Outsource THIS

PART ONE

Brrrring!  Brrrring!

"Good morning!"

(What?  I can be pleasant in the AM, particularly now since I've got a French press coffee maker, a burr grinder, and Peet's finest.)

-

"No, he's not.  May I take a message?"

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"I'm sorry he won't be home until tonight.  He's at work."

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"Specifically?  Specifically after work, my guess is after 6:00 PM.  May I ask who's calling?"

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"Well, I'm married to him so it absolutely is my business."

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"OK, don't tell me."

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"Listen, any 'serious legal matter' he's involved is probably something I should know about."

(Here's the thing; I am unfailingly polite.  That is, until you begin to waste my time.  Then all bets are off.)

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"Suit yourself, Matlock.  You can discuss your 'serious legal matter' with him when he gets home after 6:00."

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"Uh huh.  And my point is he won't be home until after 6:00 PM, so if you keep calling him before that, you will succeed only in pissing me off."

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"Excuse me, but how is telling you that I will be angry because you're blatantly disregarding what I'm telling you a threat?"

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"Yeah, then apparently your call center dwells in the land where logic does not live."

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"Nope, also not a threat."

-

"You know what?  My coffee's getting cold and I have a book to write.  Bye!"

PART TWO

I use Google to look up the caller's phone number.  My search reveals it's a credit card company's collections arm. 

What? 

Collections?  We're (finally) well past the collection stage.  And I just paid all the bills on Saturday.  What on earth could this be about?  This will require some research.  Unfortunately, I can't do it until later because I've got a training session.

PART THREE

Brrrring!  Brrrring!

"Good morning!"

-

"No, he's not.  May I take a message?"

-

"I'm sorry he won't be home until tonight.  He's at work."

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"No, don't call back.  I'm authorized to speak for my husband and I can help you."

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"Yes, I absolutely can authorize myself."

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"According to God and the State of Nevada Gaming Commission."

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"You know what?  I'm not having a transcontinental argument about marriage vows.  We're going to resolve this right you.  You called ten times yesterday while I was out running errands.  I finally did some research and I found out that you're calling about a credit card bill for THIRTEEN DOLLARS.  That was due on MAY 30.  Which is not even a week past its due date."

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"Wrong, thirteen dollars is NOT a serious legal matter.  It's THIRTEEN DOLLARS.  Plus, I sent out bills on Saturday, so you'll receive full payment of the THIRTEEN DOLLARS, most likely today."

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"No, 'Bob,' I do not want to pay the thirteen dollars over the phone for a number of reasons.  First, I don't give out secure banking information to international strangers, second, I'm not paying by phone if it's going to incur a seven dollar convenience fee, and finally, the bill has already been paid."

-

"'Bob,' you are working my last nerve."

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"Well, I'm certainly sorry you feel that way.  But I'm willing to roll the dice and bet that the American legal system has more pressing matters than a four-day-overdue debt of thirteen dollars.  Gotta go, 'Bob.'"

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"Oh, really?  Well, here's the thing.  I'm going to be home all day.  I'm trying to write and a ringing phone doesn't aid the creative process.  So, when you call back like you've promised, I'm going to answer the phone.  And I promise you I'm going to find the most pornographic thing I can on the internet and I'm going to read it to you.  Sure, it will make me uncomfortable, but I know it will make you even more so because you're not allowed to hang up.  And I'm going to skew your call statistics, too, which is likely even more offensive to you.  And then when my husband gets home, you're going to get a crash course in Army-grade yelling.  Talk to you soon!"

-

He never called back. 

And I am deeply disappointed.

Comments

[Lisa Johnson]

I soooo miss the telephone solicitors. I either told them I was interested and then set the phone down on the counter and walked away as they did their schpeil hoping for that sale OR I'd tell them that yes I certainly needed a new roof, windows, whatever but since I was unemployed could we discuss the credit terms they were offering so I could pick the right plan for me?

[Tonya]

You are awesome! I'm just going to leave it at that.

[Jennifer]

I did not change my name when I married and I loved it when telemarketers would call and ask for Mrs. X. It always went something like this:

TM: Is Mr. X available?

Me: No. Can I help you?

TM: Are you Mrs. X?

Me: No. Can I help you?

TM: Can I speak to Mrs. X?

Me: Mrs. X does not live here.

TM: Oh. Who are you?

Me: Mr. X's wife. Can I help you?

TM: *silence* So you are Mrs. X?

Me: No.

This conversation usually repeated at least once before the TM would get frustrated and say they would call back later. I don't think they ever did. Of course, we ditched the home phone and now NO TMs call!

[Laura]

Wow! I've always wanted to give it to the collections people...way to go!

[southernfriedgirl]

Credit card collectors have a special place in hell and it's right next to insurance adjusters and Hitler.

[Kate]

Warning: Under their ridiculous, impossible-to-read rules, the card issuer can jack up your APR for one late payment. In most cases you'll get a $39 late fee on the $13 bill, and POSSIBLY a finance charge averaged over the last two billing cycles.

If you call the customer service department (not the collections guy) you might be able to talk them out of it on a one-time basis. This is because the card industry is under severe pressure right now from Congress and the Federal Reserve to stop some of their crazy fee-and-penalty rate tricks.

[Traci]

My favorite is when I pay my credit card online the day before it's due, and I inevitably get a call the next day about an overdue balance. On the day it's due. When it's already been paid. Stabby.

[Aimee]

this is too hilarious. I never thought about that whole they aren't allowed to hang up thing. that's awesome.

[Rachel]

Can you answer my phone from now on? Pretty please?

[sizzle]

"Talk to you soon!"

Ha ha ha. Way to give it to him. :)

[joycelyn]

my favorite credit card debt collector was after my dad died, I had already mailed them the death certificate to erase the debt. They kept calling saying that MR. W. was going to "seriously mess up his credit" if he didn't take care of this. I just kept reapeating "HE'S DEAD, he truly doesn't care about his credit where he is"
It was a horrible time for me, and dealing with credit card companies on top of it just pushed me over the edge. It took about 3 months for them to stop calling. Now 9 years later we still get mail for him, my favorite are the life insurance policy applications...what can you do?
JWW

[Shawna R. B. Atteberry]

I wish I could think of stuff like that when I'm on the phone with annoying people.

I just read Bright Lights, Big Ass, and I loved it. I have not laughed that hard reading a book since Brigit Jones' Diary. I look forward to reading the rest of your books and reading this blog.

[Lys]

I'm definitely far from polite. I am tempted to use some of this to tell them that they have to listen to me no matter what next time they piss me off...

My problem is they are calling for stuff my ex did YEARS ago and it's well past the statute. Crooked @*@*#*@*ers.

I hope that Fletch lays into them on the next call...

[Anna]

You = my hero. :) Point and case.

[Shannon]

I feel bad for the bill collectors...but not when they become complete twats. He was a twat.(You have to pronounce that word a la Gordon Ramsay with a long a: twaaat. It's funnier that way.)

I used to tell the third or fourth caller of the day that the person they were trying to reach died six months ago, so if someone was using their card, I'd file fraud charges. They wouldn't call back for another week.

[Erin]

Wow! This sounds almost exactly like a call I have with my mortgage company around the 8th of every month. I've been unfailingly mailing in my check on the first of the month WHEN I GET PAID for the past three years. Apparently, my mortgage company is under enough pressure from the dire housing market that they feel the need to call anyone whose payments are more than two days past due. So despite never missing a payment to them or even incurring a late fee, I get a series of calls from them starting on the 8th of the month to bug me for payment. I've asked that they put a note in my file not to call until the 15th or so (if a check is lost in the mail, I want to know). Last month? Our conversation went like this (I returned their call) -- Them: Do you realize this is an attempt to collect a debt? Me: Yes, the check is in the mail, as it has been on the first of EVERY MONTH FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS! Why am I recently receiving these calls? Them: *typing and loud conversations in the background* Oh ma'am, our records show your payment was received today. Me: Well, wouldn't it have been nice if your payment center linked up with your automatic caller so we could have avoided this unpleasantness? *click* Augh!

[Smug]

I haven't laughed all day until I read your posting! Thank you - I really needed a good laugh!! I am totally going to use your lines if they ever start calling me!

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I hate those assholes. Who does that for a job? Wouldn't you rather just put a gun to your head than make THOSE calls all day?

[Stephanie]

CLASSIC! Why can these funny things never happen to me?

[Mathilde]

Been reading the blog for a while but never commented before.
This ? This is F-ing great !
You are exactly the way I wish I was.
And it doesn't even make me hate you ! :)

[Clemsongirlandthecoach]

Seriously? Can you forward that pornographic monologue to me? I am sure Visa will be calling me sometime soon and I could use it! Too damn funny.

[Kristin]

AWESOME!