm going to skew your call statistics, too, which is likely even more offensive to you.  And then when my husband gets home, you're going to get a crash course in Army-grade yelling.  Talk to you soon!"

-

He never called back. 

And I am deeply disappointed.

Comments

[Kelly]

When I moved into my new apartment, the person who had the phone number before me had evidentally gone through a period of financial hardship. I quickly found that the only people who called my land line where creditors who were convinced that 1. I was lying that I didn't know the previous person who had the phone number 2. Not only did I know her I was covering for her and 3. It was likely that this person was hiding in my closet and my sheer persistance they were going to find her damn it. Suffice it to say, I now only have a cell phone.

[Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants]

Reason #89765 why we love you.

[Vanessa]

THAT is awesome - I will definitely have to remember this.

[Karina in T.O]

Not only are you making me laugh, you're also making me jealous! I can't come up with anything as original as the threat of reading graphic pornographic material to the telemarketing dick.

I've only managed to repeat s-l-o-w-l-y 'take me off this call list, NOW!!

[AmyZ]

After spending 15 minutes trying to get BMG to stop calling her (just hanging up made the calls more frequent), my college roommate insisted that they should stop calling because she was NOT going to join because she did NOT listen to music-EVER (not at all true). The guy says "Never, ever?" NEVER! "No one you know listens to music?" NOPE-NEVER,EVER! "You mean you never, never ever listen to music? Why not?"

She says: "I'm deaf"

He stammered something about being very sorry and hung up. They never called again. I laughed so hard I peed a little.

[Jaye]

Laughing my @$$ off -seriously! LOL!! THANK YOU!

[Mandee]

Six words--Fair Debt Collections and Practices Act. Tell them that they are not to contact you by phone again and they can't. If they do, tell them you are going to pursue all legal remedies available under the above-mentioned law and they'll shut up. Promise.

Although, I appreciate your technique a lot more.

[Melissa from Pittsburgh]

Collection agencies are horrid! HORRID! They use scare techniques which should be illegal! I owed the dentist money - which I refused to pay b/c ... well b/c he was UNSCRUPULOUS and evil and it's no wonder he can afford a SWANKY office in the most expensive part of town - he finds it not only acceptable but common practice to rip-off his patients and b/c of the BULLIES at the collection agencies ... we all PAY!

I wish there was something us little people could do to fight the bullies!

I think you should cancel the $13 check! I wish I had the nerve! But, I know ... you don't want them calling you back and getting your blood boiled again!

[Kelley]

I so wanted to read about you reading him the pornographic monologue!

Oh, and try this coffee in your burr grinder. It's wonderful and it's roasted in Chicago. http://www.intelligentsiacoffee.com/store/coffee/blends/blackcat

[princess]

I work for one of the fine utilities in PA and spend my days taking calls from disgruntled customers who want to know why the bill went up eleven cents from last month. Your response is my dream(when I hit the lottery, it will be TRUTH day in my corner of workers paradise!). Thanks for the laugh...and BTW as the wife of a former army captain discharged)...army grade yelling KICKS ASS!!!

[biggayfan]

I never thought of that idea. LUV it.

[Molly]

My favorite ever was my very polite mom: "Can you repeat that please? Can you repeat that please? Can you repeat that please? No, I can hear you just fine. Can you repeat that please?" Click! They actually hung up on her!!!

[D]

This is classic! I read it to my husband last night, and he said 'honey does it make you feel good to know your not the only one?' I usually tell them that my husband is a reformed criminal and drug dealer, that his tongue was cut out just before the last time that he went to prison and that he of course because of this can no longer speak. Strangely enough, they usually give me all the information I want immediately following. So much for the laws of confidentiality.

[Shelly]

You? Are a goddess! Were it not for the fact that you shouldn't be disturbed by asshats right now, I'd wish for him to call back just so you can lay into him a little more!

[Kat]

Urgh. I LOATHE debt collectors - be they the kind that work for the credit card company or the even more dispicable ones that work for the collection agencies - in this country or another! :P

I so love that you messed with them! Brilliant as always, my dear!:)

Have you ever watched the documentary, 'Maxed Out'? It's amazing and shows just how insane the whole credit industry is. I mean, when MBNA, the largest contributer to Bush's campgain can WRITE the bankruptcy revision law that gets passed... it makes you wonder. :P

At least you got a real person, if I am one minute late on a payment, no matter how small, I get about 10 automated payments a day - just not as satisfying cussing out a voice activated system...

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand your response. Please say 'Pay now' or 'Already sent in a payment'. hahahahaa

[Kodi]

that is kind of fantastic and i'm also dissapointed he didn't call back. I would have love to have heard what fletch had to say to him. =P

[Katie]

THIRTEEN DOLLARS? What a load of crap! I wish I could be that bold with people. Jen, you're awesome!

[Elisa]

wow, you are good. I worship you, of wise-with-words one :-)

[Christine]

I love you, lady! Not in a romantic, creepy way, but in a "you are an amazing human being, and I am glad you are on the planet" kind of way!

[catnip]

I really needed a laugh - thanks!

[rachel]

Hot damn on a corn dog stick. That is brilliant.
Little did that poor man know who he was calling :-)

[marisa]

God I wish I could rattle off a rant like you. I always think of the best things to say AFTER the fact, and that pisses me off!!

Your my hero!

[Bree]

I just don't answer my phone....ever! Not my land line anyway. Your way of handling it makes for a much funnier story though!

[angie]

hey! Maisy & Loki are on ihasahotdog.com today! :)

[Jessica]

You rock! Just bought "Such a Pretty Fat" today after reading your first two books as fast as humanly possible. Can't wait to dive in to this one.

[Stevie]

That couldn't have been handled any better. I raise my glass to you.

[Heidi]

My father has a name that is completely impossible to pronounce, so it's always pretty obvious when someone who he doesn't know is calling.
I once had a telemarketer call and ask for, "Mr. Heenn... Mr. Hiie... Oh, I can't pronounce it."
I replied, "You're not even going to try?"
"No."
"Well then you can't talk to him."
*click*

[Sarah]

This picture looks oddly familiar:

http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-dog-pictures-mess-cat-did-it.jpg

[Tracy]

I used to work for a guy who would take calls from brokers.. he'd say hi to them, then either put the phone down and walk away to let them go on and on in their schpiel to no one, or he'd put it on speaker and we'd all gather around and snort and giggle as quietly (NOT!) as we could.

Suckers.

[Casey]

Whaaa?

He didn't want to stay on for some erotic dialouge?!

[Michelle]

OK.. I meant to comment to the "did I miss something" comment but apparently I missed the deadline... I did send an email to the Ellen show recommending that they put you on the show. That was sometime after you came to Portland and I missed it (bummer). I haven't gotten a response from them (and I tried to be really charming and funny.. apparently not so much)so maybe her "people" were checking you out! I've also been talking about your books constantly since the new book.

Maybe we'll see you on Ellen soon!! That would be a great interview

[Kim]

If I had the balls, I would so read the last part to the fine people at National City Mortage. They called my husband yesterday, as a "courtesy," to inform him that they hadn't received our payment. That's not even considered late until the 16th. And yesterday was the 4th. What a pain in the ass.

[Andria]

That rocks!!! And, what did you guys buy for only 13 bucks? I don't think I've ever had a credit card bill that low...

[carrie]

You sound like a fellow call center vet. My motto with them is "you get what you give." If they are going to be rude then IT.IS.ON! :) Well done!

[Denise]

Usually my mom starts blaring Christina Aguilera or some other song my sister has on her iPod into the receiver for a good minute or two and then checks to see if they're still there, if they are it's on to the next song...I want to grow up like her and you some day : )

[Lisa Randall]

Oh my gosh, I laughed outloud. I have gone through this again and again when trying to resolved MY cellphone issues only to be told I can't due to the fact that my husband opened the account. This is going to get even better once the divorce is final!! Fun times again. Thanks for keeping us real! ps it was great meeting you in Atlanta- I'm the one with the excellent purse!

[The Modern Gal]

I knew someone who, whenever solicitors or collectors or whichever unsavory person would call, would tell the person on the other end that she had to connect to the mothership before she could answer any questions. She said it always was met with a swift hangup on the other end.

[Liz]

If Bob calls back tell him that he must cease and desist immediately (or something in legaleese) as you have many, many fans that need your next book ASAP or there IS going to be a serious legal matter when hundreds of thousands of women converge to commit some sort of international crime on his ass.

[Muffy Willowbrook]

Well done! Excellent job1

[Nicole]

I am currently battling with a debt collector from back in college. My husband answered the phone the other day and they told him all my personal information about the old debt trying to get him to agree to pay it ( It was from way before we were ever married). Now when they call me, I just scream at them that they are causing my husband and I to divorce and I hope they are happy breaking up a beautiful marriage. My husband sits, listens and laughs. I should probably pay them, but they made me so mad by telling him all of my past woes that I just cannot bring myself to do it!

[Carolyn J]

That was an awesome conversation!! Way to go! Have you read Kristen Gore's "Sammy's Hill"? Funny, funny book. Her character actually befriends a TM and asks her for advice! If you haven't, you MUST read it! (the character also practices getting ready for work with one arm in a sling, incase she ever loses her arm....kindda like you with blind make-up appliction!) Can't wait to see you in Denver!

[Laura]

haha..that's hilarious. I didnt know that they couldnt hang up! =)

[Laura]

Har!

My sister gives the phone to her two year old. I witnessed the glory of this on Saturday.

"Ella, you want to talk to the nice lady on the phone?"

"Yah! Ella talk! Hewwo? Nanny? I had wabeeoowee for wunch. *baby babble*"

Me - "Ella, tell her what the kitty did."

"Kitty puke. In wivingwoom, in mommy woom!!"

Children...they are our future

[Kate]

Sadly,
Victoria Seceret did that to me once! I paid the bill and it felt like they called me and everyone I knoew looking for the money.
After that I have paid cash with them and have never looked back.

[Katherine]

Way too funny!!
My office is chaos all the time but we do take time to harass solicitors on the phone.
Man:Could I please speak to someone in the I.T. department?
Me: What is I.T.?
Man: Information Technology.
Me: What does that mean?
Man: It would be the person who handles all your computers and software.
Me: Oh, well, I guess that would be me.
Man: Oh, ....... (long pause)
Man: Never mind, thank you.
And he hung up never to call again!!!
Katherine: 1
Solicitors: 0

[DGs World By Big D]

Um...
And I mean that in the NICEST way possible.

[DGs World By Big D]

I ha-a-a-ate those c-card service people. I called United Airlines Visa to close my card and I had to deal with some Indian bitch mafioso who decided that insulting me would ensure that I kept my card open. In reality, all it did was piss the hell out of me and cause her ears to sizzle and fall off. Oddly enough, I blogged about it and called the entry "Indian Mafia" as a joke. Guess what? There really is an Indian Mafia with a godfather and everything. I have gotten more hits on my blog from earnest folks trying to research the Indian Mafia and instead they end up reading my bitch session about a chick with a dot on her head that wouldn't let me close my credit card.

Life is weird that way, yes?

[mandy]

That is the greatest thing ever!

[mandy]

That is the greatest thing ever!

[Beth]

This post has saved me from throwing myself out of a window on the most utterly boring Thursday afternoon that my place of employment has to offer.

Thank God.